Overcoming Contrl Issues

By nature, mankind is self-centered.  We expect others, things or circumstances to treat us the way we think we deserve.  When this does not happen, we take over, trying to control situations and people, either directly, indirectly, or covertly.  Only by giving up control can one be truly free.

Control comes from a Latin word meaning “counter role”.
    1.  dominating, commanding, governing, mastering, manipulating, having charge of
    2.  restraining, restricting, repressing, subduing

Ways ineffective irresponsible control manifests itself:
I have to have things my way regardless.       
My needs are the only ones that really matter.
My opinions are more valid than any one else’s. 
Bad case of the “have to’.”
I deserve to be treated fairly and justly at all times.   
The big “I” and little “you”.
It must never rain on my parade.           
Performance is all important.

Language of the controller:
  “You (they) need to…”
  “You should have …”
  “Why didn’t you…” 
“If only you would…”
  “I would never do that!”
“If I was you, I would…”

BECOME A RESPONSIBLE PERSON

by being responsible for…

my thoughts

my actions

my emotions

my choices

my responses

Here are suggestions for effective choices in choosing to give up control counter roles):
I choose to accept my worth and value as a person alive and living on planet earth.
I do not really know myself, my wants or my motives. 
I do not really know what another things or means through his/her words or actions. 
I am incapable of solving all problems.
I do not have the definitive answer for myself, let alone for you.
There are more variables involved that I am aware of and I am willing to consider them.
I choose to not be sucked into another’s problems or emotions.
I choose to give up control - even when it seems unreasonable.
I do not always have to have my way.
I choose to not be driven by my emotions.
What is more important, my way or this relationship?
I cannot be all things to all people and I accept my freedom to quit trying.
I choose to be a unique individual and to let others be unique individuals.
I cannot control another person and I give up my assumed right to do so.
Others cannot make me happy and I choose to stop expecting them to.
I cannot make another happy and I choose to stop attempting to do so.
The only person I can control is me and as I control me I will be a more positive influence. 

Live. Learn. Love. Co-operate.

Taking Positive Control

Have you ever considered that if others perceive you as being angry, or sad, or aloof, and you insist that you are not, then it is up to you to change the demeanor you are projecting. The more in control we are of ourselves, the less controlling we will be of others. Even though it may seem difficult we can learn to control or thoughts. It's all in predetermining what to think about and then periodically monitoring if we are on track.

Let everyone see that you are unselfish and considerate in all you do… Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about. Phil. 4:5-8 TLB 

Do your thoughts measure up? If the answer is “No”, then change your mind.

YES YOU CAN control your prejudices. Prejudice is defined as a preconceived opinion, usually unfavorable, unquestioned, unjustified and unreasonable bias or disregard of a person or thing The way to control it is to challenge your preconceived ideas. Challenge your assumptions. Do you want truth, or what you have been taught? Everyone is both flawed and fabulous. There may be a reason to dislike a person, but the package deal is not one of them (i.e. skin color, handicapping condition, financial status, job selection, nationality, creed, etc.)

YES YOU CAN control your bigotry. A bigot is defined as being narrow-minded, obstinate and intolerably devoted to his/her own beliefs, creed or party. Do not allow these to be fighting world in our present political arena. These are usually beliefs that have never been challenged, but passed down from one generation to another. Open your mind, and this is a do-it-yourself project, no one can give you a new perspective on life unless you are willing to receive it.

YES YOU CAN control your demeanor. If someone continually asks you, “Wha's wrong?” and you insist that “Nothing is wrong”, then one of two things is happening. 1) Something really is wrong and you are not honest enough to admit it, or, 2) nothing is wrong, but you have not alerted your face to this fact. If others perceive you as being angry, sad, aloof, etc., and you insist that you are not, then it is up to you to change the demeanor you are projecting. Having a pleasant expression is a choice.

FAST TRACT TO CHANGE. The biggest complaint is, “It is so hard. I don’t feel like I can change my attitude or _______ (you fill in the blank).” Emotions follow actions and thoughts, not the other way around. Change the way you think and act and you automatically change the way you feel. Switch the thinking from "It's so hard" to "It's not easy." That one simple switch gives the brain energy to do switch from assessing the problem as difficult.

FIRST, change your language. Instead of calling some an ugly name, or referring to them by a prejudiced or bigoted title, keep quiet. Bite your tongue if need be, but be silent. It is impossible to feel kindly toward someone if you are calling him a jerk.

SECOND, change your actions. Instead of pacing, sit down. Instead of flailing your arms, or making obscene gestures, put your hands in your pocket. Instead of yelling, speak in a whisper. The more extreme your negative reactions are now, the more extreme the initial softening measures are needed. It is easier to act yourself in to feeling differently, than it is in feeling yourself into acting differently. Feelings follow actions. Actions stir up feelings.

THIRD, change your thoughts. Instead of condemning someone for their rash behavior, realize you do not know what hurts – past or present – is driving this person to be so irresponsible.

Which leads us to number FOUR, which is automatic: feelings change as your develop compassion. Compassion is realizing the humanness of all human beings, yourself included. When you overreact, give yourself a break and get back in effective control of your life.

Need personal coaching to do so? Contact me. Mona Dunkin mona@solutionprinciples.com

Being Hospitable

Using our words is one way in which we communicate.

