Dreams, Goals and Our 'Quality World' Pictures

Our ‘Quality World Pictures’ was coined by Psychiatrist William Glasser to represent people, places, things and beliefs that we unknowingly isolate from our all-we-know-world. These things are selected and separated because they add value to our life in some measure. We isolated them as desiring to make them a part of our everyday life. Although they are pictures in our head, we devote our time and attention into developing them into reality.

In non-Reality-Therapy-Choice-Theory-language, I suppose dreams could be seen as the same thing as quality world pictures. We can have both Quality World pictures as well as dreams, yet not be aware of either. We may think it is ‘common sense’ to want this or that or to not want this or that.

Before we proceed further, I need you to know that my definition of ‘common sense’ is those things we bought into pre-conscious and pre-verbal. It is those things we were born into and automatically accepted without question. Those commonalities became our worldview of life and by default became our ‘everybody’s-like-that’ position. We pre-judged that ‘them and their’ were like ‘me and mine’; not necessarily in an ugly prejudicial way but in a limited understanding of differences in individuals, families, tribes, cultures and nations.

And that is where conflict comes in. The real world – people, places, things and beliefs that really exists - tries to educate us. Wake us up. Broaden our perspectives.

Dr. Glasser said, "We control the world for need."

What? I like to put it in a think-about-pattern -- "We control _______ for ______."

EXAMPLES:
We control co-workers for cooperation.
We control the horn for faster traffic flow.
We control our anger for getting our way.
We control being lovey-dovey for getting our way.

(Note the last two control tactics are different approaches with the same end result in mind. Each can be legitimate or a false front, depending on the emotion behind the drive.)

We (attempt) to control ... others or situations or the weather, or traffic or the government or what-have-you... in an attempt to get a need met whether it is our belonging need or our power need or our fun need or…
You get the picture.

But here is the conundrum (riddle). Until we learn Choice Theory, we may be ineffectively attempting to get a need met –even one we don't yet know we have - using pictures we don't know we are trying to develop. Our needs, as well as our ways of securing them, are illusive. We search for pleasure or success following the 'common sense lie'.

How we gather these Quality World pictures is multi-dimensional and lasts a lifetime. Perhaps from old TV shows like Ozzie and Harriett we extrapolate a picture of a happy, healthy marriage.

If I think money will make me happy, then money is a major picture in my quality world even though it may look like a big house or a fancy car or beautiful clothes that I inadvertently adopted as wanting and associated those “things” with money.

If I think love will make me happy then I look for an unspecific person – probably one with money - especially if the people I currently associate with do not make me "feel" loved.

And that is another 'common sense' lie. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Or ‘feel’ unloved or anything else. Feelings come from thoughts.

When we think unloving thoughts, we feel sad, depressed, angry, etc. Conversely, when we think loving thoughts, even if they are neutral – “maybe I misunderstood” – then our feelings do not hijack us as easily.

We may be in a family where we are loved very much but if their love is not shown to us in agreement with our illusive Quality World picture of what love looks like, then to us they do not love us.

And so the search goes on in another person, another job, a newer house, prettier clothes, whatever is just beyond our grasp but looks like it is the all-encompassing thing.

Newborns have the five basic needs as well as adults do. A baby knows when something is askew - hungry tummy, dirty diaper, cold or lonely - and he has no idea how to have this 'feeling' satisfied. So he cries. He makes noise. Mom shows up and offers comfort and baby is satisfied. Over time, the baby unknowingly places mom in his QW as the comforter, the food vendor, the problem solver, or as the what-ever-I-need fixer.

Maybe those pre-verbal picture labels contributes to mother's frustrations when the kid is fifteen and continually hollers "MOM!" Rather than lovingly responding, she may yell, “Get it yourself!”

This is how our Quality World pictures are collected, grow and distort.

And here is a rub with our selection of Quality World pictures. We isolate our Quality World pictures as having value to us that will add meaning, whether it is something we embrace or something we wish to fight against.

Oh, dear, such a tangled web. No wonder it is difficult to know our selves.

As an Instructor with the William Glasser Institute, I teach a not-so-common-sense worldview approach to effective living that brings peace and success in every area of life. Interested? Give me a shout out - monadunkin@gmail.com

Seeing Beyond the Mental Fog

When fog settles in visibility lessens. Ordinary objects become distorted, perception is askew and navigation treacherous. Some souls have been lost at sea or driven over a cliff.

