It's Just a Thought

You are going through your day when something triggers a stream of disagreeable thoughts – anger, resentment, lack, criticism, fear –or the thoughts as easily could be pining for reconciliation, preparing for an upcoming event, or taming a  huge to-do-list. 

How do you handle it?  Do you go to a dark place? Would you like to see things differently? Would you like to identify, re-frame, resolve, and smile as you go on your productive way?

More than likely, the critical thought is something you had pushed down, maybe in fear of not knowing what to do, or dread of how long I twill take, or to abandon completely. Your creative mind brings it back to your right now conscious thinking so you can be accountable.  Thoughts becomes negative and stress producing when discounted.  

What to do?    

Stop Immediately. Pause. Breath. Talk yourself down.  Beating yourself up does absolutely no good plus it compounds your stress. Gently acknowledge the thought.  Talk to the thoughts.  “Thank you for reminding me of this pressing issue.”  “I can handle this.” “I’ll take the high road.”  “I’ll do what I can to preserve this relationship.”

Know that your Creative Mind listens in on your self-talk and gently asks, “How can I help you with that?”  In that moment of pause, allow your brain chemist to organically drop calming chemicals into your system. Relax as you take pen and paper to jot down positive loving ideas as to what, when and how.  You just gave your creativity a task to decipher.   

“The faintest ink is better than the most retentive memory.” Mary Kay Ash

Get back to the business at hand while trusting and allowing your creative mind and wisdom heart to problem solve for you. 

Next time you think you have been misunderstood, violated, have a huge to-do-list – or whatever it is you want to fix - check and see if the sky has turned cloudy or the sun has stopped shinning.  If not, you will probably make it through this.  Do not allow yourself to fall down the Alice in Wonderland Rabbit Hole.  Lewis Carroll wrote, “She (Alice) generally gave herself very good advice (though she seldom followed it.)”

Give and follow your wisdom heart.  When those shoved down thoughts jettison you into the RIGHT NOW. give yourself another thought. A calmer thought.  A saner thought.  A healthier thought.

DON’T COPE. OVERCOME.  Think about these things. 

·      Give yourself room to grow
·       Take yourself out of the middle
·       Witness you from a balcony position – not to look down on, but to see all sides with more clarity
·       Be aware of negative identity thoughts and reframe – “I’m learning.” “I used to think that way.”
·       Know that you are enough - you are enough, you have enough, you do enough. Be okay with that.  
·       Find a way to be kind and accept regardless of rather than because of – as is, warts and all
·       Find an honorable way to release your ideal caricature expectation 
·       Respect without dismissing, ignoring, or trying to change another’s quirks
·       Be willing to make reasonable concessions
·       Develop communication skills of speaking your truth as well as listening to understand
·       Become aware how you may be demoralizing another to make yourself look good
·       Know that being “right” gains nothing and deepens the separation

Reprogramming the Stressed Mind

We think in pictures whether aware of it or not. Whatever is manifested in the mind, the body mechanisms go into effect to bring it into reality. For example, when you want to raise from a chair the brain takes that mind-picture and releases chemicals for the body to comply, thus muscles contract and energy is released to propel upward movement. 

The mind body connection. The mind does not know the difference from what is perceived and what is reality. The body adjusts to perception. Suppose you are frightened of tarantulas and some prankster throws one on you. After you scream, run or possibly recover from a faint, you discover the spider is rubber. Your body responded according to what your mind perceived.

Belief drives behavior. Behavior consists of the thoughts one thinks, the actions taken, the emotions felt and the way the body responds. These four components work in tandem and cannot be separated one from the other. When the conscious mind is continually engaged in fighting for one’s rights or in running away from circumstances, the body remains in a constant state of stress.

Take inventory of your negative beliefs.  Listen to your self-talk. If it is filled with statements such as "I can't" or "I don't have", or “I’m not worthy of”, then you have limiting beliefs that render stress in the body. Why is the body stressed? Because deep down inside the unconscious mind knows the reality of “You can”, “Resources are available to you” and “You have so much worth and value and are deserving of good things.”

Awareness does not change habits. Information enlightens but does not necessarily heal. It takes calm reflection for insights to sink in and take root, thereby blooming into peace and healthier relationships. Choose to sit quietly for a few minutes each day. Take in a deep breath and hold for three seconds, focus on sending the oxygen to the tense muscles. Slowly release your breath and feel the tension leaving your body.  Take in another deep life-giving breath and see it as the self-evident reality that you matter. Hold the breath for three seconds as an embrace of thanksgiving for your life. Slowly exhale through pursed lips and deliberately force out negative programming.

