There's A Song In the Air

The Holidays are here. Makes you want to sing, doesn’t it.

What a wonderful season, full of love, joy, peace and busyness and mystery. A one-time event that is cyclable, filled with diversity, yet yearly offering us something we hadn’t noticed before.

If we are paying attention.

In Sunday’s comics of LuAnn by Greg Evans, she was preparing her classroom for the Holiday Season by writing “Merry Christmas” on the white board. A child entered and said, “We celebrate Hanukkah”. Luann added Hanukkah to the board. Another mentioned, “We celebrate Kwanzaa”. The conversation continued - as well as additions to the board - to include Omisoka, Muslim festivities, Winter Solstice and Seasons Greetings.

Luann’s final entry was “PEACE!!!”.

Does the above-mentioned comic strip bring peace to you? Or do you identify with the bold print and the three exclamation points? What is this world coming to?

I find peace. Wait! Before you quit reading, let me explain.

The Christmas message IS peace. And love and joy. But how do we find those attributes if we don’t understand the meaning of the words? I think of Jacob, our founding spiritual forefather, and his life trials and weird dream of a ladder with angels ascending and descending. When he awakened, he was afraid and confused. He looked around and said, “God was here all the time and I didn’t know it.”

Then Jacob did something even more weird. He anointed a rock and proclaimed that dream holy and that place holy. Then he rolled up his stuff and continued his known, yet unknown journey. (Genesis 12)

Jacob transcended. He began to think different thoughts about his family and his God and his complicated life-journey. Does God really love a cheat like me? Can I have peace even though I have an angry brother who wants to kill me? Is truth actually written on my wisdom heart? Is joy possible when I am only concerned about me and my? What else do I know that I don’t know that I know?

In watching Christmas movies and seeing advertisements, they seem to be more about Santa and gift than the Christ child. Yet in the background there is a song in the air. A song of a Holy Night. A Song of Joy to the World. Music moves us in mysterious ways. I find the message of a God who IS love - unconditional love. The God who birthed a son like Himself. One who loves us for no good reason. One who loves us with no expectations in return

One who empowers us to transcend, to grow, to love, to rise above.

What a wonderful season, full of love, joy, peace and mystery. A one-time event that is cyclable, filled with diversity, yet yearly offering us something we hadn’t noticed before.

Pay attention. Listen to the music. Harken to the short messages from your heart. Love. Forgive. Be kind. Overlook snarks. Move past regrets. Let it go. Sing.

We are in the midst of who we are and who we are becoming. As we are open to love and forgiveness, the Christmas message of peace and love is birthed in our hearts.

Mess Makers and Care Takers

One of the ironies of life is when neat-nixs and slobs are paired together as life partners, at work or on committees. How do you live/work peaceably with a slob? Here are a few suggestions if you find yourself in that situation.

1. Don’t stuff it state it. Rather than stuff your frustration, state your position in a positive manner and with a pleasant attitude. Use “I” statements and know your reason for complaining. Focus on things that can be changed and do not stack attack. Have a suggestion for resolve in mind before gripping. Be specific and communicate with the person in a way that he/she understands. Be open and honest. Don’t beat around the busy or use illusive innuendoes.

2. Ask for change without demanding change. Even though you may have a resolve suggestion in mind, you cannot control another’s ambition or lack of ambition. Do not respond negatively to negativity.

3.Make suggestions to eliminate, delegate or simplify. To eliminate - box it up, put it in drawers or behind cabinet doors, throw it away, give it away or recycle. To delegate – give it away, ask for help, hire resources, or outsource it. To simplify – reduce the amount of times an activity is done and see how much can be pared off.

4. Everything needs a home. If it doesn’t have a home, it becomes clutter and you cannot organize clutter. A lady come to me out of frustrated with her husband and children because they threw things down and the home was constantly cluttered. After assessing the situation, we purchased a variety of sizes of baskets and organizational items. We labeled the baskets and placed them in strategic locations. A large basket by the den door and a coat-hanger strip became home to sports equipment. Baskets on the kitchen counter became homes for mail, coupons, pens/scissors, keys and pocket change. A basket was placed on the fireplace with each child’s name. As the room became cluttered with shoes, books or toys, the wayward items were temporarily placed in the child’s box for him/her to return to its original home. Even though the husband had previously been a major contributor to the clutter, he told his wife, “I am so glad you did this. All that junk made me nervous.”

But what if they will not cooperate? How do you continue to be nice when things stay messy?

It’s more about you than them. Keep your area neat and do not obsess over their messes. Be more concerned with developing a relationship with the offender and he/she may be more willing to follow your example of organization. I love the Catholic prayer, “For the sake of Your passion, grant us grace.” Grace received is enough for you to become a gracious giver.

