Emotional Maturity

Emotions, can you trust them? Emotions are fleeting, fickle and often false. Emotions are based on perception. Whether or not we can trust our emotions has to do with our emotional health. Prolonged invalidation, rejection, criticism and angry responses wear on one’s emotional health, making it raw and hyper-sensitive. Here are a few suggestions to promote emotional healing.

Take a stand. Use “I” statements and speak only from your perspective or to address your personal need. When a person expresses her choices, insights or feelings, it is the individual speaking and the matter can be settled.

Be emotionally honest. When true feelings are pushed aside, unresolved issues take over and seize a club to set matters straight. If another does not approve of your choice, so be it; do not feel guilty or anxious. Summons the courage to stay your ground and allow him to remain in his mood while you go on about your business. Stick to your boundaries and do not make an issue of the opposition. It is not your job to get the dissenter out of a snit; that is a task every individual must do for herself.

Recognize your own issues. Do not isolate or bottle up. Do not allow yourself to be sucked into another’s problems. Although we can work in partnership, still each must hoe his own row in life.

Respond, don’t react. The rawer the emotions, the quicker to judge response as negative. Reacting is negative. Dynamite must have a ‘reactor’ for it to go off, and the shorter the fuse, the quicker the explosion. Reacting is taking comments as a personal affront. Reacting is belittling the offender. It takes emotional health to respond rather than react. Responding is seeing the situation at face value. Responding is choosing to regard the offender as a person of worth and value. Responding paves the way for resolution.

Self-Evaluate. Several times during the day, stop and evaluate your actions, thoughts and feelings. Reel in assumptions. Quit regarding others as jerks. Stop the judgments and criticism. As you become aware how you are feeding your negative emotions, you become equipped to conquer them.

Plan ahead. Life is faithful to give us do-oers. As you honestly evaluate that you reacted negatively to a person’s disrespect, picture the event happening again with you responding in a more positive light. Sports figures see themselves succeeding before ever going onto the playing field. See yourself being calm, pleasant and respectful before going into the arena.

DON’T COPE—OVERCOME: Rather than being driven by your emotions and later regretting the direction in which they took you, learn to control your emotions and later feel good over your responses. Being in charge of your emotions is so empowering. Healthy emotions go hand-in-hand with happiness and satisfying relationships.

Cool. Calm. Collected. Cheerful.

Taking Positive Control

Have you ever considered that if others perceive you as being angry, or sad, or aloof, and you insist that you are not, then it is up to you to change the demeanor you are projecting. The more in control we are of ourselves, the less controlling we will be of others. Even though it may seem difficult we can learn to control or thoughts. It's all in predetermining what to think about and then periodically monitoring if we are on track.

Let everyone see that you are unselfish and considerate in all you do… Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about. Phil. 4:5-8 TLB 

Do your thoughts measure up? If the answer is “No”, then change your mind.

YES YOU CAN control your prejudices. Prejudice is defined as a preconceived opinion, usually unfavorable, unquestioned, unjustified and unreasonable bias or disregard of a person or thing The way to control it is to challenge your preconceived ideas. Challenge your assumptions. Do you want truth, or what you have been taught? Everyone is both flawed and fabulous. There may be a reason to dislike a person, but the package deal is not one of them (i.e. skin color, handicapping condition, financial status, job selection, nationality, creed, etc.)

YES YOU CAN control your bigotry. A bigot is defined as being narrow-minded, obstinate and intolerably devoted to his/her own beliefs, creed or party. Do not allow these to be fighting world in our present political arena. These are usually beliefs that have never been challenged, but passed down from one generation to another. Open your mind, and this is a do-it-yourself project, no one can give you a new perspective on life unless you are willing to receive it.

YES YOU CAN control your demeanor. If someone continually asks you, “Wha's wrong?” and you insist that “Nothing is wrong”, then one of two things is happening. 1) Something really is wrong and you are not honest enough to admit it, or, 2) nothing is wrong, but you have not alerted your face to this fact. If others perceive you as being angry, sad, aloof, etc., and you insist that you are not, then it is up to you to change the demeanor you are projecting. Having a pleasant expression is a choice.

FAST TRACT TO CHANGE. The biggest complaint is, “It is so hard. I don’t feel like I can change my attitude or _______ (you fill in the blank).” Emotions follow actions and thoughts, not the other way around. Change the way you think and act and you automatically change the way you feel. Switch the thinking from "It's so hard" to "It's not easy." That one simple switch gives the brain energy to do switch from assessing the problem as difficult.

FIRST, change your language. Instead of calling some an ugly name, or referring to them by a prejudiced or bigoted title, keep quiet. Bite your tongue if need be, but be silent. It is impossible to feel kindly toward someone if you are calling him a jerk.

SECOND, change your actions. Instead of pacing, sit down. Instead of flailing your arms, or making obscene gestures, put your hands in your pocket. Instead of yelling, speak in a whisper. The more extreme your negative reactions are now, the more extreme the initial softening measures are needed. It is easier to act yourself in to feeling differently, than it is in feeling yourself into acting differently. Feelings follow actions. Actions stir up feelings.

THIRD, change your thoughts. Instead of condemning someone for their rash behavior, realize you do not know what hurts – past or present – is driving this person to be so irresponsible.

Which leads us to number FOUR, which is automatic: feelings change as your develop compassion. Compassion is realizing the humanness of all human beings, yourself included. When you overreact, give yourself a break and get back in effective control of your life.

Need personal coaching to do so? Contact me. Mona Dunkin mona@solutionprinciples.com

Dynamics of Change

It has been said that change is the only thing that is permanent. Yet many rebel at change. The following dynamics may help give you a handle on the inevitable changes of life.

