Changing Perspectives

 

All we have thus far in life is our experiences. Those experiences are both general (with people) and specific (with individuals). When specific understanding is confirmed by generalities, perceptions become concrete. When general experiences are matched by specifics, perception changes.

Living with a “get” mindset is common and so subtle that most aren’t aware it’s happening. Simply put, living in a get mindset refers to thoughts or feelings stemming from a lack or scarcity. It’s seeing the glass as half empty vs. half full. Half empty thinking is about what is missing, what’s lacking and ultimately, what you need to get to fill it all the way up.

“There’s enough for our need but not for our greed.”  Gand

When you see the glass as half full, you're more in a be, do, have, and give, mindset. You're not worried about the glass not being completely full. You're confident that you're a vibrational match for the abundance you want and that you're doing what is needed. 

Confucius said, “Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.”

If you do not fall into one of those two categories, here are some thoughts on choosing to change.  Change is good.  Change is the only thing that is permanent and our adjustment to it keeps life in balance.  

All we have thus far in life is our experiences. Those experiences are both general (with people) and specific (with individuals). When specific understanding is confirmed by generalities, perceptions become concrete. When general experiences are matched by specifics, perception changes.

Every choice has its own set of new circumstances. Restlessness causes one to consider that the devil-you-do-not-know is better than the devil-you-know.  However, quitting the job or leaving the marriage brings with it both solutions and problems. If the problem within you has not been settled, it shows up in the next employment or relationship.

Look within. Monitor your pre-conceived perceptions for truth or error. Check your attitude for off-putting or engaging. Screen your responses for answers rather than comebacks. 

Change your mind. Each time you feel negative, stop, acknowledge the thought and deliberately dismiss it. Look deeply to find the root of your emotion and consciously replace it with the greater truth of your potential. As Coach Lombardi says, “Potential meals you ain’t done it yet.” This practice is profoundly spiritual and life changing. Use it. Embrace it. 

Make a decision.  Indecision keeps you stuck. Wrong decisions can be examined and corrected but indecision causes one to stagnate.   

Renew your environment.  The space in which you live, and work have a major impact on the way you see things. Move the furniture, add new accents, and replace dated items.   Changing small things about your environment gives the opportunity to think differently as your mind will not have the familiar rut to fall back into. A commitment to date-night can work wonders in a sagging marriage.  

Use the zoom focus.  When you are overwhelmed with tiny, yet significant details, zoom out and see the bigger picture. When the demands of marriage, parenting or work seem too much, project years down the road to relaxation, grandchildren and retirement. Mentally see the result of your current struggles. This skill can be your saving grace. 

Consciously relax.  The ability to relax is directly connected to constructive critical thinking. Look honestly at the situation and develop an “even though” mantra. “Even though I am engulfed with frustration, I lovingly accept that I am a person of infinite worth and value and I release my failure.”   

 Think about what you think about.  The soil will return whatever seeds you sow, but the land does not care what you plant. You become what you think. Whatever seeds you nurture in your mind will return to you. Make them encouraging and positive about you and about others. 

We are not static individuals; we are continually being exposed to new information. Become aware of it and be open to change. Take a hint from Tony Luna's advice below. 

" …to be fully appreciated, I had to be me. I didn’t have to act like anyone else. I wouldn’t be overlooked if I was true to myself. I just had to be the best me I could be. It may not sound               like much to anyone else, but it was one of the biggest revelations of my life." Tony Luna

 

 

How Can 2023 be Different?

The answer is YOU. 

Things can be different depending on you and your choices, your thoughts, and your actions. Change depends on your receiving and on your giving.

Notice that receiving precedes one's giving. We are not self-made individuals. We absolutely cannot give out of an empty basket. 

The more a muscle is exercised, the stronger it becomes. It's the same with gratitude and possibilities. When come one counts on you to do something, you must deliver. It is the same principle with counting on yourself. 

We are in the third week of a new year. That can be a letdown after the pump of new year celebrations and the hype of incoming universal success. Physics speaks of time/space continuum so no worries. You still have time. You will always have time. 

Time is not the issue, action is. And perception is. 

Question: What would make you happy right now?

Stop and think. Speak it aloud. 

And now, are you confused?

Please notice that "make" is an outside force. The more I employ the fact that each individual has been given a freewill, and that we can utilize Choice Theory psychology in every mode of decision making, I realize that no one can make us do anything we do not want to do. It is always our choice. 

Even the choice to put off the "New Year" success race. Or not. 

A new year brings us face to face with the truth of life cycles. There is history to back up the "whys" of cycles, and the beginning of calendars, etc., etc., but the essence of cycles encompasses a much broader scope. 

There are cycles of all kinds - three meals a day, sleeping, waking, blue Mondays, TGIF's, months, years, breath, grooming, pay bills, taxes, laundry, work, birthdays.... 

Cycles unfold as repetitive patterns. But will they be new or the same old same old? Will we sleep through another year, or will we become awakened?

Consider this: An old year ends every day of the present year and a new one begins. No matter what day you choose to embrace the following concept, facts are when you change your ideas, your mind, your words, your intentions, your actions, you change your life. 

Why? Because life is relational. Life relates to us as we relate to life. Life is interpersonal. 

What are you wanting from 2023? What are you wanting from yourself? What are you imagining that you do not dare speak aloud? Or are you afraid to make plans because of past failures? 

As much as we want to think of a new year as magical, it just isn't so. The change must be within. It may be a new day, a new year, a new challenge, but if we stay the same, things will not change. It may be a new job, a new marriage, a new city, a new church, but unless we wonk on the inside character qualities, things will stay (or become) the same as now. 