We think in pictures; if you do not get the picture, you do not get the concept. Words paint pictures. Words develop meaning based on their use.

What image do you conceive when you hear the word hospitality. Does it conjure up a welcoming atmosphere amid friendly faces with caring service? What about the word travel? Do you see adventure and excitement?

Words are alive and grow and change and become obsolete. Hospitality is derived from two Latin words: “hostis”, which originally meant ‘stranger’, and took on the meaning of enemy or “hostile stranger”, and “polis” meaning “equalizing power”. Travel comes from the word “travail” meaning pain, anguish and torture.

In olden days travel was difficult, going by foot, camel, or caravan. The communities were wide spread and outsiders were seen as hostile – marauding, pillaging, raiding and looting. Prosperous community members would go out to meet the approaching foreigners offering food and respite. This show of kindness had an equalizing power. Only after the stranger was made to feel comfortable would he be asked his name and mission.

Hospitality also has the idea of protection and guidance. Hospitality is about compensating/equalizing a stranger (host) with a stranger (hostis-guest) by making him feel protected and taken care of and guiding him to his next destination. Hospitality is based on an individual’s felt sense of duty to family and community.

Each time you feel negative, stop, acknowledge that thought and deliberately dismiss it. Or at least reframe it. Look deeply to find the root of your emotion and consciously replace it with the greater truth of your potential. This practice is profoundly spiritual and life changing. Use it. Embrace it.

Incidentally, How could our travels become more pleasant as we extend hospitality to other road-travelers - even to the guy in the right hand land that does not turn right.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER? One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com

Simple, but Not Easy

A Reader writes: 

I read your blog article, “Ask, Don’t Tell”. I have struggled over the years in trying to "ask" rather than "tell" my Mom about our private issues. It's not easy when you don't know what to say or how it will affect the relationships you care about so much. I will re-visit some of your questions so I can get a few rehearsed if the opportunity arises again where I can ask my mother questions rather than tell. Frustrated Daughter.

Here is my reply to Frustrated Daughter: It may apply to you also...

My heart goes out to you.  Many things in life look simple and sound simple but are not so easy to put into practice. Although the guidelines I give are based on personal experiences in overcoming difficulties in relationships, they are based on the principles of Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory.

Choice Theory states that the only person we can control is our self and that everything we do is our best attempt at the moment to meet an internally motivated need.  If that theory is true for you, it is also true for your Mom.

Human nature wants to be acknowledged and understood right or wrong.  It is difficult to understand where another is coming from when we really do not understand ourselves.  Repairing a relationship takes personal self-evaluation as well as developing the fineness of helping another to self-evaluate. 

In Einstein's Theory of Relativity, his third supposition is “an entity flowing in successful relationship, to a passive observer appears to have happened with little or no effort.” 

In other words, it takes work. Healthy relationships do not just happen. Readers often question their ability to handle things differently, or doubt that if their approach is changed the opposing person will respond.  Perspectives can change, and in so doing, behavior softens and relationships improve. 

the questions are not to grill or for an immediate response. Rather, the key is learning to ask thought-producing questions that allows the individual to self-evaluation. The same is true in learning to make thought provoking comments to another and leaving the results with them.

It all goes back to attitude and the intent behind the communication.  The attitude projected in asking questions, is it to accuse or to evoke one to self-evaluate? The attitude in giving feedback; is it to declare a position or to give one room to grow? 

 Monitor your attitude reflected when receiving return questions or feedback, is it one of consideration or defense?

When input is given with a “take it or leave it” stance, the receiver is more likely to be receptive. In turn, receive their acceptance or rejection without taking it personally. Relationship must be more important than being right. 

Whether received or rejected, continue to value the one you are attempting to relate to.  Whether received or rejected, set and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself. 

Don’t cope. Overcome.  The more you employ these simple concepts, the easier relationships become – building or repairing.  To a passive observer, they will appear “to have happened with little or no effort.”              

 Need a speaker? Contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com. Learn more. attend Reality Therapy seminar...

The late Dr William Glasser founded Reality Therapy Psychology. Reality Therapy teaches one to effectively face reality and to fulfill needs within that rea-ity. Regardless of what has happened in the past, every problem is a current problem as each person is living and making choices in the here and now. Counselors, psychologists, social workers and educators enthusiastically welcome his work and implement it in schools, clinics and correctional institutions.

You will learn: What you can and cannot control Resolve conflict in self and with others Create optimal environment for change Effective relationship habits Transfer skills into all aspect of life

January 23-25, 2015 at the Indigo Hotel in Waco, TX.  For more information e-mail me at mona@monadunkin.com or call 254-749-6594. 

Thinking For a Change

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” - Jesus

 

Or so he becomes. It behooves us to think about what we think (believe).   

 

Psychiatrist Carl Jung is known as the “doctor of the soul”.  Dr. Jung traveled worldwide living among and studying cultures, religions, arts, myths, legends, dreams and fairytales. His research led him to many psychological revelations such as the conscious and unconscious, the anima and animus and the human realities that connect us all - generations past, present and future.

 

Dr. Jung concluded that man is not complete without religion or myths. Mythology and religion support each other; it is our way of working out our understanding of God, the universe and people.

 

Dr. Jung’s sought to discard the “invisible pressure of being European.”  What invisible pressure do we, individually and corporately, need to examine? How can we know truth? We believe what we believe until we believe something else.