“Oh, Lord, You’re Beautiful. Your face is all I seek.

And when your eyes are on this child, your grace bounds to me.” -song

DON'T COPE - OVERCOME: Here is a round-robin for you: We choose the emotions we experience and we experience emotions through the thoughts we think. To change emotions, change thoughts. Just like the front wheels of a car point in the direction we travel and the back wheels automatically and dutifully follow, so too, are our emotions hard-wired to our thoughts. Change your mind and change your emotions.

Balancing Our Emotional Scales

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy, likens our emotional state to mental scales that weights what we have against what we want to have. The more we are living the life we want to live, the happier we are. The more evenly balanced our mental scales are, the more connected one is with reality.

Automotive experts tell us that cars run more efficiently on a full tank of gas. The gas is used up driving long distances or in stop-and-go traffic. The driver keeps an eye on the fuel tank and makes adjustments as needed. When the gauge is nearing ‘E’, the driver does not panic but simply keeps an eye out for a gas station to fill up.

Likewise, our lives run more smoothly when our emotional tank is full.

Emotions are there to communicate with us and to alert us to what we are creating in our lives. When you feel lower level emotions, such as frustration or anger, it is because you perceive that you are not getting what you want.

So, what’s a body to do? And that is just the point. The body responds negatively to drained or overwrought emotions. Behavior is total. This means that our behavior is to totality of our enmeshed thoughts, actions/inactions, emotions and physicality all at the same time. Thoughts, actions, emotions and psychology work in tandem. They cannot be separated.

Feel it. Recognize that you are feeling the way you feel and allow yourself to feel it. Emotions have to be owned before they can be evaluated to be be kept, adjusted or discarded. Denying an emotion does not eliminate it; it just pushes it down to fester.

Self-evaluate. Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you feel. More importantly, do you want to continue to feel that way? If not, what choices are you willing to make to adjust or discard the emotion?

The trigger behind drained emotions is failure to get what you want in a given situation. The more stack attacks of such deficiency, the greater the scales are askew. Not getting what you want fits into a number of categories from the trivial wanting steak and being served soup to serious boundary breakers. Are you willing to make the choice to enjoy cheese and crackers? Are you willing to speak up despite the butterflies in your stomach?

We are never in perfect balance but our objective is to stay as balanced as possible. Balance is maintained by being aware of your feelings and patterns. When you see yourself drifting off course, take notice and make an adjustment.

It is difficult to have a bad day when one's emotional tank is close to full. Life’s journey runs smoothly as we keep an eye on the emotional scales and fill up. It is the total behavior that drains; it is the total behavior that re-fills. Connect with whatever brings you back to reality: run, jump, dance, meditate, work, play, cuddle or whatever.

Being Hospitable

Using our words is one way in which we communicate.

We think in pictures; if you do not get the picture, you do not get the concept. Words paint pictures. Words develop meaning based on their use.

What image do you conceive when you hear the word hospitality. Does it conjure up a welcoming atmosphere amid friendly faces with caring service? What about the word travel? Do you see adventure and excitement?

Words are alive and grow and change and become obsolete. Hospitality is derived from two Latin words: “hostis”, which originally meant ‘stranger’, and took on the meaning of enemy or “hostile stranger”, and “polis” meaning “equalizing power”. Travel comes from the word “travail” meaning pain, anguish and torture.

In olden days travel was difficult, going by foot, camel, or caravan. The communities were wide spread and outsiders were seen as hostile – marauding, pillaging, raiding and looting. Prosperous community members would go out to meet the approaching foreigners offering food and respite. This show of kindness had an equalizing power. Only after the stranger was made to feel comfortable would he be asked his name and mission.

Hospitality also has the idea of protection and guidance. Hospitality is about compensating/equalizing a stranger (host) with a stranger (hostis-guest) by making him feel protected and taken care of and guiding him to his next destination. Hospitality is based on an individual’s felt sense of duty to family and community.

Each time you feel negative, stop, acknowledge that thought and deliberately dismiss it. Or at least reframe it. Look deeply to find the root of your emotion and consciously replace it with the greater truth of your potential. This practice is profoundly spiritual and life changing. Use it. Embrace it.

Incidentally, How could our travels become more pleasant as we extend hospitality to other road-travelers - even to the guy in the right hand land that does not turn right.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER? One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com

Thanks Be To God

Life is filled with tension. What to do? What not to do? What is too much? What is not enough? Knowing. Not knowing. Not caring. Emotional highs and lows. Joys and disappointments. All at the same time!

