"We Are So-o-o-o-o Lost"

"You have not, because you ask not. And even when you do ask, it is for your
own selfish purposes, not to receive what is really needed." James 4:3

As I was going home one afternoon, a luxury late model car and I were the only two vehicles on a particular avenue. The car was creeping along, so I moved into the other lane and passed. After a short distance, the creeping car sped by, then slowed down again.

At the signal, the two occupants got my attention and I rolled down the window. The woman said, “We are so-o-o-o-o-o lost.” They were looking for I-35, which was a simple two lefts and two lights back down the road.

I said to them, “You may think you are lost, but you are not far off track.”

Life is a lot like that. We may think we are lost, but are really not too far off track. And we can find our way back the same way this couple found their main route. They became aware of being on the wrong road. They searched for a familiar landmark to reorient themselves. Finding none, they asked for help. Perhaps most importantly, they received the help offered.

They listened and evaluated that someone who had been down that road before, knew the ropes better than they.

They asked a stranger. Who do you need to ask for help? Who do you need to listen to? What do you need to become aware of? Sometimes information is more readily received from a stranger than from family.

Maybe that is because family has an annoying way of telling us we are lost when we know better. We know where we are going and what we are doing. Still, it may be good information, if we will only receive it, consider it, and maybe – just maybe – act upon it.

This article was originally written for Marketplace Ministries, November 22, 2003

The Right Way to Be Right

Can you do everything right and it still turn out wrong? I seriously doubt it. Here are some thoughts on the issue.

Check your perspective. You did everything right from whose perspective? Your perspective may be too shortsighted. The power behind self-evaluation is a healthy dose of self-doubt. Am I being critical? Do I have an attitude? Am I unwilling to see another point of view? How much grace am I giving? Does it need to be my way or my way?

Being right can be handled wrongly. Does your righteousness (right-ness) cross the line into a condescending self-righteous attitude? Your dogma may be rooted in fear that drinking, drugging and driving will result in death. Yet if the worse case scenario were a near-fatal crash, you want him to summons you to be there. Would the manner in which you have presented your displeasure alienate so that, although you are definitely on his mind, he refuses to call for you?

Check your amplified example. Does the old adage “What you do speaks so loud I cannot hear what you say,” apply? Do not expect another to be something you are not willing to be. Do you expect him to be neat when you leave your areas helter-skelter? Do you expect her to be honest when you tell untruths? Do you expect patience while you blow your cool? Do you expect him to perform quickly and cheerfully when your work ethic is slow and complaining? We can be quick to excuse our faults while accusing another. Excusing yourself sounds like, “I can’t help it, that is just the way I am, bless God!” Only, it doesn’t bless God. And it doesn’t bless you. And it doesn’t bless your family or co-workers. Accusing sounds like, “Why don’t you…”

Monitor voice tone and facial expression. In correction, watch your attitude. Focus on behavior not personality; it is the attitude or activity that needs correcting not his personhood. It is show and tell, not delegate and dump. Ask for change without demanding change. Change is effected by encouraging; everyone needs to hear an occasional “you are special”.

Check tyranny vs. accountability. State your position and hold them responsible. When the focus is on the person changing, judgment is relegated to them rather than to ourselves. When instructions are not being carried out, what is needed? More training? Improved relationship? When needed, impose compliance through removal of privileges. Do it as a means of correction, not punishment. Be strict on the behavior and gentle with the person.

Right is all you get to be. Even when you are right, right is all you get to be. You do not get to be superior. Wrong is all the offender gets to be. He does not get to be inferior.You cannot change the other person. Do not wallow in the frustration; feel the pain and move on.

Keep things in perspective. If your mate is the difficult person, remember that you chose him/her. I do not believe that love is blind. It is not that you do not see the negatives it is that love covers and initially they do not matter. That or we wrongly think we can fix them after the catch is made. Could the problem be that instead of fixing me I want to fix him and he will not co-operate. If the difficult person is your child, maybe your mom’s wish that you would have a kid just like you came true. Know that you are loveable and have many fine qualities despite character flaws. Look for good qualities in your mate, child, co-workers, and in-laws. Accent the positives while helping to develop the negatives into workable qualities.

Relationship is more important than being right. Quit talking to the offender and start talking with God. In life controlling issues, see it as a call to prayer and to develop compassion in you. In irritants, instead of seeing it as something to drive you crazy, see it as a humorous quirk to their personality.

Boost Your Brain Power

Regardless of age, a frequent complaint is the inability to remember names, events or where things are located. Use the following suggestions to improve your thinking skills.

Step it up. The body and mind is interconnected. To increase brainpower, increase the oxygen level through improved use of your body. Engage your body in different activities as a springboard to get your mind unto a new frame of reference for thinking. Walk a little faster. Stretch. Exercise. Get the blood flowing to stimulate thinking.

Water, water, everywhere. We are a nation that is drink obsessed and hydration depleted. At a recent holistic conference, Bill Yeary stated that 75% of Americans have chronic dehydration and this fact alone is a major contributor to pain and disease. The first thing he does in giving body assessments is to test for proper hydration by simply putting pressure on the hand to see how quickly color returns. The majority of participants were dehydrated despite the tables being strewn with coffee cups and soda cans. To improve overall health – mentally and physically - daily drink 8 ounces of undiluted water for every 20 pounds of body weight.

Learn new things. Exposure to fresh experiences and information forces the brain to make new connections. Read challenging material outside your familiar genre. Take up knitting, carpentry or paint a picture.

Do mental gymnastics. To develop mental acuity, take a familiar sequence and mix it up, add to or take away. Recite the alphabet backwards. List the birth order of family members from oldest to youngest. This exercise allows you to relate to each item individually while also seeing them as a whole. Play word games and work puzzles. A good online source is www.sharpbrains.com.

Love and laugh. Love, giving and receiving, is healing. Laughter is a tonic for whatever ails. Love deeply and laugh often. Make relationship more important than mental sharpness by bestowing and accepting compassion for memory slips.

Meditate. To meditate is to think deeply by mulling over in search of profound insights. In the hustle of life we lose touch with the wonderful being we are. Our emotions and senses become overloaded thus thwarting free-flowing thoughts. The letting go through contemplation releases you from the fear of health issues, estrangement, aging and death. Reflection frees you to live one-day-at-a time and to find humor in the absurd.

Even the youngest and the healthiest have occasional lapse of memory. Be patient with yourself and do not berate those “senior moments” as a personality flaw. Accept them as an occasional reality, reconnect and get back in the game of life.