 

How can we know truth? We believe what we believe until we believe something else. True seekers observe without preconceived ideas. As sincerely as possible, accept what is whether it makes sense or not. Respect different – even opposing – viewpoints. Search for hints of truth in what may appear contradictory. There is an element of truth in most lies and a component of falsehood in most truths.

 

Live in the question. How can something as passive as mediation effect change? Where do ideas come from? Mystics and writers of profound truths lived in isolation, what does that say about our modern busy lifestyles?   Where does our dark side come from? How do we access the light? Prayer seems to work, but how? How does faith practices work for people who believe differently than me? Are dreams – nighttime as well as daydreams - really God speaking to me? Are my dreams trying to tell me things about myself that I am not yet ready to receive? How does a feminine divine fit in?

 

Live in the mystery. If the true King-of-kings and Lord-of-lords, the one before whom everyone bows and worships, has a secret name – as the book of Revelations states – how can anyone believe the name of his god is absolute?

 Are we all connected? Can people be spiritual and not religious? Are the Tibetan prayer flags and the Christian prayer shawls cousins? What about a Buddhist Zen garden and a Christian prayer garden? How can we know truth? We believe what we believe until we believe something else.

Challenge your truth. Be willing to release whatever stifles growth or engenders prejudice and stereotyping. I examine my own unresolved bias for solid foundation. When measured, is my position plumb? Those times I come face-to-face with my prejudice – such as contempt toward an obese person even though my own double-digit dress size is not that much smaller – I hear my sweet then-seven-year-old-daughter saying to me, with absolutely no guile, “Yes, Mrs. Pot.” 

 

Carl Jung says that people and life experiences are mirrors showing us to us. Give pause for open-minded contemplation whether you like or dislike what you see.  Know what you know while being open to other glimmering facets of the multi-dimensional diamond of life.

Agreement vs. Appeasement

Have you ever been guilty of agreeing when you did not really agree only to be caught up in a conundrum?  Then, because the non-agreement was not a contract – it was just a front to avoid the unpleasantness - you went on your merry way doing whatever you chose?  And it backfired on you?  It damaged your credibility? It cast doubt on your ethics? It may have even done damage to the relationship? You were called to task for not acting on your pseudo-agreement?  You find yourself stuck in excuses and rationalization and justification?   

 

“Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott

 

One may think that agreeing to appease makes things easier, but does it really? It may pacify for today, but what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or ten years down the road? Does mollifying place strain on the relationship? Is each non-truthful act another blow to the dividing wedge?

 

What will continue conciliating do for your health - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

 

Stuck is when you keep moving and it’s time to be still. That rubbing movement causes friction that leads to provocation, the very thing your false agreement was trying to avoid.

 

In a moment of stillness, consider the hard truth that no one likes to be pacified. You do not like it. S/he does not like it. Although we absolutely cannot read another’s mind, yet there is something mystical about knowingly/unknowingly discerning what is truth or lie.

 

You perceive legitimacy/falsehood in others. They perceive legitimacy/falsehood in you.

 

The current moment is attached to all your future moments. Make them ring true.

 

Think with the mind and know with the heart. Be proactive by deciding in advance how you will response when the faithfulness of life and relationships presents this scenario again. Decide your truth beforehand. Not for a canned or condescending reply, but for comfort and flow.

 

Sometimes a person will “agree” with an aggressor as a way of stopping communication. Take a moment to dialogue with yourself to find your truth then verbalize it rather than deflect. If your agreement is not true, summons the courage to speak your truth in love. “I think I understand where you are coming and I do not agree.”  “It is alright with me if you fill-in-the-blank and I choose not to be a part.” Note that a simple “and” instead of a “but” softens a descending comment. 

 

See the value in the relationship. As you work to repair the damage, respect will bloom again. 

 

Need a speaker?  Need a Life-Coach? Contact Mona at mona@monadunkin.com 

Truth or Dare

Lily Tomlin, portraying five year old Edith Ann, was a regular feature in Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In TV series (1967–1973).  Edith Ann sat in a huge rocking chair and recounted outlandish adventures from her childish point of view. Each segment was ended with her looking directly into the camera and boldly proclaiming, “And that’s the truth!”

Life tickles our funny bones. The comedy in Lily’s skit came from the audience’s knowing that Edith Ann’s truth may not have been quite like she saw it. We find humor in situations with which we identify. And sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves. To see our foibles. To recognize our shadow side.

 

Only sometimes life breaks our hearts. The heart ache is not from seeing truth, but from refusing to be set free by the truth we see. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to.

 

Feelings don’t tell you the truth; they just tell you what you feel. Beliefs don’t tell you the truth; they just tell you what you believe. And what you believe is your best guess at what is real. Our best guess at reality is conditioned by the society in which you live. 

 

Society doesn’t tell you the truth; society goes with fads, trends or the in-thing.  Your thoughts don’t tell you the truth; they just try to tell how you measure up to society’s dictates. Or not. Circumstances don’t tell you the truth. No matter how real they seem to be they are really your thoughts trying to prove to you that your beliefs and your feelings and your viewpoints are truth.

 

So what does tell you the truth? Life.

 

Life demonstrates truth. Life is not prejudice. Life tells us the truth whether we can handle it or not. Rain or drought or hurricanes or tsunamis falls equally on the just and on the unjust.

