It's Just a Thought

You are going through your day when something triggers a stream of disagreeable thoughts – anger, resentment, lack, criticism, fear –or the thoughts as easily could be pining for reconciliation, preparing for an upcoming event, or taming a  huge to-do-list. 

How do you handle it?  Do you go to a dark place? Would you like to see things differently? Would you like to identify, re-frame, resolve, and smile as you go on your productive way?

More than likely, the critical thought is something you had pushed down, maybe in fear of not knowing what to do, or dread of how long I twill take, or to abandon completely. Your creative mind brings it back to your right now conscious thinking so you can be accountable.  Thoughts becomes negative and stress producing when discounted.  

What to do?    

Stop Immediately. Pause. Breath. Talk yourself down.  Beating yourself up does absolutely no good plus it compounds your stress. Gently acknowledge the thought.  Talk to the thoughts.  “Thank you for reminding me of this pressing issue.”  “I can handle this.” “I’ll take the high road.”  “I’ll do what I can to preserve this relationship.”

Know that your Creative Mind listens in on your self-talk and gently asks, “How can I help you with that?”  In that moment of pause, allow your brain chemist to organically drop calming chemicals into your system. Relax as you take pen and paper to jot down positive loving ideas as to what, when and how.  You just gave your creativity a task to decipher.   

“The faintest ink is better than the most retentive memory.” Mary Kay Ash

Get back to the business at hand while trusting and allowing your creative mind and wisdom heart to problem solve for you. 

Next time you think you have been misunderstood, violated, have a huge to-do-list – or whatever it is you want to fix - check and see if the sky has turned cloudy or the sun has stopped shinning.  If not, you will probably make it through this.  Do not allow yourself to fall down the Alice in Wonderland Rabbit Hole.  Lewis Carroll wrote, “She (Alice) generally gave herself very good advice (though she seldom followed it.)”

Give and follow your wisdom heart.  When those shoved down thoughts jettison you into the RIGHT NOW. give yourself another thought. A calmer thought.  A saner thought.  A healthier thought.

DON’T COPE. OVERCOME.  Think about these things. 

·      Give yourself room to grow
·       Take yourself out of the middle
·       Witness you from a balcony position – not to look down on, but to see all sides with more clarity
·       Be aware of negative identity thoughts and reframe – “I’m learning.” “I used to think that way.”
·       Know that you are enough - you are enough, you have enough, you do enough. Be okay with that.  
·       Find a way to be kind and accept regardless of rather than because of – as is, warts and all
·       Find an honorable way to release your ideal caricature expectation 
·       Respect without dismissing, ignoring, or trying to change another’s quirks
·       Be willing to make reasonable concessions
·       Develop communication skills of speaking your truth as well as listening to understand
·       Become aware how you may be demoralizing another to make yourself look good
·       Know that being “right” gains nothing and deepens the separation

Reprogramming the Stressed Mind

We think in pictures whether aware of it or not. Whatever is manifested in the mind, the body mechanisms go into effect to bring it into reality. For example, when you want to raise from a chair the brain takes that mind-picture and releases chemicals for the body to comply, thus muscles contract and energy is released to propel upward movement. 

The mind body connection. The mind does not know the difference from what is perceived and what is reality. The body adjusts to perception. Suppose you are frightened of tarantulas and some prankster throws one on you. After you scream, run or possibly recover from a faint, you discover the spider is rubber. Your body responded according to what your mind perceived.

Belief drives behavior. Behavior consists of the thoughts one thinks, the actions taken, the emotions felt and the way the body responds. These four components work in tandem and cannot be separated one from the other. When the conscious mind is continually engaged in fighting for one’s rights or in running away from circumstances, the body remains in a constant state of stress.

Take inventory of your negative beliefs.  Listen to your self-talk. If it is filled with statements such as "I can't" or "I don't have", or “I’m not worthy of”, then you have limiting beliefs that render stress in the body. Why is the body stressed? Because deep down inside the unconscious mind knows the reality of “You can”, “Resources are available to you” and “You have so much worth and value and are deserving of good things.”

