Emotional Maturity

Emotions, can you trust them? Emotions are fleeting, fickle and often false. Emotions are based on perception. Whether or not we can trust our emotions has to do with our emotional health. Prolonged invalidation, rejection, criticism and angry responses wear on one’s emotional health, making it raw and hyper-sensitive. Here are a few suggestions to promote emotional healing.

Take a stand. Use “I” statements and speak only from your perspective or to address your personal need. When a person expresses her choices, insights or feelings, it is the individual speaking and the matter can be settled.

Be emotionally honest. When true feelings are pushed aside, unresolved issues take over and seize a club to set matters straight. If another does not approve of your choice, so be it; do not feel guilty or anxious. Summons the courage to stay your ground and allow him to remain in his mood while you go on about your business. Stick to your boundaries and do not make an issue of the opposition. It is not your job to get the dissenter out of a snit; that is a task every individual must do for herself.

Recognize your own issues. Do not isolate or bottle up. Do not allow yourself to be sucked into another’s problems. Although we can work in partnership, still each must hoe his own row in life.

Respond, don’t react. The rawer the emotions, the quicker to judge response as negative. Reacting is negative. Dynamite must have a ‘reactor’ for it to go off, and the shorter the fuse, the quicker the explosion. Reacting is taking comments as a personal affront. Reacting is belittling the offender. It takes emotional health to respond rather than react. Responding is seeing the situation at face value. Responding is choosing to regard the offender as a person of worth and value. Responding paves the way for resolution.

Self-Evaluate. Several times during the day, stop and evaluate your actions, thoughts and feelings. Reel in assumptions. Quit regarding others as jerks. Stop the judgments and criticism. As you become aware how you are feeding your negative emotions, you become equipped to conquer them.

Plan ahead. Life is faithful to give us do-oers. As you honestly evaluate that you reacted negatively to a person’s disrespect, picture the event happening again with you responding in a more positive light. Sports figures see themselves succeeding before ever going onto the playing field. See yourself being calm, pleasant and respectful before going into the arena.

DON’T COPE—OVERCOME: Rather than being driven by your emotions and later regretting the direction in which they took you, learn to control your emotions and later feel good over your responses. Being in charge of your emotions is so empowering. Healthy emotions go hand-in-hand with happiness and satisfying relationships.

Cool. Calm. Collected. Cheerful.

Rebounding from a Lay Off

Economists tell us that the changing job market is a good thing. It shows us what works and what does not work. What worked for a time will not continue to work as technology improves. The ice man lost his job and was retrained and hired as a freezer manufacturer.

Do not burn your bridges. Do not allow hurt and anger to reflect negatively on your exit. A gracious departure will work in your favor for future referrals or possible rehire.

Understand conditions. Seek counsel regarding unemployment benefits or departure package from your employer. Will they pay for schooling? What compensation is there for unused vacations or sick days? Look into extending insurance coverage through cobra. Determine how to invest your IRA rollover.

Your job is finding a job. Step back into the job market immediately. Do not depress and do not delay. Brush up your resume and polish your networking skills. Get out the door five days a week, eight hours a day. At the Salvation Army’s Fresh Start Center, Federal convicts have fifteen days in which to find employment or its back to prison. If they can do it, you can too.

Network, network, network. Tell everyone you know that you are available; remember the five degrees of separation. Do it in concentric circles – family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, clients, vendors, professional contacts, community leaders, business owners and the internet. Make memorable business cards and hand them out in mass. My friend in the education field was downsized. She made a clever calling card proclaiming, “School is out… I’m not ready for recess.”

Practice interviews. Know what BNI calls your “elevator speech”. Condense your job skills, qualifications and character qualities to a sound bite that can be professionally delivered to anyone, anywhere, at any time. Include what you have to offer and what you will accept. Perfect your performance in front of the mirror, on your cat and to your family. Graciously receive their input.

Obtain counsel. The fee for professional help is an investment in your future. They are experts at packaging you and your material to make the best impressions. The human condition is to sell self short. From a dynamic cover letter to a spruced up resume, the professional is less modest in extolling your stellar qualifications and outstanding character qualities.

Something is better than nothing. Monetary resources deplete quickly so a job beneath your qualification level is still employment. We have an innate need to serve and this is accomplished to a large degree through the work we perform. All jobs are honorable, as long as they are legal and moral, and you add dignity to the position. Negotiate with the employer that you are willing to become an apprentice to learn new skills. Use your experience as leverage to move up the ladder quickly.

Be open to a new career. Maybe the time has come to start your own business and turn your hobby into a career. Explore new interests and technology through education. Become an apprentice to a master.

Difficult times force us to step outside our comfort zone. Have fun and grow in the process. Use your creativity to expand shrinking income, use set backs to strengthen your stamina, develop internal character qualities, appreciate family and time spent together, and always trust your higher power.

Self Care

It is more important that you take care of you than that you take care of them. Does that sound selfish? Done in the right spirit, it is the first step toward selflessness. You cannot give out of an empty basket. A hungry man is unable to feed another. A full chef delights in serving.

Decay or grow. Our bodies are built to move. Movement stimulates cell growth. Reduced movement results in cell atrophy. A lethargic lifestyle causes the body to waste away. Decay. The body is a good servant in that it responds as gracefully as possible to the treatment we give it.