When change is seen as threatening, it causes distress. When change is embraced as positive and welcomed, it can be seen as stressful, yet produce a good stress that pumps you up and keeps you going. Positive changes which can be a combination of good and bad stress include weddings, new birth, graduation, job change, moving, buying new house, etc., etc. Change can represent the end of comfort and predictability, but it can also be seen as a challenge to embrace. Change should not be approached in a random fashion, but seen as an opportunity for personal growth. The following dynamics may help give you a handle on the inevitable changes of life.

Give yourself permission to change. Give yourself permission to become something you have not been before (i.e. spouse, parent, executive). We have a friend who was a stocker with Wal-Mart. He is a nice guy, but rather shy and retiring. Failing health necessitated a change. Wal-Mart moved him from stocker to greeter, and he was stressed in a negative way. I encouraged him to “give himself permission to be friendly.” Once he saw a positive slant and gave himself permission to become something that had not come naturally in the past, he blossomed in the new position.

Visualize change in small increments. See the new position as something into which you can grow. My father was a builder. As a child I sat at the table with him drawing plans, and at age nine, designed my “dream home”. It was fashioned after Tara of Gone with the Wind – large columnar porch, winding staircase, and more rooms than anyone would know what to do with. When I married we moved into a small apartment, it was difficult to see us as changing into the type of people who would live in a Tara mansion. When we moved to an 1800 square foot home, the possibility became a little clearer. When we nearly doubled the size of our house through expansion, the ability to change into a “plantation owner” has become even clearer. We are not there yet, but thorough embracing life changes and goal setting, it will become a reality.

Look at where you were, to more accurately measure where you are. Because I was good at my job, I was advanced to an executive position. I felt like a fish out of water.

• First, I gave myself permission to change.
• Second, I saw myself changing from staff to executive.
• Third, I looked at what kind of job I had done in the past that allowed the board to see possibilities in me that I did not see.

I knew a young lady who had been in a power position for two years and was still overwhelmed. I encouraged her to look at how much she had grown, how much she had learned, how much she had changed, how many good decisions she had made. When you recognize past change, future change becomes easier.

Change is scary because it takes more effort for transition.

Change is not the problem, but transition. - John Maxwell

We continually have to challenge our though patterns to see if they are serving us well, and when not, change them. When change is seen as threatening, it causes distress. Change can represent the end of comfort and predictability, but it can also be seen as a challenge to embrace.

Sight, Insight and Emotional Intelligence

There are a lot of training and books on Emotional Intelligent. Being emotionally intelligent has a lot to do with how one perceives events and what one believes in mind, heart and soul about the person or event. Perception is one’s personal point of view. Conversely, the way we perceive things becomes our reality. Only it may not be real.

Reality does not create your point of view; rather your point of view creates your reality. How so? What we see – what we take into our brains through our eyes - is processed on different levels. This processing is done emotionally as well as physically.

Physically our eyes see in stereo-effect depth. My Optometrist prescribed vision correction in a counter-intuitive way by having me wear only one contact lens. The eye without the contact lens focused on distance while the eye with the corrective lens focused close-up. Since our eyes adjust independent of each other - with a short learning curve - my eyes regulated to work in tandem to recede or to advance depending on where I focused. It became automatic. I didn’t give it a second thought.

Not only do our eyes see from different depths and angels, but also what is seen is dual-filtered through our conscious (aware) state of being and simultaneously filtered through our unconscious (programmed looped recording) identity of self.

One’s “conscious state of being” is the level of awareness at any given moment; i.e. sleepy/alert, hungry/satiated, frustrated/calm, happy/grumpy, ill will/good will – and a myriad of range within each. When a shift causes us to see something in a different light our understanding is automatically altered.

One’s “unconscious preprogrammed looped recording” is those things agreed to and embraced before having any choice in the matter (i.e. culture, beliefs, attitudes, values) and which challenges us when we choose to behave different from the initial training.

Oh what a conundrum. We interface with situations – and people involved in those situations - based on our skewed, limited and selfish point of view. That’s where emotional intelligence comes into play. It is developing the right mindset to handle the problem. It is to come from a position of responding to need rather than reacting to one’s neediness.

Emotional intelligence is preparing yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually to take on the day just like you prepare yourself physically to go out publicly. It is to look inside to see who you really are and how you are capable of behaving.

Emotional intelligence is to gain insight and to act accordingly. Insight is to see what is true, genuine and authentic, albeit not always obvious, in self and in others. Insight has the power to instantly correct illusions.

Emotional intelligence is nurtured through self-love. Self-love is any simple act of treating you – body, mind and soul - with love, tenderness and compassion. Notice tension in your body and listen to what it is telling you that it needs; sleep, movement, healthy eating, rest or laughter.

Heed your guidance system and say “Yes” or “No” when it is in your best interest to do so. Renew yourself through walks, meditation, reading, hobbies, time off, or a nice long soak in the tub. Pamper yourself with a massage; connect with a friend, or make time to just be.

Your emotions will thank you.

For Success Coaching, Counsel or Conference Speaker
contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com

Let the Light of You Shine

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond

measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”  -Marianne Williamson

 

We are complex individuals living in a complicated world.  Things are not as they first appear to be. For example, invisible atoms collectively make up everything in this universe. One of the deep scientific truths is that there is no empty space. What seems to be vacant space is filled with atoms. 

Another invisible yet power aspect is the aura surrounding each individual. Definite it as personality or characteristics, nonetheless there is a special air that precedes us. We draw to us - not what we want - but what we are.  Like draws to like. 

