Habitual Emotions

One’s behavior seems automatic. It is hard to believe –consciously or unconsciously, on purpose or default – that you chose it. Repeated behavior becomes habit. 

Habit takes on a life of its own and seems innate; that you just can’t help it – that it is just the way I am. When confronted by a negative attitude or action one may rationalize, “Everybody’s that way.” 

Being pleasant and thankful when things go your way is a habit you taught yourself.  So is being disagreeable and unappreciative when things do not go your way. Being agreeable or disagreeable both are habits you taught yourself and they habitually surface upon command. 

 “Surface comes from the French meaning “above the face”. The behavior probably seems automatic and is thus hard to see as your having set it. What is “above the face” is also hidden in your creative mind and out of your known control. Repeated behavior becomes habit.

Stop and ponder:  Have you ever responded negatively in a situation and blamed the circumstances for your behavior?  “You made me mad.” “The traffic made me late.” “You did me wrong and I’ll show you!”

Someone or something making you do something is not like an allergy to cats. With an allergy your body’s immune system automatically responds whether the kitten is cute and cuddly or if it is a mangy flea-infested stray.

Get honest and think hard.  Has a similar situation occurred, and your response was different? “No big deal.”  “No harm done.” 

If one day Sue/Sam “made you mad” and the next day – when you were more rested or were not so rushed or so stressed or had spent time meditating or whatever to put yourself in the better frame-of-habit-mindset – then obviously Sue/Sam was not the organic cause of your negative response. In either scenario, you drew on habit responses you taught yourself. 

Forming new habits involves awareness. To determine what you do want to change starts with understanding what you do not want to change. Exert mental effort to become aware of your attitude and behaviors – those times you are pleased with yourself for speaking rationally or remained calm or for boldly asserting yourself. Out of this awareness determine effects and whether you wish to maintain them – or not. 

Forming new habits involves doing one thing differently. Every time we modify our behavior, we have a different experience. This new experience sends a new footpath to our brain. Treading this new path again and again causes our brain to become wired, or habituated to new attitudes, actions and outcomes. 

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Avoid the stack-attack-syndrome of frustrated aggressive behavior by learning a sever-assessing-system of assertiveness – one step at a time – one path at a time – to a new hard-wired brain habit.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America’s most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought-provoking poems. monadunkin@gmail.com   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overcoming Shyness

We are born social creatures and the need for human contact never ceases. But it can sometimes be painful. Research shows that emotional and physical problems are frequently related to those with interpersonal disabilities. Here are thoughts for overcoming shyness.

Adjust your attitude. When entering a room with conflicting emotions of connect-with- me-but-do-not-draw-attention-to-me, we send an avoidance message. Instead of “here I am so you notice me”, let your mind-set be “There you are and I want to connect with you.”

Speak first. Be proactive with the greeting and introduction. Do not waste time in uncomfortable silence. Make it simple, such as “Hi, my name is Mona, how are you?”

Names are important. During the course of conversation make it more memorable by using the person’s name once or twice. Use it sparingly as too much seems fake.

It is more about listening and thinking than speaking. Rather than worry about how to keep the conversation going, intentionally listen to what is being shared and respond by asking appropriate questions or making relevant comments. Not as an interrogator, but as an interested friend. Keep them talking and be at ease with not having to come up with a topic. As odd as it may seem, listening translates as you being good conversationalist.

Interject naturally. As you become comfortable with focused listening, allow your mind to remember personal reflections that would add to the topic. Speak up and be a contributor.

Be others focused. Ironically, as you lose self-focus and become interested in people - their stories and needs - you become the center of attention.

Although many things impact shyness, including personality type, parenting skills, environment and lack of social opportunities, change is possible, it is easy to learn, and it is permanent. Go for it.

Blueprint for Success

We are on the downhill slide of 2016, so let's revamp our goals to make this our best year yet. To do so we must take action step. How? Set goals that motivate and inspire. Be specific. Generalized statements leads to self-deception. The person whose intention is to become more successful and does not lay concrete steps for accomplishment, sets himself up to be deceived. Saying it but not making plans for attainment causes one to falsely think “I am accomplishing my goal” as there is no guidelines by which to measure results.

1. Plan to Change and to Keep on Changing. In our instant society, we want things to happen immediately. Get real. Learning and living new attitudes, actions, and skills take time to develop. But it does not have to take forever. If you do not start, you will never change. You do it by doing it. You stop by stopping. It is that simple. And that complex.

2. Draw a Mental Picture of Who You Want To Become. See yourself as being thinner and healthier. Visualize yourself being assertive and developing healthy relationships. Picture yourself disciplined and successful. Feel how good it is to live within your income, and to become more open, honest and genuine. See yourself as drug free and high on life, not substances.

3. Determine where you are now. What are your values? What are your dreams? What are your strengths? Weaknesses? Do you have an accurate knowledge of your capabilities? What are your expectations of yourself? Of others? Can you receive feedback and open communication?

4. Determine your course of action. Determination without plans is fantasy. What do you need from outside yourself? Whose advice do you need to seek? Who has done this before you that can lend support? What change in thinking needs to be addressed? What needs may arise in the future? What are my short, mid, and long-term goals? How can I determine ways to assess staying on target? To whom will I be accountable? What are your plans for handling the down times?

5. Take an attitude check. A goal must include personality change. You do not attract what you want, but what you are. Change is the most imperative price for success and yet the main reason for failure. You must know that you can change. If you are not willing to change, you can’t expect things to get better. Only man shackles himself. Change comes not with words, but with attitude.