Seeing where we are now, seeing who we are now, or what we are now, is one of the most challenging steps in getting where we want to go and being who we want to become.

SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT CHANGE

   1.  Change is the only thing that is permanent. 

  2.  Change is awkward and seems difficult because it is different.

  3.  Change becomes easier once you get over the fear of changing.

  4.  Change becomes easier once you see the benefits of change.

  5.  Change can be risky and well worth the risk.   

  6.  Change is slow and incremental but does not have to take forever. 

  7.  Change does not come by knowledge or insight alone, but by action.

  8.  Change is growth. To resist change makes growth difficult.

  9.  Change is accomplished through action.  

10.  Change is fun once you receive enough you can change.

True change comes with an adjustment in thinking, feeling, and doing. It is with intellect that we reason, weigh, consider, and understand the issues of life. It is with our emotions that we feel the issues of life such as joy, sorrow, pride, shame. It is with the will that we decide the issues of life. That we say yes or no to opportunities, yes or no to temptations, yes or no to actions.

Habitual Emotions

One’s behavior seems automatic. It is hard to believe –consciously or unconsciously, on purpose or default – that you chose it. Repeated behavior becomes habit. 

Habit takes on a life of its own and seems innate; that you just can’t help it – that it is just the way I am. When confronted by a negative attitude or action one may rationalize, “Everybody’s that way.” 

Being pleasant and thankful when things go your way is a habit you taught yourself.  So is being disagreeable and unappreciative when things do not go your way. Being agreeable or disagreeable both are habits you taught yourself and they habitually surface upon command. 

 “Surface comes from the French meaning “above the face”. The behavior probably seems automatic and is thus hard to see as your having set it. What is “above the face” is also hidden in your creative mind and out of your known control. Repeated behavior becomes habit.

Stop and ponder:  Have you ever responded negatively in a situation and blamed the circumstances for your behavior?  “You made me mad.” “The traffic made me late.” “You did me wrong and I’ll show you!”

Someone or something making you do something is not like an allergy to cats. With an allergy your body’s immune system automatically responds whether the kitten is cute and cuddly or if it is a mangy flea-infested stray.

Get honest and think hard.  Has a similar situation occurred, and your response was different? “No big deal.”  “No harm done.” 

If one day Sue/Sam “made you mad” and the next day – when you were more rested or were not so rushed or so stressed or had spent time meditating or whatever to put yourself in the better frame-of-habit-mindset – then obviously Sue/Sam was not the organic cause of your negative response. In either scenario, you drew on habit responses you taught yourself. 

Forming new habits involves awareness. To determine what you do want to change starts with understanding what you do not want to change. Exert mental effort to become aware of your attitude and behaviors – those times you are pleased with yourself for speaking rationally or remained calm or for boldly asserting yourself. Out of this awareness determine effects and whether you wish to maintain them – or not. 

Forming new habits involves doing one thing differently. Every time we modify our behavior, we have a different experience. This new experience sends a new footpath to our brain. Treading this new path again and again causes our brain to become wired, or habituated to new attitudes, actions and outcomes. 

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Avoid the stack-attack-syndrome of frustrated aggressive behavior by learning a sever-assessing-system of assertiveness – one step at a time – one path at a time – to a new hard-wired brain habit.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America’s most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought-provoking poems. monadunkin@gmail.com   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loving Boundaries

 

Please read the following Title and Statement aloud. 

 Whta’s Thsi? 

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it doens;t mttaer in what odrer the ltters in a wrod are, the only iprmoetnt tginh is that seom of the ltters aer in eht rghit pclae. Eht rset can be a ttoal mses and you can sitll gte the masesge.

Did you get the message? Even though it was somewhat scattered?

Do you receive messages from others that seem confusing? Yet with loving awareness can be the message be understood?  

PhD Meg Blackburn Losey defines disconnect as “a series of simplicities that have become entangled.”

Think jewelry.  Necklaces lying side by side that innocently becomes entangled and how difficult it can be to separate. To return to alignment. We live in a world filled with layer upon layer of spectrums. No wonder the entanglement and confusion. 

Yet, separation is an equal part of our disconnect and confusion problem.

Example:  A working wife is frustrated and needs downtime after a hectic workday, while child tending househusband fails to honor that need.  His need for quiet time anticipates mom being mom for a while. And what about the children and their respective needs?   

I think of the Special Olympics race and the little boy who was ahead of the group. He saw the others behind him, turned around and started running toward them, saying, “Let’s all win together.” 

Need vs. need. Trouble ensues in any relationship when prevailing attitudes are “my need is more important than your need.” We are needy individuals, and it is okay to have your needs met. With loving boundaries, needs can be met and sustained in ways that are good for you and for the whole.

The value of appreciation. A gem well-tended goes up in value.  A home well maintained goes up in value. Anything that appreciates goes up in value. An authentic appreciation of another’s role lends to understanding and a willingness to negotiate. Having an appreciation of your contribution to the situation gives you the confidence to firmly, yet kindly, set your boundaries of what you do need or do not need, what you will do or will not do. The message becomes clear, not garbled and disconnecting.   

The value of reinforcement. Sometimes a person has good intentions yet fails to follow through. If your boundaries are not honored, speak up with a gentle reminder. Dialogue occurs easiest when there is negotiation rather than orders.  Say something like, “Have you forgotten our agreement for decompression space when I get home?” At times, it may be necessary that you kindly speak up again and again until they “get it”. Graciously accept a slip and an apology.