Thank be to God for this Holy Easter Holiday. When rightly observed, Easter can teach us to die to life's tension in order to live abundantly. With the approaching of Ash Wednesday, I wish to share my last year's Lenten experience with you.

Although I have celebrated Easter all my life, I had never observed the 40-day Lenten fast. 2014 was a first for me. I am sad to say it had never seemed that important in preparation for Easter. How blind I have been.

We must choose to be awake to receive the Son-rise.

My Lenten fast was actually pretty petty. I choose to forgo the 2PM-4PM-half-price-drinks-run to Sonic. This everyday 44oz drink habit I had fallen into had taken on a life of its own. At 1:30 in the afternoon – I don’t want to miss it - my attention was drawn to my senses. Like Pavlov's dog, I salivated just thinking of the treat.

Everything is spiritual. How is it that denying the self can be as fulfilling as satisfying the self? Lent is not about the ego-self (edging God out) but the true-self (centering God in).

Self-control is an essential part of the spiritual life. As the appetite is tamed the soul flourishes. This iota of surrender made an enormous shift in my thinking. My afternoon attention is being refocused from Dr. Pepper to the Great Physician. My thirst is being translated from soda pop to Living Waters.

And in the process every sense is becoming sharper.

God’s silence speaks volumes and my stillness listens and my wisdom heart hears. How many times does God speak and we do not hear for our spiritual ear is dulled by the illusion of pleasures and pains of life?

In The Liturgical Year, Sister Joan Chittister relates the story of a disciple who heard a voice calling, “Who is there?”

Sensing a holy moment, she replied, “It is I, Lord.” But there was only silence.

Years later she again heard the voice and again she answered, “It is I, Lord. It is I.”

But there was only silence. In later years, the voice called a third time, “Who is there?”

This time she answered, “It is You, Lord, only You.”

Apostle Paul expressed it as decreasing so that God might increase.

Diane Bardwell sings, “Ever dying into You am I, until there is only You.”

Everything we learn in life, it is all Thanks Be To God.


For counsel or speaking engagements, contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com

Overcome Being Overwhelmed

Overcome being overwhelmed by recognizing the pattern. This pattern includes exaggerated thinking – “I have a million things to do” – confused emotions – “I’m so stupid” – relentless mind chatter and physical sensations of fatigue, frustration and fear.

Knowing that you want a change is easier than knowing what to do. We are intelligent beings. We are also emotional beings. When overwhelming emotions take over, thinking takes a holiday.

The secret to keeping our total behavior of thinking, doing, emoting and physical responding is found in breathing. Slow. Deep. Purposeful. Deliberately. Allow incoming oxygen to calm the passion and send blood flow to the brain to re-engage rational thinking.

Think rationally about your to-do-list. Yes, several things demand your attention but it is nowhere near a million.

Gracious thinking about your self-esteem. You may have made a less than stellar choice, but you are not stupid.

Conscious, focused breathing calms the body’s systems to respond humanely. Use it for you to lessen opposition. Gently give it to your perceived adversaries. Without fanfare, allow him to take a minute to calm down. Do not demand answers.

In heightened emotions, we do not have answers anyway; we only have rationalizations that cloud rather than clarify. Or defenses that destroys rather than build.

The higher your energy level the more efficient your body – your total behavior. Focus helps you to prioritize your choices to pursue and to eliminate.

We become overwhelmed when we take things personally – as though we are the savior of the world – and it’s all about us to do or die.

We overcome when we come to terms that the stress from the situation is more about our own thinking than it is about the actual tasks at hand. That is not to discount the responsibilities of work and home and community involvements. It is to say that trying to do – or think about and plan for – at the same time is humanly impossible. It is too confusing; mind-boggling,

Go for excellence by doing the best you can do while in a state of calm learning. Let go of the paralyzing, stressing idea of perfectionism.

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Once you buy into being aware and put the awareness into practice, you become empowered - which is the highest form of power/control there is - internal rather than external; control of self rather than control of others. When we are in control mode, our forced control over the others backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive). When we give up control techniques we are in a much greater position to influence the offender to the positive.

Getting Even

No one likes being treated unfairly. Holding on to negative memories, as Author Eknah Easwaran suggests, “crowd together and form a mob”. This mob-like mentality contributes to resentment as well as unkind behavior. All-too-often the response and outcome is one of the following:

Natural Response and Unintended Consequences
Get even - Does not even the score/offense and makes you just as bad as
Revenge - Injures another and puts you below him and eventually destroys you
Hate - Puts you below your enemy and boomerangs onto you.
Ignore - Gives you a one-upmanship attitude of arrogance and self-righteousness.
Pity - Victimization. Sets you up to be used and abused again and again.