6. BEGIN. You start by starting; the greatest determination will never work without action.

7. Expect problems. Motion causes friction. Learn to adjust and refocus. Know the difference between a set back and a defeat. Two steps forward and one step back will still get you to your goal. If a thought or attitude tries to overtake you, you do not have to wait until “tomorrow” to correct it. Get up immediately as soon as you falter. Know that one slip is just that, a slip, not a total failure. Get up, brush yourself off and start over.

8. Focus on successes. Catch yourself doing something right and give yourself an “Atta girl” or an “Atta boy”. Stop for a moment and revel in the feeling of the success. See yourself doing the right things over and over until they become second nature.

Give yourself room to grow. Allow acceptance time and become comfortable with your changes and the resolves will become permanent.

As A Seed Grows

Growth is a natural by-product of a seed being planted in harmony with nurturing elements. Some seeds are released only through harsh circumstances.

Ego is a seed shell of one’s identity held in place until circumstances breaks the hard outer covering so the internal nugget can emerge and grow from form into substance. Ego is designed to keep you the same while giving the illusion of change. Ego set point returns us to identity.

You make positive changes in your life and have a measure of success. A setback happens. In frustration you zombie out in front of the TV. You don’t even realize that you have just reinforced your set-point of only earning so much. Or the weight battle treadmill; lose, gain, lose, regain. All returns to ego identity set points.

So you stop. You gather information. You listen to other ideas. You go in another direction, change jobs or get a new mate. Like a thermostat set to kick-in or off to keep the room at a certain temperature, so too the ego holds on to a ‘set points’ to keep us from changing.

That is not “just the way you are”. That is the way the neural pathways of your brain have been laid down as your internal set-point. They were laid down through habit of thoughts and actions. Habits of thought formed mostly pre-conscious and pre-verbal. Before we could talk and before we thought about what we were agreeing to. The more these neural pathways are traversed - the more we think and act in an unaware state - the more ingrained they become.

Even when the habit road is rutty and rough and difficult, your habit thought says "you can’t" and your habit action stays lazy.

Your soul’s set point is not permanent. The spirit of soul is ever ready to change. That is why you know deep down in your knower that you are more than what you are currently being. Failure to thrive is not your soul’s set point; it is your ego’s set point.

Unless a seed dies it cannot bring forth fruit. When a seed dies – if it had conscious awareness – it would reject dying, put the brakes on and become devastated because it was falling apart. But the shell has to be removed before the interior nugget can root and grow.

Can your ego identity change? Sure. Your ego identity changes as you nurture it to identify with a new stage of development. That becomes your new set-point. And then you grow into another identity set-point. No matter how broken the body, the soul is never broken. There is a part of you that is always whole and complete.

A corrupted damaged seed will grow in cultivated soil. Accept your defeats with grace and self-compassion and begin again. Be your own master gardener and nurture your own soul.

Happy Changing. Mona Dunkin, Success Coach mona@monadunkin.com

Get Rid of 'Stinkin Thinkin'

Getting rid of Stinkin Thinkin is a battle that is fought and won in the mind; then attitudes and actions obediently follow. Right thinking produces effective health and happiness.

• Take care of the anger in the mind and you do not have to worry about damage repair later.
• Take care of prejudicial thoughts in the mind and you do not have to worry about being tolerant of others.
• Take care of lust in the mind and you do not have to worry about torn lives resulting from an affair.
• Take care of honesty in the mind and you do not have to worry about being found out.

Here are five inane thoughts that can cause us to perpetuate anger and co-dependency.

1. I have to take what life hands me. I am incapable of making other choices.

Wrong! There is a multitude of options available to most problems and at least one other option to the most stringent. The greatest choice is your attitude. Put your thinking cap on. Get input (not advice) from others, then make your own decisions. But make decisions you can live with, not something you will have to “exist with” the remainder of your life.

2. If this is wrong, God will stop me.

Do not give God credit for human choices. believe it or not, God never says "Yes" or "No". We have simply been given a free which God will not coerce. If your credit is the least bit workable, the bank (or furniture loan company) will give you the money, even if it makes an extreme hardship on your budget. If you persist in a harmful relationship, a marriage license will be issued, even if the situation turns abusive.

3. To stop being angry will wipe the offender's slate clean.

Forgiveness does not dismiss the injustices done against you, forgiveness does release you to live and laugh again. To forgive is to release you from being prosecutor, judge, jury and hangman. It is to put the offense into the hands of the proper authorities, whether that be civic, civil, federal or divine.

4. I am so extremely unique that rules of life do not apply to me and my special situation.

This is a very self-righteous attitude. It is irrational beliefs that usually begins with an attitude of “What do you mean?” “What do you mean, don’t drink and drive, I can handle my liquor and a car.” Rules do apply and do effect us, even if occasionally we seem to get-by with breaking one.

5. I am responsible for the happiness of others.

Nope. No one can make you happy or content – it is always a choice. You cannot make another happy or content. Your actions and attitudes may lend to it, but does not cause it.

Learn to live and let live. Learn to have a balanced view of life and people which puts you in effective control.

Call Mona Dunkin to conduct people skills classes for you and your employees.

Learning to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a line - visible or invisible - that defines and establishes identity. Boundaries (picture a fence) enclose and exclude to protect. Some invisible boundaries are beliefs, creeds, rules and regulations by which we order our lives. These bonds surround and define whether it be political, religious, military, civic, familial, gang or cult. This is who we are, what we believe, what we stand for and what we do. Without boundaries, you cease to exist.

Boundaries determine who you are. To establish who you are and who you want to become, clarify who you are not and what you will not allow. Examples: I am not a dumping ground or a punching bag. I do not like foul language so I will not use it or permit it in my presence. I am a person of value and will not be diminished, dismissed or disregarded.   

