Building Families of Strength

I originally entitled this article Strong Families. While writing, I began to see that being strong is an end product, the result of something well-built; the robustness and durability of something nurtured and cared for.

Strength implies potential. Building indicates an ongoing, continuous process that could include remodeling if necessary. Having a solid foundation on which to fall and rebuild upon. Being supportive; not necessarily agreeing with actions but always accepting the individual.

Families of strength are team players. A universal concept of team is a number of people working together on a common task for the good of the whole.

The word origin of team, originally spelled teem, is English meaning offspring. A team is a number of related animals or people (related by working or playing together), and to teem means to be full to overflowing, as with children in a house.” Readers Digest, Family Word Finder

A team participates in giving and receiving. They appreciate differences, enjoy each others company and have fun together.

Families of strength have a faith foundation. They acknowledge a power outside themselves greater than present circumstance that gives purpose to their existence. They play together, work together, worship together, pray together, laugh together, cry together and become involved in helping others.

Families of strength are consistent. There may be rare exceptions, but rules apply across the board, evenly for everyone. The atmosphere of the home is accepting and learning. Disruptions are dealt with in a mature manner. They disagree, get mad, and move past the hurt.

“Our house changed. Our neighborhood changed. I went to a new school. But nothing important really changed…. Though we moved a lot, our essential life stayed the same. Regardless of where we lived, Mom sat by me at night listening to Dick and Jane stories… home and my sense of my family and my place in it were always the same. Mother and Daddy saw to that.”

Naomi Griffith, Red Clay and Vinegar

Families of strength develop open and honest communication. There are no hidden agendas and truth is told even if it hurts or puts self in a bad light. Families of strength listen for understanding rather than to prematurely jump to conclusions and pass undue judgment.

Communication begins at birth with a parent differentiating a hungry cry from an in-pain-cry and continues for a lifetime. Communication is expressed through more than words; tone of voice, facial expressions, body stance and manner of dress speaks volumes.

Families of strength understand that pain is a part of life. Their lives are not disrupted by upheavals. Painful situations are accepted and dealt with. They embrace it as an opportunity on which to learn. Problems are viewed as a challenge in which to grow individually and to grow together corporately.

Suffering is inevitable; transcend it by not being surprised when it happens. Like the Phoenix, families of strength rise from shattered foundations. They adapt. Families of strength overcome with the unit intact.

Families of strength build history together. Successes and failures are uniquely influential in building character. Become aware of the strength of your own family. Notice how well-built it is. Appreciate its robustness and durability as you continue to nurture and care. Embrace the love. 　

For success coaching, counsel or speaking engagements, contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com

The Beauty of Spring Time and Love

Winter is passing and the promise of spring is showing in small ways. It is enough to give hope that we can soon dig into flowerbeds and plant gardens and see new life budding forth.

The same is true of love; it ebbs and flows even in the most sturdy of relationships.

There is purpose in day and night and seasons and years; their continuation – the same yet ever changing – speaks life messages to those attuned to hear. January ended with Auld Lang Syne – to choose to forgive and move past. Choose to let bygones be bygones - while simultaneously choosing to value the personhood of the individual.

February celebrates love. Know this – sweetheart or no sweetheart - you are loved.

Some people are not so easy to love. Some people – although easy to love – are not so easy to get along with. God is love. In love God created you and I in his image. Every child, regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception, is brought into being from a source of pure love. This infinite, unadulterated love becomes distorted when exposed to our toxic world and tainted relationships.

Perhaps we long for love like what is pictured in Victorian Valentines or Elizabeth Browning poetry. We all have quality-world pictures in our mind that we try to bring into real-life focus. The human heart beats the same whether in the 1st Century or the 21st Century, before or beyond. We really do all face the same issues, just in different flavors.

What if all things really do work together for good? Could it be that the difficult person – you or me – acts out unconsciously to demand the emotional love and nurturing of which we feel deprived? We can easily miss love if we are pre-occupied by responsibilities or activities or a seeming lack of appreciation. We cannot make the sun rise; but we can be awake to experience it. We cannot make seeds grow, but we can plant and nurture. We can choose to be awake to express it and to be open to receive even those clumsy small tokens of gratitude.

Take a moment to assign a number to each infraction from one to ten; with one being an irritation and ten being a crisis. You may find that - once you analyze the stack attack – then the ordinary-day-to-day stressors have less impact than you think. Example: The frustration you assigned to your mate may be a ten, and upon reflection of over-all value of the relationship, reduce the time-attention-demands to an easier to handle five.