There is nothing to be gained by playing small. Humility has its place when not confused with a false modesty. The person who brags about what s/he does yet refuses to receive a compliment has confused meekness with arrogance. Humility is not thinking less of yourself; humility is thinking of yourself less. Humility is being true to you. 

 

So what prevents us from allowing our light to shine? When you think of speaking up for a principle or cause, what stops you?  When that promotion is imminent, what pushes you to put a ceiling on it?  When that relationship is flowing, what causes you to self-sabotage?

How would shining in all your glory threaten your comfort zone? Who would be upset if you shine? How would becoming who you are created to be upset the established family structure?  For whom would releasing your genius create insecurity?  

How does it serve you to stay small? Are you afraid of your own brilliance? 

Most are not afraid to shine unless they have been hurt or shamed for standing out and shining. How have your wings been clipped, either through reality or your own perception? Have you replaced another’s criticism with your own destructive self-talk?

Each individual is blessed with a wide spectrum of temperaments. The speedy hare may seem difficult a pokey turtle – yet each are being true to themselves. When a cat scurries up a tree is he showing off? Is a dog a wimp because he cannot climb?

For those of us who find it difficult to love ourselves, it becomes easier when we wake up to the truth about who we are. Light is released through living a truthful life. Understand you are a lovely and loveable individual, wart and all. Even imperfections, you are both fabulous and flawed. We are in “process” and – in reality - do not need to the approval of others to validate our worth. This is freedom indeed. Not the freedom to be obnoxious or stubborn, but the freedom to develop one’s shadow side. Speak the truth in love – to yourself (without condemnation) and to others (without accusation).

 

To walk in truth is to walk in perfect love, and if we walk in perfect love, then we do not walk in fear because perfect love cast out fear. 

When our lives shine of natural gifting and pure intention others will notice and be drawn to your light.  When in doubt, look inside; are you being less than truthful to you?  You have enough light for the step you are on. Keep growing. Keep shining. The world needs your light.

Truth or Dare

Lily Tomlin, portraying five year old Edith Ann, was a regular feature in Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In TV series (1967–1973).  Edith Ann sat in a huge rocking chair and recounted outlandish adventures from her childish point of view. Each segment was ended with her looking directly into the camera and boldly proclaiming, “And that’s the truth!”

Life tickles our funny bones. The comedy in Lily’s skit came from the audience’s knowing that Edith Ann’s truth may not have been quite like she saw it. We find humor in situations with which we identify. And sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves. To see our foibles. To recognize our shadow side.

 

Only sometimes life breaks our hearts. The heart ache is not from seeing truth, but from refusing to be set free by the truth we see. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to.

 

Feelings don’t tell you the truth; they just tell you what you feel. Beliefs don’t tell you the truth; they just tell you what you believe. And what you believe is your best guess at what is real. Our best guess at reality is conditioned by the society in which you live. 

 

Society doesn’t tell you the truth; society goes with fads, trends or the in-thing.  Your thoughts don’t tell you the truth; they just try to tell how you measure up to society’s dictates. Or not. Circumstances don’t tell you the truth. No matter how real they seem to be they are really your thoughts trying to prove to you that your beliefs and your feelings and your viewpoints are truth.

 

So what does tell you the truth? Life.

 

Life demonstrates truth. Life is not prejudice. Life tells us the truth whether we can handle it or not. Rain or drought or hurricanes or tsunamis falls equally on the just and on the unjust.

 

Life reveals whether our actions are plume or not. It matters not if one is a skilled iron worker or a nuclear scientist or an adventurous roof-scaling child, the truthful law of gravity shows itself to always be accurate.

 

When feelings are bruised, look deep inside to see if you really are a fool or if maybe you just did a foolish thing.  Big difference.  When your thoughts bring increased frustration or anger or sadness or instability then maybe it is time to challenge what you believe. Does it hold water? How’s it working for you?  When circumstances are less than ideal, look deep inside to see what lesson life is trying to teach you. Obey the rules of the road and the chances of speeding tickets, wrecks or traffic violations are greatly diminished.

 

Listen to your internal moral compass and obey its directions. BUT NOTE: it speaks quietly, softly, gently. It must be tuned into in order to be heard. It must be given space in order to grow.  It must be proven in order to stand firm. 

 

Need a Life Coach?  Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com   

Joys of Journaling

“I began these pages for myself, in order to think out my own particular pattern of           

 living… and since I think best with a pencil in my hand, I started naturally to write.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

 

Thinking with a pencil in hand is an excellent way of knowing yourself. Journaling is a discipline I began in the early 1970’s and it is a luxury I continue to give myself. I journal as a way of “getting it out of my system” so I can interact with people in a more loving, kind, non-threatening, affectionate way.  Reflection on self and others is at the root of integrity. Journaling is a mirror that helps to bring resolve by being more objective; it gives me insight into my actions or reactions.

 

“The trouble with following the crowd is — it’s crowded.”  Infinity Car Commercial

 

Journaling helps brings emotions and thoughts into perspective.  There is something concrete about seeing your thoughts in black and white; it helps bring clarity and meaning, rather than just having them bounce around in your head, “driving you crazy”.  Journaling helps to bring these controlling emotions into control and makes them more manageable.  It gives you an opportunity to see what you do believe and what you want to hold on, or want to discard. 

 

Journaling is a sounding board from you to you.  It like talking to another person, only to one who truly understands what you are saying and who can genuinely help you find solutions.

Journaling helps to express the intensity of your emotions without harming the relationship.  You can express hate without devastating the one hated; or at least the one you hate at the moment. And when you realize the emotion is not really burning hate but a deep frustration, you are more at east being with the offender knowing you have not deliberately wounded him/her. 

