Reflections on Our Fifty Years Together

In an otherwise bleak February there shines a bright spot where we as a nation celebrate love. During this Valentine’s season, may your heart be filled with love and compassion for all humanity, yourself included.
They say ‘love is blind’ but I’m not so sure. In reflection on our beginning 50 years ago, I saw Garland’s flaws. I just choose to overlook them. His quirks were just that – quirks - they weren’t big enough to detract from his being loveable. Not until they kept happening over and over. And no matter how hard I tried, he would not be fixed. Actually, neither would I. Guess that is part of our wonderful – yet dangerous – gift of a free will. Adjustment time. I had to ask and answer some hard questions.

Attraction plays a large part in getting a couple together but attraction will not keep a couple together. Staying together takes the maturity of one fabulous and flawed individual getting along reasonably well with another fabulous and flawed individual. It requires patience, long-suffering, forgiveness, fun, commitment, history, grace, respect, cooperation, loyalty – all the finer ingredients of love. Love is about giving and receiving, never taking. Love for the long haul needs to remain a little blind.

I am humbled by Garland’s love. When I am honest with myself I know what I can be like. And yet, he stays with me. We love each other in spite of as well as because of. Garland’s strength offset my shortcomings and my strength offset his shortcomings, which works for the good of the whole. That is when we work with it rather than oppose it. Being rubbed the wrong way helps to smooth out rough edges and perfect strengths.

So what’s the formula? Make love last by knowing that God, the Master Matchmaker, had a hand in getting you together. Also know that an individual’s free will is a major factor in staying together – and in liking it. Choice is a big deal in liking your mate and in being thankful for your relationship. See his worth and value beyond the everyday irritants. Lovingly overlook those continuing quirks that you’ve unsuccessfully tried to change (think Edith and Archie Bunker). Negotiate. Get along anyway. Choose to love. Know that giving and receiving is a two-way street; keep the pavement smooth.

However our paths have crossed, thanks for your blessings and well wishes. Your friendship has made our journey sweeter. Thank you for reading my blog or books. I appreciate the opportunity to share with you my insights for peaceful living. Take any of the ideas that may touch your heart and make them your own.

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles. www.monadunkin.com To schedule training or life coaching contact Mona at monadunkin@gmail.com or 254-749-6594.

Getting Even

No one likes being treated unfairly. Holding on to negative memories, as Author Eknah Easwaran suggests, “crowd together and form a mob”. This mob-like mentality contributes to resentment as well as unkind behavior. All-too-often the response and outcome is one of the following:

Natural Response and Unintended Consequences
Get even - Does not even the score/offense and makes you just as bad as
Revenge - Injures another and puts you below him and eventually destroys you
Hate - Puts you below your enemy and boomerangs onto you.
Ignore - Gives you a one-upmanship attitude of arrogance and self-righteousness.
Pity - Victimization. Sets you up to be used and abused again and again.

Aretha Franklin sang, “What the world needs now, is love, sweet, love. That’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.” Certainly a show of love to an offender is to forgive. To ‘get even” in a way that is beneficial for offended and offender.

Supernatural Response and Result
Forgive - Sets you free. Releases the offender to see his/her wrongs and allows for needed restitution

Why not take the high road to getting even? Rather than focusing on the perpetrator’s shortcomings, choose to think back on his/her good qualities. Acknowledge that everyone is flawed and fabulous; the offender as well as yourself. The idea is to literally change one thought for another thought.

Just as a carpenter uses a smaller nail to drive out a large one, so too we can use a positive thought to drive out a negative one. Take a step beyond positive thinking to re-thinking our common humanity. Take one’s self out of the middle of the conflict and become an objective observer that sees pluses and minuses on both sides. And graciously give the benefit of the doubt.

This strategy may take practice and I think you will find it well worth the effort.

Here’s a hint: Switch your verbiage from “It’s so hard” to “It’s not easy”. Say those two phrases out loud and monitor your body’s response. Seeing it as “so hard” tenses for the difficult, whereas “it’s not easy” relaxes and seems doable.

Set a mental watch to be aware of your thoughts. When you start to slide into old patterns, early awareness keeps you from going all the way back to square one. Eventually, ‘square one’ gets closer; say, ‘square 9’! And all your relationships are more harmonious.

Note: This approach has broad applications – to yourself, others in generals, to those in particular, to your problems, to your work, to health, to the world as a whole…. You get the idea. And may your song of love be sweet.

Forgiving the Past and Moving On

 

New Years and  “Auld Lang Syne” - the song about choosing to let bygones be bygones and to get on with life while choosing to value the personhood of the individual.

Often we hear “just forgive and forget,” yet I suggest that the human spirit is incapable of forgetting severe hurts and indiscretions of the past, whether done to you or committed by you.  So what can we do? 

 

Make restitution where possible.  Some times an apology does wonders for healing the past.  I have seen instances where people have carried regrets and grudges for almost a lifetime, only to find restoration at the very end.  It is never too late, but why wait so long?  Whom do you need to contact today and apologize to?  Whom do you need to release today from hurts?

 

Prayer the universal prayer: “Lord, I ask that you forgive and release all those who have hurt and harmed me.  I pray that you forgive and release all those whom I have hurt and harmed.” 

