Happy Relationship Day

Happy Relationship Day!

Only most people call it Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s is a nice tradition with lovely sentiments. and I’m certainly okay with that. My stance is that Valentine’s Day - or at least TV and media ads - seem to isolate it to romantic love. And love is so much wider, deeper, higher, greater, funner and a bunch of other fulfilling descriptive words.

A Course if Miracles states that anything that draws love from you is of Divine origin. Which gives me pause when the neighborhood feral cat beats up on my kitten and I have equal compassion for the scruffy castaway.

Dr. William Glasser suggests that love and belonging is a basic genetic need of every living creature. And that all human misery, with the exception of abject poverty, living under tyranny and debilitating disease, is the result of unhappy relationships.

My definition of relationship is the ability to relate to and to relate with another, even if another is an other. As in other color, other class, other personality, other belief, other opinion. Since all eight-plus billion of us others are on this Planet-Earth Spaceship together, we might as well get along. After all, we are more alike than we are different.

I teach a class entitled “Getting Along With Difficult People, Whether You Know One or Are One”. It can be quite humbling to recognize our contribution to a miserable, difficult relationship. I had a gentleman tell me, “After taking this class, I need to apologize to everyone I have ever met.”

The bottom line is, we are all flawed and fabulous, which renders each difficult and wonderful.

A little compassion oils the get-along gear.

Even if you can’t reason with the feral bully. (Cat that is) The disagreeable one is still one of us others. The disagreeable one still has infinite worth and value as a human being, created in God’s image, a work of art with a Designer label.

Relating to and with another is found in common ground as well as uncommon ground. Every one has a story. Be open to sharing yours and listening to theirs. Ask relationship building questions; not to grill but to understand the sameness and differences. How monotone life would be if we all sang the same note. It’s the cacophony that makes music.

Who do you love this relationship month? Make it easy on yourself by starting with you and expand out. Remember the holy instructions to “love yourself as your neighbor.” That’s a like-to-like descriptive statement; as you love you, you are freed to love others.

Regardless of any dark circumstances surrounding one’s conception and upbringing, I suggest the union has a holiness to it. The office is untarnished. The child is innocent and came from the original system of divine love.

Whether the home produces benevolent leaders or malevolent dictators, all of us share in the propagation of love, light and darkness. The human condition is a complicated mix of good and not so good. Climbing to a higher plane is all ‘Thanks Be To God’. Relationship Day is a good place to start.

Let Us Give Thanks

 Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It is a time for us to pause and reflect on the things for which we are thankful.

For being born an American where we have certain unalienable rights and where we are free to exercise them, or to take them for granted, or to ignore them. I am thankful we have so many freedoms. Even though it has been abused and taken to extremes, I am thankful for free speech

I am thankful for the Pilgrims who braved an angry ocean and withstood seeming insurmountable hardships to blaze a country with freedom to worship according to the dictates of each one’s heart.

            I am thankful for our forefathers and the foresight and wisdom of our Constitution. Harpers Magazine, in 1858, published the fate of the signers of the Declaration of Independence: two had sons kidnapped; five were captured as British traitors; nine died on the battle field; twelve had their houses ransacked and burned; all suffered hardships, ridicule and rejection. All died with a clear conscience of having served their country well.

 I am thankful for my family…

            For parents who reared me to have character, integrity, security, freedom and roots. They taught me responsibility by allowing me to suffer the consequences of wrong choices.I am thankful for my brothers whose harassing taught me endurance and whose kidding taught me to laugh at life, and at myself.

       
         I am thankful for my sister whose unconditional love taught me to accept myself as I am, and whose tolerance of my childish acts taught me patience. I am thankful for my elderly aunt who, until her death at 96, taught me that life is fun at any age and worth living to the fullest.

            I am thankful for my husband whose encouragement has supported my dreams, whose strengths have complimented my weaknesses, and whose security with who he is has given me the freedom to remain who I am.

         I am thankful for our daughter whose sheer delight in life brings joy to my days and gives purpose to my existence. I am thankful for our son-in-law who has added a wonderful dimension to our family. I am thankful for our five grandchildren whose winning ways melt my heart and reestablishes hope for the future.

         I am thankful for assorted relatives who have touched my life in various ways – some good, some bad – but all uniting us as a family.

         I am thankful for friends. For acquaintances whose smiling greetings make casual encounters more fun; for neighbors whose comity lends unity to my corner of the world; and for those special comrades who laugh with me, cry with me, grow with me. I am thankful for each person who has touched my person in a unique way.

