Building Your Safety Net

Restlessness and complacency are twin rivals of the human psyche. Carl Jung  

We are complicated individuals with dualities striving for fulfillment.  Here are some thoughts on being whole, complete, real, united and living/walking in congruency with our true self. 

Accept who you are now and grow into whom you want to become. Give up the fairy tail world of “Someday I’ll…” Wishing and dreaming are not enough. Such irrational thinking sees self as whole and complete. It takes out the temptations and struggles of today’s reality. Get in touch with your humanness, accept help and guidance and develop your latent strengths.

Monitor your growth. Set a benchmark to focus on and keep track of day-to-day progress. For example, studies show that weight loss is twice as effective for those who record their food intake as those who do not. Monitored activity or thoughts makes reality more visible, whereas non-measured activity lends to error.

Give up trying (low energy) and go with doing (high energy). Look at how far you have come “since when” and embrace where you are now. Trying embraces struggle whereas doing releases ideas, energy and results.  Success in small increments ups the ante to keep on keeping on. 

Change your playground and your playmates.  The body is a remarkable instrument that wants to heal itself.  The cells in the body have only two positions: closed for protection and open for growth.  Glucose is a willpower enforcer that is released into the blood stream in nurturing environments. Glucose “willpower” is constricted in hostile, not-good-for-you settings.  Consider who is good for you and hang around them. Get honest with who/what is not good for you and limit exposure.

Change is invigorating to soul, mind, body and spirit. Like most things, habits are both good and not so good.  The habit that propels you to brush your teeth is great, not so much the one that unthinkingly reaches for the cigarettes. When surroundings are the same, so too are ingrained habits. A slight change in your environment can cause you to re-think.  Replace junk food with fruits and vegetables. Put interesting reading material on top of the TV remote. Keep dumbbells in an accessible spot for impromptu strength training.  Every time you chose a positive move, consciously tell yourself you are brain-training your mind.

Believe it and see it.  Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality. Athletes who visualize overcoming an obstacle win hands down over the also-rans who tried to do their best. Anticipate challenges and see yourself succeeding anyway. Practice graciously yet boldly saying “No, thank you” to those tempting offers that are sure to come.

There is strength in numbers. Align yourself with people who embody the character qualities you want to develop. Get involved with wholesome groups like church, sports and mentors.  Hang around those who encourage you, support you and cheer you on.

Be kind and patient. Beating yourself up serves no worthwhile purpose whereas self-compassion - especially in light of setbacks - leads to self-control and a do-over motivation. Refuse to indulge in the vicious cycle of error, guilt, condemnation and greater error. Self-forgiveness sets you up to focus on what you really want,  who you really are and whom you really can become. 

Watch your self-talk directed at others. Judging, condemning and criticizing others turns them into your enemy whether they are or not.  We need community. The person you judge as self-righteous may be dealing with his own demons in a different manner than you. Just maybe what you see as nagging is a mishandled way of encouragement. Suppose they (mom, mate, co-worker, authority) see the real possibilities within you and - out of frustration -tries to force you into being you. With the reciprocity of life such as it is your extending compassion to him comes back to you.

Don't Cope. Overcome. Walking a high wire needs a safety net.  So does life.  The good news is that with a self-balancer in hand, it requires less and less effort to stay aright. A setback does not mean failure. What counts is how you recover. Get up, dust yourself off and get right back on track.  It’s worth it.

Need trainer? Mona Dunkin leads individuals and companies to greater levels of success. Contact her at 254-749-6594 or monadunkin@gmail.com View training topics at www.monadunkin.com

Emotional Maturity

Emotions, can you trust them? Emotions are fleeting, fickle and often false. Emotions are based on perception. Whether or not we can trust our emotions has to do with our emotional health. Prolonged invalidation, rejection, criticism and angry responses wear on one’s emotional health, making it raw and hyper-sensitive. Here are a few suggestions to promote emotional healing.

Take a stand. Use “I” statements and speak only from your perspective or to address your personal need. When a person expresses her choices, insights or feelings, it is the individual speaking and the matter can be settled.

Be emotionally honest. When true feelings are pushed aside, unresolved issues take over and seize a club to set matters straight. If another does not approve of your choice, so be it; do not feel guilty or anxious. Summons the courage to stay your ground and allow him to remain in his mood while you go on about your business. Stick to your boundaries and do not make an issue of the opposition. It is not your job to get the dissenter out of a snit; that is a task every individual must do for herself.

Recognize your own issues. Do not isolate or bottle up. Do not allow yourself to be sucked into another’s problems. Although we can work in partnership, still each must hoe his own row in life.

Respond, don’t react. The rawer the emotions, the quicker to judge response as negative. Reacting is negative. Dynamite must have a ‘reactor’ for it to go off, and the shorter the fuse, the quicker the explosion. Reacting is taking comments as a personal affront. Reacting is belittling the offender. It takes emotional health to respond rather than react. Responding is seeing the situation at face value. Responding is choosing to regard the offender as a person of worth and value. Responding paves the way for resolution.

Self-Evaluate. Several times during the day, stop and evaluate your actions, thoughts and feelings. Reel in assumptions. Quit regarding others as jerks. Stop the judgments and criticism. As you become aware how you are feeding your negative emotions, you become equipped to conquer them.

Plan ahead. Life is faithful to give us do-oers. As you honestly evaluate that you reacted negatively to a person’s disrespect, picture the event happening again with you responding in a more positive light. Sports figures see themselves succeeding before ever going onto the playing field. See yourself being calm, pleasant and respectful before going into the arena.

DON’T COPE—OVERCOME: Rather than being driven by your emotions and later regretting the direction in which they took you, learn to control your emotions and later feel good over your responses. Being in charge of your emotions is so empowering. Healthy emotions go hand-in-hand with happiness and satisfying relationships.