Aretha Franklin sang, “What the world needs now, is love, sweet, love. That’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.” Certainly a show of love to an offender is to forgive. To ‘get even” in a way that is beneficial for offended and offender.

Supernatural Response and Result
Forgive - Sets you free. Releases the offender to see his/her wrongs and allows for needed restitution

Why not take the high road to getting even? Rather than focusing on the perpetrator’s shortcomings, choose to think back on his/her good qualities. Acknowledge that everyone is flawed and fabulous; the offender as well as yourself. The idea is to literally change one thought for another thought.

Just as a carpenter uses a smaller nail to drive out a large one, so too we can use a positive thought to drive out a negative one. Take a step beyond positive thinking to re-thinking our common humanity. Take one’s self out of the middle of the conflict and become an objective observer that sees pluses and minuses on both sides. And graciously give the benefit of the doubt.

This strategy may take practice and I think you will find it well worth the effort.

Here’s a hint: Switch your verbiage from “It’s so hard” to “It’s not easy”. Say those two phrases out loud and monitor your body’s response. Seeing it as “so hard” tenses for the difficult, whereas “it’s not easy” relaxes and seems doable.

Set a mental watch to be aware of your thoughts. When you start to slide into old patterns, early awareness keeps you from going all the way back to square one. Eventually, ‘square one’ gets closer; say, ‘square 9’! And all your relationships are more harmonious.

Note: This approach has broad applications – to yourself, others in generals, to those in particular, to your problems, to your work, to health, to the world as a whole…. You get the idea. And may your song of love be sweet.

Living the Lord's Prayer: Forgiving and Being Forgiven

You know the passage. “And forgive us our debts; for we also forgive everyone that is indebted to us.”

This is part two of And God Remembered Noah. Last month I reviewed a conference in which Linda Crawford was the main speaker (our own Anchor Publisher). It was an excellent combination of entertainment and friends and worship and singing and fun. And catharsis.

Linda’s asked us to call to mind a particular person where forgiveness was needed and to address this issue through completing a pre-printed fill-in-the-blank letter - not to send to the individual; but to lay at the foot of the cross.

Some things present a real conundrum. We think we have forgiven someone “indebted to us” yet continue to have hard feelings toward the offender. Or to hold ill will?

And what’s more, even though we want to believe that we know that God has forgiven us for whatever we did or did not do, we retain an ongoing guilty feeling of being unforgiven.

Fact is a fact regardless if we believe it or not. The fact is that God, in his nature of pure love, forgives us whether we ask him to or not. In his forgiving nature he woos us to himself for healing.

Feelings, on the other hand, can be factual but more often than not our feelings are fleeting and fickle and just plain false. Forgiving and being forgiven are deep-rooted issues.

There are matters I have acknowledged and chosen to forgive and have found complete freedom and peace. There are other areas where – even though the prayer and the choice were made - the layering of hurt goes all the way to the core. The wound still lingers. And I often do not even know it.

One of the phrases in Linda’s fill-in-the-blank letter hit a sore spot. "I only wanted to hear you say..."

That thought remained with me days later.

Since I think and pray best at a keyboard, I sat down at my computer and began to name those people who had hurt me. I realized that what I had wanted to hear – but didn’t - was what was keeping the puss pocket in my wounded spirit.

I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me.

I wanted to hear you say you understood.

I wanted you to acknowledge that you remembered what you did.

God is intimately involved in our individual story. As we prayerfully reenter into the haunting event, he comes alongside to do a job on you. What job; the job of transforming us through forming his mind within us (Phil. 2:5).

He heals our wounded childish psychic by silently whispering, “I AM proud of you.”

He restores our remorseful heart by fully and completely understanding our point of view and motive whether we were right or wrong, good or bad.

He mends disconnect by affirming, “I remember what happened to you and I love you regardless.”

Every cell in our body knows truth and longs for it. It is okay to have your needs met. If not met earlier, then now is the perfect time.

What are some things you have needed to hear?

I’m so glad you were born.

I am so happy you are a girl.

I am so happy you are a boy.

You are perfect just the way you are.

Don’t try so hard. You'll get it.

It’s okay to have a down day.

You’re doing a good job.

It hurts when you are overlooked, doesn’t it.

I cannot explain how God talks to us inside our head, but somehow we sense his presence and he presents possible solutions and there is clarity of thought and struggles calm down and peace reigns.

Maybe he speaks to us through his inaudible love language of forgiveness.