 

Journaling is a catharsis that helps clarify in writing what you have difficulty speaking.  It is a self-awareness skill that leads to overcoming.  Journaling helps you to listen to yourself, to seek resolution and perhaps leads to relationship building ways to reconcile with those who have hurt you (or whom you have hurt). 

 

Journaling encourages you to make time for yourself and for spiritual quiet time.  Journaling helps to process deep and raw emotions.  It gives access to levels of understanding that otherwise would have remained elusive.  It leads to the possibilities of writing stories and teaching materials directly from my own wounds, which brings healing to myself and to others.   

 

Not only can journaling help you come to terms with present situations, is a way of keeping a history of your life; recording thoughts, emotions, remembrances of days gone by, special moments with children, mate or friends. It is a way to record experiences you do not want to forget.  It is a way of expressing your life to future generations (should you ever choose to share them). Failure to journal is a waste of wonderful memories.  Go ahead; discover the joys of journaling.



A Matter of Perspective

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.” Paul J. Meyer

 

Perception is the way we see things. Our perception becomes our reality. Only one’s perception may not be real (reality).

 

To have a more objective perception, mentally walk around the object (idea, concept. belief) for a better viewpoint. I like to turn things around to get a different slant.  So…

 

“If you cannot imagine it, you cannot achieve it.” Mona Dunkin

 

The rephrasing is not intended to be negative but a call for a reality check. What have you dreamed that you have dismissed as not feasible?

 

How many wonderful creative things have you imagined and then became your own sensor? The very fact that the idea came to you in the first place is evidence of your ability of carrying it to fruition. We are capable of doing things we never thought we could do. The fact that we thought of it is evidence enough that we can do it or we never woulda thunk it.

 

It is that simple. And that complex. 

 

Everything is created twice; first in the mind and then in reality. 

 

For deeper clarity, I also like to rephrase statements as a question, and/or use similar words. As in, “Are you telling me that if I can mentally picture it, I can also bring it into being? Are you saying that, I can actually create it?”

 

Yes. Yes. Yes.

 

So the idea is ambiguous. Or you are too-o-o-o-o busy to even think about it.  Ideas are words. Apostle James encourages us to be a doer of the idea (word), not merely a hearer of the idea.

 

We deceive ourselves into thinking the problem is a lack of time. Wrong. It is not so much about how busy you are but how much you believe in your dreams. It is about investing your time into growing and developing needed skills. It is about letting go of fears and insecurities.

 

Incidentally, I am writing to me as much or more than I am to you.  Let us encourage one another and utilize our gifting to create the dreams that we were created to dream

 

An Attitude Shift

In Science 101 we learned the structure of atoms. The nucleus of the atom contains a mix of positively charged protons along side of neutrally charged neutrons. Surrounding the nucleus of the atom is a cloud of negatively charged electrons. Everything inside the nucleus of the atom is positive or neutral. Everything swirling around the nucleus of the atom is negative. I suggest the core of our God-given humanity is to be positive or neutral. But, like the atom, the world-swirl surrounding us is negatively charged.

The negatively charged electrons affect the structure of things. Science continually discovers new mysteries of the atom; seeing as true things never imagined (i.e. an atom can occupy two spaces at the same time).

Insight is a mysterious function that makes a huge difference in the way we view life. Insight can transform the negative into neutral or positive. Insight gives meaning and purpose in the midst of the negative swirl of life.

You are not as unhappy as you might think you are. You are in charge of your own happiness. Trying to parlay it to others is futile – as in expecting someone else to make you happy. They can contribute to your enjoyment of life, but you alone make yourself happy. It is done through finding inner joy even in the midst of difficulties.

Not all my needs have gone unmet. From the day of my birth until this present moment I have been surrounded by love (whether I recognized it or not). I have been nurtured and cared for. I (we) have had adequate - actually more than adequate - food, shelter, protection, supplies, money; the things we often mistake as necessities of life. How about you? Are your needs as unmet as your down-days project?

All we can give or receive is information. Receive information at face value without construing hidden agendas. Only give information that is truthful, respectful and for the good of all.

It is okay to not know. We are finite individuals and the scope of information is unfathomable. The more we learn about humanity, technology, space, minerals and on and on the greater the knowledge disparity grows. Over and above what we know is the expanse of our imaginations.

Choose to not be offended by disagreements. In any given exchange one brings to the table the totality of his life experiences. Are there UFO’s? What about life after death? How did they build the pyramids? There are too many variables – real and imagined - to be upset by one’s slant of the subject. Regardless of the view taken, his worth as a human being is neither diminished nor added to. When one is right or wrong, that is all s/he gets to be (not superior or inferior).

Be open to life. In childlike wonder embrace shifts with “Oh, yeah, I don’t know why I didn’t see that before?” Epiphany is an intuitive leap of understanding brought about through ordinary but striking occurrence. Epiphany is the awareness of the Divine at work in and through the mundane of life.

The law of gravity holds sway over all of us. Drag is the force that opposes movement through water or holds you down from jumping. It takes lift and thrust to overcome pull and drag. Not only can it be triumphed in aviation but also in our thinking.

Thanks for reading. Please leave a comment.

Stories We Tell

You’ve seen the TV sitcom where four or five individuals give their rendition of events. Have you noticed how each one paints self in a favorable light?

As with most words, there is both a positive and a negative slant to storytelling. Stories engage us in a life we did not live. Through stories we identify with heroes, connect with others and find ourselves. Stories have a transforming effect through battles fought and victories won.