Find an adequate alternative. On the way home, stop by your favorite coffee shop for quiet time. Don your headphones and jogging suit and go to the park. 

Delay is not denial. Perhaps your need to be self-nurtured outweighs your need to interact. Perhaps his need for companionship outweighs his need to respect your space. Perhaps the kids need for attention outweighs another put off.  What about a switch-a-roo? Give a little to get a little.  Enter with a loving embrace for all, share a few moments of casual conversation with each – being genuinely concerned about each other’s day - then slip away for solitude.

It is my consensus that the most mature one in the relationship will make the most concessions. But never do so at the expense of you. Stuffing your irritation and later exploding is unfair to all. Make relating more important than being right. When sacrifice is for the betterment of all, it transcends, and is no longer a sacrifice.

 

It Is What It Is

 

A plethora of current issues have prompted the lament of “wanting things to return to normal”. What is normal? What if things do not change? How can expanding one’s perception serve to bring personal peace? And can that peace be contagious?

Life is a series of infinite possibilities balanced by calculated risks. Life is more both/and rather than either/or. Regardless of the reasonings or explanations or arguing one might assign, the facts are… it is what it is. With God’s grace, my response is, “So what? Now what?”

Not, so what? as in arguing against, but, so what? as in how to access attitude and resources to handle effectively and kindly. All conditions were met for whatever happened to happen. Handle each event with grace.  

The word IS, is a perfect-present tense verb, meaning it never changes. Just as now is always this second, so too grace is an ever-present presence. There is an infinite amount of unseen grace floating in the invisible atmosphere to be tapped into by anyone. Grace was there yesterday, even though I may have ignored it and did my own thing. Grace is just as amply there for each tomorrow whether I recognize and utilize or go lightly on. 

Grace always is. 

 A contranym (pronounced konteinm), is a noun that has two opposite meanings. Such as yield meaning to surrender, concede, resign – or yield meaning to harvest, increase, produce. 

No matter the situation - pandemic, trying relationships, burned toast – through the plasticity of grace, let us yield to the circumstances while simultaneously harvesting peace that passes all understanding. 

Through grace, you have an opportunity to be a viable part of Infinite possibilities. 

Slow growth is sustainable. When it dawns on you that you are calm amid chaos, and you do not understand this strange conundrum, realize you have touched the hem of Christ’s garment.

What a Time to be Alive

What a Time to be Alive!?

Look around at all that is going on - pandemic, political unrest, social issues, environmental concerns, storms, depletion, weather changes, an uncertain future - worldwide - cosmic-sized transition. In unrest, we all receive some sort of guidance as to what to do, or not do, or how to do. With this input, we are faced with choices. 

As much as we may not want to admit it, the world situation today is the end-product of our collective choices. As difficult as it may be to see and to understand, all conditions were met for it – whichever it you may be focusing on - to happen or it would not have happened. That statement matches the laws of cause and effect, attraction, gravity, and physics from relativity (macro) to quantum (micro). 

Why do I suggest it a great time to be alive? This is fertile ground to develop empathy, show love, and to help heal a hurting world. Not only are we all in this together now, but we have been in it together from the beginning of time. Whether from history, Holy Scriptures, fables, or fairy tales, it has always been we, us, they, them, and our, knowing and not knowing. 

Only now, we know that we do not know. 

It is a great time to live in the mystery of faith. To survive – nay to thrive – by embracing learning and growing. My daughter shared that in reading a book on the Holocaust, she found deep compassion for those suffering such atrocities and separation, and great admiration of their faith and courage, while finding resolve and strength to face current situations. Makes you think doesn’t it.

 “When we cannot change a situation, we are challenged to change our self.” Viktor Frank

It is a great time to go deep and find peace regardless of upheaval. To embrace challenge irrespective of seeming insurmountable odds. Witness your pain and extend caring brings relief and lightens the load. In being together, please do so with cooperation, and with the absence of reward or punishment. It is a great time to choose not to be offended. When someone offends you, connect with them. When you offend someone, connect with them. 

Bottom line, you are responsible for reconnecting from either side of the offense. Seek to understand and clarify. If needed, agree to disagree while remaining connected. Always esteem your self and others.

Fr. Richard Rohr of the Center for Action and Meditation recently did a series on Order, Disorder and Reorder. I share my understanding of his three-week series. 

Order: Everyone is born into a family or community that becomes a container of culture, values, tradition, custom, family loyalties, authority, boundaries, and morality. While not perfect, these avenues gave security, predictability, impulse control, and ego structure need before going out into the chaos of real life. The healthier the nurturing stage, the more one grows up naturally and receive freedom to be accepting of others. 

Disorder: Nothing stays fixed. Life is about constant disruptions. Earthly illusions of “happily ever after” show themselves. Humanity tends to do things their own way, whether in being true to self or in rebellion. Hurt people hurt people. 

Reorder: Acceptance. One cannot effectively deal with what has happened or is happening if one does not accept the situation for what it is. Acceptance allows freedom to consider probabilities from another point of view. There may be more than one way to skin a catfish. Acceptance takes the facts as they are – not as I think they should be. Acceptance releases creativity that is life-giving and sustainable. Whole people heal people. Acceptance is wholeness amid brokenness. 

In my own life I find that knowledge is not the problem. Action is. Spirit is. Compassion is. May the following confession strike accord that resonates in our being and inspires us to graciously respond. Together let us come to a moral conclusion for the good of the whole. 

