Saying "No" Without Guilt

“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking that created them.”

Albert Einstein

Does the thought of saying “No” fill you with anxiety? That to turn down a request sets you up for guilty feelings? Do you think a “Yes” equates inclusion, importance, security, - love?

I remember distinctly learning this lesson many years ago. It has served me well ever since.

A friend in financial straits asked me to buy her stereo. Wanting to help, I obligated myself to the purchase. I failed to realize I was hurting me by obligating myself to financial stress.

I checked and double checked income verses outflow. I rationalized that although it would be difficult to pay, the melodious music would make it all worthwhile.

Reality dawned that the pain of having a huge chunk taken out of my next several paydays outweighed the pleasure of surround sound. In comparison, the stress of turning down a friend request was minimal

The decision was the hardest part.

Once the decision was made the weight lifted instantly. I could continue to live within my income. I had a new found appreciation for my radio. I could still listen to sweet music without the added expense of buying records. I felt so relieved. So non-guilty.

I said my “mea culpa” and recanted my agreement to purchase. We remained friends.

Through self-evaluation, my level of thinking had elevated to solving the problem. And a wonderful new pattern of living was set into motion. Namely:

· Life is about making choices: “Yes”; “No”; and owning up to misspeaks
· The freedom of saying “No” overrides and releases guilt
· Be judicious in making commitments; think it through first
· It is always need vs. need
· Do not be influenced by assumed obligation

A simple “No” or “No, thank you” is the most effective way to begin. It is complete, all-inclusive and leaves no room for argument.

Stress is living outside your boundaries. Rather than be suckered in with “I should” thinking, replace it with, “I could”. This small shift gives you time to evaluate before making a decision. Give yourself a little wiggle room with, “Let me check my calendar and get back with you”.

Feel good about saying “No” to things that tax your time, finances, emotional stability, commitments, family responsibilities or your over-all well being.

Addressing Anger Issues

Encounters with others is always need vs. need that can result in anger producing situations. The primary need in addressing anger is to be responsive rather than reactive. Respond to the need rather than react to the imposition (demand, offensive behavior, rotten personality).

Be proactive by investing time each morning to set yourself up for a great day. Personally, if I do not invest meditation time in the morning I am much less capable of being the person I want to be for the rest of the day.

There is an endless supply of all that is necessary to become whole. Take five minutes and pray it forward. Five minutes in the morning spent in meditation is enough to guarantee that God will be in charge of your thoughts throughout the day, to convince or to commend but never to condemn. Serious meditation in the morning gives you a different nervous system for the entire day; a nervous system that exchanges and transforms alchemy.

Anger is not necessarily situational. The situation triggers a stuck emotion and goes directly to the ego where the false sense of self takes over. Anger emerges at inappropriate times when issues have not previously been addressed and settled. Wayne Dyer defines ego as “Edging God Out”. To the ego, pain is a peak experience. Emotions are powerful; powerfully destructive when ego driven.

What you are angry about is really something you want to cry over. Or something you want to be protected from (something that scares you). Anger manifests when ones nervous system does not have an area for lower emotions to be transformed into higher emotions. Just as the lungs inhale carbon dioxide and exhales carbon monoxide, so too the heart can be prepared to be an exchange system from acting out in anger to assertively setting appropriate boundaries.

Light dispels darkness. Truth weakens the shadow side. Recognize what takes you to anger, fear or cynicism. Look behind that. Look for: “What am I really scared of?” “What is behind my sadness? “What is the issue behind my self-doubting?”

Failure to take darkness to the light is a failure to survive. Taking the darkness to the light is a very spiritual journey. When light dispels the darkness you are in a compassionate position to “be angry and sin not”. Light strengthens the immune system. You can get angry enough not to take it anymore and to stand up for self (and others) in a meek yet powerfully loving way.

"Be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath,

neither give place to the devil." Ephesians 4:26-17

“The devil is in the detail.” The proverb above seems to suggest that you have twenty-four hours to settle it. Otherwise the devil gets involved and the anger simmers and thickens and gets hotter and hotter. Settling is multi-faceted. We’ll look at that in future articles.

Developing Contentment

“He is the richest who is content with the least.” Socrates

Contentment is the art of being satisfied with what you have. Make a radical commitment of gratitude and thankfulness for what you already have. Anything that appreciates (or is appreciated) goes up in value.

Step up to the challenge of getting debt free and living within your means. Test and see that buying less and paying cash for incidentals of life will help get back the true meaning of living.

Challenge your spending habits. On a scale of 1-10, will you use it? How often will you use it? It is of value to you? Can you afford it? Budgeting focuses on lack and attracts spending. Focus on savings; see the challenge of getting a bargain. Let the savings feeling supersede the spending feeling.

Use wisdom in planning and in spending. Be frugal; shop for bargains and sales. Time is currency. Are you willing to trade time with your family – which you can never get back – for time spend to get money to buy stuff.

Anything worth anything takes discipline. Most Americans put spending ahead of savings yet saving is what builds security. Spending patterns account for your future. Living within your income = happiness. Living outside your income = misery.

Develop a healthy respect for “Just $1.00”. Depending on your income tax bracket, you have to earn more than $1.00 to replace the $1.00. Fifteen percent bracket repays $1.41; 28% = $1.73; $31% = $1.82; 36% = $2.01; $39% = $2.16. When you spend, you are spending more than $1.00. When you save, you are saving more than $1.00.

Stop creating new debt. Credit cards cost you money. Even if you pay them off every month you are tricked into buying more than if you paid cash or check and actually saw it come out of the account. There is no such thing as a free lunch, i.e. earn cash back, airline tickets, vehicle, etc. Credit card users spend 212% more with plastic than with cash; it gives a false sense of having more money than you do. Opportunity costs. Do not be suckered into the “monthly payment” trap.

Number one cause of financial failure: THE INABILITY TO DELAY GRATIFICATION
Number one means of failure to delay gratification: CREDIT CARDS

Use your natural creativity. Remember, necessity is the mother of invention. Get control of your spending (and greed) and see how elimination promotes fulfillment.

I'd love to hear your insights.