I often receive heartbreaking letters from caregivers needing help with troubled youth. This is my reply and suggestions:
“My heart goes out to both you and to the child. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I cannot imagine how difficult it is and has been for you. I appreciate your willingness to be his advocate; he needs someone in his corner. In addition to therapy and the doctor's regiment, I would suggest the following:
“Build relationship. Relationship is about the quality way in which each of you relates with/to the other. Anger and disappointment get in the way of relationship. Unrealistic expectations get in the way of relationship. Relationship is about acceptance of the totality of the person - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. Please note, acceptance does not mean approval, it simply means I accept you as you are. Out of this uncomplicated acceptance you can build a mutually satisfactory relationship. We are all flawed individuals. Humility is one flawed individual willing to receive correction from another flawed individual. It is through acceptance of flawed humanity (ours and theirs) that we are in a position to heal our wounds and positively influence healing in others.
“Limit over-expectations. If a person has a broken leg, is he expected to run a marathon? Have there been individuals with crippled legs that run marathons? Yes, either haltingly or in wheelchairs, but they are few and far between. We applaud those of such outstanding feats and are willing to give grace to a handicapped runner. If you were the crippled runner would you want grace? All handicapped in one way or another and some more than others. Gently train by receiving grace for your weaknesses and giving grace to those without your mental or physical abilities.
“Make order. Order does not mean perfection or a military-type regimen. Order means not complicated, not messy, not wasting a lot of time. Order is honestly assessing your time, resources and abilities and not taking on more than you can accomplish. Order is setting realistic goals for you and your child so neither one is disappointed. Order is not taking on more than you can reasonably manage. Order is not demanding of the child more than he is reasonably capable of accomplishing. Order sets you free. Order is planning and scheduling and following through and having a feeling of accomplishment. Order allows you to set a healthy, relaxing daily routine and discover how much control you have gained over your life. Go to my blog www.monadunkin.blogspot.com and click on the articles under organization for additional help in establishing order. I will in the next few days do an article on ADHD helps and will post previous articles on effective study skills.
“Learn to be assertive. Assertive is taking care of you so you can help take care of others. It is knowing that you cannot give out of an empty basket so, as the airlines instruct, "put on your own oxygen mask before helping a child of crippled person." Assertive is not doing for another what he/she is capable of doing for himself. Assertive is standing up for your own legitimate rights and not being lost in the hassles of life. Assertive is setting healthy boundaries and firmly, yet kindly, enforcing them. Assertive is asking for change without demanding change. Assertive is not making excuses for you or him, but honestly facing the issues straight on, with courage and dignity. Assertive is truth or consequences. Assertive is graciously receiving the rewards of your own truth or humbly suffering the consequences of your own untruth. It is maturely allowing another to suffer the consequences of his wrong actions and supportively acknowledging and encouraging his participation in his own truth.
“Know who you can control. The bottom line is, the only person over whom you have control is you. You can threaten another, manipulate, coerce, reward or punish - all of which are ineffective long-term and are relationship destroying. As you take effective control of the thoughts you think, the words you say, the tone of voice you use, the expressions on your face, the actions you make, the way you behave, the choices you engage in, the places you go, the company you keep, the way you spend your money, etc., etc., etc., then the greater the positive influence you have on others. And, it is relationship building. Nothing influences like a good example. Being the good example puts you in a position to encourage the same in your child and to set limits when it is disobeyed. To demand and not example, is to be a “talking head” with negative results. See blog, Ask, Don’t Tell.
“Make quiet time. It is imperative. The answers are within and are discovered through contemplation. In quietness your soul can hear the still small voice of conscience. In quietness you are attuned to truth. Through honest reflection you become aware of strengths and weaknesses. Getting honest about weakness conquers egotism, fear and ignorance and paves the way for teamwork. Being candid about strength enlightens, energizes and promotes cooperation. It is through quiet contemplation that potential energy is transformed into enthusiastic force. As you realize your spiritual purpose you are refreshed and enlivened.
“You can purchase my book, Creating Value, an intangible in a tangible world, which gives invaluable help in building relationship. Chapter four is entitled Receiving the Gift of Yourself and Chapter five is Developing Yourself and Others. Send $15.00 and I will send one to you. Mona Dunkin, P O Box 774, Elm Mott, TX 76640.
“In addition to my book, Creating Value, purchased through me, I recommend Dr. William Glasser's book Unhappy Teenagers and what Parents/Grandparents Can Do About It. You can buy Dr. Glasser's books at Barnes and Nobles. I send out a monthly motivational e-letter and have added you to the list.
“Using the concepts of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory, I do individual sessions. I charge $65.00 per session and would love to work with you or your grandson.
“As God brings you to my mind, I will whisper your names in prayer.”
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