Agreement vs. Appeasement

Have you ever been guilty of agreeing when you did not really agree only to be caught up in a conundrum?  Then, because the non-agreement was not a contract – it was just a front to avoid the unpleasantness - you went on your merry way doing whatever you chose?  And it backfired on you?  It damaged your credibility? It cast doubt on your ethics? It may have even done damage to the relationship? You were called to task for not acting on your pseudo-agreement?  You find yourself stuck in excuses and rationalization and justification?   

 

“Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott

 

One may think that agreeing to appease makes things easier, but does it really? It may pacify for today, but what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or ten years down the road? Does mollifying place strain on the relationship? Is each non-truthful act another blow to the dividing wedge?

 

What will continue conciliating do for your health - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

 

Stuck is when you keep moving and it’s time to be still. That rubbing movement causes friction that leads to provocation, the very thing your false agreement was trying to avoid.

 

In a moment of stillness, consider the hard truth that no one likes to be pacified. You do not like it. S/he does not like it. Although we absolutely cannot read another’s mind, yet there is something mystical about knowingly/unknowingly discerning what is truth or lie.

 

You perceive legitimacy/falsehood in others. They perceive legitimacy/falsehood in you.

 

The current moment is attached to all your future moments. Make them ring true.

 

Think with the mind and know with the heart. Be proactive by deciding in advance how you will response when the faithfulness of life and relationships presents this scenario again. Decide your truth beforehand. Not for a canned or condescending reply, but for comfort and flow.

 

Sometimes a person will “agree” with an aggressor as a way of stopping communication. Take a moment to dialogue with yourself to find your truth then verbalize it rather than deflect. If your agreement is not true, summons the courage to speak your truth in love. “I think I understand where you are coming and I do not agree.”  “It is alright with me if you fill-in-the-blank and I choose not to be a part.” Note that a simple “and” instead of a “but” softens a descending comment. 

 

See the value in the relationship. As you work to repair the damage, respect will bloom again. 

 

Need a speaker?  Need a Life-Coach? Contact Mona at mona@monadunkin.com 

Developing a Spending Plan

 “A budget feels like a diet. It curtails your freedom. But with a spending plan, the choices are yours.”

Deena Katz Moral

1. Determine monthly income. Income is the money you bring in on a consistent basis and includes, but is not limited to, the following: regular income from primary job(s), regular overtime, tips, public assistance, child support, pension, social security, disability, commissions, bonuses, etc. If some of the regular income is flexible, choose a smaller amount but do include it in the total.

2. Determine monthly expenses. Expenses are things you spend money on/for and includes housing (rent/mortgage), utilities, telephone, car payment(s), car repair and maintenance, gasoline and oil, insurance, medicals, groceries, eating out, clothing, snack items, doctor visits, pet supplies, etc. Include small expenditures as well as large ones.

Calculate yearly car repairs and maintenance (gas/oil/washes) and divide by twelve to arrive at the monthly expense. Do this on other items also that are not spent on a given date, such as groceries and clothing. Relegate the new school clothes purchases to a monthly expense. This way you will not be caught unawares and be in crunch time.

3. Know where your money goes. For the next two months, record all of your purchases. Record what you bought, the amount, the date and time, whether you used cash, check/debit or charge card, and your emotions at the moment.

Note the impulse buys. Become aware of emotional purchases. Buying to feel good is a temporary false fix and makes you feel worse in the long run. Think and reason before buying. Remember, stuff does not bring happiness.

4. Look at other expenses and rank them in order of importance to you. Are you spending too much on fast foods? Where are you wasting money? “Don’t worry that you’re going to lose your dignity. Engrave this motto on your mind, ‘Wherever I am, whatever I do, there is a way to do it for less’.” Mary Hunt

5. All successful spending plans require trade-offs. When you determine your core values and have something worth sacrificing for, it transcends the situation and sacrifice is not a sacrifice. “I choose to live within my budget; I will buy cool aid instead of more expensive soft drinks.” “We can rent movies rather than going to the movie house.” “I choose to live within my budget, so we can do without cable for a while.”

6. All successful spending plans require trade-offs. When you determine your core values and have something worth sacrificing for, it transcends the situation and sacrifice is not a sacrifice. “I choose to live within my budget; I will buy cool aid instead of more expensive soft drinks.” “We can rent movies rather than going to the movie house.” “I choose to live within my budget, so we can do without cable for a while.” Give up about keeping up with the neighbors. Make relationships more important than stuff.

7. Discipline yourself to paying by cash, debit card, or check. If the money is not in the bank, do not stress yourself by extending credit.

8. Limit yourself to one credit card and pay the balance each month. If you have existing credit card debt, pay off the high interest cards first, then use the extra amount to reduce the next highest, etc. This is also an excellent strategy to apply to reducing mortgage and car loans.