Don't Cope. Overcome. You are loved completely by God. Embrace the love that has surrounded you from the moment of your conception. Love yourself and one another as a unique child of the same Father who loves us all. Whether we avoid the downfall initially or whether we overcome, it is all "Thanks be to God." It is as simple – and as difficult – as that.

Need a speaker? Contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com. You’ll be glad you did?

How to Handle Parenting Guilt

How do you handle parenting guilt? I must admit that is a pretty ambitious title. I must also admit I do not have the answer, only suggestions. Here they are.

Q: “I am in school plus I work. I love being with my two children and we have a great relationship. When I put them to bed and I need to go study, I feel so guilty because I cannot snuggle with them until they go to sleep. They cry when I leave the room. What can I do?”

A: You sound like a very caring mom who enjoys her children and spends quality time with them. I understand your pull between two important duties of parenting and school work. A key phrase for your guilt is in your comment, “until they go to sleep”. Although you put a child to bed, he must learn to put himself to sleep. Establish a loving ritual at bedtime to set a tranquil transition atmosphere. This can include a warm bath, light snack, teeth brushing, favorite story, goodnight prayers, snuggle time, tuck in kisses and assurance of your love and presence - even from the next room. Help the child feel secure by embracing a special toy. Set a safe and cozy atmosphere by turning on a faint nightlight and perhaps soft music.

Don’t Cope, Overcome. Understand that parenting guilt is par for the course.

Q: Although we are a two-parent family, my husband spends most of his time in his selfish endeavors and leaves the child rearing to me. When I go to work early, my daughter begs me to stay. She does not like her daddy getting her dressed or fixing her hair. What should I do?

A: Gloria Steinman observed that most families have too much mother and too little father. Unfortunately, the mother is often a procurator of this situation by failing to encourage dad to participate or by being too critical of his ways.

I appreciate your concern over the child’s issues and encourage you not to allow her crying to be a control tactic. Children are sensitive to unexpressed expectations and want to please. When your daughter knows (through words and senses) that Dad is a welcomed co-partner in parenting, she will warm up to it.

Your needing space to the idea of co-parenting is not the same as being against it. Talk with your mate about misgivings and listen. Do not become defensive when the other is being honest. Be vigilant against neglect while understanding conflicting emotions and attitudes. Set firm schedules with a leeway for legitimate exceptions; give and take space as needed. Together all of you will enjoy the family bond.

Parenting is a tough job and very rewarding. Hang in there.

Communicating Appreciation

A concerned parent asked, “How do I get my child to say ‘Thank you’ without prompting? Here are some thoughts.

Model a leadership role. Manners are more caught than taught. Be diligent in verbalizing thanks to others for acts of kindness, large or small. As you create an optimal environment of appreciation – at home as well as in social settings – the child is going to mimic you.

Give time time. It takes an incubation period, but at the end of the day, children are mirrors reflecting you. In YOU Raising Your Child, Drs. Oz and Roizen pronounce parents as the most powerful messenger in a child’s life from day one and that the communication “may involve no words at all.”

Robert B. Sloan, Jr., former President of Baylor University and father of seven, calls it the “lunch pail principle”. If you plan to be a good parent, then bring your lunch pail, for it is an all day affair.

Observe and comment. As a young mother I watched our daughter’s childish response to an impromptu gift given to her. She received the beautifully wrapped box with wide-eyed wonder. She issued “aahs” and “oohs” while un-wrapping it, but did not utter “thanks”.

As she removed the object from its container, she said, “I have always wanted one of these.”

Still no magic words.

The giver was obviously receptive to the child’s joy. It took great patience for me to observe without prompting.

As Melinda rewrapped the gift and returned it to its treasure chest she said, “Well, all I know to say is, ‘Thanks’.

I breathed a sigh of relief and learned a valuable lesson. A smile can imply “thank you” before words are formulated. To anxious parents I preempt their prodding by acknowledging the child’s unspoken communication. You can do that too.

Be gracious and give grace. In reflection, what is more gracious, an instant canned reply or a delayed genuine response? Extending training and patience is more a test of the parents own character than that of the child.

Parenting skills do pay off. Enjoy your child as you learn and teach each other.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Corporate Trainer, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Discipline vs. Punishment

In correcting another, the overarching goal is for mutual respect and improved citizenship. Unfortunately the manner in which it is carried out often prevents this noble endeavor from taking place. Always check your intentions; is it to control another or to practice and to teach self-control. When the objective is for cooperation and healthy relationship, the correction will be administered impartially in a detached and neutral manner. It will be goal directed, not emotion driven.

