It's Just a Thought

You are going through your day when something triggers a stream of disagreeable thoughts – anger, resentment, lack, criticism, fear –or the thoughts as easily could be pining for reconciliation, preparing for an upcoming event, or taming a  huge to-do-list. 

How do you handle it?  Do you go to a dark place? Would you like to see things differently? Would you like to identify, re-frame, resolve, and smile as you go on your productive way?

More than likely, the critical thought is something you had pushed down, maybe in fear of not knowing what to do, or dread of how long I twill take, or to abandon completely. Your creative mind brings it back to your right now conscious thinking so you can be accountable.  Thoughts becomes negative and stress producing when discounted.  

What to do?    

Stop Immediately. Pause. Breath. Talk yourself down.  Beating yourself up does absolutely no good plus it compounds your stress. Gently acknowledge the thought.  Talk to the thoughts.  “Thank you for reminding me of this pressing issue.”  “I can handle this.” “I’ll take the high road.”  “I’ll do what I can to preserve this relationship.”

Know that your Creative Mind listens in on your self-talk and gently asks, “How can I help you with that?”  In that moment of pause, allow your brain chemist to organically drop calming chemicals into your system. Relax as you take pen and paper to jot down positive loving ideas as to what, when and how.  You just gave your creativity a task to decipher.   

“The faintest ink is better than the most retentive memory.” Mary Kay Ash

Get back to the business at hand while trusting and allowing your creative mind and wisdom heart to problem solve for you. 

Next time you think you have been misunderstood, violated, have a huge to-do-list – or whatever it is you want to fix - check and see if the sky has turned cloudy or the sun has stopped shinning.  If not, you will probably make it through this.  Do not allow yourself to fall down the Alice in Wonderland Rabbit Hole.  Lewis Carroll wrote, “She (Alice) generally gave herself very good advice (though she seldom followed it.)”

Give and follow your wisdom heart.  When those shoved down thoughts jettison you into the RIGHT NOW. give yourself another thought. A calmer thought.  A saner thought.  A healthier thought.

DON’T COPE. OVERCOME.  Think about these things. 

·      Give yourself room to grow
·       Take yourself out of the middle
·       Witness you from a balcony position – not to look down on, but to see all sides with more clarity
·       Be aware of negative identity thoughts and reframe – “I’m learning.” “I used to think that way.”
·       Know that you are enough - you are enough, you have enough, you do enough. Be okay with that.  
·       Find a way to be kind and accept regardless of rather than because of – as is, warts and all
·       Find an honorable way to release your ideal caricature expectation 
·       Respect without dismissing, ignoring, or trying to change another’s quirks
·       Be willing to make reasonable concessions
·       Develop communication skills of speaking your truth as well as listening to understand
·       Become aware how you may be demoralizing another to make yourself look good
·       Know that being “right” gains nothing and deepens the separation

Truth or Dare with Social Distancing

In the long ago Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In TV series (1967-1973), actress Lily Tomlin portrayed Edith Ann, a five-year old with outlandish truths about life. Edith Ann sat in a huge rocking chair and recounted strange adventures from her childish point of view. Each segment ended with her looking directly into the camera and boldly proclaiming, “And that’s the truth!”

Life tickles your funny bones. The audience saw comedy in Edith Ann’s truth because it emphasized how we, too, may see things askew. You find humor in situations with which you identify. And sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves. To see our foibles. To recognize our shadow side.

Sometimes life breaks your hearts. The heart ache is not from seeing truth, but from refusing to be set free by the truth we see. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to. Allow the sting to take you to self-evaluation for loving adjustment or forgiveness.

Feelings don’t tell you the truth; they just emphasize how you feel. Beliefs are not necessarily truth, they are just what you tell yourself you believe. What you believe is your best guess in the moment at what is real. Your best guess at reality is conditioned by the society in which you live.

Society doesn’t tell you the truth; society goes with fads, trends or the in-thing. Your thoughts don’t tell you the truth; they just try to tell how you measure up to society’s dictates. Or not. Circumstances don’t tell you the truth. No matter how real they seem to be they are really your thoughts trying to prove to you that your beliefs and that your feelings and your viewpoints are truth.

What does tell you the truth? Life.

Life demonstrates truth. Truth is universal and applies to everyone equally. Life speaks truth whether we believe it or not, whether we can handle it or not. Rain or drought, hurricanes or tsunamis falls equally on the just and on the unjust.

Life reveals when actions are plume. It matters not if one is a skilled iron worker or a nuclear scientist or an adventurous roof-scaling child, the truthful law of gravity shows itself to always be accurate. Whether gravity works for us or against us depends on our respect for its truth.

Don’t Cope, Overcome. There is a big difference in thinking you are a fool and in thinking you did a foolish thing. When your thoughts bring increased frustration, anger, sadness or instability, then maybe it is time to challenge your truth. Does what you believe hold water? Is your attitude working for you or not?

When circumstances are less than ideal, look deep inside to see what lesson life is teaching you. Obey the rules of the road and the chances of a speeding ticket, wreck or traffic violation are greatly diminished. Listen to your internal moral compass. NOTE: it speaks quietly, softly and gently. It must be tuned into to be heard. It must be given space to grow. It must be proven to stand firm.

Need a Life Coach? Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or monadunkin@gmail.com

Steps to Healthy Confrontation

The need to confront can be a stressful situation. As with most things, the problem is not the problem; the problem is how you see the problem. 

When the need arises to approach someone about a touchy situation, I like to call it “care-fronting”.  The premise is this:  I care about you.  I care about me.  I care enough about our relationship that I am going to confront this issue. 

 

That attitude puts a whole new slant to confrontation.  It sets the stage for you being firm, yet kind.  It sets the stage for the other person to be more willing to listen to your position, and be able to respond with his viewpoint.  It sets the stage for resolve.

