Boost Your Brain Power

Regardless of age, a frequent complaint is the inability to remember names, events or where things are located. Use the following suggestions to improve your thinking skills.

Step it up. The body and mind is interconnected. To increase brainpower, increase the oxygen level through improved use of your body. Engage your body in different activities as a springboard to get your mind unto a new frame of reference for thinking. Walk a little faster. Stretch. Exercise. Get the blood flowing to stimulate thinking.

Water, water, everywhere. We are a nation that is drink obsessed and hydration depleted. At a recent holistic conference, Bill Yeary stated that 75% of Americans have chronic dehydration and this fact alone is a major contributor to pain and disease. The first thing he does in giving body assessments is to test for proper hydration by simply putting pressure on the hand to see how quickly color returns. Most participants were dehydrated despite the tables being strewn with coffee cups and soda cans. To improve overall health – mentally and physically - daily drink 8 ounces of undiluted water for every 20 pounds of body weight.

Learn new things. Exposure to fresh experiences and information forces the brain to make new connections. Read challenging material outside your familiar genre. Take up knitting, carpentry or paint a picture.

Do mental gymnastics. To develop mental acuity, take a familiar sequence and mix it up, add to or take away. Recite the alphabet backwards. List the birth order of family members from oldest to youngest. This exercise allows you to relate to each item individually while also seeing them as a whole. Play word games and work puzzles. A good online source is www.sharpbrains.com.

Love and laugh. Love, giving and receiving, is healing. Laughter is a tonic for whatever ails. Love deeply and laugh often. Make relationship more important than mental sharpness by bestowing and accepting compassion for memory slips.

Meditate. To meditate is to think deeply by mulling over in search of profound insights. In the hustle of life, we lose touch with the wonderful being we are. Our emotions and senses become overloaded thus thwarting free-flowing thoughts. The letting go through contemplation releases you from the fear of health issues, estrangement, aging and death. Reflection frees you to live one-day-at-a time and to find humor in the absurd.

Even the youngest and the healthiest have occasional lapse of memory. Be patient with yourself and do not berate those “senior moments” as a personality flaw. Accept them as an occasional reality, reconnect and get back in the game of life.

For all your speaking and training needs, contact Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach monadunkin@gmail.com www.monadunkin.com.”

Reprogramming the Stressed Mind

We think in pictures whether aware of it or not. Whatever is manifested in the mind, the body mechanisms go into effect to bring it into reality. For example, when you want to raise from a chair the brain takes that mind-picture and releases chemicals for the body to comply, thus muscles contract and energy is released to propel upward movement. 

The mind body connection. The mind does not know the difference from what is perceived and what is reality. The body adjusts to perception. Suppose you are frightened of tarantulas and some prankster throws one on you. After you scream, run or possibly recover from a faint, you discover the spider is rubber. Your body responded according to what your mind perceived.

Belief drives behavior. Behavior consists of the thoughts one thinks, the actions taken, the emotions felt and the way the body responds. These four components work in tandem and cannot be separated one from the other. When the conscious mind is continually engaged in fighting for one’s rights or in running away from circumstances, the body remains in a constant state of stress.

Take inventory of your negative beliefs.  Listen to your self-talk. If it is filled with statements such as "I can't" or "I don't have", or “I’m not worthy of”, then you have limiting beliefs that render stress in the body. Why is the body stressed? Because deep down inside the unconscious mind knows the reality of “You can”, “Resources are available to you” and “You have so much worth and value and are deserving of good things.”

Awareness does not change habits. Information enlightens but does not necessarily heal. It takes calm reflection for insights to sink in and take root, thereby blooming into peace and healthier relationships. Choose to sit quietly for a few minutes each day. Take in a deep breath and hold for three seconds, focus on sending the oxygen to the tense muscles. Slowly release your breath and feel the tension leaving your body.  Take in another deep life-giving breath and see it as the self-evident reality that you matter. Hold the breath for three seconds as an embrace of thanksgiving for your life. Slowly exhale through pursed lips and deliberately force out negative programming.

The mind cannot hold two opposing ideas at the same time. That is why arguing with you over pros and cons “drives you crazy”. You are not concluding but are going around and around in dizzying circles. Take inventory of your many abilities and resources. Deliberately focus on what abundance you do have. It is interesting how things change when you change.

For all your speaking and training needs, contact Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, 254-749-6594 

Eight Ways to Improve Your Life

Little things mean a lot. In striving to achieve the bigger goal, do not lose sight of today. Go ahead and vie for the corner office, get a college degree, design and build the new home or establish your own company. Here are a few thoughts while doing and getting that will aid in the vital role of being.

Smile Research shows it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, thus is less wrinkle producing. Smiling gives your face a pleasant expression, aids in stress reduction, cultivates acceptance and makes others wonder what you are up to.

Walk it off. Whether it’s fat, fatigue or frustration a walk works wonders. The philosopher Kirkegaard said, “There is no problem in the world so great that it cannot be solved by a brisk walk.”

Family dinner time. At least once a week make it a priority to sit at the table as a family to eat a meal without interruptions from anything technical. Tune in to each other and share positive experiences. Research shows that families who share one meal a day on a consistent basis become aware of eating disorders, substance abuses and behavioral manners before they become major problems.

Read a book. Reading takes you to worlds otherwise inaccessible, allows you to go on adventures only imagined, and introduces you to people, cultures and customs. Reading merely one book a year places you in an elite percent of the world’s population.

Have a weekly no-tech day - including e-mails, i-pods and cell phones. Connect with the music of singing birds, rustling wind and the sound of human voices. Allow your mind to think without mechanical noise vying for your attention. Get in touch with your inner self by disconnecting from the world wide web.

See pictures in the clouds. Get in touch with your inner child and set your imagination free by gazing into the sky and finding wonderful objects. Use your creativity. It is a great way to connect with your children or to converse with a stranger.

Become a positive parent. Be a good finder and commend the child’s correct behaviors. Give specific praise such as “I appreciate the way you shared with Jamie”, rather than the blanket statement of “You’re a good boy.” Specific praise rewards appropriate behavior that sets the child up for repeat positive actions.

