It's Just a Thought

You are going through your day when something triggers a stream of disagreeable thoughts – anger, resentment, lack, criticism, fear –or the thoughts as easily could be pining for reconciliation, preparing for an upcoming event, or taming a  huge to-do-list. 

How do you handle it?  Do you go to a dark place? Would you like to see things differently? Would you like to identify, re-frame, resolve, and smile as you go on your productive way?

More than likely, the critical thought is something you had pushed down, maybe in fear of not knowing what to do, or dread of how long I twill take, or to abandon completely. Your creative mind brings it back to your right now conscious thinking so you can be accountable.  Thoughts becomes negative and stress producing when discounted.  

What to do?    

Stop Immediately. Pause. Breath. Talk yourself down.  Beating yourself up does absolutely no good plus it compounds your stress. Gently acknowledge the thought.  Talk to the thoughts.  “Thank you for reminding me of this pressing issue.”  “I can handle this.” “I’ll take the high road.”  “I’ll do what I can to preserve this relationship.”

Know that your Creative Mind listens in on your self-talk and gently asks, “How can I help you with that?”  In that moment of pause, allow your brain chemist to organically drop calming chemicals into your system. Relax as you take pen and paper to jot down positive loving ideas as to what, when and how.  You just gave your creativity a task to decipher.   

“The faintest ink is better than the most retentive memory.” Mary Kay Ash

Get back to the business at hand while trusting and allowing your creative mind and wisdom heart to problem solve for you. 

Next time you think you have been misunderstood, violated, have a huge to-do-list – or whatever it is you want to fix - check and see if the sky has turned cloudy or the sun has stopped shinning.  If not, you will probably make it through this.  Do not allow yourself to fall down the Alice in Wonderland Rabbit Hole.  Lewis Carroll wrote, “She (Alice) generally gave herself very good advice (though she seldom followed it.)”

Give and follow your wisdom heart.  When those shoved down thoughts jettison you into the RIGHT NOW. give yourself another thought. A calmer thought.  A saner thought.  A healthier thought.

DON’T COPE. OVERCOME.  Think about these things. 

·      Give yourself room to grow
·       Take yourself out of the middle
·       Witness you from a balcony position – not to look down on, but to see all sides with more clarity
·       Be aware of negative identity thoughts and reframe – “I’m learning.” “I used to think that way.”
·       Know that you are enough - you are enough, you have enough, you do enough. Be okay with that.  
·       Find a way to be kind and accept regardless of rather than because of – as is, warts and all
·       Find an honorable way to release your ideal caricature expectation 
·       Respect without dismissing, ignoring, or trying to change another’s quirks
·       Be willing to make reasonable concessions
·       Develop communication skills of speaking your truth as well as listening to understand
·       Become aware how you may be demoralizing another to make yourself look good
·       Know that being “right” gains nothing and deepens the separation

The Power of Self-Evaluation

I am good at teaching, but not always so good at living what I teach -- and that is exactly why I teach. Teaching holds me accountable to what I say and do. I was late-in-life learning a lot of things – like Goal Setting and Planning – but self-evaluating was ingrained in me as a child.

During my West Virginia wonder years we gathered on Sundays at our little circuit-rider United Methodist Church.  Each Communion Sunday the pastor emphasized the sacredness of the sacrament and the value of self-evaluation.  You know, to make sure we were living right; that we weren't harboring any lies, didn’t need to apologize for,  or “lest something worse come upon you.” 

Thankfully, my Aunt Erma explained that self-evaluation is not dumping guilt on yourself, but is taking responsibility for our missteps. If we don’t own up to our part of the problem, then it leads us to stack attack misbehavior that hurts us and others.

The purpose of self-evaluation is to see our self as we really are, so we can either keep on a good path or take corrective steps. It’s all Total Behavior. What we think, what we do, how we feel about our thinking and doing, effects of physiology and our mental health and our sleep, our digestion, our energy level and our relationships and our success and…

In other words, everything within us touches everything about us and everything we do effects everything we do.  To stay whole and healthy, self-evaluation is a discipline I practice daily.

Self-evaluation is tied in with the Ten Axioms of Choice Theory Psychology.

·  #1 states that "The only person whose behavior we can control is our own".  I suppose the inference is that way too often we do not control our self and need to think about the outcome.

·  #2 says "All we can do is give or receive information."  Inference - don't place blame, don't criticize, be nice, use your inside voice, get honest with yourself. 

· #6 states "We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World" (i.e. pics in our head).  Inference: ongoing negative guilting thoughts suggest we're not too satisfied with our life so self-evaluate and make changes. 

A theory is something not yet proven.  When we consider the possibility of a smidgen of reality in Choice Theory, then the practice of the theory becomes real. And we prove to our self, for our self what is or is not effective.  Long term. 

The key word in Self-Evaluation is “Self”. Only it’s not really “self” because we are never alone. We have a great “cloud of witnesses”, whether in that DNA molecule syphoned from a long dead ancestor or the influencing thoughts gleaned from a stranger or the mystical concept of God.

So what are the benefits?

• Challenge you to excellence
• Lessens dependency on the approval of others
• Promotes healthy competition
• Encourages non-judgmental judgment (see Axiom #2) 
• Ask and answer tough questions
• Live in the present 

And all this accumulates into personal empowerment.  You have to experience it for yourself. Enjoy.  

“One breath began the journey of life;

Ambiguous with joys and strife.

What makes one, breaks another;

All of earth’s travels are for us to discover

The value of self, sister and brother.”

Choice Theory Basic Intensive Training, Waco, Texas, Mona Dunkin, CTRTC,LM

254-749-6594 monadunkin@gmail.com  https://wglasser.com/trainings/2019-03/

Personal Boundaries

 

Royal George, New River, WV 2016

Personal boundaries are the rules you set for what others may or may not do around you. Weak boundaries cost us our identity. Just as the havoc of a tornado invites looting by dishonest people, so too, weak boundaries attract needy and disrespectful people. Failure to set boundaries and failure to respect boundaries goes hand-in-hand.

