Communicatoin Challenges

A challenge in communication is assuming the other party is as interested in the subject as you are.

Our daughter frequently baby-sat while growing up. One child was quite loquacious and would talk on and on. In the midst of a lengthy tirade, she stopped abruptly and proclaimed, “Who cares? Nobody cares!” 

Initially I found the comment amusing.  But as I observed the child’s crestfallen expression, I realized she was repeating to herself what had been replicated to her by someone she loved.  I felt her pain of being dismissed. 

Allow the following suggestions to help you ward off such rejection. 

Consider self before condemning another. How many times have you been guilty of the following scenarios?

• Hearing but not listening? 
• Taking a mental vacation when someone is pouring out their heart to you? 
• Asking a question without giving heed to the answer?  Interrupting? 
• Preferring the TV over your companion’s conversation? 
• Dismissal through a variety of attitudes and actions? 

Discern casual comments vs. committed inquiry.  On the receiving end, “How was your day” is more of a pleasant greeting than an invitation for an in depth conversation.  On the giving end, if you not are genuinely interested in a detailed account of another’s health, rather than asking, “How are you”, simply make a pleasant comment to acknowledge their presence. 

Choose to stop pushing.  A definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.  To force attention is to fend off what you are pursuing.  Instead of getting louder or more demanding, simply decide to speaker slower, softer or perhaps to lovingly simply quit speaking. 

Be gracious. Attitude is always more important than the action. Whether stopping or pursuing, monitor your attitude. Give a civil response; make your voice soft, your facial expression pleasant and your words agreeable.  Do not engage in resentment or revenge.      

Choose to not be offended.  And it is a choice.  We have a need to connect with others.  The deeper our human contact need, the more easily a presumed disregard hurts. 

Teach others how to treat you.  When the offending party comments on your withdrawal, politely respond by continuing the dialogue and bring your remarks to a quick conclusion.  When you respect them by not pushing, they learn to respect you by becoming more caring.     

Give/receive forgiveness.  If the offending party does not acknowledge that you have abandoned your input, make up your mind to forgive him/her anyway.  When the offending party apologizes – then or later – cordially accept. 

By following these guidelines perhaps the connection will occur more frequently.

And the little girl? I smiled and encouraged her to continue.  I took care not only to listen, but also to hear.