The Power of Self-Evaluation

I am good at teaching, but not always so good at living what I teach -- and that is exactly why I teach. Teaching holds me accountable to what I say and do. I was late-in-life learning a lot of things – like Goal Setting and Planning – but self-evaluating was ingrained in me as a child.

During my West Virginia wonder years we gathered on Sundays at our little circuit-rider United Methodist Church.  Each Communion Sunday the pastor emphasized the sacredness of the sacrament and the value of self-evaluation.  You know, to make sure we were living right; that we weren't harboring any lies, didn’t need to apologize for,  or “lest something worse come upon you.” 

Thankfully, my Aunt Erma explained that self-evaluation is not dumping guilt on yourself, but is taking responsibility for our missteps. If we don’t own up to our part of the problem, then it leads us to stack attack misbehavior that hurts us and others.

The purpose of self-evaluation is to see our self as we really are, so we can either keep on a good path or take corrective steps. It’s all Total Behavior. What we think, what we do, how we feel about our thinking and doing, effects of physiology and our mental health and our sleep, our digestion, our energy level and our relationships and our success and…

In other words, everything within us touches everything about us and everything we do effects everything we do.  To stay whole and healthy, self-evaluation is a discipline I practice daily.

Self-evaluation is tied in with the Ten Axioms of Choice Theory Psychology.

·  #1 states that "The only person whose behavior we can control is our own".  I suppose the inference is that way too often we do not control our self and need to think about the outcome.

·  #2 says "All we can do is give or receive information."  Inference - don't place blame, don't criticize, be nice, use your inside voice, get honest with yourself. 

· #6 states "We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World" (i.e. pics in our head).  Inference: ongoing negative guilting thoughts suggest we're not too satisfied with our life so self-evaluate and make changes. 

A theory is something not yet proven.  When we consider the possibility of a smidgen of reality in Choice Theory, then the practice of the theory becomes real. And we prove to our self, for our self what is or is not effective.  Long term. 

The key word in Self-Evaluation is “Self”. Only it’s not really “self” because we are never alone. We have a great “cloud of witnesses”, whether in that DNA molecule syphoned from a long dead ancestor or the influencing thoughts gleaned from a stranger or the mystical concept of God.

So what are the benefits?

• Challenge you to excellence
• Lessens dependency on the approval of others
• Promotes healthy competition
• Encourages non-judgmental judgment (see Axiom #2) 
• Ask and answer tough questions
• Live in the present 

And all this accumulates into personal empowerment.  You have to experience it for yourself. Enjoy.  

“One breath began the journey of life;

Ambiguous with joys and strife.

What makes one, breaks another;

All of earth’s travels are for us to discover

The value of self, sister and brother.”

Choice Theory Basic Intensive Training, Waco, Texas, Mona Dunkin, CTRTC,LM

254-749-6594 monadunkin@gmail.com  https://wglasser.com/trainings/2019-03/

The Greatest of These Is Love

February’s history is of being a month of love. I trust you receive lots of Valentines and special attention to celebrate the special person you are. You are unique and special and very loveable. Please believe it. Love is complicated.

My sister - in her high school days - was given a homework assignment to define love. She interviewed couples. Their advice ranged from the melancholy - “being able to see through each other and still enjoy the view”, to the cynical -“something sent down from heaven to aggravate the hell out of you.”

Love is complicated.

Which brings us to this article. The greatest of what is love? The Apostle Paul was looking at qualities valued in leaders and parents and ordinary folk like you and me. After a long discourse on being charitable – i.e. loving - he concluded with “And now abides faith, hope, charity, these three, but the greatest of these is charity.” (I Corinthians 13)

It’s all Greek to me. As if love was not complicated enough, we Americans use the word love to express our affection for everything from people to popcorn to places to puzzles to pets. The Greek language has different words for different loving emotions.

“Eros” (cupid) is the romantic love, “Philio” is friendship or brotherly love and “Stoic” is the kind of love for whatever is left over - things, places, activities, chocolate. There is also “Agape” love which is God’s kind. A love that is unconditional, eternal and healing.

Love, passive and active. The Hebrew language has two words for love and both are in the present active tense. “Ahab” is choosing to love from afar with the intent to pursue and to woo. Ahab love is hopeful. “Hessedh” is choosing to love and to keep-on-loving whether received or rejected. Hessedh love is steadfast and eternal.

Faith, hope, love. The Apostle Paul gave a benchmark for us mortals to use to measure our romantic and brotherly love. He said outrageous things such as; “Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not get puffed up or pouty. Love does not always have to have its own way. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.” (I Corinthians 13)
A flip of the coin. In meditating, I like to look at words from all sides. To observe the direct meaning as well as seeing what is inferred. One day in measuring myself by Paul’s love yardstick I noticed two phrases coupled together. “Love is long-suffering and is kind.”

It dawned on me that I had that long-suffering to a fine art. I could roll my eyes and sigh deeply and it was so obvious I was suffering in my patience. But Paul concluded with “and is kind.” Oh no! In my suffering, I was not so kind.

Give me a break. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I said out loud, “Surely You jest! Are You telling me You expect me to be kind to my mother-in-law?!” (Or mate, or child, or boss or neighbor; you fill in the blank. Especially when they….)

Another word for love is “charity”. “Charity” is used instead of “love” in that passage in the King James Bible translation. I like that. I find in some incidents that it is easier to be charitable than it is to be loving. I am learning to be kind to the lovely and the unlovely alike. To overlook bad attitudes and respond in kindness to irritants or rudeness or disrespect.

Charity begins at home. Garland and I married fifty-two ago February 24th. I am humbled by the fact that this guy loves me and keeps on loving me. Opposites attract. Over time, that refreshing opposite way of seeing life from the way you view life becomes stale. Irritating. Wrong. Often opposites attack. Let’s be charitable.

