Aaron Beck, a cognitive behavior therapist, said, “emotion follows perception.” Meaning that the way you feel about something is based on the way you see it. Since the human condition leans to the negative, if one sees the situation as difficult, he might also feel it is hopeless and that he is defeated even before trying.
This does not have to be a permanent condition. All have experienced a time of being caught up in a flurry of emotions, only to have them instantly dissipate when new information presents itself. We can learn to monitor our perceptions before engaging emotions and thus have a more pleasant outcome.
Our brains store all information received through our many senses. The brain continually seeks patterns by evaluating new sensory information over and against previous sensory input. When patterns appear, the brain attached “meaning” to it and creates expectations for the future. Thus, emotions follow these perceptions.
Over a lifetime, this storage unit becomes full and the brain becomes confused in sorting through all the messages. The childhood reaction of fear “meaning” to seeing a spider should not control the adult response to the insect. Emotional arousal fixates on what happened in the past and clouds the reality of what is happening now.
From another’s point of view. How might your feelings toward an individual soften if you see him as a fellow human being with struggles and fears? Realizing that each person is doing the best he can with his limited resources and with his imperfect insight can transform your emotions toward him from frustration or anger to caring.
Input of perspective. When another gives their opinion, choose to see the comments as perspective rather than a personal attack. Listen to the words and filter out a supposed hidden agenda. Monitor that you are responding to the information, not the person’s rotten personality. After all, when do you want to know that the boat won’t float? When it is in the middle of the lake or while still on the shoreline? This will allow you to reflect and answer in a calm manner.
Acquisition of skills. When something happens “again”, rather than reverting to an emotional outburst, ask yourself, “What can you do now that you couldn’t do before?” Consider the abilities you have at your disposal and use them, such as improved communication, self-defense, enforcement of boundaries, outside resources, financial reserves, reasoning capabilities and personal power.
Locus of control. When you tense at another’s attempts to control your decisions, how might peace come when you consider that their unwelcomed input might be motivated by their concern for you? Regardless of their input or your response, you are self-determining in attitude as well as in actions taken.
As you see situations based on what is transpiring now, rather than dredging up similar past events, internal positive results will automatically happen. You will be pleased with the emotional shift to a mature perspective. Although the spider may not be adopted as a pet, you are in a position to take effective measures for pest control.
7/28/09
7/19/09
Realistic Thinking
We live in the limits of our own thinking. Your perception is your reality; only it may not be really real. The answers you give are not necessarily facts; they are simply your interpretation of the situation as you see them. However, your perceptions and beliefs have a powerful impact on both the present and your future. Your direction is dependent upon your perception. Here are some thoughts on how to reframe pre-conceived perceptions.
It’s Fixable. I am all for positive thinking and make it a continual practice. However, it takes more than seeing the glass as half full as opposed to half empty. Realistic thinking sees the glass not as either-or, but as capable of being filled to the brim or completely emptied as the need dictates.
Be Thankful Thus Far. Soren Kierkegaard observed that “life is lived forward and understood backward”. It has taken the trials, triumphs and tragedies thus far to get you where you are now. Use every experience as a learning tool to see what needs to be repeated and what needs to be adjusted or avoided.
Address it with compassion. In trying circumstances, have compassion on those difficult people. The crucified Jesus prayed, “Father forgive them, they do not know what they are doing.” You may wish to argue that he does most certainly know what he is doing. But do we really know the extent of our actions? Adopting an attitude of caring – for them and for you – gives grace to handle the situation with calm.
Yes, You Can. A life-long slacker in transitional housing was forced to get a job or be kicked out. After rejection and discouragement, he honestly looked at how he was presenting himself to prospective employers. On the fifteen-day-deadline, he was hired.
Two weeks later he was a changed man. He said, “All my life I have been a screw-up. You made me get a job and now I have a ‘can do’ attitude.” And you can too.
Grow into the New. Studies show that practicing grateful thinking makes people more energetic and enthusiastic. At the above-mentioned transitional housing residents are tested for drugs. Some are incensed. Change your view. Instead of seeing it as a controlling act, view it as your opportunity to prove you are living a clean life. See any accountability – forced or not - as a way to show you are responsible.
The importance of the way you perceive life is that people seek out experiences that reinforce their beliefs. If you believe yourself to be stupid you will see a wise choice as a fluke. Regardless of what you are facing it is within your power to choose your responses. You have 100% control over your thinking and attitudes. You can be grumpy, miserable and hateful or you can reframe to see things in a different light.
Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach of Solution Principles, specializes in maximum people development. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com
It’s Fixable. I am all for positive thinking and make it a continual practice. However, it takes more than seeing the glass as half full as opposed to half empty. Realistic thinking sees the glass not as either-or, but as capable of being filled to the brim or completely emptied as the need dictates.
Be Thankful Thus Far. Soren Kierkegaard observed that “life is lived forward and understood backward”. It has taken the trials, triumphs and tragedies thus far to get you where you are now. Use every experience as a learning tool to see what needs to be repeated and what needs to be adjusted or avoided.
