Reinforcing Boundaries

In this economy of lay-offs and role reversals, boundaries often become clouded. A working wife recently mentioned the frustration of needing downtime after a hectic workday and her house-husband's failure to honor that request. Here are some thoughts for being true to yourself.

Need vs. need. Trouble ensues in any relationship when prevailing attitudes are “my need is more important than your need.” We are needy individuals and it is okay to have your needs met. And they can be, in ways that are good for you and the relationship.

The value of appreciation. Anything that appreciates goes up in value. An authentic appreciation of your mate’s role in what he does lends itself to understanding and a willingness to negotiate. Having an appreciation of your contribution to the family can give you the confidence to firmly, yet kindly, set your boundaries of what you do or do not need.

Be a polite nag. Sometimes a person has good intentions yet fails to follow through. If your boundaries are not honored, speak up with a gentle reminder. Change occurs easiest when it is the person’s idea. Say something like, “Have you forgotten that you have agreed to allow me decompression space when I get home?”

Provided his response is civil, it may be necessary that you speak up again and again until he “gets it”. And graciously accept a slip and an apology. As Alan Alda says, "Be fair with another and stay after him until he is fair with you."

Find an adequate alternative. On the way home, stop by your favorite coffee shop for quiet time. Don your headphones and jogging suit and go to the park.

Delay is not denial. Perhaps your need to be self-nurtured outweighs your need to interact. Perhaps his need for companionship outweighs his need to respect your space. What about a switch-a-roo? Come home to a loving embrace and share a few moments of casual conversation – being genuinely concerned about each other’s day - then slip away for solitude.

It is my consensus that the most mature one in the relationship will make the most concessions. But never do so at the expense of you. Stuffing your irritation and later exploding is unfair to both of you. Make relationship more important than rights. When sacrifice is for the betterment of all, it transcends, and is no longer a sacrifice.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.