We relate to others and ourselves as though we are our feelings. In fact, we even invent whole stories of why we feel the way we feel in order to justify or explain this misperception of our identity.

In the sitcom example, stories are told in an effort to create a different reality. Problem comes when we use stories to avoid facing reality. This storytelling leads to disassociation and fantasy. The stories are repeated to self (and maybe to others) so many times we believe our own lies. And feel hopeless. FEEL = false evidence enveloping lies.

Judgment does not help and it does not change reality. It is interesting to note the emotional component of holding on and releasing, and the degree to which our bodies are impacted by our feelings.

Stories are also told to keep things from happening. Such as, “I will do so and so when the kids are grown.” But they are grown. “Oh, I meant the grandkids!”

“We almost always have choices, and the better the choice, the more we will be in control of our lives. Good or bad, everything we do is our best choice at that moment.’ Dr. William Glasser

We must become aware of the stories we tell. Without awareness, we relate to others as though we are our feelings. It is not that feelings don’t occasionally appear to be justified.

The truth is that feelings are just feelings. Feelings are not who we are; therefore, we can choose to let them go. Choosing to let go of feelings frees us to recognize what stories we may be telling. Choosing to let go of feelings prepares us to see what is real and to act accordingly - or to refrain from acting. Not being emotionally involved gives perspective.

Feelings have their place – in the rear – to follow rather than to lead. This translates into an ability to handle life better and to make choices with clarity. It allows us to act in ways that support achievement of goals as opposed to self-sabotaging.

Choosing to take decisive action based on conscious, rational thought, frees the individual without having to relive or explain their life stories. Even though seeds may have been planted in the past, the current emotion is exactly that, the current emotion.

The emotion is in the present and you are in the present so you can choose to act in the present to choose a different present. This releases the past and sets the stage for a positive future. One of storytelling of adventures taken and lessons learned; your true reality stories that inspire and encourage.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Aha” Moments and an “Aha” Lifestyle

You’ve had them. You know, those times when the mental light bulb comes on and you suddenly understand a previously confusing concept. You can view one of mine by going to www.monadunkin.com.

I suggest the filming of that “Aha” moment came about through living an “Aha” lifestyle. A lifestyle where you choose to see everything as connected to something bigger and you cherish the placing of the small puzzle piece. A lifestyle where you recognize that what you sow really is what you reap and you take care to only plant good seed in good soil. A lifestyle where serendipity is viewed as normal and thus every chance encounter becomes a divine appointment.

Reality wins only every time. The way we see things becomes our perception. Only our perception may not be real. When life flow rather smoothly – and our body attests to that truth – then we are bordering on reality. When we treat others in an honorable manner – and our relationships bear the fruits – then we are getting closer to reality. When life slaps us around, makes us sick, divorces us and robs us of peace, maybe it’s time for a reality check.

Have no point to prove or to defend. If the point is acute, it will make an impact regardless of the pressure. Although truth or deceit may take time to show itself, in time either is undisputable. Truth stands on her own two feet. Conversely, lies fail.

Embrace change: revise, add to or discard. As life shows the possibility that our assessment is askew, summons the courage for honest reflection. What revisions need to be made? Do new facts or insights need to be added? What faulty concepts need to be jettisoned? If force has proven ineffective, try gentleness. It is the mark of greatness and understood by all.

Carry message not the person. One’s stance may be 100% right-on yet presentation results in a hardened heart. The message is “There are other facts to consider.” The reality is he has to be willing to hear. The message is, “Help is available.” The reality is she must buy the ticket and get on the bus.

We are each self-determining. An “Aha” lifestyle embraces personal choices and monitors results for freeing truth or limiting self-deception. An “Aha” lifestyle graciously allows others to discover truth, all the while speaking honesty in love and developing relationship.

Please share your "Ah" moments with us. Would love to have your input.

How to See Beyond the Mental Fog

When fog settles in visibility lessens. Ordinary objects become distorted, perception is askew and navigation treacherous. Some souls have been lost at sea or driven over a cliff.

The same is true on the road of life when emotions cloud one’s vision. Annoyance become paramount, perception is out of kilter and course-plotting underhanded. Jobs are lost, relationships are harmed and happiness is illusive.

Where you are on the road is where you are. The meaning you give to where you are is your perception. One’s emotions depend upon the meaning attached to the event. The physical anxiety is the body’s response to the thinking and feeling attached to the event. When one makes a clear distinction between the event and the meaning given to it, one is better prepared to handle the realities of life.

Example: Driving on an unfamiliar road one thinks, “I don’t know where I am.” “I’m lost.” You feel you should have gone another way; that you should have stayed home, that this road is too dangerous. Your body is tense and anxiety sets in.

Reframe: Distinguish between event and the meaning it warrants. “I am unfamiliar with the road and the surroundings. I am a good driver and will navigate cautiously. I will slow down and arrive alive. It is okay to be a little late.” Tension abates.

Example: You are told what to do when you already know what to do! You begin to mind read; “You think I am stupid.” “You think you are so smart.” “Get off my back!” You feel judged and criticized. Your body tenses as anger rises and hard feelings compound.

Reframe: Mom/Dad/mate/boss/co-worker means well. Maybe they know something I have overlooked or have not yet learned. Either way, I will respect their input and treat them with civility. Calm restored. Relationship remains intact.

Example: Botched a performance. Meaning attached, “I am a big goof. I ruined the entire event.” “People are placating me.” Feelings attached are discouragement, despair and failure. Body’s response is tight muscles, headache and depressing.

Reframe: Make a clear distinction between event and the meaning you give it. “Even though I messed up a little I gave some salient points. I am leaning to be a presenter and will do better the next time.” Let yourself off the hook. Be able to receive compliments.

