Control: Internal vs. External

One meaning of control is “to have power over”. Regardless of our rank or position in life, the bottom line is: The only person over whom we have power of control is ourselves and to try to force this power over others is deadly to healthy relationship. 

Influence! Now that's something entirely different... 

Regardless of our rank or position in life, no one can control you to make you do anything you do not wish to do. We can cajole, threaten, humiliate, reward, bribe, punish or instigate other creative measures to control another, but if the upper hand is gained, it is only because he chose to give in to our demand. If we are willing to accept the outcome, no one can make us do anything we do not wish to do.

As the defiant lad said, “I may be sitting down on the outside but I am standing up on the inside!” 

The action may have changed but not the attitude. He lad was not controlled. The child chose to sit because to continue in his current action would bring pain. The child internally chose to externally control himself. The one issuing the mandate may mistakenly think he controlled the child.

And thus sets up the power struggle of the human condition.

When we push for control we make it about us. We overcome when we realize that the stress is more about us than it is about him. That is not to discount that he is being a royal jerk! It is to become aware that the only person over whom we have control is me and, therefore, I do not have to respond in kind to his behavior, attitude or offense.

Responding in kind is to give back in equivalent to what has been received. Just because he has been rude, impatient and aggressive, does not mean that I get to be defensive, frustrated and antagonistic. The less we exercise personal control the more control we try to wield over others.

Conversely, the more internal personal control we exercise – the more we choose to have power over our thoughts, our actions and our emotions – the less controlling we will be of others.

Everything that happens to you is self-created. Whenever you're responding to any

situation, whether it's a sip of coffee, or a traffic jam, or a love note, or criticism

from a boss, or rainy weather, you're in fact responding to a signal that you

generated within yourself.” -- Deepak Chopra

Once you buy into being aware and put personal responses into practice, you become empowered internally that influences externally. Control of self – your thoughts, your actions and your emotions - is a high form of power/control. Trying to control another backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive).

When we give up external controlling techniques we are in a greater position to influence to the positive.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America’s most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or monadunkin@gmail.com 

Overcoming Contrl Issues

By nature, mankind is self-centered.  We expect others, things or circumstances to treat us the way we think we deserve.  When this does not happen, we take over, trying to control situations and people, either directly, indirectly, or covertly.  Only by giving up control can one be truly free.

Control comes from a Latin word meaning “counter role”.
    1.  dominating, commanding, governing, mastering, manipulating, having charge of
    2.  restraining, restricting, repressing, subduing

Ways ineffective irresponsible control manifests itself:
I have to have things my way regardless.       
My needs are the only ones that really matter.
My opinions are more valid than any one else’s. 
Bad case of the “have to’.”
I deserve to be treated fairly and justly at all times.   
The big “I” and little “you”.
It must never rain on my parade.           
Performance is all important.

Language of the controller:
  “You (they) need to…”
  “You should have …”
  “Why didn’t you…” 
“If only you would…”
  “I would never do that!”
“If I was you, I would…”

BECOME A RESPONSIBLE PERSON

by being responsible for…

my thoughts

my actions

my emotions

my choices

my responses

Here are suggestions for effective choices in choosing to give up control counter roles):
I choose to accept my worth and value as a person alive and living on planet earth.
I do not really know myself, my wants or my motives. 
I do not really know what another things or means through his/her words or actions. 
I am incapable of solving all problems.
I do not have the definitive answer for myself, let alone for you.
There are more variables involved that I am aware of and I am willing to consider them.
I choose to not be sucked into another’s problems or emotions.
I choose to give up control - even when it seems unreasonable.
I do not always have to have my way.
I choose to not be driven by my emotions.
What is more important, my way or this relationship?
I cannot be all things to all people and I accept my freedom to quit trying.
I choose to be a unique individual and to let others be unique individuals.
I cannot control another person and I give up my assumed right to do so.
Others cannot make me happy and I choose to stop expecting them to.
I cannot make another happy and I choose to stop attempting to do so.
The only person I can control is me and as I control me I will be a more positive influence. 

Live. Learn. Love. Co-operate.

Improved Relationships

May these Improved Relationship suggestions add to the holiness of the Holiday Season.

“But I’m doing the best I can.” Even though tempted to use that excuse, my self-awareness, social understanding and spiritual consciousness prods me until I get honest in defining my part of the problem and seeking effective solutions. Though we may think we are doing the best we can in the moment,on honest reflection we can see improvements for the next time.

Look at your own history. Do you have a string of rocky/broken relationships, unsatisfactory jobs, contention with authority, stressful living and overall lack of happiness and success? Do not joust at windmills trying to fix everyone else. Look at the common denominator – you.

As the TV commercial suggests, pointing out a problem is not enough. Look for your underlying motive through reflection and find solutions through trial and error. The path includes honest thought, sincere planning, decision making, willingness to sacrifice and unassuming action.

Questioning your hidden agenda is a good place to start. There is faith in honest doubt. Will you meet your belonging need by following the crowd or be true to your authentic self by heeding your the still small voice? And you must become quiet to hear it.

Conscious is an inward knowing of right from wrong with a compulsion to do what is right. One’s life purpose includes doing what is best for you and, by default, it is also best for others. We are all connected and our lives enter-twine.

Be responsible for your thoughts and your actions. Placing blame somewhere else puts the situation outside yourself and causes one to think the fix is up to him/her. When we identify our part of the problem and take responsibility for our thoughts, our attitude and our actions, then we have something we can work with.

That is not to say that we work independently. I/we messed this us. I/we are each responsible to some degree. I/we need course correction. The thing is, the only one over whom we have control is the “I” portion, not the “we” factor(s). To take personal responsibility results in empowerment. You have found the one and only locus of control.

life is about need verses need. Once you make the decision to quit blaming and to take responsibility for your part, the atmosphere mysteriously softens and the seeming opponent is placed in a more comfortable position to follow your lead.

