Self Care

It is more important that you take care of you than that you take care of them. Does that sound selfish? Done in the right spirit, it is the first step toward selflessness. You cannot give out of an empty basket. A hungry man is unable to feed another. A full chef delights in serving.

Decay or grow. Our bodies are built to move. Movement stimulates cell growth. Reduced movement results in cell atrophy. A lethargic lifestyle causes the body to waste away. Decay. The body is a good servant in that it responds as gracefully as possible to the treatment we give it.

Endless recycle program. Our bodies consist of trillions of cells. They continually die off and are replaced. Bones dissolve and regenerate. High school health class taught that we have a completely new body ever seven years. But it is in increments, like 1% a day. What determines the quality of replacement? Whether the replacement quality is high or inferior depends on the lifestyle choices we make every day. Stronger or weaker cells? Our choice.

Intentional care. Remember the airline instructions? In case of emergency, you place the air bag on you first before helping the child, elderly, infirmed or others. Be intentional about your nutrition, your rest and your needs so that you are in optimum condition - mentally and physically - to help others.

Emotions play a big part. Human beings are composed of molecules therefore everything affects our molecular structure. Destructive emotions such as anger, hate, stress and loneliness send a “decay” message to the cells. These long-held emotions lead to chronic pain. Even though the angry person may be wishing ill on another he is issuing his own death warrant.

Conversely, positive emotions such as optimism, love, compassion and community promote strength, thus healthy molecules. Not only does the molecular body benefit, but also one’s mind, heart, spirit and social life.

Handling the day-to-day stresses of life begins with self-care. Start with quality quiet time. What if it really does work?

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach.

When Reality Sets In

While reading to my granddaughter she suddenly exclaimed, “Nana, you have something on your face.” She said it looked like pencil marks between my eyebrows.

After unsuccessful attempts to wipe it off, I looked in the mirror. It was not pencil marks. It was wrinkles. Deep ones.

Long ago I came to peaceful terms with the reality of death. I know that each of us has been allotted only so many days on this earth, I guess I just never expected to look like I was aging.
Since the announcement of those first wrinkles, others have joined the ranks. I’m okay with that and gracefully settle into being a senior adult.

The way one perceives life becomes his reality – only it may not actually be real. The reality is that all of us alive at this moment are aging and have benchmarks to verify it. That does not discount one’s viability as a human being with infinite worth and value.

A current mantra is “Fifty is the new thirty.” Does that mean that thirty is the new ten?

On the front of a birthday card was the question: “What is the difference in a 40-year-old and a 4- year-old?” Answer: “The 4-year-old wants to grow up.” Is this inferring that a 40-plus often remains childish by adopting the immature foot-stomping stance of Peter Pan?

Is our society so obsessed with youth, that, despite advancing years, the population convinces itself that aging is bad? Wisdom does not necessarily come with advancing years. Humility is acceptance of one’s humanness including positives and negatives, strengths and limitations, abilities and diminishing facilities. I suggest humility and wisdom are akin.

Wisdom comes when we release childhood misconceptions for adult realities. Life does not stand still. We are growing or dying, enlarging or shrinking, maturing or reverting to juvenile behavior. To resist changing makes growth difficult, if not impossible.

How freeing to embrace another tomorrow with anticipation of acquired wisdom. Live life so the spirit stays young. Take care of the package and embrace the reality of aging.

Once, on CBS’s Sunday Morning, Anthony Mason talked with rocker Tom Petty about his many accomplishments, life and the future. Mason mentioned Petty’s apparent ease with the encroachment of the Big 6-0 birthday. Tom Petty accepts the reality of aging with his philosophy of: “If you’re not getting older, you’re dead.”

Good insight. Let us live while we are alive, wrinkles and all.

Need a speaker? For all your training needs think of Mona Dunkin and Solution Principles. 254-749-6594 or monadunkin@gmail.com

Emotional Health

Emotions, can you trust them?

Emotions are fleeting, fickle and often false. Emotions are based on perception. Whether or not we can trust our emotions has to do with our emotional health. Prolonged invalidation, rejection, criticism and angry responses wear on one’s emotional health, making it raw and hyper-sensitive. Here are a few suggestions to promote emotional healing.

Take a stand. Use “I” statements and speak only from your perspective or to address your personal need. When a person expresses her choices, insights or feelings, it is the individual speaking and the matter can be settled.

Be emotionally honest. When true feelings are pushed aside, unresolved issues take over and seize a club to set matters straight. If another does not approve of your choice, so be it; do not feel guilty or anxious. Summons the courage to stay your ground and allow him to remain in his mood while you go on about your business. Stick to your boundaries and do not make an issue of the opposition. It is not your job to get the dissenter out of a snit; that is a task every individual must do for herself.

Recognize your own issues. Do not isolate or bottle up. Do not allow yourself to be sucked into another’s problems. Although we can work in partnership, still each must hoe his own row in life.

Respond, rather than react. The rawer the emotions, the quicker to judge response as negative. Reacting is negative. Dynamite must have a ‘reactor’ for it to go off, and the shorter the fuse, the quicker the explosion. Reacting is taking comments as a personal affront. Reacting is belittling the offender. It takes emotional health to respond rather than react. Responding is seeing the situation at face value. Responding is choosing to regard the offender as a person of worth and value. Responding paves the way for resolution.