 

1.  Work through your anger.  When emotions go up, as in anger, thinking goes down.  Take a walk and give yourself some “think time” so you will be cooler and more objective.

 

2.  You initiate the contact.  Whether you are the offender or the offended, find the courage to graciously approach the other person and confidently broach the subject.  Make the opening remark non-threatening, such as, “I value our relationship and there is something I would like to talk with you about.” 

 

3.  Set a convenient time.  Not only do you ask permission to speak, you also ask for a convenient time and place.  “I need to speak with you about something I see as very important.  Is now a good time?”   

 

4.  Be pleasant and positive.  Start by expressing your appreciation of the person and his/her contribution to your life/workforce. 

 

5.  Broach the subject in a general way, and obtain permission to challenge the issue.  A suggested approach would be, “I am concerned about the lack of communication between this department and shipping.  I would like to see if we can work something out.” 

 

Often a person will become defensive due in part by an offensive approach.  If an abrasive crow bar is used to pry information, the person will respond by hammering his mind shut.   

 

6.  Use “I” statements.  Communicate the issue from your point of view.  Admit you have given thought to the problem and need clarification.  Give your perspective.   

 

7.  Allow the person to give her point of view, and choose not to be offended by anything she says.  Filter out the tone of voice, and hear only the words.  Listen without pre-conceived ideas or foregone judgments. Encourage honesty and openness.  Do not interrupt or give “Yes, but” counters. 

 

8.  Seek understanding and solution.  Sometimes agreeing to disagree is a solution; but don’t just disagree, continue to hold the person in high regard. 

 

Relationship Building Tip:  Give compliments in public; reprimands in private. 

  

Opening A Closed Mind (Yours or Theirs)

There are times when critical thinking is, well, critical.

• Before commenting, judge your perception of the situation and your attitude regarding the persons involved.

• Before responding, judge your perception of the situation and your attitude toward the persons involved.

Have an open mind by holding loosely to your convictions, just in case you are proven wrong! You will believe what you believe until you believe something else. What is more important, your opinion or the truth? What is more important, your point of view, or the relationship? What is more important, your prejudice or the relationship?

Learn to respond rather than react. Take the critiquing seriously but not personally. Do not take every comment or action as a personal affront. Do not be emotions driven. Know your strengths and limitations. Set healthy boundaries, limits or conditions.

Use fair judgment; of yourself and of the other person. Do not excuse or accuse. Be more interested in dialogue that in debate. Discuss rather than argue. Speak and listen. Dialogue invites understanding of another point of view, whereas debate is trying to convince another of your position.

Differentiate between what to acknowledge and what to let slide. Do not make an issue out of every comment and do not search for hidden agendas. It takes a wise and mature person to overlook some human flaws in a presumed difficult person. Be objective. Hear the comments only and filter out attitude, motive, or perceived hidden agendas.

Do not take things personally. Choose to lower your emotions. Have no hidden agendas. Be open, honest and forthright. Be firm and kind. Firmness shows respect for you; kindness shows respect for the other person. Develop an open mind and a tender heart.

Have no point to prove. Truth is truth is truth, and will stand regardless of counter attacks. A lie is a lie is a lie, and will remain a lie regardless of defenses. A person convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still. Adjust your vision. Binoculars magnify or diminish depending on which end is viewed through.

The problem is not the problem as much as the problem being the way you see the problem. We act on the way we think things are rather than the way they really may be. See the issue as a learning experience. Choose your attitude. Focus on the problem not the personality.

Difficult people are not obstacles to unhappiness, but opportunities for self-improvement. Disagree without being disagreeable. Acknowledge an impasse while continuing to hold the person in high regard. Defuse the issue. Empathize. Distinguish between “feeling” and “thinking”.

Don't Cope. Overcome. Determine the attitude you project in times of conflict. Your position is not relevant to the customer, co-worker or boss. Whether the other person’s mind is opened or not, when you keep a welcoming attitude, it is a pretty sure bet there will be other opportunities for dialog. 　　

Living the Lord's Prayer: Forgiving and Being Forgiven

You know the passage. “And forgive us our debts; for we also forgive everyone that is indebted to us.”

This is part two of And God Remembered Noah. Last month I reviewed a conference in which Linda Crawford was the main speaker (our own Anchor Publisher). It was an excellent combination of entertainment and friends and worship and singing and fun. And catharsis.

Linda’s asked us to call to mind a particular person where forgiveness was needed and to address this issue through completing a pre-printed fill-in-the-blank letter - not to send to the individual; but to lay at the foot of the cross.

Some things present a real conundrum. We think we have forgiven someone “indebted to us” yet continue to have hard feelings toward the offender. Or to hold ill will?

And what’s more, even though we want to believe that we know that God has forgiven us for whatever we did or did not do, we retain an ongoing guilty feeling of being unforgiven.

Fact is a fact regardless if we believe it or not. The fact is that God, in his nature of pure love, forgives us whether we ask him to or not. In his forgiving nature he woos us to himself for healing.

Feelings, on the other hand, can be factual but more often than not our feelings are fleeting and fickle and just plain false. Forgiving and being forgiven are deep-rooted issues.

There are matters I have acknowledged and chosen to forgive and have found complete freedom and peace. There are other areas where – even though the prayer and the choice were made - the layering of hurt goes all the way to the core. The wound still lingers. And I often do not even know it.

One of the phrases in Linda’s fill-in-the-blank letter hit a sore spot. "I only wanted to hear you say..."

That thought remained with me days later.

Since I think and pray best at a keyboard, I sat down at my computer and began to name those people who had hurt me. I realized that what I had wanted to hear – but didn’t - was what was keeping the puss pocket in my wounded spirit.

I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me.

I wanted to hear you say you understood.

