Ineffective Control

When driving a car, one needs to be in control of the vehicle for the good of all. Being in control is to be alert, courteous and law abiding. Sometimes a driver takes ineffective control by going too fast, passing dangerously, drinking and driving, tail gating, running red lights, yelling at other drivers, making obscene gestures, acting as though he/she owns the road, being impatient, etc.

Ineffective Control is about more than driving a vehicle. It includes interaction with people on a daily basis.

Trying to control another is ineffective and destructive. The more you try to control things outside the scope of your power, the more stress you put on you and on those relationships important to you. The only thing over which you have the power, right, or ethical responsibility to change is your own mind and attitude.

You cannot control another. One may bully, confine, coerce, intimidate, reward or manipulate but you cannot control. It is like the defiant little boy who proclaimed, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I am standing up on the inside.”

Compliance is not control. Just because you give in to another’s demands, does not mean he is controlling you. Even though you may feel controlled it was a choice you made, you just have not let yourself know it. Just because someone submits to your demands, does not mean you have controlled him. A person convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.

Trying to control another is also destructive to you. You are expending energy that is not converted to effective power. Control builds resentment and rebellion in family, friends, co-workers and mere acquaintances.

On a TV program several people were gathered around a table trying to have fun although one man was controlling the conversation and was over-bearing. A companion got his attention and said, “They want you to eat with them over at that table.”

The man, in his arrogance (which is a major symptom of ineffective control) straightened his tie, cocked his head and said, “Really? Who?”

To which the woman replied, ”Everyone at this table.”

Change your mind and you will change your life. Change your attitude and you will be in a better position to effect positive influence over others. You can set a good example they will want to emulate. You can use your words – ask, tell, make suggestions.

So what’s the problem? Parents are responsible for setting guidelines and insisting upon appropriate behavior, which can be construed by an immature child as control. In our determination to overthrow this control, in turn, we become controlling of others. It is ineffective and relationship destroying. People just will not mind us, no matter how grand our advice!

The Apostle Paul said, “When I was a child, I thought as a child, I acted like a child, but now that I am a man, I have put away childish behaviors.” It is time to grow up and be in control of the only one you can be – YOU.

Follow Up to Follow Through

Do you think you rush to find and answer your phone because it rings? Actually, you answer the phone because you want to connect with the person on the other end. Everyone likes to hear from a friend. Make all your clients and prospects friends and get over call reluctance.

Here are a few suggestions for growing your business.

1. That’s great, now do it again. It takes a while to grow your business. When your efforts produce smaller results than expected, instead of becoming discouraged, say to yourself, “That was great. Now get out there and do it again.” As you do it again and again, results grow in direct proportion to your growth.

2. Make melody even if you can’t sing. Mary Kay Ash says everyone has a sign around his neck that says, “Make me feel important.” What better way to make someone feel important than by using his/her name. Hearing your own name is music to your ears.

3. Have an agenda of “I want to connect with you.” It is all about relationship. As you develop relationship with clients and potential clients, future calls are not to be dreaded, but embraced. After all, who does not like to hear from a friend.

4. Rekindle the lost art of snail mail. A hand written note speaks volumes, and a postcard works great. E-mails are okay, but a hand-written note is even more special because it is considered heartfelt. A hand written note is so rare, that the receiver will a) feel extra important, b) tell others or display it on a bulletin board, and c) remember you. Through the written word, though absent, you speak.

5. Rise above perceived rejection. As you follow up, some will say “yes” and some will say “no”. So what? “No” is not fatal unless you allow it to be. Someone else is waiting. Instead of seeing it as a rejection, change your focus and see it as another opportunity to have touched this person’s life.

6. Establish yearly check-ups. Dentists and Doctors do it. Lawyers and Investment Officers do it. You do it. Make a point to contact each client, contact, and potential client at least once a year. Sample dialogue: Hello, Tom! This is Mona Dunkin, I met you at Rotary in April. How are things going? I can’t believe how time has flown and I wanted to check to see how I may serve you. May I have ten minutes of your time next Wednesday? Great, see you then.”

7. Smile before making a call. It shows in your voice.

Every time you make follow up calls - on the phone or in person - and every time you go networking, repeat to yourself, “I love making calls to new people that will end up being great clients and wonderful friends.”

Then do it.

Communicatoin Challenges

A challenge in communication is assuming the other party is as interested in the subject as you are.

Our daughter frequently baby-sat while growing up. One child was quite loquacious and would talk on and on. In the midst of a lengthy tirade, she stopped abruptly and proclaimed, “Who cares? Nobody cares!” 

Initially I found the comment amusing.  But as I observed the child’s crestfallen expression, I realized she was repeating to herself what had been replicated to her by someone she loved.  I felt her pain of being dismissed. 

Allow the following suggestions to help you ward off such rejection. 

Consider self before condemning another. How many times have you been guilty of the following scenarios?

• Hearing but not listening? 
• Taking a mental vacation when someone is pouring out their heart to you? 
• Asking a question without giving heed to the answer?  Interrupting? 
• Preferring the TV over your companion’s conversation? 
• Dismissal through a variety of attitudes and actions? 

Discern casual comments vs. committed inquiry.  On the receiving end, “How was your day” is more of a pleasant greeting than an invitation for an in depth conversation.  On the giving end, if you not are genuinely interested in a detailed account of another’s health, rather than asking, “How are you”, simply make a pleasant comment to acknowledge their presence. 