Volunteer. A basic human need is to be needed. Expand your horizons by stepping outside your comfort zone and reaching out to others. It is a given that you will receive more than you give.

At the end of life’s journey the haunting question is “Did my life matter?” By regularly incorporating the above suggestions for improvement, the answer displaces the question.

Emotional Health

Emotions, can you trust them?

Emotions are fleeting, fickle and often false. Emotions are based on perception. Whether or not we can trust our emotions has to do with our emotional health. Prolonged invalidation, rejection, criticism and angry responses wear on one’s emotional health, making it raw and hyper-sensitive. Here are a few suggestions to promote emotional healing.

Take a stand. Use “I” statements and speak only from your perspective or to address your personal need. When a person expresses her choices, insights or feelings, it is the individual speaking and the matter can be settled.

Be emotionally honest. When true feelings are pushed aside, unresolved issues take over and seize a club to set matters straight. If another does not approve of your choice, so be it; do not feel guilty or anxious. Summons the courage to stay your ground and allow him to remain in his mood while you go on about your business. Stick to your boundaries and do not make an issue of the opposition. It is not your job to get the dissenter out of a snit; that is a task every individual must do for herself.

Recognize your own issues. Do not isolate or bottle up. Do not allow yourself to be sucked into another’s problems. Although we can work in partnership, still each must hoe his own row in life.

Respond, rather than react. The rawer the emotions, the quicker to judge response as negative. Reacting is negative. Dynamite must have a ‘reactor’ for it to go off, and the shorter the fuse, the quicker the explosion. Reacting is taking comments as a personal affront. Reacting is belittling the offender. It takes emotional health to respond rather than react. Responding is seeing the situation at face value. Responding is choosing to regard the offender as a person of worth and value. Responding paves the way for resolution.

Self-Evaluate. Several times during the day, stop and evaluate your actions, thoughts and feelings. Reel in assumptions. Quit regarding others as jerks. Stop the judgments and criticism. As you become aware how you are feeding your negative emotions, you become equipped to conquer them.

Plan ahead. Life is faithful to give us do-oers. As you honestly evaluate that you reacted negatively to a person’s disrespect, picture the event happening again with you responding in a more positive light. Sports figures see themselves succeeding before ever going onto the playing field. See yourself being calm, pleasant and respectful before going into the arena.

DON'T COPE - OVERCOME: Rather than being driven by your emotions and later regretting the direction in which they took you, learn to control your emotions and later feel good over your responses. Being in charge of your emotions is so empowering. Healthy emotions go hand-in-hand with happiness and satisfying relationships.

Calm. Collected. Cheerful.

Dreams, Goals and Our 'Quality World' Pictures

Our ‘Quality World Pictures’ was coined by Psychiatrist William Glasser to represent people, places, things and beliefs that we unknowingly isolate from our all-we-know-world. These things are selected and separated because they add value to our life in some measure. We isolated them as desiring to make them a part of our everyday life. Although they are pictures in our head, we devote our time and attention into developing them into reality.

In non-Reality-Therapy-Choice-Theory-language, I suppose dreams could be seen as the same thing as quality world pictures. We can have both Quality World pictures as well as dreams, yet not be aware of either. We may think it is ‘common sense’ to want this or that or to not want this or that.

Before we proceed further, I need you to know that my definition of ‘common sense’ is those things we bought into pre-conscious and pre-verbal. It is those things we were born into and automatically accepted without question. Those commonalities became our worldview of life and by default became our ‘everybody’s-like-that’ position. We pre-judged that ‘them and their’ were like ‘me and mine’; not necessarily in an ugly prejudicial way but in a limited understanding of differences in individuals, families, tribes, cultures and nations.

And that is where conflict comes in. The real world – people, places, things and beliefs that really exists - tries to educate us. Wake us up. Broaden our perspectives.

Dr. Glasser said, "We control the world for need."

What? I like to put it in a think-about-pattern -- "We control _______ for ______."

EXAMPLES:
We control co-workers for cooperation.
We control the horn for faster traffic flow.
We control our anger for getting our way.
We control being lovey-dovey for getting our way.

(Note the last two control tactics are different approaches with the same end result in mind. Each can be legitimate or a false front, depending on the emotion behind the drive.)

We (attempt) to control ... others or situations or the weather, or traffic or the government or what-have-you... in an attempt to get a need met whether it is our belonging need or our power need or our fun need or…
You get the picture.

But here is the conundrum (riddle). Until we learn Choice Theory, we may be ineffectively attempting to get a need met –even one we don't yet know we have - using pictures we don't know we are trying to develop. Our needs, as well as our ways of securing them, are illusive. We search for pleasure or success following the 'common sense lie'.

How we gather these Quality World pictures is multi-dimensional and lasts a lifetime. Perhaps from old TV shows like Ozzie and Harriett we extrapolate a picture of a happy, healthy marriage.

If I think money will make me happy, then money is a major picture in my quality world even though it may look like a big house or a fancy car or beautiful clothes that I inadvertently adopted as wanting and associated those “things” with money.

If I think love will make me happy then I look for an unspecific person – probably one with money - especially if the people I currently associate with do not make me "feel" loved.

And that is another 'common sense' lie. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Or ‘feel’ unloved or anything else. Feelings come from thoughts.

When we think unloving thoughts, we feel sad, depressed, angry, etc. Conversely, when we think loving thoughts, even if they are neutral – “maybe I misunderstood” – then our feelings do not hijack us as easily.

We may be in a family where we are loved very much but if their love is not shown to us in agreement with our illusive Quality World picture of what love looks like, then to us they do not love us.

And so the search goes on in another person, another job, a newer house, prettier clothes, whatever is just beyond our grasp but looks like it is the all-encompassing thing.

Newborns have the five basic needs as well as adults do. A baby knows when something is askew - hungry tummy, dirty diaper, cold or lonely - and he has no idea how to have this 'feeling' satisfied. So he cries. He makes noise. Mom shows up and offers comfort and baby is satisfied. Over time, the baby unknowingly places mom in his QW as the comforter, the food vendor, the problem solver, or as the what-ever-I-need fixer.

