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3/15/16

Agreement vs. Appeasement


Have you ever been guilty of agreeing when you did not really agree only to be caught up in a conundrum? Then, since the non-agreement was just a front to avoid unpleasantness - you went on your merry way doing whatever you chose?

And it backfired on you?

It damaged your credibility? It cast doubt on your ethics? It may have even done damage to the relationship? You were called to task for not acting on your pseudo-agreement?  You find yourself stuck in excuses and rationalization and justification?

“Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott


One may think that agreeing to appease makes things easier, but does it really? It may pacify for today, but what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or ten years down the road? Does mollifying place strain on the relationship? Is each non-truthful act another blow to the dividing wedge?

What will continue conciliating do for your health - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

Stuck is when you keep moving and it’s time to be still. That rubbing movement causes friction that leads to provocation, the very thing your false agreement was trying to avoid.

In a moment of stillness, consider the hard truth that no one likes to be pacified. You do not like it. S/he does not like it. Although we absolutely cannot read someone's mind, there is something mystical about knowingly/unknowingly discerning what is truth or lie.

You perceive legitimacy or falsehood in others. They perceive legitimacy or falsehood in you.

The current moment is attached to all your future moments. Make them ring true.

Think with the mind and know with the heart. Be proactive by deciding in advance how you will response when the faithfulness of life and relationships presents this scenario again. Decide your truth beforehand. Not for a canned or condescending reply, but for comfort and flow.

Sometimes a person will “agree” with an aggressor as a way of stopping communication. Take a moment to dialogue with yourself to find your truth then verbalize it rather than deflect. If your agreement is not true, summons the courage to speak your truth in love. “I think I understand where you are coming and I do not agree.” “It is alright with me if you fill-in-the-blank and I choose not to be a part.” Note that a simple “and” instead of a “but” softens a descending comment.

See the value in the relationship as you work to repair the damage. Respect will bloom again. 

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