Effective Leadership

To advance your career it is important to learn new skills. You cannot have quality service without trained and motivated people. Leadership is blending the tough and tender sides to take people and the business to new heights. Leadership is balancing the demanding and the caring.

Know Yourself. Effective leaders know their innate talents, strengths and weaknesses. They capitalize on strengths while encouraging growth in others. They work on their weaknesses while offsetting the disparity with co-workers who excel in that area. They pursue personal growth; address fears head on, eliminate negative emotions and continually set forward goals.

Establish trust through relationship. Correction fears or evaluation dreads disappear as you develop relationship. Everyone wants constructive input from a friend.

Provide a learning atmosphere. Learn and improve by holding ‘group think’ sessions. My definition of synergy is “all of us are smarter than any of us.” Put egos aside. Allow each person to give positive points as well as improvement points. Brain storm together to determine effective communication, customer service, or whatever the issue may be.

Handle losses with grace and maturity. Everybody has difficulties; it is how you handle them that set you apart from the pack.

Grade on the curve. Give the benefit of the doubt while holding to accountability.

“What” verses “Why”. Asking “Why” comes off as accusing and encourages excuses and arouses negative emotions. Looking at “What” promotes accountability and problem solving. “Why” looks at the here and now; “What” looks at the present and future.

Play “What If”. Not for doom and gloom and do not get bogged down in worst case scenarios, but evaluate the possible outcome and what fail safes need to be put in place.

Assign tasks and accountability. Name a specific individual to a specific task. Giving general directions such as “someone needs to ..” leads to no follow through because of lack of delegation. When ambiguous orders are given, staff assumes another will do the task and your problems are compounded by personality conflicts.

Assess if your message is getting through. According to Management Resources, a person’s body language indicates confusion. A confused person will do one of the following six things: 1) Avoid eye contact; 2) Tilt their head; 3) Squint the eyes; 4) Close their mouth and keep it closed; 5) Lower their eye brows; 6) Cross their arms and/or legs.

Take Action. The best laid plan will never work without action. Use the 48-hour rule. The longer the delay in starting a project, increases the waning of enthusiasm for solving issues and the more the problems are compound. Set project deadlines as well as incremental action steps for accomplishment.

Baby steps are okay as long as you are going in the right direction. Several small leaps prepares you for the big jump when it comes.

Thanks Be To God

Life is filled with tension. What to do? What not to do? What is too much? What is not enough? Knowing. Not knowing. Not caring. Emotional highs and lows. Joys and disappointments. All at the same time!

Thank be to God for this Holy Easter Holiday. When rightly observed, Easter can teach us to die to life's tension in order to live abundantly. With the approaching of Ash Wednesday, I wish to share my last year's Lenten experience with you.

Although I have celebrated Easter all my life, I had never observed the 40-day Lenten fast. 2014 was a first for me. I am sad to say it had never seemed that important in preparation for Easter. How blind I have been.

We must choose to be awake to receive the Son-rise.

My Lenten fast was actually pretty petty. I choose to forgo the 2PM-4PM-half-price-drinks-run to Sonic. This everyday 44oz drink habit I had fallen into had taken on a life of its own. At 1:30 in the afternoon – I don’t want to miss it - my attention was drawn to my senses. Like Pavlov's dog, I salivated just thinking of the treat.

Everything is spiritual. How is it that denying the self can be as fulfilling as satisfying the self? Lent is not about the ego-self (edging God out) but the true-self (centering God in).

Self-control is an essential part of the spiritual life. As the appetite is tamed the soul flourishes. This iota of surrender made an enormous shift in my thinking. My afternoon attention is being refocused from Dr. Pepper to the Great Physician. My thirst is being translated from soda pop to Living Waters.

And in the process every sense is becoming sharper.

God’s silence speaks volumes and my stillness listens and my wisdom heart hears. How many times does God speak and we do not hear for our spiritual ear is dulled by the illusion of pleasures and pains of life?

In The Liturgical Year, Sister Joan Chittister relates the story of a disciple who heard a voice calling, “Who is there?”

Sensing a holy moment, she replied, “It is I, Lord.” But there was only silence.