The greatest threat to taking back your own life is comparing yourself with others and deeming self as having fallen short. This leads to following the crowd and participating in group think. It becomes a self-depreciating way that leads to stagnation and conflict (with you more than them).

Understand the necessity of self-imposed limits. I define responsibility as “having ability to determine how to respond”. It is through discipline that we move from dissatisfaction to hopeful. Placing limits leads to fulfillment.

Don’t Cope, Overcome: Flourish and overcome by really doing the best you can. Think it through, make a choice, act upon your decision and relish the feel good results. Your life is a gift worth receiving (or taking back).

Control Issues

“Give me a BIG ’C’, little ‘o’, little ‘n’, little ‘t’, little ‘r’, little ‘o’, little ‘l’.

What have I got? Control - CONTROL – CONTROL!!! Yea!”

Okay, so maybe we do not make a cheer out of it, but do our actions and attitudes yell – nay, demand – control?

Here is the irony about control. The more controlling you are of others and of situations, the less in control you are of yourself. The more in control you are of yourself, the less controlling you will be of others. Or things or situations for that matter.

Control yourself – your attitudes, your actions, your thoughts, your behaviors, your prejudices – and see how much life begins to flow. You cannot control another, but you do influence him/her. And the less controlling your demeanor is, the more influential you are.

YES YOU CAN control your thoughts. As a youth, I went to a horror movie that impacted my life forever, but at the time I thought the only thing I learned was to never attend scary movies again. Planet earth had been invaded by alien creatures with the intent to destroy all humans. The aliens looked alike and had the ability to read a person’s mind – but only the frontal lobe. Since the aliens could read the human’s frontal lobe, they were aware of plans to destroy them, and thus thwarted all attempts. Except for one man. He prepared a bomb to blow up the intruders, but when he was in their presence, he consciously made himself think only of a brick wall.

He would deliberately say to himself, “Brick wall. Brick wall. Brick wall” over and over to keep his other thoughts at bay. It worked. All the aliens gathered around him, trying to determine the meaning of ‘brick wall’; the bomb went off and - amid eerie music - the aliens were blasted to bits, with their eyes glowing in the fire.

When destructive thinking invades, I consciously make myself think only of a brick wall. I deliberately say to myself, “Brick wall. Brick wall. Brick wall” over and over to keep other thoughts at bay. It took time to learn, but it works.

The gossip I wanted to share, the ill feelings toward another person, the negatives about myself and life, the fantasies that invaded, I deliberately destroyed them all by blocking the thoughts. And although their eyes glowed for awhile, they soon faded and are no longer a part of my life. When new destructive thoughts try to come in, it is easy to shoot them down. You can change your mind. And doing so keeps it clean and happy.

YES YOU CAN control your attitude. Attitude is habits of thoughts, and habits can be changed. Change your attitude by developing a larger perspective than the one you have now. Challenge yourself to see outside yourself, to celebrate a life other than your own. Deliberately raise your horizons and consciously grow less selfish. Changing your attitude is accomplished by being open to change, by welcoming diversity, by appreciating all people and by a willingness to learn from all experiences.

YES YOU CAN control your life. Victor Frankl wrote in Man‘s Search for Meaning, “Man is ultimately self-determining. Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment… Man is capable of changing the world for the better if possible, and of changing himself for the better if necessary.”

YES YOU CAN Take Charge of Your Life and be in control of many - perhaps most - personal elements of your life. NO YOU CANNOT control another and certain other things such as the weather.

Taking Positive Control

Have you ever considered that if others perceive you as being angry, or sad, or aloof, and you insist that you are not, then it is up to you to change the demeanor you are projecting. The more in control we are of ourselves, the less controlling we will be of others. Even though it may seem difficult we can learn to control or thoughts. It's all in predetermining what to think about and then periodically monitoring if we are on track.

Let everyone see that you are unselfish and considerate in all you do… Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about. Phil. 4:5-8 TLB 

Do your thoughts measure up? If the answer is “No”, then change your mind.

YES YOU CAN control your prejudices. Prejudice is defined as a preconceived opinion, usually unfavorable, unquestioned, unjustified and unreasonable bias or disregard of a person or thing The way to control it is to challenge your preconceived ideas. Challenge your assumptions. Do you want truth, or what you have been taught? Everyone is both flawed and fabulous. There may be a reason to dislike a person, but the package deal is not one of them (i.e. skin color, handicapping condition, financial status, job selection, nationality, creed, etc.)

YES YOU CAN control your bigotry. A bigot is defined as being narrow-minded, obstinate and intolerably devoted to his/her own beliefs, creed or party. Do not allow these to be fighting world in our present political arena. These are usually beliefs that have never been challenged, but passed down from one generation to another. Open your mind, and this is a do-it-yourself project, no one can give you a new perspective on life unless you are willing to receive it.

YES YOU CAN control your demeanor. If someone continually asks you, “Wha's wrong?” and you insist that “Nothing is wrong”, then one of two things is happening. 1) Something really is wrong and you are not honest enough to admit it, or, 2) nothing is wrong, but you have not alerted your face to this fact. If others perceive you as being angry, sad, aloof, etc., and you insist that you are not, then it is up to you to change the demeanor you are projecting. Having a pleasant expression is a choice.

FAST TRACT TO CHANGE. The biggest complaint is, “It is so hard. I don’t feel like I can change my attitude or _______ (you fill in the blank).” Emotions follow actions and thoughts, not the other way around. Change the way you think and act and you automatically change the way you feel. Switch the thinking from "It's so hard" to "It's not easy." That one simple switch gives the brain energy to do switch from assessing the problem as difficult.