Speak up. Although being pro-active is preferred, in the learning stages post-active is okay. It is better late than never. Do not be too concerned about what other think. Whether the issue is addressed pre-present-or post, the other person (with selfish motive and raw emotions) may see it as nagging. That is irrelevant. You have to be confident that you are broaching the issue for the good of all. Yes, it will bring peace to you but know that it will also benefit them as they learn to become better citizens of family and society.

Be firm yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself and that your boundaries are not to be violated; kindness shows respect to the one being corrected. We teach people how to treat us. That they can dump or disregard and we will take it, or that we will not be treated in that manner. Until you become comfortable in speaking up, it may initially come off as hostile. Do not be put off by their off putting. Do not be intimidated and do not back down. As you become proficient in speaking up, your demeanor will be strongly soft and relationships will improve.

Change you; influence others. The only person we can change is us. Our changing greatly influences others. Human nature being the sheep-mentality that it is, most people respond in kind rather than being the initial change agent. I encourage you to be that influencing, initial change agent. Life is faithful to give us the lessons over and over until we either learn and the situation is relieved, or we learn and can stay sane and unstressed in the midst of the surrounding immaturity. Regardless, the limits we have set still hold whether they are respected in peace or in protest.

Picture it. Take a tip from professional athletes and see yourself making the shot before being on the court. In your mind re-live a boundary eroding incident and see you responding differently. See you specifically addressing an issue. Formulate the words needed that will clarify your position. Feel yourself being confident and politely forceful.

Learning to set personal boundaries may be intimidating but it is not difficult. Know that you are worth protecting and stand up for yourself. Work it, cause you’re worth it!

Dynamics of Change

It has been said that change is the only thing that is permanent. Yet many rebel at change. The following dynamics may help give you a handle on the inevitable changes of life.

When change is seen as threatening, it causes distress. When change is embraced as positive and welcomed, it can be seen as stressful, yet produce a good stress that pumps you up and keeps you going. Positive changes which can be a combination of good and bad stress include weddings, new birth, graduation, job change, moving, buying new house, etc., etc. Change can represent the end of comfort and predictability, but it can also be seen as a challenge to embrace. Change should not be approached in a random fashion, but seen as an opportunity for personal growth. The following dynamics may help give you a handle on the inevitable changes of life.

Give yourself permission to change. Give yourself permission to become something you have not been before (i.e. spouse, parent, executive). We have a friend who was a stocker with Wal-Mart. He is a nice guy, but rather shy and retiring. Failing health necessitated a change. Wal-Mart moved him from stocker to greeter, and he was stressed in a negative way. I encouraged him to “give himself permission to be friendly.” Once he saw a positive slant and gave himself permission to become something that had not come naturally in the past, he blossomed in the new position.

Visualize change in small increments. See the new position as something into which you can grow. My father was a builder. As a child I sat at the table with him drawing plans, and at age nine, designed my “dream home”. It was fashioned after Tara of Gone with the Wind – large columnar porch, winding staircase, and more rooms than anyone would know what to do with. When I married we moved into a small apartment, it was difficult to see us as changing into the type of people who would live in a Tara mansion. When we moved to an 1800 square foot home, the possibility became a little clearer. When we nearly doubled the size of our house through expansion, the ability to change into a “plantation owner” has become even clearer. We are not there yet, but thorough embracing life changes and goal setting, it will become a reality.

Look at where you were, to more accurately measure where you are. Because I was good at my job, I was advanced to an executive position. I felt like a fish out of water.

• First, I gave myself permission to change.
• Second, I saw myself changing from staff to executive.
• Third, I looked at what kind of job I had done in the past that allowed the board to see possibilities in me that I did not see.

I knew a young lady who had been in a power position for two years and was still overwhelmed. I encouraged her to look at how much she had grown, how much she had learned, how much she had changed, how many good decisions she had made. When you recognize past change, future change becomes easier.

Change is scary because it takes more effort for transition.

Change is not the problem, but transition. - John Maxwell

We continually have to challenge our though patterns to see if they are serving us well, and when not, change them. When change is seen as threatening, it causes distress. Change can represent the end of comfort and predictability, but it can also be seen as a challenge to embrace.

Let Go and Let Go

It has been said that the only thing permanent is change.  Many seem to think that the world’s change is on a downward slope morally, politically and relationally.

The totality of the world is an aggregate whole comprised of what we each believe as well as the wide variety of what our fellow life-travelers believe. We can know each other in peace and harmony only as we respectfully choose to try to understand each other, whether that is culture, life experiences, education or religious texts.

Disagree without shunning, exclusion or manipulation. Be true to yourself while allowing the other to be true to him self. I don’t see it the way you do. You don’t see it the way I do. Let’s break bread together. Maybe both will be enlightened. “In the breaking of bread their eyes were opened”.  

Choose to see a spark of Divinity in everyone and to treat each accordingly. We have a responsibility to stand up for those who are oppressed. Not to brow beat their choices but to graciously give room to grow. Understand that we are vital to each other and take pains to be a part. Go beyond tolerance all the way to genuine compassion. Start by choosing not to view the other as the other.

Even though Pope Francis views today’s morality as a threat to “the identity and survival of the family: father, mother and children” he also asserts - “Who am I to judge?” *

It may seem to you that I am riding the fence trying to be all things to all people. If I know my wisdom heart, it is for a loving Christ-like graceful inclusion that lumps all us sinners into one melting pot. Compassion for all sides requires the courage of humility. Except for the grace of God there go I.

Though we may disavow it, we mortals take comments of our adversary more seriously than those of our admirers.  We may rebel against their comments by trying to prove them wrong, only to find them right. Look for the good in others without compromising your own beliefs. 