How to be charitable. The hormonal passive love of Eros and Ahab may draw a couple together, but it is the active, on-going, over-and-over choosing to love of Hessedh that keeps a family together. And it is the friendship of Phileo love and the fun-seeking-shared-interests of Stoic love that makes the relationship enjoyable. It grows into the love that “endures all things” – hardships, grief, difficulties – and “believes all things” – sees the good in the midst of the not-so-good. A love that is in it for the long haul. A commitment with no escape clause.

Fifty-two years and counting for me and Garland. It has been quite difficult at times. It has also been a wonderful, magical adventure and the road ahead looks promising. A love that lasts is one rooted in friendship and mutual respect.

It’s a lifetime and counting for genuine Agape love and me. Because I am the willing benefactor of God’s universal blessings and unconditional love, I am able to accept myself as I am and be charitable to others as they are.

Eight Ways to Improve Your Life

Little things mean a lot. In striving to achieve the bigger goal, do not lose sight of today. Go ahead and vie for the corner office, get a college degree, design and build the new home or establish your own company. Here are a few thoughts while doing and getting that will aid in the vital role of being.

Smile Research shows it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, thus is less wrinkle producing. Smiling gives your face a pleasant expression, aids in stress reduction, cultivates acceptance and makes others wonder what you are up to.

Walk it off. Whether it’s fat, fatigue or frustration a walk works wonders. The philosopher Kirkegaard said, “There is no problem in the world so great that it cannot be solved by a brisk walk.”

Family dinner time. At least once a week make it a priority to sit at the table as a family to eat a meal without interruptions from anything technical. Tune in to each other and share positive experiences. Research shows that families who share one meal a day on a consistent basis become aware of eating disorders, substance abuses and behavioral manners before they become major problems.

Read a book. Reading takes you to worlds otherwise inaccessible, allows you to go on adventures only imagined, and introduces you to people, cultures and customs. Reading merely one book a year places you in an elite percent of the world’s population.

Have a weekly no-tech day - including e-mails, i-pods and cell phones. Connect with the music of singing birds, rustling wind and the sound of human voices. Allow your mind to think without mechanical noise vying for your attention. Get in touch with your inner self by disconnecting from the world wide web.

See pictures in the clouds. Get in touch with your inner child and set your imagination free by gazing into the sky and finding wonderful objects. Use your creativity. It is a great way to connect with your children or to converse with a stranger.

Become a positive parent. Be a good finder and commend the child’s correct behaviors. Give specific praise such as “I appreciate the way you shared with Jamie”, rather than the blanket statement of “You’re a good boy.” Specific praise rewards appropriate behavior that sets the child up for repeat positive actions.

Volunteer. A basic human need is to be needed. Expand your horizons by stepping outside your comfort zone and reaching out to others. It is a given that you will receive more than you give.

At the end of life’s journey the haunting question is “Did my life matter?” By regularly incorporating the above suggestions for improvement, the answer displaces the question.

Mess Makers and Care Takers

One of the ironies of life is when neat-nixs and slobs are paired together as life partners, at work or on committees. How do you live/work peaceably with a slob? Here are a few suggestions if you find yourself in that situation.

1. Don’t stuff it state it. Rather than stuff your frustration, state your position in a positive manner and with a pleasant attitude. Use “I” statements and know your reason for complaining. Focus on things that can be changed and do not stack attack. Have a suggestion for resolve in mind before gripping. Be specific and communicate with the person in a way that he/she understands. Be open and honest. Don’t beat around the busy or use illusive innuendoes.

2. Ask for change without demanding change. Even though you may have a resolve suggestion in mind, you cannot control another’s ambition or lack of ambition. Do not respond negatively to negativity.

3.Make suggestions to eliminate, delegate or simplify. To eliminate - box it up, put it in drawers or behind cabinet doors, throw it away, give it away or recycle. To delegate – give it away, ask for help, hire resources, or outsource it. To simplify – reduce the amount of times an activity is done and see how much can be pared off.

4. Everything needs a home. If it doesn’t have a home, it becomes clutter and you cannot organize clutter. A lady come to me out of frustrated with her husband and children because they threw things down and the home was constantly cluttered. After assessing the situation, we purchased a variety of sizes of baskets and organizational items. We labeled the baskets and placed them in strategic locations. A large basket by the den door and a coat-hanger strip became home to sports equipment. Baskets on the kitchen counter became homes for mail, coupons, pens/scissors, keys and pocket change. A basket was placed on the fireplace with each child’s name. As the room became cluttered with shoes, books or toys, the wayward items were temporarily placed in the child’s box for him/her to return to its original home. Even though the husband had previously been a major contributor to the clutter, he told his wife, “I am so glad you did this. All that junk made me nervous.”

But what if they will not cooperate? How do you continue to be nice when things stay messy?

It’s more about you than them. Keep your area neat and do not obsess over their messes. Be more concerned with developing a relationship with the offender and he/she may be more willing to follow your example of organization. I love the Catholic prayer, “For the sake of Your passion, grant us grace.” Grace received is enough for you to become a gracious giver.

“Oh, Lord, You’re Beautiful. Your face is all I seek.

And when your eyes are on this child, your grace bounds to me.” -song

DON'T COPE - OVERCOME: Here is a round-robin for you: We choose the emotions we experience and we experience emotions through the thoughts we think. To change emotions, change thoughts. Just like the front wheels of a car point in the direction we travel and the back wheels automatically and dutifully follow, so too, are our emotions hard-wired to our thoughts. Change your mind and change your emotions.

Who Am I? Who Are My People

Identity is an important aspect of our personality. We proclaim our self to be Caucasian, or Russian, or a City Slicker, or a Methodist, or Rotarian, or – you get the picture. We label each other by ethnicity, geography, religion, politics, associations (clubs, gangs) and a plethora of other venues.