All day, every day four things are happening simultaneously: 1) the event, 2) your thought regarding the event, 3) your emotions associated with what you perceive about the event, and 4) your body responding to how you see, think and feel about the event.

Reframing helps you to see what you were not seeing when clouded by emotions. Reframing takes you to a detached position where you might be able to see what a bystander would see (about the situation as well as about you). Rethink and let the sunshine reflect a better light on success, relationships and happiness.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

An Uncertain Future

We are living in perilous times. The news is filled with tornadoes, tsunamis, rampant fires and earthquakes, not to mention homeland violence and worldwide wars. Truth is, all of us are facing an uncertain future. With coverage of disasters we now know that we don’t know what tomorrow holds.

Good fear, bad fear. Sometimes fear is a good place to start. Healthy fear causes one to think about what to do next; to plan ahead. It also forces us to let go of false securities and come to terms with what really matters in life.

What you cannot control. The list of things one cannot control is long and includes: the weather, another person, the past, time, the economy and how my favored team plays. What things might you have tried to control that have proven futile?

What you can control. The only thing within your control is you and your response to things/people that you cannot control. Things over which you have control includes your words, your attitudes, your facial expressions, your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your dress, your esteem, your feelings, your schedule, what you spend, where you go and with whom you associate.

Did I say you could control your feelings? Yes, you can control your feelings, but it starts with controlling your thoughts and actions. It is easier to think and act yourself into feeling differently than it is to feel yourself into thinking and acting differently.

Go with gratitude. You also control your perception of life and situations. You will never forget what you have lost; be thankful for what you have left. Even if the remains of a tragedy are slim, you have your life. You have blessed memories of those lost. You have a change to start over anew and afresh. You have talents and abilities to employ. You have love to share and experience to give.

Have compassion for you and for others. George Washington Carver shared how to develop empathy: “How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong, because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”

Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Allow difficulties to be your tutor to learn life lessons. Have faith in God and trust things to work out. Faith and trust go hand in hand. Faith strives to bring to pass what has not happened yet. Trust rests in the end results. Have faith in yourself, but not too much as to cause it to be a liability.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

A Case Against Perfection

Perhaps Ray Crock, the founder of McDonalds, said it best: “It is better to be green and growing than to be ripe and rotting.” Thus is the basis of my case again perfectionism.

Picture it. In your mind see an apple at the pinnacle of perfection. The color is vibrant, the juices are succulent, the aroma is sweet and your senses are heightened. Yet, a mere twenty-four hours later, the fruit is beginning to wilt. To lose flavor. To rot. To be nothing but a past memory.

Relieve the stress. Stress is a natural part of life - a good part - and becomes destructive only when we do not allow recovery time. Nothing and no one can operate at 100% energy and 100% efficiency 100% of the time. Down time is not a waste of energy; it is a regenerator. And recovery time increases creativity to boot.

Good is good. Look at what you have done and see what is good about it. Also look at the areas for improvement. Rather than scraping the whole project, tweak the defects and continue.

Stop beating yourself up; it serves no productive purpose. Self-evaluate? “Yes”. Self-condemnation? “No. Absolutely not!” C’s are passing grades. To celebrate a C motivates to achieve B’s and A’s. To condemn C or B work, disheartens. It places nervous tension on creativity.

Go for excellence. You may question the difference in perfection and excellence as mere semantics. Maybe it is more the attitude in which a job is performed rather than the flawless finished product.

Excellence is doing quality work. Excellence is doing the best you can in an environment of learning so you can do better the next time. To be perfect smacks of getting everything just right or suffering the consequences of failing to measure up.

Excellence releases creativity to try, fail and try again. Excellence releases energy; perfection saps energy.

Enjoy the fruit of your labor. C’s are passing grades, so celebrate. You do not really enjoy anything until you share it. Good enough is good enough. Receive it – in yourself and in others.

It is difficult to get to where you want to go without acknowledging where you are now. Accepting what is mysteriously frees you to inspired action and a positive focus on success. And you begin to see that you are getting better and better.

Now, what do you think? Let me hear from you.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

From Suffering to Meaning

All of us are searching for meaning. This search leads to the need for change. The change process encounters pain. It is easy to lie to ourselves. We think we know our intensions and that we also understand our reasoning for lack of follow through. And therein lies the self-sabotage that begs for self-honesty. Speaker/Writer John Maxwell observes that people change only “when they hurt enough they have to, they learn enough they are able to, or they experience enough they want to.”

Need for control: Problems can be a manifestation of deep-seated fear or worry that weighs us down. It is often related to anxiety or anger about losing control. Problems may begin during a particularly stressful situation and progress with on-going “out-of-control” phases of your life. Pay attention to your feelings and see notice patterns of blame, shame or victimization.

Live today today. Be present. Objectively observe self and applaud or correct. Observe the things you avoid and determine why. Avoidance narrows your life.

This too shall pass. When negative emotions arise, you have the power to decide what to do with them. You can nurse, curse and rehearse the offense or you can chose to move past the hurt. To stay infects; to move beyond promotes healing.

Values clarification. Sacrifice transcends and is no longer sacrifice when you see the meaning of sacrifice. It is always need versus need. Such as the need to be your own unique self against the need for peer-acceptance. Be aware of conflicting values and make conscious choices rather than settling.

Evaluate your mental state. An overly emotional reaction to an event leads to neuroses. When you feel the room is closing in on you, sit calmly and breathe deeply. Focus on a distance object and say aloud, “That is over there and I am over here.” Look at your hands and say aloud, “I am over here and that is over there.” Repeat. Feel the space opening up. Verify that a Mac truck is not barreling down on you.