Discipline is carried out in a caring manner with intent of character development of the child. Discipline sets a positive, creative learning environment by teaching the logical consequences of actions. Discipline is instruction by example that behavior results in outcome. Discipline aids in the child learning internal control. Discipline is the belief that outcome is an effective teacher. “Life is more pleasant when you listen and obey.”

Examples: A child who refuses to put his toys away may have the item put up for a few days to teach responsibility. If a child will not eat her dinner, she may be allowed to go to bed hungry to teach her healthy eating habits and to respect the family mealtime schedule.

Discipline teaches:
· A choice has been made
· Actions have consequences
· Child is responsible for his actions
· Internal control... self-discipline, respect for authority, to be neat, to listen and obey, etc.

Punishment carries with it an undertone of harshness and external control. Punishment reflects the parent’s displeasure of the child having done something that he/she considers to be wrong. Punishment is the belief that pain is an effective teacher. Punishment is rarely seen as being connected to the inappropriate act but as the parent’s angry response to a perceived wrongdoing. “You better do exactly as I say or there is anger and pain.”

Punishment teaches:
· Disconnect between actions and consequences
· Fear and resentment of authority
· To deny, manipulate, lie and cover up wrongs so as not to “get caught”, thus avoiding pain
· External control… the biggest bully rules

Disciplining another starts with self-discipline. Care enough about the future that you choose to take action today. Encourage positive behavior. Set routines like chores, mealtime and bedtime so the child knows what to expect. Gently remind of the rules and give room for compliance. Even though correction must be made, use a pleasant tone and always say something nice to the child.

Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach of Solution Principles, specializes in maximum people development. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com

Rules and Rebellion

A dad was frustrated over his stepson’s refusal to take out the trash. He saw it as a personal affront and it became a no-win situation. Here are a few tips on balanced parent/teen rules and rebellion.

1. It’s all about relationship. Think back to where your relationship began to unravel. Ask yourself some tough questions and be honest with the answers. How have I contributed to the breach? Do I demand? What is my tone of voice? When the task is completed, do I say “Thank you” or do I withhold my appreciation as a form of punishment.

2. Respect is more an attitude than a behavior. Make amends and move forward with a new attitude. Respect is denoted through tone of voice more than words used. Do not be put off by the teens off-putting. “Treat others the way you want to be treated” still works.

3. Pass it on. The parent must help the teen to grow into a responsible adult. Often we expect them to become responsible individuals without training. Realize it is a good thing for the child to break away and form his own independence.

4. Training is more caught than taught. Training is to “stimulate the appetite for.” It is show and tell. Give guidelines, state reasonable expectations and do gentle follow-up. Do not excuse your faults while accusing his. Excusing you sounds like, “ I can’t help it, that is just the way I am!” Accusing sounds like, “Why don’t you…” or “If only you would…”

5. There is no par for the course. Do not keep score. Through force or manipulation, you may “make” the person perform the task. That is not winning, it is bullying. It may be a quick fix in that the chore is done, but the relationship is compromised and the rebellion in both parties is strengthened.

6. Keep things in perspective. Do not see the trash not being taken out as an act of rebellion. It may be juvenile irresponsibility. You can be so right you are wrong. You did everything right from whose perspective? Your perspective may be too shortsighted. The power behind self-evaluation is a healthy dose of self-doubt. Am I being critical? Do I have an attitude? Am I willing to see another point of view? How much grace am I giving? Does it need to be my way or my way? Even if you are right, right is all you get to be. You do not get to be superior.

7. This too shall pass. The fact remains that you cannot change another. Set an environment in which he is willing to change. Do not wallow in frustration. Feel the pain and move on. Instead of seeing it as something to drive you crazy, see it as a humorous quirk.

As the relationship between the dad and stepson improved, they went to ballgames and shared fun times. The kid took out the trash most of the time. If not, dad gently reminded him.

Overcoming the Empty Nest Syndrome

Family is the backbone of civilization and is always in transit. The gift of children not only enriches our lives, they also consume our energy, time and resources. And what a void there is when they go out on their own. Here are some thoughts on fulfilling the emptiness.

Appreciate and let go. Rather than bemoan the inevitable of the child growing up and living independently, acknowledge that the relationship has taken on a new and exciting dimension. Your role becomes more friend, advisor and confident. Embrace his adult maturity and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Plan ahead. You had nine months to get ready for the birth, now put preparation into the pending transition into interdependent adulthood. Give yourself something to look forward to. Be proactive by scoping out new activities and become involved. Check out going back to school, to work or commit to volunteering. Continuing your education or complete your degree. Do not engage is self-pity or self-imposed abandonment. Become a vital part of the community; group activities are a good antidote to isolation.