Self-Evaluate. Several times during the day, stop and evaluate your actions, thoughts and feelings. Reel in assumptions. Quit regarding others as jerks. Stop the judgments and criticism. As you become aware how you are feeding your negative emotions, you become equipped to conquer them.

Plan ahead. Life is faithful to give us do-oers. As you honestly evaluate that you reacted negatively to a person’s disrespect, picture the event happening again with you responding in a more positive light. Sports figures see themselves succeeding before ever going onto the playing field. See yourself being calm, pleasant and respectful before going into the arena.

DON'T COPE - OVERCOME: Rather than being driven by your emotions and later regretting the direction in which they took you, learn to control your emotions and later feel good over your responses. Being in charge of your emotions is so empowering. Healthy emotions go hand-in-hand with happiness and satisfying relationships.

Calm. Collected. Cheerful.

Overcome Being Overwhelmed

Overcome being overwhelmed by recognizing the pattern. This pattern includes exaggerated thinking – “I have a million things to do” – confused emotions – “I’m so stupid” – relentless mind chatter and physical sensations of fatigue, frustration and fear.

Knowing that you want a change is easier than knowing what to do. We are intelligent beings. We are also emotional beings. When overwhelming emotions take over, thinking takes a holiday.

The secret to keeping our total behavior of thinking, doing, emoting and physiology is found in breathing. Slow. Deep. Purposeful. Deliberately. Allow incoming oxygen to calm the passion and send blood flow to the brain to re-engage rational thinking.

Think rationally about your to-do-list. Yes, several things demand your attention but it is nowhere near a million.

Gracious thinking about your self-esteem. You may have made a less than stellar choice, but you are not stupid.

Conscious, focused breathing calms the body’s systems to respond humanely. Use it for you to lessen opposition. Gently give it to your perceived adversaries. Without fanfare, allow him to take a minute to calm down. Do not demand answers.

In heightened emotions, we do not have answers anyway; we only have rationalizations that cloud rather than clarify. Or defenses that destroys rather than build.

The higher your energy level the more efficient your body – your total behavior. Focus helps you to prioritize your choices to pursue and to eliminate.

We become overwhelmed when we take things personally – as though we are the savior of the world – and it’s all about us to do or die.

We overcome when we come to terms that the stress from the situation is more about our own thinking than it is about the actual tasks at hand. That is not to discount the responsibilities of work and home and community involvements. It is to say that trying to do – or think about and plan for – at the same time is humanly impossible. It is too confusing; mind-boggling,

Go for excellence by doing the best you can do while in a state of calm learning. Let go of the paralyzing, stressing idea of perfectionism.

Don’t Cope. Overcome. Once you buy into being aware and put the awareness into practice, you become empowered - which is the highest form of power/control there is - internal rather than external; control of self rather than control of others.  When we are in control mode, our forced control over the others backfires into making them push back with equal or greater force (whether that force is aggressive or passive). When we give up control techniques we are in a much greater position to influence the offender to the positive.   

Seeing Beyond the Mental Fog

When fog settles in visibility lessens. Ordinary objects become distorted, perception is askew and navigation treacherous. Some souls have been lost at sea or driven over a cliff.

The same is true on the road of life when emotions cloud one’s vision. Annoyance become paramount, perception is out of kilter and course-plotting underhanded. Jobs are lost, relationships are harmed and happiness is illusive.

Where you are is where you are. The meaning you give to where you are is your perception based on the meaning you attach to where you are. Anxiety is the body’s response to thinking and feeling. When one makes a clear distinction between the event and the meaning given to it, one is better prepared to handle the realities of life.

Example: Driving on an unfamiliar road one may think, “I don’t know where I am.” “I’m lost.” You feel you should have gone another way; that you should have stayed home, that this road is too dangerous. Your body is tense and anxiety sets in.

Reframe: Distinguish between event and the meaning it warrants. “I am unfamiliar with the road and the surroundings. I am a good driver and will navigate cautiously. I will slow down and arrive alive. It is okay to be a little late.” Tension abates.

Example: You are told what to do when you already know what to do! You begin to mind read; “You think I am stupid.” “You think you are so smart.” “Get off my back!” You feel judged and criticized. Your body tenses as anger rises and hard feelings compound.

Reframe: "He/she means well. Maybe they know something I have overlooked or have not yet learned. Either way, I will respect their input and treat them with civility." Calm is restored. Relationship remains intact.

Example: A botched performance. Meaning attached, “I am a big goof. I ruined the entire event.” “People are placating me.” Feelings attached are discouragement, despair and failure. Body’s response is tight muscles, headache and depressing.

Reframe: Make a clear distinction between event and the meaning you give it. “Even though I messed up a little I gave some salient points. I am learning to be a presenter and will do better the next time.” Let yourself off the hook. Be able to receive compliments.

All day, every day four things are happening simultaneously:
1) the event
2) your thought regarding the event
3) your emotions associated with what you perceive about the event
4) your body responding to how you see, think and feel about the event

Reframing helps you to see what was not clean when clouded by emotions. Reframing takes you to a detached position where you might be able to see what a bystander would see (about the situation as well as about you).

Rethink and let the sunshine reflect a better light on success, relationships and happiness.

Balancing Our Emotional Scales

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy, likens our emotional state to mental scales that weights what we have against what we want to have. The more we are living the life we want to live, the happier we are. The more evenly balanced our mental scales are, the more connected one is with reality.