The same is true on the road of life when emotions cloud one’s vision. Annoyance become paramount, perception is out of kilter and course-plotting underhanded. Jobs are lost, relationships are harmed and happiness is illusive.

Where you are is where you are. The meaning you give to where you are is your perception based on the meaning you attach to where you are. Anxiety is the body’s response to thinking and feeling. When one makes a clear distinction between the event and the meaning given to it, one is better prepared to handle the realities of life.

Example: Driving on an unfamiliar road one may think, “I don’t know where I am.” “I’m lost.” You feel you should have gone another way; that you should have stayed home, that this road is too dangerous. Your body is tense and anxiety sets in.

Reframe: Distinguish between event and the meaning it warrants. “I am unfamiliar with the road and the surroundings. I am a good driver and will navigate cautiously. I will slow down and arrive alive. It is okay to be a little late.” Tension abates.

Example: You are told what to do when you already know what to do! You begin to mind read; “You think I am stupid.” “You think you are so smart.” “Get off my back!” You feel judged and criticized. Your body tenses as anger rises and hard feelings compound.

Reframe: "He/she means well. Maybe they know something I have overlooked or have not yet learned. Either way, I will respect their input and treat them with civility." Calm is restored. Relationship remains intact.

Example: A botched performance. Meaning attached, “I am a big goof. I ruined the entire event.” “People are placating me.” Feelings attached are discouragement, despair and failure. Body’s response is tight muscles, headache and depressing.

Reframe: Make a clear distinction between event and the meaning you give it. “Even though I messed up a little I gave some salient points. I am learning to be a presenter and will do better the next time.” Let yourself off the hook. Be able to receive compliments.

All day, every day four things are happening simultaneously:
1) the event
2) your thought regarding the event
3) your emotions associated with what you perceive about the event
4) your body responding to how you see, think and feel about the event

Reframing helps you to see what was not clean when clouded by emotions. Reframing takes you to a detached position where you might be able to see what a bystander would see (about the situation as well as about you).

Rethink and let the sunshine reflect a better light on success, relationships and happiness.

Let Go and Let Go

It has been said that the only thing permanent is change.  Many seem to think that the world’s change is on a downward slope morally, politically and relationally.

The totality of the world is an aggregate whole comprised of what we each believe as well as the wide variety of what our fellow life-travelers believe. We can know each other in peace and harmony only as we respectfully choose to try to understand each other, whether that is culture, life experiences, education or religious texts.

Disagree without shunning, exclusion or manipulation. Be true to yourself while allowing the other to be true to him self. I don’t see it the way you do. You don’t see it the way I do. Let’s break bread together. Maybe both will be enlightened. “In the breaking of bread their eyes were opened”.  

Choose to see a spark of Divinity in everyone and to treat each accordingly. We have a responsibility to stand up for those who are oppressed. Not to brow beat their choices but to graciously give room to grow. Understand that we are vital to each other and take pains to be a part. Go beyond tolerance all the way to genuine compassion. Start by choosing not to view the other as the other.

Even though Pope Francis views today’s morality as a threat to “the identity and survival of the family: father, mother and children” he also asserts - “Who am I to judge?” *

It may seem to you that I am riding the fence trying to be all things to all people. If I know my wisdom heart, it is for a loving Christ-like graceful inclusion that lumps all us sinners into one melting pot. Compassion for all sides requires the courage of humility. Except for the grace of God there go I.

Though we may disavow it, we mortals take comments of our adversary more seriously than those of our admirers.  We may rebel against their comments by trying to prove them wrong, only to find them right. Look for the good in others without compromising your own beliefs. 

De la Serna, Pope Francis’s Argentine friend said this about him: “He won’t change doctrine. 

What he will do is return the church to its true doctrine – the one it has forgotten, the one that

 puts man back in the center. For too long the church put sin in the center. By putting the 

suffering of man, and his relationship with God, back in the center, these harsh attitudes 

toward homosexuality, divorce, and other things will start to change.” *

We are all sinners. Those of us saved by grace are still sinners. Our confession of sin – from the minor to the major – brings immediate forgiveness and cleansing. God’s ear is not deaf and his arm is not short. He hears and answers immediately; we are forgiven and set free. We can breathe and laugh and dance and enjoy life.

So why do we stay entangled in the same ole, same ole? Could it be that we don’t believe that God’s loves us? Could it be that we don’t trust him?  Could it be that we dictate how the issue is to be solved? Could it be that we don’t follow Jesus’ hash tag to healing? #goandsinnomore?