Boundaries are complex and multifaceted.  A boundary is an imaginary line that defines, protects and establishes identity and scope (person, family, city, nation, culture, faith, time).  A plot of land without boundaries (fences, tree lines, highway, river) becomes an open plain for any and all.  

Without boundaries, its essence ceases to exist. Neither good nor bad of itself, a boundary provides essential limits.  Without personal boundaries, we lose who we are and become enmeshed in others; we cease to exist and in essence, anything goes. 

There are four essential areas in which to set personal boundaries:

1) Emotions - How will you communicate your needs or your feelings when offended?

2) Time - How much time and to what are you willing to commit? 

3) Values – What is your our highest ideal of you and how will you display it?

4) Possessions - What and how will you share?  Hint:  It is important to own before you can give. 

Give notice. Muster your courage and speak up. Inform of your boundaries and/or newly formed principles. Let people know you are learning new concepts and putting them into practice.

Enforce. When your boundary is disrespected, graciously make a clear request to stop.  Be firm, yet kind. Firmness shows respect for you and kindness shows respect for the perpetrator. Do not mistake kindness for weakness or passivity.

Disengage when necessary. It takes two to argue.  For the sake of wholeness, be willing to lay aside your opinions, your rights and your gloves. Do not be ruled by your emotions. Find the inner strength to detach from other peoples needs.  Not necessarily from the person, just from his/her neediness. 

Be assertive. Assertive is acting in your own best interest without harming another. Do not mistake assertive for dogma, anger or force.

Know who you are. When asked to prove his existence, the French philosopher René Descartes, responded, “I think. Therefore I am.”  Get in touch with the wonderful human being you are, think positive thoughts of overcoming and stand in amazement at your new existence. This is not to promote an over-inflated ego but a healthy self-love.

Change your environment. Indifference is contagious.  So too, success is contagious. It is not easy to change behavior.  It is easier to change your environment, which in turn will change your behavior. You decide what is normal by looking around you.  Keep an eye on your social environment, the one you are keeping and the one you are projecting.

The clean up after a natural disaster is time consuming and costly but well worth the effort. So to is the project of establishing personal boundaries; it is an investment in wholeness. 

Control Issues

“Give me a BIG ’C’, little ‘o’, little ‘n’, little ‘t’, little ‘r’, little ‘o’, little ‘l’.

What have I got? Control - CONTROL – CONTROL!!! Yea!”

Okay, so maybe we do not make a cheer out of it, but do our actions and attitudes yell – nay, demand – control?

Here is the irony about control. The more controlling you are of others and of situations, the less in control you are of yourself. The more in control you are of yourself, the less controlling you will be of others. Or things or situations for that matter.

Control yourself – your attitudes, your actions, your thoughts, your behaviors, your prejudices – and see how much life begins to flow. You cannot control another, but you do influence him/her. And the less controlling your demeanor is, the more influential you are.

YES YOU CAN control your thoughts. As a youth, I went to a horror movie that impacted my life forever, but at the time I thought the only thing I learned was to never attend scary movies again. Planet earth had been invaded by alien creatures with the intent to destroy all humans. The aliens looked alike and had the ability to read a person’s mind – but only the frontal lobe. Since the aliens could read the human’s frontal lobe, they were aware of plans to destroy them, and thus thwarted all attempts. Except for one man. He prepared a bomb to blow up the intruders, but when he was in their presence, he consciously made himself think only of a brick wall.

He would deliberately say to himself, “Brick wall. Brick wall. Brick wall” over and over to keep his other thoughts at bay. It worked. All the aliens gathered around him, trying to determine the meaning of ‘brick wall’; the bomb went off and - amid eerie music - the aliens were blasted to bits, with their eyes glowing in the fire.

When destructive thinking invades, I consciously make myself think only of a brick wall. I deliberately say to myself, “Brick wall. Brick wall. Brick wall” over and over to keep other thoughts at bay. It took time to learn, but it works.

The gossip I wanted to share, the ill feelings toward another person, the negatives about myself and life, the fantasies that invaded, I deliberately destroyed them all by blocking the thoughts. And although their eyes glowed for awhile, they soon faded and are no longer a part of my life. When new destructive thoughts try to come in, it is easy to shoot them down. You can change your mind. And doing so keeps it clean and happy.

YES YOU CAN control your attitude. Attitude is habits of thoughts, and habits can be changed. Change your attitude by developing a larger perspective than the one you have now. Challenge yourself to see outside yourself, to celebrate a life other than your own. Deliberately raise your horizons and consciously grow less selfish. Changing your attitude is accomplished by being open to change, by welcoming diversity, by appreciating all people and by a willingness to learn from all experiences.

YES YOU CAN control your life. Victor Frankl wrote in Man‘s Search for Meaning, “Man is ultimately self-determining. Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment… Man is capable of changing the world for the better if possible, and of changing himself for the better if necessary.”

YES YOU CAN Take Charge of Your Life and be in control of many - perhaps most - personal elements of your life. NO YOU CANNOT control another and certain other things such as the weather.

Assertive Living

Assertive living is to be positive, confident, and self-assured. It is to be forceful in a polite manner that shows respects for yourself and to others. To be assertive is learning to be firm, yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself; kindness shows respect for the other person. Here are some other characteristics of assertive living:

I can express my needs in a clear, non-demanding way. We all have needs and it is alright to have those needs met as long as they do not impinge on another’s needs. Assertive living is to use your words to tell or to ask, rather than assuming or demanding.

I can graciously receive a compliment without embarrassment or discounting it. The confidence and self-assurance of assertive living lets you know you are a person of worth and value and when someone commends an attribute, you humbly say “Thank you”.

I ask questions when I do not understand or the issue is not clear. It is back to using your words. To be assertive is to not fake it or try to slide by. It is having a genuine interest in the issue and to ask clarifying questions.