FIRST, change your language. Instead of calling some an ugly name, or referring to them by a prejudiced or bigoted title, keep quiet. Bite your tongue if need be, but be silent. It is impossible to feel kindly toward someone if you are calling him a jerk.

SECOND, change your actions. Instead of pacing, sit down. Instead of flailing your arms, or making obscene gestures, put your hands in your pocket. Instead of yelling, speak in a whisper. The more extreme your negative reactions are now, the more extreme the initial softening measures are needed. It is easier to act yourself in to feeling differently, than it is in feeling yourself into acting differently. Feelings follow actions. Actions stir up feelings.

THIRD, change your thoughts. Instead of condemning someone for their rash behavior, realize you do not know what hurts – past or present – is driving this person to be so irresponsible.

Which leads us to number FOUR, which is automatic: feelings change as your develop compassion. Compassion is realizing the humanness of all human beings, yourself included. When you overreact, give yourself a break and get back in effective control of your life.

Need personal coaching to do so? Contact me. Mona Dunkin mona@solutionprinciples.com

Life and Relationships

No matter the venue, from home life, to the workforce, salesmanship, community involvement, government, law enforcement, or to breakthrough science like Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it is all about the state or quality of relating.

“We are motivated by love, controlled by it, inspired by it, healed by it and destroyed by it.

Each of life’s challenges is a lesson in some aspect of love.” Carolyn Myss

1. Choose to respect others, while earning respect from them.

2. The only person you can control is yourself. But do you? Things over which you have control includes your words, your attitudes, your facial expressions, your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your feelings, your schedule, what you spend, where you go, with whom you associate, how hard you are willing to work, how to interact with others, and how you take care of yourself. If you do not set the tone and pace of your life, then someone else will set it for you and you will feel put upon.

3. You are always influencing others, either positively or negatively. Be a positive influence by remaining pleasant, even in a difficult situation. Hold the person in high regard as a human being with infinite worth and value, even if you disagree with his/her ideas, attitudes, or behaviors. Find something good in each person and in every situation. See problems as solvable and as character building challenges.

4. Discover the door-way to communication. Your attitudes and behaviors create a door-way to you as well as away from you. If someone behaves according to your specifications, it equals an open door. If the person interacts (intentionally or unintentionally) against your specifications, your door closes – partially, all the way or can be locked and bolted. Set the pace as the relationship builder by choosing to adjust your style so the result is open communication, win/win relationships, and lessening or removal of tension.

5. Provide an inclusive, accepting environment that gives room to grow. The tension here is that acceptance does not mean approval. Many relationships are harmed by failure to accept the person as he is because of disapproval of how he thinks or behaves. Trying to make this person change results in resistance. As relationship is built, the other person is in a greater position to receive your insights.

6. You do not have to attend every argument to which you are invited. Choose your battles. It takes two to argue. You do not have to acknowledge or try to correct every comment, behavior, or attitude. Ignore as much bad behavior as possible and commend acceptable behavior. Accentuating the positive sets the environment to empower eliminating the negative. As Ann Landers says, “Just because a donkey brays, does not mean you have to acknowledge him.” But you do need to be kind to him.

7. Focus on the problem, not the personality. Don’t take comments or actions so personally.
What is more important, relationship or being right? Relationship or your opinion?

Can You Give It Fifteen Minutes?

Fifteen minutes might not be time to accomplish a lot, but fifteen minutes here and there adds up to great productivity. It’s the little things that count. Just as you can nickel-and-dime yourself broke, so you can second-and minute yourself unsuccessful.

Seconds are attached to minutes; minutes are attached to hours; hours are attached to years, years are attached to a lifetime; a lifetime is attached to eternity. Time matters. Make it count. Everyone is allotted 24 hours in a day. How you spend it is up to you.

Everyone is pressed for time. When I feel overwhelmed with a lot of projects and looming time constraints, I ask myself “Can you give it fifteen minutes?”

Fifteen Minute Organization – Question: How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time. The office, the files, the closet may seem totally out of control but can be organized into manageable bites in only fifteen minutes. Work for fifteen minutes on one section today, and another tomorrow, and another the next day, and “Walla”, the job is done – in your spare time.

Fifteen Minute Planning According to My-Time Organizing System, “for every minute you spend planning, you can save from four to ten times that amount of time in execution”. Wow, what a trade-off; organization for more time. Devote fifteen minutes every afternoon before leaving the office to plan the next days events. Make a list of scheduled appointments, determine what you need for each and do advance preparation. Make a written list of important projects.

Spend fifteen minutes at home, before retiring, so tomorrow will go smoother from the get-go. Decide what you will wear and have it front and center in the closet. Include shoes and accessories. Refill your brief case and have it, keys and purse, by the door ready to leave. Place errand items by the door or in the car (returns, laundry for cleaners, books to the library, etc.).

Fifteen Minute Reading – So much to read, so little time. Our world is filled with information overload. Allocate a few minutes daily to sort through reading materials; clip, label, and keep legitimate articles and recycle the rest. Break your reading down into reasonable time frames.

A tome like the Bible can be read through in one year by spending fifteen minutes a day. Let me show you how simple it is. There are 365 days in a year. Subtract 100 days off for all those unplanned reasons. The Bible contains 1,186 pages. Divide 1,186 pages into 265 days, gives you 4.48 pages a day, or fifteen minutes for mind and soul nourishment.

Fifteen Minute Refreshing – When you are too busy to take a break is when you need it most.
After a short respite you returned relaxed, refreshed, and with renewed creative ideas. The benefits far outweigh the small amount of time given.

Fifteen Minute Energizer – What is worse, the task or the dread? Dread and procrastination are energy wasters. It takes more energy to begin a task than to keep it going. Overcome the Law of Inertia by asking yourself, “Can you give it fifteen minutes?” This gentle nudge is often all that is needed to get the ball rolling.