Choose to stop pushing.  A definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.  To force attention is to fend off what you are pursuing.  Instead of getting louder or more demanding, simply decide to speaker slower, softer or perhaps to lovingly simply quit speaking. 

Be gracious. Attitude is always more important than the action. Whether stopping or pursuing, monitor your attitude. Give a civil response; make your voice soft, your facial expression pleasant and your words agreeable.  Do not engage in resentment or revenge.      

Choose to not be offended.  And it is a choice.  We have a need to connect with others.  The deeper our human contact need, the more easily a presumed disregard hurts. 

Teach others how to treat you.  When the offending party comments on your withdrawal, politely respond by continuing the dialogue and bring your remarks to a quick conclusion.  When you respect them by not pushing, they learn to respect you by becoming more caring.     

Give/receive forgiveness.  If the offending party does not acknowledge that you have abandoned your input, make up your mind to forgive him/her anyway.  When the offending party apologizes – then or later – cordially accept. 

By following these guidelines perhaps the connection will occur more frequently.

And the little girl? I smiled and encouraged her to continue.  I took care not only to listen, but also to hear.  

Controlling Your Emotions

Emotions, can you trust them?

Emotions have a wide range of expression; some are pleasant, such as happiness, and some are uncomfortable, such as fear. Unwelcome emotions like grief or anger are for our good, acting as a tutor to steer us in different directions in similar future circumstances. Emotions are expressions of feelings, tools for self-protection and means of motivation.

A mark of maturity is how well one handles his emotions. To raise your emotional IQ, use the following suggestions to deal positively with criticism or negativity.

Do not take it personally. Suppose Monk is your favorite TV show and your mate thinks it is silly. Choose not to be defensive; do not see it as a personal rejection. People have different tastes, various likes and dislikes, and dissimilar takes on humor. Do not make it into more than it is. Be aware and intentional about how you respond. Beware lest emotions backfire and cause reverberating effects.

What vs. why. “Why” encourages excuses. “What” promotes accountability. “Why” looks at the here and now. “What” looks at the present and future.

Assume positive intent. What you tell yourself about what you hear determines how you will respond. Regardless of what is said or done, see things at face value and do not look for hidden agendas. You want to respond to the need, not the emotion. This will aid in objectivity and give you a fresh approach to people.

Negative assumptions lead to misunderstandings and anger. Positive assumption allows you to listen with the intent to understand what is being said and to respond calmly and respectfully, without profanity or sarcasm. Assuming positive intent allows you to acknowledging everyone as right from their own perspective.

Emotions and biology. According to Dr. Henry S. Lodge of the Columbia Medical School, emotions charge our cells to either live or die. Destructive emotions such as anger, resentment, stress and loneliness send a “starvation” message telling cells to decay. Constructive emotions of optimism, caring and community activate cellular growth to build body, mind, spirit and relationships.

Reinterpret the message. Jax Place of the Beakman column suggests that emotions are “messages we send to ourselves; from you to you, using a language that is yours alone.” Emotions include feelings and responses. Although you may not be able to control your feelings, you can control how you behave.

Change how you respond and you change how someone's action affects you. Use your emotions in ways that are good for you. Ways that promote health and happiness and wholesome relationships.

Learning to Set Boundaries

A boundary is a line - visible or invisible - that defines and establishes identity. Boundaries (picture a fence) enclose and exclude to protect. Some invisible boundaries are beliefs, creeds, rules and regulations by which we order our lives. These bonds surround and define whether it be political, religious, military, civic, familial, gang or cult. This is who we are, what we believe, what we stand for and what we do. Without boundaries, you cease to exist. Here are some guidelines for setting personal boundaries.

Determine who you are. To establish who you are and who you want to become, clarify who you are not and what you will not allow. Examples: I am not a dumping ground or a punching bag. I do not like foul language so I will not use it or permit it in my presence. I am a person of value and will not be diminished, dismissed or disregarded. Controlling or allowing yourself to be controlled are equally destructive to a relationship.    

Speak up. Although being pro-active is preferred, in the learning stages post-active is okay. It is better late than never. Whether the issue is addressed pre, present or post, the other person may see it as nagging. That is irrelevant. Be confident that you are broaching the issue for the good of the whole. Yes, it will bring peace to you but know that it will also benefit others as they learn to become better citizens of family and society.

Be firm yet kind. Firmness shows respect for yourself and that your boundaries are not to be violated; kindness shows respect to the one being corrected. We teach people how to treat us. That they can dump or disregard and we will take it, or that we will not be treated in that manner. Until you become comfortable in speaking up, it may initially come off as hostile. Do not be put off by their off putting. Do not be intimidated and do not back down. As you become proficient in speaking up, your demeanor will be strongly soft and relationships will improve.

Change you; influence others. The only person we can change is us. Our changing greatly influences others. Human nature being the sheep-mentality that it is, most people respond in kind rather than being the initial change agent. I encourage you to be that influencing, initial change agent. Life is faithful to give us the lessons over and over until we either learn and the situation is relieved, or we learn and can stay sane and unstressed in the midst of the surrounding immaturity. Regardless, the limits we have set still hold whether they are respected in peace or in protest.

Picture it. Take a tip from professional athletes and see yourself making the shot before being on the court. In your mind re-live a boundary eroding incident and see you responding differently. See you specifically addressing an issue. Formulate the words needed that will clarify your position. Feel yourself being confident and politely forceful.