Endless recycle program. Our bodies consist of trillions of cells. They continually die off and are replaced. Bones dissolve and regenerate. High school health class taught that we have a completely new body ever seven years. But it is in increments, like 1% a day. What determines the quality of replacement? Whether the replacement quality is high or inferior depends on the lifestyle choices we make every day. Stronger or weaker cells? Our choice.

Intentional care. Remember the airline instructions? In case of emergency, you place the air bag on you first before helping the child, elderly, infirmed or others. Be intentional about your nutrition, your rest and your needs so that you are in optimum condition - mentally and physically - to help others.

Emotions play a big part. Human beings are composed of molecules therefore everything affects our molecular structure. Destructive emotions such as anger, hate, stress and loneliness send a “decay” message to the cells. These long-held emotions lead to chronic pain. Even though the angry person may be wishing ill on another he is issuing his own death warrant.

Conversely, positive emotions such as optimism, love, compassion and community promote strength, thus healthy molecules. Not only does the molecular body benefit, but also one’s mind, heart, spirit and social life.

Handling the day-to-day stresses of life begins with self-care. Start with quality quiet time. What if it really does work?

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach.

Overcoming Shyness

We are born social creatures and the need for human contact never ceases. But it can sometimes be painful. Research shows that emotional and physical problems are frequently related to those with interpersonal disabilities. Here are thoughts for overcoming shyness.

Adjust your attitude. When entering a room with conflicting emotions of connect-with- me-but-do-not-draw-attention-to-me, we send an avoidance message. Instead of “here I am so you notice me”, let your mind-set be “There you are and I want to connect with you.”

Speak first. Be proactive with the greeting and introduction. Do not waste time in uncomfortable silence. Make it simple, such as “Hi, my name is Mona, how are you?”

Names are important. During the course of conversation make it more memorable by using the person’s name once or twice. Use it sparingly as too much seems fake.

It is more about listening and thinking than speaking. Rather than worry about how to keep the conversation going, intentionally listen to what is being shared and respond by asking appropriate questions or making relevant comments. Not as an interrogator, but as an interested friend. Keep them talking and be at ease with not having to come up with a topic. As odd as it may seem, listening translates as you being good conversationalist.

Interject naturally. As you become comfortable with focused listening, allow your mind to remember personal reflections that would add to the topic. Speak up and be a contributor.

Be others focused. Ironically, as you lose self-focus and become interested in people - their stories and needs - you become the center of attention.

Although many things impact shyness, including personality type, parenting skills, environment and lack of social opportunities, change is possible, it is easy to learn, and it is permanent. Go for it.

Personal Boundaries

 

Royal George, New River, WV 2016

Personal boundaries are the rules you set for what others may or may not do around you. Weak boundaries cost us our identity. Just as the havoc of a tornado invites looting by dishonest people, so too, weak boundaries attract needy and disrespectful people. Failure to set boundaries and failure to respect boundaries goes hand-in-hand.

Boundaries are complex and multifaceted.  A boundary is an imaginary line that defines, protects and establishes identity and scope (person, family, city, nation, culture, faith, time).  A plot of land without boundaries (fences, tree lines, highway, river) becomes an open plain for any and all.  

Without boundaries, its essence ceases to exist. Neither good nor bad of itself, a boundary provides essential limits.  Without personal boundaries, we lose who we are and become enmeshed in others; we cease to exist and in essence, anything goes. 

There are four essential areas in which to set personal boundaries:

1) Emotions - How will you communicate your needs or your feelings when offended?

2) Time - How much time and to what are you willing to commit? 

3) Values – What is your our highest ideal of you and how will you display it?

4) Possessions - What and how will you share?  Hint:  It is important to own before you can give. 

Give notice. Muster your courage and speak up. Inform of your boundaries and/or newly formed principles. Let people know you are learning new concepts and putting them into practice.

Enforce. When your boundary is disrespected, graciously make a clear request to stop.  Be firm, yet kind. Firmness shows respect for you and kindness shows respect for the perpetrator. Do not mistake kindness for weakness or passivity.

Disengage when necessary. It takes two to argue.  For the sake of wholeness, be willing to lay aside your opinions, your rights and your gloves. Do not be ruled by your emotions. Find the inner strength to detach from other peoples needs.  Not necessarily from the person, just from his/her neediness. 

Be assertive. Assertive is acting in your own best interest without harming another. Do not mistake assertive for dogma, anger or force.

Know who you are. When asked to prove his existence, the French philosopher René Descartes, responded, “I think. Therefore I am.”  Get in touch with the wonderful human being you are, think positive thoughts of overcoming and stand in amazement at your new existence. This is not to promote an over-inflated ego but a healthy self-love.

Change your environment. Indifference is contagious.  So too, success is contagious. It is not easy to change behavior.  It is easier to change your environment, which in turn will change your behavior. You decide what is normal by looking around you.  Keep an eye on your social environment, the one you are keeping and the one you are projecting.

The clean up after a natural disaster is time consuming and costly but well worth the effort. So to is the project of establishing personal boundaries; it is an investment in wholeness. 

Overcoming Internal Conflict

The human condition is one of continual conflicts. The greatest argument is the one we have with ourselves over polar extremes such as being comfortable with the status quo vs. restlessness for change. Failure comes from wanting to change results rather than attitudes and actions. If you are honest with yourself you will find that most obstacles to a meaningful life lie within yourself, not in the hands of others and not within the environment. Here are some thoughts for overcoming this internal conflict.