"Gracious God, our sins are too heavy to carry, too real to hide, and too deep to undo. Forgive what our lips tremble to name, what our hearts can no longer bear, and what has become for us a consuming fire of judgment. Set us free from a past that we cannot change, open to us a future in which we can be changed and grant us grace to grow more and more in your likeness and image. Aman." Quoted by Brian McLaren, Finding Our Way Again, Chapter 11, Communal Practices

Random Acts of Faith

There is universal encouragement to perform Random Acts of Kindness. Do something nice for someone that is unexpected and unplanned. Make their day. Or at least add a little joy. 

I suggest we also incorporate random acts of faith. As in trusting that your child does respect you. Believing that your life choices were based on good reasoning. Imagining that ‘we the people’ are getting it (kindness, love, appreciation of differences). 

Civil Rights leader, John Lewis, said the question he was asked the most is, “How did you do it? How were you peaceful and kind in the face of so much violence?” 

John Lewis’s reply? “Faith. Faith has power. It often does not become meaningful until it is tested by a challenge that we may not survive. It is then that we experience how transformative our capacity to believe truly is.” 

Do you want a transformed life? Practice random acts of faith. When stripped down to the core, life becomes simple. Things that did matter, matter less and things that do matter, matter more.

When looking for corrective measures, it benefits us to look first at self. 

There was friction between me and a co-worker. She said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.” 

My response was a perfunctory, “Okay”. 

As I walked away, I noticed my critical  thoughts – “if she had only listened, she doesn’t care”. I was placing blame, not letting my okay really be okay. I was not holding her in high regard. 

I turned back to her and said, “You know what. I’m going to believe you. I believe you didn't mean any harm.”

I chose to believe she truly was sorry for her actions and that she did not intend the error.

In a small way I experienced the power of transformative faith. It enabled room for both of us to grow. It allowed me to respond kindly. Overtime I developed a Trifecta of Faith that proves itself over and over. 

Desire + Belief + Awareness = Faith.

Faith is looking forward to something that has not happened yet. And yes, you do have faith. (Have you ever bought a lottery ticket?) Holy Scripture says everyone has been given a ‘measure of faith’. A measure. How much is a measure? Enough. 

Everybody has enough faith to listen to their wisdom heart. You have heard it. It is the guidance that directs you to do the right thing. The gentle voice that does not yell, does not condemn, and does not lead astray. 

Desire + Belief + Awareness = Faith. 

Search your wisdom heart to see who you truly desire to be. Lock into belief that as God planted that desire within you, you can be it. Become aware of hints that the faith seed is growing. Recognize that all encounters are a two-way street. What will you receive from another and what will you leave behind? We mirror each other. Somewhere inside us is their pain. Equally true, somewhere inside us is their joy and their competency. Love yourself and touch everyone with random faith

“Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder.” E. B. White 

DON’T COPE. OVERCOME. We can never be certain of absolutes. Perception is what we think we see. To us that perception becomes a reality, only it may not be real. Often it is more assumption than viewpoint. Find your true north. In driving, you set your GPS for where you want to go, then follow the directions as they become available. So too by faith. Live by compass, more than a roadmap.

It's Just a Thought

You are going through your day when something triggers a stream of disagreeable thoughts – anger, resentment, lack, criticism, fear –or the thoughts as easily could be pining for reconciliation, preparing for an upcoming event, or taming a  huge to-do-list. 

How do you handle it?  Do you go to a dark place? Would you like to see things differently? Would you like to identify, re-frame, resolve, and smile as you go on your productive way?

More than likely, the critical thought is something you had pushed down, maybe in fear of not knowing what to do, or dread of how long I twill take, or to abandon completely. Your creative mind brings it back to your right now conscious thinking so you can be accountable.  Thoughts becomes negative and stress producing when discounted.  

What to do?    

Stop Immediately. Pause. Breath. Talk yourself down.  Beating yourself up does absolutely no good plus it compounds your stress. Gently acknowledge the thought.  Talk to the thoughts.  “Thank you for reminding me of this pressing issue.”  “I can handle this.” “I’ll take the high road.”  “I’ll do what I can to preserve this relationship.”

Know that your Creative Mind listens in on your self-talk and gently asks, “How can I help you with that?”  In that moment of pause, allow your brain chemist to organically drop calming chemicals into your system. Relax as you take pen and paper to jot down positive loving ideas as to what, when and how.  You just gave your creativity a task to decipher.   

“The faintest ink is better than the most retentive memory.” Mary Kay Ash

Get back to the business at hand while trusting and allowing your creative mind and wisdom heart to problem solve for you. 

Next time you think you have been misunderstood, violated, have a huge to-do-list – or whatever it is you want to fix - check and see if the sky has turned cloudy or the sun has stopped shinning.  If not, you will probably make it through this.  Do not allow yourself to fall down the Alice in Wonderland Rabbit Hole.  Lewis Carroll wrote, “She (Alice) generally gave herself very good advice (though she seldom followed it.)”

Give and follow your wisdom heart.  When those shoved down thoughts jettison you into the RIGHT NOW. give yourself another thought. A calmer thought.  A saner thought.  A healthier thought.

DON’T COPE. OVERCOME.  Think about these things. 