I am fair with others while seeing to it they are fair with me. It is respecting boundaries. It is being courteous and polite. It is graciously accepting a “No”. It is graciously saying “No” when it is in your own best interest.

I am not concerned with winning, but with equalizing the balance of power. It is realizing I am a person of worth and value and you are a person of worth and value. It is learning to create win-win situations. It is solving problems in a manner that is most beneficial and fair to all.

I understand others have a right to express their wants, needs, feelings, ideas and desires. Assertive living is not just standing up for yourself and your rights, it is also allowing someone to voice a differing view from yours and - even though you may disagree with the statement – continue to still hold the person in high regard.

I can enjoy the assertiveness of others without being intimidated. As the Chinese proverb states, “Behind an able man there are always other able men.”


ASSERTIVE PHRASES

“I cannot respond to that right now.” “I need more information.”
“I like...” “I don’t like....” “I need….”
“I need you to…..” “I need you to stop…”
“I feel…” “I choose to….” “I choose not to…”
“Thank you.” “No thank you.”

Learning to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a line - visible or invisible - that defines and establishes identity. Boundaries (picture a fence) enclose and exclude to protect. Some invisible boundaries are beliefs, creeds, rules and regulations by which we order our lives. These bonds surround and define whether it be political, religious, military, civic, familial, gang or cult. This is who we are, what we believe, what we stand for and what we do. Without boundaries, you cease to exist. Here are some guidelines for setting personal boundaries.

Determine who you are. To establish who you are and who you want to become, clarify who you are not and what you will not allow. Examples: I am not a dumping ground or a punching bag. I do not like foul language so I will not use it or permit it in my presence. I am a person of value and will not be diminished, dismissed or disregarded. Controlling or allowing yourself to be controlled are equally destructive to a relationship.    

Speak up. Although being pro-active is preferred, in the learning stages post-active is okay. It is better late than never. Whether the issue is addressed pre, present or post, the other person may see it as nagging. That is irrelevant. Be confident that you are broaching the issue for the good of the whole. Yes, it will bring peace to you but know that it will also benefit others as they learn to become better citizens of family and society.

Be firm yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself and that your boundaries are not to be violated; kindness shows respect to the one being corrected. We teach people how to treat us. That they can dump or disregard and we will take it, or that we will not be treated in that manner. Until you become comfortable in speaking up, it may initially come off as hostile. Do not be put off by their off putting. Do not be intimidated and do not back down. As you become proficient in speaking up, your demeanor will be strongly soft and relationships will improve.

Change you; influence others. The only person we can change is us. Our changing greatly influences others. Human nature being the sheep-mentality that it is, most people respond in kind rather than being the initial change agent. I encourage you to be that influencing, initial change agent. Life is faithful to give us the lessons over and over until we either learn and the situation is relieved, or we learn and can stay sane and unstressed in the midst of the surrounding immaturity. Regardless, the limits we have set still hold whether they are respected in peace or in protest.

Picture it. Take a tip from professional athletes and see yourself making the shot before being on the court. In your mind re-live a boundary eroding incident and see you responding differently. See you specifically addressing an issue. Formulate the words needed that will clarify your position. Feel yourself being confident and politely forceful.

Learning to set personal boundaries may be intimidating but it is not difficult. Know that you are worth protecting and stand up for yourself. Work it, cause you’re worth it!

Learning to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a line - visible or invisible - that defines and establishes identity. Boundaries (picture a fence) enclose and exclude to protect. Some invisible boundaries are beliefs, creeds, rules and regulations by which we order our lives. These bonds surround and define whether it be political, religious, military, civic, familial, gang or cult. This is who we are, what we believe, what we stand for and what we do. Without boundaries, you cease to exist.

Boundaries determine who you are. To establish who you are and who you want to become, clarify who you are not and what you will not allow. Examples: I am not a dumping ground or a punching bag. I do not like foul language so I will not use it or permit it in my presence. I am a person of value and will not be diminished, dismissed or disregarded.   

Speak up. Although being pro-active is preferred, in the learning stages post-active is okay. It is better late than never. Do not be too concerned about what other think. Whether the issue is addressed pre-present-or post, the other person (with selfish motive and raw emotions) may see it as nagging. That is irrelevant. You have to be confident that you are broaching the issue for the good of all. Yes, it will bring peace to you but know that it will also benefit them as they learn to become better citizens of family and society.

Be firm yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself and that your boundaries are not to be violated; kindness shows respect to the one being corrected. We teach people how to treat us. That they can dump or disregard and we will take it, or that we will not be treated in that manner. Until you become comfortable in speaking up, it may initially come off as hostile. Do not be put off by their off putting. Do not be intimidated and do not back down. As you become proficient in speaking up, your demeanor will be strongly soft and relationships will improve.

Change you; influence others. The only person we can change is us. Our changing greatly influences others. Human nature being the sheep-mentality that it is, most people respond in kind rather than being the initial change agent. I encourage you to be that influencing, initial change agent. Life is faithful to give us the lessons over and over until we either learn and the situation is relieved, or we learn and can stay sane and unstressed in the midst of the surrounding immaturity. Regardless, the limits we have set still hold whether they are respected in peace or in protest.

Picture it. Take a tip from professional athletes and see yourself making the shot before being on the court. In your mind re-live a boundary eroding incident and see you responding differently. See you specifically addressing an issue. Formulate the words needed that will clarify your position. Feel yourself being confident and politely forceful.

Learning to set personal boundaries may be intimidating but it is not difficult. Know that you are worth protecting and stand up for yourself. Work it, cause you’re worth it!

How Much Do You Help?

Reaching out to another is an excellent way of showing that you care. Yet, this noble attribute begs the question, “How much do you help?”

Giving too much or too little is based on perspective. From the giver’s standpoint, the help may be minimal. From the receiver’s view, it may be a boundary breaker.