De la Serna, Pope Francis’s Argentine friend said this about him: “He won’t change doctrine. 

What he will do is return the church to its true doctrine – the one it has forgotten, the one that

 puts man back in the center. For too long the church put sin in the center. By putting the 

suffering of man, and his relationship with God, back in the center, these harsh attitudes 

toward homosexuality, divorce, and other things will start to change.” *

We are all sinners. Those of us saved by grace are still sinners. Our confession of sin – from the minor to the major – brings immediate forgiveness and cleansing. God’s ear is not deaf and his arm is not short. He hears and answers immediately; we are forgiven and set free. We can breathe and laugh and dance and enjoy life.

So why do we stay entangled in the same ole, same ole? Could it be that we don’t believe that God’s loves us? Could it be that we don’t trust him?  Could it be that we dictate how the issue is to be solved? Could it be that we don’t follow Jesus’ hash tag to healing? #goandsinnomore?

The answers are within. Find them. Settle them.

A man was desperate to incorporate the phrase, “Let go and let God” into his life. Using colorful paper, he painstakingly cut out each letter and pasted them in a prominent place. His daily goal was to view and repeated it several times. Days passed and doubt still loomed large. He did not know how to ‘let go’ let alone how to ‘let God’.  

One morning he was inspired anew as he read the sign: “Let go and let Go ”.

The adhesive had lost its grip and the letter ‘d’ fell to the floor. Pursue truth and be surprised by the mystery

*Will the Pope Change the Vatican? Or Will the Vatican Change the Pope? By Robert Draper, National Geographic, August, 2015 

Practice Makes Permanent

Autopilot programs an airplane to steer according to a preset pattern. In much the same way our early training encoded us to certain ways of thinking and behaving.

If those patterns do not currently serve us, thinking about the process of acquisition or even understanding the mechanics does not turn the autopilot off. Thinking and understanding may help you see the possibilities for change and the freedom it would bring; but they only prolong the inevitable, which is action.

So what action is necessary?

Actually, the action is to practice.

It is to practice something counter-intuitive to today’s busy lifestyle. It’s a spiritual practice. It’s the spiritual practice of breathing.

One may protest. "Practice breathing!" "Surely you jest." "I breathe automatically."

Right. We unconsciously breathe like we are on – say - automatic pilot?

Consider: When you are anxious, do you hold your breath without realizing it? You are not even aware of it? Or so excitable that you hyperventilate?

How is your breathing during angry or fear or rushing? Is your oxygen intake shallow? Or do you fully engage the lungs and diaphragm?

The adage “practice makes perfect” is true only when we practice with pure intention. When we continue without meaning, purpose or aim - as in autopilot - we stay in the same ole rut.

Understanding does have its place – which is illumination – never for blame.

We are born into families whose beliefs, mannerisms and values were imposed on us. This is called conditioning. Right-on or off-target, good or not so good, nurturing or neglectful, their conditional climate set the atmosphere in which we were reared.

We learned family function/dysfunction dynamics. We learned what seems to work and what seems not to work – and in the process, we creatively formed our own function/dysfunction to join with or protest against. This is called adaptation.

We learned it so early and so completely that neurological pathways were ingrained in our brain to the point that we behave as though “that is just the way I am” and “I can’t help it.”

By default we pass on the same human condition. The contradictory condition of either following established patterns or rebelling against them or both/and.

Although your ancestors – immediate and far-flung (back to the fifth generation) – contributed to you being you, do you really have the right to blame them for your lack of happiness or success?

Although you have made your share of errors do you want your offspring blaming you for their lack of happiness or success?

Are we not each self-determining? Are we not a product of our free-will choices? Do we not have the ability to love anyway and still rise above?

“As a man thinks in his heart so is he” Jesus

Or so he becomes. To become who we were created to be is aided by focusing on our breath.

Huh? What?

We begin to realize that we do have some control over an otherwise natural function. Deliberate breathing is the practice of internal music and harmony.

It is the practice of hearing your soul’s still point wisdom. It’s the practice of honest meditation that transforms potential energy into actual energy.

It’s the spiritual practice that carries you emotionally back into the arms of God from whence we came. It is the practice of transformation into permanence. It is the proverbial caterpillar into becoming a butterfly.

Invite Mona to speak to your group. mona@monadunkin.com

Effective Planning

“You can never rise above your calendar.” Ed Eudis

Nothing worthwhile is accomplished without planning. Because an occasionally wish comes true, one may erroneously think a goal has been set and attained. Here are strategies to move you beyond hoping and wishing to a plan that brings results. .

Plan to plan and to keep on planning. Schedule in time for planning and evaluation. The more time one spends in planning means less time spent in execution. Without a plan to continue planning, new problems may go unnoticed until many hours of execution time has been spent.

• Prepare a mission statement. Determine the primary purpose and ways to get there.
• Strategic planning: vision casting, big picture, overall scope of project, enthusiasm
• Operational planning: who, what, when, where, cost, time line, means of evaluation
• Determine where you are now.
• Who and what do we have within the organization?
• Are the right people at the top to accomplish our goals?
• Do we have complete knowledge of the mission?
• Do we have complete knowledge of our capabilities? Of my team’s capabilities?
• Are we set up to receive feedback and open communication?
• Who and what do we need from outside the organization?
• Whose advice do we need to seek? Who has done this before us?
• What trends are developing? Where is the market going?
• What needs should be addressed now? What needs may arise in the future?
• Who are we serving now and in the future?
• What needs are we currently meeting or will need to meet in the future?
• What are our short, mid, and long-term steps (goals)?
• Who is responsible for what area (chain of command)?
• How do we make our objectives known to those above us, those below us, the public?
• What will be our expenses and source of funding/income?
• How will we determine ways to assess staying on target?