Automotive experts tell us that cars run more efficiently on a full tank of gas. The gas is used up driving long distances or in stop-and-go traffic. The driver keeps an eye on the fuel tank and makes adjustments as needed. When the gauge is nearing ‘E’, the driver does not panic but simply keeps an eye out for a gas station to fill up.

Likewise, our lives run more smoothly when our emotional tank is full.

Emotions are there to communicate with us and to alert us to what we are creating in our lives. When you feel lower level emotions, such as frustration or anger, it is because you perceive that you are not getting what you want.

So, what’s a body to do? And that is just the point. The body responds negatively to drained or overwrought emotions. Behavior is total. This means that our behavior is to totality of our enmeshed thoughts, actions/inactions, emotions and physicality all at the same time. Thoughts, actions, emotions and psychology work in tandem. They cannot be separated.

Feel it. Recognize that you are feeling the way you feel and allow yourself to feel it. Emotions have to be owned before they can be evaluated to be be kept, adjusted or discarded. Denying an emotion does not eliminate it; it just pushes it down to fester.

Self-evaluate. Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you feel. More importantly, do you want to continue to feel that way? If not, what choices are you willing to make to adjust or discard the emotion?

The trigger behind drained emotions is failure to get what you want in a given situation. The more stack attacks of such deficiency, the greater the scales are askew. Not getting what you want fits into a number of categories from the trivial wanting steak and being served soup to serious boundary breakers. Are you willing to make the choice to enjoy cheese and crackers? Are you willing to speak up despite the butterflies in your stomach?

We are never in perfect balance but our objective is to stay as balanced as possible. Balance is maintained by being aware of your feelings and patterns. When you see yourself drifting off course, take notice and make an adjustment.

It is difficult to have a bad day when one's emotional tank is close to full. Life’s journey runs smoothly as we keep an eye on the emotional scales and fill up. It is the total behavior that drains; it is the total behavior that re-fills. Connect with whatever brings you back to reality: run, jump, dance, meditate, work, play, cuddle or whatever.

WARNING: Humor Can Be Beneficial To Your Health

“Humor is the ability to greet life with a fluid flexibility, in spite of its upsets, disappointments and crises.” John M. Irvin

Former Senator Bob Dole believes that “second only to a backbone, everyone needs a funny bone.”

Having a sense of humor is developing the ability to go with the flow of life - ups and downs - and still be able to maintain a strong sense of happiness and joy in being alive. A good sense of humor is beneficial to your physical health as well as to one’s emotional well-being.

Consider:

* Laughter changes body chemistry; revs up and releasing healing endorphins - the body’s natural painkillers.

* Not only is decision making easier when possibilities are taken lightly - for they are just possibilities - but creative possibilities and morale is increased.

* Aids in quicker recovery from tragedies and illnesses.

* Great help in stress reduction by lightening tense situations.

* Allows one to deliver a serious message while defusing potential stress.

* Improves mental and emotional health.

* Aerobic. When one laughs the lungs get a good work out.

* Doctors have asserted that twenty seconds of robust belly laughing equals three minutes of exercise.

* Improves relationships by building teamwork.

* Laugh lines add character to your face. Did you know it takes more muscles to frown, than to laugh?

* Since aging produces wrinkles anyway, why not make them laugh lines?

* Humor is the breeding ground for loyalty; if you are likeable, people will be more loyal to you.

* Makes you more memorable. Who can easily forget a pleasant person?

* Expands your comfort zone.

* Gives a new perspective on life; begin to see things a little differently.

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs – jolted by every pebble in the road.” Henry Ward Beecher

“A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Solomon Prov. 17:22

Use caution in using humor. What is funny to one may be offensive to another. Sarcasm, ethnic jokes, put downs, belittling, etc. are never universally funny and can cause - not only hurt feelings - but also actual harm in relationships.

Laugh at yourself and with others. But in laughing at yourself, do not fall into the Rodney Daingerfield syndrome of putting yourself down to the discomfort of your audience. Do not use humor as a defense to deny reality. “Oh, I was just joking”. Do not allow humor to trivialize an issue. Be sensitive to what you make light of.

If you are going to laugh about it someday, go ahead and make that day today. Have you ever experienced a difficult situation that was stressful or even anger producing, and yet later - when emotions were not so raw - the story became a big hee-haw? Get a handle on stressful situations by finding something humorous in it. See the absurd.

“If you can laugh at it, you can survive it.” Bill Cosby

Self-Evaluation: What do you Really Want?

 

 

What do you want?  Over the course of your life thus far, how many times have you been asked that question? What do you want for Christmas? What do you want for your birthday?

 

What do you want? What do you really want? What about those times you “want something” and go searching for food even though hunger is not the issue? Or find something to do when that doesn’t fit the yearning either?

 

Asking ourselves what we really want is probably the most important thing we can do for ourselves - whether it’s about those big life/visions/goals or in-the-moment stuff. 

Have you ever wanted – and gotten – a new car thinking it would transport you to prestige, fun, dignity and self-worth?  Only to be sorely disappointed once the glamour wore off? And the payments continued?

What we want is produced by our emotions.  Emotions are the outcropping of the thoughts we think.  Emotions and perception (the way you see things) feed on each other, either to rev you up, or to calm you down.  It depends on what mind movie you are tuning in to.  We assume our lives are shaped by events. Actually our lives are shaped by our perceptions and reaction to events, people and/or stuff.

