Saying "No" Without Guilt

“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking that created them.”

Albert Einstein

Does the thought of saying “No” fill you with anxiety? That to turn down a request sets you up for guilty feelings? Do you think a “Yes” equates inclusion, importance, security, - love?

I remember distinctly learning this lesson many years ago. It has served me well ever since.

A friend in financial straits asked me to buy her stereo. Wanting to help, I obligated myself to the purchase. I failed to realize I was hurting me by obligating myself to financial stress.

I checked and double checked income verses outflow. I rationalized that although it would be difficult to pay, the melodious music would make it all worthwhile.

Reality dawned that the pain of having a huge chunk taken out of my next several paydays outweighed the pleasure of surround sound. In comparison, the stress of turning down a friend request was minimal

The decision was the hardest part.

Once the decision was made the weight lifted instantly. I could continue to live within my income. I had a new found appreciation for my radio. I could still listen to sweet music without the added expense of buying records. I felt so relieved. So non-guilty.

I said my “mea culpa” and recanted my agreement to purchase. We remained friends.

Through self-evaluation, my level of thinking had elevated to solving the problem. And a wonderful new pattern of living was set into motion. Namely:

· Life is about making choices: “Yes”; “No”; and owning up to misspeaks
· The freedom of saying “No” overrides and releases guilt
· Be judicious in making commitments; think it through first
· It is always need vs. need
· Do not be influenced by assumed obligation

A simple “No” or “No, thank you” is the most effective way to begin. It is complete, all-inclusive and leaves no room for argument.

Stress is living outside your boundaries. Rather than be suckered in with “I should” thinking, replace it with, “I could”. This small shift gives you time to evaluate before making a decision. Give yourself a little wiggle room with, “Let me check my calendar and get back with you”.

Feel good about saying “No” to things that tax your time, finances, emotional stability, commitments, family responsibilities or your over-all well being.

It's Better Late Than Never

The best laid plans of mice and men are not always followed through, resulting in guilt and shame. Here are a few personally tested and verified suggestions.

Distinguish between true guilt and false guilt. True guilt is when you have broken a promise or caused another hurt. This guilt indicates a working conscious; heed it and take corrective measures. False guilt is the nagging shame that you have not lived up to expectations - yours, societies, a certain someone or dogma. This guilt indicates hypersensitive emotions. Recognize the inappropriate guilt trip and dump it.

Think it Through. If it continues to bother you, even on rare occasions, it still matters. It needs to be settled so you can move on. Put emotions aside and use sane, reasonable and logical thinking to assess and evaluate.

Challenge Your Excuses. Why are you not following through or correcting inappropriate behavior? Is it because you are fearful? Lazy? Unorganized? Don’t know how? In denial? Disillusioned? Lack of self-discipline? Don’t care?

Seek Trusted Counsel. An incest victim was encouraged to privately share with her counselor the pain that kept her bound. In time she healed enough to break the code of silence on a family secret. Other family members acknowledged pain of either having been wounded or of having suspicions but failed to address them. Together they confronted the perpetrator and sought legal justice. Generational cover-ups were exposed and multitudes of wounds were healed.

Peacemakers Make Trouble. Peacemaking is not peace-at-all-cost by ignoring the situation and trying to pacify everyone. Peacemaking is stirring up the troubled waters to be sifted and settled. Healing came to a family, even the repentant abuser.

Incorporate AA’s Steps 8 and 9. “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all … except when to do so would injure them or others.” Relationships are always worth restoring. Whether you are the victim or the perpetrator, proceed with wisdom, caution and humility.

Give a Simple Explanation. There is a difference in an excuse and an explanation. An explanation accepts and clarifies an oversight whereas an excuse covers up irresponsibility. Do not go into a long tirade of reasons; in Dragnet fashion, state “Just the facts Ma’am”.

Be Sincere. In the Greek agoras, statues were mass produced one at a time. The artisan covered up his slip-of-the-chisel with a cleverly molded wad of wax. The buyer unawares bought the flawless statue, pleased with his purchase until the hot sun either melted the cover up or discolored it. Truth in advertising prevailed. True Greek artisans stamped their crates “Sincerieta”, meaning without wax. Be genuine and without false humility. Do not gloss over your mistakes, remorse, shame or embarrassment. Be an adult and make amends with grace.

Rest in the End Results. Whatever the outcome, be an adult and receive the person’s response with grace. Embrace a relationship restored and communicate to keep it healthy. For a brief time, grieve a restoration rejected and move on, continuing to hold them in high regard as a person of worth and value.

Live in a State of Self-Evaluation. Continually evaluate your attitudes and actions and be responsible for your responses. Is what I am doing helping or hurting? How is it helping? How is it hurting? What can I do to improve my communication skills? How can I develop a greater empathy? Do I push people away or draw them in? How am I being a jerk? How am I maturing and overcoming?

Some of the greatest lessons learned are those we missed the first time. Life is faithful to give us the tests over and over until either we pass or die. We’ll still die even when we learn from past failures, but perhaps death will be more peaceful with friends and loved ones nearby.

Past Due Remembrance

I once served on a board of our community where frequent mention was made of a founding member and his contributions to the organization. The gentleman had been deceased five years. Mingled with appreciation was regret over not having formally made tribute to his family. How does one go about making amends?

Face your fears. You may be hesitant to contact the family for fear of opening fresh wounds. The hurt never goes away and you remembering the loved one, even if tears are shed, will aid in the healing process.

Waylay the guilt. You may try to assuage your guilt with the excuse, “But they may not remember.” You do and you matter. Whether they ever thought about your lack of social etiquette or not, they will be blessed by your current act of love. It is never too late to remember and pass it on.

Some is better than none. Do not be concerned over the smallness of the attempt; little things mean a lot. A few belated words are better than continued silence. A small gesture of remembrance is better than grand plans unperformed. A simple belated mention of the loved one’s name can bless the family and alleviate your guilt.

Choose your words. Think about what you will say and practice it before knocking on the door. The manager and I visited the widow with a beautiful potted plant and a card signed by all board members. With no mention of the time lapse, we spoke of how the man’s influence continued to bless the individuals who knew him personally and the community at large.

Call ahead of time. Make an appointment rather than just dropping by. This sets the stage for your intentions and gives the loved one time to look forward to your visit.

A loved one’s name is music to the ears. In future encounters, do not hesitate to make mention of the loved one’s value to family and friends. Share stories of heroics and misadventures. Laugh and cry together.

Receive the thanks. Graciously receive expressions of gratitude and do not discount your efforts because you acted out of guilt.

Make a tribute in his/her honor. The board made a plaque to hang in the corporate office expressing thanks to the community leader and his family. Plant a tree in the person’s name. Make a donation to a charity in her memory. Send flowers to the hospital as a remembrance. Make an ordinary Sunday special with altar flowers in honor of a life departed. A friend of mine keeps a picture of her neighbor’s son on her piano as a silent memorial.

The past cannot be relieved but the present is always available. And expressions of caring is never out of place. Do it with regards, not regrets.

If I would paint a rainbow every time I think of you,
My world would soon become a lovely, golden hue.
But if I never tell you, then how are you to know,
How much your life has touched me, and helped me oft to grow.
So may this tiny gesture wing its flight your way
To cheer you up on sunless days when your skies are gray.
© Mona Dunkin, 1997