  I am thankful for the less obvious things…
 

           I am thankful for misunderstandings, because they teach me to strive to be a better communicator; for criticism, for it forces me to examine actions and attitudes of self-righteousness, and leads to repentance; for failures, because they make me appreciate successes; for adversity, because it is in the winter that roots grow deepest to find fresh nourishment; for financial reverses, because it helps me to be grateful for what I have.

          I am thankful for challenges that taxes every fiber of my being, for it forces me to grow in new directions. I am thankful for dreams, for ideas and for goals, for they keep me active and energetic and alive. I am thankful for a contented mind and a grateful heart.

Once a year we celebrate Thanksgiving. Everyday let us celebrate Thanksliving.

Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach. 254-749-6594

 

Action Steps to Change

The only thing permanent in life is change. Only, if you do not set the parameters for change, then someone else will do it for you. Take positive control of your life by applying the following action steps to change.

1. Make definite decision to change. Wishing and thinking and planning will not bring about change. Decisive thinking plus action will.

2. Recognize the positive about change. See change as good and embrace it. Focus on what you gain, rather than what you give up.

3. Picture it. Imagining is a powerful tool to bring thoughts into reality. See yourself with skills, abilities and attitudes you want to develop, then watch in wonder as they come into being.

4. Better late than never. We often fall into the trap of “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Yes you can! And it will add spring to his step and life to his years. Give change a chance to prove itself.

5. Get out of your own way. Assess how you are sabotaging your efforts. Get rid of the mentality of “I can’t help it. This is just the way I am.” No it is not. It is the way you have habitually and mentally become.

6. You will never know unless you try. So try! At the same time, remember, “Trying is lying”. So do not just try, actually do it!

7. Stop the insanity – apply the breaks. Evaluate how you are plunging head long into destructive habits or attitudes, put on the breaks and steer into another direction.

8. Use positive self-talk. Utilize the creative power of the spoken word. You cannot hold two conflicting thoughts at once. Let the positive override the negative.

9. Visualize change in increments and grow into it. Growth comes from the acceptance of our limitations.

10. The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are. When you respect yourself and others, there is no level of success you cannot attain. Learn to please you and allow God to release you from being a people pleaser.

11. Change and expect nothing in return. Why? Because you are doing it for you. Let the positive change be its own reward.

12. You do not have to go back to square one. When you fall, get up and go on.

13. Saying “No” is one area is saying “Yes” in another. “Yes” to power. "Yes" to empowerment. “Yes” to caring. “Yes” to loving. Yes” to responsibility. "Yes” to discipline. “Yes” to wholeness. “Yes” to healing. “Yes” to humility. "Yes” to clarity. “Yes” to consciousness. “Yes” to life.

Nothing grows without changing. Keep dreaming and keep saying “Yes” to change. Ray Kroc of McDonald’s fame said, “It is better to be green and growing than to be ripe and rotting.” Do not rot. Keep growing, and change is growth.

America, Bless God

We have just celebrated another of America’s birthday with song, festivities and fire works. Most of us chime in with “God Bless America”, verbally as well as in chorus. And he has. And he does. And may he continue to bless our great country.

Francis Scott Key ended all four stanzas of The Star Spangled Banner with either a question of or a declaration for “the land of the free, and the home of the brave.”

Advertisers are apt at turning a phrase so a different slant sheds different intent. Or insight, as the case may be. I love the flag magnet on my refrigerator with the saying “Home of the free because of the brave.” I equally love the poster proclaiming “Home of the brave because we are free.” All three statements have a ring of truth. All three slants are meaningful.

All things in life are mysteriously, albeit intricately connected.

Being blessed is contingent upon blessing; blessing is subject to being blessed, and so forth and so on over and over again. Our forefathers blessed America as a country hallowed for freedom of religion, a place in which free enterprise can flourish, where all people are to be treated equally and established a government in which all of her citizens have a voice.

What if we, as Americans, on this “land that we love” and “from sea to shining sea” were to make it our mission to bless God? How can we, individually and collectively, bless God?

We bless God through acts of human kindness:
To self. Take care of you; it’s a very loving thing to do.
To others. Everyone is carrying a heavy load.
To those we know. They really are pretty special and need a little TLC.
To strangers. We are more alike than we are different; compassion goes a long way.

We bless God by choosing to be respectful to others while simultaneously behaving in a way that earns respect from them. Respect looks different to each of us. Focus on earning respect rather than deserving it.

We bless God by welcoming the “huddled masses yearning to breath free,” by valuing diversity and having a willingness to appreciate and incorporate differences. Most of us American born citizens have our ancestral roots in other soil.

We bless God by respecting planet earth. Go green. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Live within your income. Conserve natural resources. Replenish fallow land. History confirms that a broken land begets a broken people.