 

Pay for it.  I do consulting work for a Federal Prison transitional housing and every week meet people who are paying for their past through fines and incarceration.  Some hold on to the proclamation of injustice. Those who see the justice in it have a newfound peace and a new foundation upon which to built and restore relationships. 

 

“People tend to see only the stubble fields of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they have brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity.”  Dr. Victor Frankl in Man’s Search for Significance

 

Redeem it.  At least to a degree.  Redeem comes from two Latin words combining “back” and “again”.  Hence, to redeem is to buy back, or to retain a possession, or to fulfill a promise.  It is to be rescued from wrongs and its heavy price. The thief can become an honest productive citizen. The lazy person can become productive.  The unscholarly can return to school.  

 

I saw a movie where an absent father became a doting grandfather.  When the hurt son asked why his father was now being so attentive, the man replied, “I feel God has given me another chance.”  In the process, the father and son formed a closer relationship with each other and with the lad. 

 

Forgive it.  And forgive yourself in the process.  Do not waste time and energy on unresolved issues.  Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  Let go of the past, good and bad, and move into freedom.  It takes courage to be an overcomer.  It takes timidity to hide and to place blame. 

 

Forgiveness is to know your worth and value regardless of the infraction by you or against you. Forgiveness is to quit rehashing the event and re-feeling the emotions. Forgiveness is to give up your right to get even for having been hurt or misunderstood.

Forgiveness is a great way to start 2014.  Happy New Year. 

 

Need trainer?  Mona Dunkin leads individuals and companies to greater levels of success. Contact her at mona@solutionprinciples.com  View training topics at www.monadunkin.com

Living the Lord's Prayer: Forgiving and Being Forgiven

You know the passage. “And forgive us our debts; for we also forgive everyone that is indebted to us.”

This is part two of And God Remembered Noah. Last month I reviewed a conference in which Linda Crawford was the main speaker (our own Anchor Publisher). It was an excellent combination of entertainment and friends and worship and singing and fun. And catharsis.

Linda’s asked us to call to mind a particular person where forgiveness was needed and to address this issue through completing a pre-printed fill-in-the-blank letter - not to send to the individual; but to lay at the foot of the cross.

Some things present a real conundrum. We think we have forgiven someone “indebted to us” yet continue to have hard feelings toward the offender. Or to hold ill will?

And what’s more, even though we want to believe that we know that God has forgiven us for whatever we did or did not do, we retain an ongoing guilty feeling of being unforgiven.

Fact is a fact regardless if we believe it or not. The fact is that God, in his nature of pure love, forgives us whether we ask him to or not. In his forgiving nature he woos us to himself for healing.

Feelings, on the other hand, can be factual but more often than not our feelings are fleeting and fickle and just plain false. Forgiving and being forgiven are deep-rooted issues.

There are matters I have acknowledged and chosen to forgive and have found complete freedom and peace. There are other areas where – even though the prayer and the choice were made - the layering of hurt goes all the way to the core. The wound still lingers. And I often do not even know it.

One of the phrases in Linda’s fill-in-the-blank letter hit a sore spot. "I only wanted to hear you say..."

That thought remained with me days later.

Since I think and pray best at a keyboard, I sat down at my computer and began to name those people who had hurt me. I realized that what I had wanted to hear – but didn’t - was what was keeping the puss pocket in my wounded spirit.

I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me.

I wanted to hear you say you understood.

I wanted you to acknowledge that you remembered what you did.

God is intimately involved in our individual story. As we prayerfully reenter into the haunting event, he comes alongside to do a job on you. What job; the job of transforming us through forming his mind within us (Phil. 2:5).

He heals our wounded childish psychic by silently whispering, “I AM proud of you.”

He restores our remorseful heart by fully and completely understanding our point of view and motive whether we were right or wrong, good or bad.

He mends disconnect by affirming, “I remember what happened to you and I love you regardless.”

Every cell in our body knows truth and longs for it. It is okay to have your needs met. If not met earlier, then now is the perfect time.

What are some things you have needed to hear?

I’m so glad you were born.

I am so happy you are a girl.

I am so happy you are a boy.

You are perfect just the way you are.

Don’t try so hard. You'll get it.

It’s okay to have a down day.

You’re doing a good job.

It hurts when you are overlooked, doesn’t it.

I cannot explain how God talks to us inside our head, but somehow we sense his presence and he presents possible solutions and there is clarity of thought and struggles calm down and peace reigns.

Maybe he speaks to us through his inaudible love language of forgiveness.

And God Remembered Noah

I attended a spring conference hosted by High Point Church where Linda Austin Crawford, The Anchor Publisher, was the main speaker. It was great. It was an excellent combination of fellowship, food, fun and worship.

Linda’s talk centered on forgiveness. In teaching the multitudes, Jesus noted that offenses would occur. That is a given. Whether or not the offense was deliberately perpetrated or whether it was our perception, being offended is a part of the human experience.

Jesus also talked about choosing to forgive. Even to forgive repeated offenses. Even to be as extreme as choosing to forgive an offender 490 times (70X7)! To wit the apostles pleaded, “Increase our faith!”

Linda’s teaching involves the etymology of words – what they meant originally and what they have come to mean through use. Case in point is a “mustard seed tree”.

The underlying message is that something so small (seed) can grow quickly and spread to mammoth proportions. Whether or not the tiny seed is an offence that spreads to fill one’s soul with puss pockets of unforgiveness or if it is the tiny seed of the Word of God that spreads hope and healing to a wounded spirit.