I wanted you to acknowledge that you remembered what you did.

God is intimately involved in our individual story. As we prayerfully reenter into the haunting event, he comes alongside to do a job on you. What job; the job of transforming us through forming his mind within us (Phil. 2:5).

He heals our wounded childish psychic by silently whispering, “I AM proud of you.”

He restores our remorseful heart by fully and completely understanding our point of view and motive whether we were right or wrong, good or bad.

He mends disconnect by affirming, “I remember what happened to you and I love you regardless.”

Every cell in our body knows truth and longs for it. It is okay to have your needs met. If not met earlier, then now is the perfect time.

What are some things you have needed to hear?

I’m so glad you were born.

I am so happy you are a girl.

I am so happy you are a boy.

You are perfect just the way you are.

Don’t try so hard. You'll get it.

It’s okay to have a down day.

You’re doing a good job.

It hurts when you are overlooked, doesn’t it.

I cannot explain how God talks to us inside our head, but somehow we sense his presence and he presents possible solutions and there is clarity of thought and struggles calm down and peace reigns.

Maybe he speaks to us through his inaudible love language of forgiveness.

Habitual Emotions

One’s behavior seems automatic. It is hard to believe –consciously or unconsciously, by purpose or default – that you chose it. Repeated behavior becomes habit. Habit takes on a life of its own and seems innate; that you just can’t help it – that that is just the way you are. When confronted by a negative attitude or action one may rationalize, “Everybody’s that way.”

Being pleasant and thankful when things go your way is a habit you taught yourself. So is being disagreeable and unappreciative when things do not go your way. Being agreeable or disagreeable both are habits you taught yourself and they habitually surface upon command.

“Surface comes from the French meaning “above the face”. The behavior probably seems automatic and is thus hard to see as your having set it. What is “above the face” is also hidden in your unconscious and both are out of your known control. Repeated behavior becomes habit.

Stop and ponder: Have you ever responded negatively in a situation and blamed the circumstances for your behavior? “You made me mad.” “The traffic made me late.” “You did me wrong and I’ll show you!”

Someone or something making you do something is not like an allergy to cats. With an allergy your body’s immune system automatically responds whether the kitten is cute and cuddly or if it is a mangy flea-infested stray.

Get honest and think hard. Has a similar situation occurred and your response was different? “No big deal.” “No harm done.”

So if one day Sue/Sam “made you mad” and the next day – when you were more rested or were not so rushed or so stressed or had spent time meditating or whatever to put yourself in the better frame-of-habit-mindset – then obviously Sue/Sam was not the organic cause of your negative response. In either scenario, you drew on habit responses you taught yourself.

Forming new habits involves awareness. To determine what you do want to change starts with understanding what you do not want to change. Exert mental effort to become aware of your attitude and behaviors – those times you are pleased with yourself for speaking rationally or remained calm or for boldly asserting yourself. Out of this awareness determine effects and whether you wish to maintain them – or not.

Forming new habits involves doing one thing differently. Every time we modify our behavior we have a different experience. This new experience sends a new footpath to our brain. Treading this new path again and again causes our brain to become wired - habituated – to new attitudes, actions and outcomes.

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Avoid the stack-attack-syndrome of frustrated aggressive behavior by learning a sever-assessing-system of assertiveness – one step at a time – one path at a time – to a new hard-wired brain habit.

Overcome Taking Things Personally

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

At a potluck dinner a woman’s contribution was several gallons of unsweetened tea.  A man in the line sarcastically asked, “What, did they not sell sweet tea?” 

 

The woman took it personally and became offended. The comment was more about the man than it was about the woman.  It showcased his selfishness of wanting things catered to his likes and his apparent laziness of adding sweetener.  It was more about him until she intercepted it and made it about her.

 

Taking things personally is agreeing while disagreeing and becoming upset. It is a selfish response that assumes everything is about you.  When you make it all about you, then you feel the need to defend yourself. Or go prove the other person wrong by trying to impose your way of seeing things onto them.  This produces conflict.  Even if it seems directed at you - “What did you do to your hair?” - maybe it is not about you.  Maybe she is having a bad hair day and taking it out on you.  Take yourself out of the middle with a neutral, “Sorry” or “Yea, I know.” 

 

By choosing not to take the comment personally, you are in a position to honestly evaluate if it is truth or not.  If the comment is untrue, choose to overlook it and pleasantly change the subject. If it is true you still have choices.  On the positive, you see the offender as helping you grow; you acknowledge the wound and determine steps for self-improvement.  On the negative note, you embrace the wound and add to your victim status.  You view the offender as keeping you down.

 

A friend of mine has greatly improved his relationship with this family as well as his own well-being.  How? He chooses to see their criticism as a misdirected way of showing love.  After all, criticism is a disconnecting way of making a request. 

 

Why be offended by truth?  For example, suppose someone calls you fat.  If you are not fat, you can more easily see how the offensive remark is more about the other person than about you. She is hurling attacks in a misdirected way of trying to make you look bad and her look good. If you are fat, why be offended by the truth?  Did the statement really make you aware of something you did not already know? 

 

Taking things personally is suffering for nothing.  Evaluate: Did you take the comment personally because the statement hit a sore spot? Perhaps it highlighted a habit you are not disciplined enough yet to correct?  Perhaps it was because of a bur in the relationship. If your best friend had comment about your hair, how would you have responded? 

 

It really is all about you.  In the unsweetened tea example, the man could have picked up a packet of sweetener and said nothing about only one option of tea.  The woman could have nicely handed him a packet of sweetener and said nothing about the comment. Although we can choose not to take comments personally, a pleasant outcome to a negative situation is more about us than it is about them. 