We are complex individuals comprised of diverse life-experiences. Each interaction pits one’s life-experiences against another’s life-experiences. All one has to bring to the table at any given time is his collective quality of beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, actions and relationships. All come up short.

In toxic spills, the first response team is taught key elements. These guidelines are for everyone’s safety:
· Become familiar with the placards (know what toxin is being hauled)
· Evaluate the situation before engaging
· Determine plan of egress (when/how to leave or call in other help)

Dialogue with yourself before jumping in to do for another. Assess the need. Determine your level of expertise and check your motive.

· What is his/her lifestyle? Her level of clean may not match yours. His view of organization may lean to the messy side. Their style of parenting may be more relaxed than yours.
· Why are you doing this? Is it to impress? Is it to reap personal benefit? Do you keep score? Do you tally rewards? Do you collect favors? Is it an obligation? Is it something you think you “should do”? Or are you pitching in because you think you are expected to do it? It is a duty or a delight? Does helping give you a warm feeling or build resentment? Are you pleased to be of service or is it another demand upon your time? Can you receive? How about a compliment?
· Can you determine when enough is enough? Are you sensitive to another’s need for when enough is enough?

Remember the air safety advice: “Put on your oxygen mask first”.

After you have taken care of your own basic needs you can better take on a needed sacrifice. Enjoy the feeling of self-worth and maintain positive relationship with the one being helped (whether little or much). Do not lost touch with your limitations. Do not neglect your own well-being. Graciously do what is within your scope. Graciously receive thanks. Graciously stop. Effective help assures that on a grand scale everyone gets the support they need.

See a need and fill it. The day of the teen’s funeral there was a gully washer. After the burial, family and friends gathered at the church for a meal together, honoring the teen's life and comforting each other. Muddy shoes were removed and stacked by the door.

In anonymity, without fanfare or recognition, someone cleaned all the mud-packed shoes. Shiny footwear awaited the mourners upon departure. The act was thoughtful; it was just enough. The gratitude was deep.

Whether large or small, genuine good deeds are about the character of the giver. Whether large or small, receptivity to the help given is largely dependent upon giving and or doing just the right amount.

Feel free to post your comments. I love hearing from you.

Building Your Safety Net

Restlessness and complacency are twin rivals of the human psyche.

Accept who you are now and grow into whom you want to become and where you want to go or do. The fairy tale world of “Someday I’ll…” does not come true. Wishing and dreaming is not enough. Such irrational thinking sees self as whole and complete. It takes out all the temptations and struggles of today’s reality. Get in touch with your humanness, accept help and guidance and develop those latent strengths.

Monitor your growth. Set a benchmark to focus on and keep track of day-to-day progress. Studies show, for example, that weight loss is twice as effective for those who record their food intake as those who do not. It makes reality more visible, whereas non-measured activity lends to error.

Give up trying (low energy) and go with doing (high energy). Look at how far you have come “since when” and embrace where you are now. Trying embraces struggle whereas doing releases ideas and energy and results. Baby steps are okay. Success in small increments ups the ante to keep on.

Consider changing your playground and your playmates. The body is a remarkable instrument that wants to heal itself. The cells in the body have only two positions: closed for protection and open for growth. Glucose is a willpower enforcer that is released into the blood stream in nurturing environments.

Glucose “willpower” is constricted in hostile, not-good-for-you settings. Consider who is good for you and hang around them. Get honest with who/what is not good for you and limit exposure.

Change is invigorating to soul, mind, body and spirit. Like most things, habits are both good and not so good. The habit that propels you to brush your teeth is great, not so much the one that unthinkingly reaches for the cigarettes. When surroundings are the same, so too are ingrained habits.

A slight change in your environment can cause you to re-think. Replace junk food with fruits and vegetables. Put interesting reading material on top of the TV remote. Keep dumbbells in an accessible spot for impromptu strength training. Every time you chose a positive move, consciously tell yourself you are brain-training your mind.

Believe it and see it. Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality. Athletes who visualize overcoming an obstacle win hands down over the also-rans who tried to do their best. Anticipate challenges and see yourself succeeding anyway. Practice graciously and boldly saying “No, thank you” to those tempting offers that are sure to come.

There is strength in numbers. Align yourself with people who embody the character qualities you want developed. Get involved with wholesome groups like church, sports and mentors. Hang around those who encourage you, support you and cheer you on.

Be kind and patient. Beating yourself up serves no worthwhile purpose whereas self-compassion - especially in light of set-backs - leads to self-control and do-over motivation.

Refuse to indulge in the vicious cycle of error, guilt, condemnation and greater error. Self-forgiveness sets you up to focus on what you really want, who you really are and whom you really can become.

Watch your self-talk directed at others. Judging, condemning and criticizing others turns them into your enemy whether they are or not. We need community. The person you judge as self-righteous may be dealing with his own demons in a different manner than you. Just maybe what you see as nagging is a mishandled way of encouragement. Suppose they (mom, mate, co-worker, authority) see the real possibilities within you and - out of frustration -tries to force you into being you. With the reciprocity of life such as it is your extending compassion to him comes back to you.

Walking a high wire needs a safety net. So does life. The good news is that with a self-balancer in hand, it requires less and less effort to stay aright. A set-back does not mean failure. What counts is how you recover. Get up, dust yourself off and get right back on track. It’s worth it.

Let's start a conversation.

Relationship and Communication

Language is a way of communicating and therefore is code for understanding. Our words convey information. Only the words used and the way in which the words are understood often do not match. This results in miscommunication and difficulty in the relationship.

Developing relationship means letting go of the things you cannot change. Maintain your sanity in the midst of relationship miscues by finding healthy alternatives.
When a non-response is seen as a choice of a person’s will, serious thought needs to be given to how you will respond. The hearing impairment may not be able to hear but there are things we can do to improve communication.

Likewise the child lost in play is not necessarily being disobedient or difficult. So also for the one involved in work, reading or even TV. Get his attention before speaking, form words distinctly, use a pleasant tone and do not disrespect his personhood. We are each self-determining and a lot of things vie for our time and attention.

