9/15/08

Rules and Rebellion

A dad was frustrated over his stepson’s refusal to take out the trash. He saw it as a personal affront and it became a no-win situation. Here are a few tips on balanced parent/teen rules and rebellion.

1. It’s all about relationship. Think back to where your relationship began to unravel. Ask yourself some tough questions and be honest with the answers. How have I contributed to the breach? Do I demand? What is my tone of voice? When the task is completed, do I say “Thank you” or do I withhold my appreciation as a form of punishment.

2. Respect is more an attitude than a behavior. Make amends and move forward with a new attitude. Respect is denoted through tone of voice more than words used. Do not be put off by the teens off-putting. “Treat others the way you want to be treated” still works.

3. Pass it on. The parent must help the teen to grow into a responsible adult. Often we expect them to become responsible individuals without training. Realize it is a good thing for the child to break away and form his own independence.

4. Training is more caught than taught. Training is to “stimulate the appetite for.” It is show and tell. Give guidelines, state reasonable expectations and do gentle follow-up. Do not excuse your faults while accusing his. Excusing you sounds like, “ I can’t help it, that is just the way I am!” Accusing sounds like, “Why don’t you…” or “If only you would…”

5. There is no par for the course. Do not keep score. Through force or manipulation, you may “make” the person perform the task. That is not winning, it is bullying. It may be a quick fix in that the chore is done, but the relationship is compromised and the rebellion in both parties is strengthened.

6. Keep things in perspective. Do not see the trash not being taken out as an act of rebellion. It may be juvenile irresponsibility. You can be so right you are wrong. You did everything right from whose perspective? Your perspective may be too shortsighted. The power behind self-evaluation is a healthy dose of self-doubt. Am I being critical? Do I have an attitude? Am I willing to see another point of view? How much grace am I giving? Does it need to be my way or my way? Even if you are right, right is all you get to be. You do not get to be superior.

7. This too shall pass. The fact remains that you cannot change another. Set an environment in which he is willing to change. Do not wallow in frustration. Feel the pain and move on. Instead of seeing it as something to drive you crazy, see it as a humorous quirk.

As the relationship between the dad and stepson improved, they went to ballgames and shared fun times. The kid took out the trash most of the time. If not, dad gently reminded him.

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