Maybe those pre-verbal picture labels contributes to mother's frustrations when the kid is fifteen and continually hollers "MOM!" Rather than lovingly responding, she may yell, “Get it yourself!”

This is how our Quality World pictures are collected, grow and distort.

And here is a rub with our selection of Quality World pictures. We isolate our Quality World pictures as having value to us that will add meaning, whether it is something we embrace or something we wish to fight against.

Oh, dear, such a tangled web. No wonder it is difficult to know our selves.

As an Instructor with the William Glasser Institute, I teach a not-so-common-sense worldview approach to effective living that brings peace and success in every area of life. Interested? Give me a shout out - monadunkin@gmail.com

Effective Leadership

To advance your career it is important to learn new skills. You cannot have quality service without trained and motivated people. Leadership is blending the tough and tender sides to take people and the business to new heights. Leadership is balancing the demanding and the caring.

Know Yourself. Effective leaders know their innate talents, strengths and weaknesses. They capitalize on strengths while encouraging growth in others. They work on their weaknesses while offsetting the disparity with co-workers who excel in that area. They pursue personal growth; address fears head on, eliminate negative emotions and continually set forward goals.

Establish trust through relationship. Correction fears or evaluation dreads disappear as you develop relationship. Everyone wants constructive input from a friend.

Provide a learning atmosphere. Learn and improve by holding ‘group think’ sessions. My definition of synergy is “all of us are smarter than any of us.” Put egos aside. Allow each person to give positive points as well as improvement points. Brain storm together to determine effective communication, customer service, or whatever the issue may be.

Handle losses with grace and maturity. Everybody has difficulties; it is how you handle them that set you apart from the pack.

Grade on the curve. Give the benefit of the doubt while holding to accountability.

“What” verses “Why”. Asking “Why” comes off as accusing and encourages excuses and arouses negative emotions. Looking at “What” promotes accountability and problem solving. “Why” looks at the here and now; “What” looks at the present and future.

Play “What If”. Not for doom and gloom and do not get bogged down in worst case scenarios, but evaluate the possible outcome and what fail safes need to be put in place.

Assign tasks and accountability. Name a specific individual to a specific task. Giving general directions such as “someone needs to ..” leads to no follow through because of lack of delegation. When ambiguous orders are given, staff assumes another will do the task and your problems are compounded by personality conflicts.

Assess if your message is getting through. According to Management Resources, a person’s body language indicates confusion. A confused person will do one of the following six things: 1) Avoid eye contact; 2) Tilt their head; 3) Squint the eyes; 4) Close their mouth and keep it closed; 5) Lower their eye brows; 6) Cross their arms and/or legs.

Take Action. The best laid plan will never work without action. Use the 48-hour rule. The longer the delay in starting a project, increases the waning of enthusiasm for solving issues and the more the problems are compound. Set project deadlines as well as incremental action steps for accomplishment.

Baby steps are okay as long as you are going in the right direction. Several small leaps prepares you for the big jump when it comes.

Overcome Being Overwhelmed

Overcome being overwhelmed by recognizing the pattern. This pattern includes exaggerated thinking – “I have a million things to do” – confused emotions – “I’m so stupid” – relentless mind chatter and physical sensations of fatigue, frustration and fear.

Knowing that you want a change is easier than knowing what to do. We are intelligent beings. We are also emotional beings. When overwhelming emotions take over, thinking takes a holiday.

The secret to keeping our total behavior of thinking, doing, emoting and physiology is found in breathing. Slow. Deep. Purposeful. Deliberately. Allow incoming oxygen to calm the passion and send blood flow to the brain to re-engage rational thinking.

Think rationally about your to-do-list. Yes, several things demand your attention but it is nowhere near a million.

Gracious thinking about your self-esteem. You may have made a less than stellar choice, but you are not stupid.

Conscious, focused breathing calms the body’s systems to respond humanely. Use it for you to lessen opposition. Gently give it to your perceived adversaries. Without fanfare, allow him to take a minute to calm down. Do not demand answers.

In heightened emotions, we do not have answers anyway; we only have rationalizations that cloud rather than clarify. Or defenses that destroys rather than build.

The higher your energy level the more efficient your body – your total behavior. Focus helps you to prioritize your choices to pursue and to eliminate.

We become overwhelmed when we take things personally – as though we are the savior of the world – and it’s all about us to do or die.

We overcome when we come to terms that the stress from the situation is more about our own thinking than it is about the actual tasks at hand. That is not to discount the responsibilities of work and home and community involvements. It is to say that trying to do – or think about and plan for – at the same time is humanly impossible. It is too confusing; mind-boggling,

Go for excellence by doing the best you can do while in a state of calm learning. Let go of the paralyzing, stressing idea of perfectionism.

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Once you buy into being aware and put the awareness into practice, you become empowered - which is the highest form of power/control there is - internal rather than external; control of self rather than control of others.  When we are in control mode, our forced control over the others backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive). When we give up control techniques we are in a much greater position to influence the offender to the positive.   

Effective Planning

“You can never rise above your calendar.”  Ed Eudis

Nothing worthwhile is accomplished without planning. Because an occasionally wish comes true, one may erroneously think a goal has been set and attained. Here are strategies to move you beyond hoping and wishing to a plan with results.

Plan to plan and to keep on planning.  Schedule in time for planning and evaluation.  The more time one spends in planning means less time spent in execution.  Without a plan to continue planning,  new problems may go unnoticed until many hours of execution time has been spent.

Prepare a mission statement.  Determine the primary purpose and the ways to get there. 
    * Strategic planning = vision casting, big picture, overall scope of project, enthusiasm
    * Operational planning = who, what, when, where, cost, time line, means of evaluation

Determine where you are now. 