No shrines allowed. Welcome your newfound freedom with all its promised opportunities. Turn the extra room into a home office, hobby room or exercise parlor. Home will still be home whether the room is intact or not. I remember the wise advice of our daughter in my dilemma over redoing her room; “Mom, when I say I miss home, I mean you, not this floor plan.”

Reconnect as a couple. The marriage bond is a permanent contract and needs constant renewal. Travel to discover new lands, local or faraway, and rediscover the adventure of relationship building. Spend leisure time over morning coffee and discuss local events. Make it a point to develop an interest in your mate’s activities and become a supporter. Reflect together on the pleasures and problems of the wonder years; see how each brought you closer as a couple/family.

Begin those “someday I’ll’s”. The time has come to complete those one-of-these-days- promises. Redecorate the living room. Organize closets. Become a Master Gardener. Put your life accumulation of photos in order and scrapbook. Write the family history. Everyone has a book inside them so begin your novel.

Get involved in the community. Redirect your need to nurture into volunteer work. Fulfill your need to connect by becoming involved with church, AARP, political interests or social clubs. Reconnect with family and friends.

Walk it off. Get physically active - this is good not only for physical health, but also for your mental health, plus it is a great stress reliever. Movement keeps you limber for getting on the floor with your future grandchildren.

Change your perspective. Instead of seeing yourself as being put out to pasture, embrace your life accomplishments and revel in a job well done. Know that you will always be an important part of your children’s lives.

Being an involved parent in the formative years is vital. Good parents work themselves out of a job. Relax, appreciate and learn to be your own best friend.

Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach of f Solution Principles, specializes in maximum people development. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Common Sense Parenting

Parenting is one of the greatest fulfillment of life and also the most challenging. Someone rightly said, “Children are such a good way to start people.” But, sometimes we expect these little people to be, and know, and act like an adult. We often expect our children to be something that we, their parents, are not willing to be - things like patient, kind, mannerly, and honest. Here are a few common sense thoughts on parenting that makes childrearing a joy.

1. Survive and Thrive. To survive, children need air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat and protection from harm. To thrive, they need love. The Apostle Paul admonished the older women to teach the younger women to love their children. (Titus 2:3-4) This seems to indicate that love does not come naturally but must be learned. Oh sure, most parents love their children, but they find it hard to “like” them; and that is exactly what Paul meant. To love means, “to be kindly disposed toward.” In other words, learn not only to love but also to like and enjoy being with your children.

2. Acceptance does not mean approval. In learning to like your children, you must accept them as they are! You may not approve of your child’s laziness, but accept him in spite of this character trait and teach him responsibility. You do not approve of your child’s disobedience, but accept him in this weakness and teach him to obey. A child needs to be acknowledged as a person. Show common courtesy to your children; introduce them to friends and acquaintances rather than ignoring their presence.

Children need to make choices so they can learn to reason. Be careful that the choices are not too overwhelming. Do not ask your child, “What do you want to wear today?” Give two alternatives, say, “Do you prefer to wear this outfit or this outfit?” Allow them to help make simple family decisions such as the choice of the restaurant when dining out.

Include your child as an important family member. This sounds so simple, yet it is often overlooked. I know a couple that purchased a house and were ready to move and the children were totally unaware they were moving until the big day arrived. When a major decision has been reached, at least let the children know what is going on so they will feel like a necessary part of your lives.

3. Children need to be useful. Often it is easier to do a task for a child instead of taking the time to help him learn, but this is damaging to his self-esteem and produces a lazy, dependent person. Remember that children are children and are not as proficient at chores as you are, but trial and error is an effective way to learn. Resist the temptation to redo the child’s effort, at least in the presence of the child. When our daughter was learning to make her bed, it was hard for me not to go behind her and smooth out the wrinkles and straighten the lop-sided spread. Instead, I would praise her effort and overlook the imperfections.

Those times it was too sloppy to overlook, I would straighten it while saying to her, “When you are a little taller you will be able to reach the middle of the bed better, and smooth out these lumps.” Or, “When you are a little bigger you will have stronger muscles to pull the spread”. Using the term when projects to the child that it just a matter of time until he/she will be able to perform the task as well as you. With loving guidance, she learned to make the bed beautifully.

4. Children need to be trusted. Set moral standards before them, teach them honesty and responsibility and then trust them. Of course, this does not mean they are turned loose on their own without monitoring. Children need to voice their opinions; to speak for themselves as to what their feelings are. Children need time alone just to think. In other words, children’s needs are much the same as yours.