The mind cannot hold two opposing ideas at the same time. That is why arguing with you over pros and cons “drives you crazy”. You are not concluding but are going around and around in dizzying circles. Take inventory of your many abilities and resources. Deliberately focus on what abundance you do have. It is interesting how things change when you change.

For all your speaking and training needs, contact Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, 254-749-6594 

Reflections on Our Fifty Years Together

In an otherwise bleak February there shines a bright spot where we as a nation celebrate love. During this Valentine’s season, may your heart be filled with love and compassion for all humanity, yourself included.
They say ‘love is blind’ but I’m not so sure. In reflection on our beginning 50 years ago, I saw Garland’s flaws. I just choose to overlook them. His quirks were just that – quirks - they weren’t big enough to detract from his being loveable. Not until they kept happening over and over. And no matter how hard I tried, he would not be fixed. Actually, neither would I. Guess that is part of our wonderful – yet dangerous – gift of a free will. Adjustment time. I had to ask and answer some hard questions.

Attraction plays a large part in getting a couple together but attraction will not keep a couple together. Staying together takes the maturity of one fabulous and flawed individual getting along reasonably well with another fabulous and flawed individual. It requires patience, long-suffering, forgiveness, fun, commitment, history, grace, respect, cooperation, loyalty – all the finer ingredients of love. Love is about giving and receiving, never taking. Love for the long haul needs to remain a little blind.

I am humbled by Garland’s love. When I am honest with myself I know what I can be like. And yet, he stays with me. We love each other in spite of as well as because of. Garland’s strength offset my shortcomings and my strength offset his shortcomings, which works for the good of the whole. That is when we work with it rather than oppose it. Being rubbed the wrong way helps to smooth out rough edges and perfect strengths.

So what’s the formula? Make love last by knowing that God, the Master Matchmaker, had a hand in getting you together. Also know that an individual’s free will is a major factor in staying together – and in liking it. Choice is a big deal in liking your mate and in being thankful for your relationship. See his worth and value beyond the everyday irritants. Lovingly overlook those continuing quirks that you’ve unsuccessfully tried to change (think Edith and Archie Bunker). Negotiate. Get along anyway. Choose to love. Know that giving and receiving is a two-way street; keep the pavement smooth.

However our paths have crossed, thanks for your blessings and well wishes. Your friendship has made our journey sweeter. Thank you for reading my blog or books. I appreciate the opportunity to share with you my insights for peaceful living. Take any of the ideas that may touch your heart and make them your own.

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles. www.monadunkin.com To schedule training or life coaching contact Mona at monadunkin@gmail.com or 254-749-6594.

An Attitude Shift

In Science 101 we learned the structure of atoms. The nucleus of the atom contains a mix of positively charged protons along side of neutrally charged neutrons. Surrounding the nucleus of the atom is a cloud of negatively charged electrons.

Everything inside the nucleus of the atom is positive or neutral. Everything swirling around the nucleus of the atom is negative. I suggest the core of our God-given humanity is to be positive or neutral. But, like the atom, the world-swirl surrounding us is negatively charged.

The negatively charged electrons affect the structure of things. Science continually discovers new mysteries of the atom; seeing as true things never imagined (i.e. an atom can occupy two spaces at the same time).

Insight is a mysterious function that makes a huge difference in the way we view things. Insight can transform the negative into neutral or positive. Insight gives meaning in the midst of the negative swirl of life.

You are not as unhappy as you might think you are. You are in charge of your own happiness. Trying to parlay it to others is futile – as in expecting someone else to make you happy. They can contribute to your enjoyment of life, but you alone make yourself happy. It is done through finding inner joy even in the midst of difficulties.

Not all my needs have gone unmet. From the day of my birth until this present moment I have been surrounded by love (whether I recognized it or not). I have been nurtured and cared for. I (we) have had adequate - actually more than adequate - food, shelter, protection, supplies, money; the things we often mistake as necessities of life. How about you? Are your needs as unmet as your down-days project?

All we can give or receive is information. Receive information at face value without construing hidden agendas. Only give information that is truthful, respectful and for the good of all.

It is okay to not know. We are finite individuals and the scope of information is unfathomable. The more we learn about humanity, technology, space, minerals and on and on the greater the knowledge disparity grows. Over and above what we know is the expanse of our imaginations.