 

Life reveals whether our actions are plume or not. It matters not if one is a skilled iron worker or a nuclear scientist or an adventurous roof-scaling child, the truthful law of gravity shows itself to always be accurate.

 

When feelings are bruised, look deep inside to see if you really are a fool or if maybe you just did a foolish thing.  Big difference.  When your thoughts bring increased frustration or anger or sadness or instability then maybe it is time to challenge what you believe. Does it hold water? How’s it working for you?  When circumstances are less than ideal, look deep inside to see what lesson life is trying to teach you. Obey the rules of the road and the chances of speeding tickets, wrecks or traffic violations are greatly diminished.

 

Listen to your internal moral compass and obey its directions. BUT NOTE: it speaks quietly, softly, gently. It must be tuned into in order to be heard. It must be given space in order to grow.  It must be proven in order to stand firm. 

 

Need a Life Coach?  Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com   

How to Think Objectively

“Everyone is partially right.” Ken Wilber, Philosopher

It is difficult to objectively observe attitudes and actions with which one identifies. Unfortunately, as long as we identify with the problem, we remain stuck. To identify with the problem is to develop a victim mentality of “I can’t help it; that’s just the way I am, bless God!”

Only, it does not bless God. I suggest it does not bless your co-workers or family members either. It probably does not even bless you.

The way to “help it” is to consciously become aware of the thoughts you think. Everything begins in the mind. Thoughts lead to the language used that drives emotions into actions. To give pause and see your thoughts and actions from a detached vantage point – even with a lean toward knowing your intentions - allows your self-observation will be more objective.

Negativity sets one up to see self as a loser and others as being against you. Nether is accurate. Separate action from personhood. See the event as an isolated happening; as in “I made a foolish remark” rather than “I am a fool.” This allows you to be gracious to yourself – maybe even to see some humor – and the recovery is much quicker.

Rather than proclaiming another as “judgmental”, narrow the scope to “she seems to have a limited viewpoint on politics.” Agree to disagree while holding the dissenting voice in high regard as a person of interest – not to be suspect of but someone you might be able to learn from.

All we bring to the table at any given moment is our collected past experiences. And none of us perceive issues the same way. Keeping an open mind does not mean you are wrong. An open mind lends to objectivity; to be able to walk around the issue and view from all sides.

Objectivity asks what needs to be added to current info; what needs to be jettisoned; what needs to be kept. Appreciate the incompleteness of your information and approach learning with a fun sense of curiosity. Appreciate the viewpoint of another, either as a point of humor or a need for compassion.

Be aware of hot topics and shy away until you can respond to stimuli rather than reacting. Think of consequences and aim for those that are for the good of the whole rather than to prove a point. In the long run, what does it matter who is right?

Riding a bicycle (or walking a tight wire), one needs to continually move forward, to adjust position and monitor speed. Rather than quantify any experiences as worst or best, put a monetary value to it. Instead of “This is the best Mexican food I have ever eaten,” be more objective and rate it as a 10. There may be several Mexican restaurants in the ten category while each remains unique.

If everyone is partially right, does that also mean everyone is partially wrong? Including self? When we have problems with others it is a good idea to do some self-reflection and consider how our flaws might be making the situation worse; how is our attitude playing a part in the drama.

It is only by accepting something that we can handle it. Objectively.

Balancing Our Emotional Scales

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy, likens our emotional state to mental scales that weights what we have against what we want to have. The more we are living the life we want to live, the happier we are. The more evenly balanced our mental scales are, the more connected one is with reality.

Automotive experts tell us that cars run more efficiently on a full tank of gas. The gas is used up driving long distances or in stop-and-go traffic. The driver keeps an eye on the fuel tank and makes adjustments as needed. When the gauge is nearing ‘E’, the driver does not panic but simply keeps an eye out for a gas station to fill up.

Likewise, our lives run more smoothly when our emotional tank is full.

Emotions are there to communicate with us and to alert us to what we are creating in our lives. When you feel lower level emotions, such as frustration or anger, it is because you perceive that you are not getting what you want.

So, what’s a body to do? And that is just the point. The body responds negatively to drained or overwrought emotions. All behavior is total that includes the enmeshed employment of thoughts, actions/inactions, emotions and physical responses all at once.

Feel it. Recognize that you are feeling the way you feel and allow yourself to feel it. Emotions have to be owned before they can be kept, adjusted or discarded. Denying the emotion does not eliminate it; it just pushes it down to fester.

Self-evaluate. Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you feel. And more importantly, do you want to continue to feel that way? If not, what choices are you willing to make to adjust or discard the emotion?

The basic trigger behind drained emotions is the failure to get what you want in any given situation. The more stack attacks of such deficiency, the greater the scales are askew. Not getting what you want fits into a number of categories from the trivial wanting steak and being served soup to the serious boundary breakers. Are you willing to make the choice to enjoy cheese and crackers? Are you willing to speak up despite the butterflies in your stomach?

We are never in perfect balance but our objective is to stay as balanced as possible. Balance is maintained by being aware of your feelings and patterns. When you see yourself drifting off course, take notice and make an adjustment.

