How do you handle parenting guilt? I must admit that is a pretty ambitious title. I must also admit I do not have the answer, only suggestions. Here they are.
Q: “I am in school plus I work. I love being with my two children and we have a great relationship. When I put them to bed and I need to go study, I feel so guilty because I cannot snuggle with them until they go to sleep. They cry when I leave the room. What can I do?”
A: You sound like a very caring mom who enjoys her children and spends quality time with them. I understand your pull between two important duties of parenting and school work. A key phrase for your guilt is in your comment, “until they go to sleep”. Although you put a child to bed, he must learn to put himself to sleep. Establish a loving ritual at bedtime to set a tranquil transition atmosphere. This can include a warm bath, light snack, teeth brushing, favorite story, goodnight prayers, snuggle time, tuck in kisses and assurance of your love and presence - even from the next room. Help the child feel secure by embracing a special toy. Set a safe and cozy atmosphere by turning on a faint nightlight and perhaps soft music.
Don’t Cope, Overcome. Understand that parenting guilt is par for the course.
Q: Although we are a two-parent family, my husband spends most of his time in his selfish endeavors and leaves the child rearing to me. When I go to work early, my daughter begs me to stay. She does not like her daddy getting her dressed or fixing her hair. What should I do?
A: Gloria Steinman observed that most families have too much mother and too little father. Unfortunately, the mother is often a procurator of this situation by failing to encourage dad to participate or by being too critical of his ways.
I appreciate your concern over the child’s issues and encourage you not to allow her crying to be a control tactic. Children are sensitive to unexpressed expectations and want to please. When your daughter knows (through words and senses) that Dad is a welcomed co-partner in parenting, she will warm up to it.
Your needing space to the idea of co-parenting is not the same as being against it. Talk with your mate about misgivings and listen. Do not become defensive when the other is being honest. Be vigilant against neglect while understanding conflicting emotions and attitudes. Set firm schedules with a leeway for legitimate exceptions; give and take space as needed. Together all of you will enjoy the family bond.
Parenting is a tough job and very rewarding. Hang in there.
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