Prioritize. Priorities are those things that come first in importance and take precedence over the little two-minute jobs that seem so important. They are those things that bring the most results and personal satisfaction when completed or engaged in.

Don't Cope. Overcome. It takes both planning and scheduling to get results. Remember, planning is the “what” you need or want to do to make your life meaningful and effective. Scheduling is the “when” you will do the things you have planned. Scheduling leads to action and nothing is ever accomplished without action.

Stress and Motivation

As you can see from my by-line, I call myself a Motivational Speaker. The truth is I cannot motivate anyone to do anything.

And neither can you.

I am not even going to try. That is too stress producing. Maybe you can identify.
It’s not stress that kills us …It’s our reaction to it!

We are each self-determining and make our own choices based on the pleasure-pain syndrome. We seek as much pleasure and success as possible while avoiding pain and failure. Example: one may think vegging out in front of the TV as more pleasurable than the boredom of exercise. However, after a near-death experience, one sees death more painful than the pleasure of staying alive - even if that means exercise and healthy eating.

Our mind is capricious and is capable of being deceived, and of being enlightened and of being changed.

You cannot motivate people, but people are motivated! They become self-motivated whenever a solution is seen to meet an individual need.

The emerging science of Epigenetics suggests that in our genetic code there is a protective layer above the gene.

Similar to our skin’s epidermis (epi- the protective layer above the “dermis”) the outer layer is sensitive to the environment. The outer skin sunburns, sweats when hot, becomes clammy when nervous and gets goose-bumps when chilled.

Different environments. Same body systems. Different results.

So too this epi-gene responds to the environment. Stress wrecks havoc. Limiting beliefs sabotage success. Calm restores. Abundance mentality heals.

Different environments. Same body systems. Different results.

In the book, Anti-Cancer, Dr. Servan-Schreiber states that human beings, like all living organisms, make defective cells. “But our bodies are also equipped with a number of mechanisms that detect and keep such cells in check.....”

He goes on to write: “This is what I learned: If we all have a potential cancer lying dormant in us, each of us also has a body designed to fight the process of tumor development. It is up to each of us to use our body’s natural defenses. Other cultures do this much better than ours.”

Are we pre-programmed with our current personality and habits? In 1980 enter the Human Genome Project; a global, scientific effort to create a catalog of all the genes present in humans. The stem cell results shows that no one gene that does anything.

Epigenetic explores the fact that the way you see the world influences your genes and that every gene in the body can be modified by the way you respond to events. The body structure remains constant but the gene functions are not hard-wired. You can actually feel the physiology change when you change your mind.

The invisible thing working against us is actually our unaware mind. When we become aware, we can be motivated to rewrite the program. We may think we know our conscious mind rather well; often overlook the power of the unconscious. Unfortunately, when we do, we overlook a wellspring of human potential to change, and limit our power to change, heal, grow and overcome.

Please post your comments; I love hearing from you. Thanks.

Taking Responsibility for Change

A key concept is to be willing to take responsibility for change. Knowledge is not enough. All I or any one else can do is give information, what you do with it is entirely up to you. Knowledge without application is as crippling as not knowing.

Another key word is responsibility. I define responsibility as,” Respond-ability, Meaning I have the ability to, control I how I will respond,” How will I respond to the information received? How will I respond to the action taken? How will I respond to set backs and frustrations? How will I respond to success?

In a Cathy cartoon a few years back, she was lamenting to her mother about woes of life. To each problem, Mom had the definitive answer.

Cathy’s problem: The Need to lost weight. The need to be more productive. Financial concerns.

Mom’s solution Eat less. Exercise more. Get up early. Prioritize time. Organize. Spend less. Budget. Save more

Cathy left in huff.

Confused Mom stated, “If only I weren’t so brilliant.”

Why was Cathy so upset with Mom? Could it have been because Cathy already knew the answers but was not willing to be responsible for the actions needed. Thus she became frustrated with the one who directed her to the solutions, that- in the reality - pointed out the flaws she refused to see.

Every person has a conscience. Conscience is defined as “an inward knowing of right from wrong, with a compulsion to do right.” The answers are within. It takes time, not only to discover them, but also to receive the strength to be responsible.

The tension of change is to acknowledge,” I won’t know unless I try,” but then only trying the new concept once or twice and declaring it ineffective. The tension of change is discounting the need for continued effort with a trite, ” I tried that once and it didn’t work!” A key word is ”tried” Trying is lying. Trying is giving a two-cent effort, while sabotaging self, thus justifying that the solution was wrong. Quit trying and start doing, sometimes again and again until it takes.

Do pro athletes say,” I’ll try?” No, their language, attitude, and actions are “I will” Later, their language, attitude and actions become: I did it!”

Please share your thoughts.

Aha” Moments and an “Aha” Lifestyle

You’ve had them. You know, those times when the mental light bulb comes on and you suddenly understand a previously confusing concept. You can view one of mine by going to www.monadunkin.com.

I suggest the filming of that “Aha” moment came about through living an “Aha” lifestyle. A lifestyle where you choose to see everything as connected to something bigger and you cherish the placing of the small puzzle piece. A lifestyle where you recognize that what you sow really is what you reap and you take care to only plant good seed in good soil. A lifestyle where serendipity is viewed as normal and thus every chance encounter becomes a divine appointment.

Reality wins only every time. The way we see things becomes our perception. Only our perception may not be real. When life flow rather smoothly – and our body attests to that truth – then we are bordering on reality. When we treat others in an honorable manner – and our relationships bear the fruits – then we are getting closer to reality. When life slaps us around, makes us sick, divorces us and robs us of peace, maybe it’s time for a reality check.