The answers are within. Find them. Settle them.

A man was desperate to incorporate the phrase, “Let go and let God” into his life. Using colorful paper, he painstakingly cut out each letter and pasted them in a prominent place. His daily goal was to view and repeated it several times. Days passed and doubt still loomed large. He did not know how to ‘let go’ let alone how to ‘let God’.  

One morning he was inspired anew as he read the sign: “Let go and let Go ”.

The adhesive had lost its grip and the letter ‘d’ fell to the floor. Pursue truth and be surprised by the mystery

*Will the Pope Change the Vatican? Or Will the Vatican Change the Pope? By Robert Draper, National Geographic, August, 2015 

Who Am I? Who Are My People

Identity is an important aspect of our personality. We proclaim our self to be Caucasian, or Russian, or a City Slicker, or a Methodist, or Rotarian, or – you get the picture. We label each other by ethnicity, geography, religion, politics, associations (clubs, gangs) and a plethora of other venues.

Our identity in some areas is by chance. All of the lineage and circumstances were met for you to be born you. Some is by choice. We look around to see what we think we might like to be like and join those forces.

Our identity shapes us deeply, profoundly, mystically and undeniably. Our identity, as well as what tribe we are associated with, results in healthy or low self-esteem, effective or less effective relationships, acceptance or antagonism of self, community and the world populace as a whole.

Life is simple, only we often make it complicated.

Life simplifies when we choose to incorporate the dissonant fabulous and flawed aspects of our heritage and personality into humble acceptance of ‘this is who I am’. We look at what it is about our self that we can change or control. We ask and answer hard questions. We seek and employ wise counsel, while always being true to the illusive fact that we are each self-determining.

We complicate life when we try to change someone else. We simplify life when we use our influence to – ahem - influence. Gently. We increased influence when we hold all beings in high regard, speak truth in love, act kindly and respond graciously.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com

Accidental Grace or Clumsiness

You have had times when life flows effortlessly. When all the pieces fit together? A plethora of events - including people and places - collide for accidental grace.

Or an accidental mishap? When something negative happens that we did not knowingly choose it is often labeled as an accident. It may seem to have ‘just happened’ but in truth all the conditions were met.

All accidents, happy or otherwise, are intentional.

Events are intentional even though we may loudly protest that we did not intend to… (fill in the blank).

And that is the crust of the problem. All accidents, positive or negative, are life displaying itself by design or default.

Can we set ourselves up to lean toward grace? To be accident-prone toward happy outcomes?

Yes! It’s called by a number of names like meditation, self-evaluation or living in the now. Life becomes more gracious when we live on purpose. When we let ourselves know that we are making the choice to do or not to do.

As in, choosing to drive distracted and thereby greatly increasing a wreck outcome. (Note: A wreck is a by-product of reckless driving – or living.)

Embrace the act of being aware of what you do and taking full responsible for the outcome of such action. And not just every now and then.

The proof is in the practice. Neuroscience says we can build new pathways in our brain that will reroute our thinking and become our new default position thus eliminating old habits of thought and action.

You can cultivate the habit of being fully present and mindful and engaged and happier. Practice until it becomes habit. Practice - like the habit of brushing your teeth – where you feel fuzzy until you meditate. Practice until a new supersonic highway bridge is built over the old reactive turbulence.

That is not to say that others are not contributors; but it is to acknowledge that you have no control over the part they play. It is to say that you will lean toward positive influence as you interact with clarity, grace and calm.

Every area of your life benefits – relationships, work, health – everything is enhanced through meditative self-evaluation and conscious decision making.

Go on. Not only is the proof in the practice but also practice makes permanent.

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. mona@monadunkin.com

Understanding Your Story

"Tell me I have led a good life. Tell me I am a good man." James Ryan in Saving Private Ryan

Everybody has a story. Each person is a unique individual conjoined with generations past. Everyone has a storyline uniquely his own, yet with commonalities to the whole. Through stories (history) we form our identity. The quest for identity, position, purpose and significance encompasses our lifelong journey.

Children love to hear accounts of their birth or antics over and over as a way saying, “Confirm to me again who I am and that I matter”. Whether the exploits are accurate or not is not germane to its influence. They need to know that the fairy tale doesn’t change.

As life nears the end many query, as did aging James Ryan in the movie Saving Private Ryan, “Tell me I have led a good life. Tell me I’m a good man.” Confirm to me that my life has had purpose.

