The Relationship Question

It’s all about relationship. Will they do what you want because they want to please you? Will they do the opposite of what you want because they want to spite you?

The Ultimate Question is: "Is what I am about to say or do going to draw us closer together or push us farther apart?"

Do you habitually fall into using the seven deadlies? They chip away at the relationship. Whereas, practicing the seven caring habits built, reinforce and repair. Pay attention to your interaction with mate, children, co-workers, boss, neighbors and strangers. Once you are aware you are in a position to decide which really work and which you want to incorporate.

Criticizing is a disconnecting way of making a request. Reframe the situation into an appeal.

Complaining is negative communication to a person about that person in an attempt to control him to stop something or to start something.

Blaming is disregarding your own involvement and turning the situation into the other person’s fault, thus placing you as the victim. “We are late because you did not clean up your mess.”

Nagging is repeating over and over and wrongly assuming it will help. “If you said it three times and they haven’t done it probably saying it three thousand more times will not get it done either.” Dr. Glasser

Threatening is pointing out negative outcome without allowing truth or consequences or without follow through.

Punishing is following through on your threat but done in a demeaning, demoralizing way. Punishment leads to rebellion more than to correction. Punishment temporarily appeases the ‘victim’ while solidifying spite in the offender.

Bribing is rewarding to get what you want and does not help the individual do what you want out of respect. For bribing to continue to work the reward needs to get bigger and better the next time. Once the bribes stop, negative behavior returns or worsens.

If this list has given you an “ouch”, don’t try to stop. Do start to pay attention. Increased awareness will help you stop without trying. The more you incorporate the seven caring habits, the easier and quicker the transition.

Supporting is being there. It is maintaining a foundation to fall on and to rebuild upon. It is not agreeing with but believing in.

Encouraging is to pour courage into. It is seeing undeveloped potential and believing in the person before he believes in himself. It is projecting a “you can do it” attitude until they acquire a fledgling “okay, maybe so” outlook. It is your verbal evidence that helps him believe in himself.

Listening is hearing where the person is coming from, not to agreement but to understanding. Once an individual feels understood, he is better equipped to evaluate whether to proceed or to adjust.

Trusting is having faith in something not as yet seen. When trust has been broken rebuilding can be difficult but not impossible. Who among us has not made a promise and failed to follow through. It takes a healthy dose of skeptical believing in self as well as in the other. It is talking about the infraction, giving and receiving forgiveness and making plans to prevent it from happening again. When someone repeatedly breaks trust you need to trust what that behavior is showing you.

Accepting is one flawed individual getting along with another flawed individual. It is understanding the innate worth and value of the person over and above his/her imperfections.

Respecting is treating the other person as though you were the other person. Respect looks different to each of us. You know what respect looks like to mom (child, mate, boss, friend). Give her what she wants not what you want in a similar situation.

Negotiating Differences is working together for an amiable solution. It takes communicating; speaking, listening, understanding, consulting and adjusting until the issue has been resolved in a way that is satisfactory to both/all.

The more you incorporate the seven caring habits, the easier and quicker the transition - and the more enjoyable the relationships with self and others.

Let's communicate. Leave a comment about your caring relationship habits.