Years later she again heard the voice and again she answered, “It is I, Lord. It is I.”

But there was only silence. In later years, the voice called a third time, “Who is there?”

This time she answered, “It is You, Lord, only You.”

Apostle Paul expressed it as decreasing so that God might increase.

Diane Bardwell sings, “Ever dying into You am I, until there is only You.”

Everything we learn in life, it is all Thanks Be To God.


For counsel or speaking engagements, contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com

Forgiving the Past and Moving On

 

New Years and  “Auld Lang Syne” - the song about choosing to let bygones be bygones and to get on with life while choosing to value the personhood of the individual.

Often we hear “just forgive and forget,” yet I suggest that the human spirit is incapable of forgetting severe hurts and indiscretions of the past, whether done to you or committed by you.  So what can we do? 

 

Make restitution where possible.  Some times an apology does wonders for healing the past.  I have seen instances where people have carried regrets and grudges for almost a lifetime, only to find restoration at the very end.  It is never too late, but why wait so long?  Whom do you need to contact today and apologize to?  Whom do you need to release today from hurts?

 

Prayer the universal prayer: “Lord, I ask that you forgive and release all those who have hurt and harmed me.  I pray that you forgive and release all those whom I have hurt and harmed.” 

 

Pay for it.  I do consulting work for a Federal Prison transitional housing and every week meet people who are paying for their past through fines and incarceration.  Some hold on to the proclamation of injustice. Those who see the justice in it have a newfound peace and a new foundation upon which to built and restore relationships. 

 

“People tend to see only the stubble fields of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they have brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity.”  Dr. Victor Frankl in Man’s Search for Significance

 

Redeem it.  At least to a degree.  Redeem comes from two Latin words combining “back” and “again”.  Hence, to redeem is to buy back, or to retain a possession, or to fulfill a promise.  It is to be rescued from wrongs and its heavy price. The thief can become an honest productive citizen. The lazy person can become productive.  The unscholarly can return to school.  

 

I saw a movie where an absent father became a doting grandfather.  When the hurt son asked why his father was now being so attentive, the man replied, “I feel God has given me another chance.”  In the process, the father and son formed a closer relationship with each other and with the lad. 

 

Forgive it.  And forgive yourself in the process.  Do not waste time and energy on unresolved issues.  Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  Let go of the past, good and bad, and move into freedom.  It takes courage to be an overcomer.  It takes timidity to hide and to place blame. 

 

Forgiveness is to know your worth and value regardless of the infraction by you or against you. Forgiveness is to quit rehashing the event and re-feeling the emotions. Forgiveness is to give up your right to get even for having been hurt or misunderstood.

Forgiveness is a great way to start 2014.  Happy New Year. 

 

Need trainer?  Mona Dunkin leads individuals and companies to greater levels of success. Contact her at mona@solutionprinciples.com  View training topics at www.monadunkin.com

Let the Light of You Shine

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond

measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”  -Marianne Williamson

 

We are complex individuals living in a complicated world.  Things are not as they first appear to be. For example, invisible atoms collectively make up everything in this universe. One of the deep scientific truths is that there is no empty space. What seems to be vacant space is filled with atoms. 

Another invisible yet power aspect is the aura surrounding each individual. Definite it as personality or characteristics, nonetheless there is a special air that precedes us. We draw to us - not what we want - but what we are.  Like draws to like. 

There is nothing to be gained by playing small. Humility has its place when not confused with a false modesty. The person who brags about what s/he does yet refuses to receive a compliment has confused meekness with arrogance. Humility is not thinking less of yourself; humility is thinking of yourself less. Humility is being true to you. 

 

So what prevents us from allowing our light to shine? When you think of speaking up for a principle or cause, what stops you?  When that promotion is imminent, what pushes you to put a ceiling on it?  When that relationship is flowing, what causes you to self-sabotage?

How would shining in all your glory threaten your comfort zone? Who would be upset if you shine? How would becoming who you are created to be upset the established family structure?  For whom would releasing your genius create insecurity?  

How does it serve you to stay small? Are you afraid of your own brilliance? 