Cool. Calm. Collected. Cheerful.

Rebounding from a Lay Off

Economists tell us that the changing job market is a good thing. It shows us what works and what does not work. What worked for a time will not continue to work as technology improves. The ice man lost his job and was retrained and hired as a freezer manufacturer.

Do not burn your bridges. Do not allow hurt and anger to reflect negatively on your exit. A gracious departure will work in your favor for future referrals or possible rehire.

Understand conditions. Seek counsel regarding unemployment benefits or departure package from your employer. Will they pay for schooling? What compensation is there for unused vacations or sick days? Look into extending insurance coverage through cobra. Determine how to invest your IRA rollover.

Your job is finding a job. Step back into the job market immediately. Do not depress and do not delay. Brush up your resume and polish your networking skills. Get out the door five days a week, eight hours a day. At the Salvation Army’s Fresh Start Center, Federal convicts have fifteen days in which to find employment or its back to prison. If they can do it, you can too.

Network, network, network. Tell everyone you know that you are available; remember the five degrees of separation. Do it in concentric circles – family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, clients, vendors, professional contacts, community leaders, business owners and the internet. Make memorable business cards and hand them out in mass. My friend in the education field was downsized. She made a clever calling card proclaiming, “School is out… I’m not ready for recess.”

Practice interviews. Know what BNI calls your “elevator speech”. Condense your job skills, qualifications and character qualities to a sound bite that can be professionally delivered to anyone, anywhere, at any time. Include what you have to offer and what you will accept. Perfect your performance in front of the mirror, on your cat and to your family. Graciously receive their input.

Obtain counsel. The fee for professional help is an investment in your future. They are experts at packaging you and your material to make the best impressions. The human condition is to sell self short. From a dynamic cover letter to a spruced up resume, the professional is less modest in extolling your stellar qualifications and outstanding character qualities.

Something is better than nothing. Monetary resources deplete quickly so a job beneath your qualification level is still employment. We have an innate need to serve and this is accomplished to a large degree through the work we perform. All jobs are honorable, as long as they are legal and moral, and you add dignity to the position. Negotiate with the employer that you are willing to become an apprentice to learn new skills. Use your experience as leverage to move up the ladder quickly.

Be open to a new career. Maybe the time has come to start your own business and turn your hobby into a career. Explore new interests and technology through education. Become an apprentice to a master.

Difficult times force us to step outside our comfort zone. Have fun and grow in the process. Use your creativity to expand shrinking income, use set backs to strengthen your stamina, develop internal character qualities, appreciate family and time spent together, and always trust your higher power.

Overcoming Shyness

We are born social creatures and the need for human contact never ceases. But it can sometimes be painful. Research shows that emotional and physical problems are frequently related to those with interpersonal disabilities. Here are thoughts for overcoming shyness.

Adjust your attitude. When entering a room with conflicting emotions of connect-with- me-but-do-not-draw-attention-to-me, we send an avoidance message. Instead of “here I am so you notice me”, let your mind-set be “There you are and I want to connect with you.”

Speak first. Be proactive with the greeting and introduction. Do not waste time in uncomfortable silence. Make it simple, such as “Hi, my name is Mona, how are you?”

Names are important. During the course of conversation make it more memorable by using the person’s name once or twice. Use it sparingly as too much seems fake.

It is more about listening and thinking than speaking. Rather than worry about how to keep the conversation going, intentionally listen to what is being shared and respond by asking appropriate questions or making relevant comments. Not as an interrogator, but as an interested friend. Keep them talking and be at ease with not having to come up with a topic. As odd as it may seem, listening translates as you being good conversationalist.

Interject naturally. As you become comfortable with focused listening, allow your mind to remember personal reflections that would add to the topic. Speak up and be a contributor.

Be others focused. Ironically, as you lose self-focus and become interested in people - their stories and needs - you become the center of attention.

Although many things impact shyness, including personality type, parenting skills, environment and lack of social opportunities, change is possible, it is easy to learn, and it is permanent. Go for it.

Overcoming Contrl Issues

By nature, mankind is self-centered.  We expect others, things or circumstances to treat us the way we think we deserve.  When this does not happen, we take over, trying to control situations and people, either directly, indirectly, or covertly.  Only by giving up control can one be truly free.

Control comes from a Latin word meaning “counter role”.
    1.  dominating, commanding, governing, mastering, manipulating, having charge of
    2.  restraining, restricting, repressing, subduing

Ways ineffective irresponsible control manifests itself:
I have to have things my way regardless.       
My needs are the only ones that really matter.
My opinions are more valid than any one else’s. 
Bad case of the “have to’.”
I deserve to be treated fairly and justly at all times.   
The big “I” and little “you”.
It must never rain on my parade.           
Performance is all important.

Language of the controller:
  “You (they) need to…”
  “You should have …”
  “Why didn’t you…” 
“If only you would…”
  “I would never do that!”
“If I was you, I would…”

BECOME A RESPONSIBLE PERSON

by being responsible for…

my thoughts

my actions

my emotions

my choices

my responses

Here are suggestions for effective choices in choosing to give up control counter roles):
I choose to accept my worth and value as a person alive and living on planet earth.
I do not really know myself, my wants or my motives. 
I do not really know what another things or means through his/her words or actions. 
I am incapable of solving all problems.
I do not have the definitive answer for myself, let alone for you.
There are more variables involved that I am aware of and I am willing to consider them.
I choose to not be sucked into another’s problems or emotions.
I choose to give up control - even when it seems unreasonable.
I do not always have to have my way.
I choose to not be driven by my emotions.
What is more important, my way or this relationship?
I cannot be all things to all people and I accept my freedom to quit trying.
I choose to be a unique individual and to let others be unique individuals.
I cannot control another person and I give up my assumed right to do so.
Others cannot make me happy and I choose to stop expecting them to.
I cannot make another happy and I choose to stop attempting to do so.
The only person I can control is me and as I control me I will be a more positive influence. 