Awareness does not change habits. Information enlightens but does not necessarily heal. It takes calm reflection for insights to sink in and take root, thereby blooming into peace and healthier relationships. Choose to sit quietly for a few minutes each day. Take in a deep breath and hold for three seconds, focus on sending the oxygen to the tense muscles. Slowly release your breath and feel the tension leaving your body.  Take in another deep life-giving breath and see it as the self-evident reality that you matter. Hold the breath for three seconds as an embrace of thanksgiving for your life. Slowly exhale through pursed lips and deliberately force out negative programming.

The mind cannot hold two opposing ideas at the same time. That is why arguing with you over pros and cons “drives you crazy”. You are not concluding but are going around and around in dizzying circles. Take inventory of your many abilities and resources. Deliberately focus on what abundance you do have. It is interesting how things change when you change.

For all your speaking and training needs, contact Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, 254-749-6594 

Assertive Living

Assertive living is to be positive, confident, and self-assured. It is to be forceful in a polite manner that shows respects for yourself and to others. To be assertive is learning to be firm, yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself; kindness shows respect for the other person. Here are some other characteristics of assertive living:

I can express my needs in a clear, non-demanding way. We all have needs and it is alright to have those needs met as long as they do not impinge on another’s needs. Assertive living is to use your words to tell or to ask, rather than assuming or demanding.

I can graciously receive a compliment without embarrassment or discounting it. The confidence and self-assurance of assertive living lets you know you are a person of worth and value and when someone commends an attribute, you humbly say “Thank you”.

I ask questions when I do not understand or the issue is not clear. It is back to using your words. To be assertive is to not fake it or try to slide by. It is having a genuine interest in the issue and to ask clarifying questions.

I am fair with others while seeing to it they are fair with me. It is respecting boundaries. It is being courteous and polite. It is graciously accepting a “No”. It is graciously saying “No” when it is in your own best interest.

I am not concerned with winning, but with equalizing the balance of power. It is realizing I am a person of worth and value and you are a person of worth and value. It is learning to create win-win situations. It is solving problems in a manner that is most beneficial and fair to all.

I understand others have a right to express their wants, needs, feelings, ideas and desires. Assertive living is not just standing up for yourself and your rights, it is also allowing someone to voice a differing view from yours and - even though you may disagree with the statement – continue to still hold the person in high regard.

I can enjoy the assertiveness of others without being intimidated. As the Chinese proverb states, “Behind an able man there are always other able men.”


ASSERTIVE PHRASES

“I cannot respond to that right now.” “I need more information.”
“I like...” “I don’t like....” “I need….”
“I need you to…..” “I need you to stop…”
“I feel…” “I choose to….” “I choose not to…”
“Thank you.” “No thank you.”

As A Seed Grows

Growth is a natural by-product of a seed being planted in harmony with nurturing elements. Some seeds are released only through harsh circumstances.

Ego is a seed shell of one’s identity held in place until circumstances breaks the hard outer covering so the internal nugget can emerge and grow from form into substance. Ego is designed to keep you the same while giving the illusion of change. Ego set point returns us to identity.

You make positive changes in your life and have a measure of success. A setback happens. In frustration you zombie out in front of the TV. You don’t even realize that you have just reinforced your set-point of only earning so much. Or the weight battle treadmill; lose, gain, lose, regain. All returns to ego identity set points.

So you stop. You gather information. You listen to other ideas. You go in another direction, change jobs or get a new mate. Like a thermostat set to kick-in or off to keep the room at a certain temperature, so too the ego holds on to a ‘set points’ to keep us from changing.

That is not “just the way you are”. That is the way the neural pathways of your brain have been laid down as your internal set-point. They were laid down through habit of thoughts and actions. Habits of thought formed mostly pre-conscious and pre-verbal. Before we could talk and before we thought about what we were agreeing to. The more these neural pathways are traversed - the more we think and act in an unaware state - the more ingrained they become.

Even when the habit road is rutty and rough and difficult, your habit thought says "you can’t" and your habit action stays lazy.