Have no point to prove or to defend. If the point is acute, it will make an impact regardless of the pressure. Although truth or deceit may take time to show itself, in time either is undisputable. Truth stands on her own two feet. Conversely, lies fail.

Embrace change: revise, add to or discard. As life shows the possibility that our assessment is askew, summons the courage for honest reflection. What revisions need to be made? Do new facts or insights need to be added? What faulty concepts need to be jettisoned? If force has proven ineffective, try gentleness. It is the mark of greatness and understood by all.

Carry message not the person. One’s stance may be 100% right-on yet presentation results in a hardened heart. The message is “There are other facts to consider.” The reality is he has to be willing to hear. The message is, “Help is available.” The reality is she must buy the ticket and get on the bus.

We are each self-determining. An “Aha” lifestyle embraces personal choices and monitors results for freeing truth or limiting self-deception. An “Aha” lifestyle graciously allows others to discover truth, all the while speaking honesty in love and developing relationship.

Please share your "Ah" moments with us. Would love to have your input.

Conflicting Emotions

The need to know that our life matters is a need that cannot be denied. Each person is wonderful, special and important. One life is worth no more or no less than another.

Still, there remain two problems:

1) Thinking you are somebody (over self-confidence is a liability).

2) Thinking you are nobody (God does not make junk).


Each person is unique and special. Every human being has infinite worth and value by the simple fact of being created in God’s image. Beliefs are important because a person behaves the way s/he believes. Conflicting emotions produce conflicting behaviors. The belief that one does not matter (or matter too much) acts out by cheating, stealing, over-indulgences, addictions, perversions and inhumane acts.

Attitude plays a part. Perhaps nothing shapes our destiny more than the attitude we possess. It seems that low esteem, neediness and a negative attitude hang out together. A person with low esteem becomes his own worst enemy and then projects others to be against him. Get honest with self and ask, “Is the attitude I project helping me or hurting me?” “How is it helping?” “How is it hurting?” “What is my attitude doing to the important relationships in my life?”

Perception is important. One’s perception is his/her reality whether it is truth or not. My aim is to help people honestly explore their definition of what works. It is to help one self-evaluate to see if his behavior is in keeping with his core values. And if not, to be given tools to make changes. Each individual must come to that personal determination. When we encounter opposing ideas that engender anger within, I suggest our conscious trying to get us to wake up.

Destiny is shaped by choices made and all have consequences - good or bad. Behavior is purposeful and is our best attempt – at the moment – to get a need met. So the question is not “Will we get the need met?”, but “How will it be met?” and “What will be the outcome?”

Awareness is a key element in making positive change. We are a work in progress and will be under construction until the day we die. Continue to learn and to grow and to overcome. Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Allow difficulties to be your tutor to learn life lessons.

Get to know you. Spent time in serious personal reflection to discover the wonderful person you are. You will find a unique human being with purpose and significance. Through meditation, be enabled to be freed from false macho or crippling shyness and become comfortable in one’s own skin. Search your heart and mind so the substance of who you are can be revealed to you. Esteem, wisdom, love, creativity, peace and joy are ours for the mining.

Everyone has an inner chamber into which s/he can retreat at will. It is a sanctuary free from daily cares, free from judgment, free from agitation, change and turmoil. It is a place where your senses can rest, where you are regenerated and recreated. The longer one stays in the secret place, the better equipped to handle the public life of the difficult. Life becomes congruent.

Now it's your turn. Share with us the ways you handle conflicting emotions, or ask for specific help in a specific area.

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Breaking Bad Habits

A New Year is a great time to form new habits. Habits cause us to do things automatically without aforethought. Many habits contribute to our well-being and make us more proficient. The key is to be aware of habits that have become destructive and the mindless routine in which they are engaged. Such as: mindless eating, mindless time wasting, mindless complaining, mindless spending and mindless angering.

The bad news: Bad habits take on a life of their own and seem impossible to break.
The good news: Old habits can be broken.

Better news: All habits are formed by routine. Change in routine indirectly changes habits.
Actions are formed based on what one believes. When those actions are fostered by the environment they become a habitual way of living. The action compounded by years of repetition becomes a steel girder not easily unchained.

The formula: Belief + Environment x Repetition = Habit.

Stop by starting. Life abhors a vacuum so stop by starting a new behavior. The focus on quitting creates a void and your mind or body does not know what to do. Replace non-productive habits with exciting new endeavors. What do you enjoy doing? Find your joy and dive in with utter abandonment.

Life is filled with choices. These choices include the attitude you project, the words you use, the people with whom you engage, the way you spend your money, your facial expressions, your tone of voice, the pace of your step. How would your life change with a slight adjustment in any one of these areas? A spring in the step can energize the mind and spirit to act and think differently.

Make quality choices by asking quality questions. What do you want? What do you really want? What are you doing to get it? Is it working for you? How is it working? What one thing could you do differently?

Give yourself permission to change. It is okay to get well. It is okay to do what works for you. When your contemplation reveals an action that is not working for you, give yourself permission to stop. Give yourself permission to start in another direction. Engage in new energy producing activities.

Determine who you really are. You establish who you are by deciding who you are not. Decide and speak it out loud to yourself and to others. Once you establish that you are not a lazy person, taking action becomes easier. To ascertain that you are not a grump, frees you to be more pleasant. When you conclude you are not a smokestack, you long to breathe fresh air and to smell clean. Once you uncover that you are not fat (regardless of the evidence against you), you are freer to choose foods that will support that fact. And mentioning it to others, they will help hold you accountable.