The irony remains that most of us know ourselves only by hearsay. Hearsay - through stories told to us about us when we were younger (forgotten or were unaware), through current communication of what others say to us about us (whether we agree, disagree or are yet unaware), or through what we presume (correctly or incorrectly) that others say or think about us.

A fish does not know he is in a cocoon of water. Likewise, we are born into a culture cocoon of sorts; neutral - neither good nor bad - they just are. They include beliefs, creeds, rules and regulations by which we order our lives. These bonds surround and define us. This is who we are, what we believe, what we stand for and what we do.

Yet we are too unique to have a cookie-cutter identity. People reorganize their stories according to how they imagine their lives should be. Do not foolishly discard your story as that would leave you open and venerable. To disavow your cocoon boundaries is to cease to exist. Yet to hold on too tight stifles and prevents growth. The cost is your true identity.

We are a composite whole with many dimensions. You are who you are while at the same time fulfilling different roles, such as child, parent, sibling, neighbor, co-worker, leader, follower, golfer or gardener. When one is primarily in any of these roles, he is still all of himself only in a combined way specific to that situation.

No matter the cocoon in which one is reared (or are still swimming), no matter the current conditions economically, politically, socially or religiously, no matter one’s race, color, or creed, internal greatness is already within you. Although there is a lot to be said for the safety, nurturing and identity of culture, we limit our growth as individuals by remaining in any group-think environment. Holding loosely to one’s story can be a blessing. In traumatic situations such as war camps, those who shed their former identity are more likely to survive with resiliency mechanisms intact.

Perhaps we are the closest to the reality of who we are when our story unravels. We become authentic. We begin to see and understand things as closely to what is and what was and what will be. Look at today’s product in light of your storyline-to-date and with open vision to undeveloped potentialities. Allow this inward outlook to nurture wisdom and goodness.

Through meditation seek to become the person you are created to be. Find your greatness. Live your personal story to the blending and inner twining of an enjoyable and meaningful life.

For success coaching, counsel or speaking engagements, contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com

To Be More Loving

February is famed for its limited number of days, the last hurrah of winter and as being the month of love. In proclaiming love to others, do not forget to be more loving to you.

Insight comes in all shapes and forms. Sometimes those things we do not want to acknowledge is the most healing.

After a speaking engagement I graciously received compliments on my presentation as well as on my appearance. When I viewed the video – although I was pleased with the message – I was not quite so pleased with the messenger (i.e. with me). I was critical of my performance and my appearance. Every feeling is a pro-survival mechanism.

• I did not like my hair. Although all natural, it appeared grayer than what I see in my mirror.
• I looked heavier than what my scales suggest.
• I deemed my hand gestures to be a little too dramatic.

Criticism is an ugly (disconnecting) way of making a request. I changed my focus. Rather than allowing critical-self to condemn me, I ask myself what "personal requests am I making of me?" Instantly I was more accepting of my looks and mannerisms.

I shared this positive awareness with my accountability partner, Gloria. She cut to the heart of the issue. “Maybe your request is to be more loving.”

How freeing it is to face the way we hide from our feelings. The choice to move from acceptance to loving is amazing. Send love to the pain and the pain will dissipate.

Sending love is done with a deliberate intention to be kind. Yes, be kind to others but also be kind to you. Sending love quiets the nagging critic. Love acknowledges flaws and what to do about them: either to accept and joyfully move on or to receive insight and courage for correction. Sending love engenders compassion to one’s own ego as well as to family, friend and even to foe.

Sending love releases inner limitation and long-held hurts. It relaxes the body, calms the mind and floods your being with peace. It quiets the drama and equalizes emotions so your true spirit shines through.

Sending love releases restorative chemicals into the blood stream; natural meds that heal and repair. A healthy body lends to clearer thinking and improved relationships.

Choose to be more loving by approaching all aspects of life from a place of love. There is an invisible connection between you, God and humanity at large. The more love is sent, the more the separating gap narrows. The more love is denied, criticism and rebellion ensues from a place searching for love.

With the billion of souls in the universe, we can never exhaust all the air available for us to breathe. Love is an even greater resource available to us without thought and becomes powerful with mindful intention. Although our love may be fledging, when joined with God’s unconditional love it is restorative.

Start with being more loving to you. And let it grow. This Valentine's day - and beyond - be more loving of you to you. Quiet your inner self-critic about your perceived shortcomings

Don't Cope. Overcome.  You are created in God's image, a work of art with a designer label. As His creation, you have infinite worth and value. You have been gifted with talents to bless yourself and others. Live your authentic self; do not become a generic brand.