 

In the midst of a heated discussion, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What do I want right now.” 

More than likely the true answer is not, “I want to argue!” Odds are it’s more likely, “I want to be understood;” or, “I want to stop this harangue and I want to show up as the highest version of myself I’m committed to being!”

When you evaluate what you really want, then you are in a position to create it.  It is no longer about proving a point, it becomes about being the person you truly are. It is all in the decision. When you become clear on what you want (or who you really want to be), the “how” to be that person begins to fall into place. 

Change either what you want, or change what you are willing to do to get it. The human heart beats the same whether in the 21st Century or the 1st Century, before or beyond.  We really do all face the same issues, just in different flavors. 

 

The answer to what we want is usually not stuff or food or money or handouts or advice - although those things may have their place.  The answer to what we want is usually about being.  To find out who we really are, we must acknowledge who we have become. We must face the way we hide from ourselves.

 

Blind Bartimaeus cried out, “Jesus Christ, Son of David. Have mercy on me. I am a sinner.” Jesus responded to his plea for mercy by asking, “What do you want me to do?”  (Mark 10:46-52)

God will not violate our free will. How often do we ask for help not knowing what we really want or really need?  We do not recognize our spiritual poverty and thus do not receive mercy.

 

In evaluating what we want from Christ start with the ever true declaration of “I am a sinner”. After a soul-searching inventory be specific, “I am a sinner by being stressed that you will not provide for my needs.” “I am stressed because So-and-So does not follow my sage advice.”  Become more specific. “I am a stressor. I am a stressor because I want to control people and situations.”

 

What we want is actually about peace, contentment, healthy relationships and effective behaviors.  They are readily ours as we make time to follow the Biblical mandate to examine self before partaking in experiences that would render us ineffective (I Cor. 11:27-33).

Truth or Dare

Lily Tomlin, portraying five year old Edith Ann, was a regular feature in Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In TV series (1967–1973).  Edith Ann sat in a huge rocking chair and recounted outlandish adventures from her childish point of view. Each segment was ended with her looking directly into the camera and boldly proclaiming, “And that’s the truth!”

Life tickles our funny bones. The comedy in Lily’s skit came from the audience’s knowing that Edith Ann’s truth may not have been quite like she saw it. We find humor in situations with which we identify. And sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves. To see our foibles. To recognize our shadow side.

 

Only sometimes life breaks our hearts. The heart ache is not from seeing truth, but from refusing to be set free by the truth we see. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to.

 

Feelings don’t tell you the truth; they just tell you what you feel. Beliefs don’t tell you the truth; they just tell you what you believe. And what you believe is your best guess at what is real. Our best guess at reality is conditioned by the society in which you live. 

 

Society doesn’t tell you the truth; society goes with fads, trends or the in-thing.  Your thoughts don’t tell you the truth; they just try to tell how you measure up to society’s dictates. Or not. Circumstances don’t tell you the truth. No matter how real they seem to be they are really your thoughts trying to prove to you that your beliefs and your feelings and your viewpoints are truth.

 

So what does tell you the truth? Life.

 

Life demonstrates truth. Life is not prejudice. Life tells us the truth whether we can handle it or not. Rain or drought or hurricanes or tsunamis falls equally on the just and on the unjust.

 

Life reveals whether our actions are plume or not. It matters not if one is a skilled iron worker or a nuclear scientist or an adventurous roof-scaling child, the truthful law of gravity shows itself to always be accurate.

 

When feelings are bruised, look deep inside to see if you really are a fool or if maybe you just did a foolish thing.  Big difference.  When your thoughts bring increased frustration or anger or sadness or instability then maybe it is time to challenge what you believe. Does it hold water? How’s it working for you?  When circumstances are less than ideal, look deep inside to see what lesson life is trying to teach you. Obey the rules of the road and the chances of speeding tickets, wrecks or traffic violations are greatly diminished.

 

Listen to your internal moral compass and obey its directions. BUT NOTE: it speaks quietly, softly, gently. It must be tuned into in order to be heard. It must be given space in order to grow.  It must be proven in order to stand firm. 

 

Need a Life Coach?  Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com   

Building Memories

 

 

“The memories we share today become more magical tomorrow.”

Infinity car commercial

 

Memories evoke scattered pictures of the past – some pleasant, some not so much so. Although memories are emotionally based, they take hold serendipitously; out of those times spent together.   

 

Our memories are selective. My siblings and I are so dissimilar my sister-in-law declares we each must have been reared in different families.  Before death claimed two brothers, the four of us, plus our spouses, gathered together monthly to dine, reminisce and enjoy each other’s company.  Regardless of who shared a memory, there seemed to be four distinct responses to said account:

• One viewed it as a cherished moment, giving grand details and quoting dialog
• One saw it as a source of irritation and was ready to debate the topic or dismiss it
•  Another could not remember the incident at all
•  And yet another remembered it happening but it was no big deal.

 We are masters at constructing the boundaries of our reality. According to Psychiatrists William Glasser, all we can ever receive from our environment is information. Information gets into our brains through a filtering system comprised of our five senses. When information passes us by, it is because it did not merit our filter test as being important. When the information is received it activates a response of pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. 

 

Memories come to bear in random fashion activated by current information received by one or more of our five senses. When I walked into Mrs. Mathias’s dining room of cherry mahogany, I was instantly transported back to my wonder years of Sunday dinners at grandmother’s huge table.  Since memories are random events set in motion through sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, I have chosen not to organize my collection of pictures and memorabilia but to view them unsystematically.   