1. Wipe the slate clean. Let go of past failures and successes. Failures can keep you anchored; successes can keep you lazy. Even the negative person is part of the collective unconscious that spurs us to “start over” – New Year and resolutions, spring time and fresh growth, the crisp air of fall and returning to school. There is something mysterious about endings and beginnings. We seek a specific demarcation of leaving old things behind us and making a fresh new start. Allow every morning to brings new possibilities. Make new beginnings a part of your daily routine.

2. Step out of your comfort zone. We do not have the ability to perform beyond our own self-concept. Face fear by deliberately choosing to do something you are not comfortable doing. Speak to a stranger, eat alone at a public restaurant, volunteer out of your field of expertise, take a college course, experiment with the computer/internet, give a talk at a civic event, become involved in sports.

3. Be at peace with the man in the mirror. Be more concerned with what you think of you than what others think of you, because they probably are not thinking of you. There are two dangers: 1) thinking you are somebody and 2) thinking you are nobody. You have both flaws to be worked on and talents to offer that will make the world a better place.

4. Find your courage. No one can have courage for you; it is a do-it-yourself job. Find it, use it, exercise it and embrace it. Encouragement means to “pour courage into” so pour courage into you through positive self-talk and constructive affirmations.

5. Make every day a great event. Find something to be thankful for such as the awesome privilege of being alive. Embrace the health that you have and work to improve it. Relish your relationships and make time to nurture them. Appreciate your employment and be a productive worker. Allow a job well done to be its own reward.

Following these simple, yet profound, concepts on an on-going basis will work wonders in solving the internal conflict. Try them. They work.

Who Am I? Who Are My People

Identity is an important aspect of our personality. We proclaim our self to be Caucasian, or Russian, or a City Slicker, or a Methodist, or Rotarian, or – you get the picture. We label each other by ethnicity, geography, religion, politics, associations (clubs, gangs) and a plethora of other venues.

Our identity in some areas is by chance. All of the lineage and circumstances were met for you to be born you. Some is by choice. We look around to see what we think we might like to be like and join those forces.

Our identity shapes us deeply, profoundly, mystically and undeniably. Our identity, as well as what tribe we are associated with, results in healthy or low self-esteem, effective or less effective relationships, acceptance or antagonism of self, community and the world populace as a whole.

Life is simple, only we often make it complicated.

Life simplifies when we choose to incorporate the dissonant fabulous and flawed aspects of our heritage and personality into humble acceptance of ‘this is who I am’. We look at what it is about our self that we can change or control. We ask and answer hard questions. We seek and employ wise counsel, while always being true to the illusive fact that we are each self-determining.

We complicate life when we try to change someone else. We simplify life when we use our influence to – ahem - influence. Gently. We increased influence when we hold all beings in high regard, speak truth in love, act kindly and respond graciously.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com

Game Changers

We look around us to determine what is “normal”. Think of moving to another country with a different culture. Because of our genetic need to fit in, our programmed ego adjustment kicks in to bring us up to the status quo. To be able to adjust definitely has its good points.

This scenario is equally relevant in the automatic pilot ordering of our every day routine. We assess standards of conduct and search for evidence to confirm our perception. An unconscious involuntary mechanical regulator can be to our detriment. We internalize what we believe and carry it with us through life, even when it no longer serves us.

Most of us know ourselves only by hearsay. What we overhear about us may be right on – or not. We come up with notions about what is and is not true about ourselves. Others perception of us may be actual or eschewed, genuine or flawed, assumed or myopic.

We also come up with notions about what is and is not true about others in particular and about the world in general.

Walter Cronkite, then the most trusted man in America, famously ended his nightly newscast with “And that’s the way it is.” His affirmation of absoluteness was based on unbiased facts.

What if we made a deliberate-on-purpose-game-changing choice to test, weigh and measure our perceptions. “Is this really true?” “How can I know it is true?” “When I think it is true, how do I behave?”

What if we chose to give grace to our assumptions, as in “Maybe I really do not know what he is thinking”? How would the interaction with that individual change when we extended a little bit of honest doubt?

What if we became aware of inflections, nuances, tiny shifts in thinking that makes huge differences? As in going from the all-inclusive statement of “I am stupid” to a more accurate assessment of “I made a stupid statement” (or choice; whatever the situation dictates). How would one’s self-esteem blossom when we see ourselves as individuals in legitimate transition of growing and learning?

What if we made a conscious decision to change from automatic pilot to intentional choice? What if we chose to explore options and accept the mysteries of unique viewpoints?

I’m game. How about you?

Put First Things First

In a cold February, Valentines and love celebration is a welcomed warm spot.

But what is love anyway?

• Is it a word we casually attach to people, pets, pleasures, places and provisions?
• Is it a fickle emotion we precariously fall into and out of?
• Is it something we take for granted?
• Is it something we demanded when it’s absent yet discounted when it’s genuine?
• Is love an illusion?
• Is love the only thing that is real?

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Choice Theory Psychology, identifies love as a genetic need that drives us to belong. Love is a physical and psychological need to fit in.

Love is a spiritual need that drives us to fit into our world. When loved the way we need to be loved, we are more whole and content. 

Love is the need for relationship. From the cradle to the grave life is all about relationship. No matter the venue – home, workforce, salesmanship, community, government, law enforcement, time, money, energy or breakthrough science like Albert’s Einstein’s theory of relativity, it is all about the state or quality of one thing relating to another.

