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3/14/19

The Power of Self-Evaluation



I am good at teaching, but not always so good at living what I teach -- and that is exactly why I teach. Teaching holds me accountable to what I say and do. I was late-in-life learning a lot of things – like Goal Setting and Planning – but self-evaluating was ingrained in me as a child.

During my West Virginia wonder years we gathered on Sundays at our little circuit-rider United Methodist Church.  Each Communion Sunday the pastor emphasized the sacredness of the sacrament and the value of self-evaluation.  You know, to make sure we were living right; that we weren't harboring any lies, didn’t need to apologize for,  or “lest something worse come upon you.” 

Thankfully, my Aunt Erma explained that self-evaluation is not dumping guilt on yourself, but is taking responsibility for our missteps. If we don’t own up to our part of the problem, then it leads us to stack attack misbehavior that hurts us and others.

The purpose of self-evaluation is to see our self as we really are, so we can either keep on a good path or take corrective steps. It’s all Total Behavior. What we think, what we do, how we feel about our thinking and doing, effects of physiology and our mental health and our sleep, our digestion, our energy level and our relationships and our success and…

In other words, everything within us touches everything about us and everything we do effects everything we do.  To stay whole and healthy, self-evaluation is a discipline I practice daily.

Self-evaluation is tied in with the Ten Axioms of Choice Theory Psychology.

·  #1 states that "The only person whose behavior we can control is our own".  I suppose the inference is that way too often we do not control our self and need to think about the outcome.
·  #2 says "All we can do is give or receive information."  Inference - don't place blame, don't criticize, be nice, use your inside voice, get honest with yourself. 
· #6 states "We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World" (i.e. pics in our head).  Inference: ongoing negative guilting thoughts suggest we're not too satisfied with our life so self-evaluate and make changes. 

A theory is something not yet proven.  When we consider the possibility of a smidgen of reality in Choice Theory, then the practice of the theory becomes real. And we prove to our self, for our self what is or is not effective.  Long term. 
The key word in Self-Evaluation is “Self”. Only it’s not really “self” because we are never alone. We have a great “cloud of witnesses”, whether in that DNA molecule syphoned from a long dead ancestor or the influencing thoughts gleaned from a stranger or the mystical concept of God.

So what are the benefits?
  • Challenge you to excellence
  • Lessens dependency on the approval of others
  • Promotes healthy competition
  • Encourages non-judgmental judgment (see Axiom #2) 
  • Ask and answer tough questions
  • Live in the present 
And all this accumulates into personal empowerment.  You have to experience it for yourself. Enjoy.  


“One breath began the journey of life;
Ambiguous with joys and strife.
What makes one, breaks another;
All of earth’s travels are for us to discover
The value of self, sister and brother.”

Choice Theory Basic Intensive Training, Waco, Texas, Mona Dunkin, CTRTC,LM
254-749-6594 monadunkin@gmail.com  https://wglasser.com/trainings/2019-03/

3/4/19

Conflict and Resolution




With so many different personality traits interacting, conflict may seem inevitable. Take heart, it does not have to be permanent. Conflicts can be resolved. Resolve comes from a Latin word meaning “to loosen”. Thus, conflict is solved when we loosen our grip on being right or having it ‘my way’.  Make relationship more important than being right.

I define conflict as “having opposing views without grace.” It does not matter with whom the opposing views are (you with you, you with your heritage, you and God, you and another) conflict ceases to be conflict when seasoned with grace.

Conflict happens through unchallenged beliefs. To blindly accept hand-me-down lore as the only viable way closes one’s mind to the wondrous variety of humanity. It is okay to identify with one’s culture, just not to the exclusion of others. Each ethnicity has valid worth.

 Everything has a trade off. In all relationships there is give and take for the good of the whole. I could have a fulfilled life without ever playing “Hi-Ho Cheerio” again. Because I love my grandchildren, I lay my preference aside for their benefit. While I may not be excited about the game, I am thoroughly involved in building relationship.

Choose your battles.  When you do engage, stick with the issue at hand. Do not ambush with a “stack attack”.  up past transgressions as evidence for present conflict does nothing to solve bring resolution.  State your position but have no point to prove.  Use “I” statements.  Communicate from your view. 

Choose your attitude. Never take the position “I am right and you are wrong.”  Be open to the fact that you could be wrong.  Even if right in facts, could be wrong in attitude.  Let your words be seasoned with grace. There is a difference in an answer and a comeback. A comeback engenders strife whereas an answer gives or asks for information.  

Take comments seriously, but not personally.  Take yourself out of the middle; be objective.  Focus on the problem, not the personality.  When do you want to know that the boat won’t float?   There may be genuine value in the information given.  Leave the emotions behind. Listen to the words rather than presumed hidden agenda. If the encounter turns ugly, back off, take the high road by choosing to not be offended.

Participate in the wonderful dance of life.  For the sake of relationship, agree to disagree while continuing to hold the person in high regard.  Know when to let go. Choose to flow.  As my jitterbugging arthritic friend proclaimed, “You can’t be uptight when you’re dancing.”