Learning to set personal boundaries may be intimidating but it is not difficult. Know that you are worth protecting and stand up for yourself. Work it, cause you’re worth it!

Building Families of Strength

I originally entitled this article Strong Families. While writing, I began to see that being strong is an end product, the result of something well-built; the robustness and durability of something nurtured and cared for.

Strength implies potential. Building indicates an ongoing, continuous process that could include remodeling if necessary. Having a solid foundation on which to fall and rebuild upon. Being supportive; not necessarily agreeing with actions but always accepting the individual.

Families of strength are team players. A universal concept of team is a number of people working together on a common task for the good of the whole.

The word origin of team, originally spelled teem, is English meaning offspring. A team is a number of related animals or people (related by working or playing together), and to teem means to be full to overflowing, as with children in a house.” Readers Digest, Family Word Finder

A team participates in giving and receiving. They appreciate differences, enjoy each others company and have fun together.

Families of strength have a faith foundation. They acknowledge a power outside themselves greater than present circumstance that gives purpose to their existence. They play together, work together, worship together, pray together, laugh together, cry together and become involved in helping others.

Families of strength are consistent. There may be rare exceptions, but rules apply across the board, evenly for everyone. The atmosphere of the home is accepting and learning. Disruptions are dealt with in a mature manner. They disagree, get mad, and move past the hurt.

“Our house changed. Our neighborhood changed. I went to a new school. But nothing important really changed…. Though we moved a lot, our essential life stayed the same. Regardless of where we lived, Mom sat by me at night listening to Dick and Jane stories… home and my sense of my family and my place in it were always the same. Mother and Daddy saw to that.”

Naomi Griffith, Red Clay and Vinegar

Families of strength develop open and honest communication. There are no hidden agendas and truth is told even if it hurts or puts self in a bad light. Families of strength listen for understanding rather than to prematurely jump to conclusions and pass undue judgment.

Communication begins at birth with a parent differentiating a hungry cry from an in-pain-cry and continues for a lifetime. Communication is expressed through more than words; tone of voice, facial expressions, body stance and manner of dress speaks volumes.

Families of strength understand that pain is a part of life. Their lives are not disrupted by upheavals. Painful situations are accepted and dealt with. They embrace it as an opportunity on which to learn. Problems are viewed as a challenge in which to grow individually and to grow together corporately.

Suffering is inevitable; transcend it by not being surprised when it happens. Like the Phoenix, families of strength rise from shattered foundations. They adapt. Families of strength overcome with the unit intact.

Families of strength build history together. Successes and failures are uniquely influential in building character. Become aware of the strength of your own family. Notice how well-built it is. Appreciate its robustness and durability as you continue to nurture and care. Embrace the love. 　

For success coaching, counsel or speaking engagements, contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com

Steps to Healthy Confrontation

The need to confront can be a stressful situation. As with most things, the problem is not the problem; the problem is how you see the problem. 

When the need arises to approach someone about a touchy situation, I like to call it “care-fronting”.  The premise is this:  I care about you.  I care about me.  I care enough about our relationship that I am going to confront this issue. 

 

That attitude puts a whole new slant to confrontation.  It sets the stage for you being firm, yet kind.  It sets the stage for the other person to be more willing to listen to your position, and be able to respond with his viewpoint.  It sets the stage for resolve.

 

1.  Work through your anger.  When emotions go up, as in anger, thinking goes down.  Take a walk and give yourself some “think time” so you will be cooler and more objective.

 

2.  You initiate the contact.  Whether you are the offender or the offended, find the courage to graciously approach the other person and confidently broach the subject.  Make the opening remark non-threatening, such as, “I value our relationship and there is something I would like to talk with you about.” 

 

3.  Set a convenient time.  Not only do you ask permission to speak, you also ask for a convenient time and place.  “I need to speak with you about something I see as very important.  Is now a good time?”   

 

4.  Be pleasant and positive.  Start by expressing your appreciation of the person and his/her contribution to your life/workforce. 

 

5.  Broach the subject in a general way, and obtain permission to challenge the issue.  A suggested approach would be, “I am concerned about the lack of communication between this department and shipping.  I would like to see if we can work something out.” 

 

Often a person will become defensive due in part by an offensive approach.  If an abrasive crow bar is used to pry information, the person will respond by hammering his mind shut.   

 

6.  Use “I” statements.  Communicate the issue from your point of view.  Admit you have given thought to the problem and need clarification.  Give your perspective.   

 

7.  Allow the person to give her point of view, and choose not to be offended by anything she says.  Filter out the tone of voice, and hear only the words.  Listen without pre-conceived ideas or foregone judgments. Encourage honesty and openness.  Do not interrupt or give “Yes, but” counters. 

 

8.  Seek understanding and solution.  Sometimes agreeing to disagree is a solution; but don’t just disagree, continue to hold the person in high regard. 

 

Relationship Building Tip:  Give compliments in public; reprimands in private. 

  

Peaceful Communication

We act on the way we think things are, not on the way they actually are. Use the following insights to improve your communication.

1.Discover the door-way to communication. Attitudes and behaviors create a doorway to you as well as away from you. If someone behaves according to assigned specifications, it equals an open door. If the person interacts (intentionally or unintentionally) against specifications, the door closes – partially, all the way or can be locked and bolted. Learn to recognize behavioral styles and adjust your style to permit open communication, win/win relationship building and lessening of tension.