Choose to not be offended by disagreements. In any given exchange one brings to the table the totality of his life experiences. Are there UFO’s? What about life after death? How did they build the pyramids? There are too many variables – real and imagined - to be upset by one’s slant of the subject. Regardless of the view taken, his worth as a human being is neither diminished nor added to. When one is right or wrong, that is all s/he gets to be (not superior or inferior).

Be open to life. In childlike wonder embrace shifts with “Oh, yeah, I don’t know why I didn’t see that before?” Epiphany is an intuitive leap of understanding brought about through ordinary but striking occurrence. Epiphany is the awareness of the Divine at work in and through the mundane of life.

The law of gravity holds sway over all of us. Drag is the force that opposes movement through water or holds you down from jumping. It takes lift and thrust to overcome pull and drag. Not only can it be triumphed in aviation but also in our thinking.

Have a shift in attitude by attending Take Charge of Your Life Seminar at Central Texas College, Killeen, TX.  Take Charge of Your Life, Fall 2016, Page 6

Blueprint for Success

We are on the downhill slide of 2016, so let's revamp our goals to make this our best year yet. To do so we must take action step. How? Set goals that motivate and inspire. Be specific. Generalized statements leads to self-deception. The person whose intention is to become more successful and does not lay concrete steps for accomplishment, sets himself up to be deceived. Saying it but not making plans for attainment causes one to falsely think “I am accomplishing my goal” as there is no guidelines by which to measure results.

1. Plan to Change and to Keep on Changing. In our instant society, we want things to happen immediately. Get real. Learning and living new attitudes, actions, and skills take time to develop. But it does not have to take forever. If you do not start, you will never change. You do it by doing it. You stop by stopping. It is that simple. And that complex.

2. Draw a Mental Picture of Who You Want To Become. See yourself as being thinner and healthier. Visualize yourself being assertive and developing healthy relationships. Picture yourself disciplined and successful. Feel how good it is to live within your income, and to become more open, honest and genuine. See yourself as drug free and high on life, not substances.

3. Determine where you are now. What are your values? What are your dreams? What are your strengths? Weaknesses? Do you have an accurate knowledge of your capabilities? What are your expectations of yourself? Of others? Can you receive feedback and open communication?

4. Determine your course of action. Determination without plans is fantasy. What do you need from outside yourself? Whose advice do you need to seek? Who has done this before you that can lend support? What change in thinking needs to be addressed? What needs may arise in the future? What are my short, mid, and long-term goals? How can I determine ways to assess staying on target? To whom will I be accountable? What are your plans for handling the down times?

5. Take an attitude check. A goal must include personality change. You do not attract what you want, but what you are. Change is the most imperative price for success and yet the main reason for failure. You must know that you can change. If you are not willing to change, you can’t expect things to get better. Only man shackles himself. Change comes not with words, but with attitude.

6. BEGIN. You start by starting; the greatest determination will never work without action.

7. Expect problems. Motion causes friction. Learn to adjust and refocus. Know the difference between a set back and a defeat. Two steps forward and one step back will still get you to your goal. If a thought or attitude tries to overtake you, you do not have to wait until “tomorrow” to correct it. Get up immediately as soon as you falter. Know that one slip is just that, a slip, not a total failure. Get up, brush yourself off and start over.

8. Focus on successes. Catch yourself doing something right and give yourself an “Atta girl” or an “Atta boy”. Stop for a moment and revel in the feeling of the success. See yourself doing the right things over and over until they become second nature.

Give yourself room to grow. Allow acceptance time and become comfortable with your changes and the resolves will become permanent.

Get Rid of 'Stinkin Thinkin'

Getting rid of Stinkin Thinkin is a battle that is fought and won in the mind; then attitudes and actions obediently follow. Right thinking produces effective health and happiness.

• Take care of the anger in the mind and you do not have to worry about damage repair later.
• Take care of prejudicial thoughts in the mind and you do not have to worry about being tolerant of others.
• Take care of lust in the mind and you do not have to worry about torn lives resulting from an affair.
• Take care of honesty in the mind and you do not have to worry about being found out.

Here are five inane thoughts that can cause us to perpetuate anger and co-dependency.

1. I have to take what life hands me. I am incapable of making other choices.

Wrong! There is a multitude of options available to most problems and at least one other option to the most stringent. The greatest choice is your attitude. Put your thinking cap on. Get input (not advice) from others, then make your own decisions. But make decisions you can live with, not something you will have to “exist with” the remainder of your life.