 

The teaching that life is an illusion is a mystical principle. We can lose our power by believing something is “real” or “unreal” when, in fact, it is one’s perception of the matter. Be careful about programmed memorable times together so they do not become too stressful. When tension is there to force making a pleasant memory, it may backfire.

Although we are complicated individuals, truth be told, life is simple. It is about enjoying the moment and one another. Now that is a memory builder. (9/23/12 388)

 

Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@solutionprinciples.com  

 

"Why" and "Why Not?"

The answer to “Why” is and always has been one of two reasons:
· “Because it seemed like a good idea at the moment.”
· “Because all the conditions were met for it to have happened.”

The answer to “Why not” is and always has been one of three reasons:
· “Because s/he did not think of that at the moment and you were not there.”
· “Because s/he thought of it and decided against it.”
· “Because all the conditions were not met for it to have happened.”

Simplistic? No. Simplistic is to see things from only one-dimension. Simplistic is the failure to acknowledge the countless variables that goes into every-single-solitary interaction.

Suppose you went home to find that your dwelling had been completely destroyed. Finding out “why” – a fluke tornado, a misdirected wrecking ball, an explosion - may bring some peace of mind. The fact remains that the damage has been done and the next step is moving forward.

Searching for “why” or “why not” will not rebuild the house/relationship. It impedes progress. To clean up the mess begins by regaining your stability, by finding the courage within you to do your part in rebuilding the structure or restoring the relationship.

To continue searching for “why” or “why not” comes from failure to accept what happened or what did not happen. It comes from the heart of a griever. It comes from something you want to cry about.

We cannot move past what we have not embraced. We do not have the liberty to throw away that which we do not own. So acknowledge the hurt and own your emotions. Then step into the renewal of today and be pleasantly surprised when peace shows up.

Work on developing relationship. That is not to say that the past will never be discussed. It is to say that past discretion will consciously and deliberately be set aside while emotions are healed and relationship is rebuilt. And be pleasantly surprised when forgiveness shows up. You will know when the past is not worth remembering.

Whenever offends comes you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy and emotions for retaliation or for resolution? You can’t do both. What do you choose? Why not?

What would you like discussed? Let me hear from you. 

The Mystery of Quiet Reflection

"Time is at once the most valuable and the most perishable of all our possessions."
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Do you compete with time? Or complain there is not enough of it? Are you guilty of bragging about how much you have to do? Or how long it has been since you have had a vacation? Or even a day off?

What is your reaction when another tells of their hectic life? Do you feel the need to one-up? Do you regard busy-ness as proof of self-worth?

Everyone has been given twenty-four hours in a day, yet some seem to make better use of it than others. Effective use of time is not magic, but it is a mystery. It starts with the wisdom of self-evaluation.

Redeem the time. Suppose you use a pizza coupon. The size and quality of the pizza remains the same but the financial outlay to you is less. Through use of a coupon the pizza proprietor gave you more bang for your buck. Quiet time stretches your spending. It is not another item on your “to do” list; it is actually a time maker.

Attune your heart and mind to inner peace. Did you know that noise comes from the same root word as nausea? For a few minutes deliberately shut out the noise of your surroundings. Push all the brain chatter aside and focus on the rhythm of your breath. According to brain science, as you focus on calm, the frontal lobes turn down the brain volume and ushers you into a place of serenity.

Listen to the still small voice inside. Conscious is defined as “an inner knowing of right from wrong, with a compulsion to do right.” Begin to listen to you; the answers are within. Brain scan of people meditating takes them to what scientists call “the God spot.”

Practice makes permanent. I have been told that runners reach a high to which they become addicted. Energy is released when the position is assumed on the runner’s block. I don’t know about exercise yet, but I can vouch for the longing for meditation. Assume the position and peace enfolds. Meditation is the silent language of creation.

Whether for a few minutes or an hour discover the mystery of quiet time and find the enchantment of wonderland. When you think you do not have time for quiet time is when you need it most. Taking a few moments of quiet reflection to realign thoughts and release pent up emotions helps you sort out true priorities vs. the tyranny of the urgent. Quiet time allows one to temporarily disengage from the rat-race to find your humanity.

Balancing Our Emotional Scales

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy, likens our emotional state to mental scales that weights what we have against what we want to have. The more we are living the life we want to live, the happier we are. The more evenly balanced our mental scales are, the more connected one is with reality.

Automotive experts tell us that cars run more efficiently on a full tank of gas. The gas is used up driving long distances or in stop-and-go traffic. The driver keeps an eye on the fuel tank and makes adjustments as needed. When the gauge is nearing ‘E’, the driver does not panic but simply keeps an eye out for a gas station to fill up.

Likewise, our lives run more smoothly when our emotional tank is full.

Emotions are there to communicate with us and to alert us to what we are creating in our lives. When you feel lower level emotions, such as frustration or anger, it is because you perceive that you are not getting what you want.

So, what’s a body to do? And that is just the point. The body responds negatively to drained or overwrought emotions. All behavior is total that includes the enmeshed employment of thoughts, actions/inactions, emotions and physical responses all at once.

Feel it. Recognize that you are feeling the way you feel and allow yourself to feel it. Emotions have to be owned before they can be kept, adjusted or discarded. Denying the emotion does not eliminate it; it just pushes it down to fester.