All have been allotted 24 hours per day; how you spend it is up to you. Redeem the time by manageable fifteen-minute increments

A Case for Control

In our present world situation of unrest - economically, politically, morally and unprecedented destructive weather patterns - it seems that chaos has become the new normal. To avoid pandemonium in your life, consider the following suggestions for effective self-control.

Negative control focus: If you focus on what (or who) you cannot control, in reality, you put yourself out of control and into stress and chaos. People just will not listen and obey. They just will not mind us.

No one will change unless it is his idea including you). Turn the situation around. Accept what is and see how you can respond favorably and move forward. You do this by refusing to fight against things over which you have no control or to become obsessed by them. Allow your encounters with difficult people and hard circumstances to build gracious character qualities in you.

The discipline of self-control: You may not be able to keep a negative thought from ever entering your brain but you do have the power to control what you dwell on. You may not have absolute control over your emotions, but as you take effective control of how you respond, then the by-product is that your emotional reactions are within your control.

It is extremely important to know down deep in your knower that you can control what you think and how to act in response. And by default, you are getting effective control of your feelings. It is imperative to develop the discipline of taking responsibility for your thoughts, actions and feelings.

Control and choices: When things seem out of control it may be hard to remember that you always have choices. But you do. Always. You have the choice to stay or to go, to fight or to negotiate, to rage or to calm, to stress or to flow, to sass-back or to respond, to condemn or to accept, to belittle or to regard with esteem.

Clarification: acceptance does not mean surrender. Take time to consider your choices and do what is right.

Live in the present and make the most of life in every moment. Internal changes results in the ability to effectively influence changes in things outside your immediate control. Look for what is possible rather than stressing over that which cannot be changed. Evaluate what you can address and what is better left unmentioned. Assess your own economic situation and develop discipline. Grieve over losses and appreciate what you have left. Let the weather be the weather and adjust.

Practice Makes Permanent

Autopilot programs an airplane to steer according to a preset pattern. In much the same way our early training encoded us to certain ways of thinking and behaving.

If those patterns do not currently serve us, thinking about the process of acquisition or even understanding the mechanics does not turn the autopilot off. Thinking and understanding may help you see the possibilities for change and the freedom it would bring; but they only prolong the inevitable, which is action.

So what action is necessary?

Actually, the action is to practice.

It is to practice something counter-intuitive to today’s busy lifestyle. It’s a spiritual practice. It’s the spiritual practice of breathing.

One may protest. "Practice breathing!" "Surely you jest." "I breathe automatically."

Right. We unconsciously breathe like we are on – say - automatic pilot?

Consider: When you are anxious, do you hold your breath without realizing it? You are not even aware of it? Or so excitable that you hyperventilate?

How is your breathing during angry or fear or rushing? Is your oxygen intake shallow? Or do you fully engage the lungs and diaphragm?

The adage “practice makes perfect” is true only when we practice with pure intention. When we continue without meaning, purpose or aim - as in autopilot - we stay in the same ole rut.

Understanding does have its place – which is illumination – never for blame.

We are born into families whose beliefs, mannerisms and values were imposed on us. This is called conditioning. Right-on or off-target, good or not so good, nurturing or neglectful, their conditional climate set the atmosphere in which we were reared.

We learned family function/dysfunction dynamics. We learned what seems to work and what seems not to work – and in the process, we creatively formed our own function/dysfunction to join with or protest against. This is called adaptation.

We learned it so early and so completely that neurological pathways were ingrained in our brain to the point that we behave as though “that is just the way I am” and “I can’t help it.”

By default we pass on the same human condition. The contradictory condition of either following established patterns or rebelling against them or both/and.

Although your ancestors – immediate and far-flung (back to the fifth generation) – contributed to you being you, do you really have the right to blame them for your lack of happiness or success?

Although you have made your share of errors do you want your offspring blaming you for their lack of happiness or success?

Are we not each self-determining? Are we not a product of our free-will choices? Do we not have the ability to love anyway and still rise above?

“As a man thinks in his heart so is he” Jesus

Or so he becomes. To become who we were created to be is aided by focusing on our breath.

Huh? What?

We begin to realize that we do have some control over an otherwise natural function. Deliberate breathing is the practice of internal music and harmony.

It is the practice of hearing your soul’s still point wisdom. It’s the practice of honest meditation that transforms potential energy into actual energy.

It’s the spiritual practice that carries you emotionally back into the arms of God from whence we came. It is the practice of transformation into permanence. It is the proverbial caterpillar into becoming a butterfly.

Invite Mona to speak to your group. mona@monadunkin.com

Control: Internal vs. External

 

One meaning of control is “to have power over”. Regardless of our rank or position in life, the bottom line is: The only person over whom we have power of control is ourselves.

 

Regardless of our rank or position in life, no one can control you to make you do anything you do not wish to do.  We can cajole, threaten, humiliate, reward, bribe, punish or instigate other creative measures to control another, but if the upper hand is gained, it is only because he chose to give in to our request/demand.  If we are willing to accept the outcome, no one can make us do anything we do not wish to do. 

 

As the defiant lad said, “I may be sitting down on the outside but I am standing up on the inside!”  The action may have changed but not necessarily the attitude.

 

The lad was not controlled. The child chose to sit because to continue in his current action would bring pain. The child internally chose to externally control himself. The one issuing the mandate may mistakenly think he controlled the child.

 

And thus sets up the power struggle of the human condition.

 

When we push for control we make it about us. We overcome when we realize that the stressor is more about us than it is about him/her/them. That is not to discount that he is being a royal jerk! It is to become aware that the only person over whom we have control is me and, therefore, I do not have to respond in kind to his behavior, attitude or offense. 

