Erroneous Boundaries

Boundaries are another of those life issues that we need just enough of. The irony is that too many or too few produces the same effect: an insecure individual.

"There is no potential in your past; only potential in your future." Ginger, CWJC

Picture it. An individual partially encased in a brick wall on three sides, holding it tenuously in front like a shield. The wall is held high enough so feet and legs are visible under the wall, but not high enough to protect the head. It gives the false impression of protection while leaving the individual vulnerable to self-destruction.

What’s wrong with this picture? One, with the wall not grounded on a foundation, vermin crawl in from the bottom. Under the skirt. Low-life. The untrained rebel invites in those who feign love, but do not really care. Naïve inclusion.

The second thing wrong is with the wall mistakenly being held too high, the individual’s vision is limited. Cannot see the big picture. Will not see the destruction or rescue ahead. With one’s “head-in-the-sand”, it keeps out those who really care. Hostile exclusion.

Although war may be declared on the world, is it really the battle within? The person who feels unworthy of love becomes over-responsible. Where there is acceptance and respect, love blossoms.

Dismantle the wall, do not destroy it. As much as we may live in an instant society, genuine growth takes time. To destroy the wall too quickly would leave one exposed, weak and vulnerable. Plus, you will need parts of it later in setting healthy boundaries; to build a prop, not a prison. Be encouraged, change does not have to take forever. Be open to receiving insight and help.

Forced boundaries are often a relief. As a teen our daughter was responsible and I willingly gave her permission to go with her friends. Only there were times she secretly wished I had said, “No”. Sometimes we need someone to be the heavy for us, someone to step in and keep us from crossing the line.

She and I developed a plan. When it was a group she wanted to go with, she would ask, “Mom, may I go?” Those times she sensed it best not to go, she would say, “Mom, so-and-so wants me to go….” I willingly became the “bad guy” and said “no” to help her avoid a negative situation.
It can be hard to stand up to peer-pressure at any age. Until you develop the muscle to say “No” when it is in your own best interest, engage a confident to bail you out. Allow a caring family member to get involved. Truth be told, they may have been helping you all along, you were just in a state of rebellion and saw it as nagging. Allow that really caring relationship to work for you. Help is seen as intrusive when unasked for, and as a God-send when the need is acknowledged.

Setting parameters – by yourself or with help - can actually increase the fullness of your life. Less really is more. Let go of the wall and embrace a shield.

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