Live. Learn. Love. Co-operate.

Letting Go of Anger, Part 1

We live in a painful that inflicts anger producing situations. How you respond determines your emotional, spiritual and physical well being. According to Dwight L. Carlson, M. D., anger and psychological problems are directly connected. Dr. Bernie S. Siegel asserts that anger and physical disease have an unswerving correlation. My experience tells me that anger and relationship difficulties are one and the same. Anger is a spiritual issue.

Here are a few thoughts on letting go of anger.

Be willing to change. Change is an inside job. Each person is self-determining and your approach to life is exactly what you want it to be. If it were not, you would change it. Relating to people in anger is a misguided attempt to control them to get your way. Since it does not really work, be willing to use a different approach.

Take personal responsibility for change. Just wanting something is not enough. It takes desire and discipline to determine destiny. Discipline is being personally responsible for your thoughts, your judgments, your prejudices, your words, your tone of voice, your facial expressions and your actions. Taking personal responsibility may, on occasion, mean literally biting your tongue. Because you have a thought does not mean you have to express it.

Insights into change. We easily lie to ourselves by thinking if we want something badly enough it will happen. And so we see ourselves as changing, when in reality we have rearranged our prejudices and put a new face on the same old problem.

Do not allow your emotions to rule. Emotions are fickle, often false, and always fast fleeting. When emotions rise, thinking plummets. When emotions rise, blood flow to the brain decreases resulting in irrational thoughts and irresponsible behavior. The more emotionally involved you are, the more aggressive the behavior. The more emotional attachment the greater the propensity for hurt. The more emotions are involved the more hasty the reaction.

Not all needs are unmet. Sometimes we feel we have been wronged when we have not. Sometimes we feel we have a right to be angry when we do not. We feel our needs have not been met when they have. Because you wanted steak and got a hotdog does not mean you have been treated unfairly. Because you overslept and was late to work does not mean the world is out to get you. Sometimes a person feels he has no way out when there are solutions. Because expectations are so high, if they are not met precisely, a person feels wronged, hurt and devalued. When emotions are overly involved, the pain and injustice becomes distorted.

Be objective. Take yourself out of the middle. Replace feelings with thinking – rational thinking. Carrying a chip on your shoulder lends to a slight infraction being taken as a personal affront. Instead of viewing others as out to ruin your day, accept human frailty for what it is; selfish and imperfect - your as well as theirs. Get honest and analyze the problem.

Begin to notice and put these suggestions into practice. We will look at more strategies next week. Share your ways of letting go with us.

Overcome Being Overwhelmed

Overcome being overwhelmed by recognizing the pattern. This pattern includes exaggerated thinking – “I have a million things to do” – confused emotions – “I’m so stupid” – relentless mind chatter and physical sensations of fatigue, frustration and fear.

Knowing that you want a change is easier than knowing what to do. We are intelligent beings. We are also emotional beings. When overwhelming emotions take over, thinking takes a holiday.

The secret to keeping our total behavior of thinking, doing, emoting and physiology is found in breathing. Slow. Deep. Purposeful. Deliberately. Allow incoming oxygen to calm the passion and send blood flow to the brain to re-engage rational thinking.

Think rationally about your to-do-list. Yes, several things demand your attention but it is nowhere near a million.

Gracious thinking about your self-esteem. You may have made a less than stellar choice, but you are not stupid.

Conscious, focused breathing calms the body’s systems to respond humanely. Use it for you to lessen opposition. Gently give it to your perceived adversaries. Without fanfare, allow him to take a minute to calm down. Do not demand answers.

In heightened emotions, we do not have answers anyway; we only have rationalizations that cloud rather than clarify. Or defenses that destroys rather than build.

The higher your energy level the more efficient your body – your total behavior. Focus helps you to prioritize your choices to pursue and to eliminate.

We become overwhelmed when we take things personally – as though we are the savior of the world – and it’s all about us to do or die.

We overcome when we come to terms that the stress from the situation is more about our own thinking than it is about the actual tasks at hand. That is not to discount the responsibilities of work and home and community involvements. It is to say that trying to do – or think about and plan for – at the same time is humanly impossible. It is too confusing; mind-boggling,

Go for excellence by doing the best you can do while in a state of calm learning. Let go of the paralyzing, stressing idea of perfectionism.

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Once you buy into being aware and put the awareness into practice, you become empowered - which is the highest form of power/control there is - internal rather than external; control of self rather than control of others.  When we are in control mode, our forced control over the others backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive). When we give up control techniques we are in a much greater position to influence the offender to the positive.   

Overcoming Internal Conflict

The human condition is one of continual conflicts. The greatest argument is the one we have with ourselves over polar extremes such as being comfortable with the status quo vs. restlessness for change. Failure comes from wanting to change results rather than attitudes and actions. If you are honest with yourself you will find that most obstacles to a meaningful life lie within yourself, not in the hands of others and not within the environment. Here are some thoughts for overcoming this internal conflict.

1. Wipe the slate clean. Let go of past failures and successes. Failures can keep you anchored; successes can keep you lazy. Even the negative person is part of the collective unconscious that spurs us to “start over” – New Year and resolutions, spring time and fresh growth, the crisp air of fall and returning to school. There is something mysterious about endings and beginnings. We seek a specific demarcation of leaving old things behind us and making a fresh new start. Allow every morning to brings new possibilities. Make new beginnings a part of your daily routine.

2. Step out of your comfort zone. We do not have the ability to perform beyond our own self-concept. Face fear by deliberately choosing to do something you are not comfortable doing. Speak to a stranger, eat alone at a public restaurant, volunteer out of your field of expertise, take a college course, experiment with the computer/internet, give a talk at a civic event, become involved in sports.