•  who and what do we have within the organization?
• are the right people at the top to accomplish our goals?
• do we have complete knowledge of the mission? 
• do we have complete knowledge of our capabilities?  of my team’s capabilities? 
• are we set up to receive constant feedback and open communication?
• who and what do we need from outside the organization?
• whose advice do we need to seek?  who has done this before us?
• what trends are developing?  where is the market going?
• what needs should be addressed now?  What needs may arise in the future?
• who are we serving now and in the future?
• what needs are we meeting now or will need to meet in the future? 
• what are our short, mid, and long-term steps (goals)?
• who is responsible for what area (chain of command)?
• how do we make our objectives known to those above us, those below us, the public?
• what will be our expenses and source of funding/income?
• how will we determine ways to assess staying on target?

Prioritize.  Priorities are those things that come first in importance and take precedence over the little two minute jobs that seem so important. They are those things that bring the most results and personal satisfaction when completed or engaged in.

Plan and schedule.  It takes both to get results.  Remember, planning is the “what” you need or want to do to make your life meaningful and effective. Scheduling is the “when” you will do the things you have planned.

Use effective planning to make all your dreams come true.

Follow Up to Follow Through

Do you think you rush to find and answer your phone because it rings? Actually, you answer the phone because you want to connect with the person on the other end. Everyone likes to hear from a friend. Make all your clients and prospects friends and get over call reluctance.

Here are a few suggestions for growing your business.

1. That’s great, now do it again. It takes a while to grow your business. When your efforts produce smaller results than expected, instead of becoming discouraged, say to yourself, “That was great. Now get out there and do it again.” As you do it again and again, results grow in direct proportion to your growth.

2. Make melody even if you can’t sing. Mary Kay Ash says everyone has a sign around his neck that says, “Make me feel important.” What better way to make someone feel important than by using his/her name. Hearing your own name is music to your ears.

3. Have an agenda of “I want to connect with you.” It is all about relationship. As you develop relationship with clients and potential clients, future calls are not to be dreaded, but embraced. After all, who does not like to hear from a friend.

4. Rekindle the lost art of snail mail. A hand written note speaks volumes, and a postcard works great. E-mails are okay, but a hand-written note is even more special because it is considered heartfelt. A hand written note is so rare, that the receiver will a) feel extra important, b) tell others or display it on a bulletin board, and c) remember you. Through the written word, though absent, you speak.

5. Rise above perceived rejection. As you follow up, some will say “yes” and some will say “no”. So what? “No” is not fatal unless you allow it to be. Someone else is waiting. Instead of seeing it as a rejection, change your focus and see it as another opportunity to have touched this person’s life.

6. Establish yearly check-ups. Dentists and Doctors do it. Lawyers and Investment Officers do it. You do it. Make a point to contact each client, contact, and potential client at least once a year. Sample dialogue: Hello, Tom! This is Mona Dunkin, I met you at Rotary in April. How are things going? I can’t believe how time has flown and I wanted to check to see how I may serve you. May I have ten minutes of your time next Wednesday? Great, see you then.”

7. Smile before making a call. It shows in your voice.

Every time you make follow up calls - on the phone or in person - and every time you go networking, repeat to yourself, “I love making calls to new people that will end up being great clients and wonderful friends.”

Then do it.

Balancing Our Emotional Scales

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy, likens our emotional state to mental scales that weights what we have against what we want to have. The more we are living the life we want to live, the happier we are. The more evenly balanced our mental scales are, the more connected one is with reality.

Automotive experts tell us that cars run more efficiently on a full tank of gas. The gas is used up driving long distances or in stop-and-go traffic. The driver keeps an eye on the fuel tank and makes adjustments as needed. When the gauge is nearing ‘E’, the driver does not panic but simply keeps an eye out for a gas station to fill up.

Likewise, our lives run more smoothly when our emotional tank is full.

Emotions are there to communicate with us and to alert us to what we are creating in our lives. When you feel lower level emotions, such as frustration or anger, it is because you perceive that you are not getting what you want.

So, what’s a body to do? And that is just the point. The body responds negatively to drained or overwrought emotions. Behavior is total. This means that our behavior is to totality of our enmeshed thoughts, actions/inactions, emotions and physicality all at the same time. Thoughts, actions, emotions and psychology work in tandem. They cannot be separated.

Feel it. Recognize that you are feeling the way you feel and allow yourself to feel it. Emotions have to be owned before they can be evaluated to be be kept, adjusted or discarded. Denying an emotion does not eliminate it; it just pushes it down to fester.

Self-evaluate. Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you feel. More importantly, do you want to continue to feel that way? If not, what choices are you willing to make to adjust or discard the emotion?

The trigger behind drained emotions is failure to get what you want in a given situation. The more stack attacks of such deficiency, the greater the scales are askew. Not getting what you want fits into a number of categories from the trivial wanting steak and being served soup to serious boundary breakers. Are you willing to make the choice to enjoy cheese and crackers? Are you willing to speak up despite the butterflies in your stomach?

We are never in perfect balance but our objective is to stay as balanced as possible. Balance is maintained by being aware of your feelings and patterns. When you see yourself drifting off course, take notice and make an adjustment.

It is difficult to have a bad day when one's emotional tank is close to full. Life’s journey runs smoothly as we keep an eye on the emotional scales and fill up. It is the total behavior that drains; it is the total behavior that re-fills. Connect with whatever brings you back to reality: run, jump, dance, meditate, work, play, cuddle or whatever.

Action Steps to Change

The only thing permanent in life is change. Only, if you do not set the parameters for change, then someone else will do it for you. Take positive control of your life by applying the following action steps to change.

1. Make definite decision to change. Wishing and thinking and planning will not bring about change. Decisive thinking plus action will.

2. Recognize the positive about change. See change as good and embrace it. Focus on what you gain, rather than what you give up.

3. Picture it. Imagining is a powerful tool to bring thoughts into reality. See yourself with skills, abilities and attitudes you want to develop, then watch in wonder as they come into being.

4. Better late than never. We often fall into the trap of “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Yes you can! And it will add spring to his step and life to his years. Give change a chance to prove itself.

5. Get out of your own way. Assess how you are sabotaging your efforts. Get rid of the mentality of “I can’t help it. This is just the way I am.” No it is not. It is the way you have habitually and mentally become.