2. If this is wrong, God will stop me.

Do not give God credit for human choices. believe it or not, God never says "Yes" or "No". We have simply been given a free which God will not coerce. If your credit is the least bit workable, the bank (or furniture loan company) will give you the money, even if it makes an extreme hardship on your budget. If you persist in a harmful relationship, a marriage license will be issued, even if the situation turns abusive.

3. To stop being angry will wipe the offender's slate clean.

Forgiveness does not dismiss the injustices done against you, forgiveness does release you to live and laugh again. To forgive is to release you from being prosecutor, judge, jury and hangman. It is to put the offense into the hands of the proper authorities, whether that be civic, civil, federal or divine.

4. I am so extremely unique that rules of life do not apply to me and my special situation.

This is a very self-righteous attitude. It is irrational beliefs that usually begins with an attitude of “What do you mean?” “What do you mean, don’t drink and drive, I can handle my liquor and a car.” Rules do apply and do effect us, even if occasionally we seem to get-by with breaking one.

5. I am responsible for the happiness of others.

Nope. No one can make you happy or content – it is always a choice. You cannot make another happy or content. Your actions and attitudes may lend to it, but does not cause it.

Learn to live and let live. Learn to have a balanced view of life and people which puts you in effective control.

Call Mona Dunkin to conduct people skills classes for you and your employees.

2016 and Time to Take Charge of Your Life

Consider this: You personally have an internal force driving you to succeed. You have a heat-sensing mechanism that pulls you like a moth to a flame. Everything you do is actually your choice.

I love ironies. How fitting (?) that in the dead of winter’s cold and bleakness, we human beings are spurred to look beyond the immediate and project a better tomorrow.

Ah, the unyielding spirit of mankind. We have internal drives that push us to tackle another mountain or face another day or simply breathe another breath. These forces are internal and are not controlled by external powers, people or past experiences.

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Choice Theory Psychology, states that all human beings are motivated by five genetic instructions:

1. Survival or self-preservation (the need to have a full tummy and be safe)
2. Belonging (the need to fit in; to love and be loved)
3. Power or achievement (the need to be the winner or the first or the best; or at least not lose)
4. Freedom or independence (don’t tell me what to do!)
5. Fun or enjoying (the need for pleasure and entertainment)

These needs are universal. All seven-plus billion being currently living on planet earth, all those that ever have lived and all those that ever will live – all have these five needs. All have the same needs, just different expressions of getting the need fulfilled. We all eat. Universal tastes and menus are mucho varied.

Even though DNA has previously been said to mean “Do Not Alter”, the science of epigenetic are proving otherwise. Not alter in its entirety – the survival instruction is still there to keep you alive – but – through training - may be modified to cooperate rather than to dominate. The pleasure need never goes away. Through discipline and counsel, the obese can slim down, the addict can be restored to sanity and the perverse can live well behaved.

This is nothing new. People have been changing up or down the spectrum from time immortal. What is relatively new is a simplified correction course pioneered by Dr. William Glasser:

Choice Theory Psychology - everything we do is a choice (whether we are conscious of it or not
Take Charge of Your Life strategies - easy to learn, easy to apply and with amazing results
Reality Therapy method of counsel and self-evaluation

We can take charge of our own life by listening to and heeding our own wisdom heart. By becoming aware of our genetic instructions and how they may have run amok. By realizing we are choosing every action we take and re-think, thus reprogramming and reinventing ourselves – becoming our best self.

“Whether you think you can or think you think you can’t -- you’re right.”

Henry Ford, Founder of Ford Motor Company

Ah, yes, the unyielding spirit of mankind. I like to look at Spirituality as being a sixth need, thus making our internal motivators a purring six-cylinder. Spirituality (the need to connect to the invisible; Divinity, dreams, goals, generations past, generations future and mysteries of life.

May 2016 be your best year yet as you courageously take charge of our life.

http://glassersunbelt.com

Being Hospitable

Using our words is one way in which we communicate.

We think in pictures; if you do not get the picture, you do not get the concept. Words paint pictures. Words develop meaning based on their use.

What image do you conceive when you hear the word hospitality. Does it conjure up a welcoming atmosphere amid friendly faces with caring service? What about the word travel? Do you see adventure and excitement?

Words are alive and grow and change and become obsolete. Hospitality is derived from two Latin words: “hostis”, which originally meant ‘stranger’, and took on the meaning of enemy or “hostile stranger”, and “polis” meaning “equalizing power”. Travel comes from the word “travail” meaning pain, anguish and torture.