3. Be at peace with the man in the mirror. Be more concerned with what you think of you than what others think of you, because they probably are not thinking of you. There are two dangers: 1) thinking you are somebody and 2) thinking you are nobody. You have both flaws to be worked on and talents to offer that will make the world a better place.

4. Find your courage. No one can have courage for you; it is a do-it-yourself job. Find it, use it, exercise it and embrace it. Encouragement means to “pour courage into” so pour courage into you through positive self-talk and constructive affirmations.

5. Make every day a great event. Find something to be thankful for such as the awesome privilege of being alive. Embrace the health that you have and work to improve it. Relish your relationships and make time to nurture them. Appreciate your employment and be a productive worker. Allow a job well done to be its own reward.

Following these simple, yet profound, concepts on an on-going basis will work wonders in solving the internal conflict. Try them. They work.

Overcome Being Overwhelmed

Overcome being overwhelmed by recognizing the pattern. This pattern includes exaggerated thinking – “I have a million things to do” – confused emotions – “I’m so stupid” – relentless mind chatter and physical sensations of fatigue, frustration and fear.

Knowing that you want a change is easier than knowing what to do. We are intelligent beings. We are also emotional beings. When overwhelming emotions take over, thinking takes a holiday.

The secret to keeping our total behavior of thinking, doing, emoting and physical responding is found in breathing. Slow. Deep. Purposeful. Deliberately. Allow incoming oxygen to calm the passion and send blood flow to the brain to re-engage rational thinking.

Think rationally about your to-do-list. Yes, several things demand your attention but it is nowhere near a million.

Gracious thinking about your self-esteem. You may have made a less than stellar choice, but you are not stupid.

Conscious, focused breathing calms the body’s systems to respond humanely. Use it for you to lessen opposition. Gently give it to your perceived adversaries. Without fanfare, allow him to take a minute to calm down. Do not demand answers.

In heightened emotions, we do not have answers anyway; we only have rationalizations that cloud rather than clarify. Or defenses that destroys rather than build.

The higher your energy level the more efficient your body – your total behavior. Focus helps you to prioritize your choices to pursue and to eliminate.

We become overwhelmed when we take things personally – as though we are the savior of the world – and it’s all about us to do or die.

We overcome when we come to terms that the stress from the situation is more about our own thinking than it is about the actual tasks at hand. That is not to discount the responsibilities of work and home and community involvements. It is to say that trying to do – or think about and plan for – at the same time is humanly impossible. It is too confusing; mind-boggling,

Go for excellence by doing the best you can do while in a state of calm learning. Let go of the paralyzing, stressing idea of perfectionism.

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Once you buy into being aware and put the awareness into practice, you become empowered - which is the highest form of power/control there is - internal rather than external; control of self rather than control of others. When we are in control mode, our forced control over the others backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive). When we give up control techniques we are in a much greater position to influence the offender to the positive.

Control: Internal vs. External

 

One meaning of control is “to have power over”. Regardless of our rank or position in life, the bottom line is: The only person over whom we have power of control is ourselves.

 

Regardless of our rank or position in life, no one can control you to make you do anything you do not wish to do.  We can cajole, threaten, humiliate, reward, bribe, punish or instigate other creative measures to control another, but if the upper hand is gained, it is only because he chose to give in to our request/demand.  If we are willing to accept the outcome, no one can make us do anything we do not wish to do. 

 

As the defiant lad said, “I may be sitting down on the outside but I am standing up on the inside!”  The action may have changed but not necessarily the attitude.

 

The lad was not controlled. The child chose to sit because to continue in his current action would bring pain. The child internally chose to externally control himself. The one issuing the mandate may mistakenly think he controlled the child.

 

And thus sets up the power struggle of the human condition.

 

When we push for control we make it about us. We overcome when we realize that the stressor is more about us than it is about him/her/them. That is not to discount that he is being a royal jerk! It is to become aware that the only person over whom we have control is me and, therefore, I do not have to respond in kind to his behavior, attitude or offense. 

 

Responding in kind is to give back in equivalent to what has been received.  Just because he has been rude, impatient and aggressive, does not mean that I get to be defensive, frustrated and antagonistic. The less we exercise personal control the more control we try to wield over others. 

 

Conversely, the more internal personal control we exercise – the more we choose to have power over our thoughts, our actions and our emotions – the less controlling we will be of others.

 

Everything that happens to you is self-created. Whenever you're responding to any

situation, whether it's a sip of coffee, or a traffic jam, or a love note, or criticism

from a boss, or rainy weather, you're in fact responding to a signal that you

generated within yourself.” -- Deepak Chopra

 

Once you buy into being aware and put personal responses into practice, you become empowered internally that influences externally. Control of self – your thoughts, your actions and your emotions - is a high form of power/control. Trying to control another backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive). When we give up controlling techniques we are in a greater position to influence the positive.   

Overcome Taking Things Personally

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

At a potluck dinner a woman’s contribution was several gallons of unsweetened tea.  A man in the line sarcastically asked, “What, did they not sell sweet tea?” 

 

The woman took it personally and became offended. The comment was more about the man than it was about the woman.  It showcased his selfishness of wanting things catered to his likes and his apparent laziness of adding sweetener.  It was more about him until she intercepted it and made it about her.

 

Taking things personally is agreeing while disagreeing and becoming upset. It is a selfish response that assumes everything is about you.  When you make it all about you, then you feel the need to defend yourself. Or go prove the other person wrong by trying to impose your way of seeing things onto them.  This produces conflict.  Even if it seems directed at you - “What did you do to your hair?” - maybe it is not about you.  Maybe she is having a bad hair day and taking it out on you.  Take yourself out of the middle with a neutral, “Sorry” or “Yea, I know.” 