6. You will never know unless you try. So try! At the same time, remember, “Trying is lying”. So do not just try, actually do it!

7. Stop the insanity – apply the breaks. Evaluate how you are plunging head long into destructive habits or attitudes, put on the breaks and steer into another direction.

8. Use positive self-talk. Utilize the creative power of the spoken word. You cannot hold two conflicting thoughts at once. Let the positive override the negative.

9. Visualize change in increments and grow into it. Growth comes from the acceptance of our limitations.

10. The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are. When you respect yourself and others, there is no level of success you cannot attain. Learn to please you and allow God to release you from being a people pleaser.

11. Change and expect nothing in return. Why? Because you are doing it for you. Let the positive change be its own reward.

12. You do not have to go back to square one. When you fall, get up and go on.

13. Saying “No” is one area is saying “Yes” in another. “Yes” to power. "Yes" to empowerment. “Yes” to caring. “Yes” to loving. Yes” to responsibility. "Yes” to discipline. “Yes” to wholeness. “Yes” to healing. “Yes” to humility. "Yes” to clarity. “Yes” to consciousness. “Yes” to life.

Nothing grows without changing. Keep dreaming and keep saying “Yes” to change. Ray Kroc of McDonald’s fame said, “It is better to be green and growing than to be ripe and rotting.” Do not rot. Keep growing, and change is growth.

Learning to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a line - visible or invisible - that defines and establishes identity. Boundaries (picture a fence) enclose and exclude to protect. Some invisible boundaries are beliefs, creeds, rules and regulations by which we order our lives. These bonds surround and define whether it be political, religious, military, civic, familial, gang or cult. This is who we are, what we believe, what we stand for and what we do. Without boundaries, you cease to exist.

Boundaries determine who you are. To establish who you are and who you want to become, clarify who you are not and what you will not allow. Examples: I am not a dumping ground or a punching bag. I do not like foul language so I will not use it or permit it in my presence. I am a person of value and will not be diminished, dismissed or disregarded.   

Speak up. Although being pro-active is preferred, in the learning stages post-active is okay. It is better late than never. Do not be too concerned about what other think. Whether the issue is addressed pre-present-or post, the other person (with selfish motive and raw emotions) may see it as nagging. That is irrelevant. You have to be confident that you are broaching the issue for the good of all. Yes, it will bring peace to you but know that it will also benefit them as they learn to become better citizens of family and society.

Be firm yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself and that your boundaries are not to be violated; kindness shows respect to the one being corrected. We teach people how to treat us. That they can dump or disregard and we will take it, or that we will not be treated in that manner. Until you become comfortable in speaking up, it may initially come off as hostile. Do not be put off by their off putting. Do not be intimidated and do not back down. As you become proficient in speaking up, your demeanor will be strongly soft and relationships will improve.

Change you; influence others. The only person we can change is us. Our changing greatly influences others. Human nature being the sheep-mentality that it is, most people respond in kind rather than being the initial change agent. I encourage you to be that influencing, initial change agent. Life is faithful to give us the lessons over and over until we either learn and the situation is relieved, or we learn and can stay sane and unstressed in the midst of the surrounding immaturity. Regardless, the limits we have set still hold whether they are respected in peace or in protest.

Picture it. Take a tip from professional athletes and see yourself making the shot before being on the court. In your mind re-live a boundary eroding incident and see you responding differently. See you specifically addressing an issue. Formulate the words needed that will clarify your position. Feel yourself being confident and politely forceful.

Learning to set personal boundaries may be intimidating but it is not difficult. Know that you are worth protecting and stand up for yourself. Work it, cause you’re worth it!

School Days, School Days, Good Ole Golden Rule Days

The year was 1960 and my life was interrupted. We sold our cattle and chickens. We found loving homes for our pets. We locked the doors of the house for the first time ever. We kissed family and friends good-bye. We left the lush rolling hills of West Virginia.

Without fanfare, my parents and I – looking somewhat like the Beverly Hillbillies – packed up Daddy’s white 1954 Chevrolet truck and moved 1200 miles to Waco, Texas.

Perhaps the greatest culture shock was going from a small one-room school house - where one teacher taught grades one through eight (and we had all been classmates since birth) – to a huge two-story-multiple-classroom-multiple- teacher Junior High School of 500 kids. All strangers.

The natives were not so friendly. They made fun of my back-woodsy vernacular. They laughed at my long hair slicked back into a bun. They sneered at my best flour-sack dresses. Although most of us were of English origin, we did not speak the same language. They had never heard of soup beans or pop. I was offered soda water and my stomach was not even hurting.

Back home I had been in the elite group at Lick Creek School, Lick Creek, WV. Actually, all 23 of us were in the elite group. That extended family atmosphere bound us together like few things can.

We studied together and played together and rode the bus together and adventured together and occasionally argued together. All ages were on the same team whether playing tag or marbles or softball. Oh sure, we would divide up, and sometimes that was scary to be the last one chosen. But even though I was told that I ran like a cow, they still let me play.

We jumped rope and played hopscotch while rhyming in cadence: First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes Jane with a baby carriage.

The creek that bordered Lick Creek School was a constant source of fun. In the spring and summer we waded, caught minnows and turned over rocks to unearth crayfish. In the winter we skated. No, no one had ice skates. Any kid with a little determination can scuff-off the tread of snow boots until they are slick as ice. Thankfully, as the youngest in the family, my yearly hand-me-downs were already a little worn.

If the creek was not frozen solid enough to hold us, the sidewalk was. Two minutes before the bell rang, we lined up at the one-armed pump for a dipper full of ice water. Oh sure, we need a drink after so much skating, but more importantly, we needed to maintain the skating rink. (Take a sip, pour remainder on walk, refreeze before next recess.)

We took field trips. Where did we go? We went out into the fields.

We learned birds; their colors, their song, their names and their nesting, eating and migrating habits. We learned trees and shrubs and weeds; how they benefited or harmed mankind and animals. We observed wildflowers, berries and animals. We watched the sky and knew cloud formations and the meaning behind their colors and signs of when to plant or harvest.