2 Use your words. Words are powerful. Once spoken, they cannot be retrieved. Weigh them. Measure them. Gauge them. Use them in positive and creative ways. Do not shrug or give vague answers.

3. Information is power. Ask. Tell. Be truthful. Do not exaggerate. Eliminate “always” and “never”.

4. Determine the attitude you project in times of conflict and discover ways to temper it. Non verbal communication accounts for 55% of the message.

5. Use fair judgment; of yourself and of the other person. Do not excuse and do not accuse. Be realistic. Ban blaming.

6. Set boundaries, limits or conditions. Get to the point and do not beat around the bush.

7. Focus on the problem, not the personality. This helps you to take yourself out of the emotional issue and be more objective.

8. Say less. Avoid “victim deafness”. Address the issue before it gets out of hand, do not nag, and do not beat a dead horse.

9. Use “I” statements. It is difficult to argue with a person’s specific point of view, so speak only for yourself. Put the communication monkey on your own back. Use the following formula: “I feel _________, when you __________, because ________.”

10. Don’t take comments or actions personally. You do not have to acknowledge every comment, behavior or attitude. Be willing to overlook some bad behavior to avoid “tone deafness.” Develop compassion by realizing everyone acts out of his/her hurts, frustrations and rejections.

11. Choose your battles. Do not make every issue an issue. It takes two to argue; it takes one to stop. Make the relationship more important than your opinion. When relationship is the most important, others are freed to be willing to listen to your point of view.

12. Know when to let go. Make molehills out of mountains.

Effective communication is also an asset in relationship building; it does not keep another guessing.

Opening A Closed Mind (Yours or Theirs)

There are times when critical thinking is, well, critical.

• Before commenting, judge your perception of the situation and your attitude regarding the persons involved.

• Before responding, judge your perception of the situation and your attitude toward the persons involved.

Have an open mind by holding loosely to your convictions, just in case you are proven wrong! You will believe what you believe until you believe something else. What is more important, your opinion or the truth? What is more important, your point of view, or the relationship? What is more important, your prejudice or the relationship?

Learn to respond rather than react. Take the critiquing seriously but not personally. Do not take every comment or action as a personal affront. Do not be emotions driven. Know your strengths and limitations. Set healthy boundaries, limits or conditions.

Use fair judgment; of yourself and of the other person. Do not excuse or accuse. Be more interested in dialogue that in debate. Discuss rather than argue. Speak and listen. Dialogue invites understanding of another point of view, whereas debate is trying to convince another of your position.

Differentiate between what to acknowledge and what to let slide. Do not make an issue out of every comment and do not search for hidden agendas. It takes a wise and mature person to overlook some human flaws in a presumed difficult person. Be objective. Hear the comments only and filter out attitude, motive, or perceived hidden agendas.

Do not take things personally. Choose to lower your emotions. Have no hidden agendas. Be open, honest and forthright. Be firm and kind. Firmness shows respect for you; kindness shows respect for the other person. Develop an open mind and a tender heart.

Have no point to prove. Truth is truth is truth, and will stand regardless of counter attacks. A lie is a lie is a lie, and will remain a lie regardless of defenses. A person convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still. Adjust your vision. Binoculars magnify or diminish depending on which end is viewed through.

The problem is not the problem as much as the problem being the way you see the problem. We act on the way we think things are rather than the way they really may be. See the issue as a learning experience. Choose your attitude. Focus on the problem not the personality.

Difficult people are not obstacles to unhappiness, but opportunities for self-improvement. Disagree without being disagreeable. Acknowledge an impasse while continuing to hold the person in high regard. Defuse the issue. Empathize. Distinguish between “feeling” and “thinking”.

Don't Cope. Overcome. Determine the attitude you project in times of conflict. Your position is not relevant to the customer, co-worker or boss. Whether the other person’s mind is opened or not, when you keep a welcoming attitude, it is a pretty sure bet there will be other opportunities for dialog. 　　

Miscommunication

“I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure
you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” Bonnie Libhart

What?

Communication is sharing information with another person in such a way that they understand not only what you say but also what you mean.

We speak in words but think in pictures. When what we say does not match the picture of the one with whom we are speaking, we have a miscommunication.

Example, my grandchildren and I returned from swimming and I asked them to hang their wet suits on the swing. The picture in my mind was the porch swing that we had just passed while entering the house.

Later as I was gathering laundry, there were no swimsuits on the swing.I inquired about the swimsuits; they insisted they were on the swing.

And they were.

They were on the swing they pictured in their minds - the swing set in the yard.

I chuckled as I thought of my friend Bonnie’s amusing transfix of words about how what we say is not always what is heard. If we do not give and or get corresponding pictures, then we have not understood one another.

Sometimes those miss-matched-pictures of miscommunications are humorous, sometimes they are irritating and sometimes they are dangerous.

Perhaps the three most common communications errors are 1) talking too much, 2) listening too little and 3) failure to understand. The failure-to-understand-coin is two-sided; incorrectly assuming we have spoken accurately and thus, equally incorrectly assuming the one to whom we have spoken has heard what we meant to say.

When instructions are given, there is always a speaker and a receiver. Know that things are not always as they seem. Consider the context. Consider your audience (i.e. age, life experiences). Be gracious. Rather than insisting your communication was 100% right on, be willing to see it from the other person’s point of view.

What I say, plus what you hear. What does it equal? What I have said? What you have heard? Neither? Where is the break down? Was it with the receiver? Was it with the sender? Both?