 

By choosing not to take the comment personally, you are in a position to honestly evaluate if it is truth or not.  If the comment is untrue, choose to overlook it and pleasantly change the subject. If it is true you still have choices.  On the positive, you see the offender as helping you grow; you acknowledge the wound and determine steps for self-improvement.  On the negative note, you embrace the wound and add to your victim status.  You view the offender as keeping you down.

 

A friend of mine has greatly improved his relationship with this family as well as his own well-being.  How? He chooses to see their criticism as a misdirected way of showing love.  After all, criticism is a disconnecting way of making a request. 

 

Why be offended by truth?  For example, suppose someone calls you fat.  If you are not fat, you can more easily see how the offensive remark is more about the other person than about you. She is hurling attacks in a misdirected way of trying to make you look bad and her look good. If you are fat, why be offended by the truth?  Did the statement really make you aware of something you did not already know? 

 

Taking things personally is suffering for nothing.  Evaluate: Did you take the comment personally because the statement hit a sore spot? Perhaps it highlighted a habit you are not disciplined enough yet to correct?  Perhaps it was because of a bur in the relationship. If your best friend had comment about your hair, how would you have responded? 

 

It really is all about you.  In the unsweetened tea example, the man could have picked up a packet of sweetener and said nothing about only one option of tea.  The woman could have nicely handed him a packet of sweetener and said nothing about the comment. Although we can choose not to take comments personally, a pleasant outcome to a negative situation is more about us than it is about them. 

Joys of Journaling

“I began these pages for myself, in order to think out my own particular pattern of           

 living… and since I think best with a pencil in my hand, I started naturally to write.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

 

Thinking with a pencil in hand is an excellent way of knowing yourself. Journaling is a discipline I began in the early 1970’s and it is a luxury I continue to give myself. I journal as a way of “getting it out of my system” so I can interact with people in a more loving, kind, non-threatening, affectionate way.  Reflection on self and others is at the root of integrity. Journaling is a mirror that helps to bring resolve by being more objective; it gives me insight into my actions or reactions.

 

“The trouble with following the crowd is — it’s crowded.”  Infinity Car Commercial

 

Journaling helps brings emotions and thoughts into perspective.  There is something concrete about seeing your thoughts in black and white; it helps bring clarity and meaning, rather than just having them bounce around in your head, “driving you crazy”.  Journaling helps to bring these controlling emotions into control and makes them more manageable.  It gives you an opportunity to see what you do believe and what you want to hold on, or want to discard. 

 

Journaling is a sounding board from you to you.  It like talking to another person, only to one who truly understands what you are saying and who can genuinely help you find solutions.

Journaling helps to express the intensity of your emotions without harming the relationship.  You can express hate without devastating the one hated; or at least the one you hate at the moment. And when you realize the emotion is not really burning hate but a deep frustration, you are more at east being with the offender knowing you have not deliberately wounded him/her. 

 

Journaling is a catharsis that helps clarify in writing what you have difficulty speaking.  It is a self-awareness skill that leads to overcoming.  Journaling helps you to listen to yourself, to seek resolution and perhaps leads to relationship building ways to reconcile with those who have hurt you (or whom you have hurt). 

 

Journaling encourages you to make time for yourself and for spiritual quiet time.  Journaling helps to process deep and raw emotions.  It gives access to levels of understanding that otherwise would have remained elusive.  It leads to the possibilities of writing stories and teaching materials directly from my own wounds, which brings healing to myself and to others.   

 

Not only can journaling help you come to terms with present situations, is a way of keeping a history of your life; recording thoughts, emotions, remembrances of days gone by, special moments with children, mate or friends. It is a way to record experiences you do not want to forget.  It is a way of expressing your life to future generations (should you ever choose to share them). Failure to journal is a waste of wonderful memories.  Go ahead; discover the joys of journaling.



Being Overwhelmed

Do you relate?

A major factor behind feeling overwhelmed is allowing yourself to be besieged by today’s fast-paced multi-tasking society. One becomes inundated with so many things to do that mismanagement holds sway. Priorities are neglected. Goals are abandoned. One becomes filled with guilt over broken promises and overdue deadlines. Fear and frustration reign.


Stop. Take a deep breath.

There, didn’t that one simple suggestion help?

The act of stopping allows you to catch up with you. Stopping permits the tornadic whirlwind to settle. One deep meaningful breath calms emotions and engages rational thinking.

Observe. Once you are off the fast-track you are better able to see your surrounds. It is not so much what is going on around you as what is going on inside you. As the fevered tension subsides, purposely monitor your self-destructive patterns.

The body’s cells operate in one of two positions: closed for survival or open for growth. Frustration is the chaotic combination of distorted mental pictures, critical self-talk and the physical cells closing down (in order to keep you alive!). With the release of pent-up frustration, energy flows for accomplishment.

Assess. Examine your to-do-list in order to judge or evaluate its validity.

• Quickly write down all the pressing thoughts in your head. Do not judge the need or organize the outcome. Just write from the largest to the minutest; have to’s and want to’s.
• Once your random thoughts are on paper, distinguish between a project and the tasks that aide in the completion of the project. Example: The project is organization; associated tasks are: sort out (closets, shelves, files) systematize reading materials, de-clutter desk, scrub floors, take off recycle, donate to Salvation Army, hold garage sale. Projects dwarf once you see how details to be accomplishment are one and the same.
• Independently calculate the weight of each project. On a scale of 1-10, with ten being the heaviest, assign power to each project. Although all are important, give due diligence to the one of greatest weight over those that appears urgent. Even if two of the lesser weights are marked-off, your loan will not be lightened because the heaviest is still waiting in the wings.
• Set a time and date. Today, tomorrow, this week, this month, this year; long term, short term. You cannot rise above your calendar. Once tasks are given a time frame in which to be accomplished, energy is directed to the outcome more than the minutia.
• Ask and answer self-evaluation questions. Is it really important? How so? Is it really that urgent? Why? Have I given it more power than it warrants? What if I saw it as a choice rather than a command? Is the fate of the world dependent upon my doing this? Or my family? Who do I need to help me? How can I delegate?

