Just Say "No"

You can learn to say “No” when it is in your own best interest. It is not difficult. Actually it comes naturally; just ask any two-year-old. What happened to take away your power is not relevant now. It is imperative that you get it back.

Start by moving. The key is to go forward. When you are paralyzed by fear or anxiety - start moving and start speaking. We are drawn to the familiar. This makes it hard to step into the unknown even when that action holds a promise of a better future. Let go of the familiar rut and reach for something new. Search deep inside for courage and trust. Trust yourself, trust others and trust God (higher power). You are equipped to handle things beyond your seeming capacity.
Find your own beginning and ending. Boundaries make trust and intimacy possible. Allowing another to make all the decisions may give a brief sense of security, but it is not sustaining. Loving someone too much is a disguise for your own insecurity. The feeling of bondage to another is more than physical; it is also psychological and spiritual. Get in touch with you to know where you end and another begins. “No” is a good word. It claries what an individual can or cannot do; what they can or cannot expect from you.

Get real. The person who continually apologizes for repeated wrongs is not sorry. If the person apologizes each time, then he knows his behavior is inappropriate and his regret is mere passive inaction. If you continue to accept the apology without a change in behavior then in effect you are saying, “It is okay for you to disrespect me.” Your lack of boundary inadvertently gives permission for the abuse to continue. Failure to say “No” to offensive behavior is perceived to be the same as accepting it. Establishing this boundary may present a minor conflict, but it is worth the effort.

Give grace. This is not to say that good intentions do not occasionally go awry and a person needs to apologize again and renew commitment to change. I am talking about a pattern of repeated conning with no effort to change. When marked genuine and accountable effort is given, then and only then, graciously allow the individual to regroup, recommit and start again.

Just say “No” is meant to be empowering, not glib. Even when you free yourself and begin to become assertive one is often still bound by fear, doubt and uncertainty. It is especially difficult when the odds seem stacked against you by a lack of resources, money or education. The overwhelming feeling is to negotiate, retreat or surrender. Help is available. Speak with local clergy or law enforcement to find assistance and support groups. Call Abuse Hot Line: 800-283-8401.

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