Our identity in some areas is by chance. All of the lineage and circumstances were met for you to be born you. Some is by choice. We look around to see what we think we might like to be like and join those forces.

Our identity shapes us deeply, profoundly, mystically and undeniably. Our identity, as well as what tribe we are associated with, results in healthy or low self-esteem, effective or less effective relationships, acceptance or antagonism of self, community and the world populace as a whole.

Life is simple, only we often make it complicated.

Life simplifies when we choose to incorporate the dissonant fabulous and flawed aspects of our heritage and personality into humble acceptance of ‘this is who I am’. We look at what it is about our self that we can change or control. We ask and answer hard questions. We seek and employ wise counsel, while always being true to the illusive fact that we are each self-determining.

We complicate life when we try to change someone else. We simplify life when we use our influence to – ahem - influence. Gently. We increased influence when we hold all beings in high regard, speak truth in love, act kindly and respond graciously.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com

Do You Love Me?

If you love me, keep my commandments. Jesus

• Love shows itself.
• Feed my sheep.
• Take out the trash.
• Clean up after yourself.
• Be punctual.
• Speak in a respectful manner.

Showing love goes hand-in-hand with the golden rule:

“Treat others the way you would like to be treated.” 

Respect is treating another as though you were the other person. Respect looks different to everyone. You know what respect looks like to your mate (child, boss, neighbor). Give what s/he wants not what you want in a similar situation.

Suppose your favorite dessert is chocolate cake and my favorite dessert is ice cream. Both of these delicacies are at my disposal but I choose to give you ice cream because I like ice cream with no regard to offering you chocolate cake.

One might protest.  “So. What’s wrong with that?”

One might argue that I treated you the way I wanted to be treated.

But did I really? Or did my preference supersede your liking?

I’m not talking about splitting hairs on minor matter; it’s just that little things lead to bigger things. The way we do one thing is the way we do everything. When we get real honest with ourselves, our heart knows what that means even though our mind may play brain-games.

Showing love is being selfless while maintaining a healthy self-love. It is manners dressed up in its Sunday best, even on grungy Friday. It is deliberately giving of respect to the one with irritating qualities.

Emotions are fragile. Love, trust and respect are easily broken and difficult to repair.

Star, our outside cat, loves to spend her days in the storage shed. She has a cozy warm bed to curl up in and a window ledge from which to observe the world. She has food and fresh water at her disposal.

One day a stray cat wandered into her sanctuary and disrespected her territory. She fled. She spent her days hidden in the culvert and nights in the tree top. Our cajoling failed to satisfy Star that her abode was safe.

Frustrated, I said, “Okay, Miss Independence, have it your way.”

Immediately my spirit was checked. It is my own independent spirit that draws me to liking cats! Yes, Lord, teach me to show my love to you by keeping your commandments rather than rebelling or running away hiding or doing it my way.

Eventually Star returned to the storage shed and purrs loudly when we approach.

I’m still working on being secure enough to allow God’s love to give me grace to respect others in keeping with his commandments. It starts and stops with me loving me (or not).

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. www.monadunkin.com mona@monadunkin.com

Reading, Writing and Relationship

“Education is the process in which we discover that learning adds quality to our lives.
Learning must be experienced.” Dr. William Glasser

In honor of the late Andy Griffith, TVLand ran a marathon of The Andy Griffith Shows. In one particular episode Opie and his friends complained about school. Seems their new teacher was making them study boring stuff that nobody would ever use – like history – plus they had to memorize dates and other such foolishness. They could not see how something that happened so long ago could possibly have any relevance to them today.

Sad to say, Andy agreed with Opie. In short time, all the boys disliked school.

Andy saw the error of his counsel and used the power of relationship to restore fun in learning. He told the boys exciting tales of Indian battles, the Boston tea party and the shot that was heard around the world. He spoke of great explorations like the Louisiana Territory and the adventures of the pony express and of wars and of conquests.

Opie and friends (and Barney) listened in eager anticipation. Andy casually mentioned that anyone would learn stories like that and more when they read history. The boys were hooked. They liked – nay loved – history. It became their play. Memorizing dates became a welcomed challenge. Learning was fun.

It’s all about relationship. From the cradle to the grave, a universal human need is to be loved and to belong. No matter the venue - home life, workforce, salesmanship, community involvement, government, law enforcement, or breakthrough sciences like Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it is all about the state or quality of relating.

School is an important part of fun, learning and belonging – a very important part. Teacher Mrs. Crump was so happy to see the turn around in the boys that she referred to Andy as “Svengali”, a person who holds magical sway over another. Andy had turned learning into an experience that increased the boy’s quality of life.

Educators of all types (parents, teachers, coaches, mentors, peers) will have a greater impact on the student’s learning ability through the development of relationship.

Relationship is about being accepted for who we are. It is the feeling of “fitting in” and that we matter. Relationship is the mutual exchange of genuine caring and flow of ideas. Relationship is being esteemed as valuable and that your input counts. Relationship is connecting. Relationship makes for competency in student and teacher.

Building Memories

 

 

“The memories we share today become more magical tomorrow.”

Infinity car commercial

 

Memories evoke scattered pictures of the past – some pleasant, some not so much so. Although memories are emotionally based, they take hold serendipitously; out of those times spent together.   

 

Our memories are selective. My siblings and I are so dissimilar my sister-in-law declares we each must have been reared in different families.  Before death claimed two brothers, the four of us, plus our spouses, gathered together monthly to dine, reminisce and enjoy each other’s company.  Regardless of who shared a memory, there seemed to be four distinct responses to said account:

• One viewed it as a cherished moment, giving grand details and quoting dialog
• One saw it as a source of irritation and was ready to debate the topic or dismiss it
•  Another could not remember the incident at all
•  And yet another remembered it happening but it was no big deal.

