Do people frequently get on your nerves? And if so, how do you handle the situation? Here are suggestions on how to minimize the annoyance so the encounter does not “ruin your day” and does not diminish the individual’s value in your eyes.
Go from personal to general. Focusing on my circumstances makes events overwhelming. My car broke down. My child disobeys. My spouse is inconsiderate. My job is demanding. Consider the same situations with the detachment of somebody. Somebody’s car broke down. Somebody’s child disobeys. Somebody’s spouse is inconsiderate. Somebody’s job is demanding. All of a sudden it is not a big deal. When viewing it from another’s perspective, you are open to see the problem more clearly and to find solutions. Do not take yourself so seriously.
They, You, I. Psycharitist Carl Jung says that what drives you crazy in another person is, in reality, a denied character defect in you. When we embrace our flaws, not only does it free us to acknowledge and discard the behavior, it also alleviates our frustration with the irritating individual displaying the same attributes. It sets us up for compassion toward the offender.
Try this focus changer: 1) Get alone and privately speak aloud about the irritating person in third person tense (she/he). 2) Repeat the frustration in second person (you) as though you are addressing the individual. 3) Then speak of the annoyance in the first person (I). Example below:
Speak in third person tense. “She interrupted my conversation and didn’t even care! She is so rude and selfish.”
Speak in second person tense. “You really offended me when you butted into my conversation as though you are the most important person in the universe.”
Speak in first person tense from based on your personal honesty. “I am selfish and guilty of speaking up when I have something to say. I am sure I come across as being ill-mannered and uncaring.”
Changed compassionate perspective is this: I am guilty of having done the same type of behavior. I acknowledge it and become aware and will stop before interrupting. Even though it is irritating in my co-worker, I have compassion for her and choose to hold her in high regard. With my anger subdued, I am in a better position to either speak up or overlook it should future such incidents occur.”
Those times when you are guilty of proclaiming “I am having one of those days”, remember, that statement is true only as long as you claim it to be so.
Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. -30-
7/14/09
Anger Busting
Anger is an emotion common to all. Anger is a legitimate feeling with a valid cause, at least from the victim’s point of view. Aggression is an expression of anger that may seem like an automatic response, but it is controllable. Here are thoughts to gain control of yourself before anger becomes danger.
Become aware. Pay attention to your body and emotions to pre-determine when frustration is building so you can “nip it in the bud” before it becomes a full-blown outrage that is damaging to you and your family or co-workers. Keep an angry calendar; mark down every time you become frustrated. Make a list of hot topics that push your button so you can pre-determine to not engage. This will let you see how frequently you turn to negative responses.
Voice it. Give a verbal warning that you are nearing the end of your patience. This puts you in a more aware position and gives strength to not over-react. It also alerts your children or constituents to alter their behavior or to duck-and-cover.
Take a time out. Being emotions driven cause fuzzy thinking. Give yourself a five minute break so feelings can calm down and rational thinking can reconnect. Think of a past event when a positive outcome would probably have been affected had you given yourself a short time-out.
Give up the defense. Hold your position loosely - just in case you may possibly be wrong. When you change how you react, you change the way another’s actions affect you. Right or wrong, angry responses do not solve problems.
Regard self and others. Anger is destructive and is powerless to effect positive change in a relationship. Healthy regard for you holds you accountable to behaving like a mature adult. Healthy regard for others prevents aggressive behavior toward them.
Become aware. The first become aware is to determine the nearness of short-circuiting. This become aware is to congratulate yourself that you handled it well. The mind tends to think “what has happened will happen.” As you put these suggestions into practice, you will change your response. Reflect on your improved behavior and feel good about it. And be confident that the next time you will handle it even better.
Although anger prodding events may occur, allow your new anger busting skills to treat it as being an irritation. This change of view will equip you to handle it with grace and not outbursts of anger.
Become aware. Pay attention to your body and emotions to pre-determine when frustration is building so you can “nip it in the bud” before it becomes a full-blown outrage that is damaging to you and your family or co-workers. Keep an angry calendar; mark down every time you become frustrated. Make a list of hot topics that push your button so you can pre-determine to not engage. This will let you see how frequently you turn to negative responses.
Voice it. Give a verbal warning that you are nearing the end of your patience. This puts you in a more aware position and gives strength to not over-react. It also alerts your children or constituents to alter their behavior or to duck-and-cover.
Take a time out. Being emotions driven cause fuzzy thinking. Give yourself a five minute break so feelings can calm down and rational thinking can reconnect. Think of a past event when a positive outcome would probably have been affected had you given yourself a short time-out.
Give up the defense. Hold your position loosely - just in case you may possibly be wrong. When you change how you react, you change the way another’s actions affect you. Right or wrong, angry responses do not solve problems.
Regard self and others. Anger is destructive and is powerless to effect positive change in a relationship. Healthy regard for you holds you accountable to behaving like a mature adult. Healthy regard for others prevents aggressive behavior toward them.