Find the locus of control. You cannot change the behavior of another, only of yourself. The more you develop relationship with the non-compliant person, the greater your influence on him/her to want to change to please you. Continually ask, “Is what I am about to say or do going to draw us closer together or push us farther apart?” Change your approach. Look for solutions not faults.

There is a difference in asking someone to give up who she is for your preference and in asking that she acknowledge your position. If you cannot accept her point of view, please respect the person enough to refrain from ridicule or put-downs.
When things are seen as “Her fault”, then you think she needs to change.

If you see self as being right, the line is crossed into being the one who makes her change. When you demand someone change to please you, the line is crossed into controlling.

Bruised egos often fear their own value of being loveable. In self-protective defense they project suspicions onto the one they love. Fears are waylaid and healing comes through calm and open communication. Peace is regained through the realization that this independent individual with a multitude of choices is choosing relationship with you. Work on it.

Men and women see things differently and often take opposite routes to come to the same conclusion. The goal is for harmony in the long run. To be more objective, take yourself out of the middle. Listen to and respond to the words only and tease out presumed hidden agendas.

Sometimes we make our own complications and do not realize it. Stop looking for “what' or “something” or the fantasy life or the "but" in life. Responding with “that’s interesting” is a neutral, time-delaying, non-threatening response that does not destroy relationship.

P.S. Let us hear from you.

Flawed and Fabulous

You are fabulous. Regardless of what Jane/John says (fill in appropriate name) you are great. You are a being of infinite worth and value. You are a unique and special one-of-a-kind individual, a work of art with a designer label.

You are flawed. Regardless of what ego trip you may take, you are imperfect. To determine your authentic fabulous self from a generic-follow-the-crowd-brand starts with asking and answering some difficult questions.

Nothing shapes relationships and success like the picture you have of you. The trouble is that we often assume our identity based on hearsay, and therefore, give too much weight to what others say. Or to what you think others think. Although you are a product of your environment you can choose to not be victimized by it. Disillusionment sets in when you feel you are not good enough.

When you think about you what do you say? What is your self-talk? Do you feel you are not capable? That you do not live up to another’s expectation of you? That you do not deserve the position or the accolades?

Do you feel anxious when you make a mistake? Do your actions testify that on some level you believe that your mistakes make you a bad person? Listen to your self-talk. Although you may disagree intellectually, doesn’t insignificance feel true on some gut level?

A mistake is a mis-take (miss take). “Back up the trolley” and give yourself a do-over.

Should vs. could. “I should have” is weighty. “Shoulds” brand you emotionally as an idiot. “I could have” is empowering, giving new insight to do the do-over with more wisdom, grace and accuracy. The “I should” take up wasted space for “I could” action.

Should is past tense, focusing on doing something yesterday that is virtually impossible. Or “I should” can be used to placate being lazy or refusing to take action. They add to your self-view of being flawed. It is also stress-producing.

Could is present tense; look at the reality of now and the ability of you to do or to learn to do. Determine what you could do and enhance your self-view of being fabulous. Decide what you could do, do it and disassociate with should. Enough said.

Speak up. Assertive is a freeing way to live. It is learning to be able to speak up for fabulous you without undue anxiety. It is learning to say "No" or "Yes" only when it is in your own best interest. Say "No" and feel good about it. Say "Yes" when you have the energy, time and resources to do so without depleting you. You cannot give out of an empty basket; assertive is taking care of you so you can joyfully give to others.

Assertive is easy to learn and effective in making life better and improving relationships. It is becoming your own person so the wonderful, fabulous person God has created you to be shines through those pesky flaws.

Share with us how you are fabulous inspite of flaws.

Playing and Enjoying the Game of Life

Life is sometimes referred to as a game. Do you know of any game that does not have rules? There are do’s and do not’s that govern what happens on the playing field. Rules add to the enjoyment of the game for participant as well as for spectator.

Boundaries contribute to the freedom and enjoyment of the game. When a line is crossed, play stops. Referees watch for fair play and call a foul when one member is hurt or wrongly inhibited. When a player does not adhere to the rules of the game, problems ensue.

Fair play also applies to life. In non-nurturing environments rules are assumed more than stated. Punishment ensues for disobeying. Individuality is disavowed. Confrontation is avoided. The no-rules rule is extremely stressing and no one can effectively live it.

Determine your play before hand. Think through difficult plays and project your response. Be forearmed to defuse the attack.
· “Thank you for your input, I will consider it.”
· “That is not the way I see it.”
· “Because I choose to.”
· “I will not allow you to treat me that way.”
· “I ask you to (be specific).”
· “I believe that is my decision.”
· “The discussion is over.”
· “I choose to not respond to the accusations.”

Speak, then reinforce. Stating once is enough. The offender did not forget your stance s/he is choosing to ignore it. Reinforce with as few words as possible, and do so in a pleasant, yet firm tone. Firmness reinforces respect for you and pleasantness reinforces respect for the offender. Bring a conclusion by politely changing the subject or leaving the room.

Take a break. We are intelligent beings. We are also emotional beings. And when the emotions take over, thinking takes a holiday. The secret to keeping both in founds is breathing. Slow. Deep. Purposely. Deliberately. Allow incoming oxygen to calm the passion and send blood flow to the brain to re-engage rational thinking. Use it for yourself. Gently give it to your companion. Without fanfare, allow him to take a minute to calm down. Do not demand answers. In heightened emotions, we do not have answers anyway; we only have rationalization and justification.

Are you enjoying the game of life? The more we adhere to the rules of fair play, the more fun it becomes. And always, always, be a good sport about fouls. Remember, rules do not hinder the activity or the athlete.

Beat the Winter Blues

Although February is the shortest month of the year, sometimes it seems like the longest. With cold days and gray skies and the deadness of the landscape, we overlook that spring is around the corner. Here are some thoughts for beating the winter blues.