It is really hard to have a bad day when the emotional tank is close to full. Life’s journey runs smoothly as we keep an eye on the emotional scales and fill up. It is the total behavior that drains; it is the total behavior that re-fills. Connect with whatever brings you back to reality: run, jump, dance, meditate, work, play, cuddle or whatever.

Please leave a comment. Let's get a conversation going. 

Building Your Safety Net

Restlessness and complacency are twin rivals of the human psyche.

Accept who you are now and grow into whom you want to become and where you want to go or do. The fairy tale world of “Someday I’ll…” does not come true. Wishing and dreaming is not enough. Such irrational thinking sees self as whole and complete. It takes out all the temptations and struggles of today’s reality. Get in touch with your humanness, accept help and guidance and develop those latent strengths.

Monitor your growth. Set a benchmark to focus on and keep track of day-to-day progress. Studies show, for example, that weight loss is twice as effective for those who record their food intake as those who do not. It makes reality more visible, whereas non-measured activity lends to error.

Give up trying (low energy) and go with doing (high energy). Look at how far you have come “since when” and embrace where you are now. Trying embraces struggle whereas doing releases ideas and energy and results. Baby steps are okay. Success in small increments ups the ante to keep on.

Consider changing your playground and your playmates. The body is a remarkable instrument that wants to heal itself. The cells in the body have only two positions: closed for protection and open for growth. Glucose is a willpower enforcer that is released into the blood stream in nurturing environments.

Glucose “willpower” is constricted in hostile, not-good-for-you settings. Consider who is good for you and hang around them. Get honest with who/what is not good for you and limit exposure.

Change is invigorating to soul, mind, body and spirit. Like most things, habits are both good and not so good. The habit that propels you to brush your teeth is great, not so much the one that unthinkingly reaches for the cigarettes. When surroundings are the same, so too are ingrained habits.

A slight change in your environment can cause you to re-think. Replace junk food with fruits and vegetables. Put interesting reading material on top of the TV remote. Keep dumbbells in an accessible spot for impromptu strength training. Every time you chose a positive move, consciously tell yourself you are brain-training your mind.

Believe it and see it. Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality. Athletes who visualize overcoming an obstacle win hands down over the also-rans who tried to do their best. Anticipate challenges and see yourself succeeding anyway. Practice graciously and boldly saying “No, thank you” to those tempting offers that are sure to come.

There is strength in numbers. Align yourself with people who embody the character qualities you want developed. Get involved with wholesome groups like church, sports and mentors. Hang around those who encourage you, support you and cheer you on.

Be kind and patient. Beating yourself up serves no worthwhile purpose whereas self-compassion - especially in light of set-backs - leads to self-control and do-over motivation.

Refuse to indulge in the vicious cycle of error, guilt, condemnation and greater error. Self-forgiveness sets you up to focus on what you really want, who you really are and whom you really can become.

Watch your self-talk directed at others. Judging, condemning and criticizing others turns them into your enemy whether they are or not. We need community. The person you judge as self-righteous may be dealing with his own demons in a different manner than you. Just maybe what you see as nagging is a mishandled way of encouragement. Suppose they (mom, mate, co-worker, authority) see the real possibilities within you and - out of frustration -tries to force you into being you. With the reciprocity of life such as it is your extending compassion to him comes back to you.

Walking a high wire needs a safety net. So does life. The good news is that with a self-balancer in hand, it requires less and less effort to stay aright. A set-back does not mean failure. What counts is how you recover. Get up, dust yourself off and get right back on track. It’s worth it.

Let's start a conversation.

How to See Beyond the Mental Fog

When fog settles in visibility lessens. Ordinary objects become distorted, perception is askew and navigation treacherous. Some souls have been lost at sea or driven over a cliff.

The same is true on the road of life when emotions cloud one’s vision. Annoyance become paramount, perception is out of kilter and course-plotting underhanded. Jobs are lost, relationships are harmed and happiness is illusive.

Where you are on the road is where you are. The meaning you give to where you are is your perception. One’s emotions depend upon the meaning attached to the event. The physical anxiety is the body’s response to the thinking and feeling attached to the event. When one makes a clear distinction between the event and the meaning given to it, one is better prepared to handle the realities of life.

Example: Driving on an unfamiliar road one thinks, “I don’t know where I am.” “I’m lost.” You feel you should have gone another way; that you should have stayed home, that this road is too dangerous. Your body is tense and anxiety sets in.

Reframe: Distinguish between event and the meaning it warrants. “I am unfamiliar with the road and the surroundings. I am a good driver and will navigate cautiously. I will slow down and arrive alive. It is okay to be a little late.” Tension abates.

Example: You are told what to do when you already know what to do! You begin to mind read; “You think I am stupid.” “You think you are so smart.” “Get off my back!” You feel judged and criticized. Your body tenses as anger rises and hard feelings compound.

Reframe: Mom/Dad/mate/boss/co-worker means well. Maybe they know something I have overlooked or have not yet learned. Either way, I will respect their input and treat them with civility. Calm restored. Relationship remains intact.

Example: Botched a performance. Meaning attached, “I am a big goof. I ruined the entire event.” “People are placating me.” Feelings attached are discouragement, despair and failure. Body’s response is tight muscles, headache and depressing.

Reframe: Make a clear distinction between event and the meaning you give it. “Even though I messed up a little I gave some salient points. I am leaning to be a presenter and will do better the next time.” Let yourself off the hook. Be able to receive compliments.