Most are not afraid to shine unless they have been hurt or shamed for standing out and shining. How have your wings been clipped, either through reality or your own perception? Have you replaced another’s criticism with your own destructive self-talk?

Each individual is blessed with a wide spectrum of temperaments. The speedy hare may seem difficult a pokey turtle – yet each are being true to themselves. When a cat scurries up a tree is he showing off? Is a dog a wimp because he cannot climb?

For those of us who find it difficult to love ourselves, it becomes easier when we wake up to the truth about who we are. Light is released through living a truthful life. Understand you are a lovely and loveable individual, wart and all. Even imperfections, you are both fabulous and flawed. We are in “process” and – in reality - do not need to the approval of others to validate our worth. This is freedom indeed. Not the freedom to be obnoxious or stubborn, but the freedom to develop one’s shadow side. Speak the truth in love – to yourself (without condemnation) and to others (without accusation).

 

To walk in truth is to walk in perfect love, and if we walk in perfect love, then we do not walk in fear because perfect love cast out fear. 

When our lives shine of natural gifting and pure intention others will notice and be drawn to your light.  When in doubt, look inside; are you being less than truthful to you?  You have enough light for the step you are on. Keep growing. Keep shining. The world needs your light.

Be Your Best Self

Can you believe it is March already, and spring?  So, how are you doing on your New Year’s resolutions?  Not to worry, any month, any day is a good time for fresh starts - to begin something new or to make changes.  

In a past issue of Waco Today, Kat Nelson asked prominent community leaders to give hope for the coming year.  Rosemary Mayes of Scott & White Health Plans shared a poignant insight: “Every New Year people make resolutions to change aspects of themselves they believe are negative. A majority of people reverts back to how they were before and feels like failures. This year I challenge you to a new resolution: I challenge you to just be yourself!”

 

Which begs the question: Do you know how to be yourself?

 

I suggest that most of us only know who we are by hearsay. What they want for us, who they want us to be, where they want us to go, how they want us to behave. Having heard other’s dreams for our lives (that does not match our passion) or pronouncement of our character flaws (that seems so innate) or being prodded to action (that is not in keeping with our temperament), we peg ourselves a loser.

 

You were not born that way.  Family, friends and peers did not see you that way either. You were bragged about as being the smartest and cutest kid ever. Siblings were jealous of your awesomeness. Everyone saw so much potential in you – and maybe hung their star on your ascending stairway.

 

Needing to be loved and to belong, we went along with the charade. Allowing others to define you causes one to lose his/her true identity. It also thwarts growth and discovery. So accept Rosemary’s challenge and “be yourself”. 

Or, go back a few centuries and accept Shakespeare’s challenge: 

 

“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.” Shakespeare – Hamlet

 

Do not misunderstand; there is much room for improvement. Accepting truth about oneself can be quite difficult. But truth really does set one free. Truth gives you the humility to come to terms with weaknesses (those pesky negatives). Speak the truth in love – to yourself (without condemnation) and – when need be - to others (without accusation).

 

Truth recognizes strengths - and you do have strengths or you would have never resolved to bring them into reality in the first place. Truth gives boldness to set boundaries and courage to be empowered to manifest those strengths. 

 

“This above all…” Being you is an imperative. Unless we can be true to ourselves first, we cannot be true to others.  It is impossible to be honest when hiding secrets.

 

How surely does night follow day?  Seems as though daylight and darkness have faithfully occurred every twenty-four hours since the beginning of time.

When we are true to ourselves first, we cannot be false with others. We become real. Genuine. Authentic. Lovely. The best you ever. 

 

Need a trainer or speaker?  Call me 254-749-6594; you’ll be glad you did.

 

To Be More Loving

February is famed for its limited number of days, the last hurrah of winter and as being the month of love. In proclaiming love to others, do not forget to be more loving to you.

Insight comes in all shapes and forms. Sometimes those things we do not want to acknowledge is the most healing.

After a speaking engagement I graciously received compliments on my presentation as well as on my appearance. When I viewed the video – although I was pleased with the message – I was not quite so pleased with the messenger (i.e. with me). I was critical of my performance and my appearance. Every feeling is a pro-survival mechanism.