Who would have thought that moving forward starts with stopping? Rather ironic, huh? Don’t just imagine what three or five deep breaths would do; experience it. Live it. Keep your cells open for growth.

Please share your insights below.

Building Your Safety Net

Restlessness and complacency are twin rivals of the human psyche.

Accept who you are now and grow into whom you want to become and where you want to go or do. The fairy tale world of “Someday I’ll…” does not come true. Wishing and dreaming is not enough. Such irrational thinking sees self as whole and complete. It takes out all the temptations and struggles of today’s reality. Get in touch with your humanness, accept help and guidance and develop those latent strengths.

Monitor your growth. Set a benchmark to focus on and keep track of day-to-day progress. Studies show, for example, that weight loss is twice as effective for those who record their food intake as those who do not. It makes reality more visible, whereas non-measured activity lends to error.

Give up trying (low energy) and go with doing (high energy). Look at how far you have come “since when” and embrace where you are now. Trying embraces struggle whereas doing releases ideas and energy and results. Baby steps are okay. Success in small increments ups the ante to keep on.

Consider changing your playground and your playmates. The body is a remarkable instrument that wants to heal itself. The cells in the body have only two positions: closed for protection and open for growth. Glucose is a willpower enforcer that is released into the blood stream in nurturing environments.

Glucose “willpower” is constricted in hostile, not-good-for-you settings. Consider who is good for you and hang around them. Get honest with who/what is not good for you and limit exposure.

Change is invigorating to soul, mind, body and spirit. Like most things, habits are both good and not so good. The habit that propels you to brush your teeth is great, not so much the one that unthinkingly reaches for the cigarettes. When surroundings are the same, so too are ingrained habits.

A slight change in your environment can cause you to re-think. Replace junk food with fruits and vegetables. Put interesting reading material on top of the TV remote. Keep dumbbells in an accessible spot for impromptu strength training. Every time you chose a positive move, consciously tell yourself you are brain-training your mind.

Believe it and see it. Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality. Athletes who visualize overcoming an obstacle win hands down over the also-rans who tried to do their best. Anticipate challenges and see yourself succeeding anyway. Practice graciously and boldly saying “No, thank you” to those tempting offers that are sure to come.

There is strength in numbers. Align yourself with people who embody the character qualities you want developed. Get involved with wholesome groups like church, sports and mentors. Hang around those who encourage you, support you and cheer you on.

Be kind and patient. Beating yourself up serves no worthwhile purpose whereas self-compassion - especially in light of set-backs - leads to self-control and do-over motivation.

Refuse to indulge in the vicious cycle of error, guilt, condemnation and greater error. Self-forgiveness sets you up to focus on what you really want, who you really are and whom you really can become.

Watch your self-talk directed at others. Judging, condemning and criticizing others turns them into your enemy whether they are or not. We need community. The person you judge as self-righteous may be dealing with his own demons in a different manner than you. Just maybe what you see as nagging is a mishandled way of encouragement. Suppose they (mom, mate, co-worker, authority) see the real possibilities within you and - out of frustration -tries to force you into being you. With the reciprocity of life such as it is your extending compassion to him comes back to you.

Walking a high wire needs a safety net. So does life. The good news is that with a self-balancer in hand, it requires less and less effort to stay aright. A set-back does not mean failure. What counts is how you recover. Get up, dust yourself off and get right back on track. It’s worth it.

Let's start a conversation.

Making a Difference, Having Fun (Part 2)

The routine of daily life affords opportunities to make a difference in your own life as well as in the lives of others and (since everything is connected) in the world. To continue to do so without damage to personal health, relationships and career is to employ an element of fun.

Remember your humanity – and the aspects of your personality.

In eagerness to do great things we can get caught up in the work and forget our humanity. That all work and no play produces stressed individuals and strained relationships. That we are a multi-dimensional being with needs and it is okay to have those needs met. Needs like sleep, family time, worship, community service… Deliberately schedule in down times. Purposely set a no-electronic break. DO take a yearly vacation, preferably without cell phone or e-mails.

In eagerness to prove who we are one often take on too much. “I can do that.” “I can do that.” “I can do that.” In the overload reality sets in; “I cannot do that!” Just because you are good at something does not mean you have to do it. Never say “Yes” just to be liked. It doesn’t work!

Remember that you cannot be all things to all people so give up the stress of trying. Psychologist Carl Jung says that of all the people we meet in a lifetime, 1/3 love us, 1/3 tolerate us and 1/3 loath us. Joyfully adopt the mantra: “Some will. Some won’t. So what? Next! J”

Remember their humanity

Co-workers or family members have viable ideas and legitimate needs. They tire and become stressed. They make mistakes and need compassion. They have an identity and need acknowledgment and respect.

In the movie Patch Adams the training doctor took lowly interns on rounds. With pontification he pointed out maladies and pronounced treatment. To his humiliation (and I trust humbling), Patch gently reminded Doc that “the gall bladder in 202 has a name; Mrs. Smith.”

How easy is it to expect a child to be something the parent is not willing to be; patient, calm, understanding. How easy is it to respond “Again?” to an appeal to restock a local food pantry?

We human beings are more alike than we are different. Find commonality and soften irritants.

Use humor appropriately. If you are going to laugh about it someday, go ahead and make that day today. Be on the lookout for the absurd and find something funny about it. Laugh at yourself and with others. Never make another the bunt of a joke. Eliminate sarcasm.