• It is about one thing -you - relating to one thing - me.
• Love is about our relationship with those near and dear to us.
• Love is about our relationship a Supreme Being.
• Love is about our relationship with self; being comfortable in our own skin.
• Love is about our relationship with stuff (time, money, energy, possessions.
• Love is about our relationship with the rest of the world- as in the IT Tech in China, all the drivers in all the cars on the highway in this universe, all the workers in all the business in all the cities and townships, and all seven-point-two-billion souls on planet earth with unknown names and unseen faces.
• Love is about our relationship with theories, science,politics, religion, education.... the list is endless.

WOW. That’s a lot to relate to.

How do you cultivate a loving relationship? How do you nurture, develop and grow love for self let alone for all of humanity? How to you sustain love for those “near and dear to us” when they are flawed?

And that brings us to the title of this article: Put First Things First.

Put First Things First is actually habit #3 in Stephen Covey’s best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Covey says, “You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage- pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically, - to say “no” to other things."

We were a twinkle in God’s eye long before a spark in dad’s. God first loved us. As we receive God’s love and bask in the source of Love from which we came, our love tank becomes full and is continually topped off. In the overflow, we can effectively relate to others.

“When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving toward the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed, but increased. Second things are corrupted when they are put first.”
C. S. Lewis

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. mona@monadunkin.com

Self Love

              "We shall not cease from exploration but at the end of all of our exploring will be to return to                 the placed from which we originated and to know it for the first time.” T. S. Eliot

You were a twinkle in God’s eye before you were ever a gleam in Dad’s. Eventually we return to the place of our beginning. Earth to earth; dust to dust, created to Creator. We go back to the source from which we came, back to the love of God.

So why wait? Just as the be-happy-attitudes are for today on planet earth as well as in the sweet-by-and-by, so, too, is a healthy earthly self-love.

Self-love is primal to physical and mental health and to spiritual well-being. Wireless technology and scientific discoveries confirm what mystics have known all along – we are all connected. From the vastness of the universe to the quantum iota of the atom, we are all connected.

Because God is Love, then you – his offspring – are love. And lovely. And loveable. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your conception, you were born from God’s womb of Love. Regardless of the condition of the parents – marital relationship, unloving sex, rape – you originated in God’s source of love.

Love is one of our greatest needs. Lovingly acts buds, blossom and bloom. Unloving acts that kinda resemble love may become distorted and perverted.

Failure to love and accept yourself is also failure to accept God’s special creation of you; the one with a totally unique fingerprint design.

Why is self-love so difficult? Is it because we know ourselves well enough to know that we have unloving thoughts and do unloving deeds? Is it because we reject the parts of us that are in pain? Or that causes pain?

“Consider the lilies of the field.”

Think about flowers. All have beauty yet some are poisonous and some have thorns. Some are planted and admired in the boundary of a garden, yet are considered weeds when they jump bounds.

Self love is accepting all sides of our personality. Each facet of who we are simultaneously play a part in our life lessons.

“Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.” Rumi

Live in the question, the wonder and the awe. Live in the not-knowing-yet-longing-to-know. Learning to love yourself is a baby-step to trusting the infinite wisdom that created you.

We can only draw to us what we are. As we receive God's Love that is our birthright, our genes expression alchemically changes and we become a new creation with a fidelity to the original.

You become who you really are; you become your best self.

Invite Mona to speak to your group or organization. mona@monadunkin.com

Choosing Humility

Humility is a do-it-yourself job.

You may humiliate yourself through some ill-thought out behavior or even deem that another has humiliated you - usually by their having seen a chink in your armor - but choosing to be humble - in the face of great accomplishment or heartbreaking failure - is a personal choice, rooted in a true understanding of humanity. Humble is derived from the Latin word humilis, meaning low or lowly and is the same root word in humus (ground) and homo (man).

Humus… human… humility; all have the same root word. Humility is recognizing our humanness. We humans are on equal footing - good and bad, positive and negative, giving and selfish, shadow and light sides. It takes humility to accept both in self and others.

There are five ways of dealing with humiliating situations; the first three comes to us rather naturally and are more destructive than constructive. Doing those things that come naturally often gets us into big trouble. The later two have to be learned, cultivated and nurtured; they entail choosing humility.

1. Passive: suppressive, avoiding problems, gives in; mentally says, “I’m uncomfortable.” “I’ll withdraw. “I’ll get out.”

2. Aggressive: attacks others, demanding, abrasive; mentally says, “I can take care of myself.” “I win, you lose.” “I’m right!”

3. Passive-Aggressive: indirect, sneaky, underhanded, sabotage; mentally says, “I’ll give in, but I’ll get you.” “Got-cha!”

4. Assertive: open, honest, mature, mutual respect; the mental attitude is, “I have worth and value and you have worth and value.” “We may disagree and I’ll still hold you in high regard.”

5. Overlook: Recognizing personal limits and making healthy choices. The mental attitude is “Live and let live.” “ I choose to forgive.”

Learning to overlook an offence requires humility.

There are two questions that can never correctly be answered “Yes”. One is, “Are you asleep?” The other is, “Are you humble?” To answer either in the affirmative belies reality.

One may think of self as being humble, yet has difficulty accepting a simple compliment. It takes humility to graciously receive a flattering remark even though you may think your performance not up to par or deem your hairdo as the worst cut ever.

To respond in a self-depreciating stance, to deny another’s assessment or to launch into defense of the defect is actually to lapse into a false humility.

