Steps to Change: How to Self-Evaluate

The plea is often “I want to change but I don’t know how.” You change your life by changing your behavior. It is that simple, and that profound.

Your behavior consists of four elements:

1) the thoughts you think

2) the feelings you feel

3) the actions you take

4) and the response your body gives.

Here are five keys for success.

1. Become aware of your behavior. Stress, anger or emotional pain of any kind leads to physical problems. Rather than just react, stop, step back and purposely become aware of the situation and how your behavior may be exacerbating the dilemma. Catch yourself in the act. Once you become aware of your automatic responses, you are in a position to make better choices.

What are you feelings doing? Excusing? Blaming? Justifying? Guilting? Angering? Stressing? Depressing?

What is your mind thinking? What pictures are you seeing? What voices are you hearing? Is it relevant or irrelevant?

What actions are you choosing? Fighting? Fussing? Cursing? Eating? Medicating? Drinking? Sleeping? Fatiguing? Withdrawing? Anxieting? Depressing?

How is your body responding? Tensing? Headaching? Sicking? Clinching? Sighing? Stressing?

Note that all of these words are in present tense. Your four behavior elements are always active; you just need to become aware of it so you can choose to stop the negative ones.

2. Take personal responsibility for your behavior. The only person you can control is you. No matter how difficult the individual is your response is more about you than him.

Continually ask yourself:
“What I am thinking, is it helping or hurting?”
“Are the actions I am taking helping or hurting? The words I am speaking, are
they relationship building or destroying? The expression on my face, is it
pleasant or scowling? My tone of voice, is it kind or demeaning?”
“The emotions I am feeling, are they positive or negative? Helpful or hurtful?”
“Will I permit this exchange to give me a headache? Or an upset stomach?”

Are the behaviors you are exerting getting you want you want? If not, what are your options? You have more control over the thoughts you think and the actions you take than you do over the emotions you feel or your body’s physical response. As you purposely change your thoughts and actions, your feelings and physical will follow suit.

3. Self-Evaluate. Have a dialogue with you regarding this situation and your interaction with this person. Deal with the present. Do not bring up past garbage.

What do you want to accomplish through this encounter? What are you doing to bring it to pass? Are you behaving responsibly or irresponsibly? Are you acting maturely or immaturely? What are your top priorities? What calling is on your life? Does your lifestyle match your values?

When you become more interested in relationship building than winning, it becomes a win-win situation for all concerned.

4. Make a plan. Once you determine that the aforementioned behavior is not getting you what you really want, decide on a plan of action to learn new ways to behave. Take effective control of your life by considering: Who do you need to counsel with? What books do you need to read? What classes to you need to take? Who is a good mentor for you to emulate?

Making the plan is only a small part. The key is when will you begin? If not today, then what day? If not now, then when? If not you, then who? Make a firm commitment and honor your plan.

5. Get bottom line honest. Throughout this process it is imperative that you get honest with yourself. It is a hurt that heals. I am not discounting there may be factors outside you that weigh into the problem. I am not suggesting the other person is not a royal pain. You may have legitimate reasons to be angry or unforgiving. The bottom line is, it is more about you than her. Respond to the need, do not react to his/her rotten personality. Choose the thoughts you think. It is difficult, if not impossible, to have healthy interactions if you are mentally or verbally calling the person a “Jerk”.

Purposely put these five action steps into practice again and again until they become a natural part of your character. I had a client who told me, “I have changed, but I don’t know when it happened.” May that happen to you too. And let me know about it.

Share your comments. I would love to hear from you and your success or frustrations.


Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at http://www.monadunkin.blogspot.com/. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.