Calming an Angry Person

A client confessed, “When I encounter a difficult person I have a tendency to become difficult in response and I don’t like that.”

Anger is an emotion common to all. However, the manner in which we display this emotion is within our control. An angry person is difficult to communicate with. Whether employed by a two year old or an adult, angry outbursts are temper tantrums meant to control another.

There are two types of temper tantrums. One is whim-of-the-moment-frustration. The other is pent-up wrath over unresolved issues. Learn to distinguish between the two and respond accordingly, whether calming yourself or another.

Unprovoked angry outbursts. Frustration is the feeling one has when life says “No” and we wanted it to say “Yes”. The impulsive outburst is a release of emotions based on denial, fear, irritation, hunger, fatigue or illness. It is a sudden thought, want or feeling rather than reason or need. In a state of emotional anger, a person gives opinions rather than genuine thinking.

Ways to respond:
• Give compassionate attention by approaching in a calm and reassuring manner.
• Respond with kindness. Be tough on behavior and gentle with the person.
• Understand. Acknowledge his/her pain.
• Encourage self-control. Ask the individual to sit a moment and catch his breath.
• Empathize. Consider that in similar situations you may have acted rashly. Be compassionate where you have developed self-control.
• Give guidance, not condemnation or criticism.
• Value the individual regardless of behavior.
• Help the person to determine a solution; suggest, do not command.

Chronic wrath. Another type of temper tantrum is an outcropping of ongoing pent up unexpressed anger. The outburst is an attempt to control. Unresolved anger smolders and acts out in a variety of ways including aggression, passive-aggressive moods and irrational behaviors. It is manipulative. It is trying to get one’s way, regardless of how the absurdity. This anger is the breeding ground for violence.

Ways to respond:
• Be an adult in the situation. Do not sink to the angry person’s level of wrath
• Stay calm and speak in quiet tones. Whisper if necessary to quell the other’s shouting.
• Do not allow their manipulative behavior to be effective. If the person gets you angry, as diabolical as it seems, s/he has accomplished a goal, whether she gets what she wants or not.
• Respond to the need rather than react to the behavior.
• Ask “What” to illicit an honest response, rather than “Why” blames or justifies.
• Allow the individual to own his own feelings. They are legitimate, even if irrational.
• Give appropriate space. When push comes to shove, DON’T.

When we are able to verbalize the injustice – and are heard (without judgment or condemnation) - we are in a position to do the necessary emotional work that leads to overcoming. As one is able to appropriately express emotions he/she becomes a more developed person.

Let's talk. Share how you have handled a difficult situation or where you may need encouragement.

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