Life is a gift given to us by God and our parents. What we do with our time on planet earth is a gift given in return. You will not live forever. Pass it on. Be promotable. Leave a legacy.

“Let your vision become larger than yourself, or it will die with you.” - Cleddie Keith

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Test Self-Talk for Truth or Error

Do you talk to yourself? Are you kind or critical? Do you argue with yourself? Do you win? Or do you find yourself exclaiming, “This is driving me crazy!”? Could it be that the thoughts are going over and over in your mind without ever coming to a conclusion?

The science of Epigenetic says that a cell can only be in one of two positions: open for growth or closed for protection. The brain, based upon messages the body sends, gives command to the cells to flow (growth) or to fight-flight (protection).


"Man's greatest instrument is his psyche and is little thought of
and often directly mistrusted and despised." Psychiatrist Carl Jung



The key to “self-talk” is self. Quit beating yourself up; it is counter-productive. Growth comes in a safe, nurturing environment. A state of flow awakens one to the truth of your own nature. Fight assigns consent to stand up for your legitimate needs. Flight grants the freedom to be the best you that you are created to be.

Become your own best friend. Take responsibility for your actions without judgment or blame. Do not use your words against you through guilting and shaming. Do not use your words against others by blaming, criticizing or gossiping. When you have a legitimate issue to confront, address it from a place of victory not from a victim stance.

Overcome the “Yeah, but” syndrome. Self-esteem and self-honesty go hand-in-hand. Instead of being critical, angry or upset, send love to the problem. Practice the command to, “Love your neighbor as yourself”. In the midst of acknowledging your own flaws, send love to you. Armed with a healthy dose of self-love, rather than nurse ugly thoughts of another, send love to the troublemaker.

Mirror images. Negative attitudes play a color-blinding role. It blinds one to powerful self-truths and dismisses positive character traits. One born with the gift of leadership becomes a dictator unless exposed to the eye-opening light of self-reflection. Without self-knowledge a polite response to an offender may be judged as being weak.

Muscles are meant to tense and relax, to close and open, and to hold and release as needed. Unfortunately, many hold residual tension in muscles that hinders relaxation. Tension remains in the body through the failure to release and let it go.

Become aware of the times you hold your breath and allow it to be a springboard to reflection.

Monitor your self-talk for criticism. Rather than beat you up, practice self-compassion and strategize self-improvement steps. Rather than mentally berate another, practice other-compassion and strategize self-improvement steps that will bring personal growth, health and peace.


Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

Overcoming Being a Jerk

In the movie, The Call of the Wilderness, Stewart Little befriended Carlos the Skunk. In building their relationship Stewart Little taught Carlos valuable life lessons. Carlos said “I thought the other animals didn’t like me because I smelled. Now I realize they didn’t like me because I was a jerk.”

Here is a simple assessment of jerky behavior and thoughts for overcoming.

Are you tactfully and respectfully able to speak openly and honestly? Do you give thought before addressing an issue? Do you respect the person even when you disapprove of the behavior? Or do you blurt out your truth (opinion) and let the chips fall wherever they may?

Can you address hard issues without undue anxiety? Are you emotionally honest about your feelings? Do you allow anger to mask your hurt?

Do you enjoy spending time with your family? Or do you dread togetherness? What is your attitude in taking care of common household responsibilities? Forced or willing? Are you a team player or a lone-ranger?

Do you recite a litany of what everyone is “supposed” to do? Do you keep score? If things do not go your way, do you raise a stink?

How do you handle criticism? Being defensive when corrected is a mark of immaturity. Rather than get honest with one’s shortcomings and deal with them head-on, a jerk tries to protect self at all cost. The ego is too bruised to handle the comment so he counter-attacks.

The jerk views his offensive behavior as an ill-fated flaw which he has no power to correct. It goes beyond being wrong to being a failure. Overcome being a jerk by realizing you have been given the opportunity of seeing yourself from another’s point of view. One outside of yourself. That the critic’s response is a mirror reflecting you back to you.

Do you mask your imperfections? Perfectionists are especially tough on themselves. Not so much from not knowing their faults but from fear of another finding them out.

Get over yourself. Become a part of the human race; one flawed individual interacting with other flawed individuals. See their comment as a meaningful suggestion not as a pronunciation of your being a totally inept person. Good response: “Oh, I hadn’t thought of it that way. Thank you for pointing it out.”

Are you willing to forgive? Regardless of how painful, do not allow a passing moment to become a lifetime hurtful memory. Do not allow your scars to turn into sarcastic, demeaning responses, aimed at the guilty and innocent alike. Start with the decision to forgive you. In time, that will give you the courage to extend forgiveness to others. Come to grips with your past so you can move beyond it.

Rationalization is not evaluation. Cessandra Farmer says that “Rationalization is giving a socially acceptable answer for a socially unacceptable behavior.” Rationalization is being a jerk. No matter how much information is given, either positively or negatively, until the individual evaluates the situation for himself, the confrontation is mute.

I suggest Carlos came to his conclusion by observing his previous off-putting behavior and assessing the lack of fulfillment. I encourage you to do the same. Self-evaluate, get honest and overcome. Even skunks can become pleasant to be around.

Let’s start a conversation. What jerky behavior have you observed? What are positive steps for change? Please make a comment regarding this post. Thanks.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Life Lessons

I gave a talk for Women in Banking. Since at one point in my career I worked in a bank, I entitled my talk Life Lessons from Banking. But they are really life lessons from life.

Whatever your hand finds to do… I entered the work force directly out of high school and loved the excitement of being in a grown-up world. I was a secretary and felt so important. I answered phones and interacted with clients and solved problems. I loved it. I looked forward to Monday mornings and TGIF was not a part of my vocabulary. Then I began to listen to the office chatter; the complaints and taking extra minutes at break. My zeal began to wane. In my daily reading was the axiom, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” I learned the power of enthusiasm. I learned the power of personal accountability. This newly found work ethic served me well then and continues to do so to this day.