 We are masters at constructing the boundaries of our reality. According to Psychiatrists William Glasser, all we can ever receive from our environment is information. Information gets into our brains through a filtering system comprised of our five senses. When information passes us by, it is because it did not merit our filter test as being important. When the information is received it activates a response of pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. 

 

Memories come to bear in random fashion activated by current information received by one or more of our five senses. When I walked into Mrs. Mathias’s dining room of cherry mahogany, I was instantly transported back to my wonder years of Sunday dinners at grandmother’s huge table.  Since memories are random events set in motion through sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, I have chosen not to organize my collection of pictures and memorabilia but to view them unsystematically.   

 

The teaching that life is an illusion is a mystical principle. We can lose our power by believing something is “real” or “unreal” when, in fact, it is one’s perception of the matter. Be careful about programmed memorable times together so they do not become too stressful. When tension is there to force making a pleasant memory, it may backfire.

Although we are complicated individuals, truth be told, life is simple. It is about enjoying the moment and one another. Now that is a memory builder. (9/23/12 388)

 

Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com  

 

Making a Differencee, Having Fun (Part 1)

“The Tipping Point” author Malcolm Gladwell points out how little things can make a big difference and this difference can literally tip the scales in your favor. A lot of people make a difference, but lose having fun in the process.

When asked, “What do you do for fun?” I am often saddened by replies of: “I am too busy. I do not have time for fun.” The lack of fun indicates their stress level. It also portends currently or future mental and/or health problems.

Here are two points in my list of how to make a difference while retaining your humanity and having fun in the process.

Watch out for the “Savior” complex. Our basic need for purpose is fulfilled through work and service. Each individual is equipped with talents that will bless your corner of the world and is compelled to bring it into reality. Driven people strive to do as much as possible – accomplish a lot – at great cost to themselves and to their families. And lose fun in the process.

There is a big difference in being driven and having a calling. Called people joyfully do what is set before them and in keeping with their own gifts, talents, innate desires and available resources (including time).

Jesus said, “The poor you will always have with you.” He also said, “It is finished.” Oh, surely you jest! But there is still hungry people to feed, sick ones to heal, wars to end, and on and on. Jesus said, “I have accomplished what the Father gave me to do.” While Jesus, whom many believe to be the Savior, was in human form, he refused to take on “the savior complex”. Do you have task to do? Yes, most definitely. Just do what has been given to you and do not take on too much.

Carry the message, not the person. We are each self-determining. I teach Life Skills at a correction facility where the residents are forced to attend. A brooding man declared, “I don’t think you can fix my problems!”

I agreed with him. “You are right. I cannot. I am not the answer man. All I can do is give you information, what you do with it is entirely up to you. All I can do is help you to see things in a different light. You can ignore it. You can rebel against it. You can receive it and act upon it. I can ask you to change, but I will not demand that you change. My experience is that demanding adds fuel to rebellion. In my experience, demanding is less effective than asking and then giving you room to grow.”

If I give you information, I have added to your knowledge.
If I cause you to think, I have added to your stature.

Someone came to me so I could “fix him”. I replied, “Don’t hang your hopes on me.” It is my goal to help people grow through self-evaluation that brings internal change.

Because I carry the message and not the person, when the individual continues in his self-destructive ways, I am sad for him but I am not devastated. Also, when the person begins to change for the positive, I rejoice with her, but do not take the credit. I may have given the travel schedule, but the individual is the one who bought the ticket and got on the bus.

P.S. Don't forget to connect with me.

Becoming Whole

Everyone searches for identity, purpose, satisfaction and significance. We long for love, self-worth, meaning, fulfillment and happiness. We often come up short.

Life must be lived to be realized. Wholeness does not take place in a vacuum. Inner wholeness is expressed through relationships, work ethics, love and commitment. By God’s design, we were placed in community to rid us of the illusion that we are self-sufficient.

Only separate beings can engage in healthy relationships with family, friends, career, community responsibilities and civic duties. Whole individuals interact without becoming enmeshed. Without individuation, true relationship does not happen.

Take yourself out of the middle. Someone cannot put you in the middle of a situation without your consent. And no one can keep you from taking yourself out of the middle. Unless you are a trained negotiator that can analyze sides with impartial unemotional perspective, remove yourself from this middle position immediately. Minimizing your role in the drama.

Realize that you are neither the rescuer nor the protector. Yes feelings may be hurt. Yes blame may be placed on you. Interfere (i.e. justification and rationalization) keeps negative energy going and delays rational thinking that can resolve misunderstandings. A recovering client remarked: “Who knew that I needed to learn to say ‘NO’?”

Scarred yet whole. On a nature walk I found a pretty white rock. It looked as though a mower thrashed it, knocking out pieces. Even though it was scarred, it was pretty. The broken places showed its inner beauty and solid structure. I made the parallel to life issues. Although scarred, the individual has inner beauty; brokenness reveals inner substance and character.

Substance not stuff. When you do not need “stuff” or externals to prove your value, you shift to “I am enough.” This insight gives way to being thoughtful of self and others. As you respect yourself, you generate respect for you in others.

Emotions denied. Emotions can be so strong the only way to handle them is through denial. Denial is refusing to acknowledge facts. Think back on a hurtful situation and observe it from a place of detachment. See the offense from a place of disengagement. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to. Observe and let go. When we come to terms with truth – the good, the bad and the ugly – we are well on the way to wholeness.

Give serious thought to ways in which you may be your own worst enemy. Are your actions bringing relationships closer and more meaningful? Examine your attitude see if is the path of happiness and success or unhappiness and failure. Practice these suggestions first with those you are not so emotionally attached. As you become comfortable with your newfound behavior and attitude, begin dealing with family members in your new assertiveness

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her mona@monadunkin.com

Conflicting Emotions

The need to know that our life matters is a need that cannot be denied. Each person is wonderful, special and important. One life is worth no more or no less than another.