Both are cultivated through remembering.

Failure to forgive self or others is fostered through remembering; keep in mind, dredge up, harked back to.



Pain is compounded to a victim when she gains courage to confront her abuser and he doesn't remember (will not acknowledge an indiscretion). Our pain would not be healed if we were courageous enough to seek God's comfort and he did not remember.

And God remembered Noah.

To remember has variations of meaning. What may be true in one stance may not be true in another. God's not remembering our past does not mean his forgetfulness but rather that he does not hold our past against us.

Noah may have thought he was forgotten, but not so. God never promised us protection from the storms of life. He never promised us passage through the storms of life. He promised us his presence in the midst of the storms of life. God’s presence is there for whatever is needed, either to comfort and sustain or to convict and convince.

Whether we are the victim or the victimizer, God remembers and He loves us and woos us in spite of.

Our past does matter - the good and the bad - it is just not paramount. The past does, to a degree, color our personality; it just does not determine our today or our tomorrows.

Forgiving and being forgiven are deep-rooted issues. Not to worry, God remembers. Choosing to forgive – even taking a baby step in that direction - increases our faith. Remember that.

Overcome Taking Things Personally

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

At a potluck dinner a woman’s contribution was several gallons of unsweetened tea.  A man in the line sarcastically asked, “What, did they not sell sweet tea?” 

 

The woman took it personally and became offended. The comment was more about the man than it was about the woman.  It showcased his selfishness of wanting things catered to his likes and his apparent laziness of adding sweetener.  It was more about him until she intercepted it and made it about her.

 

Taking things personally is agreeing while disagreeing and becoming upset. It is a selfish response that assumes everything is about you.  When you make it all about you, then you feel the need to defend yourself. Or go prove the other person wrong by trying to impose your way of seeing things onto them.  This produces conflict.  Even if it seems directed at you - “What did you do to your hair?” - maybe it is not about you.  Maybe she is having a bad hair day and taking it out on you.  Take yourself out of the middle with a neutral, “Sorry” or “Yea, I know.” 

 

By choosing not to take the comment personally, you are in a position to honestly evaluate if it is truth or not.  If the comment is untrue, choose to overlook it and pleasantly change the subject. If it is true you still have choices.  On the positive, you see the offender as helping you grow; you acknowledge the wound and determine steps for self-improvement.  On the negative note, you embrace the wound and add to your victim status.  You view the offender as keeping you down.

 

A friend of mine has greatly improved his relationship with this family as well as his own well-being.  How? He chooses to see their criticism as a misdirected way of showing love.  After all, criticism is a disconnecting way of making a request. 

 

Why be offended by truth?  For example, suppose someone calls you fat.  If you are not fat, you can more easily see how the offensive remark is more about the other person than about you. She is hurling attacks in a misdirected way of trying to make you look bad and her look good. If you are fat, why be offended by the truth?  Did the statement really make you aware of something you did not already know? 

 

Taking things personally is suffering for nothing.  Evaluate: Did you take the comment personally because the statement hit a sore spot? Perhaps it highlighted a habit you are not disciplined enough yet to correct?  Perhaps it was because of a bur in the relationship. If your best friend had comment about your hair, how would you have responded? 

 

It really is all about you.  In the unsweetened tea example, the man could have picked up a packet of sweetener and said nothing about only one option of tea.  The woman could have nicely handed him a packet of sweetener and said nothing about the comment. Although we can choose not to take comments personally, a pleasant outcome to a negative situation is more about us than it is about them. 

Truth or Dare

Lily Tomlin, portraying five year old Edith Ann, was a regular feature in Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In TV series (1967–1973).  Edith Ann sat in a huge rocking chair and recounted outlandish adventures from her childish point of view. Each segment was ended with her looking directly into the camera and boldly proclaiming, “And that’s the truth!”

Life tickles our funny bones. The comedy in Lily’s skit came from the audience’s knowing that Edith Ann’s truth may not have been quite like she saw it. We find humor in situations with which we identify. And sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves. To see our foibles. To recognize our shadow side.

 

Only sometimes life breaks our hearts. The heart ache is not from seeing truth, but from refusing to be set free by the truth we see. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to.

 

Feelings don’t tell you the truth; they just tell you what you feel. Beliefs don’t tell you the truth; they just tell you what you believe. And what you believe is your best guess at what is real. Our best guess at reality is conditioned by the society in which you live. 

 

Society doesn’t tell you the truth; society goes with fads, trends or the in-thing.  Your thoughts don’t tell you the truth; they just try to tell how you measure up to society’s dictates. Or not. Circumstances don’t tell you the truth. No matter how real they seem to be they are really your thoughts trying to prove to you that your beliefs and your feelings and your viewpoints are truth.

 

So what does tell you the truth? Life.

 

Life demonstrates truth. Life is not prejudice. Life tells us the truth whether we can handle it or not. Rain or drought or hurricanes or tsunamis falls equally on the just and on the unjust.

 

Life reveals whether our actions are plume or not. It matters not if one is a skilled iron worker or a nuclear scientist or an adventurous roof-scaling child, the truthful law of gravity shows itself to always be accurate.