• I did not like my hair. Although all natural, it appeared grayer than what I see in my mirror.
• I looked heavier than what my scales suggest.
• I deemed my hand gestures to be a little too dramatic.

Criticism is an ugly (disconnecting) way of making a request. I changed my focus. Rather than allowing critical-self to condemn me, I ask myself what "personal requests am I making of me?" Instantly I was more accepting of my looks and mannerisms.

I shared this positive awareness with my accountability partner, Gloria. She cut to the heart of the issue. “Maybe your request is to be more loving.”

How freeing it is to face the way we hide from our feelings. The choice to move from acceptance to loving is amazing. Send love to the pain and the pain will dissipate.

Sending love is done with a deliberate intention to be kind. Yes, be kind to others but also be kind to you. Sending love quiets the nagging critic. Love acknowledges flaws and what to do about them: either to accept and joyfully move on or to receive insight and courage for correction. Sending love engenders compassion to one’s own ego as well as to family, friend and even to foe.

Sending love releases inner limitation and long-held hurts. It relaxes the body, calms the mind and floods your being with peace. It quiets the drama and equalizes emotions so your true spirit shines through.

Sending love releases restorative chemicals into the blood stream; natural meds that heal and repair. A healthy body lends to clearer thinking and improved relationships.

Choose to be more loving by approaching all aspects of life from a place of love. There is an invisible connection between you, God and humanity at large. The more love is sent, the more the separating gap narrows. The more love is denied, criticism and rebellion ensues from a place searching for love.

With the billion of souls in the universe, we can never exhaust all the air available for us to breathe. Love is an even greater resource available to us without thought and becomes powerful with mindful intention. Although our love may be fledging, when joined with God’s unconditional love it is restorative.

Start with being more loving to you. And let it grow. This Valentine's day - and beyond - be more loving of you to you. Quiet your inner self-critic about your perceived shortcomings

Don't Cope. Overcome.  You are created in God's image, a work of art with a designer label. As His creation, you have infinite worth and value. You have been gifted with talents to bless yourself and others. Live your authentic self; do not become a generic brand.

I’d love to hear your insights.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

 

Growing Up

“I’m afraid to grow up.” This was Laura’s pronouncement to her mom following a hurtful disagreement with a classmate (Little House on the Prairie).

Ma, in her wisdom replied, “I guess nobody grows up all the way. There is a little girl inside every woman, and there is a little woman inside every girl. As you put some distance to this hurt, you can look back and find some humor in it.”

Here are some thoughts on growing up, regardless of our chronological age.

Be authentic. Do not try to be someone you are not. Success is not dependent on who we are as much as on what we do with who we are. Trying to be different in order to try to live up to another’s expectations can be exhausting as well as come across as being fake. It also can lead to failure as well as internal conflict.

Set goals in keeping with your personal values. Goals are those things that motivate us to continue to move forward; they should never clash with one’s core values. Every decision has consequences. Live life so that you are comfortable with the outcome of your choices. Harmony in interpersonal relationships results in limited chaos or second-guessing.

Be responsible for your own actions. Responsibility is having the ability to control how you respond. Be proactive rather than reactive. Do not allow outside circumstances dictate your decisions or you’ll find yourself heading to the burnout trap. When reverses and lapses occur, rethink and keep moving toward being your authentic self.

Make time for your. Set an appointment with you and honor it just as you would any other important meeting. You need sufficient hours for your own relaxation and the things that you enjoy. Avoid the propensity to take care of everyone and everything while neglecting your own needs.

Celebrate successes. Catch yourself doing “the right thing” and acknowledge your maturity. Those times you held your tongue rather than lashing out. When you acknowledged another’s personality differences rather than passing judgment. When you chose to listen and empathize rather than assume.

Learn from failures. Robert F. Kennedy said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” There is no shame in failing or making mistakes. Do not dwell on setbacks; learn from them and move on. Everyone has baggage. The goal is to jettison your ego-imposed guilt so you can grow.

As we acknowledge our humanness and put distance to the hurt or embarrassment or disappointment, “you can look back and find some humor in it.” That is emotional maturity.