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In this economy of lay-offs and role reversals, boundaries often become clouded. A working wife recently mentioned the frustration of needing downtime after a hectic workday and her house-husband's failure to honor that request. Here are some thoughts for being true to yourself.
Need vs. need. Trouble ensues in any relationship when prevailing attitudes are “my need is more important than your need.” We are needy individuals and it is okay to have your needs met. And they can be, in ways that are good for you and the relationship.
The value of appreciation. Anything that appreciates goes up in value. An authentic appreciation of your mate’s role in what he does lends itself to understanding and a willingness to negotiate. Having an appreciation of your contribution to the family can give you the confidence to firmly, yet kindly, set your boundaries of what you do or do not need.
Be a polite nag. Sometimes a person has good intentions yet fails to follow through. If your boundaries are not honored, speak up with a gentle reminder. Change occurs easiest when it is the person’s idea. Say something like, “Have you forgotten that you have agreed to allow me decompression space when I get home?”
Provided his response is civil, it may be necessary that you speak up again and again until he “gets it”. And graciously accept a slip and an apology. As Alan Alda says, "Be fair with another and stay after him until he is fair with you."
Find an adequate alternative. On the way home, stop by your favorite coffee shop for quiet time. Don your headphones and jogging suit and go to the park.
Delay is not denial. Perhaps your need to be self-nurtured outweighs your need to interact. Perhaps his need for companionship outweighs his need to respect your space. What about a switch-a-roo? Come home to a loving embrace and share a few moments of casual conversation – being genuinely concerned about each other’s day - then slip away for solitude.
It is my consensus that the most mature one in the relationship will make the most concessions. But never do so at the expense of you. Stuffing your irritation and later exploding is unfair to both of you. Make relationship more important than rights. When sacrifice is for the betterment of all, it transcends, and is no longer a sacrifice.
Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.
11/22/09
11/13/09
RESILIENCY
There has been a lot of press about studies from the Blue Zone; countries and townships where the inhabitants are healthy and live into the nineties and even one-hundreds. Contributing factors are diet, relationships, activity, spirituality and resiliency.
New Webster’s Dictionary defines resiliency as “Capable of resuming its shape or position after being subjected to stress. Capable of recovering rapidly, especially from an emotional shock. To spring back."
Life, lemons and lemonade. Sounds a lot like the adage, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” Resiliency is the ability to take negatives and make positives, and in the process, to become a stronger individual. Resiliency is the belief that life - all life -has meaning, and finding the courage to see significance beyond the pain.
Being a resilient person may not seem natural to the human condition. But it is something you can teach yourself. It begins with a decision. Let’s look at becoming a resilient person by making an acrostic.
R – Relationships Realize that each person (you included) has infinite worth and value as a human being created in God’s image, regardless of labels or circumstances. See relationship as more important than opinion. Being moral and upright in all your affairs.
E – Emend Emend comes from a Latin word meaning, “to take the fault out”. It is to stop placing blame and look at reality. It is to give up the stress of controlling another by taking (or leaving) him as he is, instead of manipulating him to your ideal.
S – Spirituality Seeing you as a human being, subject to death, but also as an eternal spirit, destined to live forever. To surrender to a higher purpose that brings ultimate meaning to life. To recognize we are spiritual beings on a human journey.
I – Insight See beyond the surface to deeper meaning. Ask tough questions and give honest answers. Get brutally honest with you.
L – Larder Have a storehouse of new information and skills from which to draw. Being curious about the universe and open to learning. Be willing to evaluate, test and to stretch yourself.
I – Interdependence Realize we live in community and need each other. Learn to set healthy boundaries for self and respect wishes of others. Take initiative and exercise control of your own thoughts, actions and behaviors.
E – Embrace To hold in one’s arms. To see life as a precious gift and look forward to the dawning of each new day. See change as a means for growth.
N – Natural Know who you are and being comfortable in your own skin. Develop your innate gifts and talents.
C– Creativity See with different eyes. Learn to bring beauty out of chaos, meaning out of pain, and purpose from troubling experiences. Finding humor in the tragic.
Y – Yield To resist too stringently is to break. Be flexible. Know when to concede. Yield is also to bring forth fruit, to be productive, to give birth to.
Resiliency is the suitable combination of optimism and realism. You cannot control the events of life, but by choosing what you dwell on, you can control how you respond.
We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”
New Webster’s Dictionary defines resiliency as “Capable of resuming its shape or position after being subjected to stress. Capable of recovering rapidly, especially from an emotional shock. To spring back."
Life, lemons and lemonade. Sounds a lot like the adage, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” Resiliency is the ability to take negatives and make positives, and in the process, to become a stronger individual. Resiliency is the belief that life - all life -has meaning, and finding the courage to see significance beyond the pain.
Being a resilient person may not seem natural to the human condition. But it is something you can teach yourself. It begins with a decision. Let’s look at becoming a resilient person by making an acrostic.
R – Relationships Realize that each person (you included) has infinite worth and value as a human being created in God’s image, regardless of labels or circumstances. See relationship as more important than opinion. Being moral and upright in all your affairs.
E – Emend Emend comes from a Latin word meaning, “to take the fault out”. It is to stop placing blame and look at reality. It is to give up the stress of controlling another by taking (or leaving) him as he is, instead of manipulating him to your ideal.
S – Spirituality Seeing you as a human being, subject to death, but also as an eternal spirit, destined to live forever. To surrender to a higher purpose that brings ultimate meaning to life. To recognize we are spiritual beings on a human journey.
I – Insight See beyond the surface to deeper meaning. Ask tough questions and give honest answers. Get brutally honest with you.
L – Larder Have a storehouse of new information and skills from which to draw. Being curious about the universe and open to learning. Be willing to evaluate, test and to stretch yourself.