Here is a formula for financial success:   Income - Outgo = Zero

If you do not tell your money where to go, you will wonder where it went. Look at every penny that comes in and determine where it will go - giving, saving, living.

Thanks Be To God

Life is filled with tension. What to do, not to do? What is too much, not enough? Knowing, not knowing, not caring. Emotional highs and lows and joys and disappointments – all at the same time.

Thank be to God for this Holy Easter Holiday that teaches us to die to live.

At the risk of being self-righteous, I share my Lenten sacrifice. This is a first for me. I am sad to say it had never seemed that important in preparation for Easter. How blind I have been. We must choose to be awake to receive the Son-rise.

At the risk of being petty, I choose to forgo the 2PM-4PM-half-price-drinks-run to Sonic. This is a habit I have fallen into that has taken on a life of its own. At 1:30 in the afternoon – I don’t want to miss it - my attention is drawn to the senses.

Everything is spiritual. How is it that denying the self can be as fulfilling as satisfying the self? Lent is not about the ego-self (edging God out) but the true-self (centering God in). Self-control is an essential part of the spiritual life. As the appetite is tamed the soul flourishes.

This iota of surrender is making an enormous shift in my thinking. My afternoon attention is being refocused from Dr. Pepper to the Great Physician. My thirst is being translated from soda pop to Living Waters. And in the process every sense is becoming sharper. God’s silence speaks volumes and my stillness listens and my wisdom heart hears.

How many times does God speak and we do not hear for our spiritual ear is dulled by the illusionary pleasures and pains of life? In The Liturgical Year, Sister Joan Chittister relates the story of a disciple who heard a voice calling, “Who is there?” Sensing a holy moment, she replied, “It is I, Lord.” But there was only silence.

Years later she again heard the voice and again she answered, “It is I, Lord. It is I.” But there was only silence.

In later years, the voice called a third time, “Who is there?”

This time she answered, “It is You, Lord, only You.”

Apostle Paul expressed it as decreasing so that God might increase. Diane Bardwell sings, “Ever dying into You am I, until there is only You.”

Living, dying; growing, overcoming, it's all, "Thanks be to God." 

mona@monadunkin.com

Forgiveness: You and the Past

 

How can something from the past continue to be so hurtful?

It continues to be hurtful because it is not really over. Even though it may have happened weeks or years ago - if it has not been settled in your mind and heart and emotions - then it is still a fresh wound today. You are reliving yesterday today. The burr is still there. Although the person may be gone - through separation, divorce or death - the unfinished business looms in your present-day reality.

 

Why is it so difficult to be willing to forgive? Could it be the mistaken idea that to forgive the offender lets him off the hook?  Choosing to forgive lets you off the hook of being the one who is responsible for his punishment. Choosing to forgive is giving all consequences to a higher authority - civic, federal, God. Giving the judgment phase to a higher authority may include your reporting and testifying.

 

Some feel guilty because - having proclaimed forgiveness - the memory and the pain linger. There are some offenses that, although forgiven, would be egregious to forget. There are some offenses that, once forgiven, are no longer worth remembering.   

 

My mom had been deceased six years before I made my peace with her. The reasons for my wounds are irrelevant. I had held on to them so they were still fresh. They were also affecting my current relationships. 

 

Psychologists say that our raw emotions react to someone. What we don’t know is that the person against whom we are reacting is - in reality - a mirror reflecting us to us.  The tender spot is trying to awaken us to something we have done (present or past; deed or thought) to someone. This nightmarish insight is our friend. It is a manifestation of something within us that has come to show us what we are like so we can take care of it. So we can make friends with our humanness. So we can be healed.

 

Are there some things you wish you could move past? Allow the pain to remind you that your evolution isn’t finished yet. That you are being call to a place of offering forgiveness so you can find healing.

 

There are two types of guilty people.  There are the guilty who acknowledge their wrongs, make restitution, are forgiven, redeemed and are restored. There are the guilty that fail to see anything wrong with their actions. We all fall into this category.

 

Ho'oponopono is a beautiful Hawaiian prayer that helps one take personal responsibility for whatever shows up in life.  “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” 

 

“I’m sorry.” This expresses compassion for you. I am so sorry that while doing the best I could, something happened to hurt me and I created this reactionary behavior as a coping mechanism. I am so sorry this has become my default-handling-hurts position.

 

“Please forgive me.” Please forgive me for those whom I have hurt or harmed in thought, word or deed. Please forgive me for harboring unkindness and hurt toward those who have hurt or harmed me in thought, word or deed. Please forgive me for forgetting how much God loves me - and you. 

 

“I love you.” (This portion is directed mutually to you, to the offender and to all humanity.) I love you for being the person God is creating you to be. I love you for recognizing the need to explore this area for your continued growth. I love you for the gifts you are bringing to the world.