 

Responding in kind is to give back in equivalent to what has been received.  Just because he has been rude, impatient and aggressive, does not mean that I get to be defensive, frustrated and antagonistic. The less we exercise personal control the more control we try to wield over others. 

 

Conversely, the more internal personal control we exercise – the more we choose to have power over our thoughts, our actions and our emotions – the less controlling we will be of others.

 

Everything that happens to you is self-created. Whenever you're responding to any

situation, whether it's a sip of coffee, or a traffic jam, or a love note, or criticism

from a boss, or rainy weather, you're in fact responding to a signal that you

generated within yourself.” -- Deepak Chopra

 

Once you buy into being aware and put personal responses into practice, you become empowered internally that influences externally. Control of self – your thoughts, your actions and your emotions - is a high form of power/control. Trying to control another backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive). When we give up controlling techniques we are in a greater position to influence the positive.   

Relationship and Communication

Language is a way of communicating and therefore is code for understanding. Our words convey information. Only the words used and the way in which the words are understood often do not match. This results in miscommunication and difficulty in the relationship.

Developing relationship means letting go of the things you cannot change. Maintain your sanity in the midst of relationship miscues by finding healthy alternatives.
When a non-response is seen as a choice of a person’s will, serious thought needs to be given to how you will respond. The hearing impairment may not be able to hear but there are things we can do to improve communication.

Likewise the child lost in play is not necessarily being disobedient or difficult. So also for the one involved in work, reading or even TV. Get his attention before speaking, form words distinctly, use a pleasant tone and do not disrespect his personhood. We are each self-determining and a lot of things vie for our time and attention.

Find the locus of control. You cannot change the behavior of another, only of yourself. The more you develop relationship with the non-compliant person, the greater your influence on him/her to want to change to please you. Continually ask, “Is what I am about to say or do going to draw us closer together or push us farther apart?” Change your approach. Look for solutions not faults.

There is a difference in asking someone to give up who she is for your preference and in asking that she acknowledge your position. If you cannot accept her point of view, please respect the person enough to refrain from ridicule or put-downs.
When things are seen as “Her fault”, then you think she needs to change.

If you see self as being right, the line is crossed into being the one who makes her change. When you demand someone change to please you, the line is crossed into controlling.

Bruised egos often fear their own value of being loveable. In self-protective defense they project suspicions onto the one they love. Fears are waylaid and healing comes through calm and open communication. Peace is regained through the realization that this independent individual with a multitude of choices is choosing relationship with you. Work on it.

Men and women see things differently and often take opposite routes to come to the same conclusion. The goal is for harmony in the long run. To be more objective, take yourself out of the middle. Listen to and respond to the words only and tease out presumed hidden agendas.

Sometimes we make our own complications and do not realize it. Stop looking for “what' or “something” or the fantasy life or the "but" in life. Responding with “that’s interesting” is a neutral, time-delaying, non-threatening response that does not destroy relationship.

P.S. Let us hear from you.

Need vs. Need

We all seek completeness, thus the age-old adage of “opposites attract.” Introvert and extravert are attracted to each other because they see fulfillment in their spouse. Only what attracts initially, can - over time - become the thing that irritates the most.

This frustration arises when one tries to bring the other around to his/her way of seeing, living and enjoying life. The dissatisfaction becomes: “Why can’t you be more like me?” “How can you be so insensitive?” “Why can’t you understand me?” “We can’t communicate.” “He/she doesn’t care!”

Unknowingly it becomes a control issue of trying to get the other person to change. Psychiatrist William Glasser suggests that it is difficult, if not impossible, to have a caring relationship with someone who wants to change or to control you or whom you want to change or to control. It’s a two-way street.

It is always need vs. need. Your need verses his/her need. Your need verses their need, with their being everyone else in the world with whom you interact, individually or collectively.

To prove our completeness, we need to fit in and get along with people important to us. We need to make our own decisions and feel good about the outcome. We need to feel important and to be appreciated for who we are and what we accomplish.
Here’s the rub: So does he/she and so do they, individually and collectively. These are deeply ingrained psychological needs. To disavow them leads to mental issues. And to relationship problems in the home and work force.

Your needs are best dealt with individually and being okay with who you are. This allows more wiggle room to adjust, negotiate and compromise with all those difficult people in your life. He is a people-person, you are a loner. She is gung-ho, you are laid back. They are party animals, you prefer conservative gatherings. He/she is energized by something that drains you. You need close companionship; she/he needs freedom for personal pursuits.

Each of those is okay. Determine where you may need to limit your interaction with those of opposite temperaments while giving them the freedom to be who they are. It is easier to be tolerant in small doses.

Determine where you may need to expand your interaction with those of like-mindedness and being okay with that. No one person can fulfill all your needs; that is why we need others. Make plans accordingly and always keep those dual needs in mind without trying to force, cajole or manipulate them around to your way.

The 20/80 Principle of Unequal Distributin

In 1906, Italian economist Vilfredo Praeto discovered an interesting concept that has become known as Praeto’s Law. He observed that twenty percent of Italy’s population accounted for eighty percent of the country’s wealth. From this he created a mathematical formula to describe predictable unequal distribution.

This 20/80 Principle can be a very effective management tool. Praeto’s Law states that 80% of results come from 20% of effort. Imagine that!

In other (more) words:

Twenty percent of - work, tasks, contacts, exertion, duties, responsibilities, phone calls, dealings, networking, goal setting, effort, struggles, meetings, undertakings

Produce eighty percent of – results, income, productivity, notoriety, wealth, accomplishment, meaning, importance, worth, significance

And it’s predictable.
· 20% of the committee members do 80% of the work
· 20% of employees account for 80% of the companies productivity

Think about your closet crammed full of clothing. Out of 100% of the garments you own, 20% of them will be worn 80% of the time.

