7/7/08

It's Better Late Than Never

The best laid plans of mice and men are not always followed through, resulting in guilt and shame. Here are a few personally tested and verified suggestions.

Distinguish between true guilt and false guilt. True guilt is when you have broken a promise or caused another hurt. This guilt indicates a working conscious; heed it and take corrective measures. False guilt is the nagging shame that you have not lived up to expectations - yours, societies, a certain someone or dogma. This guilt indicates hypersensitive emotions. Recognize the inappropriate guilt trip and dump it.

Think it Through. If it continues to bother you, even on rare occasions, it still matters. It needs to be settled so you can move on. Put emotions aside and use sane, reasonable and logical thinking to assess and evaluate.

Challenge Your Excuses. Why are you not following through or correcting inappropriate behavior? Is it because you are fearful? Lazy? Unorganized? Don’t know how? In denial? Disillusioned? Lack of self-discipline? Don’t care?

Seek Trusted Counsel. An incest victim was encouraged to privately share with her counselor the pain that kept her bound. In time she healed enough to break the code of silence on a family secret. Other family members acknowledged pain of either having been wounded or of having suspicions but failed to address them. Together they confronted the perpetrator and sought legal justice. Generational cover-ups were exposed and multitudes of wounds were healed.

Peacemakers Make Trouble. Peacemaking is not peace-at-all-cost by ignoring the situation and trying to pacify everyone. Peacemaking is stirring up the troubled waters to be sifted and settled. Healing came to a family, even the repentant abuser.

Incorporate AA’s Steps 8 and 9. “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all … except when to do so would injure them or others.” Relationships are always worth restoring. Whether you are the victim or the perpetrator, proceed with wisdom, caution and humility.

Give a Simple Explanation. There is a difference in an excuse and an explanation. An explanation accepts and clarifies an oversight whereas an excuse covers up irresponsibility. Do not go into a long tirade of reasons; in Dragnet fashion, state “Just the facts Ma’am”.

Be Sincere. In the Greek agoras, statues were mass produced one at a time. The artisan covered up his slip-of-the-chisel with a cleverly molded wad of wax. The buyer unawares bought the flawless statue, pleased with his purchase until the hot sun either melted the cover up or discolored it. Truth in advertising prevailed. True Greek artisans stamped their crates “Sincerieta”, meaning without wax. Be genuine and without false humility. Do not gloss over your mistakes, remorse, shame or embarrassment. Be an adult and make amends with grace.

Rest in the End Results. Whatever the outcome, be an adult and receive the person’s response with grace. Embrace a relationship restored and communicate to keep it healthy. For a brief time, grieve a restoration rejected and move on, continuing to hold them in high regard as a person of worth and value.

Live in a State of Self-Evaluation. Continually evaluate your attitudes and actions and be responsible for your responses. Is what I am doing helping or hurting? How is it helping? How is it hurting? What can I do to improve my communication skills? How can I develop a greater empathy? Do I push people away or draw them in? How am I being a jerk? How am I maturing and overcoming?

Some of the greatest lessons learned are those we missed the first time. Life is faithful to give us the tests over and over until either we pass or die. We’ll still die even when we learn from past failures, but perhaps death will be more peaceful with friends and loved ones nearby.

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