 

When feelings are bruised, look deep inside to see if you really are a fool or if maybe you just did a foolish thing.  Big difference.  When your thoughts bring increased frustration or anger or sadness or instability then maybe it is time to challenge what you believe. Does it hold water? How’s it working for you?  When circumstances are less than ideal, look deep inside to see what lesson life is trying to teach you. Obey the rules of the road and the chances of speeding tickets, wrecks or traffic violations are greatly diminished.

 

Listen to your internal moral compass and obey its directions. BUT NOTE: it speaks quietly, softly, gently. It must be tuned into in order to be heard. It must be given space in order to grow.  It must be proven in order to stand firm. 

 

Need a Life Coach?  Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mona@monadunkin.com   

Forgiveness: You and the Past

 

How can something from the past continue to be so hurtful?

It continues to be hurtful because it is not really over. Even though it may have happened weeks or years ago - if it has not been settled in your mind and heart and emotions - then it is still a fresh wound today. You are reliving yesterday today. The burr is still there. Although the person may be gone - through separation, divorce or death - the unfinished business looms in your present-day reality.

 

Why is it so difficult to be willing to forgive? Could it be the mistaken idea that to forgive the offender lets him off the hook?  Choosing to forgive lets you off the hook of being the one who is responsible for his punishment. Choosing to forgive is giving all consequences to a higher authority - civic, federal, God. Giving the judgment phase to a higher authority may include your reporting and testifying.

 

Some feel guilty because - having proclaimed forgiveness - the memory and the pain linger. There are some offenses that, although forgiven, would be egregious to forget. There are some offenses that, once forgiven, are no longer worth remembering.   

 

My mom had been deceased six years before I made my peace with her. The reasons for my wounds are irrelevant. I had held on to them so they were still fresh. They were also affecting my current relationships. 

 

Psychologists say that our raw emotions react to someone. What we don’t know is that the person against whom we are reacting is - in reality - a mirror reflecting us to us.  The tender spot is trying to awaken us to something we have done (present or past; deed or thought) to someone. This nightmarish insight is our friend. It is a manifestation of something within us that has come to show us what we are like so we can take care of it. So we can make friends with our humanness. So we can be healed.

 

Are there some things you wish you could move past? Allow the pain to remind you that your evolution isn’t finished yet. That you are being call to a place of offering forgiveness so you can find healing.

 

There are two types of guilty people.  There are the guilty who acknowledge their wrongs, make restitution, are forgiven, redeemed and are restored. There are the guilty that fail to see anything wrong with their actions. We all fall into this category.

 

Ho'oponopono is a beautiful Hawaiian prayer that helps one take personal responsibility for whatever shows up in life.  “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” 

 

“I’m sorry.” This expresses compassion for you. I am so sorry that while doing the best I could, something happened to hurt me and I created this reactionary behavior as a coping mechanism. I am so sorry this has become my default-handling-hurts position.

 

“Please forgive me.” Please forgive me for those whom I have hurt or harmed in thought, word or deed. Please forgive me for harboring unkindness and hurt toward those who have hurt or harmed me in thought, word or deed. Please forgive me for forgetting how much God loves me - and you. 

 

“I love you.” (This portion is directed mutually to you, to the offender and to all humanity.) I love you for being the person God is creating you to be. I love you for recognizing the need to explore this area for your continued growth. I love you for the gifts you are bringing to the world.

 

“Thank you.” Thank you for showing me that I am ready to release anger and unforgiveness. Thank you for the challenges that propel us to awaken to the beauty of the world and of people. Thank you that when I release me, I also release those who offend me so they, too, can be healed. 

 

It is easier to choose to forgive another when we receive the reality that we are forgiven and that we are loved and loveable.

The Freedom of Anger Resolution

Life hurts.

A physical wound heals through proper attention of cleansing, ointment and time. So too with an emotional hurt. Only the proper attention is not to nurse, curse and rehearse.

Thought is reflected in the body as emotion. Thoughts may not be conscious, but emotions are. As the negative thought is replayed, one stays emotionally overwrought (raw). Lack of perspective unconsciously causes one to identify with his emotions and that emotion becomes “you”.

Emotion is the body’s reaction to thought. Hostile thoughts build up energy in the body that is experienced as anger. The more one identifies with his thoughts (likes, dislikes, judgments and interpretations) the stronger the emotional energy charge.

Some things are so painful the only way to handle it is through denial. An important function of the mind is to remove emotional pain, thus the confused flurry of mental activity and the need to deny reality. Emotional pain is lessened through reflection that brings resolve.

Resolution involves opening the mind to consider all sides of an issue; to be willing to see the pros and cons of all parties involved. Resolution brings things to an end. Problem solved. Resolution declares the conflict is over.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: It takes one to resolve, two or more to reconcile.

The resolution within yourself frees you in several ways:
1) It frees you to be civil toward the offender.
2) It frees you to be open to your part in the conflict.
3) As your attitude sets a gracious atmosphere, it frees the offended/offending party to be receptive to your insights.
4) It paves the way for reconciliation.
5) It strengthens you to live peacefully with unresolved issues.
6) It promotes overall spiritual and physical health.
7) It gives you courage to set boundaries and/or to respect boundaries.
8) It builds tenacity within to embrace a spirit of forgiveness to self and others.

When we cease to draw identification from the pain, we are freed to be free. We are freed to find resolve whether through action or inaction. We are freed to experience love, joy and peace. Love, joy and peace transcend emotions all the way to the state of being.