All day, every day four things are happening simultaneously: 1) the event, 2) your thought regarding the event, 3) your emotions associated with what you perceive about the event, and 4) your body responding to how you see, think and feel about the event.

Reframing helps you to see what you were not seeing when clouded by emotions. Reframing takes you to a detached position where you might be able to see what a bystander would see (about the situation as well as about you). Rethink and let the sunshine reflect a better light on success, relationships and happiness.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

Goal Setting and Results

Nothing worthwhile is accomplished without goals and planning. An occasionally wish may comes true and one erroneously think a goal has been set and attained. Here are strategies to move you beyond hoping and wishing to a plan with results.

Be all-inclusive. We are a composite whole and cannot separate ourselves from ourselves. Since one’s core foundation is all encompassing, focus on your whole life rather than a specific area. Include family, career, social, financial, intellectual, spiritual and recreational.

Set goals that are clear and concise. Make them specific rather than general. General “I will set aside some money each payday.” Specific: “I consistently set aside four percent of each pay check.”

State each goal in positive, present tense verbiage. Adding to the above example, “I enjoy consistently setting aside four percent of each pay check.”
Re-read often. Under gird your habit mind. Nurture your ability to dream, explore, reach and grow.

Catch yourself doing right. Pay attention to your behavior that it matches your goals. To reinforce continued success, stop and literally give yourself an “atta boy” or “atta girl”. Bask in your accomplishments. Positive feelings propel forward.
Stay the course. Set benchmarks along the way. There will always be course corrections.

Do not dwell on past successes or failures; both paralyze. Reveling in past success lends to current procrastination. Wallowing in failures lends to paranoia and being your own worst enemy. Today is a new day; make it count. Succeed again and again and again, each time in different and better ways.

Visualize. Practice what great achievers; see and feel yourself accomplishing the putt or closing the sale in your imagination. Productive daydreaming allows you to growing to meet the challenges of the goal. Get excited; words and images create energy.

Continually evaluate. Look at goals set and follow through and honestly ask, “Does my behavior match my goals?” Resolve those things you have put off and get back on track. Relish the journey and the personal growth.

Refuse to plateau by continually setting newer, more far-reaching goals. Moving forward necessitates courage and focus. There will be moments of fear and doubt, but recognize this as a natural process of growth. Hold on to your excitement and determination until the feeling sticks.

Saying “Yes” to one thing sometimes does means saying “No” to another, but that is not an absolute. Sometimes the “Yes” or the “No” advances endless possibilities.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Acceptance vs. Approval

“You may love in all infirmities and even in spite of,
but love does not cease to will their removal.” C. S. Lewis



We as human beings are prone to attempt to control our environment, thus finding it difficult, if not impossible, to accept things as they are. The inability to accept self, others or circumstances is rooted in fear. Fear rejects. Allow these thoughts to give you the strength give a positive response to what life hands you.

Acceptance is not approval. Sometimes to understand what something is, it is necessary to start with what it is not. One does not have to approve of personal flaws in order to recognize another’s good qualities. In fact, acceptance of self – flaws and all - gives freedom to honestly evaluate positives to enhance and negatives to work on. Accepting one’s self gives liberty to receive others.

Acceptance is not complacency. To agree does not mean to put up with as though nothing can be done. It is to look at the locus of control. Whatever is within your sphere of control – i.e. self – then you have something to work on. Whatever is not within your realm of control – i.e. other people, time, the weather, world events, your team’s score – is not within your direct control.

Acceptance has its roots in faith and trust. Faith looks forward to the fulfillment of that which has not happened yet – as in a positive change in the individual. Trust rests in the end results. Trust is being true to your part of the bargain while allowing the outcome to just be, whether according to your dictates or not. To allow is to resist control.

Self-evaluation helps. The human condition tends to be judgmental over anything we are ignorant of, arrogant over, or non-compassionate for. Asking and answering difficult questions is a shortcut to self. Conquer your veto by honestly answering the questions, “Why do I not trust the outcome of this situation?” “By failing to accept, what are you trying to hide?” “Is it panic over losing control?” “Is it trepidation that s/he will become more difficult?” “Could it be lack of self-trust?” “Is it the fear of giving another permission to be himself?” “Is it because I see her actions reflecting badly on me?”

An inflated ego comes from a fragile place. Disapproval puts us in protective mode rather than openness to learn and grow. Your goal may be to get the individual to see another way of doing something. But the receiver perceives it much differently. Criticism is seen as a threat and threats must be countered. At a cellular level, he goes into protection mode. The individual may give in to your demands, but has learned nothing, as the mind is not in a frame of learning, growing and changing.

Choose to embrace the individual in spite of the disparity of beliefs. It is through acceptance of his humanity that opens doors to communication. God does not force the Ten Commands; he allows truth or consequences.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

Overcoming Criticism

Nobody likes to be criticized, yet there are times when critical input is, well, critical. When do you want to know that the boat won’t float? While it is still ashore? Or when it is in the middle of the ocean?

Even though the critique may be hurtful, one can respond in a manner that fosters relationship as well as self-improvement. When we graciously handle the initial sting, rational thinking returns.

Disconnect to reconnect. When you feel you are attacked, give pause. Take a deep breath to expel pent up emotions and reconnect with unbiased thinking. Reply with civility and tempered emotional detachment.