Change does not have to take for ever. The highway to our community was improved by straighten it and widened it. D.O.T. frequent posted notices of “change of traffic pattern” as the vehicles were directed onto the newly finished construction, then back to the old part, and back and forth. The changes quickly became normal and it was difficult to remember where the original road had been. Change and feel good about it.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Dreaming of a White Christmas

The Christmas Story is filled with angels, dreams and interpretations. That phenonemon was not just for long-ago and is still prevelent for us today.

The dream center. Our conscious awake mind takes in information and responds. Sleep allows the brain to rearranges recent memories, a process that can lead to insight and new knowledge. Researchers believe that sleep is not only good for our physical health but also for our mental well-being.

Stages of sleep. In the process of falling asleep breathing and pulse slows and muscles relax. The brain waves are regular and the body can be easily awakened. In deep sleep the brain waves slow down with occasional spikes depending on surrounding noise or interference. In the deepest sleep, known as REM or rapid-eye-movement, the brain stem releases chemicals and fires electrical signals. The muscles are so relaxed the body is virtually paralyzed.

During REM is when dreams occurr. Scientific research reveals that everyone dreams every night, whether remembered or not. During REM sleep chemicals go all parts of the brain gathering a mix of visual images and emotional feelings and coalescing them into a dream that has elements of both the real and the bizarre.

Train yourself. You can remember and benefit from your dreams but it may take time to train yourself. Put you to bed, quiet your breathing and deliberately turn off your mind’s rehearsal of the day’s events or tomorrow’s worries. Tell yourself that you will remember your dream upon awakening. Learn to wake naturally, without an alarm.

Write it down. Up on awakening, continue to lie still and concentrate on remembering your dream. Keep a pad and pencil by your bedside and immediately jot down the dream exactly as you remember it. Do not embellish and do not edit.

Think on it. At off moments during the day, reflect on your dream for insights. Was it meaningful or simply entertainment? Embrace success and look forward to more.

An example. I had a recurring dream of various meetings and demands made on me. Mixed up with all this was a nagging that I had lost a library book and a huge fine was awaiting. Upon awaking I was puzzled. The thing that stood out the most was the library book. It made no sense since I prefer to own the books I read.

My interpretation. I began to reflect upon the last time I had visited a library. Then I remembered having called several bookstores and the library trying to find a certain book for a client. The library had it and put it aside, in my name, to be picked up. I gave the information to my client. He never went. Consciously I dismissed it. Unconsciously my name was on the line. Once the problem came to light a solution was formulated.

Science gives validity to Mom’s advice to “sleep on it”. The function of the unconscious mind is to protect you. When you have a decision to make or a problem to solve, your mind works over-time - day and night - to honor you. Sleep allows the brain to rearranges recent memories, a process that can lead to insight and new knowledge.

Sweet dreams.

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Making Changes

Change is inevitible. It happens all the time in big and small ways. Sometimes change is stressful; sometimes it is energizing. Here are thoughts on being empower to make positive life-altering changes.

Replace “should’s” with choices. Instead of saying “I should do so and so” change it to either “I want…” or “I could ….” Better yet, get in the habit of knowing your actions are choices so state your intentions assertively. “I choose to do so and so.” “I choose not to do so and so.” That is impowering. You are in the driver’s seat following your own road map and intentions, even when giving in to the suggestions of another.

Identify fears. Our emotions keep tabs of past failures. What have you tried before that has not turned out as successful as you planned? That was then and this is now. You have more skills now and more information now and more patience now. You have resources at your disposal now you either did not have then or did not choose to access. Face the fear head on and show it you are choosing to overcome. Allow your emotions to have success feelings to grab onto. It’s contagious.

It’s so easy… yea, yea, yea. Seeing a task as a big deal is only a big deal when you make it a big deal. Tell yourself aloud, “I can do this.” “I am up to the challenge.” “It’s easy.” So it is your choice. You can see it as difficult or impossible or, you can see it as a challenge, an opportunity to learn and improve skills. That is not to say it will be a piece of cake. But that it is doable and attitude is a big deal in the outcome.

Be your own best friend. How many times do you encourage family, friends or co-workers? How many times do you encourage you? Quit beating up on yourself. It does absolutely no good. Even if your performance was less than stellar, you are still a person of infinite worth and value with gifts and talents to offer that will bless self and others. Take your new best friend (you) by the hand and encourage her/him to discover new strengths, new skills, new attitudes and new outcomes. You can do it.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing. Today matters. Everything you do matters. Prepare for the big stage by practicing your lines. Lines like, “I am getting better and better and better.” “I don’t know how we will make it until payday, but I’ll find a way.” I (insert name) am so grateful for my wonderful family.” “I appreciate my job and co-workers.” Speaking a positive outcome into existence plays a major role in bringing it into reality. If the relationship does not improve today, then it is in readiness for tomorrow. God spoke the world into existence; in a major way, we do too. Keep rehearsing a pleasant world with your words and find yourself living it.

Change is an inside job. Choose to sit with your eyes closed and visualize the above-mentioned changes. Go inside your mind, heart and emotions and start the process. Choose to repeat this exercise two or three time a week. And be amazed.

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Reprogramming the Stressed Mind

We think in pictures whether aware of it or not. Whatever is manifested in the mind, the body mechanisms goes into effect to bring it into reality. For example, when you want to raise from a chair the brain takes that mind-picture and releases chemicals for the body to comply, thus muscles contract and energy is released to propel upward movement.

The mind body connection. The mind does not know the difference from what is perceived and what is reality. The body adjusts to perception. Suppose you are frightened of tarantulas and some prankster throws one on you. After you scream, run or possibly recover from a faint, you discover the spider is rubber. Your body responded according to what your mind perceived.