Become aware. The first become aware is to determine the nearness of short-circuiting. This become aware is to congratulate yourself that you handled it well. The mind tends to think “what has happened will happen.” As you put these suggestions into practice, you will change your response. Reflect on your improved behavior and feel good about it. And be confident that the next time you will handle it even better.
Although anger prodding events may occur, allow your new anger busting skills to treat it as being an irritation. This change of view will equip you to handle it with grace and not outbursts of anger.
7/7/09
Staying Up In a Down Economy
Major unemployment, economic woes, falling stock rates, mounting foreclosures, rising gas prices – it is a current reality that brings with it the potential for despair. Without discounting the severity of the situation, how you make it through depends on your outlook. Here are suggestions to keep an upbeat attitude regardless.
Think About What You Think About. Pay attention to your thoughts and interrupt them when they turn negative, worrisome or anxious. Say “STOP” out loud, then deliberately change your mind. Turn to prayer, joys, successes, past accomplishments, future plans - anything that will keep your spirits up.
Search for the Silver Lining. Without rain the flowers would not grow. Without mountains, the valleys would be ordinary. Without the night the sun would be too much. With unlimited funds, gratitude would be jeopardized. Without financial restraints, debt becomes unbearable.
Use Your Creativity. Yes, you are creative. To thrive in a recession, adopt the mind set of “how much can I make do with what I already have.” What tasty meals can you make from the hodge-podge of staples in the pantry? How can you repurpose items in the tool shed or attic, either to use or to sell? Adopt the shaker philosophy of “Use it up. Wear it out. Make it do. Do without.”
Lighten Your Load. Few things expand your buoyancy like extra space. Look through closets, cabinets and drawers and get rid of at least ten items in each room. Donate the discards to charity to brighten another’s day. This exercise has psychological benefits in that it breaks emotional attachments to things that no longer serve you.
Be Thankful. With a heart of gratitude focus on what you do have rather than what you do not have. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have a safe place in which to sleep? Multitudes of people world-wide do not. Do you have at least one person who cares bout you? Are you able to take care of most of your bodily needs?
Pay It Forward. The law of reciprocity really works: what you give into the lives of others is returned to you. Volunteer at a charity of your choice. Help out weekly at a soup kitchen. Commit random acts of kindness with no regard of praise. Be gentle with the infirmed and compassionate to a child.
Rest and Refresh. Make it a point to be in bed by 10 PM. It is amazing how differently the world looks after a good night’s sleep. While your body is in relax-mode, your unconscious mind is busily searching for solutions. Insurmountable problems are lessened by rest.
Perhaps the best way to stay up in a down economy is in to summons the courage of “I will try again tomorrow.” Be thankful for today and do not worry about tomorrow; stand in amazement at how things work out – in the long run - for the better.
Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. -30-
Think About What You Think About. Pay attention to your thoughts and interrupt them when they turn negative, worrisome or anxious. Say “STOP” out loud, then deliberately change your mind. Turn to prayer, joys, successes, past accomplishments, future plans - anything that will keep your spirits up.
Search for the Silver Lining. Without rain the flowers would not grow. Without mountains, the valleys would be ordinary. Without the night the sun would be too much. With unlimited funds, gratitude would be jeopardized. Without financial restraints, debt becomes unbearable.
Use Your Creativity. Yes, you are creative. To thrive in a recession, adopt the mind set of “how much can I make do with what I already have.” What tasty meals can you make from the hodge-podge of staples in the pantry? How can you repurpose items in the tool shed or attic, either to use or to sell? Adopt the shaker philosophy of “Use it up. Wear it out. Make it do. Do without.”
Lighten Your Load. Few things expand your buoyancy like extra space. Look through closets, cabinets and drawers and get rid of at least ten items in each room. Donate the discards to charity to brighten another’s day. This exercise has psychological benefits in that it breaks emotional attachments to things that no longer serve you.
Be Thankful. With a heart of gratitude focus on what you do have rather than what you do not have. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have a safe place in which to sleep? Multitudes of people world-wide do not. Do you have at least one person who cares bout you? Are you able to take care of most of your bodily needs?
Pay It Forward. The law of reciprocity really works: what you give into the lives of others is returned to you. Volunteer at a charity of your choice. Help out weekly at a soup kitchen. Commit random acts of kindness with no regard of praise. Be gentle with the infirmed and compassionate to a child.
Rest and Refresh. Make it a point to be in bed by 10 PM. It is amazing how differently the world looks after a good night’s sleep. While your body is in relax-mode, your unconscious mind is busily searching for solutions. Insurmountable problems are lessened by rest.
Perhaps the best way to stay up in a down economy is in to summons the courage of “I will try again tomorrow.” Be thankful for today and do not worry about tomorrow; stand in amazement at how things work out – in the long run - for the better.
Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. -30-
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