Help the critic to rethink his position with a suggestion such as, “Should we scrap the project completely or are there parts that are salvageable?”

Respond rather than react. Reacting is like pushing the “send” button too quickly. It is gone and you can’t take it back. Responding is giving rational thought before defending or denying. Responding is the willingness to be open and vulnerable.

Reframe the situation. In old black and white negatives, black is shown as white and white is shown as black. Rather than automatically dismissing a critique, give it the benefit of the doubt.

Be objective by asking yourself evaluating questions such as:

“What may I have overlooked?”

“What is coloring my view-point?”

“What additional information could be needed?”

Choose to value the person. In any exchange, all we can give is information. His/her information may or may not be valid; his/her personhood always is. We get comfortable with our ideas and mode of expression. “If the shoe fits…” wearing it may be more palpable with a cushion. The decision to make relationship more important than being right can wonderfully lead to both.

Overcoming criticism is a two-sided coin: how to receive the information and how to respond to the informer. Through thought and practice both can be mastered in a win-win approach.

Please let me hear from you. Thank you for your friendship, your business and your continued support. Let’s reach our goals together.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Leave 'Em Wanting More

Google gives several speculations as to who coined the phrase “leave ‘em wanting more”. Some say it started with show business. If your audience wants more, they will be repeat customers. Regardless, the underlying message suggests stopping while you are ahead. Or stop in order to get ahead.

To give too much renders one under-appreciated.

TMJ (too much information). To unleash excess information on another may be put you in a bad light. Too much complaining, even if valid, makes you appear petty. Too many details, even if your passion, become boring to those with a cursory interest. Too much self-depreciation makes others uncomfortable. Too much self-aggrandizement spurs companions to the exit door.

TMT (too much time). Time is a valuable gift life has given to each of us. How we use it is our gift to others. Giving too much time to a project can produce undue stress. Giving too much time to an individual can breed discontentment. Taking too much time to make a decision can leave one either behind or stuck.

TMS (too much stuff). Giving can be a touchy subject. When gifts are forced, the giver is often resented. How many toys do the grandkids need? Or even want? When gifts are thoughtless they are often under-appreciated. Is your giving in keeping with what you want to give (i.e. want them to have) rather that what the recipient wants to be given. Are you willing to give what the recipient prefers even if not to your liking? Or does it become something to be hidden and displayed only to appease guilt?

TMH (too much help). Reaching out is a noble attribute and can be an excellent way to show that you care. From the giver’s standpoint, the help may be minimal, but from the receiver’s view, it may be a boundary breaker. Harmony in knowledge and skill sets renders a pleasant exchange. Ask politely before jumping in and doing. If part-way through tension suggests too much, graciously stop without offense.

Psychiatrists Carl Jung said that others are mirrors reflecting us back to us. When you sense tension from another, allow that to mirror a need to self-evaluate one’s own approach.

In what ways might you on the verge of “too much”? Project a little mystery. Not to be difficult, just to be less predictable. It’s to “leave ‘em wanting more.”

I'd love to hear from you. Please comment.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Conflicting Emotions

The need to know that our life matters is a need that cannot be denied. Each person is wonderful, special and important. One life is worth no more or no less than another.

Still, there remain two problems:

1) Thinking you are somebody (over self-confidence is a liability).

2) Thinking you are nobody (God does not make junk).


Each person is unique and special. Every human being has infinite worth and value by the simple fact of being created in God’s image. Beliefs are important because a person behaves the way s/he believes. Conflicting emotions produce conflicting behaviors. The belief that one does not matter (or matter too much) acts out by cheating, stealing, over-indulgences, addictions, perversions and inhumane acts.

Attitude plays a part. Perhaps nothing shapes our destiny more than the attitude we possess. It seems that low esteem, neediness and a negative attitude hang out together. A person with low esteem becomes his own worst enemy and then projects others to be against him. Get honest with self and ask, “Is the attitude I project helping me or hurting me?” “How is it helping?” “How is it hurting?” “What is my attitude doing to the important relationships in my life?”

Perception is important. One’s perception is his/her reality whether it is truth or not. My aim is to help people honestly explore their definition of what works. It is to help one self-evaluate to see if his behavior is in keeping with his core values. And if not, to be given tools to make changes. Each individual must come to that personal determination. When we encounter opposing ideas that engender anger within, I suggest our conscious trying to get us to wake up.

Destiny is shaped by choices made and all have consequences - good or bad. Behavior is purposeful and is our best attempt – at the moment – to get a need met. So the question is not “Will we get the need met?”, but “How will it be met?” and “What will be the outcome?”

Awareness is a key element in making positive change. We are a work in progress and will be under construction until the day we die. Continue to learn and to grow and to overcome. Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Allow difficulties to be your tutor to learn life lessons.

Get to know you. Spent time in serious personal reflection to discover the wonderful person you are. You will find a unique human being with purpose and significance. Through meditation, be enabled to be freed from false macho or crippling shyness and become comfortable in one’s own skin. Search your heart and mind so the substance of who you are can be revealed to you. Esteem, wisdom, love, creativity, peace and joy are ours for the mining.

Everyone has an inner chamber into which s/he can retreat at will. It is a sanctuary free from daily cares, free from judgment, free from agitation, change and turmoil. It is a place where your senses can rest, where you are regenerated and recreated. The longer one stays in the secret place, the better equipped to handle the public life of the difficult. Life becomes congruent.

