Fighting Fair

In an episode from Lesson from Little House on the Prairie, Laura admitted to her mom, “I meant to be hurtful, but it didn’t stop my hurting.”

Her Ma gave sage advice: “Nothing is solved by shutting off the other person’s argument. Quarrels would never last long if there was only one person at fault. Don’t be afraid to hurt. Hurt is a part of life. Hurt is a way to measure happiness by. It is a lie to try to change yourself to make someone else happy. Somewhere deep down inside there is a trueness in all of us, telling us who we really are. Find it.”

Use feedback as information only. The person is giving his perception. Take it at face value and do not read a hidden agenda into it. Take yourself out of the middle and evaluate the information from a non-emotional stance. Take what is important to you and make changes that will result in personal growth.

Be approachable. Make the confronter feel that it is okay to share with you. Do not become defensive, argumentative, animated or push back. Disavowing another’s right to speak into your life may cause him to shut down verbally but he will act on his feelings anyway.

Respond rather than react. Reacting had a negative aspect, whereas responding is problem solving. Prevent a blowout so you can focus on the issue. Be calm, non-confrontational and rational. Address the issue not the personality.

Divide and conquer. Divide a legal page in half. Take a minute and write down all his/her offenses in the left-hand column. In the right-hand column, write down how you react to the offense. Tear the sheet down the middle and throw the left side away. Reflect on the right side – your reactions - and change your behavior. Change the only thing you can change – you – and stand in amazement at how the relationship improves.

No comparisons. Do not try to make yourself out to be better than others, or your mate to be worse. Justifying your actions by comparison to another is not helpful. Each person is responsible for his/her behavior. Accept your weaknesses without judging another. Accept your mate’s flaws without character assignation.

Avoid destructive criticism. Pointing out the weakness of others is a weakness. When it is necessary to address an issue, make the person feel safe, not threatened or abandoned. You have got to let her know her welfare is your top priority even when discussing concerns.

When, like Laura, you come to the conclusion that your anger was a deliberate attempt to hurt another, the wisdom of living the trueness of whom you are becomes a reality.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Please feel free to use this article in your newsletters and include these links www.monadunkin.blogpost.com and www.monadunkin.com. Drop me a note about using an article or anything you would like me to cover in an upcoming blog. Blessings. Mona