Learning to graciously respond in humiliating situations requires rigorous self-honesty. You cannot become truly honest and examine your actions and attitudes while in self-denial. As long as you stay in denial, you deceive yourself into believing your actions and attitudes are right. Remove face-saving masques and allow honesty to give fresh perspective.

When you, with God's grace, choose to get honest and to change, you begin to like you better, in a healthy way. You are working on the do-it-yourself project of being humble.

Overcome Taking Things Personally

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

At a potluck dinner a woman’s contribution was several gallons of unsweetened tea.  A man in the line sarcastically asked, “What, did they not sell sweet tea?” 

 

The woman took it personally and became offended. The comment was more about the man than it was about the woman.  It showcased his selfishness of wanting things catered to his likes and his apparent laziness of adding sweetener.  It was more about him until she intercepted it and made it about her.

 

Taking things personally is agreeing while disagreeing and becoming upset. It is a selfish response that assumes everything is about you.  When you make it all about you, then you feel the need to defend yourself. Or go prove the other person wrong by trying to impose your way of seeing things onto them.  This produces conflict.  Even if it seems directed at you - “What did you do to your hair?” - maybe it is not about you.  Maybe she is having a bad hair day and taking it out on you.  Take yourself out of the middle with a neutral, “Sorry” or “Yea, I know.” 

 

By choosing not to take the comment personally, you are in a position to honestly evaluate if it is truth or not.  If the comment is untrue, choose to overlook it and pleasantly change the subject. If it is true you still have choices.  On the positive, you see the offender as helping you grow; you acknowledge the wound and determine steps for self-improvement.  On the negative note, you embrace the wound and add to your victim status.  You view the offender as keeping you down.

 

A friend of mine has greatly improved his relationship with this family as well as his own well-being.  How? He chooses to see their criticism as a misdirected way of showing love.  After all, criticism is a disconnecting way of making a request. 

 

Why be offended by truth?  For example, suppose someone calls you fat.  If you are not fat, you can more easily see how the offensive remark is more about the other person than about you. She is hurling attacks in a misdirected way of trying to make you look bad and her look good. If you are fat, why be offended by the truth?  Did the statement really make you aware of something you did not already know? 

 

Taking things personally is suffering for nothing.  Evaluate: Did you take the comment personally because the statement hit a sore spot? Perhaps it highlighted a habit you are not disciplined enough yet to correct?  Perhaps it was because of a bur in the relationship. If your best friend had comment about your hair, how would you have responded? 

 

It really is all about you.  In the unsweetened tea example, the man could have picked up a packet of sweetener and said nothing about only one option of tea.  The woman could have nicely handed him a packet of sweetener and said nothing about the comment. Although we can choose not to take comments personally, a pleasant outcome to a negative situation is more about us than it is about them. 

Self-Evaluation: What do you Really Want?

 

 

What do you want?  Over the course of your life thus far, how many times have you been asked that question? What do you want for Christmas? What do you want for your birthday?

 

What do you want? What do you really want? What about those times you “want something” and go searching for food even though hunger is not the issue? Or find something to do when that doesn’t fit the yearning either?

 

Asking ourselves what we really want is probably the most important thing we can do for ourselves - whether it’s about those big life/visions/goals or in-the-moment stuff. 

Have you ever wanted – and gotten – a new car thinking it would transport you to prestige, fun, dignity and self-worth?  Only to be sorely disappointed once the glamour wore off? And the payments continued?

What we want is produced by our emotions.  Emotions are the outcropping of the thoughts we think.  Emotions and perception (the way you see things) feed on each other, either to rev you up, or to calm you down.  It depends on what mind movie you are tuning in to.  We assume our lives are shaped by events. Actually our lives are shaped by our perceptions and reaction to events, people and/or stuff.

 

In the midst of a heated discussion, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What do I want right now.” 

More than likely the true answer is not, “I want to argue!” Odds are it’s more likely, “I want to be understood;” or, “I want to stop this harangue and I want to show up as the highest version of myself I’m committed to being!”

When you evaluate what you really want, then you are in a position to create it.  It is no longer about proving a point, it becomes about being the person you truly are. It is all in the decision. When you become clear on what you want (or who you really want to be), the “how” to be that person begins to fall into place. 

Change either what you want, or change what you are willing to do to get it. The human heart beats the same whether in the 21st Century or the 1st Century, before or beyond.  We really do all face the same issues, just in different flavors. 

 

The answer to what we want is usually not stuff or food or money or handouts or advice - although those things may have their place.  The answer to what we want is usually about being.  To find out who we really are, we must acknowledge who we have become. We must face the way we hide from ourselves.

 

Blind Bartimaeus cried out, “Jesus Christ, Son of David. Have mercy on me. I am a sinner.” Jesus responded to his plea for mercy by asking, “What do you want me to do?”  (Mark 10:46-52)

God will not violate our free will. How often do we ask for help not knowing what we really want or really need?  We do not recognize our spiritual poverty and thus do not receive mercy.

 

In evaluating what we want from Christ start with the ever true declaration of “I am a sinner”. After a soul-searching inventory be specific, “I am a sinner by being stressed that you will not provide for my needs.” “I am stressed because So-and-So does not follow my sage advice.”  Become more specific. “I am a stressor. I am a stressor because I want to control people and situations.”