Develop discipline. Make intentional decisions and let yourself know you have reached a conclusion. The bottom line is, you either do or you do not. No decision is a decision.

Tests prove that brain chemistry changes positively when one interacts with people he trusts. For genuine transformation we need feedback from those who love us and we need to be accountable to them. It is through community that we learn enough and experience enough to be able to change. And in the process we find meaning.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Breaking Bad Habits

A New Year is a great time to form new habits. Habits cause us to do things automatically without aforethought. Many habits contribute to our well-being and make us more proficient. The key is to be aware of habits that have become destructive and the mindless routine in which they are engaged. Such as: mindless eating, mindless time wasting, mindless complaining, mindless spending and mindless angering.

The bad news: Bad habits take on a life of their own and seem impossible to break.
The good news: Old habits can be broken.

Better news: All habits are formed by routine. Change in routine indirectly changes habits.
Actions are formed based on what one believes. When those actions are fostered by the environment they become a habitual way of living. The action compounded by years of repetition becomes a steel girder not easily unchained.

The formula: Belief + Environment x Repetition = Habit.

Stop by starting. Life abhors a vacuum so stop by starting a new behavior. The focus on quitting creates a void and your mind or body does not know what to do. Replace non-productive habits with exciting new endeavors. What do you enjoy doing? Find your joy and dive in with utter abandonment.

Life is filled with choices. These choices include the attitude you project, the words you use, the people with whom you engage, the way you spend your money, your facial expressions, your tone of voice, the pace of your step. How would your life change with a slight adjustment in any one of these areas? A spring in the step can energize the mind and spirit to act and think differently.

Make quality choices by asking quality questions. What do you want? What do you really want? What are you doing to get it? Is it working for you? How is it working? What one thing could you do differently?

Give yourself permission to change. It is okay to get well. It is okay to do what works for you. When your contemplation reveals an action that is not working for you, give yourself permission to stop. Give yourself permission to start in another direction. Engage in new energy producing activities.

Determine who you really are. You establish who you are by deciding who you are not. Decide and speak it out loud to yourself and to others. Once you establish that you are not a lazy person, taking action becomes easier. To ascertain that you are not a grump, frees you to be more pleasant. When you conclude you are not a smokestack, you long to breathe fresh air and to smell clean. Once you uncover that you are not fat (regardless of the evidence against you), you are freer to choose foods that will support that fact. And mentioning it to others, they will help hold you accountable.

Change does not have to take for ever. The highway to our community was improved by straighten it and widened it. D.O.T. frequent posted notices of “change of traffic pattern” as the vehicles were directed onto the newly finished construction, then back to the old part, and back and forth. The changes quickly became normal and it was difficult to remember where the original road had been. Change and feel good about it.

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Benefits of Getting Your Z's

Every parent knows that a cranky child is more pleasant after her “beauty sleep”. It works for adults too. If your life has become so busy that you have decided to give up on sleep, please reconsider. There are numerous benefits. Here area few.

Sleep aids in the processing of emotions. REM is when sleep experts say dreaming takes place. Supposedly we start by reviewing the events of the day and trying to make sense of them. Thus the right-brain/left-brain battle brings on some weird images or nightmares. As the night progresses these issues are settled and dreams become more positive, going into the realm of problem solving and goal setting type of daydreaming. What a shame to get too few hours sleep and miss out on this beneficial imagery.

Sleep helps to balance perspectives. Research says that because of the right-brain, left-brain switch over during sleep, one’s dream state gives more input and creativity than one’s awakened state. Also, in the relaxation of sleep, the intuitive side willingly receives new insight from the logical side.

The old recommendation to “sleep on it” bears a lot of truth. While your body is being reset through the restful mechanics of sleep, the mind is fully active, exploring through buried files unhindered by conscious thought. The engaged mind reviews and sorts and categorizes and comes to conclusions. Even though it happens frequently, I am still impressed when I awaken with the answer to last night’s cross-word puzzler.

Sleep helps elongates short term memory. Harvard University studies taken from different angles, has impressive research showing sleep improves information storage. Students that study intensely followed by sleep then awaken to testing, scored consistently higher than students who studied intently then immediately was tested while “it was still fresh on their mind.” There is something mysterious about sleeping that allows the mind to better understand information, associate it with prior knowledge, store it and easily retrieve it later.

Experts say the amount of regular sleep effects one’s overall weight. Too little restful sleep the more pounds on the frame and the more difficulty in losing weight.

Sleep resets our systems. As a person who functioned well on only a few hours of sleep, I was reluctant to stay abed longer. All of these benefits have been motivators to me to and have definitely improved my life and health. It may take a while to learn new sleep habits and it is well worth the effort.

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Common Errors of Dogma

A person can be seen as difficult when he continues to act upon a belief that once worked for him. Life becomes harder and relationships more complicated, yet he refuses to investigate different venues. In spite of a changing technological universe and scientific discoveries, he holds own to his core beliefs and behaviors. Here are some common belief errors that result in dogma.

Using theories as facts: whether personal or professional. Sigmund Freud published his Id, Ego and Super-ego theory as fact. As soon as it was in print, his partners – Carl Jung and Alfred Adler – took opposing views. They each came up with their own theory. Many people have taken as these theories as fact. And so the ruse continues. A person may have some of the truth, but not necessarily all of the truth.

The refusal to acknowledge new discoveries. Many continued to belief that the world was flat even after Christopher Columbus proved the theory wrong. Some postulated the earth as the center of the universe, after Galileo and telescopes proved that the sun, and not the earth, was the central qualifier of the cosmos. A hermit may refuse to believe there is electricity.