Belief drives behavior. Behavior consists of the thoughts one thinks, the actions taken, the emotions felt and the way the body responds. These four components work in tandem and cannot be separated one from the other. When the conscious mind is continually engaged in fighting for one’s rights or in running away from circumstances, the body remains in a constant state of stress.

Take inventory of your negative beliefs. Listen to your self talk. If it is filled with statements such as "I can't" or "I don't have", or “I’m not worthy of”, then you have limiting beliefs that render stress in the body. Why is the body stressed? Because deep down inside the unconscious mind knows the reality of “You can”, “Resources are available to you” and “You have so much worth and value and are deserving of good things.”

Awareness does not change habits. Information enlightens but does not necessarily heal. It takes calm reflection for insights to sink in and take root, thereby blooming into peace and healthier relationships. Choose to sit quietly for a few minutes each day. Take in a deep breath and hold for three seconds, focus on sending the oxygen to the tense muscles. Slowly release your breath and feel the tension leaving your body. Take in another deep life-giving breath and see it as the self-evident reality that you matter. Hold the breath for three seconds as an embrace of thanksgiving for your life. Slowly exhale through pursed lips and deliberately force out negative programming.

The mind cannot hold two opposing ideas at the same time. That is why arguing with you over pros and cons “drives you crazy”. You are not coming to a conclusion but are going around and around in dizzying circles. Take inventory of your many abilities and resources. Deliberately focus on what abundance you do have. It is interesting how things change when you change.

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How to Change Your Attitude

Dr. Laura’s theme song shouts, “Get a new attitude.” Can a negative thinker refocus and become more positive? From personal experience as well as the progress of my clients, I believe it is possible to change one’s outlook. Here are suggestions for the transformation from negative to positive.

Reason your way out of negativity. Reevaluate your assumptions. How many times have you looked for the worse and it did not happen? Things actually turned out okay. Were you dismayed or thankful? Keep track of your inaccurate downer predictions. Be thankful for being wrong. Be thankful for being right but still surviving.

Develop new pictures. We think in pictures and unconsciously replay the mind’s photo album. Force yourself to conjure up positive scenarios. Instead of projecting what could go wrong, focus on what is right. When things are less than perfect, use your pre-disposed downer attitude to see how bad it could have been. Be thankful things are as good as they are.

Acknowledge lack of control. Misery comes from the failure to accept what is. Concede to those things over which you have no control or little control. Things like another person, the weather, the stock market, down turn in the economy, war, crime, loss, tragedies…. If you cannot do anything about it anyway, why fret. Through the intentional development of a positive view you put yourself in a position to become a problem solver, an encourager or a helpful influence.

Do what comes unnaturally. Go against the grain and choose to do what does not come naturally. In routine situations where you would normally spout criticism, pause to deliberately keep your mouth shut and to intentionally - with conscious effort – look for something good. This implies work, focus and resolve. Be persistent and do not give up.
Become positive in seeing the positive.

Be aware. Notice how a positive attitude will serve you well. In frustrating situations ask yourself the following questions. Deep thinking about these questions will help you find solutions and peace and improved relationships all around - with you and others.

What do I want?
What do I really want?
What are you doing to get what you really want?
Is it working?
Is it really working?
What makes it work?
Why is it not working?
Where is the locus of control?

Give change time. All skills have a learning curve. Be persistent and do not give up.
A client remarked one day, “I’ve changed, but I don’t know when it happened.”

When you decide to consciously realign your thought habits, things take on a different perspective. Keep on keeping on until your new overcoming attitude comes naturally who you are.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Changing Times and Theories

Although there is “nothing new under the sun”, recent scientific discoveries confirm some long held theories. One such is the science of Epigenetics. This forty-plus year field of study is current headline news and magazine articles. The research is proving that our genes are not so hard-wired after all. The genes literally change depending upon how our bodies respond (react) to the events and environs around us.

According to Bruce Lipton, a leading voice of Epigenetics, every gene in our body can be modified by “our perceptions, thoughts and response to events.”

Actually we have been doing this all along, only we did not know it. How? Through adrenaline surge that propels heroic acts or the parasympathetic glands that slows us down to comatose - depending on what is needed. If one sees himself controlled by outside forces, he/she becomes a victim of circumstances. Gives in. Settles. Surrenders. Resigns to “That’s just the way I am. I can’t help it. I was born this way.”

Only we have more control over our lives than we may be willing to take responsibility for.

So why is change difficult? It goes back to the wonder-years when we were young and programmable: perceptions were immature, thoughts were creative and responses to events were childish. These early influences shaped our world-view both positive and negative. And they are hard to give up, even when we want to.

Compare it to losing weight. How does an obese body full of sugar-craving genes change into a lean health machine? It happens through changed perceptions about food and its function - from nurture to nutrition. It happens through revised thinking about health and the value of unclogged arteries. It happens through the body’s (genes) natural response to exerting more energy than consumption. Cells continually adjust. As the fat cells change, so does the body and so does the thinking and so does the emotions.

Perception and thinking come primarily from the brain. The brain wants to protect the body so it releases chemicals in response to the environment. As one changes how he responds to any given situation, the body’s chemical composition changes. The brain releases one chemical combination when a person becomes angry and another chemical combination when that sane person becomes calm.

Which chemicals do you want released in your body? Change your perception of the stressful event and the cells change.

Our fate is not totally in our genes. It has a lot to do with the day-to-day dynamics of how we respond to life. What we believe switches the genes mechanics “on” and “off”. As a man thinks in his heart so is he - or so he becomes. Physically as well as all the other “llys” - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally and financially. Give it some thought.
We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”