Self-evaluate. Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you feel. And more importantly, do you want to continue to feel that way? If not, what choices are you willing to make to adjust or discard the emotion?

The basic trigger behind drained emotions is the failure to get what you want in any given situation. The more stack attacks of such deficiency, the greater the scales are askew. Not getting what you want fits into a number of categories from the trivial wanting steak and being served soup to the serious boundary breakers. Are you willing to make the choice to enjoy cheese and crackers? Are you willing to speak up despite the butterflies in your stomach?

We are never in perfect balance but our objective is to stay as balanced as possible. Balance is maintained by being aware of your feelings and patterns. When you see yourself drifting off course, take notice and make an adjustment.

It is really hard to have a bad day when the emotional tank is close to full. Life’s journey runs smoothly as we keep an eye on the emotional scales and fill up. It is the total behavior that drains; it is the total behavior that re-fills. Connect with whatever brings you back to reality: run, jump, dance, meditate, work, play, cuddle or whatever.

Please leave a comment. Let's get a conversation going. 

Building Your Safety Net

Restlessness and complacency are twin rivals of the human psyche.

Accept who you are now and grow into whom you want to become and where you want to go or do. The fairy tale world of “Someday I’ll…” does not come true. Wishing and dreaming is not enough. Such irrational thinking sees self as whole and complete. It takes out all the temptations and struggles of today’s reality. Get in touch with your humanness, accept help and guidance and develop those latent strengths.

Monitor your growth. Set a benchmark to focus on and keep track of day-to-day progress. Studies show, for example, that weight loss is twice as effective for those who record their food intake as those who do not. It makes reality more visible, whereas non-measured activity lends to error.

Give up trying (low energy) and go with doing (high energy). Look at how far you have come “since when” and embrace where you are now. Trying embraces struggle whereas doing releases ideas and energy and results. Baby steps are okay. Success in small increments ups the ante to keep on.

Consider changing your playground and your playmates. The body is a remarkable instrument that wants to heal itself. The cells in the body have only two positions: closed for protection and open for growth. Glucose is a willpower enforcer that is released into the blood stream in nurturing environments.

Glucose “willpower” is constricted in hostile, not-good-for-you settings. Consider who is good for you and hang around them. Get honest with who/what is not good for you and limit exposure.

Change is invigorating to soul, mind, body and spirit. Like most things, habits are both good and not so good. The habit that propels you to brush your teeth is great, not so much the one that unthinkingly reaches for the cigarettes. When surroundings are the same, so too are ingrained habits.

A slight change in your environment can cause you to re-think. Replace junk food with fruits and vegetables. Put interesting reading material on top of the TV remote. Keep dumbbells in an accessible spot for impromptu strength training. Every time you chose a positive move, consciously tell yourself you are brain-training your mind.

Believe it and see it. Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality. Athletes who visualize overcoming an obstacle win hands down over the also-rans who tried to do their best. Anticipate challenges and see yourself succeeding anyway. Practice graciously and boldly saying “No, thank you” to those tempting offers that are sure to come.

There is strength in numbers. Align yourself with people who embody the character qualities you want developed. Get involved with wholesome groups like church, sports and mentors. Hang around those who encourage you, support you and cheer you on.

Be kind and patient. Beating yourself up serves no worthwhile purpose whereas self-compassion - especially in light of set-backs - leads to self-control and do-over motivation.

Refuse to indulge in the vicious cycle of error, guilt, condemnation and greater error. Self-forgiveness sets you up to focus on what you really want, who you really are and whom you really can become.

Watch your self-talk directed at others. Judging, condemning and criticizing others turns them into your enemy whether they are or not. We need community. The person you judge as self-righteous may be dealing with his own demons in a different manner than you. Just maybe what you see as nagging is a mishandled way of encouragement. Suppose they (mom, mate, co-worker, authority) see the real possibilities within you and - out of frustration -tries to force you into being you. With the reciprocity of life such as it is your extending compassion to him comes back to you.

Walking a high wire needs a safety net. So does life. The good news is that with a self-balancer in hand, it requires less and less effort to stay aright. A set-back does not mean failure. What counts is how you recover. Get up, dust yourself off and get right back on track. It’s worth it.

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Mirror, Mirror

Life lends itself to interaction with the masses of fellow-strugglers (family members, co-workers). They have shortcoming that annoy us. Their accomplishments rear the green-eyed jealousy monster in us.

Others are mirrors reflecting us to us. Their irritating flaws reveal our own untended ways. Their glaring success nags at our own unheeded potential.

Dislike the image. When someone irritates us and we want to fix them, it is an echo of our own unfinished business. Their glaring foibles reflect our own deficiencies.

Like draws to like. Like a magnet we draw to us what we are, not what we want to be. Courage draws to courage. Success draws to success. Dysfunction draws to dysfunction. Whether moral or immoral, legal or illegal, when another’s action matches your action there is harmony, understanding, agreement. You have found a friend, a companion. Depending on the non-verbal contract you have found a cynic with which to commiserate and wallow in the mud – or you have found a comrade with which to overcome and scale summits.

Like the image. Become friends with the image you see in your mirror every day. Accept who you are, blemishes and all. You are more than your looks, more than your hair, more than your clothes, more than your shape, more than your job, more than your possessions, more than your education, more than your accomplishments – you are more. You are a human being; a human becoming.