Still, there remain two problems:

1) Thinking you are somebody (over self-confidence is a liability).

2) Thinking you are nobody (God does not make junk).


Each person is unique and special. Every human being has infinite worth and value by the simple fact of being created in God’s image. Beliefs are important because a person behaves the way s/he believes. Conflicting emotions produce conflicting behaviors. The belief that one does not matter (or matter too much) acts out by cheating, stealing, over-indulgences, addictions, perversions and inhumane acts.

Attitude plays a part. Perhaps nothing shapes our destiny more than the attitude we possess. It seems that low esteem, neediness and a negative attitude hang out together. A person with low esteem becomes his own worst enemy and then projects others to be against him. Get honest with self and ask, “Is the attitude I project helping me or hurting me?” “How is it helping?” “How is it hurting?” “What is my attitude doing to the important relationships in my life?”

Perception is important. One’s perception is his/her reality whether it is truth or not. My aim is to help people honestly explore their definition of what works. It is to help one self-evaluate to see if his behavior is in keeping with his core values. And if not, to be given tools to make changes. Each individual must come to that personal determination. When we encounter opposing ideas that engender anger within, I suggest our conscious trying to get us to wake up.

Destiny is shaped by choices made and all have consequences - good or bad. Behavior is purposeful and is our best attempt – at the moment – to get a need met. So the question is not “Will we get the need met?”, but “How will it be met?” and “What will be the outcome?”

Awareness is a key element in making positive change. We are a work in progress and will be under construction until the day we die. Continue to learn and to grow and to overcome. Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Allow difficulties to be your tutor to learn life lessons.

Get to know you. Spent time in serious personal reflection to discover the wonderful person you are. You will find a unique human being with purpose and significance. Through meditation, be enabled to be freed from false macho or crippling shyness and become comfortable in one’s own skin. Search your heart and mind so the substance of who you are can be revealed to you. Esteem, wisdom, love, creativity, peace and joy are ours for the mining.

Everyone has an inner chamber into which s/he can retreat at will. It is a sanctuary free from daily cares, free from judgment, free from agitation, change and turmoil. It is a place where your senses can rest, where you are regenerated and recreated. The longer one stays in the secret place, the better equipped to handle the public life of the difficult. Life becomes congruent.

Now it's your turn. Share with us the ways you handle conflicting emotions, or ask for specific help in a specific area.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

The Tension of Boundaries

Life is filled with tension; ask any self-willed child. The tension lies between what one wants to do and what is not prudent for one to do. Many times the tension is between timidity and courage. In order to establish boundaries in a difficult relationship, one must first determine his/her limits. And second, think through your approach. Here are some thoughts.

They are limits to what one can enforce. For instance, you can request another to reframe from using vulgar language (at least in your presence) or you can choose to walk away if the petition is not honored, but you cannot make the person cleanup his foul mouth. Although constraint can be feigned, change has to be a personal choice.

Timing is important. Speak with an offended person when his emotions are not guarded. Explain that you need to express how you feel in hopes of deeper understanding on both sides. Emphasize this is an observation, not an attack. The underlying emotion behind being defensive is a fear of loss; the loss of your respect, your concern, your love. Lack of giving meaningful feedback is the fear of being seen as critical or rude; also the fear of being wrong.

Do not back down from the consequences. Be forewarned that whether adhered to or balked at, the request may create added tension in the relationship. The resolution depends a great deal on your on-going attitude in further interaction with the individual. Do not back down and do not allow yourself to be less than who you are. Diminishing self gives another undue power over you. And both lose.

Do not hint around or pout. When you have something on your mind please say it.
Monitor your attitude to be matter-of-fact rather than condemning. Keep the lines of communication open by allowing feedback. Rephrase the comment to be sure you have understood the issue correctly. When respect and trust are missing in relationship resentment quickly moves in.

Give room to grow. To the person who assures you that everything is “Okay”, it is not your job to cajole him out of a snit. Give him alone time to work through his own issues. In future encounters say “Are you concerned about something?” If he is not receptive, disengage with the probe.

The beauty of establishing your limits is that your demeanor precedes you so that new encounters will sense and honor your principles. Should one broach your limits, your quick-and-firm-yet-kind response will evoke an apology and light stepping.

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Challenge Your Beliefs

Everyone has something that represents the center of his being – a career, a relationship, a dream, a concept – and that something determines his priorities and attitudes.

Concepts become a part of your life only through agreement, and once you agree, you believe. Once you believe, you act in keeping with the belief. Your beliefs become who you are. Sometimes the concept agreed to is not truth, and the things believed are faulty and the values adopted are in opposition to the freedom sought.

A person will believe what he believes until he believes something different. The values you have been taught influence who you are. The values you choose to ascribe to determine whom you become. We are not static individuals. We have been given a mind with which to reason and a free will with which to make choices. When we see the validly for change, we can make new agreements.

For example, suppose a person is taught that “plaid” people are not to be trusted, and he agrees because he values the culture that taught him this concept. When he agrees that plaid people are unreliable then his actions follow suit, and he shunned them. In time he encounters plaid people at work, in the neighborhood and at civic events. This continued exposure would either affirm or disavow his belief about plaid people. If the concept holds true, he is a much happier man for he has discovered truth. But, if the original concept proves to be faulty, value conflicts arise and he becomes an increasingly unhappy and angry man, even though he may hold on to the negative belief about plaid people.

I encourage people to challenge their beliefs. If you challenge what you believe and it begins to crumble, then you are in a position to look for truth. If you challenge the belief and it holds true, you become a stronger and more settled person. Warning: If your challenged conception proves to be genuine, allow that truth to motivate you toward compassion for the one still deceived, rather than being judgmental.