Don't Cope. Overcome. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Forgive yourself for things you did do as well as things you did not do. Forgive yourself for things you said as well as things you did not say. Do it today.

The Beauty of Spring Time and Love

Winter is passing and the promise of spring is showing in small ways. It is enough to give hope that we can soon dig into flowerbeds and plant gardens and see new life budding forth.

The same is true of love; it ebbs and flows even in the most sturdy of relationships.

There is purpose in day and night and seasons and years; their continuation – the same yet ever changing – speaks life messages to those attuned to hear. January ended with Auld Lang Syne – to choose to forgive and move past. Choose to let bygones be bygones - while simultaneously choosing to value the personhood of the individual.

February celebrates love. Know this – sweetheart or no sweetheart - you are loved.

Some people are not so easy to love. Some people – although easy to love – are not so easy to get along with. God is love. In love God created you and I in his image. Every child, regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception, is brought into being from a source of pure love. This infinite, unadulterated love becomes distorted when exposed to our toxic world and tainted relationships.

Perhaps we long for love like what is pictured in Victorian Valentines or Elizabeth Browning poetry. We all have quality-world pictures in our mind that we try to bring into real-life focus. The human heart beats the same whether in the 1st Century or the 21st Century, before or beyond. We really do all face the same issues, just in different flavors.

What if all things really do work together for good? Could it be that the difficult person – you or me – acts out unconsciously to demand the emotional love and nurturing of which we feel deprived? We can easily miss love if we are pre-occupied by responsibilities or activities or a seeming lack of appreciation. We cannot make the sun rise; but we can be awake to experience it. We cannot make seeds grow, but we can plant and nurture. We can choose to be awake to express it and to be open to receive even those clumsy small tokens of gratitude.

Take a moment to assign a number to each infraction from one to ten; with one being an irritation and ten being a crisis. You may find that - once you analyze the stack attack – then the ordinary-day-to-day stressors have less impact than you think. Example: The frustration you assigned to your mate may be a ten, and upon reflection of over-all value of the relationship, reduce the time-attention-demands to an easier to handle five.

Don't Cope. Overcome. You are loved completely by God. Embrace the love that has surrounded you from the moment of your conception. Love yourself and one another as a unique child of the same Father who loves us all. Whether we avoid the downfall initially or whether we overcome, it is all "Thanks be to God." It is as simple – and as difficult – as that.

Need a speaker? Contact Mona at mona@solutionprinciples.com. You’ll be glad you did?

"Why" and "Why Not?"

The answer to “Why” is and always has been one of two reasons:
· “Because it seemed like a good idea at the moment.”
· “Because all the conditions were met for it to have happened.”

The answer to “Why not” is and always has been one of three reasons:
· “Because s/he did not think of that at the moment and you were not there.”
· “Because s/he thought of it and decided against it.”
· “Because all the conditions were not met for it to have happened.”

Simplistic? No. Simplistic is to see things from only one-dimension. Simplistic is the failure to acknowledge the countless variables that goes into every-single-solitary interaction.

Suppose you went home to find that your dwelling had been completely destroyed. Finding out “why” – a fluke tornado, a misdirected wrecking ball, an explosion - may bring some peace of mind. The fact remains that the damage has been done and the next step is moving forward.

Searching for “why” or “why not” will not rebuild the house/relationship. It impedes progress. To clean up the mess begins by regaining your stability, by finding the courage within you to do your part in rebuilding the structure or restoring the relationship.

To continue searching for “why” or “why not” comes from failure to accept what happened or what did not happen. It comes from the heart of a griever. It comes from something you want to cry about.

We cannot move past what we have not embraced. We do not have the liberty to throw away that which we do not own. So acknowledge the hurt and own your emotions. Then step into the renewal of today and be pleasantly surprised when peace shows up.

Work on developing relationship. That is not to say that the past will never be discussed. It is to say that past discretion will consciously and deliberately be set aside while emotions are healed and relationship is rebuilt. And be pleasantly surprised when forgiveness shows up. You will know when the past is not worth remembering.

Whenever offends comes you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy and emotions for retaliation or for resolution? You can’t do both. What do you choose? Why not?

What would you like discussed? Let me hear from you. 

Addressing Anger Issues

Encounters with others is always need vs. need that can result in anger producing situations. The primary need in addressing anger is to be responsive rather than reactive. Respond to the need rather than react to the imposition (demand, offensive behavior, rotten personality).

Be proactive by investing time each morning to set yourself up for a great day. Personally, if I do not invest meditation time in the morning I am much less capable of being the person I want to be for the rest of the day.

There is an endless supply of all that is necessary to become whole. Take five minutes and pray it forward. Five minutes in the morning spent in meditation is enough to guarantee that God will be in charge of your thoughts throughout the day, to convince or to commend but never to condemn. Serious meditation in the morning gives you a different nervous system for the entire day; a nervous system that exchanges and transforms alchemy.

Anger is not necessarily situational. The situation triggers a stuck emotion and goes directly to the ego where the false sense of self takes over. Anger emerges at inappropriate times when issues have not previously been addressed and settled. Wayne Dyer defines ego as “Edging God Out”. To the ego, pain is a peak experience. Emotions are powerful; powerfully destructive when ego driven.

