The Greatest of These Is Love

February’s history is of being a month of love. I trust you receive lots of Valentines and special attention to celebrate the special person you are. You are unique and special and very loveable. Please believe it. Love is complicated.

My sister - in her high school days - was given a homework assignment to define love. She interviewed couples. Their advice ranged from the melancholy - “being able to see through each other and still enjoy the view”, to the cynical -“something sent down from heaven to aggravate the hell out of you.”

Love is complicated.

Which brings us to this article. The greatest of what is love? The Apostle Paul was looking at qualities valued in leaders and parents and ordinary folk like you and me. After a long discourse on being charitable – i.e. loving - he concluded with “And now abides faith, hope, charity, these three, but the greatest of these is charity.” (I Corinthians 13)

It’s all Greek to me. As if love was not complicated enough, we Americans use the word love to express our affection for everything from people to popcorn to places to puzzles to pets. The Greek language has different words for different loving emotions.

“Eros” (cupid) is the romantic love, “Philio” is friendship or brotherly love and “Stoic” is the kind of love for whatever is left over - things, places, activities, chocolate. There is also “Agape” love which is God’s kind. A love that is unconditional, eternal and healing.

Love, passive and active. The Hebrew language has two words for love and both are in the present active tense. “Ahab” is choosing to love from afar with the intent to pursue and to woo. Ahab love is hopeful. “Hessedh” is choosing to love and to keep-on-loving whether received or rejected. Hessedh love is steadfast and eternal.

Faith, hope, love. The Apostle Paul gave a benchmark for us mortals to use to measure our romantic and brotherly love. He said outrageous things such as; “Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not get puffed up or pouty. Love does not always have to have its own way. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.” (I Corinthians 13)
A flip of the coin. In meditating, I like to look at words from all sides. To observe the direct meaning as well as seeing what is inferred. One day in measuring myself by Paul’s love yardstick I noticed two phrases coupled together. “Love is long-suffering and is kind.”

It dawned on me that I had that long-suffering to a fine art. I could roll my eyes and sigh deeply and it was so obvious I was suffering in my patience. But Paul concluded with “and is kind.” Oh no! In my suffering, I was not so kind.

Give me a break. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I said out loud, “Surely You jest! Are You telling me You expect me to be kind to my mother-in-law?!” (Or mate, or child, or boss or neighbor; you fill in the blank. Especially when they….)

Another word for love is “charity”. “Charity” is used instead of “love” in that passage in the King James Bible translation. I like that. I find in some incidents that it is easier to be charitable than it is to be loving. I am learning to be kind to the lovely and the unlovely alike. To overlook bad attitudes and respond in kindness to irritants or rudeness or disrespect.

Charity begins at home. Garland and I married fifty-two ago February 24th. I am humbled by the fact that this guy loves me and keeps on loving me. Opposites attract. Over time, that refreshing opposite way of seeing life from the way you view life becomes stale. Irritating. Wrong. Often opposites attack. Let’s be charitable.

How to be charitable. The hormonal passive love of Eros and Ahab may draw a couple together, but it is the active, on-going, over-and-over choosing to love of Hessedh that keeps a family together. And it is the friendship of Phileo love and the fun-seeking-shared-interests of Stoic love that makes the relationship enjoyable. It grows into the love that “endures all things” – hardships, grief, difficulties – and “believes all things” – sees the good in the midst of the not-so-good. A love that is in it for the long haul. A commitment with no escape clause.

Fifty-two years and counting for me and Garland. It has been quite difficult at times. It has also been a wonderful, magical adventure and the road ahead looks promising. A love that lasts is one rooted in friendship and mutual respect.

It’s a lifetime and counting for genuine Agape love and me. Because I am the willing benefactor of God’s universal blessings and unconditional love, I am able to accept myself as I am and be charitable to others as they are.

America, Bless God

We have just celebrated another of America’s birthday with song, festivities and fire works. Most of us chime in with “God Bless America”, verbally as well as in chorus. And he has. And he does. And may he continue to bless our great country.

Francis Scott Key ended all four stanzas of The Star Spangled Banner with either a question of or a declaration for “the land of the free, and the home of the brave.”

Advertisers are apt at turning a phrase so a different slant sheds different intent. Or insight, as the case may be. I love the flag magnet on my refrigerator with the saying “Home of the free because of the brave.” I equally love the poster proclaiming “Home of the brave because we are free.” All three statements have a ring of truth. All three slants are meaningful.