We, as fellow human beings, are more alike than we are different. Ethics cannot be legislated, however, there are universal laws of human conduct, and to violate them brings choas. There is a wide spectrum of what constitutes value, there also are standards that people around the world, and that all major religions, adhere to. Webster’s Dictionary defines conscious as, “as inner knowing of right from wrong, with a compulsion to do right.” Psychiatrist Carl Jung calls it “the collective unconscious,” meaning an inner knowing whether you heed it or not.

If your life becoming more glorious? Are all your important relationships becoming more loving? Is every aspect of your success more enjoyable? Is your overall well-being becoming healthier? Is your sleep sweet? If the answer to any of these is questionable, perhaps it is time to challenge your beliefs. Listen to the still small voice inside, and heed it.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

What is Love Anyway?

Love is one of those words we use loosely. “Love” describes an emotional attachment to anything including people, pets, and pasta. Author Julie Motz says, “love is the feeling that flows out from you – once you know who you are – to connect you to other people.”

A healthy self-love is paramount for happiness in life and for any lasting relationship. The Bible tells us to love others as we love ourselves. This passage seems to indicate that we started life with a healthy self-love. What happened?

Do not confuse a healthy self-love with an over-inflated ego. Human nature being what it is, self-love can become distorted, which, in turn can damage others and us. There is something inside the psyche that says, “I am special. I have infinite worth and value. My looks are okay. I have dreams that are noble. I am capable of great accomplishments.” What I hear from others, even those who love me, is “Who do you think you are anyway?” “What are you trying to prove?” “If only you would…”

What I know is at war with what I hear, and it confuses my thinking. It may cause one to think, “I am a nobody. I am not worth it. I am nothing.” This confusion leads to try to prove how loveable one is and often into the trap of trying to be all things to all people.

Accept the “package deal” of you and be freed to work on attitudes and behaviors that might possibly be the real culprits of why you are not successful in life and relationships. To humbly say, “Yes, I am a pretty wonderful person” is to become precisely the person you were meant to be – YOU! It is to become real.

Love is a choice more than a feeling. Although hormones aid romantic love and the initial euphoria may draw two people together, that is not what keeps a couple together. Love releases us and sets us free to be all we were created to be; it does not bind or constrain us. Genuine love has such a healthy self-image that is not threatened by the other person being who he/she is.

Love is multipliable; it is not divisible. We may have the mistaken idea that there is only so much love to go around and must be parceled out sparingly. Thus, once-important relationships take a backseat as love is divided among new friends. In blended families, much jealousy arises because Mom or Dad may be seen as dividing their love with each other or with the other children. That is not the way love works. Love is multipliable. The more you love, the more you are able to love

Time is divisible; it is not multipliable. Because love is often equated with time spent together, busy schedules can put a major damper on good relationships. For the love of your family, cut back on too many outside interests or other busy activities. Make time, don’t find it, and see how your love life flourishes.

One never outgrows the need for love, and it is never too late to learn how to give and receive it.
Start with receiving God's unconditional love.

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Becoming Balanced

A new year filled with new possibilities lends itself to seeking the age-old dilemma of becoming balanced; how to find it and how to keep it. The truth is, there is no magic formula of 8 hours work, 8 hours sleep, 4 hours family time, 4 hours personal time, etc. As much as one might like neatly pocketed time slots and agendas, the real world does not work that way.

The way we see our outer world is a symptom of what is going on inside. Evaluate: What do you feel deprived of? What is your level of appreciation for the ordinary? How is your life out of sync? What are you really searching for? What expectations are too high or too low?

How to walk a tight wire. Like a trapeze artist or a bicycle rider, balance knows when to lean left or right - and how much - while continuing to move forward. With a little lean, you adjust and regain equilibrium. If you over-correct and crash, get back in the game with a renewed commitment to balance.

Do not allow work to control you. The just-one-more-thing syndrome will keep you bound to work; often at the sacrifice of family and health. Do not allow the seduction of ambition to distract you from what is truly important.

How do you eat an elephant? An elephant is too big to be consumed in one setting. Not only is it to be eaten “one bite at a time”, but also with lapses for processing, digesting and elimination. The large carcass may need to be shared with others and some may need to be frozen for another time.

Do not expect easy. Most tasks have a learning curve, so give yourself room to grow. This goes for relationships also. Give you room to grow. Give them room to grow. Make the focus and intention on growing together, not apart.

Make routine your friend. Author Michael Gerber says “the solution is in the system”. A well-reviewed accounting system keeps the books in balance. A well-planned and executed schedule keeps life in flow. Continually reviewed priorities keep first-things-first. A running list of to-do’s keep you on track and the joy of marking off a task add to the feeling of accomplishment. .

If you assign the same priority to everything then you feel overwhelmed. Balance is making plans in keeping with your priorities and adjusting along the way. Balance is doing what needs to be done within an acceptable time frame. A key factor is to know what to focus on and when.


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For Auld Lang Syne

New Years celebrations. One has probably attempted to sing Auld Lang Syne even if not knowing the words or the meaning. Basically, the song is an encouragement to remember – nay – to rekindle long ago relationships. The melancholy tune draws us into the sentimental moment. But it takes more than sentiment to prepare one’s heart to mend the past.

Life is fraught with misunderstandings. The details are less important than the resulting consequences. Once we settle into satisfying way to meet a need, it becomes difficult to change. When seen as “her/his fault”, then you think she needs to change. When one sees self as being right, he crosses the line into being the one who makes the offender change. When you demand someone to change to please you, the line is crossed into controlling. And the relationship suffers. Becomes fragmented. Strained.

Close yet far. The song speaks of once scaling mountains together and picking daisies, but now are distant weary travelers. Relationship tension knows no bounds. You can be close in proximity yet remote. Conversely, you can be thousands of miles apart, yet hold the offender in close disdain. Even death does not remove the discord.