Maintain an attitude of gratitude. Write down three things for which you are thankful. Everyday. Deliberate and do not record the same item twice. When being thankful for an individual – say your mate – enumerate a different character quality or deed.

Engage Life. Dance. Put on some music and sway back and forth. Allow the movement to awaken your spirit. Feed the birds and watch their antics. Socialize. Do something to add zest to your daily routine.

Let there be light. Dig out a few Christmas lights and swag over a window or fireplace to brighten the place up on dreary days. Give your home a festive look; decorate a table or special area. The theme is not so important, just add sparkle and cheer. Sit and luxuriate in the beauty of your handiwork.

Read for the pleasure of pure entertainment. Laugh with a comedy or be taken away by a romance novel. Hone your strategizing skills with a spine-tingling mystery. Find empowerment in true-life experiences written by those who have been there. Be comforted through Holy Scriptures.

Stay warm. Layer your clothing to allow air to act as insulation. Keep your hands, feet and head covered. Bundle up and take a relaxing walk.

Treat yourself. Employ simple ways to delight you. Drink hot chocolate from your best china cup. Wear a colorful scarf. Purchase a small item that makes you feel special. Surround yourself with the soft light and sweet smell of a candle.

This too shall pass. Carl Jung said, “The gold is in the dark.” What is the winter season trying to teach you? Allow this poem to be a source of encouragement.


When you're feeling down and all alone,
and your faith in tomorrow is gone;
Without the night, the sun would seem dim;
and thorns are found on the roses' stem;
It is stones in the brook that creates a song,
as the waters flow faithfully along;
And roots grow deepest in the winter's frost.
So cheer up, my child, your hope is not lost.
© 1986 Mona Dunkin



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Leave 'Em Wanting More

Google gives several speculations as to who coined the phrase “leave ‘em wanting more”. Some say it started with show business. If your audience wants more, they will be repeat customers. Regardless, the underlying message suggests stopping while you are ahead. Or stop in order to get ahead.

To give too much renders one under-appreciated.

TMJ (too much information). To unleash excess information on another may be put you in a bad light. Too much complaining, even if valid, makes you appear petty. Too many details, even if your passion, become boring to those with a cursory interest. Too much self-depreciation makes others uncomfortable. Too much self-aggrandizement spurs companions to the exit door.

TMT (too much time). Time is a valuable gift life has given to each of us. How we use it is our gift to others. Giving too much time to a project can produce undue stress. Giving too much time to an individual can breed discontentment. Taking too much time to make a decision can leave one either behind or stuck.

TMS (too much stuff). Giving can be a touchy subject. When gifts are forced, the giver is often resented. How many toys do the grandkids need? Or even want? When gifts are thoughtless they are often under-appreciated. Is your giving in keeping with what you want to give (i.e. want them to have) rather that what the recipient wants to be given. Are you willing to give what the recipient prefers even if not to your liking? Or does it become something to be hidden and displayed only to appease guilt?

TMH (too much help). Reaching out is a noble attribute and can be an excellent way to show that you care. From the giver’s standpoint, the help may be minimal, but from the receiver’s view, it may be a boundary breaker. Harmony in knowledge and skill sets renders a pleasant exchange. Ask politely before jumping in and doing. If part-way through tension suggests too much, graciously stop without offense.

Psychiatrists Carl Jung said that others are mirrors reflecting us back to us. When you sense tension from another, allow that to mirror a need to self-evaluate one’s own approach.

In what ways might you on the verge of “too much”? Project a little mystery. Not to be difficult, just to be less predictable. It’s to “leave ‘em wanting more.”

I'd love to hear from you. Please comment.

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Overcoming Being a Jerk

In the movie, The Call of the Wilderness, Stewart Little befriended Carlos the Skunk. In building their relationship Stewart Little taught Carlos valuable life lessons. Carlos said “I thought the other animals didn’t like me because I smelled. Now I realize they didn’t like me because I was a jerk.”

Here is a simple assessment of jerky behavior and thoughts for overcoming.

Are you tactfully and respectfully able to speak openly and honestly? Do you give thought before addressing an issue? Do you respect the person even when you disapprove of the behavior? Or do you blurt out your truth (opinion) and let the chips fall wherever they may?

Can you address hard issues without undue anxiety? Are you emotionally honest about your feelings? Do you allow anger to mask your hurt?

Do you enjoy spending time with your family? Or do you dread togetherness? What is your attitude in taking care of common household responsibilities? Forced or willing? Are you a team player or a lone-ranger?

Do you recite a litany of what everyone is “supposed” to do? Do you keep score? If things do not go your way, do you raise a stink?

How do you handle criticism? Being defensive when corrected is a mark of immaturity. Rather than get honest with one’s shortcomings and deal with them head-on, a jerk tries to protect self at all cost. The ego is too bruised to handle the comment so he counter-attacks.

The jerk views his offensive behavior as an ill-fated flaw which he has no power to correct. It goes beyond being wrong to being a failure. Overcome being a jerk by realizing you have been given the opportunity of seeing yourself from another’s point of view. One outside of yourself. That the critic’s response is a mirror reflecting you back to you.

Do you mask your imperfections? Perfectionists are especially tough on themselves. Not so much from not knowing their faults but from fear of another finding them out.

Get over yourself. Become a part of the human race; one flawed individual interacting with other flawed individuals. See their comment as a meaningful suggestion not as a pronunciation of your being a totally inept person. Good response: “Oh, I hadn’t thought of it that way. Thank you for pointing it out.”

Are you willing to forgive? Regardless of how painful, do not allow a passing moment to become a lifetime hurtful memory. Do not allow your scars to turn into sarcastic, demeaning responses, aimed at the guilty and innocent alike. Start with the decision to forgive you. In time, that will give you the courage to extend forgiveness to others. Come to grips with your past so you can move beyond it.

