We are complicated individuals filled with many contradictions. Anthony Robbins says we have a core need for certainty and uncertainty. And they operate both at the same time!
Our need for consistency wants everything to flow in the same predictable, secure, and comfortable routine. Even if that consistency is a rut.
Our need for variation craves risk, change, variety and challenges.
No wonder relationships are so complicated. It is difficult enough to come to terms with this yin/yang in us, let alone rectify it with spouse, parents, children, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
I believe it can be done. It takes work. And maturity.
Absolute truth vs. truisms. I believe there are some absolute truths. Absolute truth includes the law of gravity (within earth's atmosphere) and the rotation of the earth around the sun with a pattern of day/night and seasons. I suggest absolute principles include the Ten Commandments and that all human misery can be traced to the breaking of one or more of those directives.
Truisms are sayings that contain an element of truth that may be applied to a specific situation but not across the board. This would include “Look before you leap” book-ended by “He who hesitates is lost.” There is an element of reality in each. There are times immediate action is required without extended deliberation vs. times when analysis brings paralysis. The underlying truth in each is that decisions require the right amount of thought.
Happiness - external vs. internal. Although ultimate happiness is an internal-do-it-yourself-job, there are external contributors. Happiness includes relationship with people, primarily our family members. Dr. William Glasser says that human misery is the result of living under tyranny, abject poverty, debilitating sickness or the inability to get along well with those people that are important to us.
Others definitely contribute to our happiness but it is too much of a burden to place on anyone to make him/her responsible for our happiness. It is freeing to meld the truth that “I cannot make you happy” and “You cannot make me happy” with “I am happy to be with you” and “I am happy you are with me.”
Control – internal vs. external. Getting along well with people has a lot to do with locus of control. Namely, whose behavior can you control? Attempt to control another results in tension and unhappiness. The more we are in control of our own behavior - that includes thoughts we think and actions we take and emotions we exuded - the less controlling we will be of others.
Conversely, the less we are in control of our own thoughts, our actions and our emotions; the more one will attempt to control others. External control uses the “seven deadly habits of highly ineffective people” that are complaining, blaming, guilting, criticizing, nagging, threatening and punishing.
Relationship building - and happiness - comes through employing the “seven healthy habits of highly effective people” that are supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting and negotiating. The foundation of these habits is forgiving.
Consistency is found through personal contemplation and discipline.
We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”
12/31/09
New Year, New Goals
The beginning of a new year lends itself to renewal, a starting-over-point. That may mean going in a completely different direction or modifying a current situation. Either way, it requires a decision. Once when I faced a choice between two options, I sensed an inner voice (I believe it was God) saying… “Go and you will be blessed; stay and you will be blessed.”
Conversely, the opposite of that is also true. Go and you will have problems; stay and you will have problems. That is not to be negative, just a realistic look at how life works. Here are some thoughts regarding enhancing the success of those important decisions and new goals.
Make a decision. There are lots of choices and not all of them can be pursued at once. Clarify your top priority; select and simplify.
Clarify the decision. See the end from the beginning by painting a picture of the intended results. Since everything is created in the mind before it becomes reality, write brief statements giving specific terms and in present tense voice. Use “I am” statements as opposed to “I am going to.” Write it down as if it is already a reality. This step gives you finality and energy; it lets you see how it looks and feels.
Get honest. Detail things that will help and things that will hinder the accomplishment of this goal. Be pro-active in seeing problems and seeking solutions. This includes personality characteristics, mechanical issues as well as the input of others. Example: your creative ideas and energy are a plus, whereas your lack of focus and procrastination slows progress. Think about alternate sources for supplies. Who may be for you and who may be against you and how will you address each?
Day-to-day. This is the nuts and bolts where you take the big picture and reduce it to stepping stones. What needs to be done today? Such as items purchased, calls made, actions taken. What nee4ds to be done tomorrow? What will I have achieved by the end of the month? Use several specific time frames – one month, two months, six months, one year. This is short-term planning that brings long-range accomplishment.