In olden days travel was difficult, going by foot, camel, or caravan. The communities were wide spread and outsiders were seen as hostile – marauding, pillaging, raiding and looting. Prosperous community members would go out to meet the approaching foreigners offering food and respite. This show of kindness had an equalizing power. Only after the stranger was made to feel comfortable would he be asked his name and mission.

Hospitality also has the idea of protection and guidance. Hospitality is about compensating/equalizing a stranger (host) with a stranger (hostis-guest) by making him feel protected and taken care of and guiding him to his next destination. Hospitality is based on an individual’s felt sense of duty to family and community.

Each time you feel negative, stop, acknowledge that thought and deliberately dismiss it. Or at least reframe it. Look deeply to find the root of your emotion and consciously replace it with the greater truth of your potential. This practice is profoundly spiritual and life changing. Use it. Embrace it.

Incidentally, How could our travels become more pleasant as we extend hospitality to other road-travelers - even to the guy in the right hand land that does not turn right.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER? One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com

Accidental Grace or Clumsiness

You have had times when life flows effortlessly. When all the pieces fit together? A plethora of events - including people and places - collide for accidental grace.

Or an accidental mishap? When something negative happens that we did not knowingly choose it is often labeled as an accident. It may seem to have ‘just happened’ but in truth all the conditions were met.

All accidents, happy or otherwise, are intentional.

Events are intentional even though we may loudly protest that we did not intend to… (fill in the blank).

And that is the crust of the problem. All accidents, positive or negative, are life displaying itself by design or default.

Can we set ourselves up to lean toward grace? To be accident-prone toward happy outcomes?

Yes! It’s called by a number of names like meditation, self-evaluation or living in the now. Life becomes more gracious when we live on purpose. When we let ourselves know that we are making the choice to do or not to do.

As in, choosing to drive distracted and thereby greatly increasing a wreck outcome. (Note: A wreck is a by-product of reckless driving – or living.)

Embrace the act of being aware of what you do and taking full responsible for the outcome of such action. And not just every now and then.

The proof is in the practice. Neuroscience says we can build new pathways in our brain that will reroute our thinking and become our new default position thus eliminating old habits of thought and action.

You can cultivate the habit of being fully present and mindful and engaged and happier. Practice until it becomes habit. Practice - like the habit of brushing your teeth – where you feel fuzzy until you meditate. Practice until a new supersonic highway bridge is built over the old reactive turbulence.

That is not to say that others are not contributors; but it is to acknowledge that you have no control over the part they play. It is to say that you will lean toward positive influence as you interact with clarity, grace and calm.

Every area of your life benefits – relationships, work, health – everything is enhanced through meditative self-evaluation and conscious decision making.

Go on. Not only is the proof in the practice but also practice makes permanent.

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. mona@monadunkin.com

Simple, but Not Easy

A Reader writes: 

I read your blog article, “Ask, Don’t Tell”. I have struggled over the years in trying to "ask" rather than "tell" my Mom about our private issues. It's not easy when you don't know what to say or how it will affect the relationships you care about so much. I will re-visit some of your questions so I can get a few rehearsed if the opportunity arises again where I can ask my mother questions rather than tell. Frustrated Daughter.

Here is my reply to Frustrated Daughter: It may apply to you also...

My heart goes out to you.  Many things in life look simple and sound simple but are not so easy to put into practice. Although the guidelines I give are based on personal experiences in overcoming difficulties in relationships, they are based on the principles of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory.

Choice Theory states that the only person we can control is our self and that everything we do is our best attempt at the moment to meet an internally motivated need.  If that theory is true for you, it is also true for your Mom.

Human nature wants to be acknowledged and understood right or wrong.  It is difficult to understand where another is coming from when we really do not understand ourselves.  Repairing a relationship takes personal self-evaluation as well as developing the fineness of helping another to self-evaluate. 

In Einstein's Theory of Relativity, his third supposition is “an entity flowing in successful relationship, to a passive observer appears to have happened with little or no effort.” 

In other words, it takes work. Healthy relationships do not just happen. Readers often question their ability to handle things differently, or doubt that if their approach is changed the opposing person will respond.  Perspectives can change, and in so doing, behavior softens and relationships improve. 

the questions are not to grill or for an immediate response. Rather, the key is learning to ask thought-producing questions that allows the individual to self-evaluation. The same is true in learning to make thought provoking comments to another and leaving the results with them.