We did book learning too. We learned our numbers and letters and how to use them effectively (without verb conjunction or misplacing modifiers). We would read history and then go out to recess and recreate what we had been taught.

From our wall map we knew world geography better than many today with all the modern technology.

Civics? We lived it. Barn-building or hog-killing people showed up with tools and food in hand because we were family. Election day the schoolhouse – all decked out in red-white-and-blue bunting – became a hub of community activity. The school bus and a few private vehicles scoured to the ends of the county providing travel so everyone would be able to perform their civic duty. Decoration day produced a flurry of activity cleaning cemeteries and paying homage to our local world-citizens heroes. Our soldiers kept us safe at home while putting themselves in harms way to protect our unknown neighbors ‘over there’.

Not only were we taught, we were also allowed to learn on our own. Our small library contained renowned classics still favored today. We taught each other. Beginning in third grade – while the teacher taught the older kids inside - I was allowed to take the first and second graders outside under the big tree (a super special place) and help them learn their phonics and practice reading. This student teaching continued all through grade school. Little did I know that was career building?

Those were days of structured study and discipline. They were coupled with wild and wonderful days of unstructured play and imaginative minds let loose to dream and create.

Oh, such wonderful, wonderful memories. Not only are memories forever, they are foundations to build upon. The simplicity of those days continues to haunt me, overshadow me, protect me and compels me to replicate the love of relationship and the fun of learning into everything I do.

There is a special place in my heart for all my former classmates, grades 1-8; and for my two teachers, Mr. Frank Brown and Miss Gladys Neely. Thanks for the memories.

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Although that rhythmic cadence of love-marriage-baby-carriage may seem removed from the standard of today, I suggest the principle remains as founding truth. Whether formal or casual, planned or impulsive, loving or unloving, the union has holiness to it. The office is untarnished.

The child, regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception, is innocent and came from the original source of divine love. Whether the home produces benevolent leaders or malevolent dictators, all of us share in the propagation of light and darkness. The human condition is a complicated mix of good and evil. Correcting the slippery slope or climbing to a higher plane is all ‘Thanks Be To God’.

Secrets of Success

Want to know a secret? The secret is that these tips for success are not a secret.

Everyone who is successful in any area of life has learned them and uses them. Another secret is that most anyone who has been down the road is more than willing to share with you.
After years of writing training materials for other organizations, I decided to bite the bullet and go out on my own. Here are a few of the secrets used to pry me away from a secure environment into a world of unknown possibilities.

You make your own success.

A job pays you what the job is worth; whereas being an entrepreneur you earn what you are worth. That can be a sobering statement. Never think of yourself as self-employed. Do not take your employee mentality with you and thereby create the same yet different job for you.

Make your own success by taking full responsibility for your life, your thoughts, your actions, and your attitudes. Learn to think like and to behave like an entrepreneur, albeit a hard-working one. There is a big difference in being a business owner verses being self-employed. The shift in thinking propels.

Let love replace fear and intimidation.

Become your own best friend by developing a healthy self-love – not an over-inflated ego, but a healthy esteem. Healthy self-love recognizes that you have infinite worth and value as a human being. You have unique talents to give that will contribute to making individual lives and the world a better place either through a service or a product.

You were formed with greatness in your bosom. Sure, someone one else may have a similar idea or product, but it is not from your special viewpoint. One’s gift makes room for her, but it must be implemented and put into action.Love recognizes that others have worth and value also. This truth produces humility and cooperation. Compete with yourself and your own potential.

It's okay toot your own horn. Be proud of yourself.

Go for excellence and give up perfection.

Perfection is a goal that cannot be met, or, if it were to be met, it would be the end of the line. Once something is perfect, the only way to go is downhill. Lower your expectations and experience a new found liberty. Going for excellence sets you free to take risks, to fail, and to try again. Going for excellence motivates for continual improvement. Going for excellence is rewarding, fulfilling, and contributes toward happiness. Give yourself and others room to grow.

“It is better to be green and growing, than ripe and rotting.”

Ray Krock, founder of McDonald’s

Let go of the past, both failures and successes.

Each day is a new day, and each opportunity is a new opportunity. Allow past failures to serve as a learning tool to motivate you to overcome, and past successes to be a motivator for repeat action.

Grow into the position and refuse to allow yourself to become discouraged. You do not have customers because you are in business; you are in business because you have customers. You will stay in business by thinking about ways to grow your company. Search for ways that you can add value to their lives.

And then put those ideas into action.

Sight, Insight and Emotional Intelligence

There are a lot of training and books on Emotional Intelligent. Being emotionally intelligent has a lot to do with how one perceives events and what one believes in mind, heart and soul about the person or event. Perception is one’s personal point of view. Conversely, the way we perceive things becomes our reality. Only it may not be real.

Reality does not create your point of view; rather your point of view creates your reality. How so? What we see – what we take into our brains through our eyes - is processed on different levels. This processing is done emotionally as well as physically.

Physically our eyes see in stereo-effect depth. My Optometrist prescribed vision correction in a counter-intuitive way by having me wear only one contact lens. The eye without the contact lens focused on distance while the eye with the corrective lens focused close-up. Since our eyes adjust independent of each other - with a short learning curve - my eyes regulated to work in tandem to recede or to advance depending on where I focused. It became automatic. I didn’t give it a second thought.

Not only do our eyes see from different depths and angels, but also what is seen is dual-filtered through our conscious (aware) state of being and simultaneously filtered through our unconscious (programmed looped recording) identity of self.

One’s “conscious state of being” is the level of awareness at any given moment; i.e. sleepy/alert, hungry/satiated, frustrated/calm, happy/grumpy, ill will/good will – and a myriad of range within each. When a shift causes us to see something in a different light our understanding is automatically altered.

One’s “unconscious preprogrammed looped recording” is those things agreed to and embraced before having any choice in the matter (i.e. culture, beliefs, attitudes, values) and which challenges us when we choose to behave different from the initial training.