Rationalization is not evaluation. Cessandra Farmer says that “Rationalization is giving a socially acceptable answer for a socially unacceptable behavior.” Rationalization is being a jerk. No matter how much information is given, either positively or negatively, until the individual evaluates the situation for himself, the confrontation is mute.

I suggest Carlos came to his conclusion by observing his previous off-putting behavior and assessing the lack of fulfillment. I encourage you to do the same. Self-evaluate, get honest and overcome. Even skunks can become pleasant to be around.

Let’s start a conversation. What jerky behavior have you observed? What are positive steps for change? Please make a comment regarding this post. Thanks.

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The Tension of Boundaries

Life is filled with tension; ask any self-willed child. The tension lies between what one wants to do and what is not prudent for one to do. Many times the tension is between timidity and courage. In order to establish boundaries in a difficult relationship, one must first determine his/her limits. And second, think through your approach. Here are some thoughts.

They are limits to what one can enforce. For instance, you can request another to reframe from using vulgar language (at least in your presence) or you can choose to walk away if the petition is not honored, but you cannot make the person cleanup his foul mouth. Although constraint can be feigned, change has to be a personal choice.

Timing is important. Speak with an offended person when his emotions are not guarded. Explain that you need to express how you feel in hopes of deeper understanding on both sides. Emphasize this is an observation, not an attack. The underlying emotion behind being defensive is a fear of loss; the loss of your respect, your concern, your love. Lack of giving meaningful feedback is the fear of being seen as critical or rude; also the fear of being wrong.

Do not back down from the consequences. Be forewarned that whether adhered to or balked at, the request may create added tension in the relationship. The resolution depends a great deal on your on-going attitude in further interaction with the individual. Do not back down and do not allow yourself to be less than who you are. Diminishing self gives another undue power over you. And both lose.

Do not hint around or pout. When you have something on your mind please say it.
Monitor your attitude to be matter-of-fact rather than condemning. Keep the lines of communication open by allowing feedback. Rephrase the comment to be sure you have understood the issue correctly. When respect and trust are missing in relationship resentment quickly moves in.

Give room to grow. To the person who assures you that everything is “Okay”, it is not your job to cajole him out of a snit. Give him alone time to work through his own issues. In future encounters say “Are you concerned about something?” If he is not receptive, disengage with the probe.

The beauty of establishing your limits is that your demeanor precedes you so that new encounters will sense and honor your principles. Should one broach your limits, your quick-and-firm-yet-kind response will evoke an apology and light stepping.

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Overcome Being Overwhelmed

It is a common malady. Saying “Yes” when “No” is really in your own best interest. Assuming responsible for others and overstepping your bounds. Fall into the try-to-be-all-things-to-all-people syndrome and being unappreciated. Erroneously thinking “If it’s to be, it’s up to me.”

Evaluate responsibility. Responsibility is an honorable trait and it is imperative to understand its limits. Be responsible for you and to others. You are responsible for your choices, your attitude, your thoughts, your actions, and whom you associate with. You are not responsible for another’s choices, attitude, actions and associations. In trying to control what (whom) we cannot control that contributes to being overwhelmed. Assess your position and adjust. Being responsible for the world is too heavy a burden for your shoulders. It creates stress, guilt and unnecessary frustration. Let it go! Embrace the flowing freedom on being less responsible. Pause before ever considering a “Yes” response or a dictate of what “should” be done.

Relationships are not one-sided. Unmet expectations breed frustration that is played out in negatives acts (consciously or unconsciously). You are not obligated to cajole your mate out of his snit. Let him work through it on his own. The same is true for teens and co-workers. You can speak to the need for an attitude adjustment, but you are not the mechanic. Step out of the emotion of the moment into a detach frame to assess if the mood is vindictive. If the intention was not for harm, then together engage in clean up.

Do not keep score. Tit-for-tat is futile. If someone accomplished more on the project than you, appreciate it. Go for teamwork where all win together. If the neighbor has a bigger house so what? Your worth and value is not attached to material things. Maybe he did not apologize, but if his actions changed then receive it graciously. Another may be better looking or have a greater physique, but your significance is not tied to externals.

Re-think and Re-teach. We teach others how to treat us by the things we allow and/or do not allow. Mistaken cooperation allows the offender to get away with disrespect; to break boundaries; to intrude and wreck our space. Speak up. Say something like, "I realize that I have led you to believe that my time is your time. I have allowed you to disrespect me and acted as if it didn't matter. It does matter. I apologize for being weak. I ask you to never speak to me in that manner again."

Take care of you. You cannot give out of an empty basket. When you are running on fumes, not only are you depleting you, you are also shortchanging them. Put yourself to bed at night. Make alone time for you to regenerate. Do something special just for you. Sit down to eat and make it healthy stuff. Leave a project undone; the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Let’s revisit the “If it’s to be it’s up to me” statement. In some instances that is exactly true. And this is one of them. Overcoming is a do-it-yourself job. To rise above being overwhelmed the ball is in your court. Say “No” and feel good about it. Be responsible to but not for others (family included with the exception of small children). With surrender comes a big exhale. Enjoy.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Just Say "No"

You can learn to say “No” when it is in your own best interest. It is not difficult. Actually it comes naturally; just ask any two-year-old. What happened to take away your power is not relevant now. It is imperative that you get it back.

Start by moving. The key is to go forward. When you are paralyzed by fear or anxiety - start moving and start speaking. We are drawn to the familiar. This makes it hard to step into the unknown even when that action holds a promise of a better future. Let go of the familiar rut and reach for something new. Search deep inside for courage and trust. Trust yourself, trust others and trust God (higher power). You are equipped to handle things beyond your seeming capacity.
Find your own beginning and ending. Boundaries make trust and intimacy possible. Allowing another to make all the decisions may give a brief sense of security, but it is not sustaining. Loving someone too much is a disguise for your own insecurity. The feeling of bondage to another is more than physical; it is also psychological and spiritual. Get in touch with you to know where you end and another begins. “No” is a good word. It claries what an individual can or cannot do; what they can or cannot expect from you.