It all goes back to attitude and the intent behind the communication.  The attitude projected in asking questions, is it to accuse or to evoke one to self-evaluate? The attitude in giving feedback; is it to declare a position or to give one room to grow? 

 Monitor your attitude reflected when receiving return questions or feedback, is it one of consideration or defense?

When input is given with a “take it or leave it” stance, the receiver is more likely to be receptive. In turn, receive their acceptance or rejection without taking it personally. Relationship must be more important than being right. 

Whether received or rejected, continue to value the one you are attempting to relate to.  Whether received or rejected, set and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself. 

Don’t cope. Overcome.  The more you employ these simple concepts, the easier relationships become – building or repairing.  To a passive observer, they will appear “to have happened with little or no effort.”              

 Need a speaker? Contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com. Learn more. attend Reality Therapy seminar...

The late Dr William Glasser founded Reality Therapy Psychology. Reality Therapy teaches one to effectively face reality and to fulfill needs within that rea-ity. Regardless of what has happened in the past, every problem is a current problem as each person is living and making choices in the here and now. Counselors, psychologists, social workers and educators enthusiastically welcome his work and implement it in schools, clinics and correctional institutions.

You will learn: What you can and cannot control Resolve conflict in self and with others Create optimal environment for change Effective relationship habits Transfer skills into all aspect of life

January 23-25, 2015 at the Indigo Hotel in Waco, TX.  For more information e-mail me at mona@monadunkin.com or call 254-749-6594. 

Habitual Emotions

One’s behavior seems automatic. It is hard to believe –consciously or unconsciously, by purpose or default – that you chose it. Repeated behavior becomes habit. Habit takes on a life of its own and seems innate; that you just can’t help it – that that is just the way you are. When confronted by a negative attitude or action one may rationalize, “Everybody’s that way.”

Being pleasant and thankful when things go your way is a habit you taught yourself. So is being disagreeable and unappreciative when things do not go your way. Being agreeable or disagreeable both are habits you taught yourself and they habitually surface upon command.

“Surface comes from the French meaning “above the face”. The behavior probably seems automatic and is thus hard to see as your having set it. What is “above the face” is also hidden in your unconscious and both are out of your known control. Repeated behavior becomes habit.

Stop and ponder: Have you ever responded negatively in a situation and blamed the circumstances for your behavior? “You made me mad.” “The traffic made me late.” “You did me wrong and I’ll show you!”

Someone or something making you do something is not like an allergy to cats. With an allergy your body’s immune system automatically responds whether the kitten is cute and cuddly or if it is a mangy flea-infested stray.

Get honest and think hard. Has a similar situation occurred and your response was different? “No big deal.” “No harm done.”

So if one day Sue/Sam “made you mad” and the next day – when you were more rested or were not so rushed or so stressed or had spent time meditating or whatever to put yourself in the better frame-of-habit-mindset – then obviously Sue/Sam was not the organic cause of your negative response. In either scenario, you drew on habit responses you taught yourself.

Forming new habits involves awareness. To determine what you do want to change starts with understanding what you do not want to change. Exert mental effort to become aware of your attitude and behaviors – those times you are pleased with yourself for speaking rationally or remained calm or for boldly asserting yourself. Out of this awareness determine effects and whether you wish to maintain them – or not.

Forming new habits involves doing one thing differently. Every time we modify our behavior we have a different experience. This new experience sends a new footpath to our brain. Treading this new path again and again causes our brain to become wired - habituated – to new attitudes, actions and outcomes.

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Avoid the stack-attack-syndrome of frustrated aggressive behavior by learning a sever-assessing-system of assertiveness – one step at a time – one path at a time – to a new hard-wired brain habit.

Getting Our Needs Met

Relationships are about need vs. need. Healthy relationships give and receive for the good of the whole. When your need is being frustrated by his need (and vice-versa) the key to maintain harmony is in learning to be responsive rather than reactive. 

 

You may ask, "But HOW?"

 

I love when people ask the question. If we try to give an answer before the question is being asked, no matter how wise our words, it falls on weak ears.  Let's start with the solution before we address the problem. 

 

Solution:  Start your day by choosing to invest time to set yourself up to have a great rest of the day. Making time to 'pray it forward' is enough to guarantee that you will be in charge of your thoughts throughout the day.  And, after all it is our thoughts that produce our emotions. A few minutes of sincere meditation/prayer gives you a different nervous system for the entire day.