God I’ve got a problem: It’s me. When I have been at odds with people, marriage, work or churches, God's all-encompassing wisdom to me has been: "Go and I will bless you. Stay and I will bless you. Go and you will have problems. Stay and you will have problems."

I take this to mean that I am a part of the problem as well as a part of the solution. But it takes work from all involved for there to be an amiable solution. Unfortunately, too many seek quick answers from their individual point of view.

Life is fair; whether we agree or not. There is a Master bookkeeper. Ultimately, whatever you plant, on purpose or by default, is what you receive.

Do it for kindness sake. “And there’s a hand my trusty friend! And give us a hand o’ thine! …We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.” For days of long ago. Be the initiator. Choose to forgive and extend compassion. Whether received or not, it will set you free. It allows you, as well as the departed, to rest in peace.

As you let go of pain or grudges you are elevated to new heights. You can enter the new-year with thoughtful benevolence for days of long ago and anticipation of today and the future. (Auld Lang Syne, Robert Burns’ Scotts version of James Watson’s poem, 1711)

The Perpetual Problem

“OMG! The whole world has gone crazy? Everyone is out of step except me and you and I’m not so sure about you.” Do you identify?

The world in which we live is huge and diverse even though technology is shrinking the distance and empowering earth’s citizens. Increasing interaction intensifies awareness of cultural commonalities and differences, thus increased tension along cultural fault-lines. The result is a perpetual love/hate relationship.

What is culture and how is it determined? How are beliefs about culture formed? Ones beliefs, behaviors, values and attitudes were originally shaped by parents or teachers or those who were important to us. We accepted them without question. We identified. This lifestyle is passed from one generation to another and impacts character in predictable ways.

Unfortunately, for every group in the world, there exists at least one offensive, derogatory word meant to belittle. Just ask Archie Bunker.

Perhaps this is born out of fear.

Human nature has a tendency to be against the unfamiliar. Either side of the color-blind issue lends to our crazy world in damaging ways. Lumping individual factions into group identity is a gross over-simplification. Failure to recognize, appreciate and honor differences is a human injustice. Both over looks the uniqueness of the individual.

Who we are - or who we think we are at the moment - is reflected by identifiers such as manner of dress (dapper or saggin’), cuisine favored, housing style chosen and lifestyle embraced. How does one become more embracing of diversity?

Change in any area comes through something that tweaks our perception. That something is broad and can be major or minor. Here are thoughts to consider.

• Individuals are personally accountable for what they believe and corresponding actions.
• Life is about relationships. The relationship of one individual interacting with other individuals, either one-on-one or in a group of individuals.
• Acknowledge the possibility of the individual (self-included) being unduly influenced by social forces (i.e. laws, employment practices, social segregation).
• Blanket coverage for solutions engenders the perpetual problem (zero tolerance).
• Change comes one mind and one heart at a time.
• Culture/race matters significantly. None are exempt.
• Graciously speak up, one person, one situation at a time. You never know who you may influence to question their current perception.
• We are all fellow strugglers.

I have more questions than insights (and no answers). Answers denotes being right; insight gives lee-way to wisdom and compassion.

What is accepted today or even seen as honorable is subject to change with time, knowledge, experience and relationships. As the humanity of each individual is valued, the perpetual problem is less persistent.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Letting Go of Stress

Just let go of stress! Yeah, right!

We think in picture. Visualizing an image makes the transfer from a thought to a reality somewhat easier. It is like having a light bulb go off in the brain. Picture a trapeze artist swinging from pole to pole, readying to make one precarious mid-space maneuver. He/she must release one reality (the pole), make a swift unsupported 360 degree turn and grasp a solid handhold (the other pole). With training, the tactic is handled with grace and facility.

Determine what is neutral. No matter how much you may protest, the signal light did not turn red just to ruin your day. The signal light is a neutral devise set on a timer, blinking green, yellow, red - over and over, day-in, day-out, regardless if the driver is harried or relaxed. How might you be more relaxed if you choose to view inconveniences as simply that and not as a personal affront. How might your relationships improve if you choose to see all encounters as neutral – a mere request for information, a simple comment on your performance, or an appeal for your help?

Practice makes permanent. Practice makes perfect only if you are practicing correctly. Choose to mentally rehearse phrases that put you in effective control. Phrases such as “This too shall pass”, “I will take the high road”, or “I will not be ruled by my emotions.” Make visual notes to self that will keep your new-found tension releases at the forefront of your mind. Think: we are always practicing; do you want your responses to be perfunctory or perfecting?

Practice marks improvement. There is a learning curve to every worthwhile endeavor. Imagine a stressful situation occurring again, only this time you are more prepared: You are early instead of late; relaxed instead of rushed; rested instead of cranky. You have given mental thought to strategy and worked through possible problems to find solutions. You are pro-active rather than reactive.

See the big picture. Erica Black’s mother was diagnosed with cancer and given a short time to live. Erica came to terms with everyday life and what is really important. She looked at all the things she should be doing and willingly put them on the back burner. She said, “We’re going to be with Mom. It’s just knowing what needs to be done at that moment instead of stressing out about being here or there.” Keeping Balance, Wacoan Dec. 09, www.wacoan.com

Pressure vs. anxiety. Know the difference. Although there are demands on one’s time, the truth remains that if you do not set your schedule, then someone else will set it for you. In accepting life’s responsibilities, do not turn duty into drudgery. Have a willingness to do whatever you agree to do, even if it was thrust upon you. Make it your choice and set yourself up to receive creative ideas.

Make it fun. Remember learning to ride a bicycle? You would fall, skin your knee and get back on again. It was the challenge that kept you going and you found it fun in the process. Accept the dare to see something humorous and self-improving in every stressful situation. Philosopher Brian Johnson encourages us to “eat stress like an Energy Bar”.