Conflicts and Resolution

With so many different personality traits interacting, conflict may seem inevitable. Take heart, it does not have to be permanent. Conflicts can be resolved. Resolve comes from a Latin word meaning “to loosen”. Thus, conflict is solved when we loosen our grip on being right or having it ‘my way’. Make relationship more important than being right.


I define conflict as “having opposing views without grace.” It does not matter with whom the opposing views are (you with you, you with your heritage, you and God, you and another) conflict ceases to be conflict when seasoned with grace.

Conflict happens through unchallenged beliefs. To blindly accept hand-me-down lore as the only viable way closes one’s mind to the wondrous variety of humanity. It is okay to identify with one’s culture, just not to the exclusion of others. Each ethnicity has valid worth.

Everything has a trade off. In all relationships there is give and take for the good of the whole. I could have a fulfilled life without ever playing “Hi-Ho Cheerio” again. Because I love my grandchildren, I lay my preference aside for their benefit. While I may not be excited about the game, I am thoroughly involved in building relationship.

Choose your battles. When you do engage, stick with the issue at hand. Do not ambush with a “stack attack”. Bringing up past transgressions as evidence for present conflict does nothing to solve bring resolution. State your position but have no point to prove. Use “I” statements. Communicate from your view.

Choose your attitude. Never take the position “I am right and you are wrong.” Be open to the fact that you could be wrong. Even if right in facts, could be wrong in attitude. Let your words be seasoned with grace. There is a difference in an answer and a comeback. A comeback engenders strife whereas an answer gives or asks for information.

Take comments seriously, but not personally. Take yourself out of the middle; be objective. Focus on the problem, not the personality. When do you want to know that the boat won’t float? There may be genuine value in the information given. Leave the emotions behind. Listen to the words rather than presumed hidden agenda. If the encounter turns ugly, back off, take the high road by choosing to not be offended.

Participate in the wonderful dance of life. For the sake of relationship, agree to disagree while continuing to hold the person in high regard. Know when to let go. Choose to flow. As my jitterbugging arthritic friend proclaimed, “You can’t be uptight when you’re dancing.”

Leave a comment. mona@solutionprinciples.com

An Uncertain Future

We are living in perilous times. The news is filled with tornadoes, tsunamis, rampant fires and earthquakes, not to mention homeland violence and worldwide wars. Truth is, all of us are facing an uncertain future. With coverage of disasters we now know that we don’t know what tomorrow holds.

Good fear, bad fear. Sometimes fear is a good place to start. Healthy fear causes one to think about what to do next; to plan ahead. It also forces us to let go of false securities and come to terms with what really matters in life.

What you cannot control. The list of things one cannot control is long and includes: the weather, another person, the past, time, the economy and how my favored team plays. What things might you have tried to control that have proven futile?

What you can control. The only thing within your control is you and your response to things/people that you cannot control. Things over which you have control includes your words, your attitudes, your facial expressions, your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your dress, your esteem, your feelings, your schedule, what you spend, where you go and with whom you associate.

Did I say you could control your feelings? Yes, you can control your feelings, but it starts with controlling your thoughts and actions. It is easier to think and act yourself into feeling differently than it is to feel yourself into thinking and acting differently.

Go with gratitude. You also control your perception of life and situations. You will never forget what you have lost; be thankful for what you have left. Even if the remains of a tragedy are slim, you have your life. You have blessed memories of those lost. You have a change to start over anew and afresh. You have talents and abilities to employ. You have love to share and experience to give.

Have compassion for you and for others. George Washington Carver shared how to develop empathy: “How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong, because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”

Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Allow difficulties to be your tutor to learn life lessons. Have faith in God and trust things to work out. Faith and trust go hand in hand. Faith strives to bring to pass what has not happened yet. Trust rests in the end results. Have faith in yourself, but not too much as to cause it to be a liability.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Being Objective

Objective is a valuable tool. It can open doors as well as minds. To be objective is to be impartial. And this is where the rub comes in. We are so close to who we are and how we see things and how we feel about them that is can be difficult to be objective.

Listen to the dissenter. Be willing to hear what your opposition has to say. An affront may be a distortion of truth but it also may contain an element of reality. Without countering, consider his position. Allow her to express her opinion.

Sift and sort. Denial and rationalization impede objectivity. As much as you may want to reject the input, recognize when you have been called by your true name. Do you have an edge to your voice when giving instructions? Are you late more often than you want to acknowledge? Do you spend money unwisely? Could you rearrange your schedule for more family time? Question your own reasoning.

Choose to be impartial. Take a balcony view. Step back from your emotions and observe your behavior as well as how others react to you. See yourself outside of yourself.

Be specific rather than general. It is unreasonable to pronounce “always” or “never” even if the infraction is repetitive. Instead of “You never get back with me”, make it, “I have not yet gotten your report; when can I expect it?” Rather than “You can change if you want to?” ask, “Do you think there is something you could do to improve the situation?”

Challenge your beliefs. Take a serious look at your hand-me-down views. Are all politicians corrupt? Are all rich people dishonest or all poor people lazy? Are all purple-people bad? Is your belief system the only valid one? Be careful to not lump all people into the same cesspool.

Becoming objective in receiving information as well as in giving it requires a commitment to improved relationships. Willingness to accept one’s biases – your own as well as theirs – is a good place to start.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Overcoming Criticism

Nobody likes to be criticized, yet there are times when critical input is, well, critical. When do you want to know that the boat won’t float? While it is still ashore? Or when it is in the middle of the ocean?

Even though the critique may be hurtful, one can respond in a manner that fosters relationship as well as self-improvement. When we graciously handle the initial sting, rational thinking returns.

Disconnect to reconnect. When you feel you are attacked, give pause. Take a deep breath to expel pent up emotions and reconnect with unbiased thinking. Reply with civility and tempered emotional detachment.