·      Give yourself room to grow
·       Take yourself out of the middle
·       Witness you from a balcony position – not to look down on, but to see all sides with more clarity
·       Be aware of negative identity thoughts and reframe – “I’m learning.” “I used to think that way.”
·       Know that you are enough - you are enough, you have enough, you do enough. Be okay with that.  
·       Find a way to be kind and accept regardless of rather than because of – as is, warts and all
·       Find an honorable way to release your ideal caricature expectation 
·       Respect without dismissing, ignoring, or trying to change another’s quirks
·       Be willing to make reasonable concessions
·       Develop communication skills of speaking your truth as well as listening to understand
·       Become aware how you may be demoralizing another to make yourself look good
·       Know that being “right” gains nothing and deepens the separation

Thankful To Be an American

Happy 4th of July. In our world of time and space, wishes before or after are in bounds. Timeliness is usually a good thing until it becomes drudgery. Please honor this emancipating freedom every moment of your life.

On US holidays I wear the colors. Dressed in my red shirt and flag-vest, someone mentioned that I must"be a proud American." My reply, “I am a thankful American”.

I am humbled to be a born-in-America-white-privilege-woman with unlimited opportunities. I am saddened by the continued unrest on many fronts. Previous events in our time/space continuum meant to correct errors are being revealed as illusions.

Through marvels of the internet, my incomplete education is becoming competent. I am learning such things as “Why Christopher Columbus wasn't the hero we studied about in school.” https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/12/us/christopher-columbus-slavery-disease-trnd/index.html

It's not that Columbus was not a man with skills, talents and value, it’s just that he didn’t do what he is credited. He was not the first to discover the Americas. Not only were natural born citizens living here, but others had been embarking on these shores centuries before 1492. With history’s error being corrected, statutes of Columbus are being torn down and replaced with figures of indigenous people. Acknowledging and respecting all people as heroes.

And the needed push back continues.

Although multitudes have risked oceanic peril, arriving penniless and with a dream of making good, far too many were captured, kid-napped and forced. It is a sad history upon which the US is built and continues; from pre-Civil War slaves to sex trafficking slaves. Same immorality and devaluing of person hood for selfish gain.

Motivational speaker Krish Dhanam, born in India, tells of his families struggle to come to the US to live the American dream. He notes his deep disappointment in complaining ungrateful Americans. I may want to dismiss these assessments despite an inner conviction of reality.

July 4th is a grand celebration of our freedom. Unfortunately, freedom has the potential for harm as well as intended good. Perhaps the blessings of America have rendered many of us with a spirit of entitlement.

Freedom without moral living turns to debauchery. Freedom of speech has led to profane language in music, movies, TV programs and literature. Freedom of expression has led to vulgar displays in the media and the arts. Freedom to bear arms has given leeway to school massacres and drive-by-shootings. Freedom of independence has led to littered highways, “me attitudes”, wasting of natural resources and lack of community.

Freedom is not the liberty to do what one wants, but the freedom to do the right thing. Right and wrong, good and evil are moral facts. Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl recommended a Statue of Responsibility be erected on the west coast to balance the Statue of Liberty on the east coast. We can have no true liberty without being responsible for our choices.

I find that the more gently responsible I am, the greater my freedom. The more disciplined I am, the more numerous my options. The more respectful I am of all others, the deeper the depth of my happiness. Let us live interdependently so future generations will judge our everyday deeds as honorable and respectful, for the good of the whole.

For a healthy pride to be restored, may each of us individually embrace truth, even when the revelation is ugly. And the truth is, on some level, each of us has varying degrees and shades of good and evil. Except for the grace of loving kindness.

Memorial Day Tribute to Veterans Past and Present

Author unknown. The following poem does not give the author’s name. It saddens me when someone has been gifted to write such a beautiful memorial and they did not receive credit for it. Maybe it is an indication of how we truly are a part of each other. As you read the poem and your heart stirs, or a lump is caught in your throat or tears form in your eyes, know those are noble emotions. Feel it, embrace it. And be thankful.

JUST A COMMON SOLDIER

He was getting old and paunchy, and his hair was falling fast,

And he sat around the Legion telling stories of his past.

Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done,

In his exploits with his buddies – they were heroes, every one.

And though sometimes to his neighbors, his tales became a joke,

All his Legion buddies listened, for they knew whereof he spoke.

But we’ll hear his tales no longer, for old Bill has passed away,

And the world’s a little poorer, for a soldier died today.

He was just a common soldier, and his ranks are growing thin.

But his presence should remind us we may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldier’s part

Is to clean up all the troubles that others often start.

If we cannot give him honor, while he’s around to hear our praise,

Then at least let’s give him homage, at the ending of his days.

Perhaps a simple notice in a paper that would say,

“Our Country is in mourning, cause a Soldier passed away”.

Author Unknown

May we always remember that it is the soldier who gave us freedom of speech – even though it has been abused. It is the soldier who has given us freedom of the press – even though it has been taken to extremes. It is the soldier who has allowed us the freedom to fly the flag – or to burn it in protest. It is the soldier who has given us peace in the past, and it is the soldier who will restore peace and enact justice in the present.

Truth or Dare with Social Distancing

In the long ago Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In TV series (1967-1973), actress Lily Tomlin portrayed Edith Ann, a five-year old with outlandish truths about life. Edith Ann sat in a huge rocking chair and recounted strange adventures from her childish point of view. Each segment ended with her looking directly into the camera and boldly proclaiming, “And that’s the truth!”

Life tickles your funny bones. The audience saw comedy in Edith Ann’s truth because it emphasized how we, too, may see things askew. You find humor in situations with which you identify. And sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves. To see our foibles. To recognize our shadow side.

Sometimes life breaks your hearts. The heart ache is not from seeing truth, but from refusing to be set free by the truth we see. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to. Allow the sting to take you to self-evaluation for loving adjustment or forgiveness.