All things in life are mysteriously, albeit intricately connected.

Being blessed is contingent upon blessing; blessing is subject to being blessed, and so forth and so on over and over again. Our forefathers blessed America as a country hallowed for freedom of religion, a place in which free enterprise can flourish, where all people are to be treated equally and established a government in which all of her citizens have a voice.

What if we, as Americans, on this “land that we love” and “from sea to shining sea” were to make it our mission to bless God? How can we, individually and collectively, bless God?

We bless God through acts of human kindness:
To self. Take care of you; it’s a very loving thing to do.
To others. Everyone is carrying a heavy load.
To those we know. They really are pretty special and need a little TLC.
To strangers. We are more alike than we are different; compassion goes a long way.

We bless God by choosing to be respectful to others while simultaneously behaving in a way that earns respect from them. Respect looks different to each of us. Focus on earning respect rather than deserving it.

We bless God by welcoming the “huddled masses yearning to breath free,” by valuing diversity and having a willingness to appreciate and incorporate differences. Most of us American born citizens have our ancestral roots in other soil.

We bless God by respecting planet earth. Go green. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Live within your income. Conserve natural resources. Replenish fallow land. History confirms that a broken land begets a broken people.

We bless God by having a thankful spirit. Being thankful in all things. Being thankful for all things. Not because on the surface all things are worthy of thanks, but because we become a happier and more productive person when we look for something in the situation for which to be thankful.

Be thankful, because of and in spite of.

IN SPITE OF…

Life, in spite of difficulties, is good.

Parents, in spite of their flaws, are honorable.

Mates, in spite of their differences, are blessings.

Children, in spite of the frustrations, are rewards.

Work, in spite of the hassle, is a gift.

Victory, in spite of the defeats, is sweet.

© Mona Dunkin 1986

America, in spite of her flawed inhabitants, is “the land that we love.”

Do You Love Me?

If you love me, keep my commandments. Jesus

• Love shows itself.
• Feed my sheep.
• Take out the trash.
• Clean up after yourself.
• Be punctual.
• Speak in a respectful manner.

Showing love goes hand-in-hand with the golden rule:

“Treat others the way you would like to be treated.” 

Respect is treating another as though you were the other person. Respect looks different to everyone. You know what respect looks like to your mate (child, boss, neighbor). Give what s/he wants not what you want in a similar situation.

Suppose your favorite dessert is chocolate cake and my favorite dessert is ice cream. Both of these delicacies are at my disposal but I choose to give you ice cream because I like ice cream with no regard to offering you chocolate cake.

One might protest.  “So. What’s wrong with that?”

One might argue that I treated you the way I wanted to be treated.

But did I really? Or did my preference supersede your liking?

I’m not talking about splitting hairs on minor matter; it’s just that little things lead to bigger things. The way we do one thing is the way we do everything. When we get real honest with ourselves, our heart knows what that means even though our mind may play brain-games.

Showing love is being selfless while maintaining a healthy self-love. It is manners dressed up in its Sunday best, even on grungy Friday. It is deliberately giving of respect to the one with irritating qualities.

Emotions are fragile. Love, trust and respect are easily broken and difficult to repair.

Star, our outside cat, loves to spend her days in the storage shed. She has a cozy warm bed to curl up in and a window ledge from which to observe the world. She has food and fresh water at her disposal.

One day a stray cat wandered into her sanctuary and disrespected her territory. She fled. She spent her days hidden in the culvert and nights in the tree top. Our cajoling failed to satisfy Star that her abode was safe.

Frustrated, I said, “Okay, Miss Independence, have it your way.”

Immediately my spirit was checked. It is my own independent spirit that draws me to liking cats! Yes, Lord, teach me to show my love to you by keeping your commandments rather than rebelling or running away hiding or doing it my way.

Eventually Star returned to the storage shed and purrs loudly when we approach.

I’m still working on being secure enough to allow God’s love to give me grace to respect others in keeping with his commandments. It starts and stops with me loving me (or not).

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. www.monadunkin.com mona@monadunkin.com

Put First Things First

In a cold February, Valentines and love celebration is a welcomed warm spot.

But what is love anyway?