Help the critic to rethink his position with a suggestion such as, “Should we scrap the project completely or are there parts that are salvageable?”

Respond rather than react. Reacting is like pushing the “send” button too quickly. It is gone and you can’t take it back. Responding is giving rational thought before defending or denying. Responding is the willingness to be open and vulnerable.

Reframe the situation. In old black and white negatives, black is shown as white and white is shown as black. Rather than automatically dismissing a critique, give it the benefit of the doubt.

Be objective by asking yourself evaluating questions such as:

“What may I have overlooked?”

“What is coloring my view-point?”

“What additional information could be needed?”

Choose to value the person. In any exchange, all we can give is information. His/her information may or may not be valid; his/her personhood always is. We get comfortable with our ideas and mode of expression. “If the shoe fits…” wearing it may be more palpable with a cushion. The decision to make relationship more important than being right can wonderfully lead to both.

Overcoming criticism is a two-sided coin: how to receive the information and how to respond to the informer. Through thought and practice both can be mastered in a win-win approach.

Please let me hear from you. Thank you for your friendship, your business and your continued support. Let’s reach our goals together.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

From Suffering to Meaning

All of us are searching for meaning. This search leads to the need for change. The change process encounters pain. It is easy to lie to ourselves. We think we know our intensions and that we also understand our reasoning for lack of follow through. And therein lies the self-sabotage that begs for self-honesty. Speaker/Writer John Maxwell observes that people change only “when they hurt enough they have to, they learn enough they are able to, or they experience enough they want to.”

Need for control: Problems can be a manifestation of deep-seated fear or worry that weighs us down. It is often related to anxiety or anger about losing control. Problems may begin during a particularly stressful situation and progress with on-going “out-of-control” phases of your life. Pay attention to your feelings and see notice patterns of blame, shame or victimization.

Live today today. Be present. Objectively observe self and applaud or correct. Observe the things you avoid and determine why. Avoidance narrows your life.

This too shall pass. When negative emotions arise, you have the power to decide what to do with them. You can nurse, curse and rehearse the offense or you can chose to move past the hurt. To stay infects; to move beyond promotes healing.

Values clarification. Sacrifice transcends and is no longer sacrifice when you see the meaning of sacrifice. It is always need versus need. Such as the need to be your own unique self against the need for peer-acceptance. Be aware of conflicting values and make conscious choices rather than settling.

Evaluate your mental state. An overly emotional reaction to an event leads to neuroses. When you feel the room is closing in on you, sit calmly and breathe deeply. Focus on a distance object and say aloud, “That is over there and I am over here.” Look at your hands and say aloud, “I am over here and that is over there.” Repeat. Feel the space opening up. Verify that a Mac truck is not barreling down on you.

Develop discipline. Make intentional decisions and let yourself know you have reached a conclusion. The bottom line is, you either do or you do not. No decision is a decision.

Tests prove that brain chemistry changes positively when one interacts with people he trusts. For genuine transformation we need feedback from those who love us and we need to be accountable to them. It is through community that we learn enough and experience enough to be able to change. And in the process we find meaning.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Overcoming Co-Dependency

Co-dependency came to the forefront in 1979 when counselors began to notice a recurring problem in families after alcoholics became sober. The alcoholic became dependent upon alcohol and, in his/her self-absorption, became progressively less involved in family matters. The family, in their need for things to be “normal”, became dependent upon fixing the alcoholic. The survival techniques reinforced the alcoholic behavior. All members developed unhealthy ways of relating to each other.

Co-dependency is not limited to alcoholic families and is seen in any compulsive/addictive behavior such as workaholic, gambling, sexual behaviors, religious fanatics, overeating, spending addicts, thrill seekers, entertainment junkies, and those with an obsession for control.

Need vs. need. We need each other in healthy interdependent relationships. Because of our need to love and belong, it becomes easy to fall into an unhealthy co-dependent mode.

Dysfunction is spawn in a non-nurturing environment. So much energy is spent being the addict or in surviving the negative atmosphere, that very little mental and emotional energy is available to nurture self, the children, or to meet the needs of other family members.

All are driven to search for wholeness. In doing so doing unhealthy attachments may be formed and one loses her identity in the other person. It is needing others for self-worth. Co-dependency is expecting external factors to fulfill internal needs.

Co-dependency is trying to make others happy at the expense of your own well-being. One may contribute to another’s happiness; he cannot be another’s happiness. Each are self-determining and resent well-meaning intervention. The key to your well-being is in your hands. You have a responsibility to honor your peace of mind. In the process, you become a greater positive influence.

Need for control. Co-dependency is attempting to overcome insecurity by controlling people, events, and things. A child’s first job is to trust. When trust is not formed, he/she seeks to protect, rescue, fix, or take care of others to gain personal security. The behaviors are noble, but the hidden motive is to elicit praise and approval to prove one’s self-worth and value.

People pleasers. A toddler’s job is to conform to the rules of civilized life while developing healthy initiative to be his own person. Failure to find one’s true self is linked to the mistaken beliefs that love, acceptance, worth, security and success is dependent upon doing the right thing. Or being perfect.

Co-dependency is passed from one generation to another. The one with the need to fix, rescue, or take care of will be drawn to one who needs to be fixed, rescued, or taken care of. And visa versa. The result is two empty souls drawn to each other our of compulsive/addictive need, not love or choice. An empty woman drawn to an empty man produces a child from whom they draw love from rather than give nurture to. The child is expected to heal the relationship, but becomes depleted and empty. The empty child believes something is wrong with him or he would be loved.

All will stay empty and co-dependent except for adherence to the AA tenant of “I came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.”

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Creative Conflict Resolution

There seems to be two constants in life: change and conflict. Conflict comes from the Latin words con (together) plus fliere (to strike). Conflict is to strike together or together to strike. Conflict is an ongoing state of hostility between two or more people or groups of people. To bring a satisfactory end to the conflict takes creativity, not necessarily something never tried before, but something you have not yet put into practice.