Your soul’s set point is not permanent. The spirit of soul is ever ready to change. That is why you know deep down in your knower that you are more than what you are currently being. Failure to thrive is not your soul’s set point; it is your ego’s set point.

Unless a seed dies it cannot bring forth fruit. When a seed dies – if it had conscious awareness – it would reject dying, put the brakes on and become devastated because it was falling apart. But the shell has to be removed before the interior nugget can root and grow.

Can your ego identity change? Sure. Your ego identity changes as you nurture it to identify with a new stage of development. That becomes your new set-point. And then you grow into another identity set-point. No matter how broken the body, the soul is never broken. There is a part of you that is always whole and complete.

A corrupted damaged seed will grow in cultivated soil. Accept your defeats with grace and self-compassion and begin again. Be your own master gardener and nurture your own soul.

Happy Changing. Mona Dunkin, Success Coach mona@monadunkin.com

Learning to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a line - visible or invisible - that defines and establishes identity. Boundaries (picture a fence) enclose and exclude to protect. Some invisible boundaries are beliefs, creeds, rules and regulations by which we order our lives. These bonds surround and define whether it be political, religious, military, civic, familial, gang or cult. This is who we are, what we believe, what we stand for and what we do. Without boundaries, you cease to exist. Here are some guidelines for setting personal boundaries.

Determine who you are. To establish who you are and who you want to become, clarify who you are not and what you will not allow. Examples: I am not a dumping ground or a punching bag. I do not like foul language so I will not use it or permit it in my presence. I am a person of value and will not be diminished, dismissed or disregarded. Controlling or allowing yourself to be controlled are equally destructive to a relationship.    

Speak up. Although being pro-active is preferred, in the learning stages post-active is okay. It is better late than never. Whether the issue is addressed pre, present or post, the other person may see it as nagging. That is irrelevant. Be confident that you are broaching the issue for the good of the whole. Yes, it will bring peace to you but know that it will also benefit others as they learn to become better citizens of family and society.

Be firm yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself and that your boundaries are not to be violated; kindness shows respect to the one being corrected. We teach people how to treat us. That they can dump or disregard and we will take it, or that we will not be treated in that manner. Until you become comfortable in speaking up, it may initially come off as hostile. Do not be put off by their off putting. Do not be intimidated and do not back down. As you become proficient in speaking up, your demeanor will be strongly soft and relationships will improve.

Change you; influence others. The only person we can change is us. Our changing greatly influences others. Human nature being the sheep-mentality that it is, most people respond in kind rather than being the initial change agent. I encourage you to be that influencing, initial change agent. Life is faithful to give us the lessons over and over until we either learn and the situation is relieved, or we learn and can stay sane and unstressed in the midst of the surrounding immaturity. Regardless, the limits we have set still hold whether they are respected in peace or in protest.

Picture it. Take a tip from professional athletes and see yourself making the shot before being on the court. In your mind re-live a boundary eroding incident and see you responding differently. See you specifically addressing an issue. Formulate the words needed that will clarify your position. Feel yourself being confident and politely forceful.

Learning to set personal boundaries may be intimidating but it is not difficult. Know that you are worth protecting and stand up for yourself. Work it, cause you’re worth it!

Brain Training for Pain Management

My sister is elated with her Pain Management classes and promising results from her chronic discomfort.

The teacher had the class to imagine cutting, smelling and tasting a lemon. My sister was delighted how real the feel, aroma and acidic tang seemed.

The teacher then had the students measure their pain.

She took them through a mind movie of visiting a pleasant and passive place for relaxation and enjoyment. Again they were to measure their pain. Once again my sister was delighted with the results.

She mentioned how nice it was but lamented that “it’s only temporary as you can’t do something like that all the time.”

Ah, contraire, dear sister and dear friends, it can become permanent. Here’s how:

1. The initial exercise was an adventurous trek into uncharted brain matter.

2. Each repeated mental work-out wears the path a little deeper.

3. Eventually the brain is trained to think that way.

Remember, practice makes permanent. So when you become aware you have wandered back onto an old highway of pain… at those junctures we have a choice. Slide back to the former habitual - although painful ways - or employ the newly discovered discipline to build inroads into the possible.