Oh what a conundrum. We interface with situations – and people involved in those situations - based on our skewed, limited and selfish point of view. That’s where emotional intelligence comes into play. It is developing the right mindset to handle the problem. It is to come from a position of responding to need rather than reacting to one’s neediness.

Emotional intelligence is preparing yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually to take on the day just like you prepare yourself physically to go out publicly. It is to look inside to see who you really are and how you are capable of behaving.

Emotional intelligence is to gain insight and to act accordingly. Insight is to see what is true, genuine and authentic, albeit not always obvious, in self and in others. Insight has the power to instantly correct illusions.

Emotional intelligence is nurtured through self-love. Self-love is any simple act of treating you – body, mind and soul - with love, tenderness and compassion. Notice tension in your body and listen to what it is telling you that it needs; sleep, movement, healthy eating, rest or laughter.

Heed your guidance system and say “Yes” or “No” when it is in your best interest to do so. Renew yourself through walks, meditation, reading, hobbies, time off, or a nice long soak in the tub. Pamper yourself with a massage; connect with a friend, or make time to just be.

Your emotions will thank you.

For Success Coaching, Counsel or Conference Speaker
contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com

Make STRESS Work FOR You

Make stress work FOR you! Surely you jest!

Yes, we can make stress work for us by...
· Using stressful situation as a motivator to move – exercise or rest.
· Allowing stress to cause you to refocus on your priorities and values.
· Using stress as a springboard to develop new attitudes and habits.

Here are eight strategies for instant stress relief.

1. BELIEVE - Believe that life has a purpose. Believe that things will work out. Believe in God. Believe in yourself. Believe in others.

“My search led me to try to define what is meant by the word stress and its many uses. Then I turned to the world of anatomy and medicine to develop an understanding of how the body reacts to stress…. From my study I discovered the magnificent stress coping mechanism we have been given…. My conclusion is that stress is essentially a spiritual problem.” Dr. Lloyd J. Ogilvi

“There’s pressure every day in coaching. But pressure can be good. It can be a motivating factor to strive for excellence, unless you let it become fear. Because my faith is where it all starts, that pressure is not fear.” Kevin Steele, Former Baylor Head Football Coach

2. Make everything your choice. Even if it is a seemingly “have to” situation, refuse to be put upon by choosing to accept the task as a part of character development.

"Dr. Bernie Siegel, MD shocks his cancer patients when he asks them ‘Why do you need this illness?’ He claims our bodies break down to give us a message… and many times it is a message that we have been ignoring.” Pain, the Gift Nobody Wants, Dr. Paul Brand and Philip Yancey

3. Develop good communication skills. Be specific. Avoid the stress of repeating yourself.

4. Spend quality and quantity time with your family – and approach it with the right attitude.

“I tell my patients to release the work day and surrender to ‘kid time’. It’s a time when we can breath more deeply, laugh spontaneously, and just take in the natural loving energy that children bring to us.” Naomi Swanson, Ph.D.

5. Live one day at a time, and appreciate that one day for what it is and for who you are.

“Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? – Ever? Every minute?” Thornton Wilder, Our Town

6. Determine “Who owns the problem?” If it is not your problem, do not make it so. Take yourself out of the middle so you can see more clearly.

7. Play and have fun. A playful mind is a de-stressed mind.

“Good mental health is the ability to work and play.” Sigmund Freud


8. Hurry less and relax more.

“Hurry, but don’t rush.” Coach John Wooten

Don't Cope. Overcome. Put these strategies in to play daily. They Work.

For success coaching, counsel or speaking engagements, contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com

Brain Training for Pain Management

My sister is elated with her Pain Management classes and promising results from her chronic discomfort.

The teacher had the class to imagine cutting, smelling and tasting a lemon. My sister was delighted how real the feel, aroma and acidic tang seemed.

The teacher then had the students measure their pain.

She took them through a mind movie of visiting a pleasant and passive place for relaxation and enjoyment. Again they were to measure their pain. Once again my sister was delighted with the results.

She mentioned how nice it was but lamented that “it’s only temporary as you can’t do something like that all the time.”

Ah, contraire, dear sister and dear friends, it can become permanent. Here’s how:

1. The initial exercise was an adventurous trek into uncharted brain matter.

2. Each repeated mental work-out wears the path a little deeper.

3. Eventually the brain is trained to think that way.

Remember, practice makes permanent. So when you become aware you have wandered back onto an old highway of pain… at those junctures we have a choice. Slide back to the former habitual - although painful ways - or employ the newly discovered discipline to build inroads into the possible.

Your choice to living in possibilities consists of two essentials. One is the initial training and two is scheduled daily meditation. Daily. Same time. Same method. Same practice repetition. Those dedicated moments in the morning sets the pattern for your brain to follow the rest of the day.

As the mind is trained to pay attention to a possible interloper, you will find yourself growing in strength and resiliency. You will be able to handle challenges with grace and ease. You will become resourceful, creative and pain free.

In Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence, a Carmelite monk (1640) spoke of making himself spend time in quite reflection each morning. To his surprise, the previous mundane chore of peeling potatoes and washing dishes became a joy.

Life being what it is, there will be times when you just do not want to do it or you just do not feel like doing it. Since it’s all about the rest of the day, your conscious decision to mentally overcome your feelings comes into play.

That is when it’s “Niki Time”. Just. Do. It.

Do the math. Put too much distance between the lethargic mood and the solution and you have regret. Start the day in a good mood with an active pain reducing mode and have up to 18 hours to enjoy it.

Need trainer? Mona Dunkin leads individuals and companies to greater levels of success. Contact her at mona@solutionprinciples.com View training topics at www.monadunkin.com

Control: Internal vs. External

 

One meaning of control is “to have power over”. Regardless of our rank or position in life, the bottom line is: The only person over whom we have power of control is ourselves.

 

Regardless of our rank or position in life, no one can control you to make you do anything you do not wish to do.  We can cajole, threaten, humiliate, reward, bribe, punish or instigate other creative measures to control another, but if the upper hand is gained, it is only because he chose to give in to our request/demand.  If we are willing to accept the outcome, no one can make us do anything we do not wish to do. 