 

“Thank you.” Thank you for showing me that I am ready to release anger and unforgiveness. Thank you for the challenges that propel us to awaken to the beauty of the world and of people. Thank you that when I release me, I also release those who offend me so they, too, can be healed. 

 

It is easier to choose to forgive another when we receive the reality that we are forgiven and that we are loved and loveable.

Waiting for Christmas

December – the ending of the old year and awaiting the new-year; anticipating 2013 to be filled with new dreams, new goals and new hopes. Even while we celebrate newness, a new year means another birthday. We grow older but not necessarily wiser. We grow physically but not necessarily spiritually.

In the Christian tradition, December is the season of Advent. A time of waiting and a time of preparing ourselves to celebrate, not just the event of Christmas, but the revelation of God’s amazing love given to mankind in the simplicity of a babe in the manger.

“Let every heart prepare him room…” Isaac Watts, Joy to the World

Christmas makes innkeepers of all of us by asking us to make room for the King of kings.

In addition to “Joy to the World”, Isaac Watts (1674-1748) is credited with having written 750 hymns, scores that continue to be sung today and have been translated into many languages. The message of his lyrics is deep and mystical. It has been said of his work that “many know not the meaning of the words they sing.”

Advent is a time to consider the wisdom of the ages handled down in tradition and celebration. To see how the story of hope and joy and peace is played out in our holidays (holy days). It is a time to use outward preparation as a springboard to reflect on internal meaning and significance.

Listen to the words of our songs and the melody of our hearts for continuity.

It came without ribbons. It came without tags.

It came without packages, boxes or bags.

And he puzzled and puzzled ‘till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before.

“What if Christmas” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store?

What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?”

Dr. Seuss, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

Let us today make room for the true meaning of Christmas, by welcoming the Christ-child into our lives and our homes.

I took me awhile to warm to the idea of getting spiritually ready for Christmas. I hesitate to admit that I thought I was spiritually ready. Getting ready started the year I heeded the conviction to remove all secular reminders from my decorations, cards and speech. I gladly admit now that each season is a time to further ponder that Christmas “means a little bit more”.

Although there may still be much to do – cleaning, baking, decorating, gifting, celebrating – ‘Yes’ as a matter of fact I am ready for Christmas. At lease spiritually, which is, after all, what the season is about.

Let me hear from you. mona@solutionprinciples.com

Saying "No" Without Guilt

“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking that created them.”

Albert Einstein

Does the thought of saying “No” fill you with anxiety? That to turn down a request sets you up for guilty feelings? Do you think a “Yes” equates inclusion, importance, security, - love?

I remember distinctly learning this lesson many years ago. It has served me well ever since.

A friend in financial straits asked me to buy her stereo. Wanting to help, I obligated myself to the purchase. I failed to realize I was hurting me by obligating myself to financial stress.

I checked and double checked income verses outflow. I rationalized that although it would be difficult to pay, the melodious music would make it all worthwhile.

Reality dawned that the pain of having a huge chunk taken out of my next several paydays outweighed the pleasure of surround sound. In comparison, the stress of turning down a friend request was minimal

The decision was the hardest part.

Once the decision was made the weight lifted instantly. I could continue to live within my income. I had a new found appreciation for my radio. I could still listen to sweet music without the added expense of buying records. I felt so relieved. So non-guilty.

I said my “mea culpa” and recanted my agreement to purchase. We remained friends.

Through self-evaluation, my level of thinking had elevated to solving the problem. And a wonderful new pattern of living was set into motion. Namely:

· Life is about making choices: “Yes”; “No”; and owning up to misspeaks
· The freedom of saying “No” overrides and releases guilt
· Be judicious in making commitments; think it through first
· It is always need vs. need
· Do not be influenced by assumed obligation

A simple “No” or “No, thank you” is the most effective way to begin. It is complete, all-inclusive and leaves no room for argument.

Stress is living outside your boundaries. Rather than be suckered in with “I should” thinking, replace it with, “I could”. This small shift gives you time to evaluate before making a decision. Give yourself a little wiggle room with, “Let me check my calendar and get back with you”.

Feel good about saying “No” to things that tax your time, finances, emotional stability, commitments, family responsibilities or your over-all well being.

The Meaning of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

We often struggle with the idea of forgiving someone because the meaning of forgiveness is misunderstood. Forgiveness does not involve condoning the offense. Forgiving is a critical element in moving past the hurt so the transgression does not hold power over one’s life.