 

What we want is actually about peace, contentment, healthy relationships and effective behaviors.  They are readily ours as we make time to follow the Biblical mandate to examine self before partaking in experiences that would render us ineffective (I Cor. 11:27-33).

Let the Light of You Shine

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond

measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”  -Marianne Williamson

 

We are complex individuals living in a complicated world.  Things are not as they first appear to be. For example, invisible atoms collectively make up everything in this universe. One of the deep scientific truths is that there is no empty space. What seems to be vacant space is filled with atoms. 

Another invisible yet power aspect is the aura surrounding each individual. Definite it as personality or characteristics, nonetheless there is a special air that precedes us. We draw to us - not what we want - but what we are.  Like draws to like. 

There is nothing to be gained by playing small. Humility has its place when not confused with a false modesty. The person who brags about what s/he does yet refuses to receive a compliment has confused meekness with arrogance. Humility is not thinking less of yourself; humility is thinking of yourself less. Humility is being true to you. 

 

So what prevents us from allowing our light to shine? When you think of speaking up for a principle or cause, what stops you?  When that promotion is imminent, what pushes you to put a ceiling on it?  When that relationship is flowing, what causes you to self-sabotage?

How would shining in all your glory threaten your comfort zone? Who would be upset if you shine? How would becoming who you are created to be upset the established family structure?  For whom would releasing your genius create insecurity?  

How does it serve you to stay small? Are you afraid of your own brilliance? 

Most are not afraid to shine unless they have been hurt or shamed for standing out and shining. How have your wings been clipped, either through reality or your own perception? Have you replaced another’s criticism with your own destructive self-talk?

Each individual is blessed with a wide spectrum of temperaments. The speedy hare may seem difficult a pokey turtle – yet each are being true to themselves. When a cat scurries up a tree is he showing off? Is a dog a wimp because he cannot climb?

For those of us who find it difficult to love ourselves, it becomes easier when we wake up to the truth about who we are. Light is released through living a truthful life. Understand you are a lovely and loveable individual, wart and all. Even imperfections, you are both fabulous and flawed. We are in “process” and – in reality - do not need to the approval of others to validate our worth. This is freedom indeed. Not the freedom to be obnoxious or stubborn, but the freedom to develop one’s shadow side. Speak the truth in love – to yourself (without condemnation) and to others (without accusation).

 

To walk in truth is to walk in perfect love, and if we walk in perfect love, then we do not walk in fear because perfect love cast out fear. 

When our lives shine of natural gifting and pure intention others will notice and be drawn to your light.  When in doubt, look inside; are you being less than truthful to you?  You have enough light for the step you are on. Keep growing. Keep shining. The world needs your light.

Real Age - Chronology or Biology

 

Drs. Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz are on a campaign to help Americans determine their Real Age. Not chronological years, but health years. Improved health results in the very real reality of extended chronological years. Or at least better quality of life for the remaining number of years we are on planet earth. I had the opportunity to come face-to-face with my internal health issues.

Dr. Richard Couey is a cellular biologist with Baylor University in Waco, TX. He has a unique way of counseling clients. A tiny drop of one’s blood is put under a microscope that projects the image to a computer screen. On the wall are pictures of healthy blood cells and also of blood cells in various degrees of maladies. The individual is allowed to make his/her own diagnosis as to the health of one’s cells.

My husband and I were allowed to see for our self the decay of our cells. Reality of what was hidden to our eyes. My cells were thick (matches my heavy body) and clumped together. My husband saw rampant arthritis flecks and decaying cells. Both blood systems had puffs of stress.

For three months we followed Dr. Couey’s suggestions for eating and moving. Very simple things like fresh fruits and vegetables. Baked chicken and fish and reduced amount of red meat. Walk around the block twice a day. When sitting, lift your legs up and down and roll your shoulders and ankles for improved range of motion. We also took enzymes and vitamins.

On my own, I recommitted to daily quiet time and meditation. At the end of ninety days, the blood tests were re-administered. I was amazed. I had lost six pounds and had more energy.

But the proof was in the blood. The cell walls were appreciably thinner and the clumping was reduced, with a few flowing freely. And no puffs of stress.

It’s all about movement. When my last HDL cholesterol was not optimal, the nurse said the most effective way to increase those numbers was through exercise. Walking speaks to the body in powerful ways. So I am choosing to not make exercise into a four-letter word and have retitled it "energizing". Quality calories in and quality movement out.

We need community. We need movement. Seems our bodies are hard wired for exercise and to care. The caring part comes easy for me. Not so the physical fitness. But that is all changing and I eagerly anticipate the daily transformation. As my chronological age increases, with a positive change in activity and eating habits, my biological age can stay consistent – or reverse.

How about you?

Let's start a conversation: mona@monadunkin.com

Be Your Best Self

Can you believe it is March already, and spring?  So, how are you doing on your New Year’s resolutions?  Not to worry, any month, any day is a good time for fresh starts - to begin something new or to make changes.  

In a past issue of Waco Today, Kat Nelson asked prominent community leaders to give hope for the coming year.  Rosemary Mayes of Scott & White Health Plans shared a poignant insight: “Every New Year people make resolutions to change aspects of themselves they believe are negative. A majority of people reverts back to how they were before and feels like failures. This year I challenge you to a new resolution: I challenge you to just be yourself!”

 

Which begs the question: Do you know how to be yourself?