 

Problem:  The content of our thinking produces our receptivity. The cells of our body have two modes, and one and only one mode operates at a time. Our cells are either open for growth or closed for defense.  By going into defense mode one compromises the optimal function of his/her nervous, endocrine and autoimmune systems.  Not only does defensiveness harm relationships, it harms you physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

 

Our thoughts produce our emotions.  So listen to what you are thinking because that is what is stirring up your emotions.  When you set the condition of me against you, you ironically set the conditions for you to be against yourself. It’s called “destroying your own house”.  

 

It is more about you than it is about them. There may be some truth to thinking that the situation will get better when the other person changes but it is not an absolute truth. How so? A person may genuinely be making strides (clumsy and inept) to cooperate but as long as we look at their actions through our angry glasses, we will fail to appreciate their effort and misjudge their intent and disregard their point. Even if our basic need is being met we neglect to notice.   

The progress s/he makes is in keeping with his innate gifting which is often different than the way we would do things.  Irony: opposites attract. We are drawn to someone whose strength compliments our weakness. We are repelled by that same someone when she does not measure up to our expectations.

But what if he never changes?  Then we have to decide if it is a deal breaker or not. If it is a not a deal breaker then look inside for your own answers.  Sometimes for the good of the whole we have to lower our expectations.  That is not to throw a wet blanket on hope; it is to dampen unrealistic expectations.  Assertive is making a request without demanding it.  

Honesty with self promotes personal growth. Every day you have a chance to set into motion positive changes in your relationships. It’s like the disgruntled office worker said when she began to appreciate her job and her co-workers, “These people around here sure have changed!” 

Maybe the Golden Rule really does work.  Respond to others in a respectful manner and give room to grow into reciprocating in kind out of their own human dignity.  Negotiate – give and receive - for the good of the whole. 

Again, you may ask, “But HOW?” 

Answer: Graciously. In the Bible verse, "God's grace is sufficient" the verb "is" is a past/present/future reality. As in…

        Past: God's grace was sufficient yesterday I just chose to say, "No thanks, I'll handle this myself, thank you anyway!" 

 

        Present: God's grace is sufficient today (right this second) and is a reality awaiting my acceptance and employment. 

 

       Future: God's grace will be present tomorrow or next week or whenever it is needed. 

 

There is always a current supply of grace to us and through us; grace can be refused or used but it cannot be horded or stored up. Like the manna in the wilderness saved grace becomes stale. Grace is delivered fresh, toasty warm and sweet smelling from God's outpost within you.  Receive it. Share it. Bask in the needs-fulfilling nourishment it gives in all relationships. 

 

Saying "No" Without Guilt

“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking that created them.”

Albert Einstein

Does the thought of saying “No” fill you with anxiety? That to turn down a request sets you up for guilty feelings? Do you think a “Yes” equates inclusion, importance, security, - love?

I remember distinctly learning this lesson many years ago. It has served me well ever since.

A friend in financial straits asked me to buy her stereo. Wanting to help, I obligated myself to the purchase. I failed to realize I was hurting me by obligating myself to financial stress.

I checked and double checked income verses outflow. I rationalized that although it would be difficult to pay, the melodious music would make it all worthwhile.

Reality dawned that the pain of having a huge chunk taken out of my next several paydays outweighed the pleasure of surround sound. In comparison, the stress of turning down a friend request was minimal

The decision was the hardest part.

Once the decision was made the weight lifted instantly. I could continue to live within my income. I had a new found appreciation for my radio. I could still listen to sweet music without the added expense of buying records. I felt so relieved. So non-guilty.

I said my “mea culpa” and recanted my agreement to purchase. We remained friends.

Through self-evaluation, my level of thinking had elevated to solving the problem. And a wonderful new pattern of living was set into motion. Namely:

· Life is about making choices: “Yes”; “No”; and owning up to misspeaks
· The freedom of saying “No” overrides and releases guilt
· Be judicious in making commitments; think it through first
· It is always need vs. need
· Do not be influenced by assumed obligation

A simple “No” or “No, thank you” is the most effective way to begin. It is complete, all-inclusive and leaves no room for argument.

Stress is living outside your boundaries. Rather than be suckered in with “I should” thinking, replace it with, “I could”. This small shift gives you time to evaluate before making a decision. Give yourself a little wiggle room with, “Let me check my calendar and get back with you”.

Feel good about saying “No” to things that tax your time, finances, emotional stability, commitments, family responsibilities or your over-all well being.