The same is true of other accumulations both at work and at home. Of all the tools one has - garage or garden instruments, kitchen appliances – 20% of the items are employed to complete 80% of the chores. Of all of the bulging files and mounds of papers or magazines, 20% of the articles account for 80% of interest/relevance.
And it’s unbalanced.

Picture 100% of the above mentioned items. If (predictably) only 20% are used, by default what does the other 80% become? Clutter? Junk? Time wasters? Space takers? Dust collectors? Maybe it’s time to reduce, reuse, recycle.

It’s predictable. Check your own accounting. How are you unequally distributing your efforts? Here are suggestions for putting the biggest bang into your 20% of effort.

· “Do first things first.” Steven Covey
· Shorten work time by limiting tasks to the important
· Identify time wasters and eliminate, delegate or simplify
· Use one time management system only. Massage until it fits and stay with it.
· Review goals daily, weekly, monthly and adjust accordingly
· Keep running lists of “to do’s”, liberally mark off and cautiously add to
· Do it or dump it. Refuse to keep unfinished tasks in your energy field.
· Meditate. Spend time in the secret place and become wholly integrated.

How have you found the 20/80 principle predictable?

Please let me know anytime I can be of service to you or someone you know.

Making a Differencee, Having Fun (Part 1)

“The Tipping Point” author Malcolm Gladwell points out how little things can make a big difference and this difference can literally tip the scales in your favor. A lot of people make a difference, but lose having fun in the process.

When asked, “What do you do for fun?” I am often saddened by replies of: “I am too busy. I do not have time for fun.” The lack of fun indicates their stress level. It also portends currently or future mental and/or health problems.

Here are two points in my list of how to make a difference while retaining your humanity and having fun in the process.

Watch out for the “Savior” complex. Our basic need for purpose is fulfilled through work and service. Each individual is equipped with talents that will bless your corner of the world and is compelled to bring it into reality. Driven people strive to do as much as possible – accomplish a lot – at great cost to themselves and to their families. And lose fun in the process.

There is a big difference in being driven and having a calling. Called people joyfully do what is set before them and in keeping with their own gifts, talents, innate desires and available resources (including time).

Jesus said, “The poor you will always have with you.” He also said, “It is finished.” Oh, surely you jest! But there is still hungry people to feed, sick ones to heal, wars to end, and on and on. Jesus said, “I have accomplished what the Father gave me to do.” While Jesus, whom many believe to be the Savior, was in human form, he refused to take on “the savior complex”. Do you have task to do? Yes, most definitely. Just do what has been given to you and do not take on too much.

Carry the message, not the person. We are each self-determining. I teach Life Skills at a correction facility where the residents are forced to attend. A brooding man declared, “I don’t think you can fix my problems!”

I agreed with him. “You are right. I cannot. I am not the answer man. All I can do is give you information, what you do with it is entirely up to you. All I can do is help you to see things in a different light. You can ignore it. You can rebel against it. You can receive it and act upon it. I can ask you to change, but I will not demand that you change. My experience is that demanding adds fuel to rebellion. In my experience, demanding is less effective than asking and then giving you room to grow.”

If I give you information, I have added to your knowledge.
If I cause you to think, I have added to your stature.

Someone came to me so I could “fix him”. I replied, “Don’t hang your hopes on me.” It is my goal to help people grow through self-evaluation that brings internal change.

Because I carry the message and not the person, when the individual continues in his self-destructive ways, I am sad for him but I am not devastated. Also, when the person begins to change for the positive, I rejoice with her, but do not take the credit. I may have given the travel schedule, but the individual is the one who bought the ticket and got on the bus.

P.S. Don't forget to connect with me.

Acceptance vs. Approval

“You may love in all infirmities and even in spite of,
but love does not cease to will their removal.” C. S. Lewis



We as human beings are prone to attempt to control our environment, thus finding it difficult, if not impossible, to accept things as they are. The inability to accept self, others or circumstances is rooted in fear. Fear rejects. Allow these thoughts to give you the strength give a positive response to what life hands you.

Acceptance is not approval. Sometimes to understand what something is, it is necessary to start with what it is not. One does not have to approve of personal flaws in order to recognize another’s good qualities. In fact, acceptance of self – flaws and all - gives freedom to honestly evaluate positives to enhance and negatives to work on. Accepting one’s self gives liberty to receive others.

Acceptance is not complacency. To agree does not mean to put up with as though nothing can be done. It is to look at the locus of control. Whatever is within your sphere of control – i.e. self – then you have something to work on. Whatever is not within your realm of control – i.e. other people, time, the weather, world events, your team’s score – is not within your direct control.

Acceptance has its roots in faith and trust. Faith looks forward to the fulfillment of that which has not happened yet – as in a positive change in the individual. Trust rests in the end results. Trust is being true to your part of the bargain while allowing the outcome to just be, whether according to your dictates or not. To allow is to resist control.

Self-evaluation helps. The human condition tends to be judgmental over anything we are ignorant of, arrogant over, or non-compassionate for. Asking and answering difficult questions is a shortcut to self. Conquer your veto by honestly answering the questions, “Why do I not trust the outcome of this situation?” “By failing to accept, what are you trying to hide?” “Is it panic over losing control?” “Is it trepidation that s/he will become more difficult?” “Could it be lack of self-trust?” “Is it the fear of giving another permission to be himself?” “Is it because I see her actions reflecting badly on me?”

An inflated ego comes from a fragile place. Disapproval puts us in protective mode rather than openness to learn and grow. Your goal may be to get the individual to see another way of doing something. But the receiver perceives it much differently. Criticism is seen as a threat and threats must be countered. At a cellular level, he goes into protection mode. The individual may give in to your demands, but has learned nothing, as the mind is not in a frame of learning, growing and changing.