If your message is not getting across, spend time thinking and learning how better to express yourself. If you are not receiving information well, spend time thinking and learning how to seek understanding.

In both instances be patient, gracious and develop empathy. It’s worth the effort.

A good place to start is with St. Francis of Assissi’s prayer:

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, To be understood as to understand, To be loved as to love… ”

Telling Your Story

“God made man because he loves stories.” Elie Wiesel

Everyone has a story and it needs to be told. Everyone has a unique life-experience; honor it. We are all connected –like the threads of a delicate cashmere sweater – and when one strand is broken, the whole is affected. Your family needs your story. You complete them in ways that you, or they, may take years to understand.

My mother kept a diary. Although the entries were scattered, my siblings and I have been blessed by her recorded journey. Through reading her thoughts, we gleaned awareness of her struggles and appreciated her strength. I gained insight into her character that, as a child, I either never noticed or took for granted. Through sharing her experiences, she shared her self.

Someone proclaimed that computerized robots would replace people. Robots are smart enough all right, but only because living, breathing, loving, intelligent human beings programmed their stories into them. Without that unique human element, computers are just blinking cursors.

Abigail Thomas, teacher of memory-writing seminars, says there is no right or wrong way to write your story. One can start at the beginning and continue up until today. Or start at the end and reflect back. Or pick and choose those special moments and compile your own unique book of short stories. She encourages writers to determine their motive for storytelling.

Having identified with Laura Ingles Wilder and Little House on the Prairie, my motive was to relate to our daughter my wonder years. Writing about life on the farm in West Virginia is more non-fiction than autobiography. Although based on facts, the conversations and outcomes may be more fantasy and embellishment than truth.

Ms. Thomas gives her students writing assignments, such as outline a specific ten-year period of your life in two pages. As one writes down choppy outline sentences – Kerrville camping trips, rainstorms in the pop-up, the found kittens - two things begin to transpire. One is that each fragmented idea floods your mind with record-able memories (Mick Collins was delighted the deluge had given us a story to distinguish one camping trip from another), and the other is the ability to pick and choose the most pertinent recollections.

Give pause for your mind to become a story-teller-thinker. Rather than rack your brain for stories to write, use times of routine chores to give your mind free-range wanderings, to think randomly and to casually associate past and present. Hear the sounds around you. Choose to be silent to reacquaint “yourself with yourself”.

Ideas come haphazardly. Keep a pad and pencil handy to jot down your musings. Just write them down without elaboration. Make notes whether they make sense or not, whether they are connected or not. As you go about your daily routine (or while sleeping), your mind – like finding pieces of a puzzle – will begin to stitch these happenings together.

When you sit down to record your stories, your muse will show up. You will begin to see how you got here from there. You will begin to recount how lives are connected and build on each other. You will see clearly and fuzzily, you will laugh and cry, you will discover contradictions and harmonies. You will appreciate all the lives you have lived (and I’m not talking Shirley McClain).

Your children and your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren will thank you. You are one of God’s creations. And you have a great story to tell.

Joys of Journaling

“I began these pages for myself, in order to think out my own particular pattern of           

 living… and since I think best with a pencil in my hand, I started naturally to write.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

 

Thinking with a pencil in hand is an excellent way of knowing yourself. Journaling is a discipline I began in the early 1970’s and it is a luxury I continue to give myself. I journal as a way of “getting it out of my system” so I can interact with people in a more loving, kind, non-threatening, affectionate way.  Reflection on self and others is at the root of integrity. Journaling is a mirror that helps to bring resolve by being more objective; it gives me insight into my actions or reactions.

 

“The trouble with following the crowd is — it’s crowded.”  Infinity Car Commercial

 

Journaling helps brings emotions and thoughts into perspective.  There is something concrete about seeing your thoughts in black and white; it helps bring clarity and meaning, rather than just having them bounce around in your head, “driving you crazy”.  Journaling helps to bring these controlling emotions into control and makes them more manageable.  It gives you an opportunity to see what you do believe and what you want to hold on, or want to discard. 

 

Journaling is a sounding board from you to you.  It like talking to another person, only to one who truly understands what you are saying and who can genuinely help you find solutions.

Journaling helps to express the intensity of your emotions without harming the relationship.  You can express hate without devastating the one hated; or at least the one you hate at the moment. And when you realize the emotion is not really burning hate but a deep frustration, you are more at east being with the offender knowing you have not deliberately wounded him/her. 

 

Journaling is a catharsis that helps clarify in writing what you have difficulty speaking.  It is a self-awareness skill that leads to overcoming.  Journaling helps you to listen to yourself, to seek resolution and perhaps leads to relationship building ways to reconcile with those who have hurt you (or whom you have hurt). 

 

Journaling encourages you to make time for yourself and for spiritual quiet time.  Journaling helps to process deep and raw emotions.  It gives access to levels of understanding that otherwise would have remained elusive.  It leads to the possibilities of writing stories and teaching materials directly from my own wounds, which brings healing to myself and to others.   

 

Not only can journaling help you come to terms with present situations, is a way of keeping a history of your life; recording thoughts, emotions, remembrances of days gone by, special moments with children, mate or friends. It is a way to record experiences you do not want to forget.  It is a way of expressing your life to future generations (should you ever choose to share them). Failure to journal is a waste of wonderful memories.  Go ahead; discover the joys of journaling.