Now it's your turn. Share with us the ways you handle conflicting emotions, or ask for specific help in a specific area.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Overcoming Being a Jerk

In the movie, The Call of the Wilderness, Stewart Little befriended Carlos the Skunk. In building their relationship Stewart Little taught Carlos valuable life lessons. Carlos said “I thought the other animals didn’t like me because I smelled. Now I realize they didn’t like me because I was a jerk.”

Here is a simple assessment of jerky behavior and thoughts for overcoming.

Are you tactfully and respectfully able to speak openly and honestly? Do you give thought before addressing an issue? Do you respect the person even when you disapprove of the behavior? Or do you blurt out your truth (opinion) and let the chips fall wherever they may?

Can you address hard issues without undue anxiety? Are you emotionally honest about your feelings? Do you allow anger to mask your hurt?

Do you enjoy spending time with your family? Or do you dread togetherness? What is your attitude in taking care of common household responsibilities? Forced or willing? Are you a team player or a lone-ranger?

Do you recite a litany of what everyone is “supposed” to do? Do you keep score? If things do not go your way, do you raise a stink?

How do you handle criticism? Being defensive when corrected is a mark of immaturity. Rather than get honest with one’s shortcomings and deal with them head-on, a jerk tries to protect self at all cost. The ego is too bruised to handle the comment so he counter-attacks.

The jerk views his offensive behavior as an ill-fated flaw which he has no power to correct. It goes beyond being wrong to being a failure. Overcome being a jerk by realizing you have been given the opportunity of seeing yourself from another’s point of view. One outside of yourself. That the critic’s response is a mirror reflecting you back to you.

Do you mask your imperfections? Perfectionists are especially tough on themselves. Not so much from not knowing their faults but from fear of another finding them out.

Get over yourself. Become a part of the human race; one flawed individual interacting with other flawed individuals. See their comment as a meaningful suggestion not as a pronunciation of your being a totally inept person. Good response: “Oh, I hadn’t thought of it that way. Thank you for pointing it out.”

Are you willing to forgive? Regardless of how painful, do not allow a passing moment to become a lifetime hurtful memory. Do not allow your scars to turn into sarcastic, demeaning responses, aimed at the guilty and innocent alike. Start with the decision to forgive you. In time, that will give you the courage to extend forgiveness to others. Come to grips with your past so you can move beyond it.

Rationalization is not evaluation. Cessandra Farmer says that “Rationalization is giving a socially acceptable answer for a socially unacceptable behavior.” Rationalization is being a jerk. No matter how much information is given, either positively or negatively, until the individual evaluates the situation for himself, the confrontation is mute.

I suggest Carlos came to his conclusion by observing his previous off-putting behavior and assessing the lack of fulfillment. I encourage you to do the same. Self-evaluate, get honest and overcome. Even skunks can become pleasant to be around.

Let’s start a conversation. What jerky behavior have you observed? What are positive steps for change? Please make a comment regarding this post. Thanks.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Challenge Your Beliefs

Everyone has something that represents the center of his being – a career, a relationship, a dream, a concept – and that something determines his priorities and attitudes.

Concepts become a part of your life only through agreement, and once you agree, you believe. Once you believe, you act in keeping with the belief. Your beliefs become who you are. Sometimes the concept agreed to is not truth, and the things believed are faulty and the values adopted are in opposition to the freedom sought.

A person will believe what he believes until he believes something different. The values you have been taught influence who you are. The values you choose to ascribe to determine whom you become. We are not static individuals. We have been given a mind with which to reason and a free will with which to make choices. When we see the validly for change, we can make new agreements.

For example, suppose a person is taught that “plaid” people are not to be trusted, and he agrees because he values the culture that taught him this concept. When he agrees that plaid people are unreliable then his actions follow suit, and he shunned them. In time he encounters plaid people at work, in the neighborhood and at civic events. This continued exposure would either affirm or disavow his belief about plaid people. If the concept holds true, he is a much happier man for he has discovered truth. But, if the original concept proves to be faulty, value conflicts arise and he becomes an increasingly unhappy and angry man, even though he may hold on to the negative belief about plaid people.

I encourage people to challenge their beliefs. If you challenge what you believe and it begins to crumble, then you are in a position to look for truth. If you challenge the belief and it holds true, you become a stronger and more settled person. Warning: If your challenged conception proves to be genuine, allow that truth to motivate you toward compassion for the one still deceived, rather than being judgmental.

We, as fellow human beings, are more alike than we are different. Ethics cannot be legislated, however, there are universal laws of human conduct, and to violate them brings choas. There is a wide spectrum of what constitutes value, there also are standards that people around the world, and that all major religions, adhere to. Webster’s Dictionary defines conscious as, “as inner knowing of right from wrong, with a compulsion to do right.” Psychiatrist Carl Jung calls it “the collective unconscious,” meaning an inner knowing whether you heed it or not.

If your life becoming more glorious? Are all your important relationships becoming more loving? Is every aspect of your success more enjoyable? Is your overall well-being becoming healthier? Is your sleep sweet? If the answer to any of these is questionable, perhaps it is time to challenge your beliefs. Listen to the still small voice inside, and heed it.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”