• Is it a word we casually attach to people, pets, pleasures, places and provisions?
• Is it a fickle emotion we precariously fall into and out of?
• Is it something we take for granted?
• Is it something we demanded when it’s absent yet discounted when it’s genuine?
• Is love an illusion?
• Is love the only thing that is real?

Dr. William Glasser, founder of Choice Theory Psychology, identifies love as a genetic need that drives us to belong. Love is a physical and psychological need to fit in.

Love is a spiritual need that drives us to fit into our world. When loved the way we need to be loved, we are more whole and content. 

Love is the need for relationship. From the cradle to the grave life is all about relationship. No matter the venue – home, workforce, salesmanship, community, government, law enforcement, time, money, energy or breakthrough science like Albert’s Einstein’s theory of relativity, it is all about the state or quality of one thing relating to another.

• It is about one thing -you - relating to one thing - me.
• Love is about our relationship with those near and dear to us.
• Love is about our relationship a Supreme Being.
• Love is about our relationship with self; being comfortable in our own skin.
• Love is about our relationship with stuff (time, money, energy, possessions.
• Love is about our relationship with the rest of the world- as in the IT Tech in China, all the drivers in all the cars on the highway in this universe, all the workers in all the business in all the cities and townships, and all seven-point-two-billion souls on planet earth with unknown names and unseen faces.
• Love is about our relationship with theories, science,politics, religion, education.... the list is endless.

WOW. That’s a lot to relate to.

How do you cultivate a loving relationship? How do you nurture, develop and grow love for self let alone for all of humanity? How to you sustain love for those “near and dear to us” when they are flawed?

And that brings us to the title of this article: Put First Things First.

Put First Things First is actually habit #3 in Stephen Covey’s best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Covey says, “You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage- pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically, - to say “no” to other things."

We were a twinkle in God’s eye long before a spark in dad’s. God first loved us. As we receive God’s love and bask in the source of Love from which we came, our love tank becomes full and is continually topped off. In the overflow, we can effectively relate to others.

“When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving toward the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed, but increased. Second things are corrupted when they are put first.”
C. S. Lewis

Mona Dunkin, Solution Principles, Maximum People Development. Please remember us for your training needs. mona@monadunkin.com

Self Love

              "We shall not cease from exploration but at the end of all of our exploring will be to return to                 the placed from which we originated and to know it for the first time.” T. S. Eliot

You were a twinkle in God’s eye before you were ever a gleam in Dad’s. Eventually we return to the place of our beginning. Earth to earth; dust to dust, created to Creator. We go back to the source from which we came, back to the love of God.

So why wait? Just as the be-happy-attitudes are for today on planet earth as well as in the sweet-by-and-by, so, too, is a healthy earthly self-love.

Self-love is primal to physical and mental health and to spiritual well-being. Wireless technology and scientific discoveries confirm what mystics have known all along – we are all connected. From the vastness of the universe to the quantum iota of the atom, we are all connected.

Because God is Love, then you – his offspring – are love. And lovely. And loveable. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your conception, you were born from God’s womb of Love. Regardless of the condition of the parents – marital relationship, unloving sex, rape – you originated in God’s source of love.

Love is one of our greatest needs. Lovingly acts buds, blossom and bloom. Unloving acts that kinda resemble love may become distorted and perverted.

Failure to love and accept yourself is also failure to accept God’s special creation of you; the one with a totally unique fingerprint design.

Why is self-love so difficult? Is it because we know ourselves well enough to know that we have unloving thoughts and do unloving deeds? Is it because we reject the parts of us that are in pain? Or that causes pain?

“Consider the lilies of the field.”

Think about flowers. All have beauty yet some are poisonous and some have thorns. Some are planted and admired in the boundary of a garden, yet are considered weeds when they jump bounds.

Self love is accepting all sides of our personality. Each facet of who we are simultaneously play a part in our life lessons.

“Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.” Rumi

Live in the question, the wonder and the awe. Live in the not-knowing-yet-longing-to-know. Learning to love yourself is a baby-step to trusting the infinite wisdom that created you.

We can only draw to us what we are. As we receive God's Love that is our birthright, our genes expression alchemically changes and we become a new creation with a fidelity to the original.

You become who you really are; you become your best self.

Invite Mona to speak to your group or organization. mona@monadunkin.com