As you choose to lower your defenses, something mysterious happens. The offensiveness in others also begins to dissolve. Their defensiveness is lessened. As you relax with you, the world relaxes around you. As you stop trying to fix others and work on your own locus of control, you become congruent with the real you. As you like you, others respond in kind.

Compassionate toward the image. As we grow and overcome our own shortcomings a shift occurs in our view of others. As you see triumphs in self, develop empathy toward the one still struggling. Use this as a springboard to see their undeveloped potential. Come along side as a mentor.

Life lends itself to interaction with the masses of fellow-strugglers. In the midst of the hustle and bustle of life, make time to reflect on who you are. The real you is enough.

God does not make junk. He made you a unique and special individual, with infinite worth and value and sporting a designer label.

Stories We Tell

You’ve seen the TV sitcom where four or five individuals give their rendition of events. Have you noticed how each one paints self in a favorable light?

As with most words, there is both a positive and a negative slant to storytelling. Stories engage us in a life we did not live. Through stories we identify with heroes, connect with others and find ourselves. Stories have a transforming effect through battles fought and victories won.

We relate to others and ourselves as though we are our feelings. In fact, we even invent whole stories of why we feel the way we feel in order to justify or explain this misperception of our identity.

In the sitcom example, stories are told in an effort to create a different reality. Problem comes when we use stories to avoid facing reality. This storytelling leads to disassociation and fantasy. The stories are repeated to self (and maybe to others) so many times we believe our own lies. And feel hopeless. FEEL = false evidence enveloping lies.

Judgment does not help and it does not change reality. It is interesting to note the emotional component of holding on and releasing, and the degree to which our bodies are impacted by our feelings.

Stories are also told to keep things from happening. Such as, “I will do so and so when the kids are grown.” But they are grown. “Oh, I meant the grandkids!”

“We almost always have choices, and the better the choice, the more we will be in control of our lives. Good or bad, everything we do is our best choice at that moment.’ Dr. William Glasser

We must become aware of the stories we tell. Without awareness, we relate to others as though we are our feelings. It is not that feelings don’t occasionally appear to be justified.

The truth is that feelings are just feelings. Feelings are not who we are; therefore, we can choose to let them go. Choosing to let go of feelings frees us to recognize what stories we may be telling. Choosing to let go of feelings prepares us to see what is real and to act accordingly - or to refrain from acting. Not being emotionally involved gives perspective.

Feelings have their place – in the rear – to follow rather than to lead. This translates into an ability to handle life better and to make choices with clarity. It allows us to act in ways that support achievement of goals as opposed to self-sabotaging.

Choosing to take decisive action based on conscious, rational thought, frees the individual without having to relive or explain their life stories. Even though seeds may have been planted in the past, the current emotion is exactly that, the current emotion.

The emotion is in the present and you are in the present so you can choose to act in the present to choose a different present. This releases the past and sets the stage for a positive future. One of storytelling of adventures taken and lessons learned; your true reality stories that inspire and encourage.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Solving the Problem of "Changing Your Mind"

“Get over it!” “Let it go.” “Just move past it.”

Sounds good, but how? Emotions reflect what we are currently attracting. Negative emotions are neon signs trying to get your attention that your choice of thoughts is not taking you where you want to go. Change your mind by thinking better-feeling thoughts.

Assign new words. When something is "lost", the psyche unconsciously searches for it. This highlights the battle of weight and the losing/regaining syndrome. Instead of "losing" pounds I have begun to focus on "releasing” them. Whatever is released it is gone without a bungee cord attached. When released, like a helium balloon, it rises up and up out of grasp never to be seen again.

This principle applies to everything. Rather than trying to figure out why you need something, or why you do something, or why you cannot give something up, or why you are not receiving something, or why someone else is or is not... ad nauseous, simply choose to release it. To let it go.

And release it again the next time. Every time it comes up, release it again and again and again. Even the slightest doubt that “it just might work” is enough of a chink in your armor to allow a fragment of light to seep in.

You can never change things by fighting existing reality… To change things you
build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete. R. Buckminister Fuller

Tense muscles and relax. Muscles are made to tense and relax; to close and open; to hold on and to release. Pick up an object and hold it firmly in your grasp. You will not put it back down unless you choose to release the tightened muscles. Tension remains in the body through the failure to release and let it go.

Behavior controls results. To release unconscious emotional attachment to pain, consciously say aloud: “I choose to release all things known and unknown that keeps me stuck. I choose to hold on to the positive life lessons for my health and success."

It is okay to be uncomfortable. As with most things, releasing has a learning curve. Sit with your pain in a state of love for you and direct love to the issue. When you direct loving attention to any issue, the dynamics change.

Direct love to you, to the situation, to the people directly involved, to the people peripherally involved, to whomever. The power of prayer (and sending love is the greatest form of praying) moves through the airwaves or the collective unconscious or whatever unexplainable ways God works to bring unknown solutions to solve both known and unknown problems.

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We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

The Freedom of Anger Resolution

Life hurts. A physical wound heals through proper attention of cleansing, ointment and time. So too with an emotional hurt. Only the proper attention is not to nurse, curse and rehearse.

Thought is reflected in the body as emotion. Thoughts may not be conscious, but emotions are. As the negative thought is replayed, one stays emotionally overwrought (raw). Lack of perspective unconsciously causes one to identify with his emotions and that emotion becomes “you”.