Sharing Information

Communication consists of the giving and receiving of information. We decide whom we are based on how others interact with us. Although humanity seems to focus more on the negative than the positive, I suggest that is not true. In a backwards-crazy-mixed-up way, a judgment against someone is a disconnecting way of wanting that individual to live up to his own potential. 

Have I lost you yet? Stated more plainly: Criticism is an ugly way of making a request.

A child is told, "Do not touch that"; and he touches it anyway.  The study of linguistics suggests the child is not deliberately disobeying. His body reaches for what his emotions want and acts on what his mind heard which was "Touch that." Signals received/sent become our perception that in turn becomes our reality - only it may not be real. 

No wonder we are so complicated. No wonder life is so wonderful (full of wonder).

Watch out for the “boomerang effect”.  Information given may ricochet on you and the one to whom you gripped thinks less of you.  She sees you as being petty. Even if you put on a good act, the gossip (and that’s what it is) shows your true colors.

 

Be compassionate.  All are broken and all have faults. What are your struggles? Be careful lest you attempt to make another measure up to your standards. It’s more about you than him. 

 

Adopt a balcony perspective; step back and really see.  Take yourself out of the middle and allow the conversation to be different. This stance motivates to self-discovery and leads to responding rather than reacting. You shift from authority to stakeholder. 

 

Even when you think you have something constructive to say, make strides to remain silent. It can be difficult to simply be an observer when you interact with those who are not living as we think they should. Hurt, anger and condemnation are a natural response; certainly not open-hearted acceptance. If your comments are met with silence, graciously accept their response as a “do not interfere” position.

 

Speak truth only when done so in love. Real love.  Truth teaches with respect and kindness. Always choose high regard. Being obsessed with others and their problems keeps one a safe distance from working on his own issues.

Please let me hear from you. 

Assertive Living

 

Assertive living is to be positive, confident, and self-assured.  It is to be forceful in a polite manner that shows respects for yourself and to others.  To be assertive is learning to be firm, yet kind.  Firmness shows respect for yourself; kindness shows respect for the other person.  Here are some other characteristics of assertive living:

 

I can express my needs in a clear, non-demanding way.  We all have needs and it is alright to have those needs met as long as they do not impinge on another’s needs.  Assertive living is to use your words to tell or to ask, rather than assuming or demanding. 

 

I can graciously receive a compliment without embarrassment or discounting it.  The confidence and self-assurance of assertive living lets you know you are a person of worth and value and when someone commends an attribute, you humbly say t with equalizing the balance of power.  It is realizing I am a person of worth and value and you are a person of worth and value.  It is learning to create win-win situations. It is solving problems in a manner that is most beneficial and fair to all.

 

I understand others have a right to express their wants, needs, feelings, ideas and desires. Assertive living is not just standing up for yourself and your rights, it is also allowing someone to voice a differing view from yours and  - even though you may disagree with the statement – continue to still hold the person in high regard.   

 

I can enjoy the assertiveness of others without being intimidated.  As the Chinese proverb states, “Behind an able man there are always other able men.”

 

 You will be well on your way to assertive living when you easily incorporate the following phrases into your communication.      

 

“I cannot respond to that right now.”   “I need more information.”   

 “I like...”          “I don’t like....”            “I need….”

 “I need you to…..”                               “I need you to stop…”  

“I feel…”          “I choose to….”          “I choose not to…”

 “Thank you.”   “No thank you.”

 
Try it.  You'll like it. 

Conflicts and Resolution

With so many different personality traits interacting, conflict may seem inevitable. Take heart, it does not have to be permanent. Conflicts can be resolved. Resolve comes from a Latin word meaning “to loosen”. Thus, conflict is solved when we loosen our grip on being right or having it ‘my way’. Make relationship more important than being right.


I define conflict as “having opposing views without grace.” It does not matter with whom the opposing views are (you with you, you with your heritage, you and God, you and another) conflict ceases to be conflict when seasoned with grace.

Conflict happens through unchallenged beliefs. To blindly accept hand-me-down lore as the only viable way closes one’s mind to the wondrous variety of humanity. It is okay to identify with one’s culture, just not to the exclusion of others. Each ethnicity has valid worth.

Everything has a trade off. In all relationships there is give and take for the good of the whole. I could have a fulfilled life without ever playing “Hi-Ho Cheerio” again. Because I love my grandchildren, I lay my preference aside for their benefit. While I may not be excited about the game, I am thoroughly involved in building relationship.

Choose your battles. When you do engage, stick with the issue at hand. Do not ambush with a “stack attack”. Bringing up past transgressions as evidence for present conflict does nothing to solve bring resolution. State your position but have no point to prove. Use “I” statements. Communicate from your view.

Choose your attitude. Never take the position “I am right and you are wrong.” Be open to the fact that you could be wrong. Even if right in facts, could be wrong in attitude. Let your words be seasoned with grace. There is a difference in an answer and a comeback. A comeback engenders strife whereas an answer gives or asks for information.

Take comments seriously, but not personally. Take yourself out of the middle; be objective. Focus on the problem, not the personality. When do you want to know that the boat won’t float? There may be genuine value in the information given. Leave the emotions behind. Listen to the words rather than presumed hidden agenda. If the encounter turns ugly, back off, take the high road by choosing to not be offended.

Participate in the wonderful dance of life. For the sake of relationship, agree to disagree while continuing to hold the person in high regard. Know when to let go. Choose to flow. As my jitterbugging arthritic friend proclaimed, “You can’t be uptight when you’re dancing.”