Feelings don’t tell you the truth; they just emphasize how you feel. Beliefs are not necessarily truth, they are just what you tell yourself you believe. What you believe is your best guess in the moment at what is real. Your best guess at reality is conditioned by the society in which you live.

Society doesn’t tell you the truth; society goes with fads, trends or the in-thing. Your thoughts don’t tell you the truth; they just try to tell how you measure up to society’s dictates. Or not. Circumstances don’t tell you the truth. No matter how real they seem to be they are really your thoughts trying to prove to you that your beliefs and that your feelings and your viewpoints are truth.

What does tell you the truth? Life.

Life demonstrates truth. Truth is universal and applies to everyone equally. Life speaks truth whether we believe it or not, whether we can handle it or not. Rain or drought, hurricanes or tsunamis falls equally on the just and on the unjust.

Life reveals when actions are plume. It matters not if one is a skilled iron worker or a nuclear scientist or an adventurous roof-scaling child, the truthful law of gravity shows itself to always be accurate. Whether gravity works for us or against us depends on our respect for its truth.

Don’t Cope, Overcome. There is a big difference in thinking you are a fool and in thinking you did a foolish thing. When your thoughts bring increased frustration, anger, sadness or instability, then maybe it is time to challenge your truth. Does what you believe hold water? Is your attitude working for you or not?

When circumstances are less than ideal, look deep inside to see what lesson life is teaching you. Obey the rules of the road and the chances of a speeding ticket, wreck or traffic violation are greatly diminished. Listen to your internal moral compass. NOTE: it speaks quietly, softly and gently. It must be tuned into to be heard. It must be given space to grow. It must be proven to stand firm.

Need a Life Coach? Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or monadunkin@gmail.com

Happy Relationship Day

Happy Relationship Day!

Only most people call it Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s is a nice tradition with lovely sentiments. and I’m certainly okay with that. My stance is that Valentine’s Day - or at least TV and media ads - seem to isolate it to romantic love. And love is so much wider, deeper, higher, greater, funner and a bunch of other fulfilling descriptive words.

A Course if Miracles states that anything that draws love from you is of Divine origin. Which gives me pause when the neighborhood feral cat beats up on my kitten and I have equal compassion for the scruffy castaway.

Dr. William Glasser suggests that love and belonging is a basic genetic need of every living creature. And that all human misery, with the exception of abject poverty, living under tyranny and debilitating disease, is the result of unhappy relationships.

My definition of relationship is the ability to relate to and to relate with another, even if another is an other. As in other color, other class, other personality, other belief, other opinion. Since all eight-plus billion of us others are on this Planet-Earth Spaceship together, we might as well get along. After all, we are more alike than we are different.

I teach a class entitled “Getting Along With Difficult People, Whether You Know One or Are One”. It can be quite humbling to recognize our contribution to a miserable, difficult relationship. I had a gentleman tell me, “After taking this class, I need to apologize to everyone I have ever met.”

The bottom line is, we are all flawed and fabulous, which renders each difficult and wonderful.

A little compassion oils the get-along gear.

Even if you can’t reason with the feral bully. (Cat that is) The disagreeable one is still one of us others. The disagreeable one still has infinite worth and value as a human being, created in God’s image, a work of art with a Designer label.

Relating to and with another is found in common ground as well as uncommon ground. Every one has a story. Be open to sharing yours and listening to theirs. Ask relationship building questions; not to grill but to understand the sameness and differences. How monotone life would be if we all sang the same note. It’s the cacophony that makes music.

Who do you love this relationship month? Make it easy on yourself by starting with you and expand out. Remember the holy instructions to “love yourself as your neighbor.” That’s a like-to-like descriptive statement; as you love you, you are freed to love others.

Regardless of any dark circumstances surrounding one’s conception and upbringing, I suggest the union has a holiness to it. The office is untarnished. The child is innocent and came from the original system of divine love.

Whether the home produces benevolent leaders or malevolent dictators, all of us share in the propagation of love, light and darkness. The human condition is a complicated mix of good and not so good. Climbing to a higher plane is all ‘Thanks Be To God’. Relationship Day is a good place to start.

There's A Song In the Air

The Holidays are here. Makes you want to sing, doesn’t it.

What a wonderful season, full of love, joy, peace and busyness and mystery. A one-time event that is cyclable, filled with diversity, yet yearly offering us something we hadn’t noticed before.

If we are paying attention.

In Sunday’s comics of LuAnn by Greg Evans, she was preparing her classroom for the Holiday Season by writing “Merry Christmas” on the white board. A child entered and said, “We celebrate Hanukkah”. Luann added Hanukkah to the board. Another mentioned, “We celebrate Kwanzaa”. The conversation continued - as well as additions to the board - to include Omisoka, Muslim festivities, Winter Solstice and Seasons Greetings.

Luann’s final entry was “PEACE!!!”.

Does the above-mentioned comic strip bring peace to you? Or do you identify with the bold print and the three exclamation points? What is this world coming to?

I find peace. Wait! Before you quit reading, let me explain.

The Christmas message IS peace. And love and joy. But how do we find those attributes if we don’t understand the meaning of the words? I think of Jacob, our founding spiritual forefather, and his life trials and weird dream of a ladder with angels ascending and descending. When he awakened, he was afraid and confused. He looked around and said, “God was here all the time and I didn’t know it.”

