Resolving Conflict

In a word, the reason for conflict is differences. Differences attract. Differences compliment.
Differences help retain identity. Differences lead to disagreement. Conflict is to “strike together” from the Latin words con (together) plus fliere (to strike). Some matches are “strike anywhere” and others strike only on a certain surface. Use these thoughts to narrow your strike zone.

Determine your real objective. Is it domination or win/win. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to not win?” When winning does not mean that someone has to lose, life becomes a co-creative process of “you and me” rather than “you or me”; it is both/and rather than either/or.

Ascertain what may be clouding your vision? We cannot see clearly when controlled by preconceptions and emotions. The greater the emotion in the disagreement over differences, the wider the difference gap becomes. When focused intently on your needs, not only is the other’s needs dismissed but also his humanity is diminished.

There is a difference in an answer and a come back. It is not so much the words as the delivery. As the giver, adjust your attitude. Evaluate if you are responding or reacting? Chose your words carefully, watch your facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. As the receiver, adjust your attitude. Listen to the words only and filter out attitudes and perceived hidden agendas.

Be willing to accept compromise for the good of the whole. What is more important, being right or relationship? Do not be offensive or defensive. Recognize there are multiple nuances and develop options.

Evaluate outcomes of winning, losing and compromising. What is at stake? For you? For him? What have you really won? What have you really lost? You can win a battle and still lose the war. You can win the issue and still lose a relationship. Is it really worth it? Will it matter next week? Next year?

Clarify communications. Have I effectively communicated? Have I painted understandable word pictures? Has my position been received? Have I listened to his/her side with an open mind? Have I acknowledged his/her input? If you think communication is all talking, you haven’t been listening.

Explore commitment. What else do I need to do to work out this situation? How much do you appreciate his work to resolve the issue? How much do you value the individual? How deeply do you appreciate her job? Is this issue totally incompatible?

There are two constants in life: change and conflict. I suggest the more adept we are at changing the less we will engage in conflict.

Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach of Solution Principles, specializes in maximum people development. Contact Mona at mdunkin@flash.net Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com