Get real. The person who continually apologizes for repeated wrongs is not sorry. If the person apologizes each time, then he knows his behavior is inappropriate and his regret is mere passive inaction. If you continue to accept the apology without a change in behavior then in effect you are saying, “It is okay for you to disrespect me.” Your lack of boundary inadvertently gives permission for the abuse to continue. Failure to say “No” to offensive behavior is perceived to be the same as accepting it. Establishing this boundary may present a minor conflict, but it is worth the effort.

Give grace. This is not to say that good intentions do not occasionally go awry and a person needs to apologize again and renew commitment to change. I am talking about a pattern of repeated conning with no effort to change. When marked genuine and accountable effort is given, then and only then, graciously allow the individual to regroup, recommit and start again.

Just say “No” is meant to be empowering, not glib. Even when you free yourself and begin to become assertive one is often still bound by fear, doubt and uncertainty. It is especially difficult when the odds seem stacked against you by a lack of resources, money or education. The overwhelming feeling is to negotiate, retreat or surrender. Help is available. Speak with local clergy or law enforcement to find assistance and support groups. Call Abuse Hot Line: 800-283-8401.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Overcoming Co-Dependency

Co-dependency came to the forefront in 1979 when counselors began to notice a recurring problem in families after alcoholics became sober. The alcoholic became dependent upon alcohol and, in his/her self-absorption, became progressively less involved in family matters. The family, in their need for things to be “normal”, became dependent upon fixing the alcoholic. The survival techniques reinforced the alcoholic behavior. All members developed unhealthy ways of relating to each other.

Co-dependency is not limited to alcoholic families and is seen in any compulsive/addictive behavior such as workaholic, gambling, sexual behaviors, religious fanatics, overeating, spending addicts, thrill seekers, entertainment junkies, and those with an obsession for control.

Need vs. need. We need each other in healthy interdependent relationships. Because of our need to love and belong, it becomes easy to fall into an unhealthy co-dependent mode.

Dysfunction is spawn in a non-nurturing environment. So much energy is spent being the addict or in surviving the negative atmosphere, that very little mental and emotional energy is available to nurture self, the children, or to meet the needs of other family members.

All are driven to search for wholeness. In doing so doing unhealthy attachments may be formed and one loses her identity in the other person. It is needing others for self-worth. Co-dependency is expecting external factors to fulfill internal needs.

Co-dependency is trying to make others happy at the expense of your own well-being. One may contribute to another’s happiness; he cannot be another’s happiness. Each are self-determining and resent well-meaning intervention. The key to your well-being is in your hands. You have a responsibility to honor your peace of mind. In the process, you become a greater positive influence.

Need for control. Co-dependency is attempting to overcome insecurity by controlling people, events, and things. A child’s first job is to trust. When trust is not formed, he/she seeks to protect, rescue, fix, or take care of others to gain personal security. The behaviors are noble, but the hidden motive is to elicit praise and approval to prove one’s self-worth and value.

People pleasers. A toddler’s job is to conform to the rules of civilized life while developing healthy initiative to be his own person. Failure to find one’s true self is linked to the mistaken beliefs that love, acceptance, worth, security and success is dependent upon doing the right thing. Or being perfect.

Co-dependency is passed from one generation to another. The one with the need to fix, rescue, or take care of will be drawn to one who needs to be fixed, rescued, or taken care of. And visa versa. The result is two empty souls drawn to each other our of compulsive/addictive need, not love or choice. An empty woman drawn to an empty man produces a child from whom they draw love from rather than give nurture to. The child is expected to heal the relationship, but becomes depleted and empty. The empty child believes something is wrong with him or he would be loved.

All will stay empty and co-dependent except for adherence to the AA tenant of “I came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.”

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Communication Blocks

If you think communication is all talking, you haven’t been listening. Communication is the sharing of information or ideas in a manner that is clearly understood by the listener or reader. To become a better communicator, consider the following blocks that may be keys in your projection or in your understanding.

Picture it. We speak in words but think in pictures. If we do not get the picture, we do not get the concept. Because words have different meanings, conflicting pictures are drawn. When I say “cat” what do you see? Is he full grown or small? What color? What setting is he in? What if you had never seen a Kristom Leedom cat (bald and wrinkly) or a Manx with no tail?

Life experiences. The pictures projected in our mind are in direct correlation to one’s life experiences. The mind continually searches your “life history file” for similar smells, tastes, sights, audios or feelings to make a connection. Even when the retrieved data is akin, it does not exactly match the sender’s information because each individual is unique in how situations affect him or her.

The speed bump. We process words faster than understanding. The person giving the information has the whole picture (from his/her point of view). We do not know where the other person is coming from or what picture he/she is seeing. It is like being blindfolded and asked to describe what is placed in your hand. A familiar object, such as a ball, may be readily identified but will still have missing images such as color and size.

Imagination is a factor. There are no gaps in communication because the mind fills in the voids. Fills in with what? Life experiences. Or tries to. The individual with limited life exposure or poor imaging does not have a clue how to fix the problem. He does not understand why he cannot communicate with another so he “gets it”. When the sender cannot communicate with the receiver, he responds negatively, in anger or gives up. “Forget it”. “Why try?” “I’m dumb.”

There is a wide range of imaging ability: very poor, good, excellent or even bizarre. If there were no bizarre imaginations there would be no new inventions or science fiction.

Unkind labels. When the listener does not grasp the picture the sender is intending, there is a block in communication – and even more harmful – labels are attached. He is assumed to not be paying attention. Or she is not listening. Or does not care. Or is dumb. Lazy. Slow learner. Stupid. Oppositional.

What I say, plus what you hear. What does it equal? What I have said? What you have heard? Neither? Where is the break down? With the receiver? With the sender? Both? If your message is not getting across, spend time thinking and learning how better to express yourself. If you are not receiving information well, spend time thinking and learning how to be more understanding and patient and develop empathy. The relationship is worth the effort.


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