Then Jacob did something even more weird. He anointed a rock and proclaimed that dream holy and that place holy. Then he rolled up his stuff and continued his known, yet unknown journey. (Genesis 12)

Jacob transcended. He began to think different thoughts about his family and his God and his complicated life-journey. Does God really love a cheat like me? Can I have peace even though I have an angry brother who wants to kill me? Is truth actually written on my wisdom heart? Is joy possible when I am only concerned about me and my? What else do I know that I don’t know that I know?

In watching Christmas movies and seeing advertisements, they seem to be more about Santa and gift than the Christ child. Yet in the background there is a song in the air. A song of a Holy Night. A Song of Joy to the World. Music moves us in mysterious ways. I find the message of a God who IS love - unconditional love. The God who birthed a son like Himself. One who loves us for no good reason. One who loves us with no expectations in return

One who empowers us to transcend, to grow, to love, to rise above.

What a wonderful season, full of love, joy, peace and mystery. A one-time event that is cyclable, filled with diversity, yet yearly offering us something we hadn’t noticed before.

Pay attention. Listen to the music. Harken to the short messages from your heart. Love. Forgive. Be kind. Overlook snarks. Move past regrets. Let it go. Sing.

We are in the midst of who we are and who we are becoming. As we are open to love and forgiveness, the Christmas message of peace and love is birthed in our hearts.

Being a Blessing

Our topic today is being a blessing.

Being in the grammatical sense is a gerund. Which simply means that any time you add ing to a word – any word – it brings it into present tense – the NOW – right this second - that expresses a generalized or uncompleted action. As in “I’m going to the store.” You understand what is happening, but it is an uncompleted action.

I love ironies. One of which is, we cannot give out of an empty basket. We cannot give what we have not received. What have we received? Life. Breath. Gifts. Talents. Love. Because of these free gifts from God, we are able to give and to bless others.

In the book of Acts we have the story of Paul and Silas traveling around telling people about the one true God and his marvelous blessings bestowed on all of us, whether we give him credit for it or not. This God is the one who is always near to us, leading us, guiding us, directing us, loving us, comforting us. In trying to paint a picture of this wonderful invisible God, in poetic form, Paul said, “In Him – in this one true God – we live and move and have our being.” You are an animation of God.

We are all human beings. Beings
• Being - the quality or state of having an existence
• Being - qualities that constitute essence

All of that tells me that we’re not done yet.

You bake a cake for the recommended time and on the surface it looks done, but you stick a toothpick in it, and it’s a little gooey inside. That’s us. No matter how many years we have been in the oven, we’re not done yet.

But, no worries, we are human beings and we’re still learning.

Psychologists tells us that we are most open to learning when we are in love. When we are in love – with a person, a hobby, an adventure - we are open to new information and we willingly take it in and try it out. Being a blessing is not only being thankful and gracious and appreciative; it’s also being and staying in love with life and people and God and yourself.

Who will you re-fall in love with today? Or you could start from scratch and pretend it's for the first time.

Science and technology are discovering many new things daily. But they are not really new. King Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun.” There is nothing new under the sun because at creation everything that was destined to be was pre-programmed into the mystery of this universe to come forth “in the fullness of time.” Just like the birth of Christ. Just like the birth of you.

Becoming a Blessing is synonymous with becoming yourself – your true self, your essence - your DNA God-Code self. It’s that simple, and it’s also that difficult. It’s difficult because we too often second guess our self. We listen to our ego instead of our wisdom heart. Wayne Dwyer suggests that ego means “edging God out”.

When I have a not so gracious feeling toward me - and Jesus said I am to love me as I love you, my neighbor - I pause and evaluate: “Even though I burned the pie, I’m still a pretty good cook.” Likewise, when I have a not so gracious feeling toward someone else - and Jesus said I am to love my neighbor as much as I love me - I pause and evaluate: “Just like me, that person is doing the best they can.”

Loving attributes acknowledged. Grace restored.

The Heart-Math Institute says that our heart sends out more neuro transmissions than our brain does. Sadly, those transmissions don’t always reach our brain -- until we prepare our mind to receive the wisdom from our heart. Our heart’s invisible transmissions expand up to a three-feet circumference outside our bodies. It is something we unknowingly transmit whether positive or negative.

So how do we attune our mind to receive the heart’s wisdom? My go-to is the holy language of Scripture.

In the Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5:43-48) Jesus contrasts what we think or what we have heard with what he says. “You have heard it said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate our enemy’, but I say, ‘Love your enemies, do good to them that hate you and pry for them which despitefully use you and persecute you.” He goes on to talk about how good God is to everyone; sending sunshine and rain equally on the righteous as well as the unrighteous. Sending drought and tornados equally on the righteous and the unrighteous – no respecter of persons.

Jesus completed the thought with “Be perfect even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”

A long-time friend of mind has a delightful habit of smiling and giving a nodding approval and openly says “God love it” when someone does something special. She is not speaking to anyone in particular, but the heart-math translation is there.

When someone acts out, she gives an understanding nod and openly says – to no one in particular – “You gotta love ‘em”.

I may want to say, “I most certainly do not ‘gotta love ‘em.” And God gently speaks to my wisdom heart, “Yea, you do. That is, if you really want my kingdom to come to earth, that as above so below.”

Me? Perfect? How? One definition of perfect is “just right for the stage of growth”. An apple seed is a perfect apple, for its stage of growth. The goal is to keep on growing.

I suggest we attune to our wisdom heart by meditating daily for divine favor through the Lord’s Prayer (Luke 11:1-4). “Our Father” …. Pause and think about people groups all over the world, diverse socio economic, intelligence and abilities. Yet they are all our neighbors, and God is their Father. Even if you don’t get past the Our Father part, that can be enough.