Your choice to living in possibilities consists of two essentials. One is the initial training and two is scheduled daily meditation. Daily. Same time. Same method. Same practice repetition. Those dedicated moments in the morning sets the pattern for your brain to follow the rest of the day.

As the mind is trained to pay attention to a possible interloper, you will find yourself growing in strength and resiliency. You will be able to handle challenges with grace and ease. You will become resourceful, creative and pain free.

In Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence, a Carmelite monk (1640) spoke of making himself spend time in quite reflection each morning. To his surprise, the previous mundane chore of peeling potatoes and washing dishes became a joy.

Life being what it is, there will be times when you just do not want to do it or you just do not feel like doing it. Since it’s all about the rest of the day, your conscious decision to mentally overcome your feelings comes into play.

That is when it’s “Niki Time”. Just. Do. It.

Do the math. Put too much distance between the lethargic mood and the solution and you have regret. Start the day in a good mood with an active pain reducing mode and have up to 18 hours to enjoy it.

Need trainer? Mona Dunkin leads individuals and companies to greater levels of success. Contact her at mona@solutionprinciples.com View training topics at www.monadunkin.com

Accidental Grace or Clumsiness

You have had times when life flows effortlessly. When all the pieces fit together? A plethora of events - including people and places - collide for accidental grace.

Or an accidental mishap? When something negative happens that we did not knowingly choose it is often labeled as an accident. It may seem to have ‘just happened’ but in truth all the conditions were met.

All accidents, happy or otherwise, are intentional.

Events are intentional even though we may loudly protest that we did not intend to… (fill in the blank).

And that is the crust of the problem. All accidents, positive or negative, are life displaying itself by design or default.

Can we set ourselves up to lean toward grace? To be accident-prone toward happy outcomes?

Yes! It’s called by a number of names like meditation, self-evaluation or living in the now. Life becomes more gracious when we live on purpose. When we let ourselves know that we are making the choice to do or not to do.

As in, choosing to drive distracted and thereby greatly increasing a wreck outcome. (Note: A wreck is a by-product of reckless driving – or living.)

Embrace the act of being aware of what you do and taking full responsible for the outcome of such action. And not just every now and then.

The proof is in the practice. Neuroscience says we can build new pathways in our brain that will reroute our thinking and become our new default position thus eliminating old habits of thought and action.

You can cultivate the habit of being fully present and mindful and engaged and happier. Practice until it becomes habit. Practice - like the habit of brushing your teeth – where you feel fuzzy until you meditate. Practice until a new supersonic highway bridge is built over the old reactive turbulence.

That is not to say that others are not contributors; but it is to acknowledge that you have no control over the part they play. It is to say that you will lean toward positive influence as you interact with clarity, grace and calm.

Every area of your life benefits – relationships, work, health – everything is enhanced through meditative self-evaluation and conscious decision making.

Go on. Not only is the proof in the practice but also practice makes permanent.

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. mona@monadunkin.com

Let the Light of You Shine

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond

measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”  -Marianne Williamson

 

We are complex individuals living in a complicated world.  Things are not as they first appear to be. For example, invisible atoms collectively make up everything in this universe. One of the deep scientific truths is that there is no empty space. What seems to be vacant space is filled with atoms. 

Another invisible yet power aspect is the aura surrounding each individual. Definite it as personality or characteristics, nonetheless there is a special air that precedes us. We draw to us - not what we want - but what we are.  Like draws to like. 

There is nothing to be gained by playing small. Humility has its place when not confused with a false modesty. The person who brags about what s/he does yet refuses to receive a compliment has confused meekness with arrogance. Humility is not thinking less of yourself; humility is thinking of yourself less. Humility is being true to you. 

