Refusal to Forgive

“Now you have to decide if you want a life of bitterness, or to be set free.”
Jeanne Marie Laskas

To forgive is an emotional decision. Contrary to some line of thought, forgiving does not mean forgetting. The offense may so deep it is emotionally and psychologically impossible to forget. An offense may be so egregious that even the thought of forgetting is equally offensive.

Yet, to hold on to the bitterness and resentment harms you physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and relationally. Refusal to forgive is to hold on to the grudge with a magically idea that you will thus be protected from future hurts.

Refusal to forgive is hidden behind hate and mistrust; wrapped in an ugly package of justification and rationalization. It sets you up for anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness that festers and eventually spews over into all relationships, not just the one(s) you refuse to forgive. Choosing to forgive is banishing an unwelcomed “renter” from your psyche and mind chatter.

Refusal to forgive effects major harm to your mental-health through preoccupation with disturbing thoughts that leads to depressing. It is a self-sentence to loneliness, distrust and misery. Physically the body produces stress hormones thus weakening the immune system and increasing susceptibility to viruses and disease.

One’s spiritual life is also harmed as a result of the refusal to forgive. C. S. Lewis said that the wrongs of life seems to prove that God is not good. Of course that is a lie.

Here are some thoughts in choosing to forgive:

1. Make a list of the hurts in your life. This is not to dwell on them, but to acknowledge so you can choose to release. Things you did or did not do as well as things that were done to you. Beliefs or teachings you acted on that you now regret. Include slights, injustices, labels, judgments and rejections. Write the experience in detail, saying what you wish you would have said or done at the time – good or bad.
2. Realize that people act out of their own hurts and pain. Regardless how you have been treated, know that you are a person of infinite worth and value with dignity and principles.
3. Revisit the pain through eyes of compassion for yourself and allow God to re-parent you and to comfort you.
4. Do the hard work of honestly looking at ways you may have been a part of the problem or exacerbated it. Value your feelings and insights. If appropriate, take steps to correct violated principles; to seek and/or to give forgiveness.
5. You may find it helpful to share your findings with a supportive person whom you trust implicitly, one who will be receptive and non-judgmental and not try to fix things for you or give advice.
6. Choose to give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Embrace peace. Smile. Laugh. Reach out again in love. Develop an attitude of ongoing forgiveness by choosing to not be offended.

Forgiveness does not eliminate past pain, it allows you to enjoy the present and build for the future. Choosing to forgive is not to tackle the impossibility of forgetting, but to forgo dwelling on past wounds. It is to be free.

Please leave your comments. Thanks.

Stress and Motivation

As you can see from my by-line, I call myself a Motivational Speaker. The truth is I cannot motivate anyone to do anything.

And neither can you.

I am not even going to try. That is too stress producing. Maybe you can identify.
It’s not stress that kills us …It’s our reaction to it!

We are each self-determining and make our own choices based on the pleasure-pain syndrome. We seek as much pleasure and success as possible while avoiding pain and failure. Example: one may think vegging out in front of the TV as more pleasurable than the boredom of exercise. However, after a near-death experience, one sees death more painful than the pleasure of staying alive - even if that means exercise and healthy eating.

Our mind is capricious and is capable of being deceived, and of being enlightened and of being changed.

You cannot motivate people, but people are motivated! They become self-motivated whenever a solution is seen to meet an individual need.

The emerging science of Epigenetics suggests that in our genetic code there is a protective layer above the gene.

Similar to our skin’s epidermis (epi- the protective layer above the “dermis”) the outer layer is sensitive to the environment. The outer skin sunburns, sweats when hot, becomes clammy when nervous and gets goose-bumps when chilled.

Different environments. Same body systems. Different results.

So too this epi-gene responds to the environment. Stress wrecks havoc. Limiting beliefs sabotage success. Calm restores. Abundance mentality heals.

Different environments. Same body systems. Different results.

In the book, Anti-Cancer, Dr. Servan-Schreiber states that human beings, like all living organisms, make defective cells. “But our bodies are also equipped with a number of mechanisms that detect and keep such cells in check.....”

He goes on to write: “This is what I learned: If we all have a potential cancer lying dormant in us, each of us also has a body designed to fight the process of tumor development. It is up to each of us to use our body’s natural defenses. Other cultures do this much better than ours.”

Are we pre-programmed with our current personality and habits? In 1980 enter the Human Genome Project; a global, scientific effort to create a catalog of all the genes present in humans. The stem cell results shows that no one gene that does anything.

Epigenetic explores the fact that the way you see the world influences your genes and that every gene in the body can be modified by the way you respond to events. The body structure remains constant but the gene functions are not hard-wired. You can actually feel the physiology change when you change your mind.

The invisible thing working against us is actually our unaware mind. When we become aware, we can be motivated to rewrite the program. We may think we know our conscious mind rather well; often overlook the power of the unconscious. Unfortunately, when we do, we overlook a wellspring of human potential to change, and limit our power to change, heal, grow and overcome.

Please post your comments; I love hearing from you. Thanks.

How Much Do You Help?

Reaching out to another is an excellent way of showing that you care. Yet, this noble attribute begs the question, “How much do you help?”

Giving too much or too little is based on perspective. From the giver’s standpoint, the help may be minimal. From the receiver’s view, it may be a boundary breaker.

We are complex individuals comprised of diverse life-experiences. Each interaction pits one’s life-experiences against another’s life-experiences. All one has to bring to the table at any given time is his collective quality of beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, actions and relationships. All come up short.

In toxic spills, the first response team is taught key elements. These guidelines are for everyone’s safety:
· Become familiar with the placards (know what toxin is being hauled)
· Evaluate the situation before engaging
· Determine plan of egress (when/how to leave or call in other help)

Dialogue with yourself before jumping in to do for another. Assess the need. Determine your level of expertise and check your motive.

· What is his/her lifestyle? Her level of clean may not match yours. His view of organization may lean to the messy side. Their style of parenting may be more relaxed than yours.
· Why are you doing this? Is it to impress? Is it to reap personal benefit? Do you keep score? Do you tally rewards? Do you collect favors? Is it an obligation? Is it something you think you “should do”? Or are you pitching in because you think you are expected to do it? It is a duty or a delight? Does helping give you a warm feeling or build resentment? Are you pleased to be of service or is it another demand upon your time? Can you receive? How about a compliment?
· Can you determine when enough is enough? Are you sensitive to another’s need for when enough is enough?

Remember the air safety advice: “Put on your oxygen mask first”.

After you have taken care of your own basic needs you can better take on a needed sacrifice. Enjoy the feeling of self-worth and maintain positive relationship with the one being helped (whether little or much). Do not lost touch with your limitations. Do not neglect your own well-being. Graciously do what is within your scope. Graciously receive thanks. Graciously stop. Effective help assures that on a grand scale everyone gets the support they need.

See a need and fill it. The day of the teen’s funeral there was a gully washer. After the burial, family and friends gathered at the church for a meal together, honoring the teen's life and comforting each other. Muddy shoes were removed and stacked by the door.

In anonymity, without fanfare or recognition, someone cleaned all the mud-packed shoes. Shiny footwear awaited the mourners upon departure. The act was thoughtful; it was just enough. The gratitude was deep.

Whether large or small, genuine good deeds are about the character of the giver. Whether large or small, receptivity to the help given is largely dependent upon giving and or doing just the right amount.

Feel free to post your comments. I love hearing from you.