We grow into our true essence by realizing that we have enough. “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof” (Matt 6:31-34) Enough. We have enough. Sometimes we try to be thankful, but it seems difficult because we really focus on lack. I didn’t get enough sleep last night, not enough time, not enough money, not enough energy. …I’m not enough. What we focus on is what we draw to us. Begin to proclaim, "I have enough for today." That mysterious portal of ‘enough’ overflows into natural abundance through creativity, repurposing, thankfulness, generosity, appreciation, celebrating, blessings, accomplishments, good-will.

A wonderful measuring rod of being is III John 2, “May you prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers.” May you prosper – mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, relationally – even as your soul prospers. Pause and evaluate. Content yourself by having enough.

All through the book of Philippians, the Apostle Paul admonishes us to be happy, glad and content (enough). This is not Paul in the Penthouse speaking, but Paul in the jailhouse. In all things give thanks. For all things give thanks. “Rejoice in the Lord always….” I can just see him pacing around the prison writing or dictating and searching to bring it to a powerful conclusion…. “And again, I say ‘Rejoice’.” Enough.

I examine my own life and how to be more thankful.

• I am thankful for misunderstandings, because they teach me to strive to be a better communicator
• for criticism, for it forces me to examine actions and attitudes and leads to repentance for failures
• for adversity, because it is in the winter that roots grow deepest to find fresh nourishment
• for financial reverses, because it helps me to be grateful for what we have.
• I am thankful for challenges that taxes every fiber of my being forcing me to grow in new directions.
• I am thankful for dreams, for ideas and for goals, for they keep me active and energetic and alive.
• I am thankful for a contented mind and a grateful heart.

Some may say, “but I don’t have that kind of faith.” Au Contraire! The Scripture says that everyone has been given a ‘measure of faith’. A measure. How much is a measure? Enough.

Everyone has enough faith to listen to their wisdom heart. You know what that is. It’s the inner guidance that directs you to do the right thing. It is the gentle inner voice that does not yell, does not condemn and does not lead astray. Just as everyone of us has been given life, so too have we been given breath for a certain number of days. Breath that breaths us.

God is sometimes seen as being too big, too powerful, too holy, too far away to have anything to do with me. Maybe we have a longing to serve God and others, but first we have to clean our self up.

Don't Cope, Overcome. About 45 years ago God spoke to my confused mind, “Just let me be your friend.” It resonated. I needed a friend. Out loud I said a faint, “okay”. No big deal. But it was a big deal. The friendship took and continues to grow.

May it do the same for you.

The Power of Self-Evaluation

I am good at teaching, but not always so good at living what I teach -- and that is exactly why I teach. Teaching holds me accountable to what I say and do. I was late-in-life learning a lot of things – like Goal Setting and Planning – but self-evaluating was ingrained in me as a child.

During my West Virginia wonder years we gathered on Sundays at our little circuit-rider United Methodist Church.  Each Communion Sunday the pastor emphasized the sacredness of the sacrament and the value of self-evaluation.  You know, to make sure we were living right; that we weren't harboring any lies, didn’t need to apologize for,  or “lest something worse come upon you.” 

Thankfully, my Aunt Erma explained that self-evaluation is not dumping guilt on yourself, but is taking responsibility for our missteps. If we don’t own up to our part of the problem, then it leads us to stack attack misbehavior that hurts us and others.

The purpose of self-evaluation is to see our self as we really are, so we can either keep on a good path or take corrective steps. It’s all Total Behavior. What we think, what we do, how we feel about our thinking and doing, effects of physiology and our mental health and our sleep, our digestion, our energy level and our relationships and our success and…

In other words, everything within us touches everything about us and everything we do effects everything we do.  To stay whole and healthy, self-evaluation is a discipline I practice daily.

Self-evaluation is tied in with the Ten Axioms of Choice Theory Psychology.

·  #1 states that "The only person whose behavior we can control is our own".  I suppose the inference is that way too often we do not control our self and need to think about the outcome.

·  #2 says "All we can do is give or receive information."  Inference - don't place blame, don't criticize, be nice, use your inside voice, get honest with yourself. 

· #6 states "We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World" (i.e. pics in our head).  Inference: ongoing negative guilting thoughts suggest we're not too satisfied with our life so self-evaluate and make changes. 

A theory is something not yet proven.  When we consider the possibility of a smidgen of reality in Choice Theory, then the practice of the theory becomes real. And we prove to our self, for our self what is or is not effective.  Long term. 

The key word in Self-Evaluation is “Self”. Only it’s not really “self” because we are never alone. We have a great “cloud of witnesses”, whether in that DNA molecule syphoned from a long dead ancestor or the influencing thoughts gleaned from a stranger or the mystical concept of God.

So what are the benefits?

• Challenge you to excellence
• Lessens dependency on the approval of others
• Promotes healthy competition
• Encourages non-judgmental judgment (see Axiom #2) 
• Ask and answer tough questions
• Live in the present 

And all this accumulates into personal empowerment.  You have to experience it for yourself. Enjoy.  

“One breath began the journey of life;

Ambiguous with joys and strife.

What makes one, breaks another;

All of earth’s travels are for us to discover

The value of self, sister and brother.”

Choice Theory Basic Intensive Training, Waco, Texas, Mona Dunkin, CTRTC,LM

254-749-6594 monadunkin@gmail.com  https://wglasser.com/trainings/2019-03/