Continually evaluate. Celebrate advancements and negotiate needed adjustments. This is the living out of the “Get Honest” step. What actions need to be implemented, changed or halted? Who needs to be brought on board, consulted with or let go? What back-up resources are available? NASA reports that space voyages are frequently off course. What keeps them on target? Constant evaluation and adjustment; aligning where-we-are-now with where-we-are-going.
Goal setting and planning is an excellent way to break out of the mundane. Follow NASA’s example to discover your own new worlds.
Conversely, the opposite of that is also true. Go and you will have problems; stay and you will have problems. That is not to be negative, just a realistic look at how life works. Here are some thoughts regarding enhancing the success of those important decisions and new goals.
Make a decision. There are lots of choices and not all of them can be pursued at once. Clarify your top priority; select and simplify.
Clarify the decision. See the end from the beginning by painting a picture of the intended results. Since everything is created in the mind before it becomes reality, write brief statements giving specific terms and in present tense voice. Use “I am” statements as opposed to “I am going to.” Write it down as if it is already a reality. This step gives you finality and energy; it lets you see how it looks and feels.
Get honest. Detail things that will help and things that will hinder the accomplishment of this goal. Be pro-active in seeing problems and seeking solutions. This includes personality characteristics, mechanical issues as well as the input of others. Example: your creative ideas and energy are a plus, whereas your lack of focus and procrastination slows progress. Think about alternate sources for supplies. Who may be for you and who may be against you and how will you address each?
Day-to-day. This is the nuts and bolts where you take the big picture and reduce it to stepping stones. What needs to be done today? Such as items purchased, calls made, actions taken. What nee4ds to be done tomorrow? What will I have achieved by the end of the month? Use several specific time frames – one month, two months, six months, one year. This is short-term planning that brings long-range accomplishment.
Continually evaluate. Celebrate advancements and negotiate needed adjustments. This is the living out of the “Get Honest” step. What actions need to be implemented, changed or halted? Who needs to be brought on board, consulted with or let go? What back-up resources are available? NASA reports that space voyages are frequently off course. What keeps them on target? Constant evaluation and adjustment; aligning where-we-are-now with where-we-are-going.
Goal setting and planning is an excellent way to break out of the mundane. Follow NASA’s example to discover your own new worlds.
12/23/09
Epiphany
In the Christian faith, epiphany is a term used to mark the arrival of the Magi in their search for the Christ child. Epiphany has expanded to mean a sudden realization or deep understanding brought about through ordinary circumstances that made a profound change in an individual’s life. Here are three epiphanies in my life.
Beauty is more internal than external. I struggled with self-esteem issues for years. I had the mistaken idea that if only my weight was less and I was shorter than my 5’6” height and if my nose was a different shape then magically all my problems would be over. I erroneously reasoned that I would be little and cute and everybody would like me.
An individual came into my life that was overweight, tall and with less than perfect facial features. She was loving and kind and funny and people were drawn to her. It dawned on me that there may be reasons to dislike a person, but the package is not one of them. If people did not like me, it had to be something more than looks. And, if someone did not like me because of my weight or looks, who really owned the problem.
Peace came through recognition that I could not “add one cubit to my stature” (or take away) and calm reigned with thankfulness that my nose worked okay regardless of its size. Silence descended with the realization that weight management was in my power with the exercise of self-discipline. I began to work on things that were within my control, like letting go of the chip on my shoulder.
The result has been a humble acceptance of me with continued focus on character development. My healthy self-esteem has grown into a high regard for all humanity.
Vows are not to be taken lightly. I hate to admit this, but I went into marriage with an escape clause in the back of my mind. From divorce statistics, that seems to be the irrational reasoning of society today. Through contemplation of separation I became aware of the sacredness of vows I had made before God and man. The wedding covenant is necessary because we are not capable of loving a flawed individual, (at least not for a sustainable amount of time) therefore the need for public and spiritual accountability. Instead of looking for ways out, I began to pray for grace to stay. And God’s grace is sufficient. It has been forty-two years and these two flawed individuals are still together. I am glad that we each have made the work-through-it-commitment again and again. It is imperative to fall in love again and again with the same person.