I’d love to hear your insights.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

 

"Why" and "Why Not?"

The answer to “Why” is and always has been one of two reasons:
· “Because it seemed like a good idea at the moment.”
· “Because all the conditions were met for it to have happened.”

The answer to “Why not” is and always has been one of three reasons:
· “Because s/he did not think of that at the moment and you were not there.”
· “Because s/he thought of it and decided against it.”
· “Because all the conditions were not met for it to have happened.”

Simplistic? No. Simplistic is to see things from only one-dimension. Simplistic is the failure to acknowledge the countless variables that goes into every-single-solitary interaction.

Suppose you went home to find that your dwelling had been completely destroyed. Finding out “why” – a fluke tornado, a misdirected wrecking ball, an explosion - may bring some peace of mind. The fact remains that the damage has been done and the next step is moving forward.

Searching for “why” or “why not” will not rebuild the house/relationship. It impedes progress. To clean up the mess begins by regaining your stability, by finding the courage within you to do your part in rebuilding the structure or restoring the relationship.

To continue searching for “why” or “why not” comes from failure to accept what happened or what did not happen. It comes from the heart of a griever. It comes from something you want to cry about.

We cannot move past what we have not embraced. We do not have the liberty to throw away that which we do not own. So acknowledge the hurt and own your emotions. Then step into the renewal of today and be pleasantly surprised when peace shows up.

Work on developing relationship. That is not to say that the past will never be discussed. It is to say that past discretion will consciously and deliberately be set aside while emotions are healed and relationship is rebuilt. And be pleasantly surprised when forgiveness shows up. You will know when the past is not worth remembering.

Whenever offends comes you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy and emotions for retaliation or for resolution? You can’t do both. What do you choose? Why not?

What would you like discussed? Let me hear from you. 

Mirror, Mirror

Life lends itself to interaction with the masses of fellow-strugglers (family members, co-workers). They have shortcoming that annoy us. Their accomplishments rear the green-eyed jealousy monster in us.

Others are mirrors reflecting us to us. Their irritating flaws reveal our own untended ways. Their glaring success nags at our own unheeded potential.

Dislike the image. When someone irritates us and we want to fix them, it is an echo of our own unfinished business. Their glaring foibles reflect our own deficiencies.

Like draws to like. Like a magnet we draw to us what we are, not what we want to be. Courage draws to courage. Success draws to success. Dysfunction draws to dysfunction. Whether moral or immoral, legal or illegal, when another’s action matches your action there is harmony, understanding, agreement. You have found a friend, a companion. Depending on the non-verbal contract you have found a cynic with which to commiserate and wallow in the mud – or you have found a comrade with which to overcome and scale summits.

Like the image. Become friends with the image you see in your mirror every day. Accept who you are, blemishes and all. You are more than your looks, more than your hair, more than your clothes, more than your shape, more than your job, more than your possessions, more than your education, more than your accomplishments – you are more. You are a human being; a human becoming.

As you choose to lower your defenses, something mysterious happens. The offensiveness in others also begins to dissolve. Their defensiveness is lessened. As you relax with you, the world relaxes around you. As you stop trying to fix others and work on your own locus of control, you become congruent with the real you. As you like you, others respond in kind.

Compassionate toward the image. As we grow and overcome our own shortcomings a shift occurs in our view of others. As you see triumphs in self, develop empathy toward the one still struggling. Use this as a springboard to see their undeveloped potential. Come along side as a mentor.

Life lends itself to interaction with the masses of fellow-strugglers. In the midst of the hustle and bustle of life, make time to reflect on who you are. The real you is enough.

God does not make junk. He made you a unique and special individual, with infinite worth and value and sporting a designer label.

The Relationship Question

It’s all about relationship. Will they do what you want because they want to please you? Will they do the opposite of what you want because they want to spite you?

The Ultimate Question is: "Is what I am about to say or do going to draw us closer together or push us farther apart?"

Do you habitually fall into using the seven deadlies? They chip away at the relationship. Whereas, practicing the seven caring habits built, reinforce and repair. Pay attention to your interaction with mate, children, co-workers, boss, neighbors and strangers. Once you are aware you are in a position to decide which really work and which you want to incorporate.

Criticizing is a disconnecting way of making a request. Reframe the situation into an appeal.

Complaining is negative communication to a person about that person in an attempt to control him to stop something or to start something.