HELPING TROUBLED YOUTH

I often receive heartbreaking letters from caregivers needing help with troubled youth. This is my reply and suggestions:

“My heart goes out to both you and to the child. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I cannot imagine how difficult it is and has been for you. I appreciate your willingness to be his advocate; he needs someone in his corner. In addition to therapy and the doctor's regiment, I would suggest the following:

“Build relationship. Relationship is about the quality way in which each of you relates with/to the other. Anger and disappointment get in the way of relationship. Unrealistic expectations get in the way of relationship. Relationship is about acceptance of the totality of the person - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. Please note, acceptance does not mean approval, it simply means I accept you as you are. Out of this uncomplicated acceptance you can build a mutually satisfactory relationship. We are all flawed individuals. Humility is one flawed individual willing to receive correction from another flawed individual. It is through acceptance of flawed humanity (ours and theirs) that we are in a position to heal our wounds and positively influence healing in others.

“Limit over-expectations. If a person has a broken leg, is he expected to run a marathon? Have there been individuals with crippled legs that run marathons? Yes, either haltingly or in wheelchairs, but they are few and far between. We applaud those of such outstanding feats and are willing to give grace to a handicapped runner. If you were the crippled runner would you want grace? All handicapped in one way or another and some more than others. Gently train by receiving grace for your weaknesses and giving grace to those without your mental or physical abilities.

“Make order. Order does not mean perfection or a military-type regimen. Order means not complicated, not messy, not wasting a lot of time. Order is honestly assessing your time, resources and abilities and not taking on more than you can accomplish. Order is setting realistic goals for you and your child so neither one is disappointed. Order is not taking on more than you can reasonably manage. Order is not demanding of the child more than he is reasonably capable of accomplishing. Order sets you free. Order is planning and scheduling and following through and having a feeling of accomplishment. Order allows you to set a healthy, relaxing daily routine and discover how much control you have gained over your life. Go to my blog www.monadunkin.blogspot.com and click on the articles under organization for additional help in establishing order. I will in the next few days do an article on ADHD helps and will post previous articles on effective study skills.

“Learn to be assertive. Assertive is taking care of you so you can help take care of others. It is knowing that you cannot give out of an empty basket so, as the airlines instruct, "put on your own oxygen mask before helping a child of crippled person." Assertive is not doing for another what he/she is capable of doing for himself. Assertive is standing up for your own legitimate rights and not being lost in the hassles of life. Assertive is setting healthy boundaries and firmly, yet kindly, enforcing them. Assertive is asking for change without demanding change. Assertive is not making excuses for you or him, but honestly facing the issues straight on, with courage and dignity. Assertive is truth or consequences. Assertive is graciously receiving the rewards of your own truth or humbly suffering the consequences of your own untruth. It is maturely allowing another to suffer the consequences of his wrong actions and supportively acknowledging and encouraging his participation in his own truth.


“Know who you can control. The bottom line is, the only person over whom you have control is you. You can threaten another, manipulate, coerce, reward or punish - all of which are ineffective long-term and are relationship destroying. As you take effective control of the thoughts you think, the words you say, the tone of voice you use, the expressions on your face, the actions you make, the way you behave, the choices you engage in, the places you go, the company you keep, the way you spend your money, etc., etc., etc., then the greater the positive influence you have on others. And, it is relationship building. Nothing influences like a good example. Being the good example puts you in a position to encourage the same in your child and to set limits when it is disobeyed. To demand and not example, is to be a “talking head” with negative results. See blog, Ask, Don’t Tell.

“Make quiet time. It is imperative. The answers are within and are discovered through contemplation. In quietness your soul can hear the still small voice of conscience. In quietness you are attuned to truth. Through honest reflection you become aware of strengths and weaknesses. Getting honest about weakness conquers egotism, fear and ignorance and paves the way for teamwork. Being candid about strength enlightens, energizes and promotes cooperation. It is through quiet contemplation that potential energy is transformed into enthusiastic force. As you realize your spiritual purpose you are refreshed and enlivened.

“You can purchase my book, Creating Value, an intangible in a tangible world, which gives invaluable help in building relationship. Chapter four is entitled Receiving the Gift of Yourself and Chapter five is Developing Yourself and Others. Send $15.00 and I will send one to you. Mona Dunkin, P O Box 774, Elm Mott, TX 76640.

“In addition to my book, Creating Value, purchased through me, I recommend Dr. William Glasser's book Unhappy Teenagers and what Parents/Grandparents Can Do About It. You can buy Dr. Glasser's books at Barnes and Nobles. I send out a monthly motivational e-letter and have added you to the list.

“Using the concepts of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory, I do individual sessions. I charge $65.00 per session and would love to work with you or your grandson.

“As God brings you to my mind, I will whisper your names in prayer.”