Leave a comment. mona@solutionprinciples.com

Making Sense of Contradictions

We are complicated individuals filled with contradictions. Anthony Robbins says we have a core need for certainty and uncertainty. And they operate both at the same time!

Our certainty need wants everything to flow along in the same predictable, secure, and comfortable routine. Even if that consistency is a rut. Our uncertainty need craves risk, change, variety and challenges.

No wonder relationships are so complicated. It is difficult enough to come to terms with this yin/yang in us, let alone rectify it with spouse, parents, children, co-workers, etc.

But I believe it can be done. With work. And time. And maturity.

Absolute truth vs. truisms. There are some absolute truths. Absolute truth includes the law of gravity (at least within earth's atmosphere) and the rotation of the earth around the sun with a pattern of day/night and seasons. I suggest intangible absolute truth includes the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20), and that human wretchedness can be traced to the breaking of one or more of those laws.

There are truisms that apply to certain situations but not across the board to everything. This would include "Look before you leap” bookended by "He who hesitates is lost.” There is an element of truth in each. At times one needs to make a decision and go with it, while at other times deeper investigation is needed. What a conundrum.

Happiness is more internal than external. Ultimately happiness is a do-it-yourself job, but there are external contributors. Dr. William Glasser says that all human misery is the result of three things: 1) living under tyranny, 2) living in abject poverty, 3) debilitating sickness or 4) the inability to get along well with those people that are important to us. Although pain is inevitable; misery is optional.

Getting along well with those people that are important to us has a lot to do with locus of control. Namely, whose behavior can you control? The more we are in control of our own behavior - that includes thoughts thought and actions taken and emotions exuded - the less controlling we will be of others.

Conversely, the less we are in control of our own thoughts, actions and emotions; the more one will attempt to control others. This external control over others is attempted through complaining, blaming, guilting, criticizing, nagging, threatening and punishing.

Relationship building - and happiness - comes through supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, forgiving and negotiating.

Here are other contradictions: Acceptance does not mean approval. Forgiveness does not mean things do not need to be settled and rectified. Listening does not mean refraining from speaking. Trusting does not mean being naive.

Bottom line is, each person is unique and special and sees things from differing points of view. They often take opposite routes to come to the same conclusion. The goal in the long run is for harmony.

P.S. Don’t forget to connect with me.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Melding the Past and Present

In the interest of health I have taken to heart the advice to “eat chocolate”. Most afternoons I have two “Dove” morsels. The fragile foil wrapping envelopes not only a silky smooth confection but also terse sayings:
· You should charge for your great advice
· Daydreaming is free
· It’s okay to be fabulous AND flawed
· Chocolate won’t let you down
· You are exactly where you are supposed to be

What!? No, No, No, No, No! By this time in life I am supposed to have done that and been there and have this and…

Do you relate? Relax. Growth happens as it is nourished.

We are complicated individuals living in a complex world. In the vastness of this universe we seven-billion human beings live in community. What one does on this side of the planet affects those on the other side of the globe. Through an invisible cord we are inseparably connected – not only to one another – but also to a Higher Power, to generations past as well as passing the baton to future generations.
So yes, in the grand scheme of things, we really are exactly where we are supposed to be.

According to history books, the belief in Christopher Columbus’s day was that the world was flat? They could not see beyond the horizon of the sea and so assumed that was the end; a drop off into nothingness - or worse. Columbus proved that once you sail so far your vision expands to see and explore unknown horizons.

Check any science book. Our universe is ever expanding. Even with all the modern technology there is no way we can know all there is to know, or imagine the frontiers yet undiscovered.

A recent news article pronounced Einstein as being wrong. It seems that new evidence proves sound travels faster than light. Was Einstein’s theory wrong or was it incomplete? Were Leonardo da Vinci’s wild futuristic drawings wrong or did they need wisdom of a new generation to be implemented?

We are incomplete without each other. How things were seen at the time changes over time.

This concept applies to human relationships also. An embarrassing event later becomes a funny story to regale party goers. Repeated antics of irritating relatives become cherished family history. How much genius would be lost except for traumatic events that forced change? Time softens suffering as it lends itself to different perceptions.

So maybe you really are exactly where you are supposed to be. Lessons of the past become relevant as it is applied today. We retard our own growth through lack of self-love and self-nurture. It’s time to employ yet another “Dove” philosophy: “Take this moment. Enjoy it!”

Get in touch with your humanity – and theirs.

Thank you for your friendship, your business and your continued support. Let’s reach our goals together.

Need vs. Need

We all seek completeness, thus the age-old adage of “opposites attract.” Introvert and extravert are attracted to each other because they see fulfillment in their spouse. Only what attracts initially, can - over time - become the thing that irritates the most.

This frustration arises when one tries to bring the other around to his/her way of seeing, living and enjoying life. The dissatisfaction becomes: “Why can’t you be more like me?” “How can you be so insensitive?” “Why can’t you understand me?” “We can’t communicate.” “He/she doesn’t care!”

Unknowingly it becomes a control issue of trying to get the other person to change. Psychiatrist William Glasser suggests that it is difficult, if not impossible, to have a caring relationship with someone who wants to change or to control you or whom you want to change or to control. It’s a two-way street.

It is always need vs. need. Your need verses his/her need. Your need verses their need, with their being everyone else in the world with whom you interact, individually or collectively.