Address it with compassion. In trying circumstances, have compassion on those difficult people. The crucified Jesus prayed, “Father forgive them, they do not know what they are doing.” You may wish to argue that he does most certainly know what he is doing. But do we really know the extent of our actions? Adopting an attitude of caring – for them and for you – gives grace to handle the situation with calm.
Yes, You Can. A life-long slacker in transitional housing was forced to get a job or be kicked out. After rejection and discouragement, he honestly looked at how he was presenting himself to prospective employers. On the fifteen-day-deadline, he was hired.
Two weeks later he was a changed man. He said, “All my life I have been a screw-up. You made me get a job and now I have a ‘can do’ attitude.” And you can too.
Grow into the New. Studies show that practicing grateful thinking makes people more energetic and enthusiastic. At the above-mentioned transitional housing residents are tested for drugs. Some are incensed. Change your view. Instead of seeing it as a controlling act, view it as your opportunity to prove you are living a clean life. See any accountability – forced or not - as a way to show you are responsible.
The importance of the way you perceive life is that people seek out experiences that reinforce their beliefs. If you believe yourself to be stupid you will see a wise choice as a fluke. Regardless of what you are facing it is within your power to choose your responses. You have 100% control over your thinking and attitudes. You can be grumpy, miserable and hateful or you can reframe to see things in a different light.
Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach of Solution Principles, specializes in maximum people development. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com
7/15/09
What Is Your Goal?
What is your goal for a successful life? Or for a fruitful marriage? For effective parenting? For job fulfillment? For financial security? For wellness? Although most people say they have goals, the truth is, what they have is a vague ‘I-want-this-or-that” mentality. Because the object is not specific, you wind up multi-tasking and getting very little accomplished.
In the 60’s Harvard University conducted a student survey as to how many had life goals. All answered in the affirmative. “Yes.” After all, they were in Harvard, what would you expect? Then they were asked how many had written these goals down. The responses fell sharply.
Only 3% of the student body of Harvard had a written goal for their life.
Harvard did a follow-up study thirty years later. The results were staggering. The 3% that had written down their goals had accomplished more and had a greater market value than the other 97% combined. Wow. And what had made the difference? It was the power of written down and clarifying the goals.
As long as your objectives remain vaguely stuck in your head, you run the risk of them remaining a fantasy rather than becoming a reality. It is imperative that you put your goals into writing. Writing down goals pin-points intent, makes the illusive concrete and energizes you to accomplishment.
If you have never written goals before the concept can seem overwhelming. Here is my KISS plan – keep it simple, sweetie.
One: Get a legal pad and randomly write down everything you want to accomplish in your lifetime. Do not put a time limit on it, a proficiency boundary, financial abilities or the need to receive permission.
Two: Group all of these “want to’s” into the following categories: family, financial, career, health, spirituality, community.
Three: Pick one category to work on for the next two weeks. Ferret through your general “to do” list and select those items that directly apply to the one category you have chosen. Now, for the next fourteen days, focus exclusively on those things. As other issues may need to be addressed, spend minimum time and then get back quickly to your focal points.
You feel more organized now than you did at the start of this article because order has been brought to your thinking. You are more focused about what you want and where to start and what to do. As you begin to write down what you want and plans to achieve it, it mysteriously becomes real and attainable. Get busy. Make your “yes” answer to “Do you have goals” a reality.
Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. -30-
In the 60’s Harvard University conducted a student survey as to how many had life goals. All answered in the affirmative. “Yes.” After all, they were in Harvard, what would you expect? Then they were asked how many had written these goals down. The responses fell sharply.
Only 3% of the student body of Harvard had a written goal for their life.
Harvard did a follow-up study thirty years later. The results were staggering. The 3% that had written down their goals had accomplished more and had a greater market value than the other 97% combined. Wow. And what had made the difference? It was the power of written down and clarifying the goals.
As long as your objectives remain vaguely stuck in your head, you run the risk of them remaining a fantasy rather than becoming a reality. It is imperative that you put your goals into writing. Writing down goals pin-points intent, makes the illusive concrete and energizes you to accomplishment.
If you have never written goals before the concept can seem overwhelming. Here is my KISS plan – keep it simple, sweetie.
One: Get a legal pad and randomly write down everything you want to accomplish in your lifetime. Do not put a time limit on it, a proficiency boundary, financial abilities or the need to receive permission.
Two: Group all of these “want to’s” into the following categories: family, financial, career, health, spirituality, community.
Three: Pick one category to work on for the next two weeks. Ferret through your general “to do” list and select those items that directly apply to the one category you have chosen. Now, for the next fourteen days, focus exclusively on those things. As other issues may need to be addressed, spend minimum time and then get back quickly to your focal points.
You feel more organized now than you did at the start of this article because order has been brought to your thinking. You are more focused about what you want and where to start and what to do. As you begin to write down what you want and plans to achieve it, it mysteriously becomes real and attainable. Get busy. Make your “yes” answer to “Do you have goals” a reality.
Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. -30-
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