What you are angry about is really something you want to cry over. Or something you want to be protected from (something that scares you). Anger manifests when ones nervous system does not have an area for lower emotions to be transformed into higher emotions. Just as the lungs inhale carbon dioxide and exhales carbon monoxide, so too the heart can be prepared to be an exchange system from acting out in anger to assertively setting appropriate boundaries.

Light dispels darkness. Truth weakens the shadow side. Recognize what takes you to anger, fear or cynicism. Look behind that. Look for: “What am I really scared of?” “What is behind my sadness? “What is the issue behind my self-doubting?”

Failure to take darkness to the light is a failure to survive. Taking the darkness to the light is a very spiritual journey. When light dispels the darkness you are in a compassionate position to “be angry and sin not”. Light strengthens the immune system. You can get angry enough not to take it anymore and to stand up for self (and others) in a meek yet powerfully loving way.

"Be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath,

neither give place to the devil." Ephesians 4:26-17

“The devil is in the detail.” The proverb above seems to suggest that you have twenty-four hours to settle it. Otherwise the devil gets involved and the anger simmers and thickens and gets hotter and hotter. Settling is multi-faceted. We’ll look at that in future articles.

The Meaning of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

We often struggle with the idea of forgiving someone because the meaning of forgiveness is misunderstood. Forgiveness does not involve condoning the offense. Forgiving is a critical element in moving past the hurt so the transgression does not hold power over one’s life.

Forgiveness does not mean that the offender’s slate is wiped clean with no need of justice. It does mean that the dispensing of justice is out of your hands; that you are not the prosecutor, judge, jury and executioner. It is to give reckoning over to a higher power (administrative and spiritual).

To forgive does not mean forgetting. The hurt may be so deep it is emotionally and psychologically impossible to forget. An offense may be so egregious that even the thought of forgetting is equally offensive. No, not to forget, but to stop dwelling on, to quit rehashing the event and re-feeling the emotions; to stop nursing, rehearsing and cursing past wounds. It is to choose to put an end to the misuse of valuable time and fragile energy on unresolved issues; issues that are out of your hands.

To forgive is to choose to speak about the breach only to bring resolve or to receive wise counsel. It is to stop keeping the offense alive and growing alive by using it as a weapon. To do so keeps the wound open and engenders estrangement. Perhaps, in time, it is to look at the problem together for healing and growth; to build a bridge of understanding.

Forgiveness does not mean that trust is automatically restored. Trust is fragile and once broken takes work for restoration. Forgiveness lays the groundwork to give another change (within reason). After all, who has not made a promise and failed to follow through. Trusting takes a healthy dose of skeptical believing in self as well as in others. Rebuilding of trust involves talking about the infraction, giving and receiving forgiveness and making plans to prevent it from happening again. When someone repeatedly breaks trust you need to trust what that behavior is showing you.

Forgiveness is a calm, quiet decision to release you from self-destructive bitterness. It equips you to release a deceptive right to wrong someone for having hurt you; to rise above the unhealthy need for power of being right or getting even.

Forgiveness is an internal job spawned by a heavy heart that longs to be lighter. Forgiveness is a personal decision that can be given whether asked for or not. To forgive involves only one person - you; restoration requires two or more. Forgiveness means you recognize your own worth and value regardless of what another has done to you or said about you.

It takes courage to be an overcomer. Forgiveness is a profoundly deep spiritual experience. To forgive does not mean that what was done to you was okay, it does means you have been angry long enough. You are not letting the other person off the hook, you are setting self free.

Please let me hear from you. 

Refusal to Forgive

“Now you have to decide if you want a life of bitterness, or to be set free.”
Jeanne Marie Laskas

To forgive is an emotional decision. Contrary to some line of thought, forgiving does not mean forgetting. The offense may so deep it is emotionally and psychologically impossible to forget. An offense may be so egregious that even the thought of forgetting is equally offensive.

Yet, to hold on to the bitterness and resentment harms you physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and relationally. Refusal to forgive is to hold on to the grudge with a magically idea that you will thus be protected from future hurts.

Refusal to forgive is hidden behind hate and mistrust; wrapped in an ugly package of justification and rationalization. It sets you up for anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness that festers and eventually spews over into all relationships, not just the one(s) you refuse to forgive. Choosing to forgive is banishing an unwelcomed “renter” from your psyche and mind chatter.

Refusal to forgive effects major harm to your mental-health through preoccupation with disturbing thoughts that leads to depressing. It is a self-sentence to loneliness, distrust and misery. Physically the body produces stress hormones thus weakening the immune system and increasing susceptibility to viruses and disease.

One’s spiritual life is also harmed as a result of the refusal to forgive. C. S. Lewis said that the wrongs of life seems to prove that God is not good. Of course that is a lie.

Here are some thoughts in choosing to forgive:

1. Make a list of the hurts in your life. This is not to dwell on them, but to acknowledge so you can choose to release. Things you did or did not do as well as things that were done to you. Beliefs or teachings you acted on that you now regret. Include slights, injustices, labels, judgments and rejections. Write the experience in detail, saying what you wish you would have said or done at the time – good or bad.
2. Realize that people act out of their own hurts and pain. Regardless how you have been treated, know that you are a person of infinite worth and value with dignity and principles.
3. Revisit the pain through eyes of compassion for yourself and allow God to re-parent you and to comfort you.
4. Do the hard work of honestly looking at ways you may have been a part of the problem or exacerbated it. Value your feelings and insights. If appropriate, take steps to correct violated principles; to seek and/or to give forgiveness.
5. You may find it helpful to share your findings with a supportive person whom you trust implicitly, one who will be receptive and non-judgmental and not try to fix things for you or give advice.
6. Choose to give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Embrace peace. Smile. Laugh. Reach out again in love. Develop an attitude of ongoing forgiveness by choosing to not be offended.