To prove our completeness, we need to fit in and get along with people important to us. We need to make our own decisions and feel good about the outcome. We need to feel important and to be appreciated for who we are and what we accomplish.
Here’s the rub: So does he/she and so do they, individually and collectively. These are deeply ingrained psychological needs. To disavow them leads to mental issues. And to relationship problems in the home and work force.

Your needs are best dealt with individually and being okay with who you are. This allows more wiggle room to adjust, negotiate and compromise with all those difficult people in your life. He is a people-person, you are a loner. She is gung-ho, you are laid back. They are party animals, you prefer conservative gatherings. He/she is energized by something that drains you. You need close companionship; she/he needs freedom for personal pursuits.

Each of those is okay. Determine where you may need to limit your interaction with those of opposite temperaments while giving them the freedom to be who they are. It is easier to be tolerant in small doses.

Determine where you may need to expand your interaction with those of like-mindedness and being okay with that. No one person can fulfill all your needs; that is why we need others. Make plans accordingly and always keep those dual needs in mind without trying to force, cajole or manipulate them around to your way.

Making a Difference, Having Fun (Part 2)

The routine of daily life affords opportunities to make a difference in your own life as well as in the lives of others and (since everything is connected) in the world. To continue to do so without damage to personal health, relationships and career is to employ an element of fun.

Remember your humanity – and the aspects of your personality.

In eagerness to do great things we can get caught up in the work and forget our humanity. That all work and no play produces stressed individuals and strained relationships. That we are a multi-dimensional being with needs and it is okay to have those needs met. Needs like sleep, family time, worship, community service… Deliberately schedule in down times. Purposely set a no-electronic break. DO take a yearly vacation, preferably without cell phone or e-mails.

In eagerness to prove who we are one often take on too much. “I can do that.” “I can do that.” “I can do that.” In the overload reality sets in; “I cannot do that!” Just because you are good at something does not mean you have to do it. Never say “Yes” just to be liked. It doesn’t work!

Remember that you cannot be all things to all people so give up the stress of trying. Psychologist Carl Jung says that of all the people we meet in a lifetime, 1/3 love us, 1/3 tolerate us and 1/3 loath us. Joyfully adopt the mantra: “Some will. Some won’t. So what? Next! J”

Remember their humanity

Co-workers or family members have viable ideas and legitimate needs. They tire and become stressed. They make mistakes and need compassion. They have an identity and need acknowledgment and respect.

In the movie Patch Adams the training doctor took lowly interns on rounds. With pontification he pointed out maladies and pronounced treatment. To his humiliation (and I trust humbling), Patch gently reminded Doc that “the gall bladder in 202 has a name; Mrs. Smith.”

How easy is it to expect a child to be something the parent is not willing to be; patient, calm, understanding. How easy is it to respond “Again?” to an appeal to restock a local food pantry?

We human beings are more alike than we are different. Find commonality and soften irritants.

Use humor appropriately. If you are going to laugh about it someday, go ahead and make that day today. Be on the lookout for the absurd and find something funny about it. Laugh at yourself and with others. Never make another the bunt of a joke. Eliminate sarcasm.

Life is a gift given to us by God and our parents. What we do with our time on planet earth is a gift given in return. You will not live forever. Pass it on. Be promotable. Leave a legacy.

“Let your vision become larger than yourself, or it will die with you.” - Cleddie Keith

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Playing and Enjoying the Game of Life

Life is sometimes referred to as a game. Do you know of any game that does not have rules? There are do’s and do not’s that govern what happens on the playing field. Rules add to the enjoyment of the game for participant as well as for spectator.

Boundaries contribute to the freedom and enjoyment of the game. When a line is crossed, play stops. Referees watch for fair play and call a foul when one member is hurt or wrongly inhibited. When a player does not adhere to the rules of the game, problems ensue.

Fair play also applies to life. In non-nurturing environments rules are assumed more than stated. Punishment ensues for disobeying. Individuality is disavowed. Confrontation is avoided. The no-rules rule is extremely stressing and no one can effectively live it.

Determine your play before hand. Think through difficult plays and project your response. Be forearmed to defuse the attack.
· “Thank you for your input, I will consider it.”
· “That is not the way I see it.”
· “Because I choose to.”
· “I will not allow you to treat me that way.”
· “I ask you to (be specific).”
· “I believe that is my decision.”
· “The discussion is over.”
· “I choose to not respond to the accusations.”

Speak, then reinforce. Stating once is enough. The offender did not forget your stance s/he is choosing to ignore it. Reinforce with as few words as possible, and do so in a pleasant, yet firm tone. Firmness reinforces respect for you and pleasantness reinforces respect for the offender. Bring a conclusion by politely changing the subject or leaving the room.

Take a break. We are intelligent beings. We are also emotional beings. And when the emotions take over, thinking takes a holiday. The secret to keeping both in founds is breathing. Slow. Deep. Purposely. Deliberately. Allow incoming oxygen to calm the passion and send blood flow to the brain to re-engage rational thinking. Use it for yourself. Gently give it to your companion. Without fanfare, allow him to take a minute to calm down. Do not demand answers. In heightened emotions, we do not have answers anyway; we only have rationalization and justification.

Are you enjoying the game of life? The more we adhere to the rules of fair play, the more fun it becomes. And always, always, be a good sport about fouls. Remember, rules do not hinder the activity or the athlete.