Blaming is disregarding your own involvement and turning the situation into the other person’s fault, thus placing you as the victim. “We are late because you did not clean up your mess.”

Nagging is repeating over and over and wrongly assuming it will help. “If you said it three times and they haven’t done it probably saying it three thousand more times will not get it done either.” Dr. Glasser

Threatening is pointing out negative outcome without allowing truth or consequences or without follow through.

Punishing is following through on your threat but done in a demeaning, demoralizing way. Punishment leads to rebellion more than to correction. Punishment temporarily appeases the ‘victim’ while solidifying spite in the offender.

Bribing is rewarding to get what you want and does not help the individual do what you want out of respect. For bribing to continue to work the reward needs to get bigger and better the next time. Once the bribes stop, negative behavior returns or worsens.

If this list has given you an “ouch”, don’t try to stop. Do start to pay attention. Increased awareness will help you stop without trying. The more you incorporate the seven caring habits, the easier and quicker the transition.

Supporting is being there. It is maintaining a foundation to fall on and to rebuild upon. It is not agreeing with but believing in.

Encouraging is to pour courage into. It is seeing undeveloped potential and believing in the person before he believes in himself. It is projecting a “you can do it” attitude until they acquire a fledgling “okay, maybe so” outlook. It is your verbal evidence that helps him believe in himself.

Listening is hearing where the person is coming from, not to agreement but to understanding. Once an individual feels understood, he is better equipped to evaluate whether to proceed or to adjust.

Trusting is having faith in something not as yet seen. When trust has been broken rebuilding can be difficult but not impossible. Who among us has not made a promise and failed to follow through. It takes a healthy dose of skeptical believing in self as well as in the other. It is talking about the infraction, giving and receiving forgiveness and making plans to prevent it from happening again. When someone repeatedly breaks trust you need to trust what that behavior is showing you.

Accepting is one flawed individual getting along with another flawed individual. It is understanding the innate worth and value of the person over and above his/her imperfections.

Respecting is treating the other person as though you were the other person. Respect looks different to each of us. You know what respect looks like to mom (child, mate, boss, friend). Give her what she wants not what you want in a similar situation.

Negotiating Differences is working together for an amiable solution. It takes communicating; speaking, listening, understanding, consulting and adjusting until the issue has been resolved in a way that is satisfactory to both/all.

The more you incorporate the seven caring habits, the easier and quicker the transition - and the more enjoyable the relationships with self and others.

Let's communicate. Leave a comment about your caring relationship habits.

Control: Compete or Compliment

Mankind has been given a wonderful, albeit dangerous, gift called free-will. With this free-will we make choices that self-determines outcome. To use personal control is within one's scope to compete (disconnect) or to compliment (connect) with others.


You cannot control another person’s actions. Not only can you not control another's actions, you cannot control how s/he thinks or feels. To project your thoughts and feelings onto another is to magnify your own frustration.

For every leader who steps forth and takes charge, there’s a behind-the-scenes person who needs to be shown what to do. To denigrate either is failure to appreciate their unique place in this universe. The follower is no less valuable than the leader; s/he just likes the shadows better.

The same is true with those who openly show emotions and those who are hesitant to connect. It does not mean their love is any less deep; it means their way of expression is more subdued.

Everyone is such a wonderful mix of personality traits, chemical make-up and genes combined with life experiences, education, age differences, skills, talents and opinions that it is a wonder any of us get along. Our interaction with others is hard-wiring as well as conscious choices. The personality who races through life like the hare can be an irritant to the individual who prods along like the turtle. And vice-versa. Yet both cross the finish line. Each gets the job done.

A line in the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi is, “Lord, may I seek to understand more than to be understood.” As we choose to honor another’s humanity, his differences become less stark. As we choose to appreciate another’s creativity, her disparity becomes less important.

The opposite is also true. As we choose to honor our unique gifting without one-upmanship or one-downmanship, we find our place in the universe. As we appreciate our quirky personality without sanction or denial, we understand how others relate to us. As we develop our own shadow side, we increase our tolerance. As we balance give and take, we grow in compassion.

To accept what is, is to live in the moment. To accept what is, is to be a problem solver rather than a complainer. To accept what is, is to give yourself choices in your response. You can keep the pressure on and destroy relationship. You can detach completely and dissolve the relationship. You can work with what is and modify your involvement. The less energy you spend on fixing another, the more you have for self-improvement.

Acceptance does not mean approval. Acceptance means the only person’s actions, thoughts or emotions you can control are your own.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”