The creativity of uniform. We wore uniforms. They were red, white and blue and included blazers, skirt, pants and vests. I loved it. The more we dressed alike, the more individual we became; the more personalities shown through. The sameness released creativity in accessorizing. The standardized dress code saved time and energy in the morning. And in travel, it cut down on packing. This dress simplicity is a life lesson I continue to incorporate. The rewards are innumerable. The application has spread to other areas for effortless stress-free living.

A penny earned is a penny earned. When I became pregnant and wanted to be a stay-at-home Mom, we curtailed our spending and began to put every penny toward paying off our home loan. When you have purpose, sacrifice transcends and is no longer sacrifice. This principle has come in handy in situations like working through rocky patches in our forty-three year marriage. In choosing to be the caretaker for Garland’s aging Mom. When we released our growing daughter to become her own person, there was no worries for the relationship had been early solidified. With the current economic situation and downturn in the stock market, the value of frugality redeems itself.

Be a lifelong learner. The bank offered reimbursement for credit classes. I began to see how my job interrelated to other jobs in the organization, helping all to run efficiently as a whole. We are connected and what we do effect others. We live in community; happiness and success are about relationships.

I choose to live looking for the deeper meaning in every situation. And it is a choice. We can live haphazardly or we can live with intention. I want to live with conscious intention and encourage you to do the same. Together we can continually grow and bloom and blossom.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

From Suffering to Meaning

All of us are searching for meaning. This search leads to the need for change. The change process encounters pain. It is easy to lie to ourselves. We think we know our intensions and that we also understand our reasoning for lack of follow through. And therein lies the self-sabotage that begs for self-honesty. Speaker/Writer John Maxwell observes that people change only “when they hurt enough they have to, they learn enough they are able to, or they experience enough they want to.”

Need for control: Problems can be a manifestation of deep-seated fear or worry that weighs us down. It is often related to anxiety or anger about losing control. Problems may begin during a particularly stressful situation and progress with on-going “out-of-control” phases of your life. Pay attention to your feelings and see notice patterns of blame, shame or victimization.

Live today today. Be present. Objectively observe self and applaud or correct. Observe the things you avoid and determine why. Avoidance narrows your life.

This too shall pass. When negative emotions arise, you have the power to decide what to do with them. You can nurse, curse and rehearse the offense or you can chose to move past the hurt. To stay infects; to move beyond promotes healing.

Values clarification. Sacrifice transcends and is no longer sacrifice when you see the meaning of sacrifice. It is always need versus need. Such as the need to be your own unique self against the need for peer-acceptance. Be aware of conflicting values and make conscious choices rather than settling.

Evaluate your mental state. An overly emotional reaction to an event leads to neuroses. When you feel the room is closing in on you, sit calmly and breathe deeply. Focus on a distance object and say aloud, “That is over there and I am over here.” Look at your hands and say aloud, “I am over here and that is over there.” Repeat. Feel the space opening up. Verify that a Mac truck is not barreling down on you.

Develop discipline. Make intentional decisions and let yourself know you have reached a conclusion. The bottom line is, you either do or you do not. No decision is a decision.

Tests prove that brain chemistry changes positively when one interacts with people he trusts. For genuine transformation we need feedback from those who love us and we need to be accountable to them. It is through community that we learn enough and experience enough to be able to change. And in the process we find meaning.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Breaking Bad Habits

A New Year is a great time to form new habits. Habits cause us to do things automatically without aforethought. Many habits contribute to our well-being and make us more proficient. The key is to be aware of habits that have become destructive and the mindless routine in which they are engaged. Such as: mindless eating, mindless time wasting, mindless complaining, mindless spending and mindless angering.

The bad news: Bad habits take on a life of their own and seem impossible to break.
The good news: Old habits can be broken.

Better news: All habits are formed by routine. Change in routine indirectly changes habits.
Actions are formed based on what one believes. When those actions are fostered by the environment they become a habitual way of living. The action compounded by years of repetition becomes a steel girder not easily unchained.

The formula: Belief + Environment x Repetition = Habit.

Stop by starting. Life abhors a vacuum so stop by starting a new behavior. The focus on quitting creates a void and your mind or body does not know what to do. Replace non-productive habits with exciting new endeavors. What do you enjoy doing? Find your joy and dive in with utter abandonment.

Life is filled with choices. These choices include the attitude you project, the words you use, the people with whom you engage, the way you spend your money, your facial expressions, your tone of voice, the pace of your step. How would your life change with a slight adjustment in any one of these areas? A spring in the step can energize the mind and spirit to act and think differently.

Make quality choices by asking quality questions. What do you want? What do you really want? What are you doing to get it? Is it working for you? How is it working? What one thing could you do differently?

Give yourself permission to change. It is okay to get well. It is okay to do what works for you. When your contemplation reveals an action that is not working for you, give yourself permission to stop. Give yourself permission to start in another direction. Engage in new energy producing activities.

Determine who you really are. You establish who you are by deciding who you are not. Decide and speak it out loud to yourself and to others. Once you establish that you are not a lazy person, taking action becomes easier. To ascertain that you are not a grump, frees you to be more pleasant. When you conclude you are not a smokestack, you long to breathe fresh air and to smell clean. Once you uncover that you are not fat (regardless of the evidence against you), you are freer to choose foods that will support that fact. And mentioning it to others, they will help hold you accountable.

Change does not have to take for ever. The highway to our community was improved by straighten it and widened it. D.O.T. frequent posted notices of “change of traffic pattern” as the vehicles were directed onto the newly finished construction, then back to the old part, and back and forth. The changes quickly became normal and it was difficult to remember where the original road had been. Change and feel good about it.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”