I – Interdependence Realize we live in community and need each other. Learn to set healthy boundaries for self and respect wishes of others. Take initiative and exercise control of your own thoughts, actions and behaviors.
E – Embrace To hold in one’s arms. To see life as a precious gift and look forward to the dawning of each new day. See change as a means for growth.
N – Natural Know who you are and being comfortable in your own skin. Develop your innate gifts and talents.
C– Creativity See with different eyes. Learn to bring beauty out of chaos, meaning out of pain, and purpose from troubling experiences. Finding humor in the tragic.
Y – Yield To resist too stringently is to break. Be flexible. Know when to concede. Yield is also to bring forth fruit, to be productive, to give birth to.
Resiliency is the suitable combination of optimism and realism. You cannot control the events of life, but by choosing what you dwell on, you can control how you respond.
We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”
10/30/09
Fall Renewal
I love fall. Football games and frost in the air. Changing colors, festivals and cooler days. Even though it is preparation for winter, after a long hot summer, it is a great time for renewal. At the beginning of the year, goal setting is a big focus. As the year is winding down now is good time to review those commitments. It is not too late to make those dreams a reality. Here are some thought for the completion.
Continually re-evaluate. Maria Bartiromo is the voice of CNBC’s Closing Bell and a regular contributor to The Reader’s Digest. She says, “I constantly prioritize and reprioritize my daily schedule, which is broken into 10-minute intervals (emphasis mine). This exercise reminds me what’s important and what I still have left to do.”
Reprioritizes every ten minutes! That seems extreme to me. But then maybe I want to put a negative spin on those disciplines I am not willing to do. To make your 2009 goals a reality, first things must come first. Always.
Disturb the undisturbed. In January I mentioned my long-term strategy to de-clutter. I affixed markers that would indicate non-use, such as clothes hangers turned backward, safety pins attached to linens, post-it notes in files and duct tape reminders on select items. The goal was that if the marker was undisturbed after a set season, it indicated the item was no longer a viable space taker. I am boxing and pricing for an end-of-the month garage sale. What do you need to get rid of to free your energy field for productivity?
Be the best you possible. Within reason, go with you personal style. If your organization is piles of files, at least label and put in alphabetical ordered for easy retrieval. If you go for piles of piles, use decorative container as storage. Have a neat mess. A pleasant workspace pays great psychological dividends. When things are scattered it is messy; when in place it is neat and easily accessible that contributes to accomplishment.
Get emotionally honest. Are there things on your goals chart that you keep thinking about yet fail to do anything to bring it into fruition? And then you feel guilty about not doing it? There is true guilt and false guilt. True guilt is when you have harmed someone for your own selfish gain. False guilt is the failure to live up to expectations. Maybe it is time to determine what “I don’t intend to do” and remove the self-imposed drain.
Determine what you have done and feel good about it. In the fall of 2006 I lamented to my daughter of still unaccomplished yearly goals. She lovingly said, “But Mom, you really have done a lot.” And she was right. I had published my first book and was learning about Internet marketing. What a welcome relief that much had been completed and was acknowledged. With renewed vigor I embraced that winning feeling and preceded full steam ahead. Whether another notices or not, look at what all you really have done and embrace that feeling of accomplishment.
The holiday season is upon us: a time for family, friends and fun; a time to reflect on what is really important; a time to release old hurts and find humor in idiocy; a time of project completion and spiritual renewal. Enjoy.
We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.” Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. 30
Continually re-evaluate. Maria Bartiromo is the voice of CNBC’s Closing Bell and a regular contributor to The Reader’s Digest. She says, “I constantly prioritize and reprioritize my daily schedule, which is broken into 10-minute intervals (emphasis mine). This exercise reminds me what’s important and what I still have left to do.”
Reprioritizes every ten minutes! That seems extreme to me. But then maybe I want to put a negative spin on those disciplines I am not willing to do. To make your 2009 goals a reality, first things must come first. Always.
Disturb the undisturbed. In January I mentioned my long-term strategy to de-clutter. I affixed markers that would indicate non-use, such as clothes hangers turned backward, safety pins attached to linens, post-it notes in files and duct tape reminders on select items. The goal was that if the marker was undisturbed after a set season, it indicated the item was no longer a viable space taker. I am boxing and pricing for an end-of-the month garage sale. What do you need to get rid of to free your energy field for productivity?
Be the best you possible. Within reason, go with you personal style. If your organization is piles of files, at least label and put in alphabetical ordered for easy retrieval. If you go for piles of piles, use decorative container as storage. Have a neat mess. A pleasant workspace pays great psychological dividends. When things are scattered it is messy; when in place it is neat and easily accessible that contributes to accomplishment.
Get emotionally honest. Are there things on your goals chart that you keep thinking about yet fail to do anything to bring it into fruition? And then you feel guilty about not doing it? There is true guilt and false guilt. True guilt is when you have harmed someone for your own selfish gain. False guilt is the failure to live up to expectations. Maybe it is time to determine what “I don’t intend to do” and remove the self-imposed drain.
Determine what you have done and feel good about it. In the fall of 2006 I lamented to my daughter of still unaccomplished yearly goals. She lovingly said, “But Mom, you really have done a lot.” And she was right. I had published my first book and was learning about Internet marketing. What a welcome relief that much had been completed and was acknowledged. With renewed vigor I embraced that winning feeling and preceded full steam ahead. Whether another notices or not, look at what all you really have done and embrace that feeling of accomplishment.
The holiday season is upon us: a time for family, friends and fun; a time to reflect on what is really important; a time to release old hurts and find humor in idiocy; a time of project completion and spiritual renewal. Enjoy.
We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.” Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. 30
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