Choose to embrace the individual in spite of the disparity of beliefs. It is through acceptance of his humanity that opens doors to communication. God does not force the Ten Commands; he allows truth or consequences.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

Overcoming a Bad Mood

I am rarely in a bad mood. Unfortunately, I went there this past week. In reflection I see that things went downhill based on my mood. Small irritants normally overlooked became fuel for complaints. Instead of whispering a prayer for compassion, I leaned toward condemnation. Here is my thought process for reframing the situation.

I cannot read another person’s mind. No matter how much I may think I know where someone is coming from, or where she is going, the only thing I have to go on is the information given. I do not know his intentions nor do I know the hopeful outcome. Assumptions divide; it turns the issues into you against me (ass/u/me). And like the proverbial donkey, assuming makes one stubborn.

Choose to not take it personally. How we interpret an event is always within our control. Seeing the disagreement as a personal attack makes one defensive. As in football, to defend one’s position takes the form of offensive. In relationships, it is a mark of maturity to allow a point through to its intended goal.

Determine locus of control. The key is to work on what you can control. It is difficult if not impossible to respond civilly if you are mentally or verbally calling him a jerk. Choose to see the value in the offender. Choose to address the issue not attack her rotten personality.

Become emotionally honest. Do not use a negative situation as a means to deny reality. Get candid with you if you were passive rather than complain about the aggressive of another. Get impatient with you for trying to push your truth on a non-taker rather than degrading him. It takes stamina to deal with hurtles and to develop character through them.

Truth is, everything has a pro and a con. It is easy to become negative. It is unproblematic to see the worst in the situation, self and others. This sets one up as an unwitting victim rather than a victor. It takes courage to sort through the bad and find good. It takes honesty to face the difficult and overcome.

Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Have faith and trust God, you and others. Self pity is incapable of being comforted because it is its own satisfaction. Change comes through genuine sorrow over wrongs done, including the display of a judgmental attitude.


Let us hear from you. Please post comments or questions.

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Control: Compete or Compliment

Mankind has been given a wonderful, albeit dangerous, gift called free-will. With this free-will we make choices that self-determines outcome. To use personal control is within one's scope to compete (disconnect) or to compliment (connect) with others.


You cannot control another person’s actions. Not only can you not control another's actions, you cannot control how s/he thinks or feels. To project your thoughts and feelings onto another is to magnify your own frustration.

For every leader who steps forth and takes charge, there’s a behind-the-scenes person who needs to be shown what to do. To denigrate either is failure to appreciate their unique place in this universe. The follower is no less valuable than the leader; s/he just likes the shadows better.

The same is true with those who openly show emotions and those who are hesitant to connect. It does not mean their love is any less deep; it means their way of expression is more subdued.

Everyone is such a wonderful mix of personality traits, chemical make-up and genes combined with life experiences, education, age differences, skills, talents and opinions that it is a wonder any of us get along. Our interaction with others is hard-wiring as well as conscious choices. The personality who races through life like the hare can be an irritant to the individual who prods along like the turtle. And vice-versa. Yet both cross the finish line. Each gets the job done.

A line in the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi is, “Lord, may I seek to understand more than to be understood.” As we choose to honor another’s humanity, his differences become less stark. As we choose to appreciate another’s creativity, her disparity becomes less important.

The opposite is also true. As we choose to honor our unique gifting without one-upmanship or one-downmanship, we find our place in the universe. As we appreciate our quirky personality without sanction or denial, we understand how others relate to us. As we develop our own shadow side, we increase our tolerance. As we balance give and take, we grow in compassion.

To accept what is, is to live in the moment. To accept what is, is to be a problem solver rather than a complainer. To accept what is, is to give yourself choices in your response. You can keep the pressure on and destroy relationship. You can detach completely and dissolve the relationship. You can work with what is and modify your involvement. The less energy you spend on fixing another, the more you have for self-improvement.

Acceptance does not mean approval. Acceptance means the only person’s actions, thoughts or emotions you can control are your own.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Overcoming Co-Dependency

Co-dependency came to the forefront in 1979 when counselors began to notice a recurring problem in families after alcoholics became sober. The alcoholic became dependent upon alcohol and, in his/her self-absorption, became progressively less involved in family matters. The family, in their need for things to be “normal”, became dependent upon fixing the alcoholic. The survival techniques reinforced the alcoholic behavior. All members developed unhealthy ways of relating to each other.

Co-dependency is not limited to alcoholic families and is seen in any compulsive/addictive behavior such as workaholic, gambling, sexual behaviors, religious fanatics, overeating, spending addicts, thrill seekers, entertainment junkies, and those with an obsession for control.

Need vs. need. We need each other in healthy interdependent relationships. Because of our need to love and belong, it becomes easy to fall into an unhealthy co-dependent mode.

Dysfunction is spawn in a non-nurturing environment. So much energy is spent being the addict or in surviving the negative atmosphere, that very little mental and emotional energy is available to nurture self, the children, or to meet the needs of other family members.

All are driven to search for wholeness. In doing so doing unhealthy attachments may be formed and one loses her identity in the other person. It is needing others for self-worth. Co-dependency is expecting external factors to fulfill internal needs.

Co-dependency is trying to make others happy at the expense of your own well-being. One may contribute to another’s happiness; he cannot be another’s happiness. Each are self-determining and resent well-meaning intervention. The key to your well-being is in your hands. You have a responsibility to honor your peace of mind. In the process, you become a greater positive influence.

Need for control. Co-dependency is attempting to overcome insecurity by controlling people, events, and things. A child’s first job is to trust. When trust is not formed, he/she seeks to protect, rescue, fix, or take care of others to gain personal security. The behaviors are noble, but the hidden motive is to elicit praise and approval to prove one’s self-worth and value.