 

As the defiant lad said, “I may be sitting down on the outside but I am standing up on the inside!”  The action may have changed but not necessarily the attitude.

 

The lad was not controlled. The child chose to sit because to continue in his current action would bring pain. The child internally chose to externally control himself. The one issuing the mandate may mistakenly think he controlled the child.

 

And thus sets up the power struggle of the human condition.

 

When we push for control we make it about us. We overcome when we realize that the stressor is more about us than it is about him/her/them. That is not to discount that he is being a royal jerk! It is to become aware that the only person over whom we have control is me and, therefore, I do not have to respond in kind to his behavior, attitude or offense. 

 

Responding in kind is to give back in equivalent to what has been received.  Just because he has been rude, impatient and aggressive, does not mean that I get to be defensive, frustrated and antagonistic. The less we exercise personal control the more control we try to wield over others. 

 

Conversely, the more internal personal control we exercise – the more we choose to have power over our thoughts, our actions and our emotions – the less controlling we will be of others.

 

Everything that happens to you is self-created. Whenever you're responding to any

situation, whether it's a sip of coffee, or a traffic jam, or a love note, or criticism

from a boss, or rainy weather, you're in fact responding to a signal that you

generated within yourself.” -- Deepak Chopra

 

Once you buy into being aware and put personal responses into practice, you become empowered internally that influences externally. Control of self – your thoughts, your actions and your emotions - is a high form of power/control. Trying to control another backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive). When we give up controlling techniques we are in a greater position to influence the positive.   

Self-Evaluation: What do you Really Want?

 

 

What do you want?  Over the course of your life thus far, how many times have you been asked that question? What do you want for Christmas? What do you want for your birthday?

 

What do you want? What do you really want? What about those times you “want something” and go searching for food even though hunger is not the issue? Or find something to do when that doesn’t fit the yearning either?

 

Asking ourselves what we really want is probably the most important thing we can do for ourselves - whether it’s about those big life/visions/goals or in-the-moment stuff. 

Have you ever wanted – and gotten – a new car thinking it would transport you to prestige, fun, dignity and self-worth?  Only to be sorely disappointed once the glamour wore off? And the payments continued?

What we want is produced by our emotions.  Emotions are the outcropping of the thoughts we think.  Emotions and perception (the way you see things) feed on each other, either to rev you up, or to calm you down.  It depends on what mind movie you are tuning in to.  We assume our lives are shaped by events. Actually our lives are shaped by our perceptions and reaction to events, people and/or stuff.

 

In the midst of a heated discussion, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What do I want right now.” 

More than likely the true answer is not, “I want to argue!” Odds are it’s more likely, “I want to be understood;” or, “I want to stop this harangue and I want to show up as the highest version of myself I’m committed to being!”

When you evaluate what you really want, then you are in a position to create it.  It is no longer about proving a point, it becomes about being the person you truly are. It is all in the decision. When you become clear on what you want (or who you really want to be), the “how” to be that person begins to fall into place. 

Change either what you want, or change what you are willing to do to get it. The human heart beats the same whether in the 21st Century or the 1st Century, before or beyond.  We really do all face the same issues, just in different flavors. 

 

The answer to what we want is usually not stuff or food or money or handouts or advice - although those things may have their place.  The answer to what we want is usually about being.  To find out who we really are, we must acknowledge who we have become. We must face the way we hide from ourselves.

 

Blind Bartimaeus cried out, “Jesus Christ, Son of David. Have mercy on me. I am a sinner.” Jesus responded to his plea for mercy by asking, “What do you want me to do?”  (Mark 10:46-52)

God will not violate our free will. How often do we ask for help not knowing what we really want or really need?  We do not recognize our spiritual poverty and thus do not receive mercy.

 

In evaluating what we want from Christ start with the ever true declaration of “I am a sinner”. After a soul-searching inventory be specific, “I am a sinner by being stressed that you will not provide for my needs.” “I am stressed because So-and-So does not follow my sage advice.”  Become more specific. “I am a stressor. I am a stressor because I want to control people and situations.”

 

What we want is actually about peace, contentment, healthy relationships and effective behaviors.  They are readily ours as we make time to follow the Biblical mandate to examine self before partaking in experiences that would render us ineffective (I Cor. 11:27-33).

Sharing Information

Communication consists of the giving and receiving of information. We decide whom we are based on how others interact with us. Although humanity seems to focus more on the negative than the positive, I suggest that is not true. In a backwards-crazy-mixed-up way, a judgment against someone is a disconnecting way of wanting that individual to live up to his own potential. 

Have I lost you yet? Stated more plainly: Criticism is an ugly way of making a request.

A child is told, "Do not touch that"; and he touches it anyway.  The study of linguistics suggests the child is not deliberately disobeying. His body reaches for what his emotions want and acts on what his mind heard which was "Touch that." Signals received/sent become our perception that in turn becomes our reality - only it may not be real. 

No wonder we are so complicated. No wonder life is so wonderful (full of wonder).

Watch out for the “boomerang effect”.  Information given may ricochet on you and the one to whom you gripped thinks less of you.  She sees you as being petty. Even if you put on a good act, the gossip (and that’s what it is) shows your true colors.

 

Be compassionate.  All are broken and all have faults. What are your struggles? Be careful lest you attempt to make another measure up to your standards. It’s more about you than him. 

 

Adopt a balcony perspective; step back and really see.  Take yourself out of the middle and allow the conversation to be different. This stance motivates to self-discovery and leads to responding rather than reacting. You shift from authority to stakeholder. 

 

Even when you think you have something constructive to say, make strides to remain silent. It can be difficult to simply be an observer when you interact with those who are not living as we think they should. Hurt, anger and condemnation are a natural response; certainly not open-hearted acceptance. If your comments are met with silence, graciously accept their response as a “do not interfere” position.

 

Speak truth only when done so in love. Real love.  Truth teaches with respect and kindness. Always choose high regard. Being obsessed with others and their problems keeps one a safe distance from working on his own issues.

Please let me hear from you.