Overcoming Co-Dependency

Co-dependency came to the forefront in 1979 when counselors began to notice a recurring problem in families after alcoholics became sober. The alcoholic became dependent upon alcohol and, in his/her self-absorption, became progressively less involved in family matters. The family, in their need for things to be “normal”, became dependent upon fixing the alcoholic. The survival techniques reinforced the alcoholic behavior. All members developed unhealthy ways of relating to each other.

Co-dependency is not limited to alcoholic families and is seen in any compulsive/addictive behavior such as workaholic, gambling, sexual behaviors, religious fanatics, overeating, spending addicts, thrill seekers, entertainment junkies, and those with an obsession for control.

Need vs. need. We need each other in healthy interdependent relationships. Because of our need to love and belong, it becomes easy to fall into an unhealthy co-dependent mode.

Dysfunction is spawn in a non-nurturing environment. So much energy is spent being the addict or in surviving the negative atmosphere, that very little mental and emotional energy is available to nurture self, the children, or to meet the needs of other family members.

All are driven to search for wholeness. In doing so doing unhealthy attachments may be formed and one loses her identity in the other person. It is needing others for self-worth. Co-dependency is expecting external factors to fulfill internal needs.

Co-dependency is trying to make others happy at the expense of your own well-being. One may contribute to another’s happiness; he cannot be another’s happiness. Each are self-determining and resent well-meaning intervention. The key to your well-being is in your hands. You have a responsibility to honor your peace of mind. In the process, you become a greater positive influence.

Need for control. Co-dependency is attempting to overcome insecurity by controlling people, events, and things. A child’s first job is to trust. When trust is not formed, he/she seeks to protect, rescue, fix, or take care of others to gain personal security. The behaviors are noble, but the hidden motive is to elicit praise and approval to prove one’s self-worth and value.

People pleasers. A toddler’s job is to conform to the rules of civilized life while developing healthy initiative to be his own person. Failure to find one’s true self is linked to the mistaken beliefs that love, acceptance, worth, security and success is dependent upon doing the right thing. Or being perfect.

Co-dependency is passed from one generation to another. The one with the need to fix, rescue, or take care of will be drawn to one who needs to be fixed, rescued, or taken care of. And visa versa. The result is two empty souls drawn to each other our of compulsive/addictive need, not love or choice. An empty woman drawn to an empty man produces a child from whom they draw love from rather than give nurture to. The child is expected to heal the relationship, but becomes depleted and empty. The empty child believes something is wrong with him or he would be loved.

All will stay empty and co-dependent except for adherence to the AA tenant of “I came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.”

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