 

So what prevents us from allowing our light to shine? When you think of speaking up for a principle or cause, what stops you?  When that promotion is imminent, what pushes you to put a ceiling on it?  When that relationship is flowing, what causes you to self-sabotage?

How would shining in all your glory threaten your comfort zone? Who would be upset if you shine? How would becoming who you are created to be upset the established family structure?  For whom would releasing your genius create insecurity?  

How does it serve you to stay small? Are you afraid of your own brilliance? 

Most are not afraid to shine unless they have been hurt or shamed for standing out and shining. How have your wings been clipped, either through reality or your own perception? Have you replaced another’s criticism with your own destructive self-talk?

Each individual is blessed with a wide spectrum of temperaments. The speedy hare may seem difficult a pokey turtle – yet each are being true to themselves. When a cat scurries up a tree is he showing off? Is a dog a wimp because he cannot climb?

For those of us who find it difficult to love ourselves, it becomes easier when we wake up to the truth about who we are. Light is released through living a truthful life. Understand you are a lovely and loveable individual, wart and all. Even imperfections, you are both fabulous and flawed. We are in “process” and – in reality - do not need to the approval of others to validate our worth. This is freedom indeed. Not the freedom to be obnoxious or stubborn, but the freedom to develop one’s shadow side. Speak the truth in love – to yourself (without condemnation) and to others (without accusation).

 

To walk in truth is to walk in perfect love, and if we walk in perfect love, then we do not walk in fear because perfect love cast out fear. 

When our lives shine of natural gifting and pure intention others will notice and be drawn to your light.  When in doubt, look inside; are you being less than truthful to you?  You have enough light for the step you are on. Keep growing. Keep shining. The world needs your light.

How to Think Objectively

“Everyone is partially right.” Ken Wilber, Philosopher

It is difficult to objectively observe attitudes and actions with which one identifies. Unfortunately, as long as we identify with the problem, we remain stuck. To identify with the problem is to develop a victim mentality of “I can’t help it; that’s just the way I am, bless God!”

Only, it does not bless God. I suggest it does not bless your co-workers or family members either. It probably does not even bless you.

The way to “help it” is to consciously become aware of the thoughts you think. Everything begins in the mind. Thoughts lead to the language used that drives emotions into actions. To give pause and see your thoughts and actions from a detached vantage point – even with a lean toward knowing your intentions - allows your self-observation will be more objective.

Negativity sets one up to see self as a loser and others as being against you. Nether is accurate. Separate action from personhood. See the event as an isolated happening; as in “I made a foolish remark” rather than “I am a fool.” This allows you to be gracious to yourself – maybe even to see some humor – and the recovery is much quicker.

Rather than proclaiming another as “judgmental”, narrow the scope to “she seems to have a limited viewpoint on politics.” Agree to disagree while holding the dissenting voice in high regard as a person of interest – not to be suspect of but someone you might be able to learn from.

All we bring to the table at any given moment is our collected past experiences. And none of us perceive issues the same way. Keeping an open mind does not mean you are wrong. An open mind lends to objectivity; to be able to walk around the issue and view from all sides.

Objectivity asks what needs to be added to current info; what needs to be jettisoned; what needs to be kept. Appreciate the incompleteness of your information and approach learning with a fun sense of curiosity. Appreciate the viewpoint of another, either as a point of humor or a need for compassion.

Be aware of hot topics and shy away until you can respond to stimuli rather than reacting. Think of consequences and aim for those that are for the good of the whole rather than to prove a point. In the long run, what does it matter who is right?

Riding a bicycle (or walking a tight wire), one needs to continually move forward, to adjust position and monitor speed. Rather than quantify any experiences as worst or best, put a monetary value to it. Instead of “This is the best Mexican food I have ever eaten,” be more objective and rate it as a 10. There may be several Mexican restaurants in the ten category while each remains unique.

If everyone is partially right, does that also mean everyone is partially wrong? Including self? When we have problems with others it is a good idea to do some self-reflection and consider how our flaws might be making the situation worse; how is our attitude playing a part in the drama.

It is only by accepting something that we can handle it. Objectively.