Forgiveness does not eliminate past pain, it allows you to enjoy the present and build for the future. Choosing to forgive is not to tackle the impossibility of forgetting, but to forgo dwelling on past wounds. It is to be free.

Please leave your comments. Thanks.

Forgiving and Being Forgiven

As we enter spring and the Easter Season there seems to be two things that go hand in hand. The beauty of spring causes us to participate in planting and growing. The reality of Easter causes us to get personal with Jesus. Easter brings us face-to-face with how we feel about our family member Jesus.

On the cross Jesus cried, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Although transcribed only once in the Gospels, Bible scholars tell us the verb tense indicates the phrase was repeated over and over.

As the crowd jeered along the pathway, Jesus prayed, ““Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the spikes tore into his flesh, Jesus begged, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the soldiers gambled for his royal robe, Jesus urgently entreated, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

One might posture that the unbelievers knew what they were doing. Yes and No. It was a knowing-not-knowing. A knowing that your emotions are angry and filled with hate. A knowing that one wants to lash out and hurt another - maybe the one seen as causing the pain. A knowing of the lie behind “revenge is sweet”. A knowing of the immediate actions, but a not-knowing of the long range effects. A not-knowing of the hurt afflicted on others by default. A not-knowing of the burden of guilt of a selfish act.

Since Jesus ever lives to make intercession for us, even yet today he intercedes on behalf of you and me, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Forgive and forget. People are often reluctant to forgive, mistakenly thinking the offender is off the hook. Some feel guilty for not forgiving. Some have tried to forgive but think they have failed because they cannot forget. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness often makes things not worth remembering. There are thing that are completely forgiven that we would never want to forget.

Did God forget the cross? Jesus interceded for those crucifying him. Does that mean it was over and he forgot the whole incident? Certainly not! He transformed it from a thing of hurt into a thing of grace. God remembers the cross; not to strike back but to give salvation. He would never want to forget it because it was a hard-fought victory of mercy.

Are there some things you wish you could forget? Allow the pain to remind you that God’s work isn’t finished yet. That he is calling you to a place of offering forgiveness so you can find healing. Let it call you into the arms of Jesus, the one who truly understand pain, rejection and injustice. Allow beauty to spring forth from the scars. Allow God to transform your memories into a testimony of his grace.

It is easier to choose to forgive another when we receive the reality that we are forgiven.

Daily Thanks

Two things cannot occupy the same space.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to remain stressed when focused on being thankful. Your frustration with the inept co-worker eases as you mentally search for his/her positive qualities. The disgruntled mate seems less irritable as you appreciate his/her continued contribution to the family on a daily-thankless-basis. The childishness of a child is softened as you are thankful for the contribution of his innocent life.

It’s fact, not feelings. At the moment you may not feel grateful, but consider the alternative. No birthdays means no life. No messes means no opportunities to be responsible. No difficult relationships means no family, friends, neighbors or co-workers.

Eliminate negative thinking. Each time you feel negative, stop, acknowledge that thought and deliberately dismiss it. Look deeply to find the root of your emotion and consciously replace it with the greater truth of your potential. This practice is profoundly spiritual and life changing. Use it. Embrace it.

Adopt a spirit of forgiveness. To forgive or to not forgive, each has a powerful sway over your day-to-day existence. And it is a choice. True, it may be difficult to forgive. However, I suggest that it is also hard to not forgive.

Unforgiveness keeps one bound to the past. It sets you up for more hurts. Unforgiveness keeps you in misery. Would you not rather be happy?

Forgiveness does not mean condoning bad behavior nor does it render the offender free of justice. Forgiveness frees you of negativity. It gives you energy to enjoy life. It deepens your well of thankfulness.

Accept what is. Living in the present gives insight into the past and makes for more effective future decisions. The reason for this is because it adds depth. You begin to understand how yesterday touches today and connects to tomorrow.

Accepting what is lends to an unbiased assessment of what is working and what is not working. Failure to accept what is hinders the ability to make manageable improvements. Failure to accept what is magically expects things to improve in the future, while subconsciously doubting that it will happen. Failure to accept what is blinds you to the creative energy of solutions.

Having an “attitude of gratitude” serves you on a daily basis, 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, all the years of your life. Is there a downside to being thankful? I have not found one. Can you honestly think of an upside to focusing on the problem? I have not found one.

What if I am right? Isn’t it worth a try? A genuine expression of thanks for whatever shows up in your life contributes to ongoing happiness and improved relationships.

P.S. Don’t forget to connect with me.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Forgiving and Being Forgiven

As we enter spring and the Easter Season there seems to be two things that go hand in hand. The beauty of spring causes us to participate in planting and growing. The reality of Easter causes us to get personal with Jesus. Easter brings us face-to-face with how we feel about our family member Jesus.

On the cross Jesus cried, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Although transcribed only once in the Gospels, Bible scholars tell us the verb tense indicates the phrase was repeated over and over.

