Speaking Up

"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.
Oliver Herford

The dictionary defines civility as the display of politeness and good manners, and is often interpreted as not hurting another’s feelings. Yet sometimes the most civil thing we can do is to hurt another’s feelings. The key is intention. Allow it to be a hurt that heals, not a hurt to wound.

Each adult make decisions for his own life. Each individual has the right to make her own choices, even bad ones. In our society there seems to be an invisible elephant in the room of “live and let live”. However, for the good of the whole, there are times when one may feel compelled to speak up. Whether or not the relationship remains in tack depends largely on the manner in which input is given. Speak gently and continue positive regard to the offender.

Speak up and then back off. Your point has been heard and will not be forgotten, even if not acted upon. No matter how delicately you voice your stance, it will be seen as judgment; and in reality, it is. You are judging your way to be right against your judgment of how she is handling her life.

Continue to speak only when invited to do so. Never argue. To repeatedly bring up the issue is to cross the line from giving input to forcing another to adhere to your dictates. You are within your human right to take a stand, but not to force the issue. Pressing your stance on another forces him to rationalize his behavior and doggedly hold on as proof that his choices are honorable.

Stand firmly, yet lovingly. Show compassion toward the offender without compromising your principles. Stand for rightness without being self-righteous. If necessary, refuse to participate in an activity, decline an invitation to an event or disassociate with rebel rousers; all the while holding the individual in high regard. It shows in your attitude.

Choose to not be offended by her harsh denouncements and do not justify your position. Without words being spoken, concern and judgment are shown in facial expressions – one is soft and the other is harsh.

Allow the individual to change. When one does not have to rigorously defend his stance he becomes more open to another view. Each of us believes what we believe until we believe something else. When the offender’s attitude softens, let it. Do not pounce with critical statements. An individual will never change until it becomes his decision.

Depending on the severity of the situation, there may be times for outside intervention. Being a peacemaker is not peace-at-all-costs. Sometimes peacemaking is stirring the waters for things to come to the surface to be skimmed off and settled. In dangerous situations, outside agents need to be involved; they are trained to be helpful and objective.

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