People pleasers. A toddler’s job is to conform to the rules of civilized life while developing healthy initiative to be his own person. Failure to find one’s true self is linked to the mistaken beliefs that love, acceptance, worth, security and success is dependent upon doing the right thing. Or being perfect.

Co-dependency is passed from one generation to another. The one with the need to fix, rescue, or take care of will be drawn to one who needs to be fixed, rescued, or taken care of. And visa versa. The result is two empty souls drawn to each other our of compulsive/addictive need, not love or choice. An empty woman drawn to an empty man produces a child from whom they draw love from rather than give nurture to. The child is expected to heal the relationship, but becomes depleted and empty. The empty child believes something is wrong with him or he would be loved.

All will stay empty and co-dependent except for adherence to the AA tenant of “I came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.”

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Coming to Terms with Discrepancy

We are complicated individuals filled with many contradictions. Anthony Robbins says we have a core need for certainty and uncertainty. And they operate both at the same time!

Our need for consistency wants everything to flow in the same predictable, secure, and comfortable routine. Even if that consistency is a rut.

Our need for variation craves risk, change, variety and challenges.

No wonder relationships are so complicated. It is difficult enough to come to terms with this yin/yang in us, let alone rectify it with spouse, parents, children, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
I believe it can be done. It takes work. And maturity.

Absolute truth vs. truisms. I believe there are some absolute truths. Absolute truth includes the law of gravity (within earth's atmosphere) and the rotation of the earth around the sun with a pattern of day/night and seasons. I suggest absolute principles include the Ten Commandments and that all human misery can be traced to the breaking of one or more of those directives.

Truisms are sayings that contain an element of truth that may be applied to a specific situation but not across the board. This would include “Look before you leap” book-ended by “He who hesitates is lost.” There is an element of reality in each. There are times immediate action is required without extended deliberation vs. times when analysis brings paralysis. The underlying truth in each is that decisions require the right amount of thought.

Happiness - external vs. internal. Although ultimate happiness is an internal-do-it-yourself-job, there are external contributors. Happiness includes relationship with people, primarily our family members. Dr. William Glasser says that human misery is the result of living under tyranny, abject poverty, debilitating sickness or the inability to get along well with those people that are important to us.

Others definitely contribute to our happiness but it is too much of a burden to place on anyone to make him/her responsible for our happiness. It is freeing to meld the truth that “I cannot make you happy” and “You cannot make me happy” with “I am happy to be with you” and “I am happy you are with me.”

Control – internal vs. external. Getting along well with people has a lot to do with locus of control. Namely, whose behavior can you control? Attempt to control another results in tension and unhappiness. The more we are in control of our own behavior - that includes thoughts we think and actions we take and emotions we exuded - the less controlling we will be of others.

Conversely, the less we are in control of our own thoughts, our actions and our emotions; the more one will attempt to control others. External control uses the “seven deadly habits of highly ineffective people” that are complaining, blaming, guilting, criticizing, nagging, threatening and punishing.

Relationship building - and happiness - comes through employing the “seven healthy habits of highly effective people” that are supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting and negotiating. The foundation of these habits is forgiving.

Consistency is found through personal contemplation and discipline.

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Moving On Down the Road

After forty years in the wilderness, Moses proclaimed “You have stayed around this mountain too long.” What wilderness have you been in far too long? How did you get stuck? Why did you stay stuck? More importantly, how can you get unstuck? Here are some insights and suggestions to aid you in moving on down the road to success.

How we get stuck: Our emotions hold memories we may not consciously be aware of. Life experiences write on the background of our mind and continue to play out in the everyday world. Our unawareness leads us to avow that everything is okay, when in reality, it is not. We are stuck.

Why We Stay Stuck: Following are some feelings that can hinder progress and affect our relationships, healing and success. Although I have chosen to look at the emotions separately, they rarely work independently.

Fear - Fear is a multifaceted emotion in both positive and negative to keep us in a locked in a familiar rut and stops life exploration. The fear of failure may equally be related to the fear of success. Acknowledge the fear and answer the door with faith. Faith looks forward to the unknown possibilities.

Anger – Anger is a secondary emotion after fear. Whereas fear stops us in our tracks, anger propels us forward, only often in hasty and ineffective actions. Anger is rooted in hurt over injustice or having been disavowed. Acknowledge the reality that you are a person of infinite worth and value with gifts and talents to offer and give yourself room to grow. Trust your dreams and insights. Through assertive behavior show yourself to be an individual of strength.

Guilt – True guilt is a fact that you have harmed another in some way, either thoughtlessly or deliberately. Acknowledge it, repent, apologize and make needed restitutions. This sets you free to move beyond the act. False guilt is the feeling that you have not lived up to expectations, either your own impossible standards or those of others. Accept your humanity. Try, fail, learn and try again.

Resentment – Resentment is disappointment taken to extreme. It is the most damaging of relationship emotions. Resentment leads to feeling things are pointless and teaches one to become helpless. Accept their humanity. Everyone in your life will disappoint you at one time or another. Respond with grace and mercy.

Getting Unstuck – Awareness is a key factor. Carry a small notebook with you and record every thought, feeling and reaction you want to let go of. Accept the emotion (rather than deny it) and make a deliberate decision to overcome.

Moving beyond – Dreams, goals and growth are marvelous motivators. In your notebook, make a section for appreciations, celebrations, thankfulness, positive interactions and successes. Purposely dwell on these. Personal development and peace is a work in progress.

Moving on down the road does not mean leaving mate/family or quitting the job. It means to get in touch with your authentic self so you can be the best you possible. In the process, the family and job situation will improve and no longer seem stale. As you lovingly and humbly accept and believe in you, you flow in positive influence of others.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”