 

I suggest that most of us only know who we are by hearsay. What they want for us, who they want us to be, where they want us to go, how they want us to behave. Having heard other’s dreams for our lives (that does not match our passion) or pronouncement of our character flaws (that seems so innate) or being prodded to action (that is not in keeping with our temperament), we peg ourselves a loser.

 

You were not born that way.  Family, friends and peers did not see you that way either. You were bragged about as being the smartest and cutest kid ever. Siblings were jealous of your awesomeness. Everyone saw so much potential in you – and maybe hung their star on your ascending stairway.

 

Needing to be loved and to belong, we went along with the charade. Allowing others to define you causes one to lose his/her true identity. It also thwarts growth and discovery. So accept Rosemary’s challenge and “be yourself”. 

Or, go back a few centuries and accept Shakespeare’s challenge: 

 

“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.” Shakespeare – Hamlet

 

Do not misunderstand; there is much room for improvement. Accepting truth about oneself can be quite difficult. But truth really does set one free. Truth gives you the humility to come to terms with weaknesses (those pesky negatives). Speak the truth in love – to yourself (without condemnation) and – when need be - to others (without accusation).

 

Truth recognizes strengths - and you do have strengths or you would have never resolved to bring them into reality in the first place. Truth gives boldness to set boundaries and courage to be empowered to manifest those strengths. 

 

“This above all…” Being you is an imperative. Unless we can be true to ourselves first, we cannot be true to others.  It is impossible to be honest when hiding secrets.

 

How surely does night follow day?  Seems as though daylight and darkness have faithfully occurred every twenty-four hours since the beginning of time.

When we are true to ourselves first, we cannot be false with others. We become real. Genuine. Authentic. Lovely. The best you ever. 

 

Need a trainer or speaker?  Call me 254-749-6594; you’ll be glad you did.

 

The Beauty of Spring Time and Love

Winter is passing and the promise of spring is showing in small ways. It is enough to give hope that we can soon dig into flowerbeds and plant gardens and see new life budding forth.

The same is true of love; it ebbs and flows even in the most sturdy of relationships.

There is purpose in day and night and seasons and years; their continuation – the same yet ever changing – speaks life messages to those attuned to hear. January ended with Auld Lang Syne – to choose to forgive and move past. Choose to let bygones be bygones - while simultaneously choosing to value the personhood of the individual.

February celebrates love. Know this – sweetheart or no sweetheart - you are loved.

Some people are not so easy to love. Some people – although easy to love – are not so easy to get along with. God is love. In love God created you and I in his image. Every child, regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception, is brought into being from a source of pure love. This infinite, unadulterated love becomes distorted when exposed to our toxic world and tainted relationships.

Perhaps we long for love like what is pictured in Victorian Valentines or Elizabeth Browning poetry. We all have quality-world pictures in our mind that we try to bring into real-life focus. The human heart beats the same whether in the 1st Century or the 21st Century, before or beyond. We really do all face the same issues, just in different flavors.

What if all things really do work together for good? Could it be that the difficult person – you or me – acts out unconsciously to demand the emotional love and nurturing of which we feel deprived? We can easily miss love if we are pre-occupied by responsibilities or activities or a seeming lack of appreciation. We cannot make the sun rise; but we can be awake to experience it. We cannot make seeds grow, but we can plant and nurture. We can choose to be awake to express it and to be open to receive even those clumsy small tokens of gratitude.

Take a moment to assign a number to each infraction from one to ten; with one being an irritation and ten being a crisis. You may find that - once you analyze the stack attack – then the ordinary-day-to-day stressors have less impact than you think. Example: The frustration you assigned to your mate may be a ten, and upon reflection of over-all value of the relationship, reduce the time-attention-demands to an easier to handle five.

Don't Cope. Overcome. You are loved completely by God. Embrace the love that has surrounded you from the moment of your conception. Love yourself and one another as a unique child of the same Father who loves us all. Whether we avoid the downfall initially or whether we overcome, it is all "Thanks be to God." It is as simple – and as difficult – as that.

Need a speaker? Contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com. You’ll be glad you did?

To Be More Loving

February is famed for its limited number of days, the last hurrah of winter and as being the month of love. In proclaiming love to others, do not forget to be more loving to you.

Insight comes in all shapes and forms. Sometimes those things we do not want to acknowledge is the most healing.

After a speaking engagement I graciously received compliments on my presentation as well as on my appearance. When I viewed the video – although I was pleased with the message – I was not quite so pleased with the messenger (i.e. with me). I was critical of my performance and my appearance. Every feeling is a pro-survival mechanism.

• I did not like my hair. Although all natural, it appeared grayer than what I see in my mirror.
• I looked heavier than what my scales suggest.
• I deemed my hand gestures to be a little too dramatic.

Criticism is an ugly (disconnecting) way of making a request. I changed my focus. Rather than allowing critical-self to condemn me, I ask myself what "personal requests am I making of me?" Instantly I was more accepting of my looks and mannerisms.

I shared this positive awareness with my accountability partner, Gloria. She cut to the heart of the issue. “Maybe your request is to be more loving.”

How freeing it is to face the way we hide from our feelings. The choice to move from acceptance to loving is amazing. Send love to the pain and the pain will dissipate.

Sending love is done with a deliberate intention to be kind. Yes, be kind to others but also be kind to you. Sending love quiets the nagging critic. Love acknowledges flaws and what to do about them: either to accept and joyfully move on or to receive insight and courage for correction. Sending love engenders compassion to one’s own ego as well as to family, friend and even to foe.

