Overcome Taking Things Personally

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

At a potluck dinner a woman’s contribution was several gallons of unsweetened tea.  A man in the line sarcastically asked, “What, did they not sell sweet tea?” 

 

The woman took it personally and became offended. The comment was more about the man than it was about the woman.  It showcased his selfishness of wanting things catered to his likes and his apparent laziness of adding sweetener.  It was more about him until she intercepted it and made it about her.

 

Taking things personally is agreeing while disagreeing and becoming upset. It is a selfish response that assumes everything is about you.  When you make it all about you, then you feel the need to defend yourself. Or go prove the other person wrong by trying to impose your way of seeing things onto them.  This produces conflict.  Even if it seems directed at you - “What did you do to your hair?” - maybe it is not about you.  Maybe she is having a bad hair day and taking it out on you.  Take yourself out of the middle with a neutral, “Sorry” or “Yea, I know.” 

 

By choosing not to take the comment personally, you are in a position to honestly evaluate if it is truth or not.  If the comment is untrue, choose to overlook it and pleasantly change the subject. If it is true you still have choices.  On the positive, you see the offender as helping you grow; you acknowledge the wound and determine steps for self-improvement.  On the negative note, you embrace the wound and add to your victim status.  You view the offender as keeping you down.

 

A friend of mine has greatly improved his relationship with this family as well as his own well-being.  How? He chooses to see their criticism as a misdirected way of showing love.  After all, criticism is a disconnecting way of making a request. 

 

Why be offended by truth?  For example, suppose someone calls you fat.  If you are not fat, you can more easily see how the offensive remark is more about the other person than about you. She is hurling attacks in a misdirected way of trying to make you look bad and her look good. If you are fat, why be offended by the truth?  Did the statement really make you aware of something you did not already know? 

 

Taking things personally is suffering for nothing.  Evaluate: Did you take the comment personally because the statement hit a sore spot? Perhaps it highlighted a habit you are not disciplined enough yet to correct?  Perhaps it was because of a bur in the relationship. If your best friend had comment about your hair, how would you have responded? 

 

It really is all about you.  In the unsweetened tea example, the man could have picked up a packet of sweetener and said nothing about only one option of tea.  The woman could have nicely handed him a packet of sweetener and said nothing about the comment. Although we can choose not to take comments personally, a pleasant outcome to a negative situation is more about us than it is about them.