Citing an authority figure as absolute. The nurturing of home and the companionship of peers can be wonderful. Beliefs such as “My mother/father/pastor/teacher/boss/friend said it and so it is so!” Error is error regardless of who espouses against it. Conversely truth is truth regardless of who denies it. Truth need not be defended.

Going with the flow. “Can a million people be wrong?” Yes, they can. This argument appeals to the sheep mentality of blindly follow a leader or creed. Thinking as a group is dangerous. Truth easily becomes watered down. Groups are more immoral than individuals. Think things through: become your own person in charge of your own mind and choices.

The more we have communication devices, the less we communicate. Listening to devices and/or multi-tasking make us double-minded and unstable. It puts us in constant partial attention. The stress associated with lack of focus lends to a sense of constant crises. It fosters a lack of commitment. Constant access to everyone makes you inaccessible to what really matters.

Failure to think it through. People often speak dogmatic non-truths because of impulsive responses or lack of thinking. They speak too hastily or answer too quickly. Think before you speak in order to avoid non-truths.

Value the dogmatic people in your life and respond to them gently. Every encounter between two people involves both people. The breakdown in relationship is always communication. When the talking, understanding and caring stops, the relationships is imperiled. Care enough to respectfully counter the dogma with something like, “Really? I don’t see it that way.” Suggest a news article to them or watch the discovery channel together. Allow the person to change his mind.


Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach.
Contact her for your next event: mona@solutionprinciples.com

Changing Times and Theories

Although there is “nothing new under the sun”, recent scientific discoveries confirm some long held theories. One such is the science of Epigenetics. This forty-plus year field of study is current headline news and magazine articles. The research is proving that our genes are not so hard-wired after all. The genes literally change depending upon how our bodies respond (react) to the events and environs around us.

According to Bruce Lipton, a leading voice of Epigenetics, every gene in our body can be modified by “our perceptions, thoughts and response to events.”

Actually we have been doing this all along, only we did not know it. How? Through adrenaline surge that propels heroic acts or the parasympathetic glands that slows us down to comatose - depending on what is needed. If one sees himself controlled by outside forces, he/she becomes a victim of circumstances. Gives in. Settles. Surrenders. Resigns to “That’s just the way I am. I can’t help it. I was born this way.”

Only we have more control over our lives than we may be willing to take responsibility for.

So why is change difficult? It goes back to the wonder-years when we were young and programmable: perceptions were immature, thoughts were creative and responses to events were childish. These early influences shaped our world-view both positive and negative. And they are hard to give up, even when we want to.

Compare it to losing weight. How does an obese body full of sugar-craving genes change into a lean health machine? It happens through changed perceptions about food and its function - from nurture to nutrition. It happens through revised thinking about health and the value of unclogged arteries. It happens through the body’s (genes) natural response to exerting more energy than consumption. Cells continually adjust. As the fat cells change, so does the body and so does the thinking and so does the emotions.

Perception and thinking come primarily from the brain. The brain wants to protect the body so it releases chemicals in response to the environment. As one changes how he responds to any given situation, the body’s chemical composition changes. The brain releases one chemical combination when a person becomes angry and another chemical combination when that sane person becomes calm.

Which chemicals do you want released in your body? Change your perception of the stressful event and the cells change.

Our fate is not totally in our genes. It has a lot to do with the day-to-day dynamics of how we respond to life. What we believe switches the genes mechanics “on” and “off”. As a man thinks in his heart so is he - or so he becomes. Physically as well as all the other “llys” - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally and financially. Give it some thought.
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Developing Critical Thinking

Critical thinking is a skill that seems to be in short supply in today’s world. To think critically is not to be negative or unfavorable. It is to approach thinking in an analytical manner, considering all points and delving into possible unknowns. Critical thinking is characterized by thoughtful skepticism of statements, arguments or dogmas.

Be skeptical. Be a little leery of what you hear and read. Have an open mind that knowledge may need to be added or subtracted. Do not be gullible and do not be overly critical.

Define words. The English language is complicated in that some words have a multitude of meanings. Also words change with use over time. Make sure you understand the definition of terms and how they apply. Do not assume.

Check and double-check your pre-conceived ideas. Are you blocking this information because it counters what you have “always believed”. Are you embracing the argument because it is what you have “always thought”. Overcome “feelings” and go with thinking and reasoning. Is what is being presented fact or assumption? Are you responding with truth or with “folk lore” or unproven statements?

Examine and re-examine the “evidence”. With new scientific discoveries things that once were supposedly proven have now been declared false. Epigenetics is confirming that there is not one gene that controls anything, thus the long-held belief of alcoholism being genetic is being disproved.

Look for other ways of interpretation. Is it always a cause and effect statement? Is it a part of the elephant, but not the whole elephant. Is it too broad or too limited in scope?

Do not over complicate or over simplify. Is “Yes” or “No” too cut and dried? Is it a truism but not an absolute? Is it an opinion or fact?

Do not over generalize. Do hotcakes really sell fast? Where is the research and evidence? Has a “common sense statement” been made it into a dogma?

Apply critical thinking to all areas of life. What qualifies the person to be an “expert”? Do not readily buy into “studies have shown that…” Be a little leery in assessing facts and figures, knowing they can be slanted to “prove” most any point of view.

Be gracious with the critical thinkers around you. When do you want to know that the boat won’t float? When it is on the shore or in the middle of the ocean? Perhaps they see something vital you are not yet aware of. Be willing to probe their observation, knowing that the final decision is ultimately yours.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”