Forgiveness does not mean that the offender’s slate is wiped clean with no need of justice. It does mean that the dispensing of justice is out of your hands; that you are not the prosecutor, judge, jury and executioner. It is to give reckoning over to a higher power (administrative and spiritual).

To forgive does not mean forgetting. The hurt may be so deep it is emotionally and psychologically impossible to forget. An offense may be so egregious that even the thought of forgetting is equally offensive. No, not to forget, but to stop dwelling on, to quit rehashing the event and re-feeling the emotions; to stop nursing, rehearsing and cursing past wounds. It is to choose to put an end to the misuse of valuable time and fragile energy on unresolved issues; issues that are out of your hands.

To forgive is to choose to speak about the breach only to bring resolve or to receive wise counsel. It is to stop keeping the offense alive and growing alive by using it as a weapon. To do so keeps the wound open and engenders estrangement. Perhaps, in time, it is to look at the problem together for healing and growth; to build a bridge of understanding.

Forgiveness does not mean that trust is automatically restored. Trust is fragile and once broken takes work for restoration. Forgiveness lays the groundwork to give another change (within reason). After all, who has not made a promise and failed to follow through. Trusting takes a healthy dose of skeptical believing in self as well as in others. Rebuilding of trust involves talking about the infraction, giving and receiving forgiveness and making plans to prevent it from happening again. When someone repeatedly breaks trust you need to trust what that behavior is showing you.

Forgiveness is a calm, quiet decision to release you from self-destructive bitterness. It equips you to release a deceptive right to wrong someone for having hurt you; to rise above the unhealthy need for power of being right or getting even.

Forgiveness is an internal job spawned by a heavy heart that longs to be lighter. Forgiveness is a personal decision that can be given whether asked for or not. To forgive involves only one person - you; restoration requires two or more. Forgiveness means you recognize your own worth and value regardless of what another has done to you or said about you.

It takes courage to be an overcomer. Forgiveness is a profoundly deep spiritual experience. To forgive does not mean that what was done to you was okay, it does means you have been angry long enough. You are not letting the other person off the hook, you are setting self free.

Please let me hear from you. 

How To's of Meditation

Meditation is not another thing to do. It is an invitation to stop doing. It is an invitation to be true to you. Unfamiliar things seem strange, new things seems awkward and anything untried remains foreign. Here are suggestions for the practice of meditation.

Find a focal point. Concentrate on something constant and easily accessible - like your breath. Inhale deeply through your nose, taking the air all the way down into your diaphragm. Hold the breath for 2-3 seconds then exhale through pursed lips. This simple act promotes mindfulness of the moment. It releases the trauma of yesterday without rehearsing the tension of tomorrow. It also changes the chemical compounds in your body.

Picture it. We breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. Imagine the fresh oxygen circulating through every cell in your body picking up toxins and being released with an exhale. Put color into it. Breathe in relaxing blue and breathe out grey stress. Breathe in sunshine yellow and breathe out blackened depression. Direct the breath to an area of tension and – like WD40 – imaging it releasing the hold and setting free.

Find the secret place. The human condition regrets yesterday and worries about tomorrow, thus failing to live in the present. For a few minutes deliberately set aside the noise around you – people talking, the buzz of traffic, a ringing phone. For a few minutes deliberately set aside the noise inside you – the to-do list, the looming deadline, the guilt. Go inside yourself; to your interior. Go to the God-spot within you, the one placed there at the moment of your conception.

Melt tension. Meditation has been clinically proven to reduce levels of cortisol in the body. Cortisol is the culprit that holds negative stress in the body. It is the “fight-flight” chemical that keeps one revved up, unable to flow. Cortisol is also the hormone attributed to “cravings” as well as the storage of food into belly fat.

Discover serenity. Meditation has been shown in studies to decrease stress and increase production of endorphins, the brain’s “happy drug”. When endorphins are activated through quiet reflection a spirit of thankfulness overtakes stress; an over-all-good feeling settles in.

Become wholly integrated. We are a composite whole and cannot divide ourselves from ourselves. Through consistence practice of meditation the mind’s irrational rationalizations and judgmental justifications begin to slip away and truth becomes real. You made an unwise decision, you are not stupid. It is a difficult situation, it is not horrible. He made a bad choice, he is not the devil personified. She was harsh, she is not evil incarnate. With frequent times of quiet reflection, the mind chatter is calmed. You learn to just be, and that is enough. You learn to let frustrations float away.

As with exercise and healthy eating, meditation results are not as immediate as one might wish but they do work. And it is well worth the effort; paying off like compound interest.

Invite Mona to speak to your group. Whether business, organizational, civic or faith-based, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged by her gift of uncommon insights ad motivated by her thought provoking poems. mona@solutionprinciples.com