We bless God by having a thankful spirit. Being thankful in all things. Being thankful for all things. Not because on the surface all things are worthy of thanks, but because we become a happier and more productive person when we look for something in the situation for which to be thankful.

Be thankful, because of and in spite of.

IN SPITE OF…

Life, in spite of difficulties, is good.

Parents, in spite of their flaws, are honorable.

Mates, in spite of their differences, are blessings.

Children, in spite of the frustrations, are rewards.

Work, in spite of the hassle, is a gift.

Victory, in spite of the defeats, is sweet.

© Mona Dunkin 1986

America, in spite of her flawed inhabitants, is “the land that we love.”

Addressing Anger Issues

Encounters with others is always need vs. need that can result in anger producing situations. The primary need in addressing anger is to be responsive rather than reactive. Respond to the need rather than react to the imposition (demand, offensive behavior, rotten personality).

Be proactive by investing time each morning to set yourself up for a great day. Personally, if I do not invest meditation time in the morning I am much less capable of being the person I want to be for the rest of the day.

There is an endless supply of all that is necessary to become whole. Take five minutes and pray it forward. Five minutes in the morning spent in meditation is enough to guarantee that God will be in charge of your thoughts throughout the day, to convince or to commend but never to condemn. Serious meditation in the morning gives you a different nervous system for the entire day; a nervous system that exchanges and transforms alchemy.

Anger is not necessarily situational. The situation triggers a stuck emotion and goes directly to the ego where the false sense of self takes over. Anger emerges at inappropriate times when issues have not previously been addressed and settled. Wayne Dyer defines ego as “Edging God Out”. To the ego, pain is a peak experience. Emotions are powerful; powerfully destructive when ego driven.

What you are angry about is really something you want to cry over. Or something you want to be protected from (something that scares you). Anger manifests when ones nervous system does not have an area for lower emotions to be transformed into higher emotions. Just as the lungs inhale carbon dioxide and exhales carbon monoxide, so too the heart can be prepared to be an exchange system from acting out in anger to assertively setting appropriate boundaries.

Light dispels darkness. Truth weakens the shadow side. Recognize what takes you to anger, fear or cynicism. Look behind that. Look for: “What am I really scared of?” “What is behind my sadness? “What is the issue behind my self-doubting?”

Failure to take darkness to the light is a failure to survive. Taking the darkness to the light is a very spiritual journey. When light dispels the darkness you are in a compassionate position to “be angry and sin not”. Light strengthens the immune system. You can get angry enough not to take it anymore and to stand up for self (and others) in a meek yet powerfully loving way.

"Be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath,

neither give place to the devil." Ephesians 4:26-17

“The devil is in the detail.” The proverb above seems to suggest that you have twenty-four hours to settle it. Otherwise the devil gets involved and the anger simmers and thickens and gets hotter and hotter. Settling is multi-faceted. We’ll look at that in future articles.

Beat the Winter Blues

Although February is the shortest month of the year, sometimes it seems like the longest. With cold days and gray skies and the deadness of the landscape, we overlook that spring is around the corner. Here are some thoughts for beating the winter blues.

Maintain an attitude of gratitude. Write down three things for which you are thankful. Everyday. Deliberate and do not record the same item twice. When being thankful for an individual – say your mate – enumerate a different character quality or deed.

Engage Life. Dance. Put on some music and sway back and forth. Allow the movement to awaken your spirit. Feed the birds and watch their antics. Socialize. Do something to add zest to your daily routine.

Let there be light. Dig out a few Christmas lights and swag over a window or fireplace to brighten the place up on dreary days. Give your home a festive look; decorate a table or special area. The theme is not so important, just add sparkle and cheer. Sit and luxuriate in the beauty of your handiwork.

Read for the pleasure of pure entertainment. Laugh with a comedy or be taken away by a romance novel. Hone your strategizing skills with a spine-tingling mystery. Find empowerment in true-life experiences written by those who have been there. Be comforted through Holy Scriptures.

Stay warm. Layer your clothing to allow air to act as insulation. Keep your hands, feet and head covered. Bundle up and take a relaxing walk.

Treat yourself. Employ simple ways to delight you. Drink hot chocolate from your best china cup. Wear a colorful scarf. Purchase a small item that makes you feel special. Surround yourself with the soft light and sweet smell of a candle.

This too shall pass. Carl Jung said, “The gold is in the dark.” What is the winter season trying to teach you? Allow this poem to be a source of encouragement.


