Control: Compete or Compliment

Mankind has been given a wonderful, albeit dangerous, gift called free-will. With this free-will we make choices that self-determines outcome. To use personal control is within one's scope to compete (disconnect) or to compliment (connect) with others.


You cannot control another person’s actions. Not only can you not control another's actions, you cannot control how s/he thinks or feels. To project your thoughts and feelings onto another is to magnify your own frustration.

For every leader who steps forth and takes charge, there’s a behind-the-scenes person who needs to be shown what to do. To denigrate either is failure to appreciate their unique place in this universe. The follower is no less valuable than the leader; s/he just likes the shadows better.

The same is true with those who openly show emotions and those who are hesitant to connect. It does not mean their love is any less deep; it means their way of expression is more subdued.

Everyone is such a wonderful mix of personality traits, chemical make-up and genes combined with life experiences, education, age differences, skills, talents and opinions that it is a wonder any of us get along. Our interaction with others is hard-wiring as well as conscious choices. The personality who races through life like the hare can be an irritant to the individual who prods along like the turtle. And vice-versa. Yet both cross the finish line. Each gets the job done.

A line in the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi is, “Lord, may I seek to understand more than to be understood.” As we choose to honor another’s humanity, his differences become less stark. As we choose to appreciate another’s creativity, her disparity becomes less important.

The opposite is also true. As we choose to honor our unique gifting without one-upmanship or one-downmanship, we find our place in the universe. As we appreciate our quirky personality without sanction or denial, we understand how others relate to us. As we develop our own shadow side, we increase our tolerance. As we balance give and take, we grow in compassion.

To accept what is, is to live in the moment. To accept what is, is to be a problem solver rather than a complainer. To accept what is, is to give yourself choices in your response. You can keep the pressure on and destroy relationship. You can detach completely and dissolve the relationship. You can work with what is and modify your involvement. The less energy you spend on fixing another, the more you have for self-improvement.

Acceptance does not mean approval. Acceptance means the only person’s actions, thoughts or emotions you can control are your own.

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