Emotion is the body’s reaction to thought. Hostile thoughts build up energy in the body that is experienced as anger. The more one identifies with his thoughts (likes, dislikes, judgments and interpretations) the stronger the emotional energy charge.
An important function of the mind is to remove emotional pain, thus the confused flurry of mental activity and the need to deny reality. Some things are so painful the only way to handle it is through denial.

Emotional pain is lessened through reflection that brings resolve. Resolution involves opening the mind to consider all sides of an issue; to be willing to see the pros and cons of all parties involved. Resolution brings things to an end. Problem solved. Resolution declares the conflict is over.


VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: It takes one to resolve, two or more to reconcile.
The resolution within yourself frees you in several ways.

1) It frees you to be civil toward the offender.

2) It frees you to be open to your part in the conflict.

3) As your attitude sets a gracious atmosphere, it frees the offended/offending party to be receptive to your insights.

4) It paves the way for reconciliation.

5) It strengthens you to live peacefully with unresolved issues.

6) It promotes overall spiritual and physical health.

7) It gives you courage to set boundaries and/or to respect boundaries.

8) It builds tenacity within to embrace a spirit of forgiveness to self and others.

When we cease to draw identification from the pain, we are freed to be free. We are freed to find resolve whether through action or inaction. We are freed to experience love, joy and peace. Love, joy and peace transcend emotions all the way to the state of being.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.
　

Becoming Whole

Everyone searches for identity, purpose, satisfaction and significance. We long for love, self-worth, meaning, fulfillment and happiness. We often come up short.

Life must be lived to be realized. Wholeness does not take place in a vacuum. Inner wholeness is expressed through relationships, work ethics, love and commitment. By God’s design, we were placed in community to rid us of the illusion that we are self-sufficient.

Only separate beings can engage in healthy relationships with family, friends, career, community responsibilities and civic duties. Whole individuals interact without becoming enmeshed. Without individuation, true relationship does not happen.

Take yourself out of the middle. Someone cannot put you in the middle of a situation without your consent. And no one can keep you from taking yourself out of the middle. Unless you are a trained negotiator that can analyze sides with impartial unemotional perspective, remove yourself from this middle position immediately. Minimizing your role in the drama.

Realize that you are neither the rescuer nor the protector. Yes feelings may be hurt. Yes blame may be placed on you. Interfere (i.e. justification and rationalization) keeps negative energy going and delays rational thinking that can resolve misunderstandings. A recovering client remarked: “Who knew that I needed to learn to say ‘NO’?”

Scarred yet whole. On a nature walk I found a pretty white rock. It looked as though a mower thrashed it, knocking out pieces. Even though it was scarred, it was pretty. The broken places showed its inner beauty and solid structure. I made the parallel to life issues. Although scarred, the individual has inner beauty; brokenness reveals inner substance and character.

Substance not stuff. When you do not need “stuff” or externals to prove your value, you shift to “I am enough.” This insight gives way to being thoughtful of self and others. As you respect yourself, you generate respect for you in others.

Emotions denied. Emotions can be so strong the only way to handle them is through denial. Denial is refusing to acknowledge facts. Think back on a hurtful situation and observe it from a place of detachment. See the offense from a place of disengagement. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to. Observe and let go. When we come to terms with truth – the good, the bad and the ugly – we are well on the way to wholeness.

Give serious thought to ways in which you may be your own worst enemy. Are your actions bringing relationships closer and more meaningful? Examine your attitude see if is the path of happiness and success or unhappiness and failure. Practice these suggestions first with those you are not so emotionally attached. As you become comfortable with your newfound behavior and attitude, begin dealing with family members in your new assertiveness

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her mona@monadunkin.com

An Uncertain Future

We are living in perilous times. The news is filled with tornadoes, tsunamis, rampant fires and earthquakes, not to mention homeland violence and worldwide wars. Truth is, all of us are facing an uncertain future. With coverage of disasters we now know that we don’t know what tomorrow holds.

Good fear, bad fear. Sometimes fear is a good place to start. Healthy fear causes one to think about what to do next; to plan ahead. It also forces us to let go of false securities and come to terms with what really matters in life.

What you cannot control. The list of things one cannot control is long and includes: the weather, another person, the past, time, the economy and how my favored team plays. What things might you have tried to control that have proven futile?

What you can control. The only thing within your control is you and your response to things/people that you cannot control. Things over which you have control includes your words, your attitudes, your facial expressions, your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your dress, your esteem, your feelings, your schedule, what you spend, where you go and with whom you associate.

Did I say you could control your feelings? Yes, you can control your feelings, but it starts with controlling your thoughts and actions. It is easier to think and act yourself into feeling differently than it is to feel yourself into thinking and acting differently.

Go with gratitude. You also control your perception of life and situations. You will never forget what you have lost; be thankful for what you have left. Even if the remains of a tragedy are slim, you have your life. You have blessed memories of those lost. You have a change to start over anew and afresh. You have talents and abilities to employ. You have love to share and experience to give.

Have compassion for you and for others. George Washington Carver shared how to develop empathy: “How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong, because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”

Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Allow difficulties to be your tutor to learn life lessons. Have faith in God and trust things to work out. Faith and trust go hand in hand. Faith strives to bring to pass what has not happened yet. Trust rests in the end results. Have faith in yourself, but not too much as to cause it to be a liability.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”