My friend, Linda Austin, proclaims “I don’t do stress.” Unfortunately, I am not there yet, but getting closer every day. Join me in letting go of stress.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Epiphany

In the Christian faith, epiphany is a term used to mark the arrival of the Magi in their search for the Christ child. Epiphany has expanded to mean a sudden realization or deep understanding brought about through ordinary circumstances that made a profound change in an individual’s life. Here are three epiphanies in my life.

Beauty is more internal than external. I struggled with self-esteem issues for years. I had the mistaken idea that if only my weight was less and I was shorter than my 5’6” height and if my nose was a different shape then magically all my problems would be over. I erroneously reasoned that I would be little and cute and everybody would like me.

An individual came into my life that was overweight, tall and with less than perfect facial features. She was loving and kind and funny and people were drawn to her. It dawned on me that there may be reasons to dislike a person, but the package is not one of them. If people did not like me, it had to be something more than looks. And, if someone did not like me because of my weight or looks, who really owned the problem.

Peace came through recognition that I could not “add one cubit to my stature” (or take away) and calm reigned with thankfulness that my nose worked okay regardless of its size. Silence descended with the realization that weight management was in my power with the exercise of self-discipline. I began to work on things that were within my control, like letting go of the chip on my shoulder.

The result has been a humble acceptance of me with continued focus on character development. My healthy self-esteem has grown into a high regard for all humanity.

Vows are not to be taken lightly. I hate to admit this, but I went into marriage with an escape clause in the back of my mind. From divorce statistics, that seems to be the irrational reasoning of society today. Through contemplation of separation I became aware of the sacredness of vows I had made before God and man. The wedding covenant is necessary because we are not capable of loving a flawed individual, (at least not for a sustainable amount of time) therefore the need for public and spiritual accountability. Instead of looking for ways out, I began to pray for grace to stay. And God’s grace is sufficient. It has been forty-two years and these two flawed individuals are still together. I am glad that we each have made the work-through-it-commitment again and again. It is imperative to fall in love again and again with the same person.

It is relationship, not religion. From childhood I have been tender toward the things of God. Even though teenage rebellion drove me in other directions, the wooing of Holy Spirit never let up – sometimes to my defiant anger. I relented and tried again and again to be godly, always messing up. In a downtime, a knowing although non-audible still small voice spoke into my conscious: “Mona, stop trying so hard. Quit trying to make me Lord and Master. Just let me be your friend.”

I needed a friend. My response was a subdued nodding of my head and a faint whisper of “Okay.” Rockets did not zoom and bells did not go off, but there was a definite change in my life from that day forward. I allowed Jesus to be my friend. It is a friend relationship that continues to grow, allowing me to be accepting of myself and compassionately charitable with a universe filled with other flawed human beings.

None of these transformations were instant but each gave enough light to foster permanent growth. Another meaning of epiphany is “a manifestation of a divine being.” The Magi were searching for solutions in a promised ruler king and were humbled to encounter the author of authority revealed in a vulnerable baby.

The peace and life-changes I have encountered, and continue to chance upon, are brought about through my search for the Christ child – born, died and resurrected. The guiding star is still shining. Follow it and receive.

Fall Renewal

I love fall. Football games and frost in the air. Changing colors, festivals and cooler days. Even though it is preparation for winter, after a long hot summer, it is a great time for renewal. At the beginning of the year, goal setting is a big focus. As the year is winding down now is good time to review those commitments. It is not too late to make those dreams a reality. Here are some thought for the completion.

Continually re-evaluate. Maria Bartiromo is the voice of CNBC’s Closing Bell and a regular contributor to The Reader’s Digest. She says, “I constantly prioritize and reprioritize my daily schedule, which is broken into 10-minute intervals (emphasis mine). This exercise reminds me what’s important and what I still have left to do.”

Reprioritizes every ten minutes! That seems extreme to me. But then maybe I want to put a negative spin on those disciplines I am not willing to do. To make your 2009 goals a reality, first things must come first. Always.

Disturb the undisturbed. In January I mentioned my long-term strategy to de-clutter. I affixed markers that would indicate non-use, such as clothes hangers turned backward, safety pins attached to linens, post-it notes in files and duct tape reminders on select items. The goal was that if the marker was undisturbed after a set season, it indicated the item was no longer a viable space taker. I am boxing and pricing for an end-of-the month garage sale. What do you need to get rid of to free your energy field for productivity?

Be the best you possible. Within reason, go with you personal style. If your organization is piles of files, at least label and put in alphabetical ordered for easy retrieval. If you go for piles of piles, use decorative container as storage. Have a neat mess. A pleasant workspace pays great psychological dividends. When things are scattered it is messy; when in place it is neat and easily accessible that contributes to accomplishment.

Get emotionally honest. Are there things on your goals chart that you keep thinking about yet fail to do anything to bring it into fruition? And then you feel guilty about not doing it? There is true guilt and false guilt. True guilt is when you have harmed someone for your own selfish gain. False guilt is the failure to live up to expectations. Maybe it is time to determine what “I don’t intend to do” and remove the self-imposed drain.

Determine what you have done and feel good about it. In the fall of 2006 I lamented to my daughter of still unaccomplished yearly goals. She lovingly said, “But Mom, you really have done a lot.” And she was right. I had published my first book and was learning about Internet marketing. What a welcome relief that much had been completed and was acknowledged. With renewed vigor I embraced that winning feeling and preceded full steam ahead. Whether another notices or not, look at what all you really have done and embrace that feeling of accomplishment.

The holiday season is upon us: a time for family, friends and fun; a time to reflect on what is really important; a time to release old hurts and find humor in idiocy; a time of project completion and spiritual renewal. Enjoy.


We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.” Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. 30