It is relationship, not religion. From childhood I have been tender toward the things of God. Even though teenage rebellion drove me in other directions, the wooing of Holy Spirit never let up – sometimes to my defiant anger. I relented and tried again and again to be godly, always messing up. In a downtime, a knowing although non-audible still small voice spoke into my conscious: “Mona, stop trying so hard. Quit trying to make me Lord and Master. Just let me be your friend.”
I needed a friend. My response was a subdued nodding of my head and a faint whisper of “Okay.” Rockets did not zoom and bells did not go off, but there was a definite change in my life from that day forward. I allowed Jesus to be my friend. It is a friend relationship that continues to grow, allowing me to be accepting of myself and compassionately charitable with a universe filled with other flawed human beings.
None of these transformations were instant but each gave enough light to foster permanent growth. Another meaning of epiphany is “a manifestation of a divine being.” The Magi were searching for solutions in a promised ruler king and were humbled to encounter the author of authority revealed in a vulnerable baby.
The peace and life-changes I have encountered, and continue to chance upon, are brought about through my search for the Christ child – born, died and resurrected. The guiding star is still shining. Follow it and receive.
Beauty is more internal than external. I struggled with self-esteem issues for years. I had the mistaken idea that if only my weight was less and I was shorter than my 5’6” height and if my nose was a different shape then magically all my problems would be over. I erroneously reasoned that I would be little and cute and everybody would like me.
An individual came into my life that was overweight, tall and with less than perfect facial features. She was loving and kind and funny and people were drawn to her. It dawned on me that there may be reasons to dislike a person, but the package is not one of them. If people did not like me, it had to be something more than looks. And, if someone did not like me because of my weight or looks, who really owned the problem.
Peace came through recognition that I could not “add one cubit to my stature” (or take away) and calm reigned with thankfulness that my nose worked okay regardless of its size. Silence descended with the realization that weight management was in my power with the exercise of self-discipline. I began to work on things that were within my control, like letting go of the chip on my shoulder.
The result has been a humble acceptance of me with continued focus on character development. My healthy self-esteem has grown into a high regard for all humanity.
Vows are not to be taken lightly. I hate to admit this, but I went into marriage with an escape clause in the back of my mind. From divorce statistics, that seems to be the irrational reasoning of society today. Through contemplation of separation I became aware of the sacredness of vows I had made before God and man. The wedding covenant is necessary because we are not capable of loving a flawed individual, (at least not for a sustainable amount of time) therefore the need for public and spiritual accountability. Instead of looking for ways out, I began to pray for grace to stay. And God’s grace is sufficient. It has been forty-two years and these two flawed individuals are still together. I am glad that we each have made the work-through-it-commitment again and again. It is imperative to fall in love again and again with the same person.
It is relationship, not religion. From childhood I have been tender toward the things of God. Even though teenage rebellion drove me in other directions, the wooing of Holy Spirit never let up – sometimes to my defiant anger. I relented and tried again and again to be godly, always messing up. In a downtime, a knowing although non-audible still small voice spoke into my conscious: “Mona, stop trying so hard. Quit trying to make me Lord and Master. Just let me be your friend.”
I needed a friend. My response was a subdued nodding of my head and a faint whisper of “Okay.” Rockets did not zoom and bells did not go off, but there was a definite change in my life from that day forward. I allowed Jesus to be my friend. It is a friend relationship that continues to grow, allowing me to be accepting of myself and compassionately charitable with a universe filled with other flawed human beings.
None of these transformations were instant but each gave enough light to foster permanent growth. Another meaning of epiphany is “a manifestation of a divine being.” The Magi were searching for solutions in a promised ruler king and were humbled to encounter the author of authority revealed in a vulnerable baby.
The peace and life-changes I have encountered, and continue to chance upon, are brought about through my search for the Christ child – born, died and resurrected. The guiding star is still shining. Follow it and receive.
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