Refusal to Forgive

“Now you have to decide if you want a life of bitterness, or to be set free.”
Jeanne Marie Laskas

To forgive is an emotional decision. Contrary to some line of thought, forgiving does not mean forgetting. The offense may so deep it is emotionally and psychologically impossible to forget. An offense may be so egregious that even the thought of forgetting is equally offensive.

Yet, to hold on to the bitterness and resentment harms you physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and relationally. Refusal to forgive is to hold on to the grudge with a magically idea that you will thus be protected from future hurts.

Refusal to forgive is hidden behind hate and mistrust; wrapped in an ugly package of justification and rationalization. It sets you up for anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness that festers and eventually spews over into all relationships, not just the one(s) you refuse to forgive. Choosing to forgive is banishing an unwelcomed “renter” from your psyche and mind chatter.

Refusal to forgive effects major harm to your mental-health through preoccupation with disturbing thoughts that leads to depressing. It is a self-sentence to loneliness, distrust and misery. Physically the body produces stress hormones thus weakening the immune system and increasing susceptibility to viruses and disease.

One’s spiritual life is also harmed as a result of the refusal to forgive. C. S. Lewis said that the wrongs of life seems to prove that God is not good. Of course that is a lie.

Here are some thoughts in choosing to forgive:

1. Make a list of the hurts in your life. This is not to dwell on them, but to acknowledge so you can choose to release. Things you did or did not do as well as things that were done to you. Beliefs or teachings you acted on that you now regret. Include slights, injustices, labels, judgments and rejections. Write the experience in detail, saying what you wish you would have said or done at the time – good or bad.
2. Realize that people act out of their own hurts and pain. Regardless how you have been treated, know that you are a person of infinite worth and value with dignity and principles.
3. Revisit the pain through eyes of compassion for yourself and allow God to re-parent you and to comfort you.
4. Do the hard work of honestly looking at ways you may have been a part of the problem or exacerbated it. Value your feelings and insights. If appropriate, take steps to correct violated principles; to seek and/or to give forgiveness.
5. You may find it helpful to share your findings with a supportive person whom you trust implicitly, one who will be receptive and non-judgmental and not try to fix things for you or give advice.
6. Choose to give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Embrace peace. Smile. Laugh. Reach out again in love. Develop an attitude of ongoing forgiveness by choosing to not be offended.

Forgiveness does not eliminate past pain, it allows you to enjoy the present and build for the future. Choosing to forgive is not to tackle the impossibility of forgetting, but to forgo dwelling on past wounds. It is to be free.

Please leave your comments. Thanks.

Choices and Attitudes

Who has not had an experience when your back was against the wall? What to do? As with most things in life, the array of choices and attitudes are vast. In a rush-rush, worry-worry world one may become blind to options.

There is always a choice. Even in extreme limits, one always has a choice and can make things better or can make things worse. I find this insight effective in dealing with the residents at the sanction center.

When they rebel against limits, I ask “Is there anything you can do to make the situation worse?”

Although coming from a negative perspective it seems to empower them to realize they are “in control.”

I continue, “Conversely, is there anything you can do to make the situation better.”

Reluctantly most agree that when their back is against the way they still have the power to make things better or worse.

Attitude is the deal-breaker. So what could possibly make an impossible situation a little bit better? The key is attitude.

Attitude comprises words used, tone of voice, sounds made, facial expressions and body language. Without a word being spoken, a simple shift from rebellion to resistance is noticeable. And in most cases that shift is visible enough to effect a lowering of defenses so communication/negotiation can be re-established.

Privileges are subject to change depending on one’s attitude.

Choices are empowering. When keys are misplaced, an initial response is “No!” That is denial. In a state of denial vision is narrowed, thinking is decreased and stress rises. A seemingly illogical decision to choose to accept the lost keys! Yet that frees the mind to remember where they might be. It activates the eyes to see rather than overlook. It also releases creativity to solve the problem.

The choice of keeping a good attitude in the midst of an inconvenience frees you to have a good day regardless.

Choices can be crippling. Too many choices can have a negative impact. In a study of consumer purchases, a vendor offering six flavors of jam sold to 30% of those who visited his display, whereas the vendor with 24 flavors had only a 3% buy-rate. Too many choices lead to a stalemate.

Make your attitude your ally. This is done through the power of choice; if not of the circumstance, then definitely of your response to the circumstance. In those no-choice-back-to-the-wall situations, attitude can be a lifesaver.

Please choose to comment on this post. Thanks and choose to have a wonderful day.

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