As the crowd jeered along the pathway, Jesus prayed, ““Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the spikes tore into his flesh, Jesus begged, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the soldiers gambled for his royal robe, Jesus urgently entreated, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

One might posture that the unbelievers knew what they were doing. Yes and No. It was a knowing-not-knowing. A knowing that your emotions are angry and filled with hate. A knowing that one wants to lash out and hurt another - maybe the one seen as causing the pain. A knowing of the lie behind “revenge is sweet”. A knowing of the immediate actions, but a not-knowing of the long range effects. A not-knowing of the hurt afflicted on others by default. A not-knowing of the burden of guilt of a selfish act.

Since Jesus ever lives to make intercession for us, even yet today he intercedes on behalf of you and me, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Forgive and forget. People are often reluctant to forgive, mistakenly thinking the offender is off the hook. Some feel guilty for not forgiving. Some have tried to forgive but think they have failed because they cannot forget. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness often makes things not worth remembering. There are thing that are completely forgiven that we would never want to forget.

Did God forget the cross? Jesus interceded for those crucifying him. Does that mean it was over and he forgot the whole incident? Certainly not! He transformed it from a thing of hurt into a thing of grace. God remembers the cross; not to strike back but to give salvation. He would never want to forget it because it was a hard-fought victory of mercy.

Are there some things you wish you could forget? Allow the pain to remind you that God’s work isn’t finished yet. That he is calling you to a place of offering forgiveness so you can find healing. Let it call you into the arms of Jesus, the one who truly understand pain, rejection and injustice. Allow beauty to spring forth from the scars. Allow God to transform your memories into a testimony of his grace.

It is easier to choose to forgive another when we receive the reality that we are forgiven.

An Attitude of Gratitude

It was the beginning of a new year and John Kralik saw nothing to look forward to. He was divorced, had strained relationships, a failing business and deep in debt. Desperate and alone, he hiked in the Angeles National Forest, Pasadena, CA. He took a wrong turn and became completely lost. It was just him and his self-condemning thoughts.

In the midst of his pity party, he heard a voice: "Until you learn to be grateful for the things you have," it said, "you will not receive the things you want."

Lamenting over former days of friends and family he surprised himself with his resolution. He decided to write a “thank you” note every day of the incoming year. Two years later, he credits that decision as being, “The year a simple act of gratitude changed my life.” John Kralik’s book, 365 Thank Yous, is a collection of the notes he wrote. (Hyperion)

Initially John’s notes were for gifts received or kindnesses expressed to him. He expanded it to remembering old friends and reconnecting with long-neglected family members.

Being thankful is a simple, yet profound act. Many times one voices “I have so much to be thankful for”, yet fails to enumerate the blessings, thus rendering the appreciation doubtful; as words spoken from rote rather than sincere gratification.

As a new year begins, take time to count and recount your blessings. Start with being thankful for your own life and the talents you have been given. A thankful attitude alone will mysteriously open doors previously closed.

See the people in your life with fresh vision. Look for actions and attitudes that are admirable rather than dwelling on the irritating qualities. Clean out those heavy things that weigh you down; things like unforgiveness, grudges, resentment and anger.

See potential benefit regardless of current circumstances. Things can change in the blink of an eye – from bad to good or from good to bad – and thankfulness makes every transition more gracious.

To date, John Kralik estimates he has written over 640 thank you notes. The resolution has become such a part of his nature he sees it as continuing indefinitely. May that become your legacy also.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

For Auld Lang Syne

New Years celebrations. One has probably attempted to sing Auld Lang Syne even if not knowing the words or the meaning. Basically, the song is an encouragement to remember – nay – to rekindle long ago relationships. The melancholy tune draws us into the sentimental moment. But it takes more than sentiment to prepare one’s heart to mend the past.

Life is fraught with misunderstandings. The details are less important than the resulting consequences. Once we settle into satisfying way to meet a need, it becomes difficult to change. When seen as “her/his fault”, then you think she needs to change. When one sees self as being right, he crosses the line into being the one who makes the offender change. When you demand someone to change to please you, the line is crossed into controlling. And the relationship suffers. Becomes fragmented. Strained.

Close yet far. The song speaks of once scaling mountains together and picking daisies, but now are distant weary travelers. Relationship tension knows no bounds. You can be close in proximity yet remote. Conversely, you can be thousands of miles apart, yet hold the offender in close disdain. Even death does not remove the discord.

God I’ve got a problem: It’s me. When I have been at odds with people, marriage, work or churches, God's all-encompassing wisdom to me has been: "Go and I will bless you. Stay and I will bless you. Go and you will have problems. Stay and you will have problems."

I take this to mean that I am a part of the problem as well as a part of the solution. But it takes work from all involved for there to be an amiable solution. Unfortunately, too many seek quick answers from their individual point of view.

Life is fair; whether we agree or not. There is a Master bookkeeper. Ultimately, whatever you plant, on purpose or by default, is what you receive.

Do it for kindness sake. “And there’s a hand my trusty friend! And give us a hand o’ thine! …We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.” For days of long ago. Be the initiator. Choose to forgive and extend compassion. Whether received or not, it will set you free. It allows you, as well as the departed, to rest in peace.

As you let go of pain or grudges you are elevated to new heights. You can enter the new-year with thoughtful benevolence for days of long ago and anticipation of today and the future. (Auld Lang Syne, Robert Burns’ Scotts version of James Watson’s poem, 1711)