Sending love releases inner limitation and long-held hurts. It relaxes the body, calms the mind and floods your being with peace. It quiets the drama and equalizes emotions so your true spirit shines through.

Sending love releases restorative chemicals into the blood stream; natural meds that heal and repair. A healthy body lends to clearer thinking and improved relationships.

Choose to be more loving by approaching all aspects of life from a place of love. There is an invisible connection between you, God and humanity at large. The more love is sent, the more the separating gap narrows. The more love is denied, criticism and rebellion ensues from a place searching for love.

With the billion of souls in the universe, we can never exhaust all the air available for us to breathe. Love is an even greater resource available to us without thought and becomes powerful with mindful intention. Although our love may be fledging, when joined with God’s unconditional love it is restorative.

Start with being more loving to you. And let it grow. This Valentine's day - and beyond - be more loving of you to you. Quiet your inner self-critic about your perceived shortcomings

Don't Cope. Overcome.  You are created in God's image, a work of art with a designer label. As His creation, you have infinite worth and value. You have been gifted with talents to bless yourself and others. Live your authentic self; do not become a generic brand.

I’d love to hear your insights.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

 

Sacred Contracts

"The strongest need in the human personality is our need to act consistently
with how we define ourselves." Psychologist Robert Cialdini

With what do we identify more than with our name. I did not have a vote in “Mona” being my name but, unknowingly, I agreed to it. Whatever we agree to meshes with and become a defining part of our unique and distinctive personality. The demonstration of my agreement is manifested in the fact that, still today, when “Mona” is spoken, my otherwise rapt attention is drawn toward the sweetness of the sound.

The identity associated with one’s name goes hand-in-hand with mankind’s need to love and belong. Dale Carnegie gave top billing to speaking and remembering a person’s name in his profoundly influential book “How to Winning Friends and Influence People”.

In the Biblical book of Genesis, God changed the names of Abram and Sarai to Abraham and Sarah. The nuance expanded definition of their life purpose and spoke into existence sacred covenants. They were given instructions on how to bring about this manifestation: “Live in my presence. Be devout.” (Genesis 17)

Whether eagerly or reluctantly, they agreed to this phenomenon and began to speak it into existence. Before others called them Abraham or Sarah, they needed to pronounce themselves, “I am Abraham.” “I am Sarah.” As they lived up to their changed persona, the family, the community and even the world today, recognizes them as “Father of Many Nations” and “Mother of Many Kings”.

There is a lot of teaching today about walking the talk. Tommy Malone gives a tongue-twister twist to a touchy truthful truism: “Our walk talks, and our talk talks. But, our walk talks louder than our talk talks.”

Inscribed above the Supreme Court Building in Washington, D.C. are powerful words of justice: “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”
Only knowing truth is not so easily know. Truth is not found through knowledge, but is revealed through trial and error. At least the kind of truth that sets one free to be whom s/he is created to be. It has to be an inward knowing, not a head filled with information. A knowing that is agreed to, either eagerly or reluctantly. A knowing that is spoken into existence through goals and actions and public pronouncements. A knowing that proclaims either boldly “I am strong” or timidly asserts, “I am stronger than I once was.”

Whether one identifies self by his/her certified birth name, a contradictive nickname or a self-imposed moniker, one’s reputation is inextricably connected with his personal contracts. We are not static individuals but are in continual position for growth or stagnation. Early agreements can be jettisoned or modified in light of truth. Truth that is real and freeing. What sacred covenants do you need to explore?

Mirror, Mirror

Life lends itself to interaction with the masses of fellow-strugglers (family members, co-workers). They have shortcoming that annoy us. Their accomplishments rear the green-eyed jealousy monster in us.

Others are mirrors reflecting us to us. Their irritating flaws reveal our own untended ways. Their glaring success nags at our own unheeded potential.

Dislike the image. When someone irritates us and we want to fix them, it is an echo of our own unfinished business. Their glaring foibles reflect our own deficiencies.

Like draws to like. Like a magnet we draw to us what we are, not what we want to be. Courage draws to courage. Success draws to success. Dysfunction draws to dysfunction. Whether moral or immoral, legal or illegal, when another’s action matches your action there is harmony, understanding, agreement. You have found a friend, a companion. Depending on the non-verbal contract you have found a cynic with which to commiserate and wallow in the mud – or you have found a comrade with which to overcome and scale summits.

Like the image. Become friends with the image you see in your mirror every day. Accept who you are, blemishes and all. You are more than your looks, more than your hair, more than your clothes, more than your shape, more than your job, more than your possessions, more than your education, more than your accomplishments – you are more. You are a human being; a human becoming.

As you choose to lower your defenses, something mysterious happens. The offensiveness in others also begins to dissolve. Their defensiveness is lessened. As you relax with you, the world relaxes around you. As you stop trying to fix others and work on your own locus of control, you become congruent with the real you. As you like you, others respond in kind.

Compassionate toward the image. As we grow and overcome our own shortcomings a shift occurs in our view of others. As you see triumphs in self, develop empathy toward the one still struggling. Use this as a springboard to see their undeveloped potential. Come along side as a mentor.

Life lends itself to interaction with the masses of fellow-strugglers. In the midst of the hustle and bustle of life, make time to reflect on who you are. The real you is enough.

God does not make junk. He made you a unique and special individual, with infinite worth and value and sporting a designer label.