When you're feeling down and all alone,
and your faith in tomorrow is gone;
Without the night, the sun would seem dim;
and thorns are found on the roses' stem;
It is stones in the brook that creates a song,
as the waters flow faithfully along;
And roots grow deepest in the winter's frost.
So cheer up, my child, your hope is not lost.
© 1986 Mona Dunkin



We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Holidays and Hurry Sickness

What do the holidays mean to you? Cleaning? Cooking? Entertaining? Shopping? Decorating? Wrapping? Visiting? Does the rush, rush of our society that you have adopted dull your appreciation of the season? Stressors are inevitable but they do not have to be debilitating.

Applause is not necessary. Get in touch with who are, or who you want to become, and allow everything you do to come from that place of purpose. That includes participating as well as not participating. Life does not have to be tit-for-tat. Because another’s decorations light the city skies does not mean yours are not elegant. Give up the competition and be true to self.


“Hurry but don’t rush,” Coach John Wooden.


One might think that to stop rushing would mean to become a slowpoke. Not true. You can still hurry, just take care not to cross the line into a stressing rush. Rushing is energy draining and makes one more error prone. Hurrying is energy producing while allowing focused attention.

Do not expect easy. Everything has a learning curve. Some things have longer skill proficiency than others. To tackle a job expecting everything to flow seamlessly may be a contributor to the stress. Give yourself time to gain knowledge or to be trained. Factor in delays such as another’s lack of cooperation, materials shipment detained, inability to located needed resources or personal fatigue. Give time to patiently teach, as to inexperienced grandchildren making cookies. Spilled flour happens. Clean it up together and enjoy the adventure as well as the rewards.

Become rigidly flexible. I love goals and I find target deadlines invigorating. There was a time that I also found interruptions irritating; they got me off schedule. Then I adopted my oxymoron philosophy of being rigidly-flexible. I plan and prepare and stay focused to the degree that outside factors are within my reasonable control. But, when situations arise - a family emergency, a coworker needing help, a grandchild wanting a story read – no sweat, I’m flexible. Jesus could always be bothered.

Sometimes delays are blessings in disguise. Perhaps the interruption was needed for additional insight; or as a forced reprieve to catch your breath. Do not lie to yourself by thinking you cannot die until everything on your list is accomplished. Consider that maybe the packed schedule will hasten that event. Slow down and live. Slow down and enjoy. Slow down and love.

Include personal reflection. Rethink everything. Ponder deeply the meaning of life, celebrations, family, crises, relationships, God, work, play… What is life saying to you that you have been too harried to hear?

Activity does not mean accomplishment. Do not allow the demands of the season to propel you into over-spending, over-doing, over-committing, thus becoming over-bearing. Rest more and flurry less. Slow down and adopt simplicity.

The holidays come once a year. Embrace the true meaning. Enjoy family and friends. Be blessed by all your choices.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

A Case Against Perfection

Perhaps Ray Crock, the founder of McDonalds, said it best: “It is better to be green and growing than to be ripe and rotting.” Thus is the basis of my case again perfectionism.

Picture it. In your mind see an apple at the pinnacle of perfection. The color is vibrant, the juices are succulent, the aroma is sweet and your senses are heightened. Yet, a mere twenty-four hours later, the fruit is beginning to wilt. To lose flavor. To rot. To be nothing but a past memory.

Relieve the stress. Stress is a natural part of life - a good part - and becomes destructive only when we do not allow recovery time. Nothing and no one can operate at 100% energy and 100% efficiency 100% of the time. Down time is not a waste of energy; it is a regenerator. And recovery time increases creativity to boot.

Good is good. Look at what you have done and see what is good about it. Also look at the areas for improvement. Rather than scraping the whole project, tweak the defects and continue.

Stop beating yourself up; it serves no productive purpose. Self-evaluate? “Yes”. Self-condemnation? “No. Absolutely not!” C’s are passing grades. To celebrate a C motivates to achieve B’s and A’s. To condemn C or B work, disheartens. It places nervous tension on creativity.

Go for excellence. You may question the difference in perfection and excellence as mere semantics. Maybe it is more the attitude in which a job is performed rather than the flawless finished product.

Excellence is doing quality work. Excellence is doing the best you can in an environment of learning so you can do better the next time. To be perfect smacks of getting everything just right or suffering the consequences of failing to measure up.

Excellence releases creativity to try, fail and try again. Excellence releases energy; perfection saps energy.

Enjoy the fruit of your labor. C’s are passing grades, so celebrate. You do not really enjoy anything until you share it. Good enough is good enough. Receive it – in yourself and in others.

It is difficult to get to where you want to go without acknowledging where you are now. Accepting what is mysteriously frees you to inspired action and a positive focus on success. And you begin to see that you are getting better and better.

Now, what do you think? Let me hear from you.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”