My definition of resolution is "to find an answer". “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer every man. Colossians 4:6
Conflict may seem inevitable but does not have to be permanent. Resolve comes from a Latin word meaning “to loosen”. Thus, conflict is solved when we loosen our grip and allow a decision to be made.

There is a big difference in an answer and a comeback. A comeback engenders the "big but" syndrome. Resolution – decision to find an answer. Answer vs. comeback. "Big but" syndrome.
Creative – construct, give birth to, originate

You can buy matches that are "strike anywhere" and others that will strike only on a certain surface. The reasons for conflict, in a word is differences. Differences attract. Differences compliment.

Differences help retain identity. Differences lead to disagreement. The greater the emotion in the disagreement over differences, the wider the difference gap becomes.
Emotion Tense Action
Resentment Past Revenge
Anger Present Justify
Fear Future Withdraw/Push Away

1. Determine your real objective. Is it domination or win/win. Ask yourself, "Am I willing to not win?"

2. Ascertain what may be clouding your vision? We cannot see clearly when controlled by preconceptions. Be willing to overlook some misbehaviors and differences.

3. Be willing to accept compromise for the good of the whole. What is more important,
being right or relationship? Do not be offensive. Do not be defensive.

4. Develop several options. Recognize there are multiple nuances. Consider other solutions.

5. Evaluate outcomes of winning, losing and compromising. What is a stake here? For you? For them? What have you really won? What have you really lost? How much? You can win a battle and still lose the war. You can win the issue and still lose a relationship. Is it really worth it? Will it matter next week? Next year?

6. Clarify communications. Have I effectively communicated my choices and reasoning? Have I painted understandable word pictures. Has my position been received? Have I listened to his/her choices and reasoning? Have I acknowledged his/her input? If you think communication is all talking, you haven’t been listening.

7. Explore commitment. What else do I need to do to work out this situation? How much do you appreciate the other side’s hard work to resolve this issue? How much do you value the relationship with the individual or appreciate the job? Is this issue totally incompatible?

There are two constants in life: change and conflict. I suggest the more adept we are at being flexible, the less we will engage in conflict.

Fighting Fair

In an episode from Lesson from Little House on the Prairie, Laura admitted to her mom, “I meant to be hurtful, but it didn’t stop my hurting.”

Her Ma gave sage advice: “Nothing is solved by shutting off the other person’s argument. Quarrels would never last long if there was only one person at fault. Don’t be afraid to hurt. Hurt is a part of life. Hurt is a way to measure happiness by. It is a lie to try to change yourself to make someone else happy. Somewhere deep down inside there is a trueness in all of us, telling us who we really are. Find it.”

Use feedback as information only. The person is giving his perception. Take it at face value and do not read a hidden agenda into it. Take yourself out of the middle and evaluate the information from a non-emotional stance. Take what is important to you and make changes that will result in personal growth.

Be approachable. Make the confronter feel that it is okay to share with you. Do not become defensive, argumentative, animated or push back. Disavowing another’s right to speak into your life may cause him to shut down verbally but he will act on his feelings anyway.

Respond rather than react. Reacting had a negative aspect, whereas responding is problem solving. Prevent a blowout so you can focus on the issue. Be calm, non-confrontational and rational. Address the issue not the personality.

Divide and conquer. Divide a legal page in half. Take a minute and write down all his/her offenses in the left-hand column. In the right-hand column, write down how you react to the offense. Tear the sheet down the middle and throw the left side away. Reflect on the right side – your reactions - and change your behavior. Change the only thing you can change – you – and stand in amazement at how the relationship improves.

No comparisons. Do not try to make yourself out to be better than others, or your mate to be worse. Justifying your actions by comparison to another is not helpful. Each person is responsible for his/her behavior. Accept your weaknesses without judging another. Accept your mate’s flaws without character assignation.

Avoid destructive criticism. Pointing out the weakness of others is a weakness. When it is necessary to address an issue, make the person feel safe, not threatened or abandoned. You have got to let her know her welfare is your top priority even when discussing concerns.

When, like Laura, you come to the conclusion that your anger was a deliberate attempt to hurt another, the wisdom of living the trueness of whom you are becomes a reality.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Please feel free to use this article in your newsletters and include these links www.monadunkin.blogpost.com and www.monadunkin.com. Drop me a note about using an article or anything you would like me to cover in an upcoming blog. Blessings. Mona

Resolving Conflict

In a word, the reason for conflict is differences. Differences attract. Differences compliment.
Differences help retain identity. Differences lead to disagreement. Conflict is to “strike together” from the Latin words con (together) plus fliere (to strike). Some matches are “strike anywhere” and others strike only on a certain surface. Use these thoughts to narrow your strike zone.

Determine your real objective. Is it domination or win/win. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to not win?” When winning does not mean that someone has to lose, life becomes a co-creative process of “you and me” rather than “you or me”; it is both/and rather than either/or.

Ascertain what may be clouding your vision? We cannot see clearly when controlled by preconceptions and emotions. The greater the emotion in the disagreement over differences, the wider the difference gap becomes. When focused intently on your needs, not only is the other’s needs dismissed but also his humanity is diminished.

There is a difference in an answer and a come back. It is not so much the words as the delivery. As the giver, adjust your attitude. Evaluate if you are responding or reacting? Chose your words carefully, watch your facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. As the receiver, adjust your attitude. Listen to the words only and filter out attitudes and perceived hidden agendas.

Be willing to accept compromise for the good of the whole. What is more important, being right or relationship? Do not be offensive or defensive. Recognize there are multiple nuances and develop options.

Evaluate outcomes of winning, losing and compromising. What is at stake? For you? For him? What have you really won? What have you really lost? You can win a battle and still lose the war. You can win the issue and still lose a relationship. Is it really worth it? Will it matter next week? Next year?

Clarify communications. Have I effectively communicated? Have I painted understandable word pictures? Has my position been received? Have I listened to his/her side with an open mind? Have I acknowledged his/her input? If you think communication is all talking, you haven’t been listening.

Explore commitment. What else do I need to do to work out this situation? How much do you appreciate his work to resolve the issue? How much do you value the individual? How deeply do you appreciate her job? Is this issue totally incompatible?

There are two constants in life: change and conflict. I suggest the more adept we are at changing the less we will engage in conflict.

Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach of Solution Principles, specializes in maximum people development. Contact Mona at mdunkin@flash.net Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com

The Right Way to Be Right

Can you do everything right and it still turn out wrong? I seriously doubt it. Here are some thoughts on the issue.

Check your perspective. You did everything right from whose perspective? Your perspective may be too shortsighted. The power behind self-evaluation is a healthy dose of self-doubt. Am I being critical? Do I have an attitude? Am I unwilling to see another point of view? How much grace am I giving? Does it need to be my way or my way?

Being right can be handled wrongly. Does your righteousness (right-ness) cross the line into a condescending self-righteous attitude? Your dogma may be rooted in fear that drinking, drugging and driving will result in death. Yet if the worse case scenario were a near-fatal crash, you want him to summons you to be there. Would the manner in which you have presented your displeasure alienate so that, although you are definitely on his mind, he refuses to call for you?

Check your amplified example. Does the old adage “What you do speaks so loud I cannot hear what you say,” apply? Do not expect another to be something you are not willing to be. Do you expect him to be neat when you leave your areas helter-skelter? Do you expect her to be honest when you tell untruths? Do you expect patience while you blow your cool? Do you expect him to perform quickly and cheerfully when your work ethic is slow and complaining? We can be quick to excuse our faults while accusing another. Excusing yourself sounds like, “I can’t help it, that is just the way I am, bless God!” Only, it doesn’t bless God. And it doesn’t bless you. And it doesn’t bless your family or co-workers. Accusing sounds like, “Why don’t you…”

Monitor voice tone and facial expression. In correction, watch your attitude. Focus on behavior not personality; it is the attitude or activity that needs correcting not his personhood. It is show and tell, not delegate and dump. Ask for change without demanding change. Change is effected by encouraging; everyone needs to hear an occasional “you are special”.

Check tyranny vs. accountability. State your position and hold them responsible. When the focus is on the person changing, judgment is relegated to them rather than to ourselves. When instructions are not being carried out, what is needed? More training? Improved relationship? When needed, impose compliance through removal of privileges. Do it as a means of correction, not punishment. Be strict on the behavior and gentle with the person.

Right is all you get to be. Even when you are right, right is all you get to be. You do not get to be superior. Wrong is all the offender gets to be. He does not get to be inferior.You cannot change the other person. Do not wallow in the frustration; feel the pain and move on.

Keep things in perspective. If your mate is the difficult person, remember that you chose him/her. I do not believe that love is blind. It is not that you do not see the negatives it is that love covers and initially they do not matter. That or we wrongly think we can fix them after the catch is made. Could the problem be that instead of fixing me I want to fix him and he will not co-operate. If the difficult person is your child, maybe your mom’s wish that you would have a kid just like you came true. Know that you are loveable and have many fine qualities despite character flaws. Look for good qualities in your mate, child, co-workers, and in-laws. Accent the positives while helping to develop the negatives into workable qualities.

Relationship is more important than being right. Quit talking to the offender and start talking with God. In life controlling issues, see it as a call to prayer and to develop compassion in you. In irritants, instead of seeing it as something to drive you crazy, see it as a humorous quirk to their personality.

Problem Solving Techniques

The bad news is, “Life is filled with problems.” The good news is, “We can learn effective problem solving techniques.” How we approach problems has a lot to do with the outcome. Here area few proven tips for success.

Define the problem. Failure to define the problems lends it to growing out of proportions. Be specific and do not stack complaints. What exactly is the issue? Is it mechanical or personnel? Who is involved? What is their level of involvement? Do they need to be involved? If yes, for how long and in what capacity? If not, why not? What is the desired outcome?

See the situation as solvable. Defeatist thinking has never worked, plus it is stress producing. Turn your focus from a problem to a challenge and experience the creativity to overcome. See it as an opportunity to stretch, learn and grow while developing patience and determination.

Brainstorm. Get the creative juices flowing and the fun flourishing. Consider many possibilities, whether rational or irrational. Think with pen and paper in hand and jot down a cluster of ideas without weighing and measuring them as to ultimate possibility. Do not worry about your idea being absurd; with modification it may be just the trick. Do not judge. Laugh. Enjoy the process whether alone or in group.

Determine what is needed. Is it expertise or tools? If it is more information, who do you consult or what training is needed? Is it an attitude adjustment? Do you need more people? Less people? Resources? Time constraints?

Get counsel. Someone not so close to the situation has fresh eyes, is less emotionally involved and can be more objective. Be willing to receive input, knowing that the final decision is yours.

Come to a conclusion and go with it. Do not analyze to the point of paralyses. No decision is a decision you just have not let yourself know it so you continue to agonize. Weigh pros and cons and make a decision. If the solution is long term, set short-term steps and take action.

Continually evaluate the effectiveness. After putting the plan into implementation, be open to adjustment if needed. “No” is not fatal and “Yes” is not final. This is not promoting wishy-washiness but flexibility and growth.

Procrastination rarely has positive results. The axiom, “action is the distraction”, is applicable in problem solving. Happy conclusions.

The Art of Persuasion

In Dr. Seuss’s famed childhood book, Green Eggs and Ham, Sam-I-Am persistently insisted that the Cat-in-the-Hat try just one mere morsel of an objectionably looking delicacy. Let’s look at Sam’s art of persuasion.

Speak from experience. It is hard to convince someone of that which you are not fully persuaded. Try it. Test it. Be comfortable in the performance, concept or principle before passing it on to others.

Make the presentation interesting. Give concerted thought to the words to use rather than rambling. Use examples, props, visual aids or other venues to illustrate your message. Present in different formats, keeping in mind the vast array of learning styles.

Do not give up easily. Keep on keeping on. A “No” is not necessarily final. Be willing to do more research and contact at a later date. Although there may come a point of needing to let go, through developing a relationship, the issue is always available to be revisited.

Be more concerned with client’s need than with your sale. Whether an item or an idea, when you have the other’s best interest at heart, your doggedness has more substance. There is a difference in motivation and manipulation. Manipulation is external and for personal gain, whereas motivation is internal and for the benefit of all involved.

Remain pleasant in the face of opposition. Always remember the other’s humanity and do not be offended by objections or misunderstandings. Guard your facial expressions and monitor your tone of voice. Show respect by acknowledging that everyone is right from their own perspective. Make relationship more important than being right.

Do not gloat over having persuaded another. We are each self determining and make our own decisions, whether persuaded in one direction or not. You did not make someone come to your conclusion. If you think you did, it was manipulation and not persuasion. A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. If your influence made a difference in the outcome, recognize it for what it is – encouragement and not determinism, effect and not cause.

Try it, you’ll like it. Give yourself room to grow by being open to new experiences.

CAUTION: Whether being the persuader or the persuadee, check with your conscious that what you are trying will not lead to addictive or destructive behavior.

Conflict Resolution

“War in the world is a large-scale reflection of war in the human heart.” Anne Graham Lotz

In 1868 General John Logan proclaimed May 30 as the official day to honor those who have died in service to our country. There are many stories regarding the beginning of Memorial Day observances with several people, dates and cities laying claim to originating this solemn remembrance. The exact details are not important. It is about honoring those who gave their all.
Conflict is opposing views without grace. Conflict is part of the human condition.

The human heart is a conflicted place containing love and hate, respect and disrespect, war and peace. Following are a few thoughts on how to nurture respect, thereby reducing conflict and promoting peace at home, in the workplace and the world.

Make relationship more important than being right. When relationship is built, the ability to give or to receive information is greatly enhanced. When relationship is lacking, even the slightest difference can become a major source of contention. Be willing to ignore as much bad behavior, rotten attitudes and wrong information as possible. To give up trying to control another is to give up being miserable.

Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. Ask yourself creative conflict resolution questions:
1. What pre-conceived ideas do I have about this situation? How relevant are they?
2. What is the problem? Define the problem; do not generalize.
3. Is the problem as much with me as with them?
4. Am I trying to force my ideals or priorities onto someone for my benefit?
5. What hidden agendas do I have? What is the secondary pay off?
6. How do I send conflicting messages?
7. What is the solution?
8. Is there a solution?

Maturity is being able to live with unresolved issues and remain respectful of the dissenter. Do not make it a win or lose situation. Have no point to prove and be a willing learner. It does not have to be all-or-nothing; some is better than none.

Do not become defensive. “A good defense is a strong offense” is a wonderful strategy in football but not in the game of life. In times of conflict, do not defend your position so staunchly that you are unwilling to allow a point through. The point might be vital.

Do not become offensive. Use productive strategies to make your point.

1. Rephrase. “Let me see if I understand what you are saying.” Watch tone of voice.
2. Listen. Let the person acknowledge “Yes” or “No” to your understanding. If “no”, let the person rephrase what they are saying or meaning.
3. Gain clarification. “What do you understand my position to be?”
4. Avoid exaggerations. Do not assign statements to “everyone”, “nobody”, “always”, or “never”. Be more specific as in “John states …”, or more general as in “Some people believe that…”
5. Ask for proof. If right, supplying proof is no gain or loss but confirmation. If she cannot supply proof, this throws doubt on the validity of the rest of the argument. If he cannot supply proof, be gracious and let him save face.
6. Clearly state points where you do agree as well as points where you do not agree.
7. Know when to let go, either in proving or disputing a point. A truth is not validated
   by debate or agreement: it just is.

Receive criticism graciously. Take comments seriously but not personally. Value the person as having an interest in your well-being. Use the criticism as constructive to bring growth and maturity by requesting specific information and suggestions for improvement. Actively listen to words and filter out supposed hidden agendas.

“Everyone who compliments me makes me feel good, and everyone who criticizes me makes me do better the next time. It’s a no-lose situation.” Marilyn Vos Savant

Give criticism effectively. Determine your aim in criticizing and never speak in anger. Watch your tone of voice and hidden agendas. Have the person’s best interest at heart. Be direct; state the problem and what you want done. Once is enough. Give space for evaluation and change. Be gracious with relapse.

Say more by saying less. Use magic words like “please”, “thank you” and “I appreciate it.” Avoid threats and let truth or consequences prevail. Do not gloat when consequences come into play.

DON’T COPE, OVERCOME: Get over it by rising above it. By acknowledging that conflicts are inevitable, you transcend it, and the difficulties are seen as character building possibilities. Resolution is opposing views tempered with grace.

TESTIMONIALS: What others say about Mona’s seminars

“It’s a great experience. A lot of important information is found in Mona’s presentations. It will better your work performance, your people’s skills, how to organize and how to maintain a great work place. In the end, get good results from your workers. It really teaches you a great deal.” Coyletha Williams

“The seminar let me know about myself and how to treat